S4E3 - This Isn't About Leaving... But It Might Be: A Teach, Lead or Leave Episode

Curious to know if you are Thriving, Surviving or Stuck? Click here!

After naming the many faces of "stuck," Jenny Cole tackles the defensiveness that conversation stirs up. This isn't teacher-bashing, and it isn't a push to quit - it's about making intentional choices instead of defaulting to guilt, martyrdom, or burnout.

Jenny unpacks why these conversations feel so threatening: our identities get tangled up with our roles, and questioning the job can feel like questioning ourselves. She draws a sharp line between quitting (reactive, driven by escape) and redirecting (intentional, driven by alignment) - and shares her own reckoning with losing her "who-ness" in her "what-ness" after leaving the principalship.

Whether the aligned choice is staying, shifting, pausing, or leaving, Jenny's message is the same: you deserve to make it from clarity, not desperation.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

Did you know there is more? You can access every episode, show notes, links and more via my website Positively Beaming.

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

[00:01:03]

Hello, and welcome back to Positively Leading. I'm Jenny Cole, coach, consultant, and author through my business, Positively Beaming. I'm currently doing a special collection of episodes focusing on the themes in my new book, Teach, Lead or Leave. If you've listened to the previous episodes, you've heard me talk about the many faces of being stuck and why smart, capable, skilled and committed educators end up feeling trapped or confused about their career.

 I reckon that some of you probably had a reaction to that episode.

Maybe it resonated deeply. Maybe you felt seen and understood for the first time in a long while. Maybe some of my examples really hit home.

Or maybe you're thinking, "Well, I'm not ready to leave teaching," or, [00:02:03] "That sounds like teacher bashing, and I'm not a quitter, and teaching's always been hard." Look, I get it. I really do because there's currently quite a narrative in education. This deeply embedded story is that if I'm struggling as a teacher or a leader, that's a you problem.

 You know, we hear it all the time. We see it. You're not resilient enough. You know, you... we need to spend more time and effort on teacher wellbeing. They need to be more resilient. And if you leave at a reasonable time during the day, it's, at the end of the day, it's because you're not committed enough.

 And, teachers just need to try harder. God knows we are given all of the responsibility for a whole range of things that used to be taught and encouraged and modeled in the community and in the church and in sporting groups. And [00:03:03] now all of those things are the responsibility of teachers. On the flip side, there's this other narrative that anyone who talks about educator wellbeing or career transitions must be anti-education.

 And I get that might be a criticism of me. You left your job. You couldn't hack it, and now you're just bashing the system. You're encouraging people to quit. You're just part of the problem of teacher retention. Trust me, it took me years to write my book, Teach, Lead or Leave, because morally and ethically, I did not want one single educator to leave education.

But then I realized that it wasn't a binary between stay or leave. It was a lot more nuanced than that. And you will hear all about that in this podcast and [00:04:03] the book, Teach, Lead or Leave. 

So this podcast is not about leaving teaching, but it might just be about leaving teaching. Let me explain why.

I love education. I spent nearly 20 years in it. I was an education assistant, I was a teacher, I was a leader, I was a principal. I believe deeply in the power of education to change lives. I worked in special education. I worked with the kids with the most severe and challenging behavior, and I believed in their right to an education as equal and as important to the right of an education for a child, a student who is going to do ATAR and then go on to university.

I also know that the education system is deeply flawed. It asks a lot of educators. It normalizes unsustainable [00:05:03] practices. It burns people out at alarming rates.

And I used to say, "If you think you're just a number, it's because you are." In my state, there are 35,000 educators, and so you are just a number. So maybe that's the number of students. You know where I'm going with this. There are a lot of people in government education. Then, of course, there is the Catholic and independent systems.

There are a lot of us.

So, it feels like you're just a number. It feels like the system is flawed. But here's the thing, both things can be true at the same time. Education can be amazing, and can be a deeply moral exercise, and it can also be flawed.

I [00:06:03] now have come to believe that the most pro-education thing I can do is to help educators find the right fit for them. Because miserable, depleted, resentful teachers and leaders do not serve students well. This work, in my podcast, in my book, in my coaching, isn't about encouraging people to leave education, it's about helping people find themselves again, finding alignment, and finding what works best.

For some people, that alignment means staying in their current role, but with different boundaries or expectations. For some of you, it will mean staying in education but finding a different role or a different environment or a different school, something that suits you a little bit better than where you currently are.

And for a lot of you, it might mean planning to take a pause, getting some rest, getting some [00:07:03]recovery, and coming back refreshed and loving your job again. And yes, for some people it might mean leaving education entirely because you've realized that it's no longer aligned with who you are and what you need.

And that's a good thing, right? All of those outcomes are valid. None of them is inherently better or worse than others. What I want for you is to make sure that the choice is intentional. I want you to make sure that that choice is based on clarity and self-awareness, and not on desperation and burnout.

