Man (Un)Caved
Welcome to Man (Un)caved podcast where we explore the complex landscape of masculinity in men. Hosted by facilitator /life coach Shane Coyle, this podcast delves deep into the multifaceted nature of what it means to be a man in today's world.
Join us as we embark on a thought-provoking journey, navigating through topics such as societal expectations, emotional intelligence, mental health, relationships, and personal growth. Each episode features insightful discussions, personal anecdotes, and expert interviews, providing listeners with valuable insights and tools to navigate their own journey towards authentic manhood.
Whether you're a man seeking to understand and redefine your masculinity, or someone interested in gaining a deeper understanding of the male experience, this podcast offers a safe and inclusive space for meaningful conversations.
Join the conversation as we challenge stereotypes, celebrate diversity, and embrace the richness of masculinity in all its forms. Tune in to Man (Un)caved and discover a new perspective on what it truly means to be a man.
"Not until we are willing to come out of hiding, will we truly experience our greatest potential"
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Man (Un)Caved
(Un)apologetic: How Seeking Rejection Builds Authentic Masculinity
Tired of walking around like an emotional vending machine? Push the right buttons and out comes approval, validation, compliments...welcome to Nice Guy Syndrome. That childhood survival strategy where you decided making everyone happy would protect you from hurt has left you still hurting—just in different ways.
This charming little adaptive pattern isn't actually about kindness. It's about dishonesty with yourself and others. Most "nice guys" bend over backwards so much they practically become Cirque du Soleil acts, except no one's clapping and they're certainly not getting paid. They avoid conflict, say "it's fine" when it's not, and apologize for things that aren't their fault—all while their souls quietly wither inside.
The paradoxical solution? Seek rejection. Chase it. High-five it like a bro at the gym. Because rejection isn't your enemy—it's the gym for your nervous system. Every time you get rejected, its power diminishes. When you tell her how you feel without sugarcoating it, ask for that raise despite sweating through your shirt, share an unpopular opinion, or say "no" when you mean it, you break the addiction to external validation. You stop outsourcing your self-worth.
Dr. Robert Glover put it perfectly: "Nice guys believe if they are good, giving, and caring, they will be loved, get their needs met, and have a smooth life." But that's the lie. Real masculinity isn't about being bulletproof—it's about being authentic, vulnerable, and solid, especially when someone tells you no.
Ready to stop performing and start leading in your life? Join my online men's group, the Gathering, where we skip the surface-level small talk and dive straight into the deep end of emotional maturity, boundaries, and authentic connection. Because it's time to come out of hiding.
The Gathering is my online men's group where we talk about the stuff most guys are afraid to admit — anger, shame, relationships, self-sabotage — and actually do something about it. This is where you stop pretending and start showing up for yourself, your relationships, and the man you know you're meant to be.
Ready to get real? Sign up now at https://www.manuncaved.com/the-gathering — and let’s start breaking the cycle together.
All right, guys. Have you ever noticed that some guys and it might be you, I know, it's definitely been me are walking around like an emotional vending machine? You know, you just press that right button and, bam, out comes approval, validation, a compliment and maybe even a foot rub if you're lucky. Guys, welcome to the nice guy syndrome. Foot rub if you're lucky. Guys, welcome to the nice guy syndrome. That charming little childhood survival strategy where you decided, hey, if I just make everybody happy, I'll never get hurt. But, guys, spoiler alert, you're still hurt. But now, instead of dealing with it, you're 35 years old, dating emotionally unavailable women and wondering why you feel like a doormat with a beard. See, most of us nice guys were trained early. Maybe mom was unpredictable, maybe dad was emotionally MIA, so we learned real quick don't cause problems, be helpful, be sweet, be nice, and then maybe, just maybe, someone will love you enough to finally feel whole. And this is where seeking rejection comes in. Yeah, guys, you heard me Seek it, chase it, high-five it like it's a bro at the gym, because the only way to stop living for other people's approval is to start not giving a shit when they don't give it to you. So buckle up, fellas. We're diving into the deep end of the nice guy dumpster fire and lighting that sucker up with truth so we can come out of hiding. Let's go. All right, fellas, now brace yourself.
Speaker 1:Today we're talking about something most guys, I would probably say, rather would walk on broken glass than actually do, and that is intentionally get rejected. Yeah, you heard me. Not dodging rejection, not pretending you're cool with whatever's happening. I'm talking about walking into the emotional battlefield and saying, hey, here's who I really am. Take it or leave it. Now, most guys and I would say even including myself, and so I really start to understand all of this would rather leave it. And that is the fucking point. Because here's the wild truth Rejection doesn't kill you. It actually frees you.
