Man (Un)Caved

(Un)told: Transforming Lives with the Art of Truth

• Shane Coyle • Season 2 • Episode 6

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This episode invites listeners to explore the narratives that shape their lives and the concept of radical honesty as a tool for liberation. Through storytelling, Shane emphasizes the importance of identifying and breaking free from limiting beliefs that hinder our true selves.

• Examining the psychological impact of storytelling
• Recognizing whose narrative we are living
• The effects of childhood stories and societal expectations
• Understanding the moral principles that dictate behavior
• The relationship between lying and mental health struggles
• Differentiating between social lies and self-betrayals
• Practical steps to embrace radical honesty
• Strategies for improving authenticity in communication
• Encouragement to explore Dr. Blanton's book for deeper insights
• Invitation to practice self-reflection and radical honesty

If you liked this episode, please share it.  If you enjoyed this episode, please, please, please, write a review. It helps get the word out for other people to find it, and to find me. 

Speaker 1:

We're natural meaning makers. We're constantly crafting narratives about who we are, where we've been and actually where we're going. In the stories we tell ourselves about our abilities, our relationships, our potential have the capacity and have the power to either limit us or they can set us free. Limit us or they can set us free. Hey everybody, welcome back to Men Uncaved Again. My name is Shane. Tonight let's talk about stories. Now, many of you have heard me before talk about the world is made up of stories, so let's talk about that and lead into our subject tonight. Let's talk about that and lead into our subject tonight. Stories, these ancient universal threads that have woven humanity together for thousands of years. Since the beginning of time, we've relied on stories to explain our world, to share wisdom and to create connection. Whether around campfires or etched into cave walls or written in sacred text, stories have been our guide to understand life, each other and even ourselves. Let's think about it for a minute. Every major religion, from Christianity, hinduism, islam, buddhism and Judaism they are all built on stories. These stories are of creation, of redemption. They discuss struggles and hope. These narratives aren't just teachings. They're actually blueprints for how to live, how to treat one another and how to find meaning in our existence. But here's the thing Stories aren't just a cultural or historical phenomenon. They're deeply, deeply psychological. Neuroscience tells us that when we hear a story, our brains fire and engage on a level far beyond logic and language See. Stories activate multiple regions of the brain. They can spark emotions and memories, and even mirror neurons, which makes us feel as though we're experiencing the story ourselves. So this is why stories resonate so deeply with us. They don't just tell us facts, they make us feel them. When we hear about a hero overcoming adversity, we're inspired because we see a piece of ourselves in that struggle. When a story of love and connection unfolds, it actually touches our desire for belonging and understanding. And so psychologists also suggest that storytelling is how we make sense of our lives. We're natural meaning makers. We're constantly crafting narratives about who we are, where we've been and actually where we're going. In the stories we tell ourselves about our abilities, our relationships, our potential have the capacity and have the power to either limit us or they can set us free. So here's a question Whose story are you living? From the moment we're born, we are surrounded by narratives. Our family tells us stories of how we should be. Society defines what success looks like. Our culture outlines the right way to live.

Speaker 1:

These stories can provide structure, but they actually can also become cages that limit who we are and what we believe we're actually capable of. So let's take a moment, let's think back into childhood. Maybe you were told you had to be a good kid and that's indirect, direct, maybe overt or covert. Maybe you had to be the smart one or the quiet one. Now those labels can stick. They can shape how we see our actual selves for years, even decades. Or perhaps society told you that your worth depends on your achievements or appearance. These stories can disconnect us from our true selves, making us feel like strangers or even orphans in our own lives. Psychologically, this is actually a form of abandonment, but that abandonment is not by others. It's actually us, by ourselves. When we internalize these limiting narratives, we lose touch with our innate potential, our authentic desires and then a unique path we're meant to walk. But here's the good news Just as stories can actually bind us, they can also set us free. The first step in recognizing the inherited narratives that no longer serve us is to ask yourself whose voice is this? Whose expectation am I living by?

Speaker 1:

In his book Radical Honesty, dr Brad Blanton examines these underlying narratives we've adopted via family, culture, religion, society. He describes these stories as moral principles Dr Blanton's core ideas in his critique of what he calls the moralist lenses. Now, according to him, most people live their lives based on rigid moral principles taught to us from an early age. These principles often dictate how we should behave, what's right or wrong and how we're expected to interact with the world. Now Blanton argues that these principles, while intended to create order, often become oppressive when we blur the lines of family and social constructs with who we are. This leaves us to be more willing to seek appearance and societal approval over our own authenticity. According to Blanton, this is where we learn to lie. When we feel the pressure to conform to moral expectations, we're more likely to lie to avoid judgment or punishment. Dr Blanton later links lying to mental health struggles like stress, anxiety, depression, a lack of happiness and anger, to name a few. In his books he states anger, to name a few. In his books he states moralism and lying go hand in hand.

