Man (Un)Caved

(Un)bound: Finding Peace in the Storm: The "three C's" to transform your relationships and personal healing.

• Shane Coyle • Season 2 • Episode 8

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How can embracing the concept of "three C's" transform your relationships and personal healing journey? Join Me on Man Uncaved Again as we unpack the powerful principles from Al-Anon, designed to support those who love individuals grappling with addiction. I share my personal story of recovery, emphasizing the liberating realization that "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it." This episode is a heartfelt exploration of setting boundaries and reclaiming your mental peace amidst the chaos of addiction, whether it be substance-related or tied to process addictions. These insights aim to help listeners relinquish misplaced blame and embark on their own healing paths.

Throughout this episode, the focus shifts to the deeply personal journey of healing and the significance of respecting each individual's process. Shane highlights the necessity of taking personal responsibility and evaluating our roles within dysfunctional relationships. By understanding the dynamics of codependency and unrealistic expectations, you'll learn how to cultivate healthier interactions and emotional growth. With practical strategies for setting boundaries and prioritizing self-care, listeners are encouraged to foster more peaceful lives while letting loved ones take responsibility for their actions. Tune in to discover how these transformative insights can help you nurture a more balanced and fulfilling life.

Speaker 1:

And this could be really excruciating, especially around loved ones, where my thought was, if I could just love them more, they would heal. Of course it didn't turn out that way. Hey everybody, and welcome back to Men Uncaved Again. My name is Shane and I'd like to take a moment today to talk about a powerful transformational topic. This topic is known as the three C's. This actually comes from a program called Al-Anon. Now I'm going to throw this disclaimer out.

Speaker 1:

A lot of you already know that I come from the world of recovery. I got clean through treatment and I attended AA meetings to overcome my addictive patterns. Now, I am not a spokesman for AA. I think there are many ways to find our healing, our transformation, aa, na, any of the Anonymize being one of them, including Al-Anon. So I am not here to push anything on anybody. However, there are great teachings within these types of Anonymize that can create huge lifestyle changes beyond what we think of addiction, beyond what we think of alcoholism, but just the wider lens of behavior patterns. So I just wanted to put that out there. I'm not here to push one way of healing and transformation. I think it's important for us and our responsibility to understand different ways of healing and which again makes us a multi-dimensional person that which can be very life-changing, not just for those ones loved ones struggling with addiction, but anyone that is trying to navigate again personal growth, boundaries and self-care in the face of difficult relationships so romantic, family and friends. But if you've ever been in a relationship with someone whose behaviors have been destructive or self-sabotaging which could be addiction or compulsive behavior patterns or emotional instability you know how challenging that can be to maintain your own peace of mind amongst this individual. It can feel like you're walking through eggshells. But what if I told you there is actually a different way, a healthier way to navigate these relationships, one that focuses on boundaries, personal growth and self-care personal growth and self-care. And so today I want to break those down, these three C's of Al-Anon. I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it and we're going to discuss how they can help you reclaim your power, protect your energy and foster growth and healing for both yourself and your loved ones.

Speaker 1:

A little quick snapshot, a brief history about Al-Anon. So for those that don't know, I'm just going to give this. Al-anon is a family group. It was founded in 1951. And this was in a response to the devastating impacts that alcoholism can have on its families and loved ones. Now this program was originally it was modeled off of Alcoholics Anonymous, which has been founded a few years earlier I think 1935, for individuals struggling with addiction. For individuals struggling with addiction, primarily, obviously, alcohol, though these principles apply to any form of addiction or compulsive behavior patterns, and that is my model as well.

Speaker 1:

We have a very limited view sometimes about what addiction is. We think of the junkie, the drug addict, or we think about the alcoholic. There are also process addictions, which I've spoken about briefly, where we can emotionally try to regulate ourselves when we are dysregulated, through distractions, through moving away from discomforts. Again, codependency could be one of them. Sex, love, shopping, gambling, food can be something. There are many different ways to mood alter, but truly one addiction process, and I'll talk about that another time. So I wanted to put that idea in everybody's minds. When I'm looking at these addictions or compulsive behavior patterns, I'm looking at it from a very wide perspective and a wide lens.

Speaker 1:

Now, the three C's of Al-Anon were introduced as part of the mental and emotional detox. It was a way for the family members and friends to stop taking responsibility for the behaviors they couldn't control, and it was actually to free themselves of guilt and to begin healing their own. These three statements encapsulates the necessary mindset shift that would allow loved ones to stop absorbing the chaos and focus on their own well-being. So I wanted to give that really brief history of Al-Anon so just in those words alone you can understand, from maybe your own perspective, where dysfunction can lie. And there's many ways dysfunction can lie in a relationship, whether that be romantic, a family or not. So let's dive into the first C I didn't cause it. This first key principle I didn't cause it.

