Man (Un)Caved
Welcome to Man (Un)caved podcast where we explore the complex landscape of masculinity in men. Hosted by facilitator /life coach Shane Coyle, this podcast delves deep into the multifaceted nature of what it means to be a man in today's world.
Join us as we embark on a thought-provoking journey, navigating through topics such as societal expectations, emotional intelligence, mental health, relationships, and personal growth. Each episode features insightful discussions, personal anecdotes, and expert interviews, providing listeners with valuable insights and tools to navigate their own journey towards authentic manhood.
Whether you're a man seeking to understand and redefine your masculinity, or someone interested in gaining a deeper understanding of the male experience, this podcast offers a safe and inclusive space for meaningful conversations.
Join the conversation as we challenge stereotypes, celebrate diversity, and embrace the richness of masculinity in all its forms. Tune in to Man (Un)caved and discover a new perspective on what it truly means to be a man.
"Not until we are willing to come out of hiding, will we truly experience our greatest potential"
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Man (Un)Caved
(Un)convinced: Cringe-Free Compliments - Humility, Self-Worth, and the Acceptance Tango
Ever found yourself squirming when someone pays you a compliment? Join me, Shane Coyle, as I share my own awkward stumbles and triumphs in learning to accept praise without cringing. We tackle the intriguing question: Why is it so difficult for many of us to embrace kindness and compliments? By unraveling the fears of arrogance, imposter syndrome, and harsh self-criticism, we uncover how deeply-rooted cultural norms and childhood conditioning steer us toward humility at the expense of self-celebration. Through candid storytelling and reflection, we take the journey toward becoming more gracious receivers of admiration and appreciation.
Together, we'll explore how embracing vulnerability is key to recognizing our worthiness. Accepting compliments isn't about diminishing our successes; it's an acknowledgment of our deserving nature. By opening ourselves up to the joy of being recognized, we not only affirm our value but also allow those offering kindness to feel appreciated. It's a dual dance of giving and receiving, where both parties are uplifted. As we focus on compassion and understanding, remember, it's about progress—not perfection. I'm eager to hear your thoughts and experiences on this topic, so let's embark on this journey of self-acceptance and mutual appreciation.
Why is it hard for us to accept a compliment or kindness without immediately dismissing it or downplaying it? So today we're going to unpack why we struggle with receiving compliments or gestures of kindness, what is at the root of this discomfort and, most importantly, how can we become a gracious receiver? Welcome back to Men Uncaved. I am your host, shane Coyle. Today we are going to explore a topic that might feel a little uncomfortable for some of us, but one that's incredibly powerful being a gracious receiver Now. Just speaking honestly and vulnerably, I have a hard time accepting compliments. We've all been there. Someone gives you a compliment, a kind gesture, a word of appreciation, and what do you do? We brush it off, maybe it's we deflect it with a joke, maybe if we feel a little awkward or uncomfortable. So why do we do this? Why is it hard for us to accept a compliment or kindness without immediately dismissing it or downplaying it? So today we're going to unpack why we struggle with receiving compliments or gestures of kindness, what is at the root of this discomfort and, most importantly, how can we become a gracious receiver Now? Being able to receive with grace isn't just about saying thank you. It's about fully embracing the love and appreciation that others are trying to give us and allowing ourselves to feel worthy. So welcome to Madden Cave.
Speaker 1:Let's dive in First things. First, let's talk about why we deflect or dismiss compliments. Think about it. When someone tells you wow, you look amazing today or I really admire your work, what's the immediate reaction? Do you say, oh, I was just lucky, or it was nothing really? You might even feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. Now, just speaking candidly and openly, I mean I struggle with this to this day. I love your work, thank you for helping me. Great hats, great shoes, what have it? And I just kind of want to deflect it. I want to push it away. I am so uncomfortable, it's just wild.
Speaker 1:So what are some of these things on why we may want to deflect these compliments? Where, again, where we can't be a gracious receiver? What is that? We have a fear of being perceived as arrogant. One of the most common reasons we can deflect compliments is the fear of coming across arrogant or conceited.
