Flock-umentary of Disaster: Watching "Birdemic"

3/8/24
Botch Job Society
Episode  2 - Flock-umentary of Disaster: Watching "Birdemic"
 
WATCH THE VIDEO VERSION ON OUR WEBSITE.

Prepare to be regaled with tales of cinematic chaos as we dissect the absurdity that is "Birdemic: Shock and Terror," the movie that flaps its wings triumphantly at the face of logic. Swoop in on our laughter-laden commentary, where we scrutinize everything from director James Nguyen's baffling creative decisions to the film’s laughable special effects – all while pondering the enigma of its budget.
It's a masterclass in failure, from the prolonged driving scenes that test the limits of our attention spans to the green screen antics that'll have you questioning whether you're watching a movie or an avant-garde art piece.
Trust us, it's going to be a bumpy flight.

[0:00]  Opening and Intro
[0:51] "Birdemic" Intro
[1:41] Commentary Begins
[15:55] Bird Attacks Begin
[24:28] Closing

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:01

Today we are delving into the very interesting territory of bad movies. But I can tell you, you're in first week.

Speaker 2 0:10

You're about to be bad. You're about to be bad. This is about to be bad. This one here, let me tell you like he's a filly.

"Birdemic" Intro

Speaker 1 0:34

Can you see how maybe it would have been a failure? This is another one that's sort of known as being the worst movie ever made. It's called Bird Demek, Shock and Terror. It was released in 2010. So about 14 years old. Yeah, it's old, but when you watch it it looks older than 2010. Directed by this guy named James Wynn, the budget, I believe, was about $10,000, which I'm surprised when you watch, it be surprised there was even a budget.

Speaker 1 1:25

I've only seen clips because I didn't want to watch something that I've already seen, so I've only seen clips. I haven't seen the whole thing all the way through.

Speaker 2 1:35

Bird Demek Shock and Terror.

Speaker 1 1:41

We have a nice, beautiful ocean vista.

Speaker 2 1:46

It's like the old Jaws movie or something. Yeah, this is not made in 2010. And that's what I told you. I told you it's pretty dated. Dated yeah.

Speaker 1 1:55

Okay, what are these sweeping shots of nothing, yeah.

Speaker 2 1:59

It's driving Midwest hillsides. Yeah, thank you.

Speaker 1 2:04

This is totally somebody just sitting in the passenger seat. Bird Demek Shock and Terror Shock and. Terror. Definitely somebody just sitting in the passenger seat holding the camera 100%. Okay, Usually when it's a director, writer, editor combo, you know it's going to be. Need some other people in that think tank, exactly, and other people will be like this is how we should do this.

Speaker 2 2:30

St Charles. No Well, they went to the most like middle of nowhere town. Yeah.

Speaker 1 2:37

I'm really glad that we showed him driving to wherever he's going right instead of just being there.

Speaker 2 2:43

Where we had like the five-minute mark, just driving literally we're gonna show him walking the whole. This slow choppy pan. You at least cut it to like, as he's already doing it.

Speaker 1 2:57

It's like they went and go that's literally yeah, and it's not too fast and very fast. Go a little slower.

Speaker 2 3:04

I know. No, stop, let me get behind you, go again. See this is Russian woman doing in the middle of Idaho.

Speaker 1 3:19

This audio editing is atrocious.

Speaker 2 3:21

She's giving early 2000s camera Diaz.

Speaker 1 3:23

I dig it yeah walking out like a model. Oh, we have a visitor, so blue, he's just gonna insert himself in the situation. All right, what's going on? I gotta get her number. She was so hot.

Speaker 3 3:37

What, what he's a creep. Yeah, he's a stalker, yeah 100%.

Speaker 1 3:44

Oh, that's why she was walking that way. She's a fashion model. Yeah so it wasn't. It was a character choice, right.

Speaker 2 3:52

If she had any other roles, she would have been normal.

Speaker 1 3:54

Yeah, she had an in-body the slayer, this, this Reeks of somebody going well, she's a model, so she has to look like a model, you know.

Speaker 2 4:02

But then there's that walk right and not to say that I'm an acting expert, right, but unless you want to hire me. But when your lines are this simple, like just a conversation, high school girl, you remember why does it feel so like? Oh, I remember now we were in math together. I said two C's behind you.

Speaker 1 4:21

Oh, wow, you remember that far. Yeah, I do.

Speaker 3 4:25

This morning, flux of seagulls and crows were found dead in downtown San Jose and along highway 101.

Speaker 1 4:34

What is this new shot?

Speaker 2 4:38

Super far out, but it's still crap to be the perfect like the difficulty of finding there we go such as seals.

