Unhitched But Not Unhinged Podcast

E1: Charting a Course Through Divorce: The Guiding Light of Coaching and Financial Foresight

• Tessa James

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Navigating the stormy seas of divorce can leave anyone adrift, but with Tessa James, a seasoned divorce coach, at the helm, our latest episode becomes a lighthouse for those seeking safe harbor. Through heartfelt discussion, Tessa James and Susan Lee chart a course for listeners that reveals the often-underappreciated value of a divorce coach. From the emotional ballast they provide to the tactical wisdom, such guides are more than just a shoulder to lean on; they are strategic partners in setting realistic goals, connecting clients with a network of professionals, and delivering co-parenting advice that keeps children's interests at the forefront. Our conversation spotlights how a non-judgmental sounding board, a service that friends and family may struggle to offer, is crucial in fostering resilience during these challenging times.

The personal stakes of divorce coaching are laid bare as Tessa shares her own tumultuous experiences with two distinct marital breakdowns, one entwined with an abusive relationship and a concurrent battle against breast cancer. Our episode is a testament to the strength found in vulnerability, showcasing not only the support offered to women but also the unique challenges divorcing dads face, as they too navigate the complexities of ending a marriage. We underscore the importance of financial foresight in divorce, emphasizing a balanced approach for a healthier post-divorce life. For anyone at the precipice of such a life-altering decision or simply intrigued by the inner workings of divorce coaching, Tessa and Susan extend a lifeline of understanding and compassionate guidance through these intricate personal trials.

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Tessa James Coaching LLC
8605 Santa Monica Blvd PMB 241428
West Hollywood, CA 90069-4109
(818) 584-5565
tessa@trustintessa.com

Produced by Video Pro San Diego and recorded at the GoBeRewarded Podcasting Studio in San Diego. Visit the VPSD here https://www.videoprosandiego.com/

Tessa James:

Hello, welcome. I'm Tessa James, your divorce coach and mentor, and I'm Susan. It's always such a great time to spend time with you, Susan. Thanks. Now. You have a background in psychology, as do I. I always find you to be a voice of reason in this crazy beautiful world. Well, sister, we have an informative podcast for you today. I'm so excited to be here and talk to you about the benefits of partnering with a divorce coach.

Susan Lee:

Yes, tessa, so tell us what is a divorce coach.

Tessa James:

All right, A divorce coach typically is a certified professional who provides guidance, support and practical assistance to individuals contemplating or in process, or even beyond the process of divorce.

Susan Lee:

Okay, so that's what a divorce coach does. Can you share some of the services a divorce coach can provide? Yeah, sure.

Tessa James:

A coach has a responsibility to discover, clarify and align with what the client wants to achieve. So I encourage client self-discovery. I elicit client-generated solutions and strategies, while holding the client responsible and accountable. In addition, I provide emotional support and, because divorce is an emotionally challenging experience, I provide a supportive and understanding ear for my clients. I help my client navigate the emotional turmoil that often accompanies the end of a marriage. I can also provide communication assistance. I help my clients communicate effectively with their soon-to-be ex-spouse, their children and other relevant parties, always advocating for my client.

Susan Lee:

I think this is critical. Communication is it's like the glutes, like the mortar for all relationships and it's always broken by the time people reach this point. So bolstering somebody, helping somebody with this skill set, I think is really critical.

Tessa James:

Yes, absolutely, and goal setting and planning is involved, and this is super important. I help individuals set realistic goals for the divorce process and develop a strategic plan for achieving these goals. They may involve helping my clients prioritize their needs and identify what they want to achieve during and after the divorce. I'm also a resource and referral assistant. Some of my clients actually refer to me as their divorce concierge. I tend to envelop my client in a bubble of support. I have a network of professionals such as lawyers, financial advisors, therapists and mediators to whom I can refer my clients to. I also provide information about community resources and support services. I do decision-making support. I'm my client's sounding board and thinking partner. I help my clients make informed decisions about issues such as child custody, financial settlements and property division. I provide guidance on evaluating options and weighing the potential outcomes of different choices.

Susan Lee:

Wow, that's great. It's a lot and that's a good thing. You need a lot when you're going through a divorce, for sure, for sure, a little more. The Unhinged but Unhinged, not Unhinged podcast. The content posted by Tessa James is presented solely for general informational purposes and entertainment purposes.

Tessa James:

I am a professional coach and I am your friend and I always have your back, but not an attorney. That's right, I am not an attorney. One of the other things that I do with my clients is help with co-parenting guidance. I can provide guidance on how to co-parent effectively, minimize conflict and prioritize the well-being of their children. Overall, Susan, I think a divorce coach aims to empower individuals to navigate the divorce process with greater confidence, clarity and emotional resilience. I do not provide legal advice, but I do Do work in conjunction with divorce attorneys to support clients through the emotional and practical aspects of divorce.

