Man (Un)Caved
Welcome to Man (Un)caved podcast where we explore the complex landscape of masculinity in men. Hosted by facilitator /life coach Shane Coyle, this podcast delves deep into the multifaceted nature of what it means to be a man in today's world.
Join us as we embark on a thought-provoking journey, navigating through topics such as societal expectations, emotional intelligence, mental health, relationships, and personal growth. Each episode features insightful discussions, personal anecdotes, and expert interviews, providing listeners with valuable insights and tools to navigate their own journey towards authentic manhood.
Whether you're a man seeking to understand and redefine your masculinity, or someone interested in gaining a deeper understanding of the male experience, this podcast offers a safe and inclusive space for meaningful conversations.
Join the conversation as we challenge stereotypes, celebrate diversity, and embrace the richness of masculinity in all its forms. Tune in to Man (Un)caved and discover a new perspective on what it truly means to be a man.
"Not until we are willing to come out of hiding, will we truly experience our greatest potential"
Need support? Our free recovery services and weekly support groups are here to help both individuals and families affected by addiction and mental health challenges. You don’t have to do this alone. Schedule a free, confidential call today and start the healing process for everyone involved.
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Man (Un)Caved
(Un)masking: Death of the Ego - When Who You Are Trying to Become Blocks the Man You Were Born to Be
What if the man you've been trying so hard to become is the very thing standing in the way of the man you were born to be? This question strikes at the core of male identity and the masks we wear to feel safe, loved, and in control.
The false self—that version of you built on performance, protection, and pain—may have helped you survive, but it's keeping you from truly living. Like Abraham being asked to sacrifice Isaac, we're all eventually called to surrender our carefully constructed identities, not as punishment, but as a pathway to awakening to our authentic selves.
Most men stay trapped in the lie, spending their entire lives defending and perfecting a mask while remaining disconnected from their true essence. The false self begins in childhood when we learn that our authentic expressions are too much for the world. We adapt by becoming whoever we need to be to feel safe: the strong one, the funny one, the overachiever. This works temporarily, providing validation and a sense of belonging, but underneath lies a persistent emptiness because no one truly sees the real you.
Breaking free requires courage: recognizing your mask, practicing stillness, confessing your truth to other men, and surrendering control. Transformation isn't about adding more achievements or status—it's about letting go of everything you thought made you worthy so something deeper can emerge. Every breath is both a death and rebirth; every moment an opportunity to choose truth over performance.
The greatest tragedy isn't that we die, but that most men never fully live before they do. Don't wait until your deathbed to realize you spent your life surviving but not truly living. Transformation doesn't take time—it takes truth. And when truth resonates in your heart, transformation is instantaneous. The most powerful moment is now. Be real, be raw, be free.
Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of man Uncaved. I want to jump into this one and I have a question to start this episode out with. What if the man you've been trying so hard to become is the very thing standing in the way of the man you were born to be? Now just pause for a minute and just sit with that, because in this episode we're going to pierce a little deeper than most, because today we're going to talk about the lie most men are living. It's the mask, it's that ego, it's that false self, that version of you that you built on performance, on protection and pain. Now this episode we're going to awaken and why men are living a lie and don't even know it.
Speaker 1:So first let me start with a story. Now, a lot of you already know, along with my psychology and addiction and trauma studies, I also majored in religious studies. Now, that wasn't to go on a religious path, but really to break down stories. I felt like there was a deeper message behind the words that we're saying. There was a depth to them and I was intrigued and so I majored in religious studies. So, within this story you probably all have already heard but maybe never saw, through this type of lens.
Speaker 1:Now, in this story, god comes to Abraham, the man who had longed for a son for years and finally, at the old age, isaac was born. Now, this child was his legacy, his joy, his identity. And then God tells him to sacrifice Isaac. Now, let that sink in for one moment. Now, god didn't ask him to give up his enemies. He didn't ask him to give up a bad habit. He asked him to give up the very thing he loved the most, the thing he thought his future depended on. So why? Because sometimes the thing that brought you here is the very thing you must let go of to go further. Isaac represents the false self. The identity you built to feel safe. The identity you built to feel loved, to feel accepted. The career, the image, the grind. The identity you built to feel loved, to feel accepted. The career, the image, the grind, the charm. You know that version of you that looks successful but deep down, is terrified to just be so. Here's the truth. God will eventually ask you to lay your Isaac on the altar, not because he wants to punish you, because he wants you to awaken to the real you. Now, this is a journey. This is, for me, the whole healing journey.
Speaker 1:We sacrifice our false self, those patterns, those beliefs, that narrative that we have attached to as an identity, and that ego becomes our identity. It becomes who we think we are. It's how we survived. See, most men never get to this point. They can actually spend their lives protecting the false self. They're working for success, for sex, for power or significance, while at the same time not realizing they're becoming slaves to their very thing they think makes them a man.
Speaker 1:The awakening begins when we hear the whisper. You're not this mask you wear, you're not the image you've built. You are something deeper, you're eternal, you're free. But first you have to let the false self die. So I know we've probably heard of this many times before this false self, this identity that we've attached to. Now I've heard this many times before whatever you make your God, you either worship more or you become resentful when it doesn't live up to your own expectations. So if we take this concept of this false self that we have worshipped because it meant that we were loved, it meant that we were safe and that we were cared for becomes our God, so we put all of our investment into that false self. However, it is built on lies, it is not built on authenticity and so it is incongruent with our authenticity. So we become resentful because it will never live up to the expectations. And this resentment becomes internalized and so this internal war becomes within self that we're colliding, we're suffering with on our own. So let's talk about where that false self actually begins, because you don't just wake up one day and decide to live a lie. You learned it, you survived that way.
Speaker 1:That false self is born in childhood, not out of arrogance, but out of a protection. You see, when you were a little boy, you were completely open. You were raw, we were sensitive, we were honest, we would cry when we hurt, we would reach out when we were scared. We just are. There's no pretense. We're authentic by nature. But then something happens. Maybe your father shut down your emotions, maybe your mother only gave you attention when you achieve something. Maybe you were bullied, rejected or made to feel like your truth was too much. You know, and I've spoken about my absent father, my emotionally neglectful mother at times and, you know, abusive at times.
Speaker 1:So I had to formulate this false identity. I had to, people please. It's a survival mechanism, for protection. It kept me safe, it kept me in control. So what do we do when those things happen? Well, we have to adapt. So we create a version of ourself that's easier for the world to accept. We can become the strong one, we can become the smart one, the funny one, the invisible one, the overachiever, the rebel, the good boy because that's who you had to become to feel safe, to feel loved and to feel controlled. It's that version of you, that false self.
Speaker 1:And usually what's behind that false self is your authentic self. Watching the false self. Now this can actually work for a while. You know you'll get your validation, you'll be successful and people will like you. So it feeds into those emotional needs to feel that we belong and that we're okay. But deep down, there's always this quiet ache because the world loves the mask but no one truly will see you. Now you can't receive real love if you're not showing up in your real self. You're always going to feel empty. You're always going to feel disconnected, alone, even if you're surrounded by people, because until you face the origin of your false self, you keep repeating the same old pattern you hide, you perform, you please, you protect and you repeat.
Speaker 1:So there is some good news the little boy you had to abandon is still in there. That's the beauty. This is that inner child work I'm sure you heard many times before. He is there, he's alive, he is waiting for you patiently and he's been trying to get your signal. You, I need you, not something outside of you, not that other person, not that substance, not that other car or money in your bank account, but he needs you. So he's still in there and he doesn't need to be rescued. He just needs you to come back for him.
Speaker 1:See, no one's rejected us, no one's abandoned us. We are the ones, truly, who have abandoned and rejected our own self, and you created that false self to survive. So no one is at fault. You're not bad for it. But now it's time to do something far more powerful, and that is to choose truth so you can finally live.
Speaker 1:So by now you're probably saying, okay, great, we got this false self. What the fuck are we going to do with it? So let's break it down. Here's some tools that I've helped me, and I've helped other men, to recognize the false self. One, recognize it. Call out the mask.
Speaker 1:The false self thrives in the shadows. The first step is learning to notice when you're slipping into it. Here's a couple of prompts that I've used that could help navigate to get closer to the truth. Where in my life do I feel like I have to perform or impress? When do I feel fake, numb or disconnected? What do I hide from others? Because I'm afraid it makes me look weak? So start to zone in and start to connect to these questions as you navigate through your day. See what comes up from that place, journal it, make a little note. Be brutally honest, not to shame yourself, but to reclaim the man that's underneath all the armor.
Speaker 1:Two slow down, be still. Most men stay busy as hell because they're afraid of what they'll feel if they stop. But stillness is where the false self starts to loosen its grip. Sit in silence for 10 to 20 minutes a day. No phone, no music, no distractions. Let whatever emotion comes Anger, sadness, guilt, boredom Feel it all. Don't run, just breathe with it. Inhale, exhale, breathe with that part of you, because in the stillness your true self will start to speak. The more that still you are, the more you actually hear.
Speaker 1:Three confess, speak the truth somewhere safe. The false self is held together by silence and secrecy, so one of the most powerful things that you can do is speak your truth to another man, and I've talked about this before. I have a healing group called the Gathering. This is what we do. We call ourselves out. We come out of hiding. When you speak, the truth can sound like here's what I've been pretending, here's what I'm afraid people will find out about me. Here's who I really am. Underneath it all. It's terrifying, but it's also freeing and it's where real connection begins.
Speaker 1:Four surrender Let go of control. This is the hardest part, because the false self is obsessed with control. It wants to control how others see you. It wants to control outcomes, emotions and the unknown. But surrender isn't weakness. Surrender is trust. It's saying I no longer need to manage everyone's perception of me. I no longer need to hustle for love. I trust that who I am and my raw, unpolished truth is enough Now. This doesn't happen overnight. It's a practice. Again, practice doesn't make perfection. It makes progress. It's a way of living. But every moment you surrender, even a little, you create a space for the real you to rise. You don't have to figure all this out right now. You just need to take one honest step, one moment of awareness, one breath of stillness, one act of truth, and if you do that enough times, the lie begins to unravel and you begin to remember who you are. The real you is not behind some mountain. You have to climb Underneath everything you've been taught to be. All you have to do is stop hiding from him.
Speaker 1:Now, here's the truth most men want to avoid in their entire lives. To truly live, you have to be willing to die, and not just once, gentlemen, over and over again. See, we don't become who we were born to be by adding more titles, stacking more money or collecting more women. We become who we are by letting go, by dying to everything we thought made us worthy. So something deeper, something truer can rise in its place.
Speaker 1:See, the problem is we're addicted to safety. We want to hold on. We have this illusion of safety and death, even symbolic death, feels unsafe. But hear me on this Every time you let go of control, that's a death. Every time you tell the truth instead of performing, that's a death. Now, every time you sit with your pain instead of avoiding it, that's a death. Oh, and it hurts, but it is holy, because every death of the false self, the real man gets a little closer to the surface.
Speaker 1:You know, I once heard you can tell a person's life by their attitude toward death. Now think about that. If a person denies death, they think they have all the time in the world. If they know death is always around the corner and is always happening, they live more fully alive, embracing every moment they have. Now here's something most of us never slow down enough to feel we are actually dying.
Speaker 1:Every moment, every breath you take is a death and a rebirth. Every second that passes is a second that will never come again. Every version of you that existed a moment ago is already fucking gone, but we don't want to see that. We distract, we grip, we try to hold life still, because deep down, we're terrified of death, not just physical death, but the death of who we think we are. But I'm here to tell you life is death and death is life. One cannot exist without the other. Every moment is an invitation to let go of what was, to surrender control, to stop performing, to stop clinging and to simply just be. This breath dies. In the next, the version of you dissolves into the man you're becoming. The question, then, is are you willing to let go of what's already gone? We suffer the most when we try to keep alive what's already dead that relationship, that identity, that belief about who you had to be to survive. It's already dying and that's not a curse, that's freedom. When you realize you're dying every moment, you stop waiting, you stop pretending, you stop living like you've got time to waste, you start telling the truth, you start feeling what you've been avoiding, you start showing up raw, present and alive. So let this moment be a small death. Let this breath be a release. Let this part of you that's still performing finally exhale. Let go, let die, let live, because the only way to truly live is to stop running from death.
Speaker 1:Life. You know what they say the hardest thing at the end of life is it's not the pain, it's not the dying, it's regret. Those people at their final stretch of life and you know what they say. They don't say I wish I made more money, I wish I worked more hours, I wish I looked tougher. No, no, no. These people say why didn't I live more? Why didn't I love more? Why didn't I laugh more? Why was I so damn afraid all the time?
Speaker 1:Now that hits us like a fucking gut punch, the realization that you spent your whole life, surviving but not truly living. And most men are still doing it. They're waking up every day in a body that's alive, but a soul that's numb, going through the motions, playing roles, following rules they never questioned. And underneath all of it is fear Fear of being seen, fear of failing, fear of not being enough, fear of losing control. But here's what I want you to hear the real tragedy is not that we die. The tragedy is that we never fully live before we do.
Speaker 1:So what are you waiting for? Right? The right time, the perfect plan, more approval from people who don't even know who the real you. You don't need more time. You need more truth, more presence, more courage to live from your heart, not from your fear. Because when your time comes and it will I want you to be able to look back and say I didn't waste it. I felt it all. I loved like hell. I said the words I needed to say, I let go of the mask. I lived, not perfectly Remember, we're not perfect but honestly. And that's what peace looks like, and you don't have to wait until your deathbed to find it.
Speaker 1:So let me leave you with this. What if this is the first moment of the rest of your life, not tomorrow, not next year, not when you're finally healed or everything makes sense right now. What if this breath, this moment of awareness, is the exact moment your life begins to change? Because here's what most people never realize Transformation. Transformation doesn't take time, it takes truth. And when truth hits you fully, like in your heart, in your body, transformation is instantaneous. It's not a slow climb, it's a decision, it's a surrender, it's a return to who you've always been underneath the mask. You don't have to carry the old story one step further. You don't have to keep performing, proving, pretending You've died a thousand small deaths to get to this point. Now, choose to live, choose to love, choose to feel, choose to finally come home to yourself right here, right now, because the most powerful moment of your life, the only moment that ever mattered, is the one you're in. And what if this is it?
Speaker 1:Look, guys, I just want to say thank you for listening to this episode, thank you for walking this path with me today. If something inside you cracked open, don't close it back up. Let the light in, let the old fall away and remember you're not behind, you're not broken, you're just waking up. If this message moved, you send it to another man who's ready to awaken, and if you really enjoy this, please leave some words, some feedback. What landed for you? I love hearing what you have to say. So be real, be raw, be free. And men, we need to come out of hiding.