Encore Episode: Writing about Absent Fathers and Attachment Styles with Acamea Deadwiler

Join me and Pushcart Nominee, TedX Speaker, and multi-passionate creative, Acamea Deadwiler for this encore episode where we talk about normalized violence, how our attachment styles can influence the way we approach our memoirs, and the importance of connecting with your inner compass. During our conversation, you’ll also learn what transcendental meditation is and how Acamea used her TM practice while writing her memoir, Daddy’s Little Stranger.

Acamea’s bio: Acamea Deadwiler is a Pushcart Prize nominated memoirist and essayist who received praise from Publishers Weekly and authored the memoir, Daddy’s Little Stranger. Her work has appeared in Bellevue Literary Review, North American Review, and Beyond Words Literary Magazine, among other publications. Acamea’s media features include the New York Post, Cosmopolitan, Bustle, and the FOX television network. She is also a TEDx speaker. Currently residing in Nevada, Acamea is an Indiana native. She is a fellow in the MFA program at Randolph College.

Resources Mentioned During This Episode:

• How Different Attachment Styles Affect Relationships
• What is Transcendental Meditation
• Ditch Your Inner Critic Now
• Sign Up for Revise Your Memoir 

Episode Highlights

• 1:00 The Stories We Carry
• 7:00 Dealing with Normalized Violence
• 11:29 Choosing the Right Moments When Trauma Is High
• 15:30 Writing About Abandonment
• 18:00 Attachment Styles and Storytelling
• 24:12: Essay Collections vs Memoir
• 28:00 Writing About Bad Behavior
• 35:19 Transcendental Meditation and Writing
• 41:50 Connecting With Your Inner Compass
• 43:00 Acamea’s Best Writing Advice

Connect with Acamea: 

• Instagram - @acamea
• Twitter - @acameald
• Website - acameadeadwiler.com
• Book - Daddyslittlestranger.com

Sign up for Revise Your Memoir series: https://bit.ly/4ooLTDi

Connect with your host, Lisa:
Get Your Free Copy of Ditch Your Inner Critic: https://lisacooperellison.com/subscribe/
Website | Instagram | YouTube | Facebook | LinkedIn

Produced by Espresso Podcast Production

Chapters

• 0:00 WYRP_Acamea Deadwiler Interview_Video
• 26:40 Marker
• 27:27 Marker

Transcript

Transcript for Writing Your Resilience Podcast Episode 104

Encore Episode: Writing about Absent Fathers and Attachment Styles with Acamea Deadwiler

Lisa [00:00]:

Well, hello, Acamea. I am so glad that you’re on the podcast today. Welcome to the Writing Your Resilience podcast.

Acamea [00:06]:

I’m happy to be here. Thank you for having me.

Lisa [00:10]:

I want to thank you for allowing me to read your book, Daddy’s Little Stranger, which I have right here. This book had so many heart punches in all the best ways.

I really resonated with it. I’m going to talk about what I loved in a minute, but I always like to give the author a chance to let us know what you’d like us to know about your book.

Acamea [00:32]:

That’s wonderful to hear. You know, you put something out into the world, and it means something to you, but you’re not always sure how it will land with others. So, whenever I hear it resonated with someone, I’m like, “Okay, I did a good job.”

For me, this book is really about reflection—looking at parts of myself and my life that I once glossed over, thinking they didn’t affect me. But everything affects us in some way, whether subconsciously or unconsciously. So, this book was my way of going back and really examining the child version of myself.

As an adult, I feel pretty well-adjusted, pretty balanced in my life, but we carry these children inside us. These child parts often make decisions for us, think for us, and we just move through life, saying, “Oh, that’s just how I am,” without questioning why.

I wanted to go back, hold that child who was never held, and bring her along to where I want us to be today. So, it’s about examining things from my childhood that shaped who I am and reconciling issues, thoughts, and beliefs I hadn’t looked at before.

Lisa [02:05]:

I love how you talk about these child parts of us that run the show, because I can definitely say I’ve had that happen. If we don’t examine it, these parts do run us. They influence our decisions, our thinking, and our lives in ways we don’t expect. I felt very connected with the child in this story. You rendered her so well, showing her as both strong and vulnerable.

One aspect that resonated with me is that this is a Rust Belt story. Your story takes place in Gary, Indiana, but that idea of being from a place with a specific history of prosperity and then a huge economic decline—that hit home for me. I grew up in Elmira, New York, a place that lost most of its jobs in the 1980s. In fact, the economic decline was so steep that it made the New York Times.

At one point, unemployment was over 9 percent, and it’s still that way. What’s interesting is seeing how the people I grew up with carry that story. There’s this sense that it will never get better, a self-image shaped by coming from a place that “failed.”

Acamea [3:51]:

Absolutely. Someone asked me recently what could be done to revitalize Gary—bringing in jobs, new opportunities, things like that. But, as you said, once a place has been in decline for so long, the people carry that story. Bringing in jobs might help, but there’s a mentality that develops, and that’s the hardest part to change. People adapt to a certain way of life, and just creating jobs won’t necessarily change the mindset that has been built over decades.