What I find happens when we don't have these conversations is we shame people for struggling, we shame people for questioning, we shame people for wanting to have a side hustle or to do something that brings them joy.

And [00:08:03] look, we do not want people that stay in roles that are destroying them bit by bit until they break. And then they leave anyway, and they leave having destroyed their own self-esteem, but also impacted the people around them. And we don't want anybody else to leave in a crisis like I did.

We want people to stay in education if they might be amazing in a different role, but they didn't know those options existed. Instead, they push through and survive when they're not thriving, and they're not bringing their best selves to work. And everyone, their students, their colleagues, they all pay the price for that.

We all know that person who walks in the door and you say, "How are you?" And they say, "One Powerball and I'm out of here." You know, they bing- bring their big, black, toxic cloud of negativity and rain that shit all over people. So we, we don't, we [00:09:03] don't want to encourage those people out. We want them to encourage them to find a life that is more satisfying, and that might be within education and schools, and it might not be.

We want them to make informed, intentional choices about their careers and their lives. Sometimes that choice is to stay, sometimes that is to shift, sometimes it is to leave. But we want to make sure that we are making it with alignment.

Let's just take two minutes to talk about why there's so much defensiveness around having these conversations in the first place. Look, schools have a bit of a martyrdom culture. We all know it. We've all experienced it. There's this kind of unspoken expectation that you're a real educator if you'll sacrifice everything, your time, your energy, your [00:10:03] health, your relationships, your own children, ironically, in service of other people's children.

And if you dare to say, "I actually like work/life balance, and I need really clear boundaries," or, "This isn't sustainable for me," you're looked upon with suspicion. If you say, "I leave at 4:00 every day because I like to return home to my children," people look at you

Like you're a traitor. Are you really committed? Do you really care about the kids? I cannot tell you how many times I've heard teachers or leaders say some version of, "If you're not willing to put in whatever it takes, you're in the wrong profession." Or, "If you don't get here until 10 minutes before the bell, are you really committed?"

And look, that's absolute garbage. [00:11:03] Wanting boundaries, wanting sustainability, wanting a life that feels deeply satisfying isn't a lack of commitment. Wanting to actually enjoy your life isn't selfish. Wanting work that doesn't consume your entire existence and upset your sleep, isn't proof that you don't care about kids. In fact, I'd actually argue the opposite.

I believe, and I reckon research would bear me out here, educators, and possibly anybody else, are their most effective long term when they've figured out how to sustain themselves, when they've set boundaries, when they've protected their energy and their wellbeing so that they can keep showing up as their best selves.

You know, we talk about wellbeing, and then we don't allow people to practice it. And then that kind of martyrdom culture [00:12:03] that you have to be here long hours and do all the things and, and use your own money for stuff makes it really hard to have conversations about when we're struggling. As recently as today, I followed a Facebook post, and it was a graduate who said, "This is my first class.

I didn't know I was getting it until three days before school started. We are following a scripted program which I don't understand, and I feel like I'm struggling." That poor darlin'. It is day four of a school, of the new school year as I'm recording this, and she already feels like she is failing, yet there is nothing that has been put in place to support that poor person.

So it starts from graduates need to [00:13:03] just have grit and plow through, all the way to the more experienced folk who just need to keep doing it with the same amount of energy that they did it when they were in their 20s. If you admit that you're drowning, it feels like you're admitting that you're not good enough.

If you say, "I don't know how much longer I can do this," you feel like you're letting down the whole team. Just in terms of morale, let alone if you actually left, you'd leave them short-staffed. And if you explore other options, you're betraying your students and your calling. 

You shouldn't have a side hustle, or you shouldn't be looking at other things to do. You should be focused on, on your career and what you're doing, and the students in front of you. And that shame and guilt... Look, shame and guilt has never improved anybody's behavior, their performance, their abilities, or their life satisfaction.

And [00:14:03] you don't need me to tell you that there's nothing noble about destroying yourself for your work, and there's nothing admirable about pushing through until you break. It isn't a virtue, but it is the symptom of a broken system. And acknowledging that the system is broken, and that the expectations are unreasonable, and that the culture is unsustainable is not being a complainer.

That's being honest. However, there is a personal responsibility and accountability for doing what you can do to change you and your situation and your circumstances. Because we can blame the system forever and ever and ever, but we cannot control it. At best, we can influence it. The only thing that you have true influence over is who you are, your wellbeing, and what it is that you can control [00:15:03]And I said in the last episode, there's a reason why these conversations feel really threatening, and it's to do with our identity.