Susan Lee:

So a divorce coach can fill a lot of roles and you provide numerous benefits. That's great. What I do want to mention really quick is your website, wwwtrustintessacom, so please check it out if you want to have a chat with Tess. And so can you tell us a little bit about the advantages of working with a divorce coach?

Tessa James:

Yeah, Some of the benefits of hiring and partnering with me. There are numerous benefits. The primary advantages of working with me is the client gets emotional support. We know that divorce can be an emotionally challenging experience and I offer support and guidance to help individuals navigate their feelings and emotions during this difficult time. Very rarely will a family law attorney have the abundance of time to discuss the emotional side of divorce.

Susan Lee:

And plus they're billing you for all that time right, that's right.

Tessa James:

Yes, typically, my cost per hour is quite substantially less.

Susan Lee:

Well, even if you were so inclined, most attorneys don't want to hear it.

Tessa James:

They don't want to hear it. That's true. Yeah, I can help provide clarity and focus as they make important decisions during the divorce process, and I provide a non-judgmental space for clients to explore their options, so a divorce coach can help them make more informed choices.

Susan Lee:

And that's super helpful. And during a divorce everything can be so all-consuming. I can attest that my divorce was not something I really wanted to share with my family, friends, certainly coworkers, I mean. It's a lot of private, personal stuff, so I didn't want any of that out there, and so it's helpful sometimes to have somebody, unbiased, specifically there to listen and guide me with a little rationality, but certainly advocacy. I mean I get that.

Tessa James:

Yeah, definitely, and a client really wants to protect their friends and family as well as protect themselves, and there is something real about divorce conversation fatigue and that can definitely set in. Do you know what I mean by that?

Susan Lee:

Well, I do yeah, I do. When you lean on your, you know there's only so many people you can lean on with really a lot of private, a lot of embarrassing information.

Tessa James:

A lot of personal information Financial fidelity.

Susan Lee:

You know it's stuff you don't want to share and I've had friends sort of avoid me a little bit. I've been on that side as well, or they can overshare Right?

Tessa James:

Yeah, absolutely. So I can assist in helping manage conflicts that arise in the divorce process. For example, susan, my clients most complex issues tend to be child custody and division of assets, so I sit down with my client and together we discuss the goals that are within these issues. The result of this is my client feels a lot more in control because there is a strategy in place, but together we make sure the goals are realistic and the client gets an idea of what the process and end all may look like.

Tessa James:

One of the biggest benefits to my client is reduced stress. I mean, going through a divorce can be incredibly stressful and I can help my clients manage their stress levels by providing tools for coping with emotional challenges of divorce. This also leads me to discuss the importance of self-care. I cannot stress this enough, and self-care can look very, very different to different people.

Tessa James:

When we are in a chronic state of stress, we don't tend to treat ourselves kindly and we can tend to be neglectful in areas such as providing ourselves with good nutrition during a time of craving comfort foods.

Tessa James:

Y'all know what I'm talking about. So being kind to ourselves by providing our bodies with nutrients and being health focused is vital being ourselves through attending therapy sessions, providing self-care through a simple bubble bath at the end of the day, simple exercise like a walk around the block, maybe 15 minutes of daily meditation. Together with my client, we can plan out a daily routine and focus on reducing stress, and what the client then tends to feel is empowerment. So when there's a plan in place and their needs are being met, I basically help empower clients by helping them build confidence and self-esteem as they navigate this process. I provide support and encouragement to help clients feel more in control of their lives during such a tumultuous time, and this can be created through simple daily affirmations, a morning chat on the phone with me I do provide that to my clients or being active and participating in a daily workout schedule.

Susan Lee:

And all of this. Self-care is super important, but not but, and the practical guidance that you can provide on a wide range of issues is really important too, such as creating a post-divorce budget, organizing financial documents and developing a co-parenting plan.

Susan Lee:

You know all of this forms a roadmap and I think definitely when you have a roadmap, you know this tunnel that you can go through in divorce can be long and it can be dark, but if you have that tiny, if you have a roadmap and you know that there's that light out there, it can reduce stress because you know what you're going through.

Tessa James:

Yeah, if you think about the time or a time when you were just so underwater you're feeling so underwater and under so much stress. As somebody comes along and helps you, you know, put it on paper and put a plan in place, you really do start to feel more in control of your life. Absolutely so important. Ultimately, summing it up, a divorce coach can play a valuable role in helping individuals through the divorce process by providing emotional support, practical guidance and empowering clients to make informed decisions as they move forward with their lives.

