Amanda Payton

The Non Drinking Buddies chat with actor Amanda Payton about her journey from Vicodin to victory and from booze to balance.

Mocktail Recipe: Mediocre Mocktail

1 oz. orange juice
1 oz. lime juice
1/2 oz. simple syrup
1 oz. non alcoholic tequila alternative

Shake, pour over ice and TRY TO ENJOY but honestly this one was NOT GREAT.

Recorded at The Lyric Hyperion Theater, Silverlake, Los Angeles

Instagram: @nondrinkingbuddies
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0_Z_CJZ3USL7EK6pQ09huQ

Transcript

Anne [00:00:00]:
Hi, Amanda. Hi. It's lovely to meet you.

Amanda [00:00:02]:
Yeah, it's so nice to meet you guys.

Anne [00:00:04]:
Yeah, yeah.

Rebekka [00:00:05]:
Thanks so much for coming on and doing the podcast.

Amanda [00:00:07]:
Thanks for having me.

Rebekka [00:00:08]:
Yeah, we got connected through a publicist we worked with, and Mia recommended that we talk to you. Cause you celebrated four years.

Amanda [00:00:17]:
1111.

Anne [00:00:18]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:00:19]:
She said four.

Anne [00:00:19]:
How hilarious. I know.

Amanda [00:00:20]:
She saw, I think. Cause I, like, posted it on my Facebook and it was, like, from years ago, and it showed, but, yeah, 1111 years. 2013.

Anne [00:00:31]:
Wow.

Amanda [00:00:31]:
Definitely.

Amanda [00:00:32]:
Wow.

Anne [00:00:33]:
So the question we always ask is, why did you quit?

Amanda [00:00:38]:
Oh, my God. I was miserable. Yeah, it just. Life wasn't. We're just gonna get right in there.

Anne [00:00:43]:
Hi.

Rebekka [00:00:43]:
Nice to meet you.

Anne [00:00:44]:
Nice to meet you.

Amanda [00:00:45]:
Nice to meet you. Here's my trauma.

Anne [00:00:46]:
Okay.

Amanda [00:00:48]:
No. I felt like I was living groundhog Day and nothing was working. It just, like, wasn't working. I wanted a career. I didn't have a career. I wanted to be in a healthy relationship. I didn't have that. I wanted to be happy.

Amanda [00:01:01]:
I didn't have that. I was trying to self medicate myself into not caring or being happy. It wasn't working.

Anne [00:01:12]:
Right.

Amanda [00:01:12]:
And I didn't know what else to do.

Amanda [00:01:15]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:01:15]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:01:16]:
And so you were like, this is it. I'm quitting.

Anne [00:01:18]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:01:19]:
I mean, I, like, it was a rock bottom that wasn't, like, forced upon me. It was more of a spiritual rock bottom. I had been pulled over drunk multiple times. I was working at a bar, and I would get drunk every night at the bars.

Anne [00:01:31]:
What bar?

Amanda [00:01:32]:
Standard.

Anne [00:01:33]:
Oh, man. Downtown.

Amanda [00:01:35]:
Downtown.

Anne [00:01:36]:
Okay.

Amanda [00:01:36]:
I used to work downtown at a place called the Varnish, which was a cocktail bar. So I also. We used to drink while we were working.

Amanda [00:01:43]:
Yeah. And. Or after.

Anne [00:01:46]:
And after. Yeah.

Amanda [00:01:47]:
Or before.

Anne [00:01:48]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:01:49]:
I, like, had rules for myself.

Anne [00:01:50]:
Right. Oh, yeah.

Amanda [00:01:51]:
Which is straight out of the aa big book, where it's like.

Anne [00:01:53]:
It is.

Amanda [00:01:54]:
I was like. You know, I literally was like, I will not drink before the sun goes down. So once the sun goes down, it was like, ramen.

Amanda [00:02:01]:
The winter that starts real early.

Amanda [00:02:03]:
430. But it was.

Anne [00:02:05]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:02:05]:
And so the sun would go down. I'd be like, this will be okay. I can start drinking now.

Anne [00:02:08]:
And then.

Amanda [00:02:09]:
You know, I'll pass out at bedtime.

Anne [00:02:11]:
Oh, God.

Amanda [00:02:11]:
I just wanted to be able to. When I was working at the bar, I wanted to be able to count the money.

Anne [00:02:17]:
You know what I mean?

Amanda [00:02:18]:
I had to be.

Anne [00:02:19]:
She had to be sober enough to count.

Amanda [00:02:21]:
Yes, to literally count. Cause otherwise you're just counting.

Anne [00:02:23]:
It's like your own, like, the cops pulling you over. Sobriety test. But for yourself, do the Alphabet backward right now.

Amanda [00:02:31]:
Well, they would check it. So I was like, all right, I'm $5 off. Let's do it again.

Anne [00:02:36]:
Right? I didn't care.

Amanda [00:02:38]:
I didn't care.

Amanda [00:02:38]:
So did you quit while you were still working there?

Amanda [00:02:41]:
I quit while I was still working there.

Amanda [00:02:42]:
Oh, so that must have been difficult.

Anne [00:02:43]:
Oh, yeah.

Amanda [00:02:44]:
I used to, like, go under the pool deck. I'd be like, I need 85 minutes, and I'd go under the pool deck, and I'd, like, call my sponsor. Cause I did it through the program. So I'd, like, call my. She'd be like, pray. And I'd be like, okay. Yeah.

Anne [00:02:57]:
So many triggers.

Amanda [00:02:58]:
So many triggers. But also, once I calmed down enough to actually observe what was happening, I did notice that, like, oh, like, I think I'm cooler, hotter, sexier, smarter, wittier when I'm drunk, but, like, no one is, right? Like, they feel more comfortable. They're louder and dumber, right? You're not funnier.

Anne [00:03:18]:
No, you're just loud, loud, loud, loud. And you think you know a lot.

Amanda [00:03:22]:
And you're not faster, you're slower, you're wasted, right? Like, I'm like, I think I'm witty, and I got no.

Amanda [00:03:28]:
And did you find those things, too, where, like, did you ever serve someone and recognize, like, you in that customer? Like, I've done it where I've. Since I've quit, like, working, where I'm serving someone who, in the afternoon, is on their getting their third happy hour drink. Meanwhile, all their friends are having coffee, and I'm like, oh, that would have been me. Because I would have been like, it's fun. We're on a patio.

Anne [00:03:52]:
We should drink.

Amanda [00:03:53]:
You know?

Amanda [00:03:53]:
Or people coming up, like, really uncomfortable, and you can just tell that they're uncomfortable in their skin and then, like, settling into themselves as they keep drinking. And that was my main thing. I was like, am I always gonna be uncomfortable in my skin if I stop drinking? I remember my first day being sober. I went with a friend who was also sober. I think she had, like, six months, which I was like, that's so long. And so we went to one of those korean spas.

Anne [00:04:21]:
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where everyone's just walking around naked. Walking around naked. Everyone's very comfortable in their skin.

Amanda [00:04:25]:
Everyone's so comfortable.

Anne [00:04:26]:
She was like, old ladies. I love it. I love it.

Amanda [00:04:30]:
Just fully out.

Anne [00:04:31]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:04:32]:
So she thought that was a good idea. But I remember being like, am I always gonna feel like this? Am I always gonna feel like this. We went to do that and then we went to a meeting full of my first meeting. Old men only.

Anne [00:04:44]:
Just the elderly.

Amanda [00:04:45]:
The elderly. There was like five old men.

Anne [00:04:46]:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Amanda [00:04:47]:
I think all of their names were like, Bill and Bob.

Anne [00:04:49]:
Yeah, yeah.

Amanda [00:04:51]:
Like the founders of AA. And I was just like. And they like, gave me a free book. They were stoked. Like two young women were coming.

Anne [00:04:58]:
Yeah. Welcome to AA.

Amanda [00:05:02]:
Well, I think people are so happy when there's newcomers anyway.

Amanda [00:05:05]:
Cause they're like, so excited. But especially the bills and the bobs. Oh, beautiful. These actresses, there were only like four or five of them. And it was always there. There were always the same people. And then like two of us came in just like.

Anne [00:05:19]:
Hi.

Amanda [00:05:20]:
Yeah, we saw that there was a meeting.