 Being an educator isn't just what we do, it's literally who we are. It's not just employment or a job for most of you. It is actually, you know, it's pretty deep in your psyche. And if nothing else, we're kind of pretty institutionalized by those 10 week sprints, and then a couple of weeks off, and then another 10 weeks, and then another couple of weeks off, and then 10 weeks, and then a couple of weeks off, and then the long school holidays.

And in those two weeks, we get sick because we're exhausted, and then we book all of the appointments that we didn't have time to do because we're not allowed to take time off because we're teachers, right? And when your entire identity is wrapped up in your role, questioning that role feels a little bit [00:16:03] like questioning yourself.

If I'm not a teacher, who am I? If I step down from leadership, does it say that I'm useless? Does it say that I don't want to work as hard if I leave education and do something else? What is that? What do I even do? Look, I remember when I walked out of my principal role, and I have told that story already, and I tell it again in the book Teach, Lead or Leave.

One of the scariest parts wasn't necessarily financial uncertainty or the practical logistics, and trust me, they were pretty scary. It was the identity crisis. My friends were teachers. My colleagues were teachers. I knew how to teach. I'd been an educator for 20 years, a principal for 12. That's who I was.

I had lost my who-ness in my what-ness. Who I [00:17:03] was, Jenny, sister, daughter, creative. That had kind of disappeared, and now I was Jenny Cole, principal, head of the professional association, with various letters after my name. And look, it took me a long time to unravel that identity piece, and suddenly I wasn't all of those things anymore, and I genuinely didn't know who I was and how I was supposed to spend my day.

I had spent the last 12 years in reaction mode, putting out fires, solving people's problems, fixing everything. I'd got quite a lot of kudos from being a creative problem solver, superwoman who could do all things for all people, and all of a sudden that didn't exist anymore.[00:18:03]

So it took me a long time to realize that I could still be someone who cares deeply about education, someone who values learning and growth and development without being a principal, without even being in the system. I've spent the last 15 years supporting teachers, aspiring leaders, new leaders, and veteran leaders to stay skilled, knowledgeable, but also healthy and thriving in their jobs.

I reckon I've had a bigger impact on education in the last 15 years than I did in the 20 years that I was in it. But when you're in the thick of that, thick of things, it's not always obvious. You know, we get stuck in the mud, stuck in the weeds. We can't see the wood for the trees. And so when someone like me comes along and [00:19:03] talks about career transitions and different pathways and the possibility of doing something different, it feels scary, and it feels like I am telling you to stop being who you're being and to be somebody else.

You are so much more than an educator. You are a complex, multifaceted, multi-passionate human with values and strengths and interests and relationships and purposes that exist way beyond your employment. If you're super lucky, you get to bring that into your job. And exploring whether your current role is still a right fit for you isn't betraying who you are, it's honoring who you are.

It's who you are when the people outside education love you [00:20:03] What do people love you for? What do your family love you for? Your spouse? What does your dog love you for? And he certainly doesn't love you for the quality of your duty roster.

For some of you, so far, this has felt a little bit woo-woo, a little bit sort of self-development, self-improvement, a little bit chakras aligning. She's gonna ask me to get out crystals any minute. No, don't panic. I just want you to stop living in your head. It's served you beautifully up until now. You are clever.

You are articulate. You are a good planner. All of that happens in your head, and I want you to just raise awareness of the things that are already happening for you. And then we might shift the awareness into our body and elsewhere, to become aware of what's actually going on for you. I might say this a little later, but [00:21:03] I was gonna say it today.

I was really embarrassed that I was over 40 and had left education before I realized that emotions were called feelings 'cause you felt them in your body, not thought about them in your head. And we've spent so long in our heads that we forget to take notice that our body is screaming, "I don't wanna do this anymore.

I'm feeling restless. I'm feeling anxious. I'm feeling stuck. I'm feeling overwhelmed." We are ignoring all of the cues. So there's just one more, fear that I want to address. We've talked about a change of identity. It's about fear of being seen as a quitter. I actually see this as a superpower, but not everybody's on Team Quit.

Most of us have been taught from our youngest ages that, that quitting anything is bad, that winners never quit and quitters never win, and if you want something hard [00:22:03] enough, you just need to try harder. And in schools and in education, this is a narrative that if you leave, especially if you leave teaching or leadership completely, it's because you couldn't hack it.

Little heads up, I couldn't hack it, but I didn't know why, and now I have some of the insights into what I needed as a leader then that if I knew, I'd probably still be a leader.

And so while my clients very rarely say, "I don't want people to think I'm a quitter," there's this very strong mindset about we need to slog it out. And look, I get it. None of us want to be seen as someone who gives up, and I carried a lot of shame about not being able to do it for a long time. But there is a massive difference between quitting and making a strategic [00:23:03] decision to redirect your energy into a career, job, and life that is gonna serve you better.

