Beth Lapides

The Non Drinking Buddies talk to alt comedy icon Beth Lapides about how 3 years crying, 12 Steps and 13 years of sobriety have made her the creative force of nature she is today.

Beth's website: https://www.bethlapides.com/

Beth's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/beth_lapides/

Phony Negronis: https://stagrestis.com/products/phony-negroni

Instagram: @nondrinkingbuddies
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0_Z_CJZ3USL7EK6pQ09huQ

Transcript

Beth [00:00:00]:
Finally, one day I did pick up the phone when my mom called and she started, you know, it's been a long time. She's like, how's the marriage separating? I think maybe divorce. How's the house? I don't know. It's underwater. Maybe Airbnb. We might foreclose. Maybe we'll sell. I don't know what's happening with Nisha's show.

Beth [00:00:17]:
I think it's closing. What about finances? Maybe bankruptcy.

Rebekka [00:00:23]:
Oh, God.

Beth [00:00:24]:
And, you know, and then there's, like, total silence. And I said, well, mom, as long as we're talking, I may as well tell you I quit drinking. She said, now, with everything going on.

Anne [00:00:37]:
She'S judging that more than anything else.

Beth [00:00:40]:
Do you think this is really the best time for that?

Anne [00:00:55]:
Hi.

Rebekka [00:00:56]:
Welcome to non drinking buddies when we're on Zoom.

Anne [00:01:01]:
I know. I'm Ann Gregory.

Rebekka [00:01:03]:
And I'm Rebecca Johnson. And this is the show where we talk to teetotaling guests about how they find the fun in a booze free life.

Anne [00:01:10]:
And today we have, like, an alt comedy icon, the star, the creator of Uncabore. She's an author, and she's also a.

Rebekka [00:01:20]:
Creative coach and a singer and an actress, comedian.

Rebekka [00:01:26]:
And it has an iconic role on Sex and the city. Let's talk to Beth Lepidus. Hi, Beth. Thank you so much for meeting with us. Finally.

Beth [00:01:43]:
Finally.

Anne [00:01:44]:
I am sorry. We've been going back and forward, and Beth is so busy with your show, with your coaching, with your writing, and. Thank you. We appreciate it.

Rebekka [00:01:57]:
I think you were a guest on our friend's podcast, the alarmist. Oh, yeah.

Beth [00:02:02]:
That was fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rebekka [00:02:04]:
So my friend Rebecca recommended that we had you on. She said you were such a great guest on show.

Beth [00:02:11]:
Yeah, yeah.

Anne [00:02:13]:
Thank you so much for doing this.

Beth [00:02:15]:
Well, I'm so happy to talk to my sisters in sobriety.

Rebekka [00:02:19]:
Yeah. So when did you make the choice to ditch the booze?

Beth [00:02:25]:
I'm in my 13th year. It's my sober boss misbehav this year.

Anne [00:02:31]:
You're a woman.

Rebekka [00:02:35]:
By the way. It's just so creepy that, like, back in the day, you consider a 13 year old a woman.

Beth [00:02:41]:
Ew.

Rebekka [00:02:42]:
But, yes, your sobriety is a woman in ancient eyes.

Beth [00:02:46]:
In ancient times, yes. Well, I like the idea of 13. You know, it's an interesting idea, this, you know, passage into adulthood and how long it takes. And really, the 13 year old is like, I don't know what it was in the olden times, but, you know, as this sort of demarcation into an attempt to grow up like, everything is so gradual, you know, there's obviously never a day. Oh, how awful is that? You get your period, and then they're like, you're a woman, you know?

Rebekka [00:03:20]:
Oh, God, I'm not ready.

Beth [00:03:24]:
And so I think it's interesting, the process. And, you know, it is one thing I do love about program. You know, the steps do indicate that. That it isn't. Things don't happen, like, all at once, you know, process of maturity and a process of growing up and a process of being sober. Anyway, so I do. Like, I wish I had an actual bat mitzvah, but.

Rebekka [00:03:55]:
We'Ll bring gifts.

Anne [00:03:56]:
Yeah.

Rebekka [00:03:57]:
In denominations of $17, right? Am I making that up? 18. Sorry. Jesus.

Beth [00:04:03]:
Oh, my gosh. Oh, boy.

Anne [00:04:05]:
How embarrassing for you, Anne.

Rebekka [00:04:07]:
I'm so sorry.

Beth [00:04:08]:
It's easy to remember when you think of 18. The number itself is one, which is the sort of principle of, you know, individuation and oneness and, you know.

Rebekka [00:04:20]:
Yeah.

Beth [00:04:21]:
Eight, which is infinity. And almonds. Oh, I love that you actually see the 18 and the like. For instance, a mala or a rosary. They have 108 beads. There's 108 so many places in. In math and in science and the universe. It appears everywhere.

Beth [00:04:47]:
And so once you realize that 18 is a piece of 108, it's very easy to remember forever.

Rebekka [00:04:52]:
Okay, now I will. I will. Sorry. Sorry. To my jewish cousins.

Anne [00:05:00]:
So, obviously, you're in program. Did you start that right away when you decided to give up drinking?

Beth [00:05:08]:
I started program before I decided to give up.

Rebekka [00:05:13]:
You're, like, testing the waters. You're like, let me hang out with these people and see if it didn't.

Beth [00:05:18]:
Occur to me to quit drinking. It did occur to me to stop smoking pot on my own. Well, not really on my own. Okay, so my story is this. I was at a. Do you know who Louise Hay is? She's, like a big publishing.

Anne [00:05:36]:
Oh, yes.

Beth [00:05:37]:
Empire of self help. Spiritual. Very important person in that she created this publishing empire around this idea of spiritual healing and around the AIDS crisis. And they were called, like, hayrides. And you heal your body, heal your mind. And your body and your mind are connected, all that. So she has this whole empire, and they do these giant conventions with speakers and authors. And.

Beth [00:06:07]:
Anyway, I went as a correspondent for radio show to cover it. And you talk to all the authors, and I. That was all fine, but I always had drawn my woo line at angels, and I had to interview this angel healer.

Rebekka [00:06:25]:
Okay, that's so funny. That's totally my. That's, like, one of my lines. Too. So I get it. I get it.

Beth [00:06:30]:
Yeah. That's like, if they're so great, why are there some so much bad angel art? Okay, anyway.

Anne [00:06:39]:
That'S how you gauge.

Beth [00:06:43]:
Obviously.

Rebekka [00:06:44]:
I mean, if that's the same thing, we would do dolphins like the Thomas Kincaid dolphins, you know what I mean? Like, but I'm gonna like dolphins.

Anne [00:06:50]:
But I do have my dolphins. I have my dolphins around me at all times. Okay. No, I'm just kidding.

Beth [00:06:56]:
Yeah.

Anne [00:06:56]:
They're just always swimming through my life. No, I'm just kidding.

Rebekka [00:06:59]:
No, no, sorry. Back to your angels.

Beth [00:07:01]:
I don't care.

Anne [00:07:03]:
Yes, we'd love to hear about.

Rebekka [00:07:04]:
So you had an angel.

Beth [00:07:06]:
She said, you know, it's very hard to explain it. Why don't I just do it on you? And I was like, oh, yeah, all right, sure. And then she was like, you know, your angels want me to tell you no dairy. I was like, your angels want me to tell you. And then she said, your angels want me to tell you no, no smoking. And I said, anything? And she said, no, nothing. And I said, hmm, can I drink? The sign of a true alcoholic asking you even asked.

Anne [00:07:34]:
You don't even believe it. You're like, can I drink?

Beth [00:07:37]:
You know, yes, your angels say, you can drink. And I thought that gave the angels more credibility because they weren't against partying, per se. And so I sort of took it really seriously.

Anne [00:07:48]:
Okay.

Beth [00:07:49]:
And I did try, and then, and then I wouldn't have, then there's a whole long other part of the story where they did actually had, had this back pain and it was healed in this angel healing. So, you know, I have this very giant shift of, like, if it's going to be between pain and angels, I'll pick angels.

Anne [00:08:12]:
Line pushed.

Beth [00:08:14]:
But that is always how we change. I mean, every story, it's like, it's too much pain. It's like when the pain becomes unbearable and the only thing you change, then.

Rebekka [00:08:23]:
You change when you're in discomfort enough to, like, be like, now I have to change.

Anne [00:08:27]:
What is it? The gift of desperation.

Beth [00:08:30]:
I love the gift of desperation. Oh, my God. That's one of my favorites. Um, so I did quit smoking pot at that point. Okay. But I mean, I try, you know, I, in and out, but just for six months. And then it was like, okay, that's really it. And once that happened, then I sort of had been hanging around a new person who, I admit, I did have a bit of a crush on.

