Flock-umentary of Disaster: Watching "Birdemic"

3/8/24
Botch Job Society
Episode  2 - Flock-umentary of Disaster: Watching "Birdemic"
 
WATCH THE VIDEO VERSION ON OUR WEBSITE.

Prepare to be regaled with tales of cinematic chaos as we dissect the absurdity that is "Birdemic: Shock and Terror," the movie that flaps its wings triumphantly at the face of logic. Swoop in on our laughter-laden commentary, where we scrutinize everything from director James Nguyen's baffling creative decisions to the film’s laughable special effects – all while pondering the enigma of its budget.
It's a masterclass in failure, from the prolonged driving scenes that test the limits of our attention spans to the green screen antics that'll have you questioning whether you're watching a movie or an avant-garde art piece.
Trust us, it's going to be a bumpy flight.

[0:00]  Opening and Intro
[0:51] "Birdemic" Intro
[1:41] Commentary Begins
[15:55] Bird Attacks Begin
[24:28] Closing

Transcript

Open & Theme

Speaker 1 0:01

Today we are delving into the very interesting territory of bad movies . But I can tell you , you're in first week .

Speaker 2 0:10

You're about to be bad . You're about to be bad . This is about to be bad . This one here , let me tell you like he's a filly .

Speaker 1 0:34

Can you see how maybe it would have been a failure ? This is another

"Birdemic" Intro

Speaker 1 0:51

one that's sort of known as being the worst movie ever made . It's called Bird Demek , Shock and Terror . It was released in 2010 . So about 14 years old . Yeah , it's old , but when you watch it it looks older than 2010 . Directed by this guy named James Wynn , the budget , I believe , was about $10,000 , which I'm surprised when you watch , it be surprised there was even a budget .

Speaker 1 1:25

I've only seen clips because I didn't want to watch something that I've already seen , so I've only seen clips . I haven't seen the whole thing all the way through .

Speaker 2 1:35

Bird Demek Shock and Terror .

Commentary Begins

Speaker 1 1:41

We have a nice , beautiful ocean vista .

Speaker 2 1:46

It's like the old Jaws movie or something . Yeah , this is not made in 2010 . And that's what I told you . I told you it's pretty dated . Dated yeah .

Speaker 1 1:55

Okay , what are these sweeping shots of nothing , yeah .

Speaker 2 1:59

It's driving Midwest hillsides . Yeah , thank you .

Speaker 1 2:04

This is totally somebody just sitting in the passenger seat . Bird Demek Shock and Terror Shock and . Terror . Definitely somebody just sitting in the passenger seat holding the camera 100% . Okay , Usually when it's a director , writer , editor combo , you know it's going to be . Need some other people in that think tank , exactly , and other people will be like this is how we should do this .

Speaker 2 2:30

St Charles . No Well , they went to the most like middle of nowhere town . Yeah .

Speaker 1 2:37

I'm really glad that we showed him driving to wherever he's going right instead of just being there .

Speaker 2 2:43

Where we had like the five-minute mark , just driving literally we're gonna show him walking the whole . This slow choppy pan . You at least cut it to like , as he's already doing it .

Speaker 1 2:57

It's like they went and go that's literally yeah , and it's not too fast and very fast . Go a little slower .

Speaker 2 3:04

I know . No , stop , let me get behind you , go again . See this is Russian woman doing in the middle of Idaho .

Speaker 1 3:19

This audio editing is atrocious .

Speaker 2 3:21

She's giving early 2000s camera Diaz .

Speaker 1 3:23

I dig it yeah walking out like a model . Oh , we have a visitor , so blue , he's just gonna insert himself in the situation . All right , what's going on ? I gotta get her number . She was so hot .

Speaker 3 3:37

What , what he's a creep . Yeah , he's a stalker , yeah 100% .

Speaker 1 3:44

Oh , that's why she was walking that way . She's a fashion model . Yeah so it wasn't . It was a character choice , right .