Quitting is giving up when things get hard because you don't wanna deal with them. Redirecting is recognizing that you've outgrown a role, or the role is no longer aligned with your values and needs, and intentionally choosing something different. Quitting is reactive. That is what I did. Redirecting is intentional.

That is what I am hoping to share with you through this podcast, through my book, Teach, Lead, Leave, and the various courses that I have designed to go with it. Quitting is about escape. It's about numbing. It's about pretending things don't exist. Redirecting is about alignment, making sure that we are living the way that we want to live.

And look, sometimes to [00:24:03] other people, what looks like quitting is actually your bravest, most aligned thing that you can do. And I cannot tell you the number of people who have said to me over the years, "You must have been so brave to leave." It did not feel like bravery at the time. It felt like I was a complete wuss, and I now know that there were other options that I should have tried, and that's what I'm gonna share with you.

So sometimes quitting is wisdom. Sometimes going backwards is alignment. Sometimes moving on is evolution. So if you're afraid of being seen as a quitter, I want you to ask yourself, am I making this decision from alignment or from fear of what people will think? Because if it's the latter, [00:25:03]you're letting other people's opinions rule your life.

So let me get explicit for a second about what this podcast and the work that I'm doing through Positively Beaming and Teach Lead Leave is actually for. It's for educators, teachers, leaders, others in education who feel stuck, restless, exhausted, confused, overwhelmed about where they are in their careers.

It's for people who are questioning whether or not their current role is the right fit or the right fit for the rest of their career. It's for people who want to make intentional choices about their work and their lives, rather than just defaulting to what's expected or what's familiar. Let me tell you who it's not for.

It is not for people who are perfectly happy in their roles and don't want or need anything to [00:26:03]change. If that's you, fantastic. I am thrilled for you. Honestly, I am, and this is probably not for you. But you know people that would get something out of it, and I would love it if you would share it widely and rate and review so that others can see it.

It is also not about convincing anyone to leave education. I know I just talked about quitting, but that's only one of the six pathways. If your aligned choice is to stay in your current role with better boundaries, I personally will cheer for that just as loudly as I cheer for anyone who decides to leave.

Again, it is not about bashing the system or blaming schools or principals or departments. Yes, there are issues. Yes, there are things that need to change, but this podcast is about what you can control: your choices, your boundaries, your [00:27:03] career decision. It's about expanding your sense of what's possible.

It's about seeing that you have options. It's about helping you understand yourself better, your values, your strengths, your needs, your patterns, so that you can make decisions that align with who you are. I wanna give you permission to prioritize your own wellbeing and life satisfaction without guilt.

Here's the bigger picture and something that I think about quite a lot. Education obviously needs really good people. It needs dedicated, skilled, passionate educators who care about students and growth. But it also needs healthy people. It needs people who are sustainable, who have energy, who are thriving and not just surviving.

And we know that we are losing good people at alarming rates, not because they don't care, not because they're not committed, but because the system is burning them out. What if instead we helped people [00:28:03] navigate those transitions with clarity and intention? Wouldn't it be lovely if we supported educators in finding roles and environments where they could truly thrive?

I genuinely believe if we retain more good educators, if we have these conversations early and we give permission for people to talk to their line manager, to their coach, to their therapist about these issues. And yes, some people would still leave, but they would leave in a healthier way and maintaining a connection with education in its different forms, rather than burning bridges or burning out or being toxic.

If you are feeling defensive or worried that this podcast is about encouraging you to quit, I hope that this episode has given you a little reassurance. I haven't told you how we're gonna do all of these things yet. It [00:29:03] isn't about leaving or staying, it's about choosing. And if you're someone who loves your current role and isn't questioning anything, again, that's wonderful.

Genuinely, I feel really thrilled for you. There were many years in my 18 years that I loved every single second of it.

But if you're someone who's struggling, someone who's questioning, someone who's feeling stuck or restless, it doesn't mean you're betraying education or your students. It honestly means you're probably betraying yourself.

In the next episode, we're gonna talk about something that often gets overlooked in career conversations, and that is kind of life stages. Because the job that fitted you perfectly at 25 with no kids probably feels completely wrong at 45 with a household full of tiny humans that you have to keep alive.

And that's not because you've failed, but, you know, situations change. You've evolved, and your work needs to evolve with [00:30:03] you. Look, thank you for sticking with me through this episode. I know there was a lot of talking, and it may have felt a little uncomfortable or confronting, but I do believe, that we need to have honest conversations about educator wellbeing and career satisfaction without shame and defensiveness.

You deserve work that aligns with who you are, and you deserve to feel energized rather than depleted, and you deserve to make choices that honor your whole life, not just your work life. What I'm advocating for isn't anti-education, it's pro-human. It's pro you. I'm Jenny Cole, CEO of Positively Beaming and author of Teach, Lead and Leave.

Thank you so much for joining me, and I will see you in the next episode.