Anne [00:05:22]:
Yeah, I'm gonna move this mic a little bit. Okay. Cause I feel like I did this wrong. There we go. Is that better? No, no, no.

Amanda [00:05:28]:
But you wanna see the opposite of that. Okay, here.

Anne [00:05:30]:
I can't tell. Sorry.

Amanda [00:05:31]:
No, we're good.

Anne [00:05:32]:
How's that good?

Amanda [00:05:34]:
You mean to.

Anne [00:05:35]:
Cause I hit it with this thing. No, no, no, it's so that I didn't. She doesn't bump into. So she doesn't get a concussion.

Amanda [00:05:46]:
Oh, we like that.

Anne [00:05:47]:
I just got excited.

Amanda [00:05:49]:
So I wanna hear about. Cause obviously you've had such an illustrious career, like so many different tv shows.

Amanda [00:05:56]:
That's very kind of you.

Amanda [00:05:58]:
You've been in like so many different things. But that didn't really kinda going until after you quit drinking. Or was that kind of.

Amanda [00:06:06]:
Well, okay. If you look at my IMDb, it's actually quite funny because before I stopped drinking, literally, if you look at my first, like four or five credits. Drunk girl.

Amanda [00:06:15]:
What?

Amanda [00:06:16]:
No, drunk girl on numbers. Okay, party girl. Party girl on I don't. Something. And then it was introvert who needs.

Anne [00:06:30]:
Alcohol to be extroverted. I wish they were like, could you shorten that? No, that's what it is in the.

Amanda [00:06:36]:
Script storytelling party guest, where I was smoking a cigarette and drinking, I had gone in for a different role.

Anne [00:06:43]:
And they're like, we can tell you drink.

Amanda [00:06:45]:
Can you just tell us a story? And I was like, yeah, I was hungover. So I did like four things ish that were all drunk girls.

Anne [00:06:55]:
Dude. I used to drink before callbacks.

Amanda [00:06:58]:
I would take a Vicodin.

Anne [00:07:00]:
I would take a shot. Yeah, I would take a shot.

Amanda [00:07:03]:
Actually, someone told me who was working. I'm not gonna say who. She's not working anymore.

Anne [00:07:08]:
Okay.

Amanda [00:07:09]:
But she told me and she was working a lot that. That was a good thing to do. Like, if you take a shot or, like, a Vicodin or something before a callback, you'll be less nervous.

Anne [00:07:18]:
Wow.

Amanda [00:07:19]:
So I would, like, add her all up so that I wouldn't, like, pass out. I'd like Adderall up and then drink it down or Vicodin down.

Anne [00:07:26]:
Wow.

Amanda [00:07:26]:
Yeah, yeah.

Anne [00:07:27]:
No, I used to do that. I remember, like, before a testing for a network, I drank, I shot in a car, had a car. I got it. That's the thing. Some of these things, these coping things, like, they work until they work. They work until they don't work. That's right.

Amanda [00:07:44]:
That's right.

Anne [00:07:44]:
And you're masking something. It's like, for me, it was like anxiety, right? Yeah. But then there are other ways to deal with that anxiety.

Amanda [00:07:51]:
That's the thing. Back to, like, I thought I was always gonna be really uncomfortable, but, like, if I was drinking, I wouldn't be able to have this conversation with you guys. I just wouldn't. I mean, it's noon. It's before dark.

Anne [00:08:02]:
Okay, so I wouldn't have. You wouldn't be drinking?

Amanda [00:08:04]:
I wouldn't be drinking yet. And I just. I've learned in the last eleven years.

Anne [00:08:10]:
Wow.

Amanda [00:08:10]:
That took a long time. But I learned, and honestly, through the steps, because you can just quit drinking and, like, that works for some people. But for me, it was like I was drinking for a reason. It was a solution that worked until it didn't work. I think it probably, like, saved me for a while and, like, helped me get places and get things that I wanted, but then it stopped working and I didn't know. You don't know what you don't know. So, like, I just didn't know, like, any other solutions. I didn't have any other tools, so I was so uncomfortable when I wasn't drinking because that was my only tool.

Anne [00:08:49]:
Right. Yeah.

Amanda [00:08:50]:
So learning other tools has been huge. I feel like you asked me a question that I.

Anne [00:08:55]:
No, no, no. I love that. And that's the thing that we always talk about. Like, so what are some of those tools that, like, you learned?

Amanda [00:09:00]:
I have so many. Okay, so I have so many now.

Anne [00:09:04]:
Great. We need more exercise.

Amanda [00:09:06]:
Running, moving my body. I remember, like, my first year being like, I don't know. My sponsor was like, you don't know who you're gonna be. Like, you could be a runner. I was like, yeah, right. That's hysterical. Cause I got out of the 1 mile run in PE. Like, I have asthma.

Anne [00:09:23]:
What was your excuse? Oh, you. Asthma. It was real.

Amanda [00:09:26]:
I was, like, hospitalized.

Anne [00:09:27]:
No, it was real. Okay, Amanda. Sorry. I said it before you said asthma. That came out of my mouth.

Amanda [00:09:35]:
I also used other excuses. I could walk it, you know, or asthma shaming. I did. I went to the hospital for asthma.

Anne [00:09:42]:
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

Amanda [00:09:43]:
No, I feel terrible. No, but I run now like I'm a runner.

Anne [00:09:48]:
Wow. Wow.

Amanda [00:09:49]:
Weird, right?

Amanda [00:09:49]:
And you could do that with asthma.

Amanda [00:09:51]:
Yeah, I like it. I'm sure you figured it out.

Anne [00:09:54]:
Wow.

Amanda [00:09:55]:
Phone calls. Calling people.

Anne [00:09:57]:
Yeah, we talk about that service. Yes.

Amanda [00:10:00]:
Calling someone who, like, is doing worse than you and saying, how are you? Yeah, I mean, I now, like, there's a saying, like, don't go to the hardware store for milk. So, like, learning what the hardware store is and also where to get milk.

Amanda [00:10:13]:
Okay.

Amanda [00:10:14]:
So, like, where, like, before I would call my mom for everything, or, like, call, like, a friend for every, like. So now I go where people have what I want.

Anne [00:10:26]:
Right?

Amanda [00:10:26]:
So, like, if I wanna learn how to, like, be in a relationship, I will go to someone who has a successful relationship that I admire.

Anne [00:10:33]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:10:34]:
Instead of going to, like, my friend who's just gonna be like, fuck em. Like, fuck men. We hate men. Like, but that we need for other things.

Anne [00:10:42]:
But unless you need that flavor of milk someday, like, someday you just wanna be, like.

Amanda [00:10:45]:
Exactly. Exactly. Yeah.

Anne [00:10:47]:
Got it.

Amanda [00:10:47]:
So, like, learning. Also learning how to ask for help, like, learning how to find someone who has something I want and saying, how'd you do it? People don't really do that, which is wild.

Amanda [00:10:58]:
I think in the program, they tell you to help and they tell you to ask for help, and everyone's so helpful, and everyone is so readily available to give you their number and all that. Whereas in our normal lives.

Anne [00:11:11]:
Yeah, people are.

Amanda [00:11:12]:
I fully translated it into normal.

Anne [00:11:14]:
That's beautiful. That's awesome.

Amanda [00:11:15]:
So, like, when I was on sets, like, I remember working on trial and error, and I remember Kristin Chenoweth was our number one. And I was like, how do you do that? Like, how do you do this? And everyone likes you. How are you doing?

Anne [00:11:26]:
Right?

Amanda [00:11:27]:
And are you exhausted?

Anne [00:11:28]:
She is cool as.

Amanda [00:11:29]:
She's so cool.

Anne [00:11:29]:
She seems so cool.

Amanda [00:11:30]:
She's so cool.

Anne [00:11:30]:
She's so talented. Jesus Christ.

Amanda [00:11:32]:
But we formed a really close friendship because I was able to be like, hey, how are you doing this? I wanna do that. How do you do it? How are you carrying all this on your back? Are you stressed out? Do you feel like people pleasery. What are you doing? How do you do this?

Anne [00:11:45]:
Right?