Beth [00:08:55]:
And he suggested I come with him to sober yoga.

Anne [00:09:00]:
Oh, I love that idea.

Rebekka [00:09:01]:
I love that. Also, as a juxtaposition to, like, drunk yoga, which.

Anne [00:09:05]:
Yeah, like, most people are drinking during.

Beth [00:09:06]:
It, but sure, yeah, exactly. Have you ever been? It's amazing. Oh, no.

Rebekka [00:09:12]:
Where is it?

Beth [00:09:13]:
I don't know where it is now. It's called 11th step yoga because, you know, prayer and meditation, and it's amazing because they do, you know, you look at your arm behind you, and then it's like, we learn to not regret our past. All the principles are kind of interwoven, and then at the end, it's really great. I love that. But I had a pretty rigorous yoga practice at the time, and this person was like, yeah. You know, I was like, it really does sound like a meeting. And he's like, it's not a meeting. It's just yoga at your favorite place and it's free.

Beth [00:09:51]:
And I was like, oh, well, if it's free. And then I walked in and it wasn't, you know, and they handed me a piece of paper and it was the keys to the kingdom. And I was like, what? And then we go through the class, and it's like, you know, and you can see it's going to be over before it's supposed to be over. And then we're in a circle anyway, and I'm reading the keys to the kingdom. And at that time, I was doing. We had just written the change song, which is the song that I've been singing for 13 years now. You know, change makes us so unhappy, but we have to change to be happy. Opens up all the encabare shows, and it's in my new show.

Beth [00:10:26]:
It's a lot. And it's like a very Anthony show song for me. And we had just written this song, and. And then when I heard the serenity prayer, I was like, that is like, kind of exactly a song. And there's all this stuff in program that had been. It was in material I was doing and stories I was telling. I was like, this is so me. I was like, I'm not an alcoholic, but, like, I really like these people.

Beth [00:10:54]:
And then afterwards, I said to him, and, you know, was that in. Was that a intervention? He said, I don't know. Was it?

Anne [00:11:04]:
Why do you think so?

Beth [00:11:07]:
And then I basically, I was like, well, I don't know. I mean, I guess if you need me to be, you know, sober, to hang around, you know, and it seems so easy. I was like, oh, sure, whatever. And then, like a month later, I was holding a drink, and then I was like, oh, yeah, like that. That's how I was. I was like, yes. Then I had a pink cloud and then one day I was holding a glass and about to like, I don't know, it was my, I was a 05:00 drinker and it was time.

Rebekka [00:11:35]:
Me too.

Beth [00:11:36]:
Yeah. I wasn't like. And so I just was a, was I going to get put water? There's still some booze in the house. And I was about to pour glass and I could just see how this glass, and I really, really, really wanted a drink. And I could see how this glass, it was so literal. It was like this glass was literally between me and everything else.

Anne [00:12:01]:
Wow.

Beth [00:12:01]:
And I just was like, I want this so badly that I don't think I can even figure out what else I want that's like behind this glass. I don't even know if I should. So much confusion about wanting and what I could want and what I shouldn't want and wanting things and wanting this drink. And that was when. So it was about a month in and I had gone to a couple meetings and you know, sort of with as a plus one, I decided to stop drinking and was going to meetings as a plus one before I made the decision. And I would say I stopped drinking about a month before I made the decision.

Anne [00:12:43]:
Yeah.

Beth [00:12:43]:
It had never occurred to me to try even before then. And once I did try, I decided on that day with that drink, then the wanting stuff, I decided, oh, sorry about that. I decided, you'll edit that out in post. A stray noise. I was like, what was I saying?

Rebekka [00:13:09]:
Oh, oh, after, after you looked at.

Anne [00:13:13]:
The drink and you were like, this is between me.

Rebekka [00:13:15]:
Oh, yeah.

Beth [00:13:16]:
I was like, oh, I'll get reading for a year. That's what I decided.

Rebekka [00:13:19]:
Oh, like it wasn't, you know. Yeah, okay. And then that year just extended.

Beth [00:13:24]:
And in that year I had this image of myself crossing a, you know, a river, like whitewater river. And sometimes I would be slipping and sometimes I would, you know, slipping. Haha. And sometimes I would be drowning and sometimes I'd be walking really easily or swimming. Somehow. I would shut my eyes and I always saw myself doing, I don't know where it very given image, I didn't think of it. And then at the end, the final year, and I did get to the other side and then I looked around and the landscape was like completely different. It was like Technicolor and neon and it was really like a Wizard of Oz moment.

Beth [00:14:08]:
It was like gone from black and white to color. I had no idea how to navigate this new landscape. I had no idea what it was like. I mean, like, on the day of my, you know, first birthday, I was like, oh, obviously, this is the rest of my life. But I really did think at the beginning, like, you know, I'll get a year.

Anne [00:14:29]:
Yeah, it's great. I feel like it's like, whatever gets you there, because, like, we all have different ways that kind of, we can, because we bargained with ourselves so much when we're drinking. Right. Like, I'm not going to drink until after this time, or I'm not going to drink. I'm going to drink every other day except for the day that I have something bad or good happen. Then I could break that rule or whatever it is. Right?

Beth [00:14:51]:
Yeah.

Anne [00:14:52]:
And so then if we have to do a little tricky bargain to get ourselves to stop drinking, like, eventually, you know, either we get clear and stick to it, or it did. The bargain didn't work and you go back.

Beth [00:15:06]:
I mean, I'm so, you know, relapse isn't part of my story. I have to say, I was not that young the first time, and I did hear in the rooms, people say, I heard one person say, every time you come back, it's harder.

Anne [00:15:23]:
Harder.

Rebekka [00:15:23]:
Oh, really? Okay.

Beth [00:15:25]:
I don't even have it. I barely have it in me to do it this first time.

Anne [00:15:30]:
Yeah.

Beth [00:15:31]:
I was like, if it's a harder the second time, I don't know if I'll live through it. Yeah.

Rebekka [00:15:37]:
Yeah.

Anne [00:15:37]:
That's kind of what I've heard, too. And just that I've heard from friends who've had. Had relapses, and then they're like, oh, I thought, well, I could just go back. And then two years went by and then, you know, and so. And then, yeah, I feel like that story comes up a lot, and so it does kind of keep you sober because I'm like, I already did this. And, yeah, we're in our forties. Like, except for Anne, who's 21, but.

Rebekka [00:16:04]:
Other than that, plus 22.

Anne [00:16:06]:
Yeah, but, yeah, it's like, I don't want to waste any more time.

Beth [00:16:11]:
Yeah. Like, even if you think, you know, oh, you know, I, you know, honestly, I have heard people who have gone out and actually been fine, like, they had, did recovery. There are those stories. And then you just think it's a risk, you know, it's a bad lottery.

Anne [00:16:31]:
It'S a russian roulette.

Rebekka [00:16:32]:
It's like, yeah, and that could work for them. And then I. Yeah, I. That couldn't work for me, you know, going back to it. I don't want to feel that way again. What it did to my life, you know, the hangovers, the anxiety. I don't want that again.

Beth [00:16:49]:
Yeah.

Rebekka [00:16:49]:
Yeah.

Beth [00:16:50]:
I mean, you know, if you ever just think about the second drink, it often will. Yeah. It's never the first drink. So.

Rebekka [00:17:00]:
Yeah.

Beth [00:17:00]:
I've only really had one bout with wanting to relapse. I did have one really bad bout with wanting to relapse. It was after, on Cab's 25th anniversary, which had been such a big show, and it was huge. It was sort of like a wedding size event, and I ended up. But it was not a money making event. And I was so exhausted and so broke afterwards, and I was so tired, and I was in New York for the holidays, and there's all those little cafes when you walk village and everybody is just so. It looks. I mean, I just was like, going to meetings like crazy.

Beth [00:17:39]:
And YouTube is also filled with amazing. If you ever need, like, anything right now, or Zoom meetings, too. There are so many amazing speakers on YouTube all the time, you know?

Rebekka [00:17:52]:
Yeah.

Anne [00:17:52]:
Yeah. That's good to know. I've done podcasts when I need a meeting. Like there's outside of. Obviously we have this podcast, but there's some really good aa speakers on podcasts. Like, you could just Google Spotify, like AA. Or Google, like, sober.

Beth [00:18:09]:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anne [00:18:10]:
And there are some just like speakers. I mean, some are from like, literally 1965 and some are recent. And it's funny how, like the ones from, you know, a certain. There's some that are like, you know, just the era of. It sounds so old fashioned. Much like in the big book where the language is like, I don't wanna be a Sally or whatever.