Speaker 2 3:52

If she had any other roles , she would have been normal .

Speaker 1 3:54

Yeah , she had an in-body the slayer , this , this Reeks of somebody going well , she's a model , so she has to look like a model , you know .

Speaker 2 4:02

But then there's that walk right and not to say that I'm an acting expert , right , but unless you want to hire me . But when your lines are this simple , like just a conversation , high school girl , you remember why does it feel so like ? Oh , I remember now we were in math together . I said two C's behind you .

Speaker 1 4:21

Oh , wow , you remember that far . Yeah , I do .

Speaker 3 4:25

This morning , flux of seagulls and crows were found dead in downtown San Jose and along highway 101 .

Speaker 1 4:34

What is this new shot ?

Speaker 2 4:38

Super far out , but it's still crap to be the perfect like the difficulty of finding there we go such as seals .

Speaker 1 4:44

You can see the green .

Speaker 2 4:46

Glow on her shoulder from the green screen .

Speaker 1 4:49

All right are we gonna have him driving ?

Speaker 2 4:51

Here we go , more driving . Now I'm getting in the car , but now I'm getting in the car from the left side . Okay , interior shot now . Oh . Now we're on the right side .

Speaker 1 5:03

So there's a rule in film school called the 180 . Yeah , yeah rule where you , the camera , just not supposed to cross this line . Yeah , it's gonna stay here . I know your times was so far .

Speaker 2 5:14

If they spent half as much time and thought , yeah , I say they , james is the only one to blame . If James meant half as much time and thought into Maybe dialogue or anything else about the first ten minutes of this movie , rather than a Copious amounts of shots of driving . Maybe we'd have a better film here . Choppy pans yeah , there you go . Oh Nope , you don't want to lose him .

Speaker 1 5:39

Watch it , watch it , watch it , watch it watch out brother . See he's walking like like he knows he's being filmed . Yeah and that's what frustrates me just walk bro .

Speaker 3 5:49

What does it take to win your business today ?

Speaker 1 5:52

Mm-hmm okay , so salesman .

Speaker 3 5:54

Okay , I'll give you that and 50% discount .

Speaker 1 5:57

Oh , he's a bad salesman .

Speaker 2 5:59

All right , 50% , you got me you twisted my arm .

Speaker 3 6:01

We appreciate your business .

Speaker 2 6:07

Way to go . Celebrating on his own what's with all the noise ?

Speaker 1 6:14

The most like like lackluster woohoo and someone . What's all that noise ? Hey , hey , I'm glad down in here if that's the venue . Yeah , that you're modeling Maybe you're not a model Cultural appropriation , you know more cultural or provision .

Speaker 2 6:35

Yeah , yeah , she could have taken Scarlett Johansson spot meta .

Speaker 1 6:41

Ghost of the show yeah yeah , or Emma Stone in Aloha God .

Speaker 2 6:49

Nothing says Pacific Island or Asian like white woman , yeah okay , I'll talk to you soon , okay , okay . Okay , man , I said bye 30 seconds ago .

Speaker 1 7:05

Get off the phone .

Speaker 2 7:06

Joe made one sale , mm-hmm , now Joe's getting back in that car . Oh , I'm tired , a long , hard day at work . I should call Natalie , tell her about my sale .

Speaker 1 7:18

I know good Vietnamese restaurant .

Speaker 2 7:21

Sounds delicious , it's gonna take you to a Vietnamese restaurant . She , she knew . That's why she was taking all those Asian cultured pictures .

Speaker 1 7:26

She was like there you go .

Speaker 2 7:27

She's really into . She's a vehicle .

Speaker 1 7:30

She's like um what do they call him the wee boo ?

Speaker 3 7:32

Yeah .

Speaker 1 7:33

Yeah , yeah , yeah .

Speaker 2 7:34

Whoo , he's killing me . I know , man , what's with this weather a heat wave in winter . You're not even sweating .