Speaker 1:

This is such a crucial concept. When we are in relationships with people who struggle, it's easy to internalize these situations for ourselves and start believing that we're the one causing the pain or actions, and sometimes, within those dysfunctional relationships, we're made to believe that we're the one causing them. This is called gaslighting, blame-shifting, shame-shift from their own pain so they can mood alter by blame-shifting, shame-shifting. These are all projections, projective identifications onto the other person where we can come to believe that we are the cause of a lot of their pain. And so some of the questions when we have been made to believe in this dysfunctional relationship is if I had done better, could this turn out differently? If I had been with a better partner, a better friend, a family member, would they have turned out differently? So we can start to internalize these concepts again, putting all of the blame on ourself.

Speaker 1:

Here's the hard truth. You didn't cause their behavior. Put a little another disclaimer on this one too. Now it's not to say that there is no responsibility for behaviors. If we ourselves are causing others harm, we need to take that accountability and that responsibility. You didn't cause their behavior. Everyone is responsible for their own behavior. I might have mentioned that before with what is called internal boundaries. We are not responsible for what people think, feel and do. We are actually only responsible for what we think, feel and do. So you didn't make them pick up the drink. You didn't make them pick up the drug or engage in that toxic behavior.

Speaker 1:

Addiction, compulsive actions, physical issues or destructive patterns are often the result of a deeply rooted emotional, psychological issue that is outside of our own control. Now, this is an important boundary to set up, not just with the person struggling, but with our own self. Again, we're not responsible for their choices. Accepting this can be incredibly liberating. It allows us to release the weight or guilt or shame that can come with trying to fix or save them. We didn't cause someone's behavior.

Speaker 1:

How essential that is in self-preservation. It helps us to stop taking on the emotional burden that isn't Ours to carry. When you accept that truth, you can actually step. We can actually stop to over-explain yourself or justify their actions. We can set boundaries that protect ourselves emotionally and our own well-being. Now, for example, if your loved one is making a self-destructive choice, it's actually okay to say I'm sorry you're going through this, but I can't take responsibility for the choice that you are making. See, we can actually show compassion without taking ownership for their own problems. Now, understanding this, this is crucial for maintaining a healthy sense of self and emotional peace that we can disconnect lovingly and with a sense of compassion. So this first C I did not cause it really shines a light on you're responsible for your own patterns of behavior. I am responsible for mine self-preservation and a sense of boundaries. Now let's dive into the second C I can't control it. I can't control it. I can't control it.

Speaker 1:

This is where things can get a little tricky, because so many of us, including myself, can feel like we should be able to control or fix our loved ones ties into our own deeper rooted psychological, emotional wounds that we are responsible for. This can lead into codependency, early childhood family dynamics. We have taken on a role sometimes where we have been made to believe we are the fixer, the savior, or we have been to believe that if we just do more or do better we can actually change the situation. But here is some harsh reality. You cannot control their behavior and we often fall into this trap of trying to manage or fix the situation. We might make excuses for them or even enable their harmful behaviors out of a misguided desire to protect them or prevent conflict. We might even try to control their actions by nagging, advising or helping them change. But ultimately their behaviors is theirs to manage. You cannot control it, no matter how hard you try.

Speaker 1:

Realize that personal growth involves learning to let go of control. You are responsible for your actions only and your responses, not for theirs. This means setting clear boundaries around what is acceptable in your relationship and holding firm to them without guilt. This it could lead into early childhood family dynamics, feeling responsible, the need for control for an unstable environment where we have learned to take on that guilt. For example, you can't control whether your loved one chooses to get help or stop their destructive behavior pattern, but you can control how you respond to their actions. I'll say this one more time you can't control whether your loved one chooses to get help or stop their destructive behavior patterns, but you can control how you respond to their actions.

Speaker 1:

Why I wanted to say that twice? Because I think that is an important key to understand it, and I am also speaking from my own personal experience. Growing up, I took on a lot of my mom's emotional dysregulations her gaslighting, her shame, my dad's shame and gaslighting. As it was mine and I am responsible for that. Unfortunately, what happened was I can keep punishing myself and make myself bad for my mom's emotional dysregulation or my dad's gaslighting. It became internalized for being this bad child. So maybe you've been enabling them by covering up their mistakes or continuing to engage with them in their unhealthy ways.