Lisa [05:13]:

Generations of people inheriting that mindset can truly impact a place. I can say that for people I know from my hometown, there’s a strong belief that they can’t get ahead, that opportunities won’t appear. It’s not that people are lazy; it’s that they don’t always believe their efforts will bear fruit.

Acamea [06:00]:

Exactly. It’s easy to write people off as lazy or criminal without considering what’s informing that behavior. As you said, it’s a mindset: “This is how it is.” People don’t see a way out, and if you start to believe that nothing you do matters, it’s hard to feel motivated.

Lisa [06:36]:

Yes, absolutely. One of the things we talked about over email—and I saw it in your book as well—is the concept of normalized violence. When we grow up in places where violence is the norm, it becomes static in the background. Only when you extricate yourself from those situations do you start to feel the fear or the imbalance that you once lived with. I’d love to hear your thoughts on normalized violence as a concept. Then we’ll dive into how you wrote your book.

Acamea [07:28]:

You really have to leave the environment to see that it’s not “normal.” It’s normal for us, but when you grow up in it and never leave, you think that’s just how life is. Movies and TV can reinforce that belief, but when you get out, you realize there’s more to the world.

I moved to the West Coast over a decade ago, but even then, I noticed I carried some of those mindsets. For example, when I first bought a TV, I waited until the middle of the night to take the box to the garbage. Where I’m from, if someone knew you bought something new, they’d break into your house and steal it. So, we learned to hide things, only taking them out at night. It’s one way that mindset stays with you.

Lisa [09:00]: And the number of break-ins you mention in the book! I vividly remember that part, about sneaking packages in. When you live in an area like that, it’s smart. I lived somewhere with frequent break-ins, and one night I actually heard people trying to break in while I was sleeping in the living room. We nailed the windows shut because it happened so often. Fortunately, I didn’t live there long, but while I was there, it just became normal that you couldn’t have anything because it would be taken.

Acamea [10:08]:

Exactly. That’s another way of adapting to an environment where you feel constantly threatened. Even after I moved away and the threat wasn’t there anymore, it took me a while to realize it.

Lisa [10:36]:

Another thing that really helps depict that in your story is the boyfriends—not necessarily your mom’s boyfriends, though we’ll get into that—but the narrator has her own boyfriends. You reveal a lot about her world through small, telling moments. As you were deciding what to include in the book, how did you choose which moments mattered most?

Acamea [12:00]:

I could have told so many more stories, but I tried to choose the ones most relevant to the story and to me. I wanted to show you, rather than tell you, about the environment through what my boyfriend did or things that happened at work. I cut out a lot because I didn’t want to insert things just for shock value. If something didn’t fit the larger flow of the book, I cut it.

One exception was the shooting at the high school football game. I wasn’t there, so I didn’t see it, but it affected me because it led my friends’ parents to put them in different schools.  But I didn’t want to tell other people’s stories without a reason.

Lisa [13:43]:

Yeah, that was important, because friendships play a huge role in the book, and even though this is a story of fatherlessness and abandonment, there are still people who step up.

I was glad you shared that incident. It helped me understand what life was like in your community. You also wrote about things that happened within the family, including an event involving an aunt. The way you described it said so much about how deeply ingrained some of these challenges were. I won’t spoil it for listeners, but moments like that added a lot to the story.

Acamea [14:40]:

Thank you. I tried to keep the focus on the story I wanted to tell—exploring the impact of fatherlessness on daughters.

Lisa [15:14];

Yes, and you did. Here’s a great example from page 152, you wrote, “When you feel abandoned—especially in multiple ways by multiple people—some part of you fears it will happen again.”

That line resonated so much. There are two options: live in the fear or avoid it, but it does not go away on its own.

Acamea [15:32]:

Yeah, yeah, those are your two options. It’s ingrained in you like everything else that you experience. And it’s like, you either embrace it and say, “I’m terrified, you know, that this person is going to leave me.”  And that can lead to a lot of obsessive-compulsive behaviors. Like you hear about people hanging on to partners or, you know, calling someone a hundred times because you’re so afraid they’re not going to come back, or you just need to know where they are. So, you live in it or you avoid it, which is saying, I don’t care, I don’t need anyone. The fear is still there. But you’re just avoiding the fact that it’s still sitting inside of you by going to the extreme the other way and saying, I don’t care, go or stay. You know, stay or go—I don’t care either way. And that’s an avoidance, as opposed to facing it and dealing with it, because it’s still there regardless of which option you choose.

Lisa [16:36]:

Yeah, and you do a great job of talking about attachment style and how being abandoned by multiple parents—there are multiple father figures within this story that came and went. Some seemed like pretty good people, others, definitely not so much. We’re going to talk about how you portray those people in a little bit.

But yeah, so that was going on, and I want to talk about the conversation you wanted to have around attachment style in this book. But before we get to that, some people might not know what attachment style means, so I just want to go over that very quickly.