Speaker 1 7:42

He waited winter . Apparently you've never been to Missouri , oh hello 70 something degrees and 50 .

Speaker 3 7:50

Yeah , a day without sex is a day wasted a day without sex . I just want them to stop moving .

Speaker 2 7:57

I know the cameras is constantly moving , I think that there's a dramatic pain . Yeah , he said that's how you make a good movie . Just .

Speaker 1 8:06

Constantly moving , still still down in the corner . Side note this is adorable . Hmm , this is adorable . I'm just gonna get up here .

Speaker 2 8:18

Cuddle up . I'm gonna get up here , I'm gonna get up here . I'm just gonna get up here and cuddle up .

Speaker 1 8:26

He's not even watching .

Speaker 2 8:29

Well , we got a movie to watch .

Absurd Dialogue in Film Scene

Speaker 1 8:36

Hi , my name is Jerry Owens . I'm from Solar Power Accessories . We have an appointment to fit Everything . Da , da , da , da da .

Speaker 2 8:42

Da , da , da , da da . Da , da , da da da , I can recite six lines at a time .

Speaker 1 8:48

Here's the estimate I was telling you about .

Speaker 2 8:54

Even that looks fake , I'm not gonna lie to you . Tnkpoo looks totally fake , man , she just gets hit by a car .

Speaker 3 9:04

Hey bro .

Speaker 2 9:07

I've never seen pictures in like an Asian restaurant that's like people working on agriculture . They're usually like really nice , like scenic backdrops or something .

Speaker 1 9:17

Also , this is a fake restaurant . There's no kid doing homework at one of the tables . You know what I mean .

Speaker 2 9:29

There's always a kid doing homework . Either that , or like helping out , like grabbing stuff off the table yeah , prepping food or , yeah , grabbing places .

Speaker 1 9:36

Rolling silverware yeah .

Speaker 2 9:38

I like it . Put your kids to work . You little mooch , oh God .

Speaker 1 9:56

What's also funny is that the asset for the bird has a drop shadow built into it .

Speaker 3 10:01

It's over the screen Loading on top of everything .

Speaker 1 10:05

Oh my gosh , it's terrible , are you done ?

Speaker 2 10:18

Be for real , Alright . So we're just gonna put out some blurry lights and some jazz music . They went out to the club . How did she get there ? Are we just to assume ?

Speaker 1 10:28

that you dropped her . The car's just somewhere , you know .

Speaker 2 10:31

Maybe she walks , maybe she's practicing her strut .

Speaker 1 10:35

Fucking Right , left , right left .

Speaker 2 10:39

The whole way to the restaurant .

Speaker 1 10:40

That's right , every bone in her body like scraping along . Have we graduated from seeing how people get places ? She just walks .

Speaker 2 10:51

She doesn't own a car . It wasn't in the budget .

Speaker 1 10:57

God , I'm thirsty . Got some water please . What's that smile all about ? Okay , why did that look like green ?

Speaker 2 11:07

screen . Yeah , that looks super fake . They were already in the kitchen .

Speaker 1 11:10

I see it all over your face .

Speaker 2 11:13

It's the only in focus shot that looks slightly modern .

Speaker 1 11:16

I know , I can't tell , though . It almost looks like it's green screen , but it may not be . It may just be bad camera quality .

Speaker 2 11:23

She's got a shadow on the back wall of the kitchen , so it's yeah . Oh , that's my girl .

Speaker 1 11:32

What was that ? Oh my gosh .

Speaker 3 11:42

Ladies and gentlemen , I have some great news .

Speaker 1 11:45

We're gone bankrupt . You're all late off . I'm gonna do some cutbacks . Oh my gosh , they're really gonna clap for like 30 minutes . Oh , a day without sex is a day wasted . He's getting it in early . Let's get it in at the company staff meeting .

Speaker 2 12:09

Oh , more driving hey that's the same shot .

Speaker 3 12:12

Yeah , that's definitely .