Amanda [00:11:45]:
How do you compartmentalize? Cause it must be, like, to have such a massive role and carry a whole sitcom, especially, like, I'm sure coming off of Broadway. Off Broadway and all that stuff that she was coming off of. Like, how do you compartmentalize and not say, this better be the thing.

Amanda [00:12:01]:
Right.

Amanda [00:12:01]:
And not self sabotage.

Anne [00:12:03]:
Yeah, yeah. And also, like, onset, as we all know, like, the person at the top, really. It's like a top down kind of thing. The energy, the vibe, the. How healthy or not healthy.

Amanda [00:12:15]:
She for sure taught me how to, like, trickles down.

Anne [00:12:18]:
So, like, to be generous. That's amazing. And also know your lines and all that stuff and hit your marks and all that.

Amanda [00:12:23]:
But just asking, like, yeah, people are pretty receptive to it.

Anne [00:12:27]:
That's amazing.

Amanda [00:12:28]:
If you have a friend who's, like. Or even an acquaintance who's, like, doing something really cool that you want to be able to do, just, like, asking how they do that. Instead of asking, like, I don't. Like, if I'm getting all worked up and, like, frenzied. Like, my mom is not the person.

Anne [00:12:42]:
Is she an anxious person?

Amanda [00:12:44]:
She's, like a jewish mother. I have the jewish mother from.

Anne [00:12:48]:
I've got a Catholic. Yeah. Yeah.

Amanda [00:12:50]:
So she gets, like, frenzy.

Anne [00:12:51]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:12:52]:
Right. So if I go to her for something for a calming, like, now I know where to go if I need the calm.

Amanda [00:12:59]:
Right.

Amanda [00:13:00]:
You know? So that's another tool.

Anne [00:13:03]:
That's a great one.

Amanda [00:13:04]:
There's so many, though.

Anne [00:13:05]:
I really love that. I am so speaking of tools, I recently. So I was. I'm not in the program, but I was looking up, like, what are my biggest issues right now? And I'm like, oh, damn. I'm really codependent. So I've been going Dakota meetings.

Amanda [00:13:22]:
Those are great.

Anne [00:13:23]:
And I've been reading a lot about it, and that's a tool that I have found extremely helpful.

Amanda [00:13:28]:
Totally.

Anne [00:13:28]:
And that kind of. It's been a kind of aha. Thing. The people pleasing.

Amanda [00:13:34]:
Oh, yeah.

Anne [00:13:34]:
Oh, my God. Even asking for help is really hard for me. And, like, all of that stuff, I.

Amanda [00:13:40]:
Mean, it goes hand in hand, too.

Anne [00:13:42]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:13:42]:
And you could probably pinpoint how you used alcohol to, like, deal with some of those problems where now alcohol is removed, you're, like, just faced with it. Yeah, I know.

Amanda [00:13:53]:
Whack a mole. Yeah. My alcoholism is just a whack a mole. Eleven years later, something will pop up. I'm like, oh, God, what is that?

Anne [00:14:02]:
Right? Yeah. Cause we're complex and we've got different triggers that, like, oh, I thought I dealt with that. Oh, nope, it's back. Okay, that's interesting. And that's what makes this tricky.

Amanda [00:14:12]:
And things will keep coming back until you deal with it.

Anne [00:14:14]:
Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Amanda [00:14:15]:
That's the other thing about drinking is, like, I was doing the same thing over and over again, over and over again, the same exact thing, and I was not realizing that it was the same thing. I mean, I've heard people say, like, dating the same guy in different fonts.

Anne [00:14:26]:
Right, right. And that's what it was like.

Amanda [00:14:28]:
But with, like, everything different in my life.

Anne [00:14:30]:
Yes.

Amanda [00:14:31]:
Yeah, exactly. And I was the victim of everything. It was happening to me.

Anne [00:14:37]:
Right.

Amanda [00:14:38]:
Oh, another tool that I love. Gratitude list.

Anne [00:14:40]:
Oh, yeah.

Amanda [00:14:41]:
I've been doing it for eight years. I have an email with a group of women every day. We all write our gratitude.

Anne [00:14:48]:
That's lucky.

Amanda [00:14:48]:
And then it's just, like, dinging throughout the day. So I remember. Cause, like, I'll get other people's, and then you can, like, keep with each other. And then also, like, if something happens, I don't have to. When I pick up the phone, I don't have to be like, okay, so remember five years ago when da da da da. I can just be like, this happened. This person said this to me, and they'll know the history.

Anne [00:15:06]:
Right? Yeah.

Amanda [00:15:07]:
Yeah.

Anne [00:15:07]:
Wow.

Amanda [00:15:08]:
You're building this, like, foundation so that you have a bunch of different people that you could go to in community.

Amanda [00:15:14]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:15:14]:
That's amazing.

Amanda [00:15:15]:
Yeah.

Anne [00:15:16]:
Yeah. You have had such a good career. Like, how has being sober and using these tools helped you with the ups and downs? Because I know just zooming out, our industry is kind of in flux right now. How are you dealing with that?

Amanda [00:15:31]:
Not great.

Anne [00:15:34]:
You might say. It's great.

Amanda [00:15:36]:
I love it.

Anne [00:15:37]:
Let me tell you. It's perfect.

Amanda [00:15:39]:
It's hard for me when things are not at a go, go, go breakneck pace, and I have a lot of fear. But what helps is, like, a faith in a power higher than myself. Just that I don't know what it is. I grew up with a really punishing christian God, and that doesn't work for me because it just doesn't work.

Anne [00:16:02]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:16:02]:
You don't want to be punished all the time.

Amanda [00:16:03]:
Absolutely not. But a faith that I am not the biggest thing in the world, I don't have all the power. And that's, like, anything. Like, literally, like, go to the beach. Can you stop the waves? No. That's a higher power that's more powerful than you. But a faith in that has helped a lot just to be. And also just being of service to other people.

Amanda [00:16:29]:
And I've been able to. I took on another sponsor while it was slow, and that's, like, a beautiful thing, too.

Amanda [00:16:39]:
Can you tell us about that? I don't think we've talked about sponsoring someone on this podcast.

Anne [00:16:45]:
Obviously no names, but give us their address and social.

Amanda [00:16:48]:
Yeah, they're great.

Amanda [00:16:50]:
The experience for you of, like, what does it feel like? What does it do for you to be a sponsor?

Amanda [00:16:57]:
Well, a sponsor is not, like, a higher power. That's not what it's for. But a sponsor is literally just someone who can take you through the twelve steps. You generally will choose someone who has a semblance of what you want. You know, like, when I chose my sponsor, she was married. I wasn't. I am now. She was married to a great guy.

Amanda [00:17:18]:
She was. She owned her own business. She was. At the time, I was like, you know, she was beautiful. So I was like, that's important.

Anne [00:17:27]:
That's perfect.

Amanda [00:17:27]:
Yeah, you're hot, so, yeah, I want that. She also had a nice car and money, so I was like, that's great, too. Cause I was living, like, in a closet. Yeah. I was living in a room turned into a closet for, like, $500 a month.

Anne [00:17:40]:
Oh, yeah, right. I did that. My first apartment for. Exactly.

Amanda [00:17:43]:
Exactly. So I liked that. But then also, she had friends. Like, a lot of friends. People would save her seats at meetings and stuff.

Anne [00:17:51]:
Yeah, yeah.

Amanda [00:17:51]:
There was just, like, the things.

Anne [00:17:53]:
Right.

Amanda [00:17:53]:
So you find someone who has what you want, and then you ask them how they did it, and then they just say, here's how I did it. And, like, if a sponsee comes to me and is. So we work through the steps. Right. So I'm there to, like, facilitate that, but also, like, to remind them to, like, call other people. If I don't have experiences with something, I'm like, oh, but you know what? I have a friend who experienced that. If someone's going through a divorce, I have 1015 women that I know that got through it and lived. But it's really rewarding.

Amanda [00:18:24]:
It feels similar. It gives me a similar warm fuzzies as doing a good job on set.

Anne [00:18:34]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:18:35]:
So, yeah.

Amanda [00:18:36]:
Cause you're interacting one on one with someone you could see and helping them changing their own lives right in front.

Amanda [00:18:41]:
Of you, I'm sure.

Anne [00:18:41]:
Right.

Amanda [00:18:42]:
Yeah. And it's beautiful to, like, watch the light turn on in someone. It's so cool.