Rebekka [00:18:34]:
Language, Rebecca language.

Anne [00:18:37]:
But you know, what's so interesting about.

Beth [00:18:39]:
The big book that I never hear anybody talking about is it's a book about. I mean, it's essentially a war after war, recovery after war. These guys were, you know, it was like soldiers.

Rebekka [00:18:51]:
PTSD.

Beth [00:18:52]:
Yeah. And so I really think, you know, metaphorically, that the idea that we're coming in from a war with ourselves, and once I started. Started to see it that way, and it wasn't just old fashioned guys, and it was so many guys and so many guys for the lives, you know? And once I started seeing it as that and almost like a poem about that, I was really more able to read. But yeah, a podcast, that's a great tip. And YouTube. And also, I love that on YouTube and probably in podcasts, too. Now that you say that, you can also listen in on other programs, which. How many programs.

Beth [00:19:34]:
Can you really work? Do you really want sponsors? How many meetings? You know, it's a lot of.

Rebekka [00:19:38]:
I'm working another program right now.

Beth [00:19:40]:
You are?

Rebekka [00:19:41]:
Yeah, I'm working coda because I was like, oh, a lot of my drinking is codependency. Interesting. Okay, cool. Let's unpack this. So, like, it's just the next little onion layer to, like, you know, help.

Beth [00:19:52]:
Yeah.

Rebekka [00:19:52]:
And it's been great. It's been really great.

Beth [00:19:54]:
Oh, that's amazing.

Rebekka [00:19:55]:
Yeah.

Beth [00:19:56]:
I listened to a lot of Ellen on meeting stuff, but in the end, I always feel like I'm the qualifier.

Anne [00:20:03]:
Yeah.

Beth [00:20:04]:
Even though I feel like I do in the end, I think every aa person, you know, ultimately, you earn a relationship with yourself, and you're an alcoholic, so ultimately, you do become. You are a double winner, you know, when it comes right down to it. Every single alcoholic.

Rebekka [00:20:21]:
Yeah.

Anne [00:20:23]:
Oh, Anne, go.

Rebekka [00:20:24]:
Oh, no. I was going to say, because you were performing all the time, did you used to have a glass of wine or a shot before you went on stage?

Beth [00:20:33]:
I did used to have a drink before I went on stage. I really studied what it. You know, I really worked on the right drink for it to be. That could be, for a singer, a little relaxing. But I was still sober, but, you know, very. It was extremely prescriptive, and I ended up with Campari on the rocks with. Yeah, some version of Campari and. But, you know, enough Campari.

Beth [00:21:05]:
And, in fact, there's a wall of Campari bottles near my hairdresser, and I'm like, oh, my God. It's, like, so crazy for me to look at that. So when I look back at old stuff, I mean, by the end of the night, I can hear it in my voice. At the beginning, I think. I don't. I don't. I wasn't. Because I was hosting, and I was mostly on cabin all nights.

Beth [00:21:32]:
Yeah. So I didn't have. It was.

Rebekka [00:21:36]:
Yeah.

Beth [00:21:36]:
I didn't have any rules about don't drink on a performance night. God, I wish. Bad.

Anne [00:21:41]:
But how did you feel when you switched? Yeah. Like, when you switched to not drinking and performing, how was that transition for you?

Beth [00:21:50]:
When I first switched, I was in the middle. I was on hiatus from Uncab and was doing my show 100% happy 88% of the time, and it felt better and that I wasn't actually drinking before I would get on stage because, well, sometimes, not always. I mean, I wouldn't bring booze with me, you know. Right.

Rebekka [00:22:10]:
If it was there, it's a venue.

Anne [00:22:13]:
If it was a free trigger.

Beth [00:22:14]:
Yeah, I wouldn't, but if it was at a club, I would. And. But I was also starting to sing. And then my, you know, this person, you know, who. Who brought me this over here, also was, like, pushing drinks away and saying, that's not. So. It was like, a gradual. And so when I went back to Uncab, which is really more.

Beth [00:22:38]:
And that was a written show and more of a theater, you know, um, so it wasn't as clear what the difference was. I was more able to focus, I think. I don't know. I don't know even know if I can't say for sure. With Uncap, it was definitely different because that was so much about, like, quote unquote, having fun and being in the moment and playing around and doing new stuff. And also I was hosting. And also my story is that at the same time as getting sober, I also was divorcing and lost a house and had nowhere to live. I mean, just places to live.

Beth [00:23:19]:
But I moved 18 times in two years.

Anne [00:23:21]:
Oh, my God.

Beth [00:23:22]:
What? Also bankruptcy. And so it was really. I had a. I had it all. I had it all.

Anne [00:23:30]:
And you didn't drink through that.

Beth [00:23:32]:
What?

Rebekka [00:23:32]:
That's remarkable.

Beth [00:23:34]:
Well, I know people are like, and I ended up getting divorced. You know, it was a breakup. I mean, the whole thing happened at once, and it all, you know, it was like I had my bottom sober. Like, I was, like, holding it together while it was, like, the booze was kind of holding it all together, and I took. Yeah. And it's just everything had to change. It was one of those just, like, giant life revolutions. And, I mean, they're the funniest way to say it is I've been avoiding my parents because my parents are as many of our parents are.

Beth [00:24:12]:
You know, they just wanted everything to be fine. And the only way you knew how bad things were in my family was by the octave of the fine. It was like, fine, it's fine. Everything was fine. And I couldn't really lie about it anymore, and I didn't know what to say. And everything was really getting worse and worse. And finally one day, I did pick up the phone when my mom called and she started, you know, it's been a long time. She's like, how's the marriage separating? I think maybe divorce.

Beth [00:24:45]:
How's the house? I don't know. It's underwater. Maybe Airbnb. We might foreclose. Maybe we'll sell. I don't know what's happening with show. I think it's closing. What about finances? Maybe bankruptcy.

Rebekka [00:24:59]:
Oh, God.

Beth [00:25:01]:
And then there's, like, total silence. And I said, well, mom, as long as we're talking, I may as well tell you I quit drinking. She said, now with everything going on.

Rebekka [00:25:14]:
She'S judging that more than anything else.

Beth [00:25:17]:
Do you think this is really the best time for that?

Anne [00:25:19]:
Yeah.

Beth [00:25:20]:
And, you know, that was really. And that really just hit home so hard, because also my dad. I don't know. I don't. Whatever it is, she definitely likes everyone else. Wanted everyone else to be evened out, you know?

Rebekka [00:25:38]:
And, um, that's what the drinking does, though. It's like, the numbing they talk about. People go through breakups, divorces after quitting, because you were talking about that glass and the rest of your life and making the choice. Like, there's. There's this clarity that you get.

Beth [00:25:55]:
Yeah.

Rebekka [00:25:55]:
That I'm unhappy. And it's not that I'm an unhappy person. I'm really unhappy with that situation, you know?

Beth [00:26:01]:
Yeah.

Rebekka [00:26:01]:
And it's really, um. It's something that I didn't know about before quitting, that it's not all because you get that pink haze and you're like, everything's great, and, oh, my God, I lost five pounds. Like, stupid stuff like that.

Beth [00:26:13]:
Oh, my God, I lost so much weight when I could. It was the greatest thing.

Rebekka [00:26:17]:
It was the greatest thing. And then I discovered sugar.

Beth [00:26:19]:
Yes.

Anne [00:26:21]:
I gained weight because I'll eat like, sweets, like a crazy person. So that's another thing. That's a problem for another day. But at the same time, I'm like, everybody's like, I lost weight, and I'm like, I can. Thank you. Can't replace, like, five glasses of wine with a pint of ice cream every night. But you know better than.

Rebekka [00:26:41]:
You're doing great. You look great, Rebecca.

Anne [00:26:43]:
I'm drinking.

Beth [00:26:44]:
It is better than drinking.

Rebekka [00:26:46]:
It is better. My blood work was better. I eat way more sugar, and my blood works better. So. I mean.

Anne [00:26:51]:
Cause alcohol was sugar.

Rebekka [00:26:52]:
It was sugar. But it's all the other bad stuff. Yeah.

Anne [00:26:55]:
Yeah. And I'd be on a diet, and if I was on weight watchers, I would give myself enough points for my wine.

Beth [00:27:00]:
Oh.

Anne [00:27:01]:
I eat, like, one sandwich so that I could drink as much as I wanted. Like, psycho.

