When Conversations Drain You

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SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hello, my friend. Welcome back. I'm so happy to be here today. We missed a week because I lost my voice. I could not believe it. I couldn't believe it. I felt like The Little Mermaid. My voice was just gone. And so I rested. I laid on the couch and I watched a lot of Gilmore girls. And I also watched The Good Witch. Have you seen that? It was like an old Hallmark show, and there's maybe like eight or nine seasons. I really like that show. It's really cozy, it's like comfortable, and I really love the main character in it. Her name's Cassie, and she is the Good Witch, and she owns this little shop that's magical. And I don't know, I just really relate to her. And what's crazy is her shop number is building number 107, and that was our address when we were in Utica. And so I'm like, oh my gosh, small world. Anyway, today I want to talk about something that's maybe a little bit serious, however, I think it's really, really, really helpful. And that is the subject of draining conversations. So without further ado, here we go. Let's dive in. Have you ever noticed that you can have two conversations about almost the exact same thing, and yet you walk away feeling totally differently? So maybe both conversations were about anxiety or grief or relationship problems or fear, something really painful and really heavy. And yet, one conversation leaves you feeling really connected and hopeful and full of love, maybe even really grateful that you had that conversation. And the other conversation leaves you feeling totally drained, like someone unplugged your battery. And you probably walk away from that conversation and you keep thinking about it for hours, and you try and ground yourself or go for a walk or sit outside or take a shower or meditate. You do all of the things that normally help you come back to yourself, but yet you still feel depleted. Because if the topic is equally heavy, how could it be that one conversation feels healing and one conversation feels physically and emotionally exhausting? I used to think that okay, maybe in those exhausting conversations I wasn't grounded enough, or maybe I'm just too sensitive, or maybe I wasn't protecting my energy. But over time I realized something really, really important. It usually is not the topic that determines how a conversation is going to feel for you afterward, it's all about the direction the conversation is moving. There is such a difference between somebody talking because they're trying to heal through something and somebody talking because they're looking for somewhere to place their pain. And before I go any further, I want to be really careful and really clear with this conversation. This is not about judging people. Every single one of us has gone through really hard lessons in life. We've all repeated ourselves while trying to make sense of something that's happened. Every single one of us has vented before. When someone is genuinely trying to heal, they don't have to be cheerful. Some part of them really wants clarity. And while these conversations can be incredibly deep and very emotional, they don't leave you feeling depleted. And you feel grateful that they trusted you. You feel hopeful. And it's not because their problem totally disappeared, but it's because there was movement. Those are the other conversations. It's where it's the same story, the same frustration, the same problem over and over and over again, and every solution has a reason as to why it won't work, every perspective gets dismissed immediately before it's even considered. Every attempt to shift the conversation just circles right back to the beginning. There's no openness, there's no self-responsibility. Typically, the conversation's very one-sided, and nothing changes, nothing moves. Eventually, in these conversations, you realize the conversation is not about healing, it's simply a place for someone to unload. And this is where kind, compassionate support can quietly turn into carrying someone else's pain for them. At first, it's sneaky because it feels loving, it feels like you care about this person. Of course, you want to listen, of course, you want to be there, of course you want to help. But after a while, something starts to happen. Your body might start to feel super tense, super heavy. You might walk away from that conversation thinking about their problem while you're making dinner or replaying that conversation over and over, trying to come up with the right thing to do, the right thing to say, the right way to help. And the truth can be that you are trying harder than they are, you're working harder for somebody's healing than they are. You've shifted from supporting to carrying their load, and that is not healthy for you, and it's not healthy for them. Because when somebody unloads their pain onto another person without taking any ownership, they may feel temporary relief, they may feel lighter, but nothing actually changes. The pain is simply transferred onto another person for a while, but eventually it comes back, and then they need another person to dump their pain onto. So one person is becoming exhausted while the other person temporarily feels relief. What's truly upsetting about this is that the person dumping their pain never gets the opportunity to discover that they're capable of their own healing. And so when this happens, nobody is truly helped. So, what can we do when we find ourselves in these draining conversations? One thing that can help is to ask somebody what kind of support they actually want. You can simply ask, do you want me to just listen, or do you want me to help you to think through this or to feel through this? Sometimes people really do just need to vent, and that's okay, but you're still allowed to decide whether or not you have the capacity for it in that moment. You can really truly care about somebody, and you can still say, I want to listen, but I don't have the energy for a heavy conversation today. That is not abandonment, that is beautiful self-awareness, that's self-respect. And that's actually a beautiful thing to model in life. Another clue that a conversation has become really unhealthy is when you start