Speaker 2 12:12

You can't fool me , you can't fool me . I did this before . Definitely the same thing . Okay , wait , they said it was winter .

Speaker 1 12:24

Yeah , now it's magically fall .

Speaker 2 12:25

Pumpkins aren't in season in the winter ? Yeah , but they're probably a better movie than Madam Web . Go ahead , sorry , what did you say ? How many more montage shots do you think we'll get before we actually get to some dialogue ?

Speaker 1 12:49

I don't know , but I know this dialogue's gonna be terrible . She goes , huh yeah it is what I mean look at us , I can hear you Really . I figure if I don't make a big bad attempt .

Speaker 2 13:09

I figure I'll just stay here . You should have a plan B now .

Speaker 3 13:13

I don't understand .

Speaker 1 13:14

I mean , you sound like my mother .

Speaker 3 13:17

Well , I am your mother .

Speaker 1 13:20

You're supposed to have a mask .

Speaker 2 13:23

And I would have gotten away with it too . Can you stop touching your head please ?

Speaker 1 13:28

Yeah , she's all about that hair , she's a fashion model Every sh .

Speaker 3 13:41

Be for real .

Speaker 2 13:54

Oh no , look at this fake dead bird , cgi bird . We're gonna take an early retirement Again . Let's just move the camera for no reason .

Speaker 1 14:05

It's , you know , a dialogue scene . This needs a little more action , so let's move the camera . If it was a Michael Bay movie , we'd get an explosion any minute .

Speaker 2 14:15

You said that might happen . Congratulations , thanks .

Speaker 1 14:20

It's been a long time you know every Irish pub , Every Irish pub's got a soulful black dude singing A pub . Hey , it's just me and .

Speaker 2 14:33

Natalie , not at all , dancing to the song . Hanging out , hanging out with the family , having ourselves a pub Ooh , we're gonna get a steamy . Oh yeah , you're so much better than other guys , you're not into sex .

Speaker 1 14:53

So I think we should just get a little more action . We should just get a little more action .

Speaker 2 14:58

Yeah , you're so much better than other guys you're not into sex .

Speaker 1 15:01

Can you move ? I'm trying to watch my show . Hey , she's cleaning that bird cage .

Speaker 2 15:04

Watch out , wow . Bare feet on the motel carpet . Love to see it Show Shakespeare . How long has this make out ? Seen in the last ?

Speaker 1 15:15

Oh , probably like a full five minutes . I have no idea .

Speaker 3 15:18

Third angle .

Speaker 1 15:19

Mm-hmm , what is this kissing ?

Speaker 3 15:24

Okay , are they gonna pan away ? I ?

Speaker 2 15:28

don't know , though Ew Okay you have to Look at her feet .

Speaker 3 15:35

Oh , my God , ew , ew .

Speaker 2 15:41

It was a red flag . Those feet were as black as his couch Ew , and they're rubbing their toes together . Brother , go wash your feet right now . Yeah ,

Bird Attacks Begin

Speaker 2 15:57

oh .

Speaker 3 15:57

Oh , there's a bird image .

Speaker 2 15:58

Let's just you know exploding and birds are flying with with no buildup , let's just .

Speaker 1 16:04

It's like two different movies .

Speaker 2 16:10

Is that the sound of crows falling ? Is it the ?

Speaker 1 16:13

bird exploding or I , it's just sort of it makes no sense .

Speaker 2 16:18

This is hanging out on top of the car .

Speaker 1 16:27

She's like watch all the commotion right , there's birds . Well , did he have pants on before he did ? He never took his pants off . That's not about sex , he just likes her .

Speaker 2 16:40

He's a good man . This motel bed doesn't have sheets on it . Nope , james , it wasn't worth it . These people have it well . They had run out of their $10,000 budget by this point .

Speaker 1 16:52

Try to find the sketchy's motel . What did that do ?

Speaker 2 17:02

what did that do ? Now , if they break the window , though , hit the bed , don't did nothing , absolutely nothing .

