Episode 24: Setting Boundaries During the Holidays

We’ve talked about setting boundaries before - but it becomes so much more important during the holidays.

Join me to discover how boundaries during the holidays can bring you the peace and joy you so desperately deserve this holiday season!

Check out Episode 11 on Boundaries -

Apple Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/episode-11-setting-and-maintaining-boundaries/id1723782268?i=1000656155982

Spotify Podcast: https://open.spotify.com/episode/4UOmtIP0jX0E2BUw8x4lND?si=GJ9-LOevTrixWcLGjqH6RQ

Find out more about The Purposeful MD here -

www.thepurposefulmd.com 

Transcript

0:08

Welcome to the PurposefulMD Podcast. As a physician, you've sacrificed so much of your life for other people. Your patients, your family, your friends, and your colleagues. What would it feel like to spend time doing what you enjoy, and to live without guilt? I'm your host, Dr. Laura Suttin, a family physician, certified coach, and business owner. If you're a medical professional on a journey towards your most purposeful life, a life with more time and energy, and ultimately more joy, then this is the podcast for you. Welcome to another episode of the purposeful MD podcast. And today we're going to dive into a topic that is really relevant as we head into the holiday season around setting boundaries. Now I've talked about this before in Episode 11, but it becomes so much more important around the holidays. And no matter what your faith, spirituality, religion, as we're recording this, we're in the middle of November and the Christmas commercials have already long started. And so the holiday season is upon us. And, you know, the holidays can really be a wonderful time for joy and celebration connection time with family. But they can also really be stressful. And especially when we find ourselves over committing, or if we feel pressured to meet everybody else's expectations. So today we're going to revisit this, talk about why boundaries are important, why physicians have a hard time setting boundaries and where might we need them, especially now, and how can we put them into place? So you'll come away with some practical tips and some actions on how to put boundaries into practice. So boundaries can be really hard for physicians because we have been trained in our medical training to ignore. And really suppress our physical needs, our emotional needs. So if you think about when we're training, we are rewarded, literally rewarded for not sleeping, not eating. It just becomes the culture, right? And like I said, we are literally rewarded for it. So If we admit the most patients on call, that means we get the least amount of sleep. Then we might become kind of the, the, the go to resident, the one who's seen as the team player who gets everything done. And that might mean that we get, Uh, good grades or additional opportunities. Maybe we're put at the top of the list for fellowships. So this is really something that is very ingrained in our training and it sets up those reward pathways, those dopamine pathways for us, which becomes really, really hard to break. So, as we move out of our training environment, then we realize that these thoughts and this belief system of self sacrifice is not serving us and it's not sustainable. And that's why we get overwhelmed and burned out. So that's why setting boundaries can be really difficult. And one thing I'll keep saying is when we look at this, we really want to start small. We want to start off with something that's doable. That's, that's going to move us forward, right? We don't want to start off with this big boundary setting right off the bat. So let's talk about what is a boundary, why it's important. How do we define a boundary? And so I talk about this in my book. Um, and my best, my favorite definition of a boundary is from Dr. Becky Kennedy. She's a parenting psychologist, actually. She wrote a book called, Good Inside. I highly recommend it, even if you're not a parent, because it's a great book. She defines a boundary as something you say you will do, and it requires the other person to do nothing. And I love this definition because it doesn't require anybody else to do anything. We're in full control. It is us saying that we're going to do something and we're not asking the other person to do something. That would be our request. So that's why I love this definition because we're in full control. So when we set a boundary, we're saying that we're limiting how much time and energy we're going to spend on something, a project or a person or in this particular environment. And it's really to help us protect our time and our wellbeing because we don't have unlimited time. We don't have unlimited energy. So we have to utilize it and kind of manage it and do what is most meaningful to us. So boundaries help us to honor our needs. They're actually a good thing. If you think about, you know, a physical boundary, sometimes that can be, you have pets, right? You need a physical boundary to keep them from running off. It's the same thing. We need some physical boundaries or we need some emotional boundaries. Maybe we do need physical boundaries, but we need some emotional boundaries. So our boundaries help us to honor our needs. They also help the other person that we're interacting with. If they know our boundaries, then they know best how to work with us and how to treat us. So during the holidays, all the family gatherings, social