Speaker 1:Now, guys, when you seek rejection, you know asking for those things that scare you. You set boundaries. You flirt with that woman you don't think that you can ever get. You say no instead of sure. You stop living your life trying to manage everyone's perception. It's just exhausting. You stop outsourcing your self-worth. You stop outsourcing your self-worth. Now, the more you get rejected, the less power that rejection has over you. So let's be real being a nice guy has actually nothing to do with being nice and has everything to do with being dishonest.
Speaker 1:Now think about it. Most men wait their whole damn lives for permission. Most men spend their entire damn lives waiting for permission like it's some kind of emotional DMV and they need a stamp of approval slip just to be themselves, waiting for their dad, their boss, their girlfriend or some imaginary man in the sky to say okay, champ, it's safe, now you can finally be you. Well, spoiler guys, that permission slip isn't coming. And even if it did, you'd probably doubt it and ask for a second opinion. And this is where seeking rejection kicks the damn door in See, most dudes are out here trying to win approval like it's a scratch-off ticket to self-worth.
Speaker 1:The real game-changer is flipping it, chasing the no, the awkward silence, the slam door when you're willing to risk discomfort. Suddenly you're no longer the anxious kid begging to be liked. You're the grounded man who knows his value even when the answer is no. So being a nice guy really isn't some kind of badge of honor. It's not about being kind. It's about being a passive-aggressive approval seeker who's secretly terrified of not being liked. But like Dr Robert Glover, the guru who slapped knife guys awake, puts it nice guys believe if they are good, giving and caring, they will be loved, get their needs met and have a smooth life. Nice guy syndrome isn't about being nice. It's about manipulating through being nice, because deep down you're terrified of being rejected, disliked or, even worse, seen as flawed In translation if I never upset anyone, maybe people will love me. What ends up happening? You become spineless, emotionally nurtured version of yourself that no one actually trusts and nobody wants to sleep with. Look, guys, been there, done that. I've got the emotional scars to prove it. I was the classic example of the nice guy. I was the poster child for the nice guy syndrome.
Speaker 1:So I'm going to tell you a little bit about me. My first quote-unquote real relationship, you know that one where you're already planning the wedding, the dog, the 2.5 kids, the white picket fence, even though you're still trying to figure out algebra. You know that one. Well, I was 14. She cheated on me. But hey, here's the kicker. I was cheating on her too because apparently emotional maturity wasn't on either of our teenage to-do lists. But didn't matter. Because feelings, because love, because hormonal delusion.
Speaker 1:The moment I found out, something snapped, not in a throw a chair kind of way, but in a soul, bends in a weird direction and stays there kind of way, right there. And then I made a contract with myself. It was this silent, lifelong agreement Be liked at all costs. And that was the deal. Be the nice guy, smile more, never rock the boat, be accommodating, be soft, be agreeable, because maybe, just maybe, if I was nice enough, she wouldn't leave. See, if I was nice enough, no one would ever cheat again. If I was nice enough, I wouldn't have to feel the dull, hollow sting of rejection ever again.
Speaker 1:But here's the spoiler the plan fucking sucked so naturally I dragged that be-liked-at-all-cost agreements straight into my adulthood, like a suitcase full of emotional TNT with a broken zipper. I became that guy, you know, the one who says no worries when he's absolutely fucking worried, the one who says it's fine when his soul quietly withers and dies inside. See, I bent over backwards so much I practically became a Cirque du Soleil act, except no one was clapping and I sure wasn't getting paid. I avoided so much conflict, like it owed me money. I said yes when I meant no. I apologized for things that weren't my fault, just to keep the peace. I tried to be the perfect boyfriend my fault, just to keep the peace. I tried to be the perfect boyfriend, sweet, sensitive, supportive basically a relationship golden retriever. And still guess what? I got ghosted, I got left, I got cheated on, walked all over, rejected. Anyway Turns out, being nice isn't a strategy, it's a defense mechanism with a fake mustache.
Speaker 1:And here's the kicker guys. All that niceness wasn't really about love, it was about control. If I can control how people saw me nice, good, unproblematic maybe, just maybe I wouldn't feel the shame of not being enough. Just maybe I wouldn't feel the shame of not being enough. Maybe I wouldn't have to feel that 14-year-old heartbreak ever again. But that's not how life works. People don't stay because you're pleasant, they stay because you're real. So here's the deal Rejection is not the enemy, Rejection is the gym for your nervous system. You want more confidence, more self-respect. Cool, get rejected.
Speaker 1:As Glover says, nice guys seek the approval of others by trying to hide anything that might trigger disapproval. So here's the harsh truth If you're hiding your desires, needs or boundaries just so people like you, you're not being loving, you're being manipulative. Yeah, I said it. You're trying to control how people feel about you by being overly nice and emotionally available 24-7. That's not love, that's codependent theater.
Speaker 1:Look, real masculinity isn't about being bulletproof. It's about being real, vulnerable and solid, even if someone tells you no, especially when they tell you no. Rejection strips the bullshit. It shows you where your validation addiction lives. It teaches you to stay grounded even when your ego gets bruised, when you finally stop chasing approval like a thirsty teenager and start standing in your truth. People feel it and, yeah, some won't like it and yeah, some will walk away. But the ones that stay, they're drawn to you, not the mask. You know, I once heard don't set yourself on fire to keep another person warm. So what seeking rejection can look like? This isn't about being reckless. This is about being real.
Speaker 1:Here's how you seek rejection like a man on a mission. Tell her how you feel without sugarcoating it. Ask for a raise, even if you're sweating through your t-shirt. Share an opinion in a group chat. That isn't safe. Say no when you mean it, even if someone's disappointed. Be seen, take up space, stand firm. You're not doing this to provoke rejection. You're doing it to stop hiding.
Speaker 1:As I say, we need to come out of hiding, because every time you hide, you reinforce the lie that you're not enough, and that's the lie we're here to kill. So here it is. Guys, if you want deeper love, stronger boundaries and a more aligned life, you got to take this emotional risk. You got to let yourself be seen, even if it means being rejected. Because the man who's okay with rejection is the man who finally lives unapologetically. He's not guessing what everyone wants. He's rooted in who he is. So what do we do instead? We stop editing, we stop asking for permission, and that's how you kill the nice guy and resurrect the grounded man.
Speaker 1:All right, let's get this out of the way. You're not going to find your purpose while trying to make everyone like you. In fact, the more likable you try to be, the more full of shit you become. But I just want people to respect me. You say Cool. Then start saying and doing things they might not agree with, because real respect isn't earned through approval, it's earned through truth. Even the uncomfortable, awkward oh shit, he really said that kind of truth.
Speaker 1:Now here's the great paradox no one tells you. The fastest way to become a self-led, purpose-driven man is to get rejected, and I mean get rejected. Rejected a lot on purpose, not because you're into self sabotage or masochism However, if that's your thing, no judgment here. But because rejection is the filter that reveals whether you're living by your values or someone else's Still not convinced. Huh Cool, let's play this out. Let's say you live your whole life never offending anyone, never disappointing anyone and never getting rejected. Congrats. You've officially become a highly agreeable, emotionally nurtured sock puppet with a decent skin.
Speaker 1:Routine but purpose, leadership, depth, not a chance. You left those in the clearance bin while you sold your balls for external validation. Leadership isn't about being liked, it's about being congruent. It's about being so grounded in your values that, even when people think you're an asshole, you can still look in the mirror and say, yep, that was me. No regrets, see, rejection is a rite of passage. Every time someone says no thanks, or you're too much, or I don't agree, you get to practice not folding like a lawn chair. You can learn to stand tall in your truth without needing a round of applause or a group hug. You learn to lead yourself, which is literally the only requirement for leading anything else worth a damn. So go out there, get rejected, say what you actually think, draw the boundary, post that thing. Speak the truth, be willing to piss someone off, because every time you do, you get a little freer, a little sharper, a little more dangerous, in the best way, and if someone doesn't like it, good, you're finally on track. All right, guys, if this episode hits you in the gut, it should that knot in your stomach that's not indigestion, that's the truth hitting you like a truck full of unresolved father issues and porn-induced shame spirals. This is the work, gentlemen, and if you're tired of pretending you got it all together while secretly Googling why do I hate myself and I can't feel anything anymore? Good, you're in the right place.
Speaker 1:Join my online men's group, the Gathering. We meet monthly and we don't do surface level small talk or how's the weather? Bullshit. We go straight into the deep end Emotional maturity, boundaries, father wounds, sex anger, numbness, shame, shame, grief all of it. No masks, no flexing, just real men doing the work.
Speaker 1:This isn't for guys who want a motivational quote and a protein shake. No, this is for men who are done hiding and ready to stop giving a damn about approval, likes or receiving that golden star on their perfect boyfriend chart. This is for guys that aren't afraid to get messy and say yeah, I'm messy. Who gives a fuck? I used to be a master performer. I would people please my way straight into anxiety attacks and emotionally flatlining in relationships. Cute, right Now I show up more fully. I'm unfiltered. Sometimes, I'm unapologetic at times because playing small is exhausting and, honestly, guys, boring as hell. So here's your invitation, fellas Stop performing. Start leading in your life, in love, in your damn legacy. The link to the gathering is in the show notes below. Your time isn't tomorrow, it's right now. It's time to come out of hiding.