Anne [00:18:48]:
Have you ever, like, dealt with somebody who relapsed? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How did you. How were you in surface in that way or relapse.

Amanda [00:18:59]:
Like, I had to, like, a little bit go to Al Anon, like, a little bit of Alanine.

Anne [00:19:03]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:19:03]:
Just even for, like, working with sponsors.

Anne [00:19:06]:
I think that would be my thing.

Amanda [00:19:07]:
Yeah. It's hard.

Anne [00:19:09]:
You just have to, like, they have.

Amanda [00:19:11]:
Their own higher power and, like, you cannot give to something, give someone something that they don't want. And the hardest part is I can't want it more than you.

Anne [00:19:20]:
Right.

Amanda [00:19:21]:
So if you're not calling me, then I can't, like, hound you down.

Anne [00:19:25]:
Yeah. You can't do the work for them.

Amanda [00:19:27]:
No.

Anne [00:19:27]:
You can lead them.

Amanda [00:19:28]:
It's tough, though, because you do get close to people and you, like, I, like, really love my sponsor, and most of them are young, and I really see myself even younger than I was when I got sober. And so alcoholics are some of the kindest, most tender hearted, most ambitious, smartest people I've ever met. And I think it's. Cause when you're so sensitive to everything and you want good for the world and you want good for yourself and everyone around you, the world is rough. We are at war all the time.

Anne [00:20:05]:
Oh, my God.

Amanda [00:20:06]:
There's always someone suffering. And the fact that we're just supposed to sit here sober and be like.

Amanda [00:20:13]:
Yeah, and not be affected, what are we gonna do?

Amanda [00:20:16]:
And then social media is telling us all the people that are dying all the time.

Anne [00:20:20]:
Oh, yeah. So we numbed. We numbed. We need help. Yep. We needed help. But there's other paths of help. There's other paths of help.

Amanda [00:20:28]:
But, yeah, so this is sidetracked. But, but, yeah, no, you love these people that you're working with, and they're telling you their deepest, darkest secrets that are endearing.

Anne [00:20:41]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:20:43]:
And so it's tough to hold it with a open hand, but all I can do is be like, this is how I did it. I don't know how people parent.

Anne [00:20:55]:
Well, yeah, I mean, that's one of the reasons that I quit, is because I was not. I would get. I would drink during, like, I would mess up words that are in story time. I would get my.

Amanda [00:21:07]:
It's like what Obama said, right? Like, it's like having an appendage outside of yourself. Like a hard walking around.

Anne [00:21:12]:
Yes, yes.

Amanda [00:21:13]:
If I have a hard time doing it with a sponsee who, I don't know. I didn't raise you. You just came up to me and said, hey, can you help me with this thing?

Amanda [00:21:20]:
Right.

Amanda [00:21:20]:
And I'm like, please don't drink. Please don't drink.

Anne [00:21:23]:
Don't.

Amanda [00:21:23]:
Just don't use, like. Cause, you know, they'll call and they'll say, I'm having cravings or whatever, and you have to just be like, okay, here's what I need you to do. Like, get to a meeting and call me after. And then, like, if you don't hear from them for three days, you worry.

Anne [00:21:38]:
It's like, your kids didn't come home. Yes, but they're not even your kids. No, I know, but it's the same with a kid. It's tough. Like, I'm working through it in Koda right now. I mean, like. Yeah, like, I don't want them to feel pain. And I'm like, they're gonna experience pain.

Anne [00:21:54]:
It's tricky. It's hard.

Amanda [00:21:56]:
You're also gonna. They're gonna be in therapy for something you did.

Anne [00:21:58]:
I know. 100% probably for. Yeah.

Amanda [00:22:01]:
And the thing is, they can say, because they're so safe with us, like, we are safe to them. Too safe.

Anne [00:22:08]:
We're too fucking safe. They can say horrendous things to us. It's good.

Amanda [00:22:12]:
Yeah, I know.

Amanda [00:22:13]:
Like, they could say, like, my son will say really mean things to me. Right. And you have to just say, okay, well, you know, he's angry right now. Like, it's like, you can't take it personally. As if anyone else. If anyone else said some of the.

Anne [00:22:27]:
Things, I would be like, you are an asshole. Right. Yeah.

Amanda [00:22:30]:
But, you know, it's a weird thing. And I worry mostly about him when alcohol and drugs are gonna be introduced.

Amanda [00:22:41]:
Cause it's hereditary, too. Yeah, yeah, and you have that, like.

Amanda [00:22:45]:
Yeah, and here he has anxiety and stuff. So I'm like, oh, God. Like, you know, he's telling me now. Cause he knows I quit. He's like, I'm never gonna drink. And I'm like, yeah, you are.

Amanda [00:22:59]:
And you're probably gonna really like it.

Anne [00:23:01]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:23:01]:
But maybe not. Maybe he won't be an alcoholic.

Anne [00:23:04]:
My God.

Amanda [00:23:05]:
But if he is, you know, like, there. Okay, so I. There are so many people that I know in my circle of sobriety whose parents are sober, who went out and did their own research, and then they knew exactly where to go.

Anne [00:23:16]:
Right? So that is good. They have the toolbox right there. Yeah.

Amanda [00:23:19]:
Yeah.

Anne [00:23:20]:
The mean thing. Jack came in. I took an early shower this morning, and he just came in, and he just stared at my body. Stop.

Amanda [00:23:26]:
Oh, no.

Anne [00:23:26]:
Oh, no.

Amanda [00:23:27]:
Oh, no.

Anne [00:23:28]:
He's like, you need to shave that hair. Gyna.

Amanda [00:23:30]:
No.

Anne [00:23:31]:
Yes.

Amanda [00:23:32]:
How old is he?

Anne [00:23:33]:
Seven. He shouldn't be looking at his mom's hairy vagina.

Amanda [00:23:37]:
Also hair.

Anne [00:23:38]:
Giant hair gyna. At least.

Amanda [00:23:40]:
That's funny.

Amanda [00:23:41]:
It is funny. At least he's got, like, a good burn. Wow, Jack.

Anne [00:23:45]:
Thanks. Thanks. Oh, sorry, I shouldn't have said his name, but whatever. It's okay. There's a lot of. Jack, it's okay.

Amanda [00:23:50]:
It's okay.

Amanda [00:23:51]:
Oh, man.

Anne [00:23:52]:
Yeah. Yeah, they're mean. They're mean. Yeah. Like, lots of wrinkles. They just say what's true.

Amanda [00:23:57]:
They say that?

Anne [00:23:58]:
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Amanda [00:23:59]:
They know either what to say.

Amanda [00:24:02]:
So sponsors don't do that.

Amanda [00:24:04]:
Right?

Anne [00:24:05]:
So sponsors are going to be a.

Amanda [00:24:07]:
Little mean, a little bit nicer to you.

Anne [00:24:11]:
That's. Yeah.

Amanda [00:24:12]:
Just a little older.

Anne [00:24:13]:
Yeah. Yeah. I hope there are no seven year olds in the program. Oh, God, yeah. No.

Amanda [00:24:20]:
Although I do wish there was something for kids. For kids.

Anne [00:24:23]:
Like, even.

Amanda [00:24:24]:
Like, even though, you know, there's Al Anon and stuff, I don't think that's the right thing for my son at this point. But I just wish there was, like, the kind of thing that taught the steps how to in a group.

Amanda [00:24:37]:
That could be you.

Amanda [00:24:38]:
That could be you.

Amanda [00:24:39]:
You could sponsor your child.

Anne [00:24:41]:
Well, I have group therapy. I have sort of.

Amanda [00:24:43]:
Because I'm not, like, a religious person in any way, and we haven't raised him with any kind of God anything. And the other day, he was, like, having a tough time, and I just was like, well, I could, like, say the serenity prayer, you know? And I did. And he was like, what are you doing?

Anne [00:25:02]:
He was like, next thing you heard, he's like, next thing I know, you're.

Amanda [00:25:06]:
Gonna be talking about some fat man in the sky.

Amanda [00:25:10]:
Oh, my God. Okay.

Anne [00:25:12]:
Okay.

Amanda [00:25:12]:
And I'm like, what are you doing? Yeah, he's like. Like, in a little turd. I just had my hands like this. I was just thinking he was having kind of a tantrum type thing, and he's like, stop that. I think he's just like, what the hell has come over my mother?

Amanda [00:25:28]:
I think that they're observing. I think they're observing you guys, and I think that you having different tools will show them different tools. I think it's just natural.

Amanda [00:25:37]:
And also. It's natural for them to be like, that's so stupid. And then secretly taking on.

Anne [00:25:42]:
And also, like, yes. They're learning.

Amanda [00:25:44]:
It's also natural for them to be, like, my mom's nerd.

Anne [00:25:48]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:25:49]:
And it's also natural for them to be uncomfortable because you're, like, growing them, like, physically and just. I mean, it's so uncomfortable to be, like, nine.

Anne [00:25:57]:
Oh, my God. Seven through 14.

Amanda [00:25:59]:
Oh, my God.

Amanda [00:26:00]:
25, 43.

Anne [00:26:05]:
When does it get better? I don't know. One of these days. I mean, it's getting better. That's the thing. Like, all of these tools are making it better. Like, I'm like. It's tricky. Cause I feel like sometimes those extreme highs, I'm not having those quite as much.

Amanda [00:26:19]:
I love those.

Anne [00:26:20]:
It's tough. Yeah. But I'm having baseline better, if that makes any sense. My baseline is slowly raising up around the year mark. Cause we're at, what, 16 months now or 1717 months.

Amanda [00:26:32]:
It gets so much better.

Anne [00:26:34]:
That was tricky. Cause it was like, you get that initial high from the pink cloud.

Amanda [00:26:39]:
I didn't get the pink cloud, but. But I remember not wanting to take a cake on my one year anniversary. Cause I was still working at the bar, and I didn't feel like my life was that much better. I was living in the same place. Like, my outside circumstances looked the exact same, but I had just, like, got. And I wasn't, like, happier, necessarily. I just had, like, gotten through the year without drinking or doing any drugs.

Anne [00:27:03]:
I think that's where we were. Honestly, by the year, at least I was there.

Amanda [00:27:06]:
Any pink cloud. I had friends who were like, I'm doing this. And I was like, I hate this, but I remember not wanting to take a cake. And I remember telling my sponsor, my sponsor was like, you don't take a cake for yourself. You're taking a cake for the person who has 30 days and cannot imagine having a year.

Anne [00:27:23]:
Yep. Wow.

Amanda [00:27:24]:
And they are not gonna relate to me, my sponsor. I'm speaking as my sponsor, who's taking ten years, but they can maybe relate to you, who's taking a year. So you just share honestly, and you can tell them it was sucked and it was hard and you feel shitty.

Anne [00:27:39]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:27:39]:
And I was like, okay.

Amanda [00:27:40]:
And that you still got through it.

Anne [00:27:42]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:27:42]:
And I was like, I don't. I still don't have an acting job. And, like, she's like, if at five years you don't, then we can talk about it. And I was like, five years.

Anne [00:27:52]:
I know.

Amanda [00:27:53]:
Old then. But then I actually took my five year cake in Vancouver. Shooting trial and error.

Anne [00:28:01]:
Yay.

Amanda [00:28:02]:
And I called my sponsor. She's like, apparently.

Amanda [00:28:04]:
I know it.

Amanda [00:28:05]:
She was like, I didn't know. She's like, I just say these things to you. Like, they just come to me. I don't know, you know?

Anne [00:28:10]:
Oh, really? It was a great wisdom. No, it was great.

Amanda [00:28:14]:
I hope I'm doing the same thing.

Anne [00:28:15]:
You took that five year old cake and you, like, you ate Vancouver.

Amanda [00:28:18]:
I took the 6th year cake in England working. But now, you know, like, as an addict, I'm like, if I don't take my cake in another country, right, I'm failing. So, like, this year I took my cake here and I was.

Anne [00:28:28]:
Here's the tricky thing with all of it. And, like, this is again. Cause I'm just starting this coda journey thing. But, like, putting so much of our happiness on exterior circumstances is so fucking dangerous.

Amanda [00:28:41]:
But we can also, like, observe it.

Anne [00:28:43]:
Like, that's the thing is. I'm sorry.

Amanda [00:28:44]:
Like, now I can be like, oh, that's cute.

Anne [00:28:46]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:28:46]:
Like, my brain goes, oh, it's over. You're failing.

Anne [00:28:49]:
You took a cake in California and.

Amanda [00:28:52]:
Then you're like, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Anne [00:28:54]:
No, it's not over.

Amanda [00:28:54]:
That's cute.

Anne [00:28:56]:
Yeah, yeah. Okay. Oh, that's my, that's my, like, inner child. You're really scared. Yeah.

Amanda [00:28:59]:
You're really scared that you're. You've been found out as a fraud and that, like, you know, you're gonna. Fear is like, what, the fear of, like, losing something you have or not getting something you want?

Anne [00:29:10]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:29:10]:
And that's a fear of both. So you're both scared that, like, you had this thing and, like, you're never gonna get it again. And you have these aspirations and then you're never gonna get those. So it's just like, fear and then you.

Anne [00:29:22]:
And it's in the past and the future, and it's like, oh, my present is actually pretty darn good. That's great. Yeah.

Amanda [00:29:27]:
And that's where the gratitude comes in.

Anne [00:29:28]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:29:29]:
And I have lovely friends and I'm married and, like, I have a home and, like, these things that I be on my wildest dreams, right?

Anne [00:29:38]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:29:38]:
When I first got sober, I remember being like, how I can't. When I get married, I'm not gonna have champagne at my wedding. Like, it was like, girl, no one wants to marry you.

Anne [00:29:49]:
We have a friend who said that.

Amanda [00:29:50]:
You'Re not gonna get married.

Anne [00:29:53]:
You're gonna get married. That's. I mean, we're all a mess.

Amanda [00:29:56]:
No one would have. No. And if they did marry me, it would have been a who. It would have been.

Anne [00:30:01]:
Who are you? What's your fucking problem?

Amanda [00:30:03]:
You marry someone who's blacking out everybody, right? Unless you want that, which is a problem. Yeah.

Anne [00:30:09]:
We have a friend who was thinking about quitting and that was a concern. Like, that's a genuine concern for some people and that's the only reason I'm saying it, is because some people are like, well, I want to drink at my kid's wedding. And even though they're kids.

Amanda [00:30:24]:
But you know what's really cool is I remember my wedding.

Amanda [00:30:26]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:30:27]:
Yeah, I remember it. And I didn't do anything to embarrass myself or anybody else. My in laws still like me, I hope. I think.

Anne [00:30:35]:
All right. I mean, honestly, that's no concern. Yeah.

Amanda [00:30:38]:
You know what? What they think of me is not my business.

Anne [00:30:41]:
Yep, yep.

Amanda [00:30:41]:
It's amazing, because when you're quitting, when you're in that early part, you can't imagine that you're happier that you were sober at your wedding.

Amanda [00:30:52]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:30:52]:
You know, and I think that's what it is. Like, even when some of my friends say, won't I want a glass of champagne at my kid's wedding? And I'm like, you know, for me, I actually know. I don't, because I know that what happens when I drink, just because something's a significant moment doesn't mean that I'm gonna suddenly behave.

Amanda [00:31:12]:
Also, how many stories are there in movies and in real life of, like, mother of the bride, mother of the groom got wasted. We're embarrassed.

Anne [00:31:21]:
Yeah, you know what? Fuck it. I'll share it. My sister at my wedding was hungover from the rehearsal dinner and was drunk at the wedding. It was like a morning wedding. Cause we got the venue cheaper. And I was like, okay, we can get steak for half price. You know me. Morning steak, baby.

Anne [00:31:41]:
09:00 a.m.. Still. It was 11:00 a.m. I'm not a monster. And my lunch steak. My sister was still drunk and, like, still drinking, and she was lifting up her skirt and showing people bruises from falling down the night before, and she laid down on the dance floor at the wedding.

Amanda [00:32:00]:
That 100% would have been me.

Anne [00:32:02]:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's not like this normally. I'm already a lot, but. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Amanda [00:32:07]:
I was already doing things in my wedding where people were like, what is happening?

Anne [00:32:10]:
Right? Oh, I know.

Amanda [00:32:11]:
I, like, flexed my muscle at one point. There's, like, pictures. I was like, this is how I got him.

Amanda [00:32:17]:
I love it.

Amanda [00:32:18]:
Just, like, so weird. Like, what are you doing?

Anne [00:32:20]:
Well, you're working out.

Amanda [00:32:21]:
Yeah, these are my times. I did, actually, on our first date, on my husband and my first date, I was like, do you want to see my mom?

Anne [00:32:28]:
Oh, my God. This is speaking to me. Wait, wait, wait. This is so. So another thing that I'm doing recently is with my doctor's approval is macros. I want to get fucking arms. I told her, I want your arms.

Amanda [00:32:43]:
I would pull it. I can't. It's such a tricky. But really, like, I. Wow.

Amanda [00:32:47]:
We're gonna check out instagram as he goes.

Anne [00:32:49]:
Arms.

Amanda [00:32:50]:
Yeah. I don't think they're as strong now as when we first started dating, but.

Anne [00:32:54]:
Okay. You need to start bench pressing your husband.

Amanda [00:32:56]:
You know what? So I didn't know that he was undercover jacked. Cause he didn't.

Anne [00:33:02]:
He kept his clothes on. He was never nudes.

Amanda [00:33:04]:
Never nudes.

Anne [00:33:04]:
He even never nudes. Make fun of him.

Amanda [00:33:07]:
Cause he really is a never nude.

Anne [00:33:08]:
Oh, my God.

Amanda [00:33:08]:
He is truly a never nude. I was, like, getting, like, completely naked in my, like, self tape room, and he was like, what are you doing?

Anne [00:33:14]:
What kind of self tape were you doing? No, I was changing.

Amanda [00:33:18]:
I was changing, okay. I was changing.

Anne [00:33:21]:
Not while the camera was off. Not while the camera was off. I don't do anything if there's not a camera.

Amanda [00:33:25]:
I'm an always nude.

Anne [00:33:28]:
Those are my hair, not. I'm always clothed.

Amanda [00:33:30]:
Right now, this is the most clothes I've ever worn.

Anne [00:33:32]:
Wow. Yeah. It's a cute jumpstart.

Amanda [00:33:33]:
It's a onesie.

Anne [00:33:34]:
It's a nice one. Yeah.

Amanda [00:33:36]:
But he is a full. Never knew, but I didn't know he was jacked. He's so jacked. He has, like, full six pack.

Anne [00:33:42]:
Does he work out or is he just like that?

Amanda [00:33:44]:
He works out constantly and also does crazy things for fun. He'll put weights on his back and then he'll do a 20 miles hike.

Anne [00:33:53]:
What?

Amanda [00:33:54]:
Yeah, or carrying a rock. It's crazy.

Anne [00:33:56]:
He just carries rocks around.

Amanda [00:33:57]:
He just carries stuff around? Yeah.

Anne [00:33:59]:
Has he been arrested?

Amanda [00:34:00]:
No, he's white. He's white. They're like, oh, okay.

Anne [00:34:06]:
You go ahead, sir. Oh, with that giant boulder, you go there. Yeah, it's fine. It's fine. Wait, but what is your wife doing?

Amanda [00:34:17]:
Is he a person who drinks or is he a sober person?

Amanda [00:34:20]:
He drinks like a normal.

Amanda [00:34:22]:
Both of our husbands, too.

Amanda [00:34:24]:
Drink that faster. It's. Why are you drinking one beer?

Amanda [00:34:28]:
How are you leaving?

Anne [00:34:29]:
Some of he, like, is in this.

Amanda [00:34:31]:
Group, like, they're so cute. They do, like, beer tastings, and then they have, like, beer school where they all get together and I've gone to this before, and they, like, just taste it. Like no one's drunk.

Amanda [00:34:44]:
Oh, right.

Amanda [00:34:45]:
No one is drunk.

Anne [00:34:46]:
They're just, like, sniffing it.

Amanda [00:34:47]:
They, like, taste it and they, like, take a little taste of this and.

Anne [00:34:49]:
A little taste of hops. Yeah.

Amanda [00:34:51]:
And then they, like, one of his birthdays got him a little, like, whiskey note taking. So he'll, like, have a little whiskey, and he'll, like, note.

Anne [00:34:58]:
He's a student.

Amanda [00:34:58]:
He's a student of note.

Anne [00:34:59]:
It.

Amanda [00:35:00]:
I'm like, I would just be like, yeah. I don't get it.

Anne [00:35:03]:
Okay.

Amanda [00:35:04]:
Yeah. I don't understand.

Amanda [00:35:05]:
I went to a party the other day. It was a wine party where everybody brings a bottle and they, like, cover up, and they just put a number on it. And then everyone's tasting all the wines and then writing down their, like, what they think of them and then what their favorite one is. But obviously, I don't drink, so I.

Anne [00:35:20]:
Just, like, don't drink that. Don't drink that the whole time. Yeah. Yes. I'm extremely judgmental at parties where it's a wine party, but I'm gonna poison. Poison.

Amanda [00:35:33]:
I brought a non alcoholic bottle of wine. So I poured myself kind of like, a big glass of fake wine, and everyone else was just drinking the tiniest bits.

Amanda [00:35:43]:
Cause they were tasting.

Anne [00:35:44]:
Right. Yeah.

Amanda [00:35:46]:
One person came over who didn't know I was sober, and he's like, rebecca, that is a lot of wine. We're supposed to taste, like, 30 wines. And I was like, oh, no, no. It's non alcoholic wine. I'm like, because this is how much wine I would be drinking if I was a drink.

Amanda [00:36:01]:
Ticket to Alan. On for you, sir.

Anne [00:36:03]:
Here you go. Was your na wine good?

Amanda [00:36:06]:
Yeah.

Anne [00:36:07]:
Really? Yeah. I haven't had one that I like. Maybe I just didn't like the taste of wine.

Amanda [00:36:11]:
I wasn't drinking wine for the taste.

Anne [00:36:13]:
Yeah, that's what I think it was.

Amanda [00:36:15]:
I said I was, but, yeah, I don't like it.

Amanda [00:36:18]:
Like how I liked wine, but to go there, it made me feel like I could survive that party by having.

Amanda [00:36:26]:
Being a part of it.

Amanda [00:36:27]:
By being a part of it. And it's like, yeah, I went to that store, soft spirits. It's in silver. It's, like, all non alcoholic stuff. And I got, like, a alcohol removed wine and. Yeah, I mean, I think it's probably not as good as non alcoholic beer is in terms of, like, maybe we can drink and enjoy it.

Anne [00:36:47]:
I can't.

Amanda [00:36:48]:
I like it.

Anne [00:36:49]:
I wasn't drinking beer for the taste either.

Amanda [00:36:51]:
I just am, like, this pointless. I'd rather be drinking, like, an energy drink or seltzer coffee.

Anne [00:36:58]:
Something different. Yeah.

Amanda [00:36:59]:
Yeah, I like it.

Anne [00:37:00]:
Coffee. A matcha matcha.

Amanda [00:37:01]:
Something that's gonna do something.

Anne [00:37:03]:
I do a regular coke now.

Amanda [00:37:05]:
Yeah. Let me get that sugar.

Anne [00:37:06]:
Let me get that rush. Yeah, we.

Amanda [00:37:08]:
I kind of like. I like having a. Like it as an option. Yeah, definitely.

Anne [00:37:12]:
Though.

Amanda [00:37:12]:
I used to drink. If I drank some beer, it would be five beers.

Anne [00:37:15]:
Yeah. Why?

Amanda [00:37:16]:
It's like, why one?

Amanda [00:37:17]:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But now with non alcoholic beer, you're like, oh, so if I want the taste, you could have one.

Anne [00:37:22]:
Yeah. Yeah. We used to always, like our vacation thing, my husband and I, we've been together a while. And how long have you guys been together? Oh, my gosh, I think 17 years. Oh, wow. Yeah. We would always get some sort of, like, fish and chips and, like, a beer. Like, it always, like, seems like going to the ocean.

Anne [00:37:43]:
Yeah. And so. But now there's so many places that have na. Beer, so I feel like I don't have to, like, miss out, you know? And I don't have to have five. Cause I'm never gonna order five any beers. Yeah.