Speaker 1 17:09

Why would birds do something like that ?

Speaker 3 17:12

I mean , why would they just attack ?

Speaker 2 17:14

Why would birds want to hurt us ?

Speaker 1 17:16

We're asking the same question here , natalie . We have absolutely no idea why that just happened . I don't know . What are they ? Here they come , oh my gosh the door .

Speaker 2 17:48

Get in there . Get in there , right , get in there . So bad . Okay , here's the thing you couldn't just left in your Mustang , I guess . So the birds scratch me . Natalie , hit me the gun .

Speaker 1 18:07

Make sense .

Speaker 2 18:09

Hey , there's dead people on the side of the road . Let's go see if there's any survivors . Rick .

Speaker 1 18:17

There are dead people on the side of the road . Sorry , what .

Speaker 3 18:27

Come on , honey . Come over here , look for the car . Come on . No , they won't come on upper tension , I promise I'm scared .

Speaker 1 18:58

What , what , what , what , what . How did you know he was even there ?

Speaker 2 19:11

Everybody else is driving just casually .

Speaker 3 19:13

Yeah , they're fine .

Speaker 2 19:15

You know , people drove past like yeah what .

Speaker 1 19:21

We're gonna make this feel all better , thank you .

Speaker 3 19:24

Thank you .

Speaker 1 19:26

Ungrateful little I .

Speaker 2 19:28

I should have let you die , thanks , yeah , birds are chasing us , but let's uh , let's pull over have a little beachside picnic , and I stayed at the beach .

Speaker 1 19:39

I'm drinking our waters , eating our sandwiches .

Speaker 2 19:42

It's birdemic . Be careful out here .

Speaker 1 19:46

You triggered by the masks .

Speaker 2 19:50

Just zoom in on me , make the screen red . Sir , don't you know that these birds are ?

Speaker 3 19:57

attacking people . These birds , yes , no way . They're dead from the bird flu virus .

Speaker 2 20:12

They're dead from the bird flu virus .

Speaker 3 20:17

You know a lot about birds .

Speaker 1 20:19

What do you should mention that I am a bird .

Speaker 2 20:22

I created the virus . It was me .

Speaker 3 20:26

Only you can prevent birds through virus .

Speaker 1 20:30

Thanks , doctor a stilt more birds .

Speaker 2 20:32

Oh , when'd you get that scratch rod ? He's gonna turn into a bird .

Speaker 3 20:37

I .

Speaker 2 20:47

Got tired of killing I rex . Now I killed birds with an AR .

Speaker 1 20:50

Why would you say that about your significant up ?

Speaker 2 20:58

I'll cover you . Oh , oh , no , no she keeps shooting .

Speaker 1 21:10

Becky , I'm sorry . I'm sorry , I'm Jamie , that's just a bad shot oh . Oh what do you mean ? What do you mean ? She's dead ?

Speaker 2 21:28

I know he was in the ROTC . He was that kid in middle school .

Speaker 1 21:36

He did like a four-minute mile no .

Speaker 2 21:42

The eagles killed Becky .

Speaker 3 21:44

She wouldn't be dead if you didn't have to take it .

Speaker 1 21:50

They got to her before I got a chance .

Speaker 2 21:53

My pants were around my ankles .

Speaker 1 21:55

Ramsey got to her before I got a chance to what .

Speaker 2 22:01

You were dropping a hot one , she was getting killed .

Speaker 3 22:14

They killed Becky . Go Becky .

Speaker 2 22:18

What it was , natalie . We Gotta stop these birds . Where can somebody find this movie ?

Speaker 1 22:27

It is not . It is not on any streaming services , but you can buy it on iTunes for how much ? $14 . So if you want to help reimburse us for the price of this film , we've seen what happens when people cover each other doesn't go well , thank you , becky . You . What was that ? What was it ? And it stings . Oh , nice , nice . I got tears on my face .