Speaker 1 4:44

You can see the green.

Speaker 2 4:46

Glow on her shoulder from the green screen.

Speaker 1 4:49

All right are we gonna have him driving?

Speaker 2 4:51

Here we go, more driving. Now I'm getting in the car, but now I'm getting in the car from the left side. Okay, interior shot now. Oh. Now we're on the right side.

Speaker 1 5:03

So there's a rule in film school called the 180. Yeah, yeah rule where you, the camera, just not supposed to cross this line. Yeah, it's gonna stay here. I know your times was so far.

Speaker 2 5:14

If they spent half as much time and thought, yeah, I say they, james is the only one to blame. If James meant half as much time and thought into Maybe dialogue or anything else about the first ten minutes of this movie, rather than a Copious amounts of shots of driving. Maybe we'd have a better film here. Choppy pans yeah, there you go. Oh Nope, you don't want to lose him.

Speaker 1 5:39

Watch it, watch it, watch it, watch it watch out brother. See he's walking like like he knows he's being filmed. Yeah and that's what frustrates me just walk bro.

Speaker 3 5:49

What does it take to win your business today?

Speaker 1 5:52

Mm-hmm okay, so salesman.

Speaker 3 5:54

Okay, I'll give you that and 50% discount.

Speaker 1 5:57

Oh, he's a bad salesman.

Speaker 2 5:59

All right, 50%, you got me you twisted my arm.

Speaker 3 6:01

We appreciate your business.

Speaker 2 6:07

Way to go. Celebrating on his own what's with all the noise?

Speaker 1 6:14

The most like like lackluster woohoo and someone. What's all that noise? Hey, hey, I'm glad down in here if that's the venue. Yeah, that you're modeling Maybe you're not a model Cultural appropriation, you know more cultural or provision.

Speaker 2 6:35

Yeah, yeah, she could have taken Scarlett Johansson spot meta.

Speaker 1 6:41

Ghost of the show yeah yeah, or Emma Stone in Aloha God.

Speaker 2 6:49

Nothing says Pacific Island or Asian like white woman, yeah okay, I'll talk to you soon, okay, okay. Okay, man, I said bye 30 seconds ago.

Speaker 1 7:05

Get off the phone.

Speaker 2 7:06

Joe made one sale, mm-hmm, now Joe's getting back in that car. Oh, I'm tired, a long, hard day at work. I should call Natalie, tell her about my sale.

Speaker 1 7:18

I know good Vietnamese restaurant.

Speaker 2 7:21

Sounds delicious, it's gonna take you to a Vietnamese restaurant. She, she knew. That's why she was taking all those Asian cultured pictures.

Speaker 1 7:26

She was like there you go.

Speaker 2 7:27

She's really into. She's a vehicle.

Speaker 1 7:30

She's like um what do they call him the wee boo?

Speaker 3 7:32

Yeah.

Speaker 1 7:33

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 7:34

Whoo, he's killing me. I know, man, what's with this weather a heat wave in winter. You're not even sweating.

Speaker 1 7:42

He waited winter. Apparently you've never been to Missouri, oh hello 70 something degrees and 50.

Speaker 3 7:50

Yeah, a day without sex is a day wasted a day without sex. I just want them to stop moving.

Speaker 2 7:57

I know the cameras is constantly moving, I think that there's a dramatic pain. Yeah, he said that's how you make a good movie. Just.

Speaker 1 8:06

Constantly moving, still still down in the corner. Side note this is adorable. Hmm, this is adorable. I'm just gonna get up here.

Speaker 2 8:18

Cuddle up. I'm gonna get up here, I'm gonna get up here. I'm just gonna get up here and cuddle up.

Speaker 1 8:26

He's not even watching.

Speaker 2 8:29

Well, we got a movie to watch.

Speaker 1 8:36

Hi, my name is Jerry Owens. I'm from Solar Power Accessories. We have an appointment to fit Everything. Da, da, da, da da.

Speaker 2 8:42

Da, da, da, da da. Da, da, da da da, I can recite six lines at a time.

Speaker 1 8:48

Here's the estimate I was telling you about.

Speaker 2 8:54

Even that looks fake, I'm not gonna lie to you. Tnkpoo looks totally fake, man, she just gets hit by a car.

Speaker 3 9:04

Hey bro.

Speaker 2 9:07

I've never seen pictures in like an Asian restaurant that's like people working on agriculture. They're usually like really nice, like scenic backdrops or something.

Speaker 1 9:17

Also, this is a fake restaurant. There's no kid doing homework at one of the tables. You know what I mean.

Speaker 2 9:29

There's always a kid doing homework. Either that, or like helping out, like grabbing stuff off the table yeah, prepping food or, yeah, grabbing places.

Speaker 1 9:36

Rolling silverware yeah.

Speaker 2 9:38

I like it. Put your kids to work. You little mooch, oh God.

Speaker 1 9:56

What's also funny is that the asset for the bird has a drop shadow built into it.

Speaker 3 10:01

It's over the screen Loading on top of everything.

Speaker 1 10:05

Oh my gosh, it's terrible, are you done?

Speaker 2 10:18

Be for real, Alright. So we're just gonna put out some blurry lights and some jazz music. They went out to the club. How did she get there? Are we just to assume?

Speaker 1 10:28

that you dropped her. The car's just somewhere, you know.

Speaker 2 10:31

Maybe she walks, maybe she's practicing her strut.

Speaker 1 10:35

Fucking Right, left, right left.

Speaker 2 10:39

The whole way to the restaurant.

Speaker 1 10:40

That's right, every bone in her body like scraping along. Have we graduated from seeing how people get places? She just walks.

Speaker 2 10:51

She doesn't own a car. It wasn't in the budget.

Speaker 1 10:57

God, I'm thirsty. Got some water please. What's that smile all about? Okay, why did that look like green?

Speaker 2 11:07

screen. Yeah, that looks super fake. They were already in the kitchen.

Speaker 1 11:10

I see it all over your face.

Speaker 2 11:13

It's the only in focus shot that looks slightly modern.

Speaker 1 11:16

I know, I can't tell, though. It almost looks like it's green screen, but it may not be. It may just be bad camera quality.

Speaker 2 11:23

She's got a shadow on the back wall of the kitchen, so it's yeah. Oh, that's my girl.

Speaker 1 11:32

What was that? Oh my gosh.

Speaker 3 11:42

Ladies and gentlemen, I have some great news.

Speaker 1 11:45

We're gone bankrupt. You're all late off. I'm gonna do some cutbacks. Oh my gosh, they're really gonna clap for like 30 minutes. Oh, a day without sex is a day wasted. He's getting it in early. Let's get it in at the company staff meeting.

Speaker 2 12:09

Oh, more driving hey that's the same shot.

Speaker 3 12:12

Yeah, that's definitely.

Speaker 2 12:12

You can't fool me, you can't fool me. I did this before. Definitely the same thing. Okay, wait, they said it was winter.

Speaker 1 12:24

Yeah, now it's magically fall.

Speaker 2 12:25

Pumpkins aren't in season in the winter? Yeah, but they're probably a better movie than Madam Web. Go ahead, sorry, what did you say? How many more montage shots do you think we'll get before we actually get to some dialogue?

Speaker 1 12:49

I don't know, but I know this dialogue's gonna be terrible. She goes, huh yeah it is what I mean look at us, I can hear you Really. I figure if I don't make a big bad attempt.

Speaker 2 13:09

I figure I'll just stay here. You should have a plan B now.

Speaker 3 13:13

I don't understand.

Speaker 1 13:14

I mean, you sound like my mother.

Speaker 3 13:17

Well, I am your mother.

Speaker 1 13:20

You're supposed to have a mask.

Speaker 2 13:23

And I would have gotten away with it too. Can you stop touching your head please?

Speaker 1 13:28

Yeah, she's all about that hair, she's a fashion model Every sh.

Speaker 3 13:41

Be for real.

Speaker 2 13:54

Oh no, look at this fake dead bird, cgi bird. We're gonna take an early retirement Again. Let's just move the camera for no reason.

Speaker 1 14:05

It's, you know, a dialogue scene. This needs a little more action, so let's move the camera. If it was a Michael Bay movie, we'd get an explosion any minute.

Speaker 2 14:15

You said that might happen. Congratulations, thanks.

Speaker 1 14:20

It's been a long time you know every Irish pub, Every Irish pub's got a soulful black dude singing A pub. Hey, it's just me and.

Speaker 2 14:33

Natalie, not at all, dancing to the song. Hanging out, hanging out with the family, having ourselves a pub Ooh, we're gonna get a steamy. Oh yeah, you're so much better than other guys, you're not into sex.

Speaker 1 14:53

So I think we should just get a little more action. We should just get a little more action.

Speaker 2 14:58

Yeah, you're so much better than other guys you're not into sex.

Speaker 1 15:01

Can you move? I'm trying to watch my show. Hey, she's cleaning that bird cage.

Speaker 2 15:04

Watch out, wow. Bare feet on the motel carpet. Love to see it Show Shakespeare. How long has this make out? Seen in the last?