Susan Lee:

So I have some questions for you, Tess.

Tessa James:

Oh boy.

Susan Lee:

So it's sort of a two-part question. So can you share a brief story about one of your clients Of course no names, right and also share a little story about yourself? How did you get into this? Why divorce coaching?

Tessa James:

I will be happy to, susan. As you know, this requires me to be vulnerable and I'll tell you. If you haven't seen Bernay Brown's TED Talk on YouTube about the power of vulnerability, I encourage you to do so. There's actually a famous quote on being vulnerable. Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, it's understanding the necessity of both, it's engaging, it's being all in. Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy and creativity, and it is the source of hope, empathy, accountability and authenticity. And did you know that last year, authenticity was the number one word used? Just a little fun fact. Oh yeah, I do know that.

Tessa James:

So my story give you a little glimpse into my world. I have been married twice. Open up that crazy bag of hair. Oh boy. I have been married twice. My first marriage was short term and resulted in two beautiful sons.

Tessa James:

My second marriage was to an abusive, alcoholic narcissist with a lot of highs but, unfortunately, a lot of lows A rollercoaster, to say the least. In both marriages I experienced loneliness, depression and stress. I've experienced, with high conflict, divorce, high net worth, going through a 730 evaluation, being on a low income community program called WIC, that's, women and Children, so I could feed myself and my children while trying to recover child support. That was a very tumultuous time. I also have experience with a judge making a decision in one of my cases as a move away case, and those can be very difficult cases and can take time for the courts to rule on. Always keeping the best interests of the child is a top priority for the courts.

Tessa James:

But I'll tell you, most devastating was a few years ago when I was married, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and it was during this time I really experienced just how abusive and unsupportive my current husband at the time was.

Tessa James:

I was totally in it alone and while going through treatment I was at my most weak, both physically and emotionally. But I was determined to file for divorce when I was strong enough, and that's exactly what I did. So I basically strategized for a little over a year and that's what I did. I filed for divorce, I found an amazing family law attorney and I have now become the coach that I wished I had years ago. So I would also like to mention a percentage of my client's fees are donated to a breast cancer foundation, and you can actually get more information on that on my website, trustintessacom. So two different spouses, two very different divorces and I think I do have a lot to share. So the big why I do this work is I want to be of service and I want to see people truly feel empowered and I really do have my clients back.

Susan Lee:

I know you do and I think when people have a passion to help others, it's often borne out of our own experiences and struggles. So thank you for sharing yours. We're both women and moms. We can't help but look through life through those lenses. So how often do you have dads reach out to you?

Tessa James:

You know, more often than some people would think, I think that there are a lot of divorcing dads that don't have a lot of support. I think most women, find you know, are able to look and find those resources, but a lot of men, you know, sometimes they don't reach out for help and support.

Susan Lee:

Well, we have a different type of social circle, like our village, is very different from a lot of men's. I think as isolating as it can be being with a spouse that you don't want to be with. I think it can be actually more isolating for men.

Tessa James:

Yes, absolutely. And it's not all men that cheat. You know, not all husbands cheat and it's not all husbands that are the narcissist. I mean, it goes both ways.

Susan Lee:

For sure for sure.

Tessa James:

So this may surprise some, but I tend to have a good amount of male clients, you know, mostly divorcing dads, and here is a bit about one of them. So I have a story mid-50s man, 30 year marriage with middle school aged children. Okay, and our partnership actually began a year before he filed for divorce.

Susan Lee:

A year.

Tessa James:

His top priority was shielding his children from divorce trauma, so we worked together so that he understood the divorce process, especially coming from a divorced mom's perspective, and he had a clear roadmap of expectations surrounding his goals. Therapists were put in place, a financial advisor was engaged, and we interviewed divorce attorneys together and formulated an exit strategy. As a result, he was very well prepared and he picked his battles based on his goals and he tended to save a lot of money.

Susan Lee:

That's really important because, you know the divorce process, the court system. You can have a five year marriage, you can have a 55 year old marriage and it can tend to just devolve into dollars and cents. It can, it can.

Tessa James:

And it's not just men that care about how much money they're gonna spend on a divorce with women too.

Susan Lee:

But yeah, well, there's gonna be life. There has to be life for both parties afterwards, so, but I think that's a wrap. Thanks, tessa, for being vulnerable that's not easy and explaining the benefits of partnering with you as a divorce coach and for our audience. Thanks for tuning in. If you're interested in chatting with Tessa, please visit wwwtrestintessacom for a complimentary discovery session with her, and we look forward to speaking to you again and have a positive and productive day and remember I've got your back.

Tessa James:

Nobody can push one of us into the 식아합니다. We're all like.