Man (Un)Caved

(Un)hidden: Sex Addiction in Men - The Struggle Behind the Behavior

• Shane Coyle • Season 3 • Episode 7

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Sex addiction grips countless men in silence, yet few dare to speak its name. Beyond the surface behaviors lies a profound struggle with shame, disconnection, and unmet needs that began long before our first sexual experience.

I've personally walked this path and witnessed thousands of men caught in the same cycle over my twenty years of work in this field. What appears as hypersexuality often masks a desperate attempt to regulate overwhelming emotions and fill an ancient void. The compulsive pursuit of sexual experiences isn't about pleasure—it's about escape from loneliness, pain, and parts of ourselves we're afraid to face.

The distinction matters: desire flows naturally while compulsion controls. One brings life; the other depletes it. When sexual thoughts and behaviors begin interfering with relationships, work, and emotional health, we've crossed from natural desire into addiction territory. Society conditions men to believe that being hypersexual is normal—"boys will be boys"—making it harder to recognize when something has become harmful.

What drives this pattern? In my experience, sex addiction speaks to profound disconnections. It represents both a longing to return to the divine mother (the unconditional acceptance we may have never fully experienced) and a hunger for the blessing of the absent father (the healthy masculine guidance many never received). Without proper initiation into manhood, we remain emotional boys in men's bodies, using sex to soothe what can only be healed through grief, connection, and inner work.

Healing begins with dropping the shame and coming out of hiding. This isn't about being a bad person—it's about being a wounded person trying to cope. Breaking the silence starves addiction of its power. The journey requires brothers, mentors, and guides who can help navigate this challenging terrain.

Join us in The Gathering, our virtual men's support group, where we create space for these conversations. Because the answer isn't found in more sexual experiences but in understanding what your soul truly hungers for. You're not broken—you're wounded, and wounds can heal when given the right environment to do so.


The Gathering is my online men's group where we talk about the stuff most guys are afraid to admit — anger, shame, relationships, self-sabotage — and actually do something about it. This is where you stop pretending and start showing up for yourself, your relationships, and the man you know you're meant to be.

Ready to get real? Sign up now at https://www.manuncaved.com/the-gathering — and let’s start breaking the cycle together.

Need support? Our free recovery services and weekly support groups are here to help both individuals and families affected by addiction and mental health challenges. You don’t have to do this alone. Schedule a free, confidential call today and start the healing process for everyone involved.

https://www.manuncaved.com/


Speaker 1:

Hey everybody, welcome back to another show of man in Caves, and I am your host, as always, shane. If this is your first time here, first of all, welcome and thank you. If you have been here before, thank you as well. God, I can't believe it. Alright, let's jump into. Today.

Speaker 1:

We are going to dive into a topic that I can honestly say from my own experience, doesn't get talked enough about. We are going to talk about sex addiction and especially sex addiction with men. Now, this is something that really lands true for me, so I'm going to talk about that and come out of hiding in my own experience. So I want to say this If you listen to this topic and this is close to home you're not alone. Seriously, there's so many men I have worked with in the last 20 years struggle with compulsive sexual behaviors, but because of the shame, the guilt or fear of judgment, it stays hidden and, of course, when things stay hidden, it stays powerful. So today we are going to come out of hiding and I thought the only way to do that is go directly to it. So there will be no foreplay in this episode. So first let me set the stage a little bit and kind of tell you a little bit of my own journey around sex addiction in today's episode.

Speaker 1:

So when I had got clean I had cross-addicted to sex-love codependency patterns, which is just another manifestation, more driven on the compulsive behavior pattern, right. So addiction lives in substance abuse but also lives in compulsive behavior patterns. I've talked about this many times. There's really only one addiction. There's just different manifestations of addiction, but the root origin and the root core is all the same that I have found in all of the manifestations. So when we talk about sex addiction, of course we're not going to say we're going to quit sex. We're not going to say we're going to quit eating food we have to have those. But understanding the difference is what we're going to talk about today when it becomes a compulsive behavior pattern.

Speaker 1:

Now, when I got clean, I started to act out sexually. I was acting out in compulsive masturbation and pornography and that was a way that I could also mood alter and emotionally regulate, that I could also mood alter and emotionally regulate these emotions that were starting to come up through, because now I had nothing to hide behind. I didn't have my drugs, I didn't have other any substances to hide behind Now all the stuff that I was repressing and suppressing, depressing, it started to rise to the surface and I didn't have enough tools in the beginning, coping strategies in the beginning to deal with this emotional turbulence. So that became my way to emotionally regulate. I could use sex, I could use pornography and masturbation to regulate that part. So I wanted to set that and put that in place, because we're going to dive more into this topic as we start to explore the roots and the origins of that.