So, your attachment style is the way that you connect with other people, and there are four main attachment styles. There’s secure, which means you got everything that you needed, and you’re able to have good boundaries with other people. Avoidant means you push people away to avoid the pain of being abandoned again. Anxious is the opposite: you lean in, calling a million times—”Are you okay? Is everything fine?” So, a lot of leaning in versus leaning out. And then, people who often have complex trauma might have what’s called a disorganized attachment style, which is both a mixture of leaning in too much sometimes and then pulling back because they’re not certain which way to go.

Acamea [18:04]:

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Isn’t it interesting, like, the various ways we can attach? Secure attachment, of course, is the goal, but it takes having had that attachment style from childhood to really develop it. If you weren’t securely attached, it’s difficult to even know what that looks like or how it feels. Securely attached, as you said, just means trusting people will show up for you because they always have, because you’ve always felt loved, trusting that people will be there, because they’ve always been there. So, like you said, you’ve gotten everything you needed. So now, as an adult, you are securely attached.

But if you didn’t have that, there are a number of ways you can go in your adult life, even as you’re growing into an adult. It’s where you form friendships and relationships and all those things. It’s very interesting. I always say, like, if I could start over, I would probably go to school for psychology because I’m just fascinated by human behavior and what shapes us into who we are and why we do the things we do.

Lisa [19:14]:

Yeah, I do think it’s really fascinating. For many people who have complex issues with attachment, whether it’s avoidant or anxious or disorganized, it can be a very unconscious thing. It can be very automatic, and it is possible to repair it. Will you repair it in the same way as someone who was raised with secure attachment? Maybe not. But there are a lot of repairs that can happen, and I’m curious to know, how did writing this book and really going back and exploring these issues help you both confront the attachment style that you have and maybe create some repairs around it?

Acamea [20:07]:

It forced me to sit with it. This book initially started as a collection of essays. None of the stories were connected. It was kind of like, I compartmentalized every story: this happened, it’s over, next story. But when working with my publisher and editor, they were like, this should be a memoir. There is a cohesive thread. This is a story. You can put it together. As you know, essays normally have a theme, but the stories aren’t usually connected. Each story is its own thing. And they were like, no, we feel like this is a cohesive story. So, I went back and really had to break it apart and put it together as a cohesive story.

In doing that, it forced me to sit with it longer. You know, you write an essay—maybe it’s a few pages or 10 pages—it’s done, and we’re on to the next. But if I’m looking at how to take this story and connect it throughout the book, I have to sit with everything longer than I would normally. And in sitting with it, I started to see patterns in myself.

I started to see that I have a behavioral pattern and a way that I attached to people that is consistent. For better or worse, it is consistent. And so I started realizing that I do have an attachment style. I just used to always write myself off as, you know, I don’t attach to people easily. I’m just not an emotional person. I don’t want to attach easily; it’s fine. But that in and of itself is an attachment style, because I’m not completely withdrawing from relationships. I am engaging in relationships. I’m just attaching in a way that protected me in a sense because I wouldn’t get emotionally involved or emotionally immersed in relationships. So, when it ended, I didn’t really care. I didn’t have skin in the game. And that itself is an attachment style. Once I started to see this pattern that I’d been repeating in the way that I’ve been attached in relationships, it became clear. Like I said, it’s not like I wasn’t participating in human relationships. I was, but I was attaching in a very specific way that wasn’t fair to the other person or to me.

I think all change starts with a conscious decision, especially when you’re going against your human nature or your natural disposition. It takes a conscious decision to behave this way and to do this thing that makes me uncomfortable. To call this person and say, “I love you,” even if I’m squirming as I do it. And once you make enough of those conscious decisions, it starts to become more comfortable. The goal is that eventually, you get to a point where you don’t have to think about it. It doesn’t have to be a conscious decision. You’ve rewired your brain and behavioral patterns enough that it becomes natural to how you interact with others and the world.

Lisa [23:20]:

Yep, that is so beautifully said. And so hard to do, because, I think, one of the things I have squirmed with at various points in my life and healing journey is when you have to examine patterns and realize that you are the one constant amid everything happening. That’s what’s up. That’s what it all comes down to, and not everyone wants to hear that. But if I feel like someone’s open to it, I’ll say it: if you keep experiencing the same things in relationships, jobs, situations, or whatever, you have to look around and say, “What is the common denominator? I am the common denominator.” So maybe I have to take a look at myself. It can’t always be the other person or the people around me.

Acamea [24:07]:

Yeah, absolutely.

Lisa [24:09]:

One thing you said that’s really interesting is that this book started as an essay collection, and then your publisher said, “That’s not it. It’s got to be something else.”

What I was thinking about when you were talking about this is that, for some people, breaking things apart and looking at separate pieces is an important part of the story and storytelling. But when you’re looking at certain kinds of attachment styles, especially, let’s say, the avoidant attachment style, it’s like one story, one and done, next story, one and done. There’s a separation, right? Then, if you have to write a cohesive story, you have to connect to it differently and find a way to connect and pull it all together.

Acamea [25:08]:

