Man (Un)Caved
Welcome to Man (Un)caved podcast where we explore the complex landscape of masculinity in men. Hosted by facilitator /life coach Shane Coyle, this podcast delves deep into the multifaceted nature of what it means to be a man in today's world.
Join us as we embark on a thought-provoking journey, navigating through topics such as societal expectations, emotional intelligence, mental health, relationships, and personal growth. Each episode features insightful discussions, personal anecdotes, and expert interviews, providing listeners with valuable insights and tools to navigate their own journey towards authentic manhood.
Whether you're a man seeking to understand and redefine your masculinity, or someone interested in gaining a deeper understanding of the male experience, this podcast offers a safe and inclusive space for meaningful conversations.
Join the conversation as we challenge stereotypes, celebrate diversity, and embrace the richness of masculinity in all its forms. Tune in to Man (Un)caved and discover a new perspective on what it truly means to be a man.
"Not until we are willing to come out of hiding, will we truly experience our greatest potential"
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Man (Un)Caved
(Un)raveling: The Power of Meaning and the Dance with Shame
Ever grappled with the notion that our past doesn't shape us, but rather the meaning we ascribe to it does? Unraveling Adlerian Psychology's powerful assertion. In this episode, I guide listeners through "The Courage to Be Disliked," a book that pulls back the curtain on the profound impact of our choices. This dialogue-driven exploration isn't just a theoretical jaunt; it's a transformative journey that compares Adler's beliefs with the insights of Victor Frankl, Carl Jung, and even the musings of ancient Greek philosophers. As we dissect these conversations, we uncover the sheer magnitude of self-determination and the audacity it takes to carve out a life that truly reflects who we are, underneath the layers of social expectation.
Then, we venture into the dual-edged sword of shame—how it can serve as both an anchor dragging us to the depths and a springboard launching us into growth. By examining the narratives in "The Courage to Be Disliked," we challenge the stigma around shame and instead consider how it can forge the path to bravery and self-acceptance. Literature has the power to stretch our minds, and this book is no exception; it demands that we confront our views and reassess our understanding of courage. Join the conversation and share how this philosophical deep dive has nudged you towards redefining the courage in your own life, on Man, Uncaved.
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"The Courage To Be Disliked"
By: Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga
Alright, hey everybody, welcome back to Men in Cave Again. My name is Shane Coyle. We have some unpacking to do so in this one I don't know, we call it a book club, this one. I'd like to take a look at a book that I have been currently reading that I find pretty fascinating. I'm always reading books and this is an existing joke with a great friend of mine and the joke is about how many books that we have. We have like 20 on our nightstand. Our bookshelf is full. We have audio books. We buy a book and then we read maybe the first three, four, five chapters and we buy another book. I don't know if I was to dig a little bit. I think I have a commitment issue somewhere in there. But hey, take a number, add it to the list of things somebody needs to work through. But anyway, let's get back into our show. I actually heard about this book from another healer doing very similar work, and he talked about it and the way that he described it really piqued an interest. It's called the Courage to Be Disliked, and I don't want to kill the author's name, so what I'm going to do is I'm going to put it in the description below and you can check it out Again. The title is called the Courage to Be Disliked. Let me set the stage a little bit.
Speaker 1:This book is based off of the workings of Alfred Adler, known as Adlerian Psychology, and for those that don't tend to come from the psychology world this name might not sound too familiar. However, adler was one of the giants in the start of the psychoanalysis in the School of Thought and Psychology, along with Freud and, of course, carl Jung. Just like Carl Jung, who studied under Freud kind of broke off into his own theories. He really brought to light this idea of what's called the shadow, the shadow world, these very subconscious, unconscious parts of self, as well as the archetype. So when you hear shadow or dealing with archetypes, we must give homage to Carl Jung. And Adler kind of broke off from the School of Thought with Freud as far as not being so deterministic or ideological with Freud's theory of for simplicity reasons more of a cause and effect. With Adler he tend to look at finding the purpose in our life, and if we can't find purpose in our life we will engage in disturbing type behaviors. Again, this is really in simplistic forms due to it's such a broad topic that would take up the whole podcast time.
Speaker 1:The book really explores this idea of choice, choice within the present moment. Again, there's a lot of other theories that have been related to this. Victor Franco could be one, with his logo theory and finding the purpose in life. Obviously, we have Carl Jung, and life isn't what happens to us, it's who we choose to become. There's great Greek philosophies, even with Socrates, that come from this type of modality, as well as connecting threads to John Paul Sartre with existentialism.
Speaker 1:I want to pull out a couple of interesting quotes here In this book. It's interesting. It is a dialogue between this gentleman and this youth and they're kind of going in this debate about is it a choice? This gentleman doesn't want to be unhappy anymore. So is this a choice or is this not a choice? And we follow these two individuals, one recognizing, calling themselves the philosopher and the other one the youth.
Speaker 1:In this book this is actually from Adler. It says no experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experience, the so-called trauma, but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purpose. We are not determined by our experiences, but by the meaning we give. Them is self-determining. Sitting with that that was a lot, so just kind of sit with that for a second and let's kind of break that down.
Speaker 1:As far as this approach, now, look, I have come in the psychology department, you know, and you probably heard in past episodes. So we do look at right, we look, you know childhood and the belief systems and the inner child and all that stuff, and they're not saying that isn't part of it, they're saying that is part of it and we make choices. Even in those choices are unconsciously, subconscious, we do make choices and within those choices fulfill that purpose. They can fulfill that. So within this book, this dialogue is actually bringing awareness around choice or not choice. So within this back and forth dialogue, it brings great questions Do we have to go there or is it in the present moment we get to make choices, even amongst all of those belief systems? Now again, because I do come from that modality, this very Freudian, psychoanalytical, you know somatic, where we look at all these things, we're dealing with parts, we're dealing with belief systems and narratives, but they're saying, why do we need to go there? That even though we did make choices unconsciously via through that experience, that means that in the present moment. We can also make another choice. Now they're not saying denying that that choice that you made served a purpose for at that time, but why do we have to keep focusing on that? The idea is to make choices in the present moment of what we want to do with that. So that idea of you know the cards, we've been dealt great, so now how do you want to play with your cards?