Speaker 1:We've all been conditioned to think that accepting compliments sometimes is too easily, makes us full of ourselves or egotistical. We've been taught that humility often means downplaying our strengths or accomplishments. We've all heard the phrase don't brag or don't toot your own horn, and so now, as a result, when someone praises us, we think we need to downplay it in order to be modest and humble. The problem with this, however, is that it diminishes the value of the compliment and prevents us from truly absorbing the positive energy others are actually offering. Another is this imposter syndrome. I know we've all struggled with this, even to this day. Again, just, I have to speak honestly and openly. It is still alive and well within me, this like imposter syndrome.
Speaker 1:Another reason why we can't we reject these compliments is because of this imposter syndrome the feeling that we don't truly deserve the praise or success we're receiving. This is common in high achievers, but it can also happen to anyone. When we believe that we don't measure up or that we're faking it somehow, we have a hard time accepting compliments because they don't align with how we see our own selves. We feel like we're getting away with something and that the idea that others see us in a positive light doesn't feel authentic to us. Now, this is where we can start to tell ourselves oh, they don't really mean it or they're just being nice. They don't really know the real me, this internal narrative and belief system, sometimes of feeling unworthy, undeserving, flawed.
Speaker 1:And another one is self-criticism. Some of us are just naturally more self-critical. We've been trained to focus on our shortcomings or imperfections rather than celebrating our strengths. So our inner critic can be loud and overpowering and it drowns out those voices that try to lift us up. Out. Those voices that try to lift us up when someone gives us a compliment or immediate response might be well, if they only knew how flawed I am and we quickly invalidate their words. The truth is that our inner critic isn't serving us. It's holding us back from fully accepting and embracing again that positive energy that others are so graciously presenting to us. This is why the idea of learning to be a gracious receiver.
Speaker 1:What are the possible root causes? Where do these patterns tend to come from? Why do these patterns exist in the first place? Why do we struggle to accept praise or kindness? Well, one that I've connected to is cultural expectations. In many cultures, modesty is valued above self-celebration. We are taught to downplay our success and make others feel comfortable, especially if there's the ones giving us the compliment. In many ways, these cultural messages contribute to a general discomfort with receiving, because we've been socialized to think that, again, humility means denying or deflecting praise.
Speaker 1:One is childhood conditioning. I talk a lot about these early formative years where we take on a lot of beliefs, we take a lot of conditionings, we're getting modeled behaviors, we're getting told ways we should be, we're getting showed ways we should be. Now, often these patterns in childhood are these very deep blueprints. Now, maybe we were raised in an environment where giving and receiving praise were rare or inconsistent, or we were taught that showing off or accepting compliments was quote-unquote wrong or it was embarrassing. This conditioning can stick with us well into adulthood and it becomes this habit where we just continue to keep deflecting rather than accepting, and again it can definitely tie into the shame I'm flawed and defective as a human being. Again this goes into adverse childhood experiences. Again, micro, macro family systems, culture, society, religion, teachers All of these beliefs can create a part within ourselves that we want to reject as it's flawed. So receiving compliments can be challenging because behind that compliment again is the part of ourselves that says well, you don't really know me, you don't know how bad I am, you don't know how flawed I am.
Speaker 1:Another is fear of vulnerability. I think the most protected thing on the planet for all of us is vulnerability. Now why? For me, I definitely relate it to, again, early childhood experiences, because when we got wounded, we were completely vulnerable. So compliments can be often an expression of vulnerability. The person gives you a compliment is expressing admiration or affection in a way that leaves them open to rejection. If we fear being vulnerable ourselves, we may avoid accepting these compliments because we're uncomfortable with someone being open and appreciative towards us. It can feel completely like we're taking an emotional risk.
Speaker 1:The funny thing about vulnerability that I just want to kind of give a side note. It's so interesting that it's the most protected place. We have shut down parts of ourselves in fear of being vulnerable, because when I was vulnerable, I got rejected. When I was vulnerable, I got left, I got hurt. Whatever the stories is the truth of the matter. We're vulnerable every moment of the day. So I just wanted to give that little side note.