Rebekka [00:27:06]:
Oh, yeah. Or, like, it's got to be just the. Just the booze. No mixers. Remember that?

Anne [00:27:11]:
Yeah.

Rebekka [00:27:11]:
Just.

Beth [00:27:13]:
Only a vodka.

Rebekka [00:27:14]:
Yeah.

Beth [00:27:15]:
That's the, you know, most diet, friendly, healthy.

Anne [00:27:18]:
That's the most healthy.

Rebekka [00:27:19]:
No, it's not friendly. Vodka's not friendly. What are you talking about?

Beth [00:27:23]:
I was on one diet that was, like, literally grapefruit, hard boiled eggs, and vodka. I mean, that was like.

Anne [00:27:32]:
Oh, God.

Rebekka [00:27:33]:
Oh, my God. At least you had good vitamin c. Yeah, and protein.

Beth [00:27:38]:
And protein and vitamin vodka.

Anne [00:27:41]:
Thank God they left that in there. That's how you got through, because you're.

Rebekka [00:27:43]:
Like, well, so how did you get through that year, other than meetings? Like, what were some coping techniques with the knot? So you continued to not drink?

Beth [00:27:52]:
I'll include the answer to your last question with this, because then on cabaret did, it was really a miracle because I had stopped on cabaret, and then we got this opportunity to do a show at a venue that we went down to pitch what the show would be, and nothing was quite sticking. And then Mitch said, you know, why don't we do on cabaret? And I was like, oh, God, that show's just dead to me. I can't do that show anymore. And he was like, oh, everybody loves it. We'll do. Let's just do one for your birthday, and, you know, and we'll do together. We'll have live music. It'll be so much fun.

Beth [00:28:27]:
I was like, we literally couldn't. There was not anything else sticking, and so the venue hired us to do that, and that was kind of a miracle. A miracle of sobriety, as I like to say. And I walked outside. Okay, I have to back up for 1 second. My sponsor had given me a card at my nine months that I was about to go on the road on tour, sober, with the. Oh, it was so hard. You know, it was just like, there were so many particulars that made.

Beth [00:28:56]:
Anyway, and she gave me this card that was a street, like a crossroads. Hope one way. And I said to her, you know, I don't believe in hope. Hope is about the future, and I'm a yogi and now. And hope is the hope that'll kill you. She was like, oh, my God, I'm out. You know, whatever. I love you, and here's a card, and I'm so proud of you for nine months.

Beth [00:29:23]:
So everywhere I moved in that time of moving around, I kept this little card next to me. I was on the road. I moved here, there. Hope one way. Then we get this gig, and we walk outside, and I look up, and I see that the venue is on the corner of first and hope.

Rebekka [00:29:40]:
Wow.

Anne [00:29:41]:
Oh, wow. Downtown.

Beth [00:29:43]:
Yeah.

Anne [00:29:43]:
Oh, my God.

Rebekka [00:29:44]:
It was just a literal message. It was never about hope as an idea.

Beth [00:29:49]:
It was literally. This is.

Rebekka [00:29:50]:
Yeah.

Beth [00:29:51]:
Yes. And then I look up, and I see the venue was called first in hope.

Anne [00:29:54]:
First in hope. I know that place.

Beth [00:29:56]:
Yeah. And now it's called oloc. So we were there. So that was the venue and that we brought on cabaret back. And so one of my mechanisms, and this answer is, what was it like to perform? And some of the tools was I was producing this show every Sunday. Hadn't, you know, I'd been producing it with the partner that I was divorcing. And so I really took over the producing, and it was, it was very suit up and show up. I mean, I was really learning to have to grow up and be the producer and be, you know, couldn't be the, like, just, I'm just the talent, you know, I had to be, like, so responsible for everything.

Beth [00:30:31]:
And in a way, it became a meeting. There were a lot of so sober people came to the show, and it wasn't a meeting, but it was like we had sober people in fellowship. It had a sober, I mean, people drank and people, plenty of people were drinking, but plenty of people weren't drinking. And I had to show up and be sober. And it was really hard to do new material because I didn't, you know, and the anonymity and press and, you know, I was, I talk about it and it's all that's happening and everything was so fresh and, you know, pain plus time equals comedy, and was there enough time and figuring out what to. But, you know, I could always focus on hosting, you know, and I could always focus on service and making it okay for everyone else. And whether was really I was going to be the one, maybe I wasn't. Maybe I was going to not be the one.

Beth [00:31:18]:
Maybe it was really about everyone else and I didn't. So I really, that was. And then miraculously, we were asked to do some Amazon shows during that time. So I was literally had nowhere to live and, like, moving around and producing these shows for Amazon and with honest shoestring, but it was crazy.

Anne [00:31:40]:
Yeah.

Beth [00:31:41]:
So having that. Okay, so meetings. I mean, I went to meetings, a lot of meetings. At the beginning, I got a sponsor who wasn't the right sponsor, but around six months, I landed with the right sponsor. I really had to beg her. I, like, begged her. I was just like, I have a project and it's gonna be a movie. We laugh about this all the time.

Beth [00:32:06]:
Cause she was like, it's gonna go, and then I won't have any time. That movie has still never been made.

Rebekka [00:32:13]:
Oh, my God.

Beth [00:32:15]:
You know, it's hard to find somebody the right person. I knew that she had been through so much. I knew she could really help me. And I've been so working with a sponsor, doing the steps I did. Once I landed with her, we did the steps pretty fast. I went through them pretty. Yeah, I didn't speed through them, but I did want to get through them and all the things like learning what one day at a time means and actually believing. I remember I bought a.

Beth [00:32:52]:
I was buying a calendar at one point, and I was like, should I get a monthly calendar? Weekly calendar, you know, everything is like, oh. And I was like, oh, wait, one day at a time. I'll get a one day at a time. I'll get my, like, Dave, I'll get a book one day at a time. And now I still have that. It was like a still use, and I fill it every year. But I also have a monthly, also google now. I mean, I'm calendars now.

Beth [00:33:14]:
Certain I have a place in my heart and I really keep up with it. So that a lot there was, you know, really listening, being willing, I would say just being willing. I mean, Fawn always says you were just really willing. I just. There was a lot of. I cried. I cried so much because I was in so much grief. I lost.

Beth [00:33:39]:
So besides losing drinking and the crutch of drinking and having to feel all my feelings, which I didn't even know what they were, I feel like I was just like, you know, an emotional child. There was also, I mean, you know, all that, you know, to lose your credit, to lose your. I mean, I've been married since, you know, for many, many. I've been married for a very long time. And we were very entwined, you know, very entwined. We were, yeah, your partner couple. And it was just a giant loss and all of it. So I, you know, owned a house and, you know, it was just wreckage, just so much wreckage.

Beth [00:34:21]:
But I listened. I had a lot of things written in red lipstick around the house. I did finally land in a guest house. Really, like, protected. And it was really God shot. The way it happened to. It's too long a story. It's in my show.

Beth [00:34:36]:
It's a lot. Come see the show.

Anne [00:34:37]:
We will.

Beth [00:34:40]:
And there were certain things that I really lived by. One was this idea that I love uncertainty. I had written out, I love uncertainty. There's more God there. And, you know, I think of myself probably mostly as a recovering know it all.

Anne [00:35:01]:
I love that.

Rebekka [00:35:03]:
I can relate.

Beth [00:35:04]:
Yeah. I mean, we all. We all are such, like. No, I mean, not.

Rebekka [00:35:07]:
I know.

Beth [00:35:08]:
I mean, we just. And I find, you know, and because also my bit in, you know, part of, like, part of my thing is, like, wisdom and knowing and coaching and telling, you know, and it's like I really have to remind myself all the time, like. But I don't know. I mean, I will often give an. Somebody who asked me a question, and I'll give a very certain answer and they'll go, but I don't know. I mean, but what do I know? Because I could. I mean, I, well, lace everything in with. But I could be wrong, because it was in this time of uncertainty where I really was like, as you said, ann, you know, becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable and uncertainty and the unknown.

Beth [00:35:51]:
And I try to think of the unknown as, like, the mystery, and if everything is known, there is no room. This was really what I came to, and I still. I do forget it. And it's. Thank you for making me say this out loud to remind myself, you know, the. I once heard, actually, alcoholism referred to as the disease of forgetting. And I really think that is one of the greatest descriptions of situation. But this idea of the uncertain, when everything is known, think of it as, like, concrete.

Beth [00:36:27]:
Everything is so concrete. There is room for that sparkle to move through and change anything. But if you think of it as the. I always think, if once I think of it as the mystery, it seems kind of like fog and foggy and.