Amanda [00:37:53]:
I also just think that, like, the missing out is interesting because I don't remember so much, and, like, why do I think that not doing that is missing out?

Amanda [00:38:03]:
I think it's the first drink that we're thinking of.

Amanda [00:38:06]:
Yeah.

Anne [00:38:06]:
The first.

Amanda [00:38:07]:
Maybe two or three, actually.

Anne [00:38:09]:
That's what I glamorize.

Amanda [00:38:10]:
So I glamorize that first. That making a cocktail. I glamorize that, like, first taste, the second drink maybe. You know what I mean?

Anne [00:38:20]:
Right.

Amanda [00:38:20]:
But then there's so many nights that, like, then devolve into, like, the next thing. The next thing.

Anne [00:38:23]:
Oh, a million.

Amanda [00:38:24]:
I don't remember, like, friends weddings or, like.

Anne [00:38:27]:
Yeah, it wasn't worth it.

Amanda [00:38:29]:
No.

Anne [00:38:29]:
And there's the whole next day, and.

Amanda [00:38:31]:
Everyone'S out at brunch, and you're by yourself in your hotel room.

Anne [00:38:34]:
Mommy's in the toilet again. Like, I used to throw up. Like. Yeah. I just, like, the kids would have, like, a soccer or basketball game, and I just would be throwing up. Yeah. Great, mom. You know? Yeah.

Amanda [00:38:43]:
And that's when you're, like, not everyone's doing that.

Anne [00:38:46]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:38:49]:
You know what I learned? Everyone blacks out.

Anne [00:38:53]:
Right? Yes. What?

Amanda [00:38:54]:
I know.

Amanda [00:38:54]:
I thought everyone blacked out.

Amanda [00:38:56]:
And, in fact, that used to give me solace, is to think, well, they don't remember it either. Oh, no, no.

Anne [00:38:59]:
They're not blacking out.

Amanda [00:39:01]:
Like, they can drink a lot, and then they still won't black out.

Anne [00:39:03]:
They remember. Yeah.

Amanda [00:39:04]:
And that. It's, like, a sign of alcoholism if you black out.

Anne [00:39:07]:
I know. Yeah. I mean, some of that.

Amanda [00:39:09]:
There was a questionnaire that I took probably, like, ten years ago, which, you know, when you're taking a questionnaire, am I an alcoholic? You probably are, yeah. But it was like, have you ever blacked out? Like, even just once?

Anne [00:39:21]:
Once.

Amanda [00:39:22]:
And literally, I blacked out. Not every time I drank, but nearly.

Anne [00:39:26]:
Oh, my God.

Amanda [00:39:27]:
Some people just don't.

Anne [00:39:28]:
I used to get the spins. Oh, yeah. All the time. And then I was like, oops, this is going to be a migraine, and I'm going to be working because that's the thing. She would get migraine. I would just get the terrible things. But, yeah, I was able to quit.

Amanda [00:39:40]:
Before the hangovers got really bad. You know, like, when you were still.

Anne [00:39:45]:
Young and, like, your body could process it. Yeah, yeah.

Amanda [00:39:48]:
I mean, it was bad, and I throw up all day, but it's not like the way I see people now who like it.

Amanda [00:39:55]:
And some people go into withdrawal or have literally alcoholic seizures.

Amanda [00:40:00]:
You know, I was, like, withdrawing from the Vicodin, actually.

Amanda [00:40:03]:
Now, were you doing that, like, really habitually?

Amanda [00:40:06]:
Yeah, but towards the end, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anne [00:40:09]:
Oh, my God.

Amanda [00:40:09]:
So you are coming down from all of that at the same time.

Anne [00:40:11]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:40:11]:
I mean, I like drugs, too.

Amanda [00:40:13]:
Right. You're like, I don't.

Amanda [00:40:17]:
To make me not feel the feeling that I'm feeling right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anne [00:40:21]:
It's uncomfortable. Yeah. Like, and that the Vicodin. Like, that is pain receptors. That's a lot.

Amanda [00:40:27]:
And I've noted, like, it's pain. It's, like, emotional pain, too. Like, it just numbs. It's like a fuzzy blanket over all of the pains.

Amanda [00:40:33]:
Okay.

Amanda [00:40:33]:
But then it's dumb because, like, if you take one Vicodin a day for a week, by the end of the week, you need more. And then if you don't take it, you feel pain that wasn't there before.

Anne [00:40:43]:
Yes.

Amanda [00:40:44]:
Yeah.

Anne [00:40:45]:
Oh, my God. Did you have to detox from that?

Amanda [00:40:50]:
I didn't do it in, like, a detox facility, but I felt sick for a while. Oh, God.

Amanda [00:40:56]:
I feel like that probably contributed to you not having a pink cloud, too. Cause it's, like, coming down. I feel I had the pink cloud because I was just so proud of myself that I quit.

Amanda [00:41:06]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:41:06]:
You know, but I only quit alcohol, but I still would allow myself to smoke pot for, like, over a year.

Amanda [00:41:16]:
What do they call that? California. So, yeah, yeah.

Amanda [00:41:18]:
And then I didn't quit that until, like, a month ago, smoking pot.

Amanda [00:41:23]:
So how do you feel this month?

Amanda [00:41:24]:
I feel, like, a little bit insane and changed.

Amanda [00:41:27]:
Totally.

Amanda [00:41:28]:
And I feel, like, constantly questioning, like, why am I doing any of this?

Anne [00:41:35]:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Amanda [00:41:36]:
And, like, being like, so that's how I felt.

Amanda [00:41:39]:
Yeah, that's how I felt.

Anne [00:41:40]:
Yeah. And the whole year.

Amanda [00:41:41]:
But, like, the first five years. No.

Anne [00:41:46]:
Until that moment.

Amanda [00:41:47]:
No, it does. It gets better.

Amanda [00:41:48]:
So once I get my cake in Vancouver, I'll be fine.

Anne [00:41:50]:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Amanda [00:41:51]:
Just wait five more years. Yeah, you're fine.

Amanda [00:41:54]:
It is good, though, when you see people who are really happy, who have a few years behind them, and you're like. Like, it makes me remember that we are early in this.

Anne [00:42:06]:
Yeah, we are very early in this.

Amanda [00:42:08]:
I feel like, oh, now it's been so long. Because it's over a year.

Anne [00:42:11]:
It's like, actually not even really over a year because I just a little baby, even.

Amanda [00:42:15]:
I'm just a little eleven year old.

Anne [00:42:17]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:42:18]:
There's some people with, like, you're about.

Anne [00:42:19]:
To go through puberty.

Amanda [00:42:20]:
I'm about to hit weird puberty, right?

Anne [00:42:22]:
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. Do you remember when you were drinking? Like, people would be like, oh, I've got a yoga class in the morning. And you're like, what time? And they would say, like, nine. Not even. Not even that early. And you'd be like, no, right.

Anne [00:42:36]:
09:00. No. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. You would lose so much of the day because so much of the night was involved partying. Totally. Yeah. Yeah.

Amanda [00:42:46]:
And I would schedule my life so that I like to accommodate my late nights, especially when I lived in New York. Like, we were out till four.

Amanda [00:42:54]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:42:54]:
So, like, if I had a 10:00 a.m., audition, I'd be like, fuck, instead.

Anne [00:42:58]:
Of not going out. Yeah, yeah. I'd be like, I'm gonna have no sleep.

Amanda [00:43:01]:
And my voice will be all sort.

Amanda [00:43:01]:
Of, oh, my God.

Anne [00:43:02]:
I remember.

Amanda [00:43:03]:
You just, like, triggered a memory for me, really, before auditioning for that drunk girl in numbers. I remember I was out with a friend the night before. I ran into my managers.

Amanda [00:43:13]:
Oh, my gosh.

Amanda [00:43:14]:
And they were like, go home.

Anne [00:43:15]:
You have an audition tomorrow.

Amanda [00:43:16]:
I was like, it's fine, drunk girl. And then I booked it, and I was like, see, guys?

Anne [00:43:22]:
Oh, man. Yeah. You're like, I'm going method. Yeah. Yeah.

Amanda [00:43:26]:
Until, like, five years later, they dropped me. They were like, girl, I was.

Anne [00:43:31]:
You got somebody better.