Speaker 1:

Now, before we begin, let's make distinctions Desires and compulsion. Now, they may look the same on the outside, but inside they can feel completely different. You know, desire is natural. It rises like a wave full of life, full of choice. You feel it, you breathe with it and you can decide how to dance with it. But compulsion, compulsion is this it grabs you by the throat. It doesn't ask, it demands. It's not about connection or joy, it's actually about the escape. Now, what am I escaping from? Well, for me, I was escaping from the loneliness, escaping from pain, escaping from the parts of myself that I was afraid to face. See, desire flows, compulsion, controls. When you're free, you learn to ride the wave. When you're trapped, the wave rides you. All right. So let's clear something up first.

Speaker 1:

Sex addiction isn't just liking sex a lot. It's when sexual thoughts, urges or compulsive behaviors start to take over more than the desire for sex, when they interfere with your relationships, your work, your emotional health and even your ability to be present health and even your ability to be present. Maybe it's seeking hookups, even when it feels empty afterward. Maybe it's chasing the next high to avoid that loneliness, that stress or pain. See, it's not about pleasure anymore, it's about that escaping. Let's start to open this up a little bit more.

Speaker 1:

You know, society teaches men that being hypersexual is actually normal. Boys will be boys, right. But when we grow up with that message, it can become harder to recognize when things have crossed the line into something unhealthy or even harmful even harmful. And for many men the roots go much, much deeper. It goes into childhood trauma, emotional neglect, feeling unseen, unworthy, unlovable. Sex becomes a coping to emotionally regulate. It's a way to self-medicate that pain that we don't even fully understand, that pain that we don't even fully understand, that I didn't fully understand early in my recovery, healing journey.

Speaker 1:

So join me in today's episode where we're going to continue to peel back the many layers of sex addiction, and my hopes is to reveal that it's not about the actual sex itself, it's the soul hunger underneath it. See, this isn't about a bad behavior. It is actually speaking more to a deep longing for connection. It's a grasp for wholeness. It's a grasp for the mother, the goddess, and for the father, the king, we never fully had. See, sex addiction isn't really about the sex. It's about the disconnection that we, as men, have undertaken growing up from boys to men. It's a speak to a loss, in a rite of passage, if you will. It's about trying to fill an ancient void, a loss that usually began long before our first sexual experience. Now, in the thousands of men I have worked with in the last 20 years and within my own journey, I have found its origins are deeply rooted in early attachment wounds, emotional neglect, abandonment and shame. See, it's woven into the fabrics of our own survival, our own trauma response, having to perform to people please and or learn to hide ourself.

Speaker 1:

So I'm going to take a step back for a second and look at Greek mythology the goddesses. Like Aphrodite, hera, persephone, these represented different aspects of the feminine. Now, at the core of these myths is a theme the longing to reunite with the divine mother. Now sex has become that vehicle for some men. But the real hunger is actually for the goddess, for the eternal embrace, for the lost feelings of absolute belonging, what we once knew in the womb.

Speaker 1:

So, at the deepest level, sex addiction is a homesickness. It's about returning to the womb, the place of origin and the rising of men Reborn through the fire of our own masculine soul. It's like this rising phoenix. It's the resurrection of Jesus that is dying and has to let go. It's this rite of passage from being an irresponsible little boy to a responsible man, and that passage is a painful one. It is a painful pursuit from having to detach from the boy to become the man. It's the grieving process of that that we must grieve our own childhood. And when we don't grieve we really stay stuck in our own boyish, childish ways and we start to act out in our own childish ways. And sex addiction, as well as all other addiction processes, are part of that. It is the child stuck, that is not moving through the rite of passage, becomes impulsive, compulsive, reaches out externally to fulfill the internal void, because for the child can't withstand the pain, cannot withstand the loneliness, cannot withstand the anger or the sadness. So in order to do that and to self-regulate, they can either self-medicate or reach out for sex in an attempt to fill that void, to fill the love that was missing, to fill the validation that was missing, to fill the worthiness that was missing in the immortal goddess and the immortal goddess.

Speaker 1:

Now, I know we've been really talking about the mother, but there's another piece we rarely talk about. It's not just about the feminine we lost, the emotional neglect or abandonment from the mother, the separation from the womb, the Garden of Eden. It's also about the loss of a healthy masculine. A lot of men out there that I have worked with, including myself, haven't had a healthy masculine or a masculine figure at all to guide us. We cannot move into again this rite of passage as little boys yes, there's no elders, there's no ritual around it, there's no ritual around it. Now, this could be due to divorced families. This could be the man is working all the time, or just the legacies of emotional, absent men raising boys. This loss reaches beyond our own family system.