Speaker 1:So what is the power now of becoming a gracious receiver? What could be great value and power for us to learn this? Well, let's take a moment to think about how we feel when we give someone else a compliment and they actually accept it graciously, when someone looks you in the eye, smiles and says thank you. I appreciate that. How does that make you feel? Well, one I can connect to it. It makes you feel seen. It makes you feel heard, right, so you know, feeling like your words have meaning. They landed in a deep place for this person who is completely gracious of what you have shared. And the compliment. Now, this is how the person giving the compliment feels when you receive it with grace, like their kindness and admiration has a place to land. By receiving compliments with grace, you honor the other person's gesture, you honor the gifts that they're giving you and this reciprocation, this beautiful energy of exchange, happens between you. You're allowing the gift that they're giving you to penetrate, to land on you as well, as they are also feeling seen, heard for sharing those words. So that reciprocation is deep, it's meaningful. So now, acknowledging their intentions. So now let's explore well, how can we start to shift our mindset and start to practice becoming gracious receivers. So here's some tips and some tools about how we could possibly become more of a gracious receiver.
Speaker 1:One is acknowledging and accepting with gratitude. The first step in receiving compliments graciously is to simply acknowledge and accept them. The next time someone gives you a compliment, instead of brushing it off, say thank you with a smile. Notice how that feels. You don't need to say anything else. A simple, sincere thank you is enough. If you're uncomfortable with direct compliments, you can also try this. Accept the compliment in your mind. First, tell yourself I deserve this praise or I worked hard for this. Then let your words follow.
Speaker 1:Another thing that I have also helped me with being more of a gracious receiver. Again, it is a practice. So you know you're probably going to hear this through a lot of the episodes here practice, practice, practice. So another one that has helped me is practicing self-acknowledgement. It's much easier to accept compliments from others when we've already acknowledged our own worth, our own growth. So self-compassion another one is also key. Start by practicing daily affirmations or acknowledgements the things you've done well, even the small victories. The more that you can believe in your own worth, the easier it becomes to accept these external validations. And I've talked about before noticing the small wins daily, recognizing the gains that I have done throughout the day.
Speaker 1:Another one that I like to talk about is reframing the compliments as gifts. Think of these compliments as gifts that someone is offering you. These gifts aren't meant to be rejected or downplayed. They're meant to be received and appreciated. Now, when someone compliments you, imagine that they are giving you a small treasure. You wouldn't throw a gift away right, you'd accept it with gratitude and appreciation. When you can start viewing these compliments as gifts, the act of receiving becomes easier and more natural, and that is something that, even having that visual in my mind, when someone is complimenting, I can even see like this package and wrapping paper or something they're handing it off and it's a treasured gift.
Speaker 1:Another is be present and open to that vulnerability, the vulnerability we talked about before. So receiving is an act of vulnerability. The next time someone offers a compliment, be fully present and open to receive it. Let yourself feel the emotions that come up with being seen and appreciated. Now, allowing yourself to be vulnerable in that moment. The more comfortable you become with vulnerability, the easier it will be to receive compliments and gestures of kindness.
Speaker 1:And lastly, the one that I have really worked on in becoming that gracious receiver is remember that you are worthy. Finally remembering yourself that you are worthy of kindness, praise and love. There's nothing wrong with accepting compliments or kindness. There's no need to downplay your worth or accomplishments. You're worthy of everything. You are everything. You are the vision of love. You're worthy of it all and you're worthy of admiration that others offer you, that others offer you. I hope this was helpful in learning how to open ourself up in the gift, the beautiful gift of being that gracious receiver not only to receive, but it is that exchange of giving as well, Because, remember, you are giving the person that is acknowledging you or giving you the compliment. You're also giving a gift back to them, as well as the gift to yourself to receive it. To be vulnerable, to be open, practicing these things. Again, talking about compassion is always big for me and remember, it is about the practice. It's not about being perfect. Practice makes progress. It doesn't make perfection. So, whenever those moments happen, be with what is, see what shows up there.
Speaker 1:If you found this episode helpful, please share it as well as please leave a review. Share some of your words. If something landed on you, share your words. I read them all. I love hearing people's feedback and how that maybe has helped them, how that has shifted them or how they're going to practice. My name is Shane. This is man Uncaved. We need to come out of hiding.