Speaker 1:It goes back to this thing that I was told a long time ago that transformation is instantaneous. So it kind of gives way, and this Adler approach gives way into that. It's that instantaneously we can make a conscious choice. Yes, those were unconscious, those were unconscious things and while we created our behaviors, yes, we get the survival. Yes, they fulfill the certain need. However, in the present moment, we can bring a sense of consciousness in there and we can move forward from that place.
Speaker 1:And what he's saying is within that. It's going to take courage and this is really interesting for me. I've mentioned before where my journey started. I got clean from my substance. I started in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. Now, if you've ever been in a room, or some of you have ever heard this before, it's not pertaining just to Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous or Code dependence, and it's not particularly just for those. It's just a saying, the Serenity Prayer where it says grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference, breaking that down, putting into this kind of modality this is where it becomes really interesting for me, because the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change. We're going down some interesting wormholes for a second. So we're all going to put it together Again. Remember, my old idea is put it in a package. You get the home recovery game. You get to sit at home and play this and play this with your friends. That's my hopes, okay, so, taking that idea of the things that we cannot change from the Serenity Prayer, we're going to jump back into the book and read a quote from it.
Speaker 1:Does fixating on what you were born with change the reality? That was so yummy that I'm going to go ahead and repeat it one more time. Does fixating on what you were born with change the reality? Insert long pause for dramatic effect, matching it up with this idea of to accept the things that I cannot change, we're not going to change. I am not going to change my abandonment from my past. I'm not going to change the abuse and the molestation from my past. I just can't do that.
Speaker 1:There, within, there is the acceptance, the courage to accept, to change the things that I can. The courage and this is what this Adler modality is based around is the psychology of courage In the present moment. What can I change in the now and again? You can put this in many categories of what you can change in the now, what you cannot change. So I'm just using it from this place. That idea is can I exhibit the courage?
Speaker 1:And what they're talking about is we stay because within the new lifestyle, you know, the idea is that we consciously, unconsciously, make decisions, and we make decisions to live. And I'll just use this idea of unhappiness. And if you pick up the book, you'll kind of hear these two dialogues going back about well, how did I make the choice to be unhappy? I don't want to be unhappy. And so the philosopher quote unquote therapist is talking about well, you are making a choice to stay unhappy and within that choice, whether you're conscious of it or not, is obviously predictable. And when things are predictable, it causes less anxiety. It causes our world to be structured. We know how to navigate through those things. Even though it is completely dysfunctional, even though you're unhappy, you are consciously and unconsciously making a choice. To make a choice, to exhibit a sense of courage to do something different, that would create unpredictability, and unpredictability this lack of structure, like I might have said before, lack of structure causes anxiety. We don't know how to navigate into that new life. Now, these theories are not new.
Speaker 1:The idea is what do you want to do from this moment? And what do you want to do in this moment to make changes in your life? And if you're going to make changes in your life from this moment, like I always say, this is the first moment of the rest of your life. From this moment, what do you want to do? Yes, I got shit in my past too. I've done shit in my past too, and I was actually exploring this in a group dynamic just actually yesterday, and the gentleman was spiraling into his shame what I did in the past, what I caused, and there is an understanding.
Speaker 1:Look, I do believe we should feel a sense of shame. I think shame lets us know God that hurt, and I heard other people in that If we don't feel that sense of shame, we act. Shame less, where we can actually create more pain for ourselves and others. So I think there's a healthy component to shame and, as we're exploring in this gentleman in the group, you could spiral in your shame. You can live in the past and you can see that. But what's available now? Now, what's available from this moment on moving forward, instead of this idea of spiraling down more into his shame and wherever that takes him, you can actually spiral up from your shame and so there is a definitely change in behavior. Now what would that look like? Is you're going to have to create courage, and so that's kind of the idea behind this book the Courage to Be Disliked. It's a phenomenal book. I can't put it down, and it does. It kind of ruptures a lot of our own ideas as far as deterministic, as far as a cause and effect, and they're not denying that stuff has happened. You know cultural, family systems, your environment, I mean all of those exists, and we still have the ability to choose within the present moment.
Speaker 1:I like to visit these, sometimes just introducing people to new books of my interest. If you have some books that you find interesting, please let me know. And the reason why is learning about different modalities, thought processes and theories. It really takes us from being a one-dimensional person to a multi-dimensional person, and this is very important that I found on my own healing journey because you have more to pull from, more ways of looking, more perspectives to see this situation from, and so if you're a bookworm like myself and want to challenge yourself to what I always say, have conscious shocks to the system and basically seeing things from these different perspectives, check this out, the courage to be disliked.
Speaker 1:Again, I don't want to slaughter the names of the authors. I think they're Japanese names and I just don't want to do that. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to put them in the description down below. Check it out. It might be an audio book. Apparently, this is an international bestseller with over 3 million copies sold. It's a really fascinating book and let me know what you think. Let me know what you think If you read it. It's a very easy read, by the way. You don't have to have a degree to understand what they're talking about. It's just a dialogue going back and forth. I would love to know what you think about the book. I would love to know what you think about this episode. And again, my name is Shane Coyle. This is man, Uncaved. We need to come out of hiding you, you.