Speaker 1 15:15

Oh, probably like a full five minutes. I have no idea.

Speaker 3 15:18

Third angle.

Speaker 1 15:19

Mm-hmm, what is this kissing?

Speaker 3 15:24

Okay, are they gonna pan away? I?

Speaker 2 15:28

don't know, though Ew Okay you have to Look at her feet.

Speaker 3 15:35

Oh, my God, ew, ew.

Bird Attacks Begin

Speaker 2 15:41

It was a red flag. Those feet were as black as his couch Ew, and they're rubbing their toes together. Brother, go wash your feet right now. Yeah, oh.

Speaker 3 15:57

Oh, there's a bird image.

Speaker 2 15:58

Let's just you know exploding and birds are flying with with no buildup, let's just.

Speaker 1 16:04

It's like two different movies.

Speaker 2 16:10

Is that the sound of crows falling? Is it the?

Speaker 1 16:13

bird exploding or I, it's just sort of it makes no sense.

Speaker 2 16:18

This is hanging out on top of the car.

Speaker 1 16:27

She's like watch all the commotion right, there's birds. Well, did he have pants on before he did? He never took his pants off. That's not about sex, he just likes her.

Speaker 2 16:40

He's a good man. This motel bed doesn't have sheets on it. Nope, james, it wasn't worth it. These people have it well. They had run out of their $10,000 budget by this point.

Speaker 1 16:52

Try to find the sketchy's motel. What did that do?

Speaker 2 17:02

what did that do? Now, if they break the window, though, hit the bed, don't did nothing, absolutely nothing.

Speaker 1 17:09

Why would birds do something like that?

Speaker 3 17:12

I mean, why would they just attack?

Speaker 2 17:14

Why would birds want to hurt us?

Speaker 1 17:16

We're asking the same question here, natalie. We have absolutely no idea why that just happened. I don't know. What are they? Here they come, oh my gosh the door.

Speaker 2 17:48

Get in there. Get in there, right, get in there. So bad. Okay, here's the thing you couldn't just left in your Mustang, I guess. So the birds scratch me. Natalie, hit me the gun.

Speaker 1 18:07

Make sense.

Speaker 2 18:09

Hey, there's dead people on the side of the road. Let's go see if there's any survivors. Rick.

Speaker 1 18:17

There are dead people on the side of the road. Sorry, what.

Speaker 3 18:27

Come on, honey. Come over here, look for the car. Come on. No, they won't come on upper tension, I promise I'm scared.

Speaker 1 18:58

What, what, what, what, what. How did you know he was even there?

Speaker 2 19:11

Everybody else is driving just casually.

Speaker 3 19:13

Yeah, they're fine.

Speaker 2 19:15

You know, people drove past like yeah what.

Speaker 1 19:21

We're gonna make this feel all better, thank you.

Speaker 3 19:24

Thank you.

Speaker 1 19:26

Ungrateful little I.

Speaker 2 19:28

I should have let you die, thanks, yeah, birds are chasing us, but let's uh, let's pull over have a little beachside picnic, and I stayed at the beach.

Speaker 1 19:39

I'm drinking our waters, eating our sandwiches.

Speaker 2 19:42

It's birdemic. Be careful out here.

Speaker 1 19:46

You triggered by the masks.

Speaker 2 19:50

Just zoom in on me, make the screen red. Sir, don't you know that these birds are?

Speaker 3 19:57

attacking people. These birds, yes, no way. They're dead from the bird flu virus.

Speaker 2 20:12

They're dead from the bird flu virus.

Speaker 3 20:17

You know a lot about birds.

Speaker 1 20:19

What do you should mention that I am a bird.

Speaker 2 20:22

I created the virus. It was me.

Speaker 3 20:26

Only you can prevent birds through virus.

Speaker 1 20:30

Thanks, doctor a stilt more birds.

Speaker 2 20:32

Oh, when'd you get that scratch rod? He's gonna turn into a bird.

Speaker 3 20:37

I.

Speaker 2 20:47

Got tired of killing I rex. Now I killed birds with an AR.

Speaker 1 20:50

Why would you say that about your significant up?

Speaker 2 20:58

I'll cover you. Oh, oh, no, no she keeps shooting.

Speaker 1 21:10

Becky, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm Jamie, that's just a bad shot oh. Oh what do you mean? What do you mean? She's dead?

Speaker 2 21:28

I know he was in the ROTC. He was that kid in middle school.

Speaker 1 21:36

He did like a four-minute mile no.

Speaker 2 21:42

The eagles killed Becky.

Speaker 3 21:44

She wouldn't be dead if you didn't have to take it.