Amanda [00:43:33]:
And I pulled it together.

Anne [00:43:36]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:43:37]:
You made it all that.

Amanda [00:43:38]:
Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't have the career that I have now if I wasn't. If I wasn't sober.

Anne [00:43:43]:
Oh, that's so good. What do you do? What's, like a ritual? What's a pump up thing? Before you have, like, a big audition.

Amanda [00:43:48]:
Oh, man. It depends on the audition.

Anne [00:43:49]:
Okay. Got it. Yeah.

Amanda [00:43:50]:
Like, calm down. You're fine.

Anne [00:43:51]:
You're fine. You're okay. Yeah.

Amanda [00:43:53]:
It just depends on the audition, what it is now.

Anne [00:43:55]:
Like, it.

Amanda [00:43:55]:
It's less. At the beginning, I was like, I would have to call my sponsor before auditions. Cause I was like, I can't do this without it.

Amanda [00:44:01]:
It's just the anxiety and the.

Amanda [00:44:03]:
After the audition, like, what do I do?

Anne [00:44:05]:
What do I do with that? The replay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've stopped. I've pretty much not always. If I really eat it, like, I've eaten it in, like, major ways.

Amanda [00:44:16]:
Yeah.

Anne [00:44:16]:
Like, in a callback. I mean, so have a.

Amanda [00:44:18]:
We all have.

Anne [00:44:19]:
No, no, no. Okay. I slated my name and farted, like, really loud. It's a rite of passage.

Amanda [00:44:25]:
No, I walked in. Listen, I'm not even surprised by that. Like, I've done shit like that, too.

Anne [00:44:31]:
Okay. Yeah, I had one of those fiber one bars beforehand. Don't eat those.

Amanda [00:44:34]:
Don't eat those.

Anne [00:44:35]:
Don't fucking eat those.

Amanda [00:44:36]:
There's a podcast called that one audition.

Anne [00:44:39]:
Oh, yeah.

Amanda [00:44:39]:
That got started because the person who started it was in an audition in a bikini and, like, had to be running and farted in a group audition and then was, like, blamed someone else.

Anne [00:44:53]:
What?

Amanda [00:44:54]:
I took a bow.

Anne [00:44:55]:
Cause it had to be me. It was like, in the second, I took a bow. Are you really. I got that commercial. I just picked this again up right now. Yeah, of course you did.

Amanda [00:45:07]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:45:08]:
How would you not get that?

Anne [00:45:09]:
Yeah. You got it? Yeah.

Amanda [00:45:10]:
Yeah.

Anne [00:45:11]:
Wow. That's a don't eat fiber one, but, like. No, no.

Amanda [00:45:14]:
I mean, don't eat fiber.

Anne [00:45:14]:
I should be eating farting.

Amanda [00:45:16]:
That is a fiber one commercial, right. That we just did, sponsored by fiber one.

Amanda [00:45:22]:
Get a commercial.

Amanda [00:45:23]:
Get the commercial. You could buy so many fiber one bars without money.

Anne [00:45:26]:
Oh, my God. Never again. Never again. Yeah. I once tripped and crashed into the computer, which was holding the auditions for a commercial thing, and they lost it. They found it in the cloud later, but it backed up the callback an hour, and then they have to.

Amanda [00:45:41]:
Did you book that one, too?

Anne [00:45:42]:
No, I definitely didn't, because I really fucked them up.

Amanda [00:45:44]:
I tripped in a pencil skirt, busted open my knee, and then I was running late, and then I walked into the audition, and through the whole audition, I noticed that, like, blood was coming down my leg. I didn't get it. Oh, no.

Anne [00:45:57]:
But I thought I did that.

Amanda [00:45:58]:
But I booked that show later. Same show. It's for modern family. What I walked in there, I was, like, auditioning to be, like, a flight attendant, and then the blood was coming down. I was like, they're never gonna call me back. Cause I was distracted by it too.

Anne [00:46:12]:
Oh, of course. Yeah. And then.

Amanda [00:46:13]:
But then, like, two or three years.

Amanda [00:46:14]:
Later, you got it.

Amanda [00:46:16]:
Ten avails later.

Anne [00:46:18]:
Clean knees.

Amanda [00:46:19]:
Yeah.

Anne [00:46:20]:
Oh, that's what they say on that show. You needed clean knees.

Amanda [00:46:22]:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, only. And that's how my niece did it.

Anne [00:46:27]:
Yeah. Had to heal. And then you had to be a runner.

Amanda [00:46:31]:
Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Anne [00:46:32]:
Once you were a runner, they're like, yeah.

Amanda [00:46:33]:
You never tripped again.

Anne [00:46:34]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:46:35]:
But, no, we've all eaten it in auditions.

Anne [00:46:37]:
Yeah.

Amanda [00:46:38]:
But it's hard not to beat yourself up for it or say that.

Amanda [00:46:41]:
My sponsor would say when I call her before the auditions is like, listen, your higher power is your employer. Just go and do the best. Pray to go in, like, not alone, with whatever higher power there is. And in the beginning, I, like, couldn't even call my higher power God.

Anne [00:46:57]:
Mm hmm.

Amanda [00:46:57]:
She'd be like, God is your employer. I'd be like, fuck that.

Anne [00:47:01]:
It's like your son. Yeah.

Amanda [00:47:10]:
So that helped.

Anne [00:47:11]:
That's really cool.

Amanda [00:47:11]:
And just be like, listen, I'm here to be of service. If my service can help you. I'm a joy on set. Like, I'm like, you're not gonna regret giving me the job if I'm right for it, great, because, like, I'll show up prepared, on time, sober, not hungover.

Anne [00:47:30]:
You hear this Hollywood hire amanda.

Amanda [00:47:32]:
I won't be hungover, but she's a delight on set.

Anne [00:47:36]:
You're a delighted person.

Amanda [00:47:38]:
But, like, to know that I can, like, offer, that I can show up, and I, like, know that I'm gonna offer my full self, and I know that, like, I'm not gonna be difficult. I'm not gonna be a diva. So, like, that's what I can do. And if I'm right for it, I'm right for it.

Anne [00:47:51]:
That's right.

Amanda [00:47:52]:
And if I'm not, like, there's nothing I can do to make myself right for it.

Amanda [00:47:55]:
And being a nervous wreck afterwards, that certainly doesn't work.

Amanda [00:47:59]:
Sometimes I am, but I don't know. This week, I like to pick takes. I had three self tapes three days in a row that I could have done in one day, but very different looks. And I was picking takes, and I was getting crazy about it, and so I finally just sent them to a friend. I was like. Like, I am being insane. I feel like I'm pmsing. I'm not, but I feel exactly how I do.

Amanda [00:48:20]:
And I don't know what's going on hormonally or emotionally, but I need you to tell me which one to send because I'm losing it. It's like the middle of the night.

Anne [00:48:29]:
It's so good. You wanna ask for help, right? That's who I ask.

Amanda [00:48:33]:
Friends who have what I want. Right? So I asked the friend that booked the commercial that I went out for last week. So I was like, hey, you know. You know, here.

Anne [00:48:41]:
Which one? Which one?

Amanda [00:48:43]:
Yeah. Also, when I have friends who have wins, that's hard to not be comparing yourself to them. But then I'm like, that's great. I'm surrounded by people who are in it with me, so help. I know I'm losing it.

Amanda [00:48:58]:
What should I wear?

Amanda [00:49:00]:
Yeah, the wearing what to wear and stuff. If none of your friends are killing it, then who are you gonna ask, right? They don't know.

Anne [00:49:06]:
So don't have loser friends is another.

Amanda [00:49:10]:
They do say you are the people you hang out with. Right? The conjoint of the. The five people you hang out with the most.

Anne [00:49:16]:
Yes, that's true.

Amanda [00:49:16]:
They do say that. So, yeah. So don't have loser friends.

Amanda [00:49:23]:
This is.

Anne [00:49:24]:
On that note, it was delightful talking to you.

Amanda [00:49:29]:
It was so nice to meet you.

Anne [00:49:30]:
Thank you, guys. Yeah.

Amanda [00:49:31]:
Thank you so much for doing this.

Amanda [00:49:32]:
Yeah, this was fun. It feels like meeting.

Anne [00:49:34]:
Oh, yeah.