Anne [00:36:42]:
Unknown, and then like, more whimsical.

Beth [00:36:44]:
Yeah, it's much more whimsical mystery than certainty and uncertainty. So that was one tool. I really tried to develop that tool in the real. I remember there was. Sarah McLaughlin has a recording of the St. Francis. St. Francis prayer.

Anne [00:37:00]:
Oh, wow.

Beth [00:37:01]:
St. Francis fair.

Rebekka [00:37:04]:
I love his prancing. It's so delightful.

Anne [00:37:08]:
It's a whole fair. Yeah.

Beth [00:37:10]:
And I. On really bad nights, I would put that thing on a repeat play, and I would be crying and my heart would hurt, and I would just listen to her sing that same francis prayer on repeat loop until I fell asleep. Like, it could take 2 hours. I mean, it was really hard. I tried to learn to pray. You know, I'm jewish, and I picked a christian sponsor partly. I mean, I didn't pick her because she was christian. I did think I was a.

Beth [00:37:39]:
I always say, people say, get a sponsor that has something you want. And she had the prettiest blonde hair, you know, because I think, you know, in the jewish faith, it's also common, complicated, and the prayers are in Hebrew, and what did they even mean? And it's all questions and, you know, unknown. And I really did like that she had this very concrete, concrete way to, like, pray to God. And why don't you ask God this and talk to. I don't know what's just, I really love. And so I worked really hard at what is my personal relationship to God. And I also, in the beginning, especially, I love to share this. If there are newcomers listening, this was the greatest thing.

Beth [00:38:26]:
So I went to a meeting, and, you know, you see who's going to speak, and then you're like, you can't help it. You have a little feeling of excitement or dread, and you try not to judge. But, you know, mostly I'm just, like, open, and it's okay. This guy, I had heard him speak before, and his story wasn't that interesting to me, and you're like, wrap it up. Wrap it up, this guy. And really, like, ugh, this guy. And then he said in his share, some days, the best I can do is not make it worse. And that was such a giant light bulb.

Beth [00:39:10]:
Aha. Helpful moment for me. And it also woke me up to, like, how judgy I was. It really helped me stay out of judgment. Other times in my life, I was like, here I'd been like. And he said the most helpful thing I'd probably hurt in a year.

Anne [00:39:25]:
Right.

Beth [00:39:27]:
And that was a really powerful tool, because I don't know about you, but for me, you know, the thinking, you know, it's not the drinking, it's the thinking. And in my mind, I do some. You know, I can hook into something and make it worse and worse and worse and worse.

Rebekka [00:39:44]:
Oh, yes. And my therapist calls it catastrophizing. I do that.

Beth [00:39:49]:
Yeah. And even if I'm not doing it out loud with anyone else, I really doing it with myself, so, yeah, that's.

Rebekka [00:39:57]:
Even the worst, I think. Well, I mean, Rebecca probably thinks it's the worst one. Catastrophize with her, but, like, in my brain, it's worse. But, I mean, I'm working on that right now. Yeah, exactly. It's like, to come from a place of curiosity and a little more openness than being closed off, know it all.

Beth [00:40:15]:
Yeah. And also just restraint of pen and tongue.

Rebekka [00:40:19]:
Yeah. Yeah.

Beth [00:40:20]:
And I think that was one of the most baffling things to me as a writer and performer. Restraint of pen and tongue. I really. The first few years were really, really hard because I didn't know what I could say and what I couldn't say.

Anne [00:40:35]:
Yeah.

Beth [00:40:36]:
It was really hard for me to understand what restraint of pen and tongue would mean in a positive way. But lately, I've come to connect it with this idea. Did you ever hear a phrase, don't waste your breath?

Rebekka [00:40:52]:
Yeah.

Beth [00:40:56]:
One day I was, like, thinking about saying something, and I said to myself, don't waste your breath. And all of a sudden I really got it. I was like, you literally only have. I mean, you know, the yogis have, like, you know, maybe it probably has to do with 108. You know, maybe it's like 100,000 breaths or whatever is like, there is some number of breaths that you get and, like, don't waste them on this negative thought or these negative ideas or complaining or, you know, so that that was a big one. Restraint of pen and tongue. And, of course, the asking for help without whining. That's the part they never say.

Beth [00:41:36]:
They say, ask for help, but you're adding on.

Rebekka [00:41:40]:
Don't whine.

Anne [00:41:40]:
Yeah, it's not working. Why is my way.

Beth [00:41:45]:
I really. I just had the acceptance thing. I also. Because I was crying for so long, it was literally, like my third year of crying. And I said to my sponsor, like, am I ever going to stop crying? Like, I wasn't, you know, I wasn't in really. And she kept trying to get me to say what it was about. I mean, when I look back on it, I'm like, it makes so much sense because it wasn't necessarily victim thinking. I was really in action.

Beth [00:42:12]:
I really got that, you know, AA was a program of action and steps and doing and, you know, wasn't a program of thinking, and I was doing it, and I didn't really feel sorry for myself. I was excited about, you know, having is getting a second chance at life, and I was all of these amazing things and. But I was still just crying and, you know, there's. There is the grief of giving up drinking and grief of mistakes and shame about mistakes and, you know, all that fourth step work, and I really, at some point, just was like, I just may never stop crying. If this is my life, I guess this is my life. And then one day at a time, it's a breakup.

Anne [00:43:01]:
It is a breakup at times. You know, like, it's especially, like, when you. If you've been drinking a long time. Like, I'm like, I drank for 27 years.

Beth [00:43:12]:
Yeah.

Anne [00:43:12]:
And it wasn't always destructive drinking, although, like, pretty much the first time I drank, I threw up from it.

Beth [00:43:18]:
Oh, wow.

Rebekka [00:43:18]:
Okay.

Anne [00:43:19]:
Because I was, like, partying with kids, and we were running around and taking shots and then run around again and take more shots, and I drank until I threw up first time, and I was like, great, keep going, I guess.

Beth [00:43:31]:
That'S what it is.

Anne [00:43:32]:
Yeah, that's what it's like.

Beth [00:43:34]:
Grown up.

Anne [00:43:35]:
Yeah. I was 16 or, you know, and. Yeah, 27 years. So that's a long time to have something in your life. And, like, all the ways that I glamorized it and made it, it felt like the solution for everything, you know? And so, yeah, it makes sense that subconsciously you were grieving it, even if consciously you were taking action, and especially.

Beth [00:43:58]:
If you've lost, as I did, so many.

Rebekka [00:44:00]:
Oh, my God.

Anne [00:44:01]:
Yeah. It's a hard.

Rebekka [00:44:02]:
It seems reasonable to cry for three years, given that. Like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Beth [00:44:08]:
Also, you know, the feeling. You know, all that feeling that you didn't want to feel.

Rebekka [00:44:15]:
Oh, my God, yes.

Beth [00:44:16]:
And even just trying, the frustration of trying. It was funny until maybe my. About five years ago, so I don't know how many years that is in, if I'm 13. Eight years. It was like, eight years already into sobriety. My mom passed, and I'm still friends on Facebook with the woman who was my english teacher, and, you know, like, my teacher, the one. And she said, and she's now a therapist. And she was like, if you ever want to talk, you know, about your mom, like, let me know.

Beth [00:44:47]:
And I was like, oh, my God, I want to talk right now. So she's become kind of a mentor, which is amazing. And she's a therapist and a mentor and, you know, like, such a. Such an. So anyway, in the beginning of us talking, and she was really, like, trying to help me deal with my mom's death. And at one point, she said, you know, you might want to look up executive function disorder. And I did. And I took a page of notes on it, and my page of notes, like, kind of proved that I had it.

Beth [00:45:22]:
It's all over the place, you know? And I started to understand, like, oh, it would really make sense. Like, at 05:00, I mean, for. You know, I drank for many other reasons, but self medicating reason of, like, working with my brain. And then at 05:00, my brain was just like, I can't do it anymore. I can't do it anymore.

Rebekka [00:45:48]:
Same, same. Yeah. Do you have any rituals at five now that you do to kind of, like, shut down?

Beth [00:45:55]:
I don't, but you know what I did somewhere in my second year, my sponsor said, you do understand that you call me every day at 05:00. I don't anymore, but I do years. I just call her at that same.

Rebekka [00:46:14]:
Time, and I still get squirrely at that time. It's been 18 months, and I still. That's the time of day that I just get a little squirrely.

Beth [00:46:21]:
Oh, your baby. And do you both. Is that about what you both have about 18 months?