Speaker 1:

A healthy boundary might look like. I love you, but I will no longer cover for you or excuse this behavior. This is about taking responsibility for your own life and for your own well-being, letting go of the need to control what isn't yours to control, and in doing so, you're not only protecting yourself but you're also giving them the space to face their own reality and potentially seek help on their own terms. Now that space that you could be providing for them could be the most loving thing. That one you're doing for them but you're also doing for yourself and the relationship you are creating. That space, space can be loving. You are creating that space. Space can be loving loving for our own self to do our own healing, to create those boundaries needed. Space for them that they find the path that they need to take, and space for the relationship. So we stop enabling them and ourself to engage in the toxic behavior. I just want to say a little bit about that, because the enabling is our responsibility, which contributes to the dysfunctional behavior that is ours and theirs is the destructive behavior pattern. So that space helps us take a moment from the relationship to look at what is our responsibility and what is theirs.

Speaker 1:

So let's take a look at the third C. I can't cure it. When someone we love is struggling with addiction again, mental health challenges or self-destructive behavior patterns, we often feel a deep sense of powerlessness. We wish we could just weave in a magic wand sometimes and make everything better for them, and that's understandable. These people we've have history with. They're our loved ones. We want to fix them, we want to heal them and we want their pain to go away. But we cannot cure it, no matter how much you love them, no matter how much you want to help them to cure them.

Speaker 1:

Healing and recovery are deeply personal and they can't be achieved through force or through someone else's intervention. They have to want to heal and take responsibility for their own journey, and this could be really excruciating, especially around loved ones, where my thought was if I could just love them more, they would heal. Of course, it didn't turn out that way, and the boundaries in the self-care of this third C is it's a reminder that your role is not to be their savior. This can be a difficult pill to swallow again, especially when these people we truly, truly love, especially if we've been in their lives as a caretaker role or have felt like we need to fix everything, felt like we need to fix everything. Accepting that you cannot cure them helps you shift your focus back to your own personal journey. As I mentioned before, deep healing work is a personal journey and when you realize you can't cure the situation, you can actually finally stop using up all your energy trying to change them, and this can distract us from our own journey and what we need to do for ourselves. So this can help us refocus our energy on what we can control. It can help us refocus on our own growth, our own healing and our well-being, and we can take our self and become our top priority.

Speaker 1:

A great tool to implement here is to set clear self-care routines that prioritize your mental, emotional and physical health. This can include regular activities that nourish you, whether it's exercise, therapy, journaling, meditation, again spending time with supportive friends, nature. In addition, you can also practice self-compassion and forgiveness for yourself when you slip into these old patterns of caretaking or trying to fix things. Now let's take a look at how these three C's and the impact of them so these three C's I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it are so powerful because they put the focus back where it needs to belong, which is on you.

Speaker 1:

When you stop taking on the responsibility of someone else's choices, actions and healing process, you free yourself from the emotional burden of trying to fix everything. You learn to set boundaries that protect your mental and emotional well-being, which leads to personal growth and a more peaceful life. We should be protecting our peace and our calm. The most valuable currency, our most valuable asset in this life is our time, and these can help you to give your loved ones the space to take responsibility for their own actions and healing and in doing so, you both can live healthier, more fulfilling lives, whether you're able to change the relationship dynamic or not. So I always say, when we set ourselves free, we also invite our partner, our loved ones, their freedom as well.

Speaker 1:

I know this could be a very challenging thing to have to deal with, especially when it's a loved one that is self-destructing again through any type of addictive behavior patterns, emotional instability and dysregulation, and we want to be there for them because we love them and that is the most beautiful thing. We love them and we care for them. However, we don't have to take it on for them. We don't have to enable it for them. We could be driving them deeper down their addictive behavior patterns. We could be driving them deeper down their addictive behavior patterns. We could be driving them deeper down their emotional regulation skills by not giving them the space to look at themselves. It could be the most loving thing you actually do for somebody is you have to let them go. That could be very challenging and again, letting them go doesn't necessarily mean you have to end the relationship. We just need to end the enabling behavior patterns. We need to end the chaos for our own well-being and from that we can reflect a light back to them and they could start taking on responsibility for their own well-being and from that place we all can heal.

Speaker 1:

I believe the system plays its role where we can all unconsciously be playing in the role of dysfunction. Now, when we take that step back, it is our responsibility to look at our own part and in the chaos, what was happening in that relationship? Taking responsibility on our part? Was it underlying codependency? Were we in the shared fantasy thinking this was our mother, our father, we could fix? And so doing our own internal work is going to be essential if you're going to create that space.

Speaker 1:

This is man Uncaved. My name is Shane. I hope you really enjoyed this episode and, incorporating maybe some of these three C's into your close emotional relationships, start looking at these patterns and how you can create more freedom for yourself. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it Again. I ask if you did find something informative. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it Again. I ask if you did find something informative and valuable in this episode, please share your words. Let me know what landed for you. It helps me provide great information for people so you can get your own healing. You can heal yourself, you can heal relationships. This is man Uncaved. We need to come out of hiding.