Man (Un)Caved
Welcome to Man (Un)caved podcast where we explore the complex landscape of masculinity in men. Hosted by facilitator /life coach Shane Coyle, this podcast delves deep into the multifaceted nature of what it means to be a man in today's world.
Join us as we embark on a thought-provoking journey, navigating through topics such as societal expectations, emotional intelligence, mental health, relationships, and personal growth. Each episode features insightful discussions, personal anecdotes, and expert interviews, providing listeners with valuable insights and tools to navigate their own journey towards authentic manhood.
Whether you're a man seeking to understand and redefine your masculinity, or someone interested in gaining a deeper understanding of the male experience, this podcast offers a safe and inclusive space for meaningful conversations.
Join the conversation as we challenge stereotypes, celebrate diversity, and embrace the richness of masculinity in all its forms. Tune in to Man (Un)caved and discover a new perspective on what it truly means to be a man.
"Not until we are willing to come out of hiding, will we truly experience our greatest potential"
Need support? Our free recovery services and weekly support groups are here to help both individuals and families affected by addiction and mental health challenges. You don’t have to do this alone. Schedule a free, confidential call today and start the healing process for everyone involved.
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Man (Un)Caved
(Un)covered: Breaking the Chains of Black-and-White Thinking, Childhood Trauma, and the Path to Emotional Balance
Unlock the secret to breaking free from the chains of black-and-white thinking and transforming your relationships and decision-making skills. We promise you'll gain valuable insights into how this cognitive distortion can wreak havoc on your emotional well-being and learn practical strategies to overcome it. In this episode, I unpack the insidious nature of viewing life in extreme binaries—either perfect or disastrous—and explore how this mindset can lead to conflict, procrastination, and avoidance. Discover the crucial role of self-awareness and therapeutic interventions in fostering emotional balance and relational harmony, especially for those grappling with anxiety, depression, or trauma.
Our journey doesn't stop there. We also explore the profound impact of childhood trauma on developing these rigid thought patterns. Learn how inconsistent caregiving can drive children to categorize their experiences in absolutes, creating a distorted perception of safety and love. We'll expose how conditional love based on performance can deeply embed this mindset, leading to unrealistic expectations in adulthood. Tune in as we illuminate the path to healthier relationships and personal growth by unraveling the complex origins of black-and-white thinking—and offering actionable solutions for change.
Welcome to today's episode of man Uncaved. I am Shane. We are going to explore black or white thinking patterns, and if you find yourself viewing life through the lens of extremes, where everything is either perfect or it's a total disaster, let me first say that you are not alone. This mindset can create barriers in our relationships and can often lead to irrational decision-making. Again, you're-making. Again, you're not alone, gentle, gentle, on this path. We're going to explore that today on man and Cape.
Speaker 1:So what is black or white thinking? I know we've heard this before it's either black or white thinking. You might've heard all or nothing type thinking. Well, these are. It's really. It's a cognitive distortive pattern. It's an attempt to simplify complex situations into binary categories. I know that was a mouthful, but stay with me, we're going to break this down.
Speaker 1:This approach can not only cloud our judgments, but it can also hinder our abilities to find balance and solutions in our life when we live in these extreme thought processes. We're going to talk about that later on today, but it can leave us feeling trapped and frustrated. We can struggle to navigate life in the gray zones because it's only this or it's only that. So, first off, what are some of the pain points we might endure if we are finding ourselves in these extreme thinking patterns. Well, we can have difficulty expressing emotions, we can strain in relationships by placing unrealistic expectations on these relationships, of course, ultimately breaking down the relationships, leading to resentments, miscommunications. And again, when we talk about relationships, this could be friendships, this could be romantic family systems. As well as a pain point within black or white thinking patterns can be the inability to make decisions. This could lead to a sense of paralysis, feeling that stuckness in making choices, or we can make very rash choices, very impulsive choices.
Speaker 1:So black or white thinking pattern, first off, is common, so it can affect many people at various points in our lives. Again, gentle, gentle, you're not alone. It often emerges during times of stress. What I found is that often I see it, a lot is during these times of stress or emotional turmoil, and it's frequency can seen in the individuals dealing with anxiety, depression or other symptoms of trauma. We're going to talk about that later on as it relates to adverse childhood experiences.
Speaker 1:This type of thinking can manifest in everyday situations and can influence how people view relationships. Again, make decisions, but ultimately how we handle conflicts, but ultimately how we handle conflicts, while it might not be the primary thinking for everybody. Many individuals have experiences at some level, particularly when faced with challenges, circumstances or when they try to cope with complex situations or complex emotions. So understanding its prevalence, so understanding its prevalence can help understand it more effectively, and we're going to talk about this through self-awareness and therapeutic modalities. Now, black or white thinking can significantly hinder awareness. So let's take a deeper exploration of how this all-or-nothing thinking can impact an individual's life.
Speaker 1:Well, one black or white thinking could impact relationships, again, romantic relationships, friendships, family systems. Ultimately, it's going to affect the relationship we have ourself because, within the relationship, it creates a sense of perfectionism. Again, it has to be all this or that, so this the individual can expect their partner and place unrealistic expectations or standards on their partners. Obviously, it's going to lead to disappointment because we're perfectly imperfect. We're not going to meet all of this all the time. Especially, we're going to see it more when these expectations aren't met, which ultimately leads to resentments and to further the conflict, ultimately leading to the demise of the relationship. It also can affect relationships by putting them into binary choices, viewing the relationships as either very successful or failing. This can prevent individuals from appreciating the complexity that comes with loving partnerships. Relationships are a flow. It's not this, it's not that, it's and this, and that it is a nice flow. Relationships are very complex. Again, remember, we are all coming from our own stories of life or we're bringing in our past experiences and we might not see them. And so there is a nice flow, but putting it into these binary choices, into this black or white construct, struggles, because we can't see those shades of gray, we can't sit in that. Another area is conflict escalation. So this can create extreme perspectives. So, amongst the conflict within the relationship, the thinker can perceive their partner's actions as being wholly negative or dismissive and in that we can ignore the nuances of their intentions and ultimately this could escalate the dispute even more, creating more hostile environments.
Speaker 1:Black or white thinking can also find difficulty of forgiveness. We can hold this all or nothing mindset can make it challenging for forgiving mistakes. Again, we all make mistakes, each one of us, especially in partnerships. We all make mistakes. So viewing them from a total failure rather than opportunity for growth, it becomes fixed. It's a fixed mindset.
Speaker 1:All or nothing can create the fear of vulnerability. It can create emotional walls. Individuals may avoid vulnerability for the feeling that they're showing any weakness for the fear of rejection. So again you can see where there could be some deep roots in childhood development rejection, abandonment. Well, ultimately this could prevent genuine connection and intimacy relationship. If we all have walls built around us, then we cannot flow because that fear again the rigidity of black or white thinking, creates a wall and that will limit anybody from coming in as well as limiting our own self from coming out.
Speaker 1:This matter can create challenges in decision making, so it creates a paralysis and if we're part of this where decision, when we face with choices, we can struggle to make decisions, feeling that we might choose the wrong option. If we are fearing that we can make the wrong option, then we can live in procrastination or complete avoidance at all costs. You can live in procrastination or complete avoidance at all costs and talking about these with black or white thinking or extreme thinking patterns. I see this a lot within the world of addiction patterns and again, doesn't just live within substances and alcohol. There's many different addictive behavior processes. We've talked about codependency, sex, love, money, workaholism, shopping, gambling, food. All of the many manifestations of addiction can live in this extreme thinking patterns.
Speaker 1:Black or white can create overthinking so individuals might overanalyze the situation, focusing on worst case scenarios, which can lead to overwhelming thoughts and getting more stuck into a vicious loop. It can create the inability to adapt, resistance to change. Black or white thinking hinders flexibility. Again, think about black or white thinking All or nothing. There's no flexibility, there's no fluidity there, making it difficult to adapt to new information or changing circumstances. This rigidity can prevent us effectively from problem solving, and we're going to talk a little bit about that as it relates to the idea of what's called predictability and how black or white thinking allows an individual to have a sense of control and live in predictability in their life. Reducing the attempts is to reduce the anxiety. If I have control and I can live in predictability, then the world can be safe. We're going to look at that later as it relates to deep roots in adverse childhood experiences, the wounded child trauma, and so we're going to take a look at that.
Speaker 1:Blackaway thinking could drastically affect personal growth and self-awareness. It's a lack of insight. Individuals may struggle to reflect on their own behaviors and feelings as they tend to label their experiences and extremes, the limiting belief and their ability to learn from the mistakes and grow again. It creates such a fixed mindset. It is only this and it or it is only that. And what I've talked about before it's this and it's that and within that space between this and that there's shades of gray. It can have difficulty recognizing our own patterns Again, I just was talking about that so we can have struggles with recognizing our own patterns within the relationships and making decisions preventing from the emotional growth I talked about that just a second ago. But also it greatly affects emotional regulation skills. Black or white thinkings can lead to heightened emotional responses, so reactivity, making it challenging to respond to situations with clarity and a sense of calmness. And obviously this can result to more reactivity within relationships again, romantic friendships and family and escalate more tension, more miscommunication, more relationship breakdowns. So let's take a deep dive now and let's take a step and look at the origins of a lot of this.
Speaker 1:The connections into childhood trauma. A child who perceives the world in absolutes may be due to the inconsistency within the trauma. The child learns to navigate life by categorizing their experiences into good or bad. See, mom is either good or she's bad. Dad is either good or he's bad. And this is due to the inconsistencies and we're going to get into this modeling behaviors within our primary caregivers. It's not supportive of the child or the environment isn't supportive of the child. So the child really splits it into this black or white thinking where, when a child is met with love, patience, understanding, the child can live in dad is bad and he's good, mom is bad and she's good. So it leaves that gray zone.
Speaker 1:But again, the inconsistencies, the modeling, the environmental factors, the child starts to put it into two categories, splits it into bad or good. So now the world is unsafe. The world is either safe, sorry, or it's entirely threatening. See the black or white. It's either safe or it's threatening. This leads to very rigid lines that we just can't maintain because life doesn't live within that. So we take that into our relationships and the world into our adulthood. Another area that has been linked to how we can live within these black or white patterns is the conditional ways that love was shown, where our love was solely based on performance grades how well you did in soccer and where love was received only when you're doing good, you receive the love. When you're not getting the A's, when you're not making the all-star team or whatever that might be, love is pulled away. So this can a child will internalize his belief. You must be perfect or else you face rejection. So the child either has to be perfect or they face rejection.