Speaker 1 21:50

They got to her before I got a chance.

Speaker 2 21:53

My pants were around my ankles.

Speaker 1 21:55

Ramsey got to her before I got a chance to what.

Speaker 2 22:01

You were dropping a hot one, she was getting killed.

Speaker 3 22:14

They killed Becky. Go Becky.

Speaker 2 22:18

What it was, natalie. We Gotta stop these birds. Where can somebody find this movie?

Speaker 1 22:27

It is not. It is not on any streaming services, but you can buy it on iTunes for how much? $14. So if you want to help reimburse us for the price of this film, we've seen what happens when people cover each other doesn't go well, thank you, becky. You. What was that? What was it? And it stings. Oh, nice, nice. I got tears on my face.

Speaker 2 23:26

This is so stupid, I'm dead.

Speaker 3 23:35

Hi, the eagles killed our friends. Do you have a phone I can use to call the police? No, I'm sorry. You know all phones from the Eagle attack, all phones are dead up here.

Speaker 1 23:46

And the dirt said you want to do another take of that? And he's like no, no.

Speaker 2 23:50

He's good out of my store. It's literally hey, let's, let's find another stranger, we can get killed. Howdy, howdy, you're selling me some gas for my truck.

Speaker 1 24:06

We only have a few gallons and we need them.

Speaker 2 24:08

We just bought some for $100 a gallon down the street. $100 a gallon, I only got $50 in my wallet. He's gonna pull it, I know it.

Speaker 3 24:16

I know it, take it easy, take it easy.

Closing

Speaker 2 24:22

Oh, it slices through. I'm just gonna go crawl in his ditch. They got me, you know the best place to hide during a bird demic the wooded areas. Wooded areas where there's lots of birds. Yeah, who is this Shoot?

Speaker 1 24:41

that guy. Yeah, yeah, shoot him.

Speaker 2 24:43

Shoot him, rod, don't shoot, I just got a ponytail. Get down here. Get down here. Get down here. Damn global warming. It's the cause of dry climate and bark beetles and death of the trees and forest. Back on the global warming thing.

Speaker 1 25:03

Yeah, I think that's the overarching message here. This is a film.

Speaker 2 25:17

This is a film. I just want to know who he finessed into giving him $10,000.

Speaker 1 25:21

Yeah, I'm a little curious about where that money I should get from, if I could have finessed somebody with $10,000.

Speaker 3 25:27

Man.

Speaker 2 25:31

The fake fire is getting on. Give us some feedback. If you just picked up two orphan children in the middle of a-.

Speaker 1 25:43

Oh yeah, f**k them kids. Is this movie going to end like? Seriously, I'm like what is? There's no plot to this movie.

Speaker 2 25:59

Now the fish are going to start tripping. The fish are going to jump out. The fish are acting weird what's going on. Global warming is the reason that the fish and the birds and the forest fires are acting crazy.

Speaker 1 26:17

Are we ever going to have a scene where they just are fine? You know what I mean? The birds are always going to be chasing after them.

Speaker 2 26:26

Plot to assist the same six birds.

Speaker 1 26:29

They've been following them. Oh, and they're just going to leave. Look, they're leaving. Look, they're leaving.

Speaker 2 26:50

How long are you going to stare at the birds flying away, bro Like? It's over, figure out how to get home.

Speaker 1 26:55

I've never looked at birds enough this whole time.

Speaker 2 26:58

I'm not trying to slip my throat this time. This is nice.

Speaker 1 27:01

I would be like I don't want to see a bird ever again in my life.

Speaker 2 27:04

The birds would cause me PTSD at this point.

Speaker 1 27:08

We really are going to linger on this shot, aren't we? So are we going to get.

Speaker 3 27:12

McDonald's or Where's my Happy Meal? I want Chicky Nuggets.

Speaker 1 27:20

Stop, oh my gosh, stop Now. I'm just mad at this point.

Speaker 2 27:32

Oh there we go Credit's roll, geez, you know.

Speaker 1 27:37

I think I'm in the wrong profession.

Speaker 2 27:42

Should have been screwing people out of investment money and making bad movies. Yeah.

Speaker 1 27:48

Again, I don't know why an editor was credited because no, it's bad.

Speaker 2 27:54

14 bucks, it can be yours though.

Speaker 1 27:56

For $14. You two can enjoy or not enjoy. You know there are a lot of bad movies that I know about but haven't seen that. I cannot wait to watch with you because there's one director in particular that I've seen. I've seen a different film of his that I know.

Speaker 2 28:14

A nice hamelon. Oh, sorry, is that?