events, work parties, it can be really easy to feel like we have to say yes to everything, but that's where we get overwhelmed. So without these clear boundaries, we can get burned out. We can feel resentful and we might even lose the joy that we might otherwise be wanting to feel this season. How many of you get to January and you're just exhausted because the holidays were so just tiring of all the going, going, going. So boundaries are a really great form of self care. You know, we think about self care as yoga and massages and bubble baths. Self care is not that, self care can absolutely be setting a boundary. Boundaries help us to show up in ways that are meaningful to us. And they help us to spend the time with our loved ones the way that we want to. The other beautiful thing about boundaries is when we set boundaries, we give other people permission to do the same. We set an example for people. We set an example for our kids. Think about the way that you want to show up for your kids if you're a parent, or if you're not a parent. Maybe there are kids in your life or somebody in your life that is looking up to you, regardless of whether or not you have children of your own, someone in your life is looking up to you and looking to you as an example. And when we can set boundaries and we are setting that example for them and, and saying either implicitly or explicitly, it's okay to assert yourself. It's okay to advocate for yourself and it's okay to set this boundary. So I had a physician client once who was asked to do something that was part of an organization that was really important to her, but it was something she just didn't have the time to do. And yet she felt so guilty about it. And in a session we talked about this project that she was asked to take on, and it just was really clear to me and to her that it was something she didn't want to do. So we talked about boundaries. We talked about ways that she could decline and still honor what the other person needs. And I think that's something that's really important to us. You know, we don't want to hurt people, right? And so if we can say no in a way that is, compassionate and loving, then we are meeting our needs and we're meeting the needs of the other person. And so in this situation, I'll talk about this again a little bit more. We could say something like, you know, I, I know this product is really important to you. I am just not able to give it the time and the attention that it needs right now. Here's somebody that I can recommend, or here's another way that you could do that. And so again, it's really honoring the other person, honoring the needs and. Showing that, yeah, this is important to us, but maybe we just don't have the time right now. So we talked about why boundaries are important. How do we know where we need those boundaries? So the best way to do this is to pay attention to your stress. So I want you guys, if you're in an area where you can close your eyes, then close your eyes. If you're driving, please don't close your eyes. But if you're in a place where you can close your eyes, I want you to do this exercise with me. Think of a time when somebody has asked you to do something that you really just don't want to do. And you're feeling obligated. You're kind of dreading. Just feels like something that is something that is not fun for you. Or that you feel like you have to do. Notice how that shows up in your body. Maybe it's a clenching of your jaw. Maybe there's some heaviness in the chest. Maybe your stomach kind of turns a little bit. Just notice where that shows up for you. Now imagine that That request or that obligation has been lifted. You either delegated that or you were never asked to do it. Notice how that feels in your body. Notice that there's a certain lightness or an ease or a peace or a relaxation. Knowing those signals in your body can be really, really helpful. Again, a lot of us as physicians were not trained to notice our own bodily signals. We were trained to ignore them. Remember scrubbing into those nine hour cases, we had to ignore the fact that we had to go to the bathroom because we couldn't leave that patient or that case. So we are very good at ignoring our own bodily signals when we can get really quiet and very clear on how it feels in our body, then we can start to answer that question for ourselves. So let's use a practical example. So let's say that typically in the past, on Christmas Day, you have always gone to multiple people's houses. You feel like you've had to go to a parent's house, in-law's house, then maybe a cousin's house, or a holiday party, or whatever that looks like for you. By the end of Christmas Day, you're exhausted because you've bounced around, you've been to everybody's house. What would it look like for you to maybe choose one family gathering or set some sort of boundary or maybe spread those visits out for a few days? You have to decide what that looks like for you, knowing that you want to feel peaceful and joyful and rested at the end of the day. You want to feel like you've spent Christmas day doing what matters most to you and your family. So think about how that aligns with your values. Going into the holiday season, decide for yourself, how do I want to feel this holiday season? Do I want to feel relaxed and restful? Do I want to feel energized? Do I want to feel like I've. Maybe done some volunteer work or whatever that looks like for you will be very clear