Speaker 1:

Now. I've mentioned before my own story the abandonment of my father. My father is abandoned by his father, and on and on it goes. So there was never a healthy masculine to guide any of the men. See, the masculine, the representation of the masculine, is the protector within the family, the container, the conscious presence, the one who says you are safe, you are seen, you are enough, especially to the little boys, see, as the boy soon recognizes that he too will be a man one day. So these lack of masculine figures in men tend to have a big impact on the little boy that is trying to move into this next stage of development and that sexual addiction, that compulsive behavior pattern, is the manifestation of the boy that is stuck, the boy that is stunted. See, because without the healthy masculine we remain boys in men's bodies. We're still looking for a mother to soothe us because there was a father that never initiated us.

Speaker 1:

So now we're going to talk about sexual addiction from an archetypal framework known as the shadow. Many have heard this word the shadow, the shadows that disowned part of ourself that we keep hidden in the dark. This is why, when we talk about the coming out of hiding, we are coming out of hiding with our own shadows. We're bringing our shadows to the light. Now an inside-out review man are powerful archetypes, but when wounded and this is early attachment stuff, childhood stuff that stays in the dark Now a longing to return to the mother.

Speaker 1:

Within the sexual addiction behavior pattern is a desperate hunger for the blessing of the father. And that wounded part, that wounded lover, can become addicted to the thrill of connection but is terrified of true intimacy. So I see this a lot played out within relationships. I see this played out in my early relationships as well, where I want to be in the connection. So there's a desperate hunger to connect. This is part of all of our needs connection, love, acceptance, validation, belonging. However, at the same time, that fear of intimacy because of the wounded lover, that archetypal wounded lover, so that boy who wants the connection but is also very terrified of it as well.

Speaker 1:

Now, another shadow that plays itself out in sex addiction is the addicted king. And this one, one that seeks to conquer women through sexual experiences, fantasies, trying to fulfill their inner void with outer conquest. So you see how this one it becomes. So this one plays out in the conquering of these women to have these sexual experiences, living the fantasies of trying to fulfill that inner void but cannot show up responsibly for that relationship to keep the woman. And so, as long as the shadow is ruling this man's life. This man will remain split. He will be endlessly searching and never finding. And when these shadows run the show, the addiction thrives.

Speaker 1:

We don't chase sex because we are bad. Addiction thrives. We don't chase sex because we are bad. We chase it because we're exited from the inner garden and trying to find our way back. So if we're caught in this cycle, what do you do?

Speaker 1:

Well, first, I'd like to say let's drop the shame. There is no shame in healing. We're trying to overcome our shame. This isn't about being a bad person. It's about being a person who's hurting and who's using sex to feel okay. Second, let's get real. Let's name it, let's talk about it, whether it's with a therapist or a support group or someone you trust. Secrecy feeds the addiction. Honesty starves it. Third, heal the roots. Do the shadow work. It's not about stopping the behavior. We're not going to stop having sex. It's about healing the emotional wounds that are underneath it, learning to regulate your emotions, build real intimacy, sit with discomfort without needing to numb it.

Speaker 1:

Now, healing is possible, but it's not a solo journey. It requires brothers, mentors, guides. But it's not a solo journey. It requires brothers, mentors, guides. It requires us to weep, to rage, to grieve and then to build anew. So I'd like to mention that I have a virtual online men's support group called the Gathering, where we talk about this topic. We talk about many topics. As men, we sit there together. We get to the root causes of a lot of our shame, of our sexual addiction, of our patterns. We come out of hiding and, if you are interested, the link is in the description of this episode. Now the healing process is activating of the archetypes, these healthy, masculine within us. It's the king who governs with wisdom, the warrior who fights for the soul, the lover who connects with true heart and the magician that transforms all of this pain into gold.

Speaker 1:

Now, as mentioned, I have seen many men turn their lives around, men who thought they were too far gone, men who thought they were broken. I was one of them. I thought I was broken. I thought that I could not heal in any of these behaviors. Here's the thing You're not broken. You're wounded, and wounds they can heal. So if this spoke to something deep inside of you, know this You're not broken, you're not alone. You're simply being called to come back home.

Speaker 1:

For the wounded man, the addicted man, sex becomes a desperate attempt to find her again, to return to the immortal embrace of the mother goddess. Not in a literal sense, but in an emotionally spiritual sense. The body searches for union, but what the soul is actually craving is something much deeper. It's a return to safety, to unconditional acceptance, to the cosmic womb. But the answer isn't in more sexual experiences. The answer is in grieving Grieving what was lost, grieving what was never received. It's a reparenting of ourselves learning to become the mother and the father we needed. It's in reconnecting to the divine feminine, not through the body of another, but through the body of our own soul. It's the little boy inside the man who still aches for the safety, the warmth, the absolute belonging he once had, or maybe never truly had.

Speaker 1:

Healing from sex addiction isn't about fighting yourself. It's about understanding what you're truly longing for. And once you start listening to that hunger, once you start honoring it instead of shaming it, you can begin to heal. You can begin to come home, not to another woman, but to yourself. This has been man, uncaved. My name is Shane. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it, and for all my men out there. We need to come out of hiding.