Speaker 2 23:26

This is so stupid , I'm dead .

Speaker 3 23:35

Hi , the eagles killed our friends . Do you have a phone I can use to call the police ? No , I'm sorry . You know all phones from the Eagle attack , all phones are dead up here .

Speaker 1 23:46

And the dirt said you want to do another take of that ? And he's like no , no .

Speaker 2 23:50

He's good out of my store . It's literally hey , let's , let's find another stranger , we can get killed . Howdy , howdy , you're selling me some gas for my truck .

Speaker 1 24:06

We only have a few gallons and we need them .

Speaker 2 24:08

We just bought some for $100 a gallon down the street . $100 a gallon , I only got $50 in my wallet . He's gonna pull it , I know it .

Speaker 3 24:16

I know it , take it easy , take it easy .

Speaker 2 24:22

Oh , it slices through . I'm just gonna go crawl in his ditch .

Closing

Speaker 2 24:28

They got me , you know the best place to hide during a bird demic the wooded areas . Wooded areas where there's lots of birds . Yeah , who is this Shoot ?

Speaker 1 24:41

that guy . Yeah , yeah , shoot him .

Speaker 2 24:43

Shoot him , rod , don't shoot , I just got a ponytail . Get down here . Get down here . Get down here . Damn global warming . It's the cause of dry climate and bark beetles and death of the trees and forest . Back on the global warming thing .

Speaker 1 25:03

Yeah , I think that's the overarching message here . This is a film .

Speaker 2 25:17

This is a film . I just want to know who he finessed into giving him $10,000 .

Speaker 1 25:21

Yeah , I'm a little curious about where that money I should get from , if I could have finessed somebody with $10,000 .

Speaker 3 25:27

Man .

Speaker 2 25:31

The fake fire is getting on . Give us some feedback . If you just picked up two orphan children in the middle of a- .

Speaker 1 25:43

Oh yeah , f**k them kids . Is this movie going to end like ? Seriously , I'm like what is ? There's no plot to this movie .

Speaker 2 25:59

Now the fish are going to start tripping . The fish are going to jump out . The fish are acting weird what's going on . Global warming is the reason that the fish and the birds and the forest fires are acting crazy .

Speaker 1 26:17

Are we ever going to have a scene where they just are fine ? You know what I mean ? The birds are always going to be chasing after them .

Speaker 2 26:26

Plot to assist the same six birds .

Speaker 1 26:29

They've been following them . Oh , and they're just going to leave . Look , they're leaving . Look , they're leaving .

Speaker 2 26:50

How long are you going to stare at the birds flying away , bro Like ? It's over , figure out how to get home .

Speaker 1 26:55

I've never looked at birds enough this whole time .

Speaker 2 26:58

I'm not trying to slip my throat this time . This is nice .

Speaker 1 27:01

I would be like I don't want to see a bird ever again in my life .

Speaker 2 27:04

The birds would cause me PTSD at this point .

Speaker 1 27:08

We really are going to linger on this shot , aren't we ? So are we going to get .

Speaker 3 27:12

McDonald's or Where's my Happy Meal ? I want Chicky Nuggets .

Speaker 1 27:20

Stop , oh my gosh , stop Now . I'm just mad at this point .

Speaker 2 27:32

Oh there we go Credit's roll , geez , you know .

Speaker 1 27:37

I think I'm in the wrong profession .

Speaker 2 27:42

Should have been screwing people out of investment money and making bad movies . Yeah .

Speaker 1 27:48

Again , I don't know why an editor was credited because no , it's bad .

Speaker 2 27:54

14 bucks , it can be yours though .

Speaker 1 27:56

For $14 . You two can enjoy or not enjoy . You know there are a lot of bad movies that I know about but haven't seen that . I cannot wait to watch with you because there's one director in particular that I've seen . I've seen a different film of his that I know .

Speaker 2 28:14

A nice hamelon . Oh , sorry , is that ?