Speaker 1:

Being good or looking good, consciously valued, lead directly to lying If you can fool a nun into believing you are good, like they want you to be, you could secretly do what you want Now, now. Now, if you're saying to yourself no, no, no, no, look, I don't lie, you're actually lying right now. But don't worry, see, we're all liars, we can all tell little to big lies some of the time. So imagine that a situation where someone asks you for an honest opinion about their work. Where someone asks you for an honest opinion about their work If you think their work is subpar but feel obligated to say it's great to avoid hurting their feelings, you're lying. Now, this is not out of malice, but out of an adherence to a moral principle of kindness. See, to be kind is how most of us identify based on these moral principles. From our parents, our teachers and society, these principles or conditionings become a rigid standard, a role and rules we must abide by.

Speaker 1:

Blanton later writes after enough role-playing and idealism, our whole way of orienting ourselves in the world depends on principles of orientation rather than the ability to respond as needed based on what we perceive. So then, why do we lie? Well, dr Blanton's perspective is that lying often stems from fear Fear of rejection, conflict or losing control. But actually, but more deeply, it's tied to the way we've been conditioned to live according to these moralist rules and these roles. See, these rules make us believe that certain parts of ourselves are unacceptable or unlovable, and this will lead us to hide or distort the truth. So before we continue, let me just discuss.

Speaker 1:

In his book he talks about there's two different types of lies. Blanton differentiates what is called the social lies, which is a small, habitual lie we tell to fit in, and a self-betrayal lie, where we deny our own feelings, desires or beliefs to maintain a sense of moral righteousness. Now think about a time you agreed to do something you didn't want to do, like attend an event out of obligation. You may have said I love to come, even though you were dreading it. This is a classic example of a societal-driven lie by the fear of appearing rude or selfish. So we lie sometimes.

Speaker 1:

So what If they are small little lies? What harm can that cause, you ask? Well, lying might seem harmless or even necessary at times, but Dr Blanton argues that it comes with significant consequences. When we lie, we create a gap between who we are and how we present ourself to the world. Now this gap leads to stress and anxiety and a sense of disconnection, both from others and especially from ourselves, and neuroscience also supports this idea. There have been studies that show lying activates the brain's stress response, increasing cortisol levels and putting us in a state of heightened anxiety. Now, over time, this can lead to chronic mental health issues like depression and low self-esteem.

Speaker 1:

Now, as I mentioned many times before, I started my healing journey, overcoming a drug addiction. So I went into treatment center after treatment center seeking help and as part of the program of the rehab we had to attend AA meetings. Within the 12 steps of AA, interwoven therapy, is this underlying teaching of rigorous honesty. So we also hear this echoed in the sacred text when Jesus says the truth will set you free. Dr Blanton shares the story of a client who felt constantly exhausted and disconnected in their marriage. Through radical honesty, they realized they had been lying about their true feelings and needs for years. But by practicing radical honesty they not only improved their relationship but also regained a sense of vitality and self-respect. Okay, all right.

Speaker 1:

If you made it this far during the episode, I guess you're probably wondering well, say Shane, how do we break free from this moralist lens and the habit of lying? Well, we don't. We're all doomed everybody. So good luck out there and good night. But seriously, before I get to that million dollar question, I must remind us that breaking free from patterns is a practice and, just like learning an instrument or sports or going to the gym, it can be frustrating and it won't always be perfect. Even if you have been practicing for years, you will still not get it perfect every time. So I remind everybody gentle, gentle with self as you are growing.

Speaker 1:

Now Dr Blanton talks about in his book about radical honesty approaches. He offers some types of guidelines and principles. One he talks about tell the truth in real time. Share your thoughts and feelings as they occur, rather than editing or suppressing them to fit moral expectations. Two stop managing others' reactions. Blanton emphasizes that honesty isn't about controlling how others perceive you. It's about being true to yourself, even if it's uncomfortable. And three owning your mistakes. Radical honesty doesn't mean you'll never mess up. It means acknowledging your errors openly and using them as opportunities to grow.

Speaker 1:

Now that in itself we talk about that when program and just transformation itself, that is for me, accountability. Clearing your side of the street, clearing what your errors are, your shortcomings are, your misacting out, owning that rigorous honesty, cleaning your side of the street. Now you can start practicing radical honesty in actually small ways. Here's an example If you're feeling tired and someone invites you out, try saying I'm feeling drained and I need rest tonight, instead of inventing any other excuses of why you can't go. Just I am feeling tired and I need to rest. We embrace radical honesty. We can free ourselves from this mental and emotional burdens of lying. According to Blanton, this practice not only improves our relationships, but also it actually enhances our well-being, reducing stress and fostering deeper connections with friendships and partnership. If you're curious about exploring this practice, try starting with one conversation where you commit to being completely honest. Now notice how it feels and what are the shifts in the dynamic. Notice how it feels in your body. Notice your breathing rhythm. Notice the dynamics in the dialogue. What is shifting in there? Do you feel there's more safety? Do you feel there's more trust building there? These are some practicing tools.

Speaker 1:

If you are interested in learning more, I do highly suggest getting Dr Blanton's book Again. It's called Radical Honesty. It's a great book. He goes into more depth about what I talked. This was just a quick snapshot for the episode to kind of get you excited about this. If you like this episode, please share it. It helps people maybe find the tools that they need to get into their honesty. And if you enjoyed this episode, please, please, please, write a review. It helps get the word out for other people to find it, to find me to get whatever healing they need. Again, my name is Shane Coyle. This is man Uncaved. We need to come out of hiding.