about how you want to feel the season and then take action towards that. Take, make those decisions so that you are aligning with those values. If you need downtime, a lot of us do need downtime to recharge. Kids are off school. People are off work. So there's a lot more activity going on. If you need that downtime, You can take that for yourself. So now how do we communicate those boundaries? And that's often the hardest part. So when we think about setting boundaries, the goal isn't to shut people out, but we want to take care of ourselves so when we are with other people, we can show up fully. And again, this takes practice. We can always start with something small. Maybe that's leaving a party a little bit earlier, rather than just not going at all. But when we take those small actions, it builds confidence and momentum and it gives us the energy we need to take bigger actions. We want to be clear and kind. We don't want to beat around the bush. Think about how you would want somebody to treat you. You'd want them to be clear. So if you have an expectation to stay all day at a party, but you want to leave in the evening, you could say, I'd love to come and we're going to leave at 5pm. Or I'd love to come and you just leave when you feel like you need to leave. So that way you're affirming your commitments and you're also honoring your own needs. You also want to make sure that you're using I statements. And this is something that we learn when we're younger. Talking about I statements. So instead of saying something like you're too demanding, you could say, I need some alone time to recharge before joining the celebration. So again, we want to be respectful and clear and kind when we're talking to people. So I love this quote. I included this in my book from author and researcher Daniel Kepke on this topic. And the quote is,"What if they get mad at me?" If people get mad at you for having boundaries, it means they benefited from you not having any. You don't need to keep people happy every minute of the day. You are not responsible for other people's feelings. If someone has a reaction to your boundary, you didn't make them react. You chose to voice your feelings and needs. They chose their reaction. You cannot control what other people do. I just love that quote. And I have to remind myself of that very frequently. All right. So let's talk about what are some things to consider, some practical things that you can do to set some boundaries. So one is a time boundary. So deciding how much time you're going to spend at a gathering or event and activity, block it out on your calendar. Make sure you're blocking out time for rest, self care, exercise, healthy habits, meditation, journaling, whatever those healthy habits are. Don't give those up during the holidays. Don't let those healthy habits go. Maybe it's a spending boundary. So Spending can get out of control. Financial stress can really go up. Talk with your family about spending boundaries and how much is right for you. That's going to be different than everybody. So it could mean making gifts, um, experiences rather than physical gifts, whatever that looks like for you. Emotional boundaries. So noticing your feelings. Taking a pause. If certain conversations trigger you, it's okay to excuse yourself, go take a walk, take some time for yourself, or just a few deep breaths if you need to. And then last, my favorite digital boundaries. So if you're on endless group chats, email, social media, again, if you're taking time off work, there's a pull to be on social media more. Maybe give yourself permission to read a book instead, go for a walk, sit outside, whatever that looks like, limit your time on social media. So these are some really, really practical things that you can do, but I want you to come up with something for you. So I want you to think of one boundary that you can set for yourself. Make it very, very clear and specific and don't use the word try. So, we want to take the word try out of our action statements. What is one boundary that you can set for yourself this holiday season that you commit to? I want you to write it down, I want you to put it in your journal, put it in your calendar if you need to, and then I want you to picture yourself communicating this boundary to whoever needs to be communicated with. And I want you to picture yourself embodying this boundary and think of how good that feels. If you need to share it with other people to help hold yourself accountable, absolutely do that. That can be really, really powerful. I hope this has been helpful for you. Thank you so much for being with us today. I'd love to hear from you if this has been helpful. If you like this episode, please, please rate and review. Or if you're on YouTube, then like and subscribe. This is how more people can find us. Thank you so much. And we'll see you next time. While I am a physician, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and should not be considered medical advice. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Please consult with your own healthcare provider before making any significant changes to your lifestyle or routine. By listening to this podcast, you are not creating a physician patient relationship. Thank you for listening to The Purposeful MD Podcast. If you like what you hear, please rate and review the show. Please also visit my website, www.thepurposefulmd.com for free downloads or to discuss working with me as your coach.