Rebekka [00:46:25]:
We quit on the same day for different reasons. We didn't let each other know, and we came to each other, and I was like, I got a shameful secret. And she's like, I got a secret, too. And I'm like, I quit drinking. And so we were both. Cause we drank so much together that we didn't wanna tell each other.

Beth [00:46:41]:
Oh, that's so sweet.

Anne [00:46:42]:
Yeah.

Beth [00:46:43]:
So you were friends before, and then that's over at the same. Oh, what a great.

Anne [00:46:47]:
And we were doing, like, comedy together and friends. And then I quit, like, smoking pot 50 days ago. So it was like an additional. It was like a thing that I didn't do that often, but it was always a thing that I had in my back pocket as, like a. As a. You know, just in case. And, like, I was talking to a sponsor about it, actually. Cause I'm like.

Anne [00:47:11]:
It wasn't really a problem. Cause I would smoke, like, a couple times a month at most. Right. But I had vapes in every purse and in my underwear drawer and, like, every. All these different places.

Rebekka [00:47:23]:
In your underwear every day?

Beth [00:47:24]:
Yeah, in my underwear.

Anne [00:47:25]:
But it was, like, all different places. Just in case. And it was like my. Just in case, like, break if an emergency. And I would bring it to social events because the. Cause I. Cause I didn't start the program right away. And so, you know, we did it kind of on our own.

Anne [00:47:41]:
And. And I had read a couple books. Ann and I both read a couple books. And so it was like, oh, I have that. And then I started to notice the obsessive thinking coming in. And also, I wasn't being truthful with the AA people.

Beth [00:47:56]:
Yeah.

Anne [00:47:57]:
Once I started to be honest with people in meetings and stuff, and my sponsor was like, well, you can't. You know. So we had to have a tough conversation, but.

Beth [00:48:08]:
Yeah. Well, the other thing is, one way to think about it, too, is keeping that pipeline to higher power clear.

Anne [00:48:18]:
Yeah.

Beth [00:48:19]:
And just. It's not muddy.

Anne [00:48:22]:
Not having it be a bong with smoke.

Beth [00:48:24]:
Not having it be a bong with smoke.

Rebekka [00:48:25]:
Oh, I wear a bong on my head. Is that blocking the path to God? Oh, shit. Oh, man. Okay. I need a new hat. I need a new sun hat.

Anne [00:48:33]:
Yeah. It's a large bong.

Rebekka [00:48:36]:
It's made out of glass. It's uncomfortable.

Beth [00:48:38]:
It's not a good.

Rebekka [00:48:39]:
Frankly. And then I still occasionally have an edible once a month. It's like my once a month cigarette. And so that's my California sobriety. But I just wanted, like, in the. In the vein of being completely honest, that's my.

Anne [00:48:57]:
And we have a different. We have a different relationship.

Beth [00:49:00]:
That's okay.

Rebekka [00:49:01]:
I don't have a sponsor in AA. I just have my coda.

Anne [00:49:06]:
Yeah, she doesn't do aa. She was. She had a different issue. Like, she got migraines from drinking, and.

Rebekka [00:49:12]:
I was an alcohol, and I was, like. It was the ritual of it, so, like, I was an alcoholic in my own way, but it was like. It was a different. We were a little different in our approaches. Rebecca was gone drinking.

Beth [00:49:23]:
Even though you were getting migraines?

Rebekka [00:49:25]:
Yes. Which is bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Beth [00:49:28]:
I know.

Rebekka [00:49:29]:
I'm an alcoholic. Yeah, yeah.

Anne [00:49:31]:
We're all coming to it in a.

Beth [00:49:33]:
Really time, you know, and I mean, you know, whatever. I mean, doesn't mean anything except, you know, if you're gonna do something, even though, you know, it's bad for you.

Rebekka [00:49:45]:
That's true.

Beth [00:49:46]:
You know.

Anne [00:49:47]:
Yeah, that's me and ice cream right now, but, you know, still, I'm Coca Cola.

Beth [00:49:52]:
I mean, I drink probably, you know, my blood. It runs in. My blood is filled with caffeine. Yeah. I just. You know, for me, I feel like there's so. There's so much to be gained by clarity. The idea of an edible is so nerve wracking to me that, you know, I.

Beth [00:50:14]:
The only. I remember doing, like, pot brownies and being high for three days and just being so.

Rebekka [00:50:21]:
I know, I know I'm on the fence. I just. Whereas it doesn't buy this, strangely, the way my brain works, if I have it as a thing. Like, I've had this thing of edibles for the last. Since we quit 18 months, and there's been 30 in it. So I just. I don't really. I just like to have it there.

Rebekka [00:50:42]:
I don't know why. Maybe I still have my ex boyfriend around alcoholism. I don't know. I still have him on speed dial. Who knows?

Beth [00:50:51]:
Who knows? Who knows? You know? Somebody gave us bottle of champagne four years ago, and there it sits. I didn't throw it away. Just maybe somebody will come over and I might want to serve them champagne.

Rebekka [00:51:02]:
Oh, yeah. Isn't that, like, a rule from back in the day? Like, always have a bottle of chilled champagne in the fridge?

Beth [00:51:06]:
Something like, I actually have a big lesson I learned from champagne, and I don't know how this really suspride exactly but I shot a pilot for MTV, and at the end of the day, and it was just a dream project. And at the end of the day, they gave me a bottle of Dom Perignon, and I was so tired. At the end of that day, I just thought, just so tired. How am I even going to drink this? I mean, if you can imagine alcoholic thinking that you wouldn't, but also that.

Anne [00:51:39]:
You had to drink it all.

Beth [00:51:40]:
Yeah. You know, it was just like, I was just, like, too tired to even drink this, so I just thought, yeah, I don't know. So I just put it in the fridge. Then every day was like, is it good enough for the Dom Perignon? Is it a Dom Perignon day? And then the show was greenlit, and then before it got on the air, it was canceled for time. You know, it was just like, it was just a. Just. It was a just total fuck over. Yeah.

Beth [00:52:07]:
So then it had a whole bad flavor to it. Now, here's this bottle. And then finally one day, it was so, like, just sitting in the fridge, I was like, I don't know, I'm just going to open it today, like random day. But it really made me understand. It's like, don't put off the champagne moment like every. Not like with champagne, but. And I think it's a very sober thought, actually. It is one day at a time.

Beth [00:52:31]:
It's like when there's something to celebrate. And I think it's funny, you know, I wanted to take my workshop business and turn it more into a coaching business and really redefine my, the business part of my business. Business coach. She was a little bit like having a business sponsor, and I love her, and she's so great, and. But there's. I work with her one on one, and sometimes I go to a group with her, and it is a little bit like a meeting, but at the beginning, she makes us do victories, wins, and nice surprises. And just like, this is the geekiest thing. I can't hear it.

Beth [00:53:07]:
I can't. And then I started, you know, and then in my own groups, I was like, well, I'm gonna try it when I lead my, you know, my infinite creator groups. And the thing that I love about it is I say this about artists, but I also, if any of you are listening and you're just actually creative in some other ways, and. But. Or maybe you're just alcoholics.

Rebekka [00:53:35]:
Everyone has creativity.

Beth [00:53:37]:
Yeah. I think of it this way, you know, when you look at a plank of wood, there's a knot in it. If there's a knot in it. That's where your eye goes. Your eye goes directly to the knot. Not is literally where there was an infection in the wood. And that's the interesting part, the bad part, the problem, the infection, that's where we go to. And especially as storytellers, I mean, I'm not going to sit here and tell you the best day of my sobriety, you know, crying and it was horrible.

Beth [00:54:12]:
And because that's what's interesting. We're storytellers. And so by looking at, and it is also like you do as you go along, learn that in your sharing, your sharing shouldn't be complaining. And how do you, it's like when they tell you do a gratitude list. But it's a little bit different because we tend to overlook like the champagne moment. Like it would have been a thing to at the end of that day say, you know, whatever happens with this show, like today was a success.

Anne [00:54:41]:
Yeah.

Beth [00:54:41]:
Just to be able to get through today, to be able to do an amazing pilot to show up for these people, you know, I just, my, I'm just so 100% different than I, you know, I'm exactly the same, but also very different because, you know, the way I try to move, not always successfully, but the way I prefer to move through things. And many times I'm able to fail. Fail. But sometimes I win. And so to say three wins, when I have clients do it to me or, you know, a lot of things that could come up, people will say, and I'll be like, that's amazing. And they'll go, that is kind of amazing. Something that didn't even, like they didn't, weren't even clocking it right. Moving on to the next problem, you know, and to go from problem to problem to problem because we're creative and because we want to, you know, it's interesting.

Beth [00:55:32]:
And so that, you know, that's the thing, too. And I mean, as you think about, you know, whether you're going to give up edibles or, you know, also vape or program, it's still, it's a victory to go through a day and be conscious and be present and that is the greatest, you know, victory. But I always said, you know, you know, at the end, at the twelve step where they're like, you know, our mission is to, you know, help another alcoholic. It's over. And I would always say to fall. I'm like, is that really my mission?

Anne [00:56:10]:
I just want to help me, but.

Beth [00:56:14]:
Like, I want to help create it. Like my, doesn't feel like that but then, so it's like, I want to help audiences laugh and I want to help. I want to help my team, you know, flourish, and I want to help my production do great, and I want to help. Sure. I also want to help other alcoholics, you know, so, like that. But the longer I have been doing it, the more I start to see, like, everyone is really an alcoholic or addict. Like, there are no normies. That's what I have, like, understood, agree.

Beth [00:56:45]:
Very few people who are not addicted in our culture, so.

Rebekka [00:56:50]:
Oh, my God, we're all addicted to devices. Come on, stop it. I don't know a single person who's not.

Anne [00:56:55]:
Yeah. Who knows it's bad for them and keeps scrolling. Yeah, that's the feeling.

Beth [00:57:00]:
And I had a client just this morning about writing. You know, he's like, he's not in program, but he's like my therapist of this thing from programmed to me, and it was so helpful. And like, is there a book of all those, like, alcoholics saying all those things?

Rebekka [00:57:14]:
Because they're not like, I know, yeah.

Beth [00:57:17]:
They'Re not in the big book. You know, it's all those things like, that are so annoying when you first hear them. Like, take it easy. It's like, yeah, that is actually really helpful. And.

Rebekka [00:57:31]:
Or the gratitude list when you're having a shitty day. Or like, yeah, I gotta be grateful. I know, I know. I like it too. But I like to get my. Yeah, we talked about this before. We have different approaches to Grant.

Beth [00:57:44]:
Well, what. What are your different approaches?

Rebekka [00:57:46]:
I just need to get the bad thoughts out first, just out of my fucking brain. And then I can be grateful. It's almost like I just have to get those spiral thoughts. Like, like, well, I actually. I'm feeling. I'm feeling this today. I'm not feeling that great. And then I'm grateful.

Rebekka [00:58:00]:
Whatever.

Anne [00:58:00]:
It's almost like a blurt. Like you get. You blurred it out and then you.

Beth [00:58:04]:
I'm going to try to randomize your life right now.

Rebekka [00:58:06]:
Oh, God bless.

Anne [00:58:07]:
Thank you, Beth.

Beth [00:58:08]:
This is something that I heard in one of those eleven step meetings that really is helpful. I think it was like, sit and do sit. It was like a gratitude meditation. And she was like, whatever comes in your mind, be grateful for that thing and then think about why. And so I think we've come to understand the gratitude list as a list of received gifts. Like, only the good things go on the gratitude list. We never are. Like, I'm really feeling sad and I'm so grateful.

Beth [00:58:42]:
I feel sad because I actually can feel my feelings.

Rebekka [00:58:47]:
Yes. Thank you, God, for the anal blockage.

Beth [00:58:50]:
Yeah. I mean, whatever it is, like, this thing in my body, which is waking this pain, this anal blockage wakes me up to the fact that I really need to eat more fiber. So thank you.

Rebekka [00:58:59]:
Thank you for reminding me.

Beth [00:59:01]:
Thank you for reminding me. Thank you for being human where I can experience things and I'm not a disembodied conscious. And it doesn't.

Rebekka [00:59:11]:
It's.

Beth [00:59:11]:
Nothing fixes at all. You know, it's not about. Yeah, we always joke in the house, you know, that'll fix it.

Rebekka [00:59:19]:
But we, like, I've been thinking about that, too, like, recently, and it's like, we don't need fixing, necessarily. Like, it's like that is like that. That suggests we're broken and we're not. We're all just humans, right? So we're all equally broken.

Beth [00:59:35]:
We're broken open. Sorry.

Anne [00:59:39]:
Yes. I didn't mean to laugh.

Beth [00:59:42]:
What?

Anne [00:59:43]:
Yes.

Beth [00:59:46]:
It'S true, though.

Rebekka [00:59:47]:
But I mean, like. Yeah, like, I think that sometimes, like, with the self help stuff, we get to, like, if once I get. Once I fix all these things, then I'm. I can feel happiness. It's like. No, with your broken ass or. You're not broken ass right now. You can feel happiness or not feel.

Beth [01:00:04]:
Happiness or not feel happiness. You don't feel.

Anne [01:00:06]:
And that's okay. And you can feel for feeling.

Beth [01:00:08]:
Yeah. The show that I was doing when I got sober was called 100% happy 88% of the time. And I do still stand by that, even though I was not. So, I mean, I do think of it as, like, you know, and my idea, the big idea of that show was like, you can. And I mean, 100% happy. Who can be? But, you know, the joke version of the idea is that you could be 100% happy 88% of the time if you're willing to be 100% unhappy 12% of the time.

Rebekka [01:00:40]:
That's really leaded.

Beth [01:00:42]:
I don't know what the numbers and the math might be a little off, but that, I think, is part of it. But I do. Anne, love your thing of the writing down when you're spinning. I'm always telling people, don't do morning pages, because I think morning pages are such a. That's another show. I do think the thing, but I do love the idea of night pages, which is writing down your life as you have observed it, and writing down what you've noticed. And not just, but the spinning and the writing down. The spinning is such an effective way to.

Beth [01:01:19]:
Part of it isn't just complaining, but it's to slow your mind down.

Rebekka [01:01:23]:
Oh, yeah.

Beth [01:01:24]:
Most effective because you can't write as fast as you think.

Anne [01:01:28]:
Right.

Rebekka [01:01:28]:
Well, my typing is almost like I'm like my mom said they signed me up for, like, five years of typing. They were crazy. Mary Sheridan Brent. Yes. So, you know, I'm a very type fast typer, and I, uh. And I do. And I was looking at it. I was just looking at it because I was like, what did I write today? And it was, it was like, I'm really sad about this callback, but then I'm like, also, the sky is blue and blah, blah, blah.

Rebekka [01:01:49]:
It was like all of these stream of consciousness weirdo. And then I could just be clear, even.

Beth [01:01:54]:
Yeah, you know, if it works. You know, when you, you know, work it, you know, it works if you work it. And everybody is every, you know, in yoga that my, at the beginning of my learning yoga, I heard, I had a teacher say to me, it's your yoga and it's your life. You know, it's you, and you are. We're all the same, and we're all different. You know, we're all I in meetings sometimes it drives me crazy when speakers talk about, like, we. We're this and we're where things like, yeah. And sometimes I really like it because we are, you know, there is a we to each person, and then there is also an eye.

Beth [01:02:37]:
And I love that about, you know, the arts community and about also program community and about all communities that it's like, you understand that you're not so unique that no one is like you, but you also understand, like, you are kind of unique. I mean, yeah, fun to hear other people's stories. I mean, it's like, oh, I relate to it, but it's not my story.

Anne [01:03:04]:
Yeah. Because we can relate to part of most stories, you know, the emotional part.

Beth [01:03:10]:
I mean, at the beginning for me, I was like, oh, God, my life wasn't that bad. I mean, you know, it's like, you hear, like, jail and murder.

Anne [01:03:18]:
Yes.

Rebekka [01:03:19]:
Oh, my God, I've murdered people, so maybe I could relate to that.

Anne [01:03:23]:
She's a jail.

Rebekka [01:03:24]:
Oh, shoot. We need to take that. Let's take that out.

Anne [01:03:27]:
No, I'm keeping it in. Keeping it to the cops.

Rebekka [01:03:30]:
Okay.

Beth [01:03:31]:
The first thing that I heard that made me go, like, oh, yeah. Was a guy who, I don't know what his drug was, but then he was in a hotel room, I think, in Vegas, and he had put, like, tinfoil up on the windows and, you know, and I was so relating to his share and I was like, oh, that is the description of what my insight felt like. I felt I had done that emotionally.

Anne [01:03:58]:
Wow.

Beth [01:03:59]:
So you never know when you're gonna hear. That's just what, that is what I loved about meetings. Yeah.

Anne [01:04:07]:
Well, I think we can wrap up. This has been so incredible, so lovely.

Rebekka [01:04:12]:
What recent, what shows? Where can we get our audience to go to see you in live or online?

Beth [01:04:19]:
See me live.

Rebekka [01:04:20]:
See ya.

Beth [01:04:22]:
To see me. You can, number one, who knows when you're listening to this in time and.

Rebekka [01:04:29]:
Space, but within this week, we'll post it.

Beth [01:04:33]:
Yeah, this week. Whenever this week is. February is running monthly of a venue in Los Angeles called El Cid. Yes, we will be. We're there generally Fridays at the end of the month. This month it's going to be the 24 May 2024. My current show, my current solo show is called it's a lot. And I'm working on tours of that.

Beth [01:04:57]:
So the best thing to do to stay in touch with me is to go to my website and sign up for my email list or to find me on socials at Beth Lapidus on Instagram. And I'm on Substack as the infinite creator. And my creativity, that creativity work I'm doing with people is super exciting. And that program is amazing. And if you're looking for a creativity coach, find me there. I have a book called. So you need to decide which Variety said was a potentially life changing treasure.

Anne [01:05:33]:
Amazing.

Beth [01:05:34]:
You can find that everywhere. Audio. It's an audiobook and you can listen to it on any platform where you find audiobooks.

Anne [01:05:42]:
Okay, that's awesome.

Rebekka [01:05:43]:
Thank you, Ben. Oh, and I forgot to say, oh, my God. The Sex and the City thing was just brilliant. It was. How. How many days did you shoot that?

Beth [01:05:55]:
Two days.

Rebekka [01:05:57]:
Okay.

Beth [01:05:57]:
It was really crazy because I did. In a ps to this episode, I started my career as a performance artist in New York. Oh, no way. Shifted over to comedy after a very big existential, you know, epiphany. That's.

Rebekka [01:06:12]:
Yeah.

Beth [01:06:13]:
And then was in LA and doing on cabaret, and Michael Patrick King, who is obviously the director and producer, blah, blah, blah, he wanted me to do it, and then I had to audition for the director. Any. Whatever.

Rebekka [01:06:28]:
It's brilliant. It's so brilliant, I have to say. Oh, it's.

Beth [01:06:32]:
She's this.

Rebekka [01:06:33]:
It's like Marina Ebrin. Like, it's like that kind of performance. Performance artist.

Beth [01:06:38]:
And it's like that. They literally. They, they optioned her. They licensed her.

Anne [01:06:44]:
Oh, wow.

Rebekka [01:06:44]:
That's what I thought, because I've seen her documentaries or whatever, and I'm like, it's, it's just so brilliant. And she plays it like she should get an emmy for it. It's so good. It's so good. Well, you know what?

Anne [01:06:53]:
We're going to give you an emmy now.

Rebekka [01:06:54]:
We're giving you an emmy. This is our zoom now.

Anne [01:06:57]:
You're a woman now.

Beth [01:06:58]:
I have an emmy. Emmy winning. Can I not just from now on?

Anne [01:07:04]:
Yeah, why not? We're going to check you on that.

Beth [01:07:07]:
I wouldn't believe it.

Anne [01:07:09]:
I would also buy it if you said emmy winning. I would not question it for 1 second.

Beth [01:07:14]:
Emmy winning best selling author and emmy winning actress.

Anne [01:07:18]:
Hey, baby. Love it.

Rebekka [01:07:20]:
Ok.

Anne [01:07:20]:
Thank you so much.

Rebekka [01:07:23]:
Thank you.

Anne [01:07:28]:
I love her. I feel like. Like I'm in love with her.

Rebekka [01:07:31]:
I love her energy, her wit, and also her jewelry. Her jewelry, her style, her hair.

Anne [01:07:41]:
I love it.

Rebekka [01:07:42]:
So you haven't seen. So rebecca was talking that she hasn't. She didn't watch sex and the city with.

Anne [01:07:47]:
I watched it, like little bits, but yeah, I didn't. I did not watch it. I was like, sex and the city head.

Rebekka [01:07:55]:
I was a sex in the city head, but I didn't have. I was a sex ed, but I didn't watch it when it came out. I would watch it right when the DVD's would be released. I would go to blockbuster. Yeah, this is aging me as a Gen Z. I would, like, binge watch them. And I was like, well, when women graduate from college, they have to go to New York and they have to get really nice shoes and have a lot of sex and drink cosmopolitans and that's. But Beth was amazing in that.

Rebekka [01:08:26]:
And so many pearls of wisdom. Yes. I really enjoy the. What's sticking with me about her story, and this isn't even a pearl of wisdom, is the crying for three years is just. I don't see that she was going through such hell, but she was actually processing it and moving on. And then you see where she is now with her business and her show and her life and how good it is now. I just see that, like, the alcohol just prolongs the pain and dulls it.

Anne [01:09:06]:
Right. It doesn't make it go away.

Rebekka [01:09:07]:
It doesn't make it go away. And that's what I hear from that story. And just her strength. Jesus, her strength.

Anne [01:09:14]:
Yeah. And honestly, like, just because you get sober doesn't mean the circumstances of your life are gonna be perfect. Right. And so they hand out gold bars.

Rebekka [01:09:25]:
At AA meetings, don't they gold bars.

Anne [01:09:27]:
Like, that's once you get a few years in.

Rebekka [01:09:31]:
Okay, got it, got it, got it.

Anne [01:09:32]:
Three years of crying, and then they actually take your tears and they turn them into salt, and then they sell them, and when they get the money from the salt, turn it into gold bars.

Rebekka [01:09:43]:
Oh, my God. I didn't know salt was that expensive.

Anne [01:09:46]:
Yeah, you have to cry a lot.

Rebekka [01:09:47]:
Biden.

Anne [01:09:49]:
Yeah, that's all Biden's fault. But, yeah, she was awesome. She's, like, really inspirational, and she's kind of credited with creating alt comedy. Comedy.

Rebekka [01:10:00]:
When we didn't talk to her about this, but, like, Rebecca and I had a show, and I think at some point we'll bring it back. Cause it was so fun, but, like, it was alt comedy, and, like, we love alt comedy. Yeah. So much.

Anne [01:10:12]:
And she's, like, on the show for some. Some time because, oh, we should completely have her. And I wanna see her show and read her book and everything. So it was just great to have her on. I'm really, really happy that we got to interview her. And I just realized I didn't make a mocktail.

Rebekka [01:10:31]:
You know what?

Anne [01:10:32]:
But I had.

Rebekka [01:10:32]:
I'm not going to mock you. We are sponsored by wheat thins and coffee and coke zero and water. Strangely, sponsored by water.

Anne [01:10:43]:
Yeah.

Rebekka [01:10:44]:
And not a water department. Water in general. H two o. Big sponsor to get. Everyone needs it. No, I think that's okay. It's fine. We are in the middle of the day.

Rebekka [01:10:55]:
You know what? Here's the thing. We don't always drink mocktails. Sometimes we drink coffee, sometimes water.

Anne [01:11:03]:
I was going to say, when she said she loved Negroni, I mean, campari. And one mocktail that I do love is a phonogroni. I'm just going to get it because I have it right here. I have the bottle.

Rebekka [01:11:17]:
Okay. While she's getting that, I wanted to thank everyone for leaving reviews and listening in and sharing and taking the time to write a review. It means the world to us. It means the world to us that we're reaching some people. Please continue to do it. And now Rebecca's back with her mocktail.

Anne [01:11:39]:
Okay. It's phony Negroni.

Rebekka [01:11:42]:
Bony Negroni.

Anne [01:11:43]:
I didn't make it up, so it's gonna taste good.

Rebekka [01:11:45]:
I like that you haven't taken it out of the cardboard. Pure class.

Anne [01:11:48]:
I've drank. I've drank. I don't know. I drink these sometimes. And so when I went to soft spirits to get the fake tequila to make our fake. Our margarita mocktails, I also picked up some phony negroni. And I also loved Campari and aperol spritz and Negronis and, like, the bitter, herbaceous cocktails. And so I really enjoy a phony negroni.

Anne [01:12:15]:
I like to put it over ice and I squeeze orange into it, and it tastes great. And I feel like I'm drinking something special and it's not too sweet and it has that herby thing.

Beth [01:12:28]:
So.

Anne [01:12:28]:
Phony Negroni. I said I didn't have a mocktail look.

Rebekka [01:12:31]:
She did.

Anne [01:12:32]:
I had wonderful. And I also had the wheat then. So.

Rebekka [01:12:38]:
Thank you, Nabisco, and thank you for listening. And we'll talk to you real quick.

Anne [01:12:43]:
Yeah. If you need a non drinking buddy, we can be that.

Rebekka [01:12:47]:
We'll be your buddy.

Anne [01:12:47]:
We'll be there for you. Bye.