to feel trapped inside of it. You feel like you can't disagree, you can't change the subject, you can't end the conversation, you feel like you have to keep listening because if you stop, they'll think you don't care. Good healthy support should still allow you to be a separate person. You should be able to love somebody without becoming responsible for their emotional state and without having to agree with everything that they're saying. And this is where boundaries become really very loving. Sometimes a boundary can be super simple. It could be something like, you know, you sense that a heavy conversation is coming, and so you say, I have 10 minutes, and for these 10 minutes, I'm more than happy to listen. But then you honor that 10 minutes for yourself. And when those 10 minutes are up, you end the conversation, you walk away. Could also be something really simple like, I love you, but I don't have the capacity for a heavy conversation right now. Or we've talked about this a few times, and I really feel like we're starting to go in circles. Or what I really love is what do you feel like you really need right now? Now, these boundaries can feel really uncomfortable, especially if you're someone that's used to being the listener. But discomfort doesn't mean that you're doing something wrong, it just means that you're doing something different. So don't confuse guilt with responsibility. You may feel guilty when you end a conversation or when you stop trying to solve somebody else's problems. That feeling of guilt does not automatically mean that you've done something unkind. Sometimes guilt simply shows up when you stop playing a role that you've played for a very long time. You can love somebody deeply and still recognize that you cannot be the place where all of their pain gets deposited. Sometimes the very most loving thing you can do is to stop rescuing. Instead of coming up with another solution, try turning the question back toward them. You know, saying things like, What do you think your next step is? What do you feel like would actually help? What are you willing to do differently? It's not cold, even though it can feel cold because we're not used to it, but what it actually is is you believing in them, you empowering them, you giving them the tools to move through this, to be their own healer. And it's also important to recognize that you are not always the right person to help somebody move through something. They may need a therapist, a doctor, a support group, someone with some expertise that you don't have. So there is nothing wrong with saying, I really care about you, but I don't think I'm the right person to help you move through this. When we start approaching conversations in this matter, like I said, we can feel guilty, we can feel cold, it can feel weird, it can feel wrong, it can feel unkind. But boundaries often feel that way. They often feel that way when we begin implementing them. It doesn't mean you're doing something mean, okay? It means that you are protecting your peace and you're actually trying to help them in the most loving way that you know how. And so I think it's also really important to be able to look at ourselves in this capacity, right? Because sometimes we are that person who's doing the dumping. I've been there. I've been there. If we're being honest, you've probably been there too. Sometimes life feels so overwhelming that we ourselves keep repeating the same story to people over and over because we hope that by saying it, it will finally start to make some sense. And there's no shame in recognizing that. It's simply just an invitation for us to become aware to ask ourselves: Am I looking for support right now, or am I looking for somebody to carry this for me? Am I open to anything changing? Am I willing to consider a different perspective? These are questions that are not meant to shame us, they are meant to return us to ourselves. And there's one more thing I really want to say. You don't have to actually decide whether somebody wants to heal in order to set a boundary. We can never fully know what's happening inside another person. So maybe they do want to heal, but they're scared or they're stuck or they don't have the tools yet. You don't have to figure all of that out. You only have to recognize when a dynamic is no longer healthy for you to participate in, that's enough. And after one of these conversations, instead of only trying to clear the energy and move on, ask yourself what happened. Did I ignore the moment I wanted to leave? Did I start feeling responsible for making them feel better? Was I afraid that they would be upset if I set a boundary? That reflection tells you what boundary may be needed next time. So the next time you walk away from a heavy conversation, notice how you feel and maybe write it down. Do you feel connected? Do you feel hopeful? Do you feel like something slightly shifted? Or do you feel responsible? Do you feel trapped? Do you feel like you are carrying something that was never yours? Your body is so wise. A lot of the time it will tell you what's happening before your mind has found the words. So pay attention. And I want to leave you with this. The people who truly help us heal are not always the people who will listen to the same story for forever. Sometimes they're the people who love us enough to gently turn us back towards ourselves. Healing is not about finding someone who can carry your pain. It's about finding people who will walk beside you while you learn how to carry it differently. You can care about people without carrying all of their pain, their hurt, and their problems. That is not your responsibility. It's theirs. You can be a safe person without being an emotional dumping ground. And you can love someone without losing yourself inside of what they're going through. Remember that this is a practice that it can take time to get used to. You can do really great with it in one conversation and really struggle with it in another conversation. Honor your boundaries and how you're feeling and what your intuition is telling you. I love you. I love you so much. I hope this conversation gives you permission to protect your peace with compassion. Until next time, be gentle with yourself. And I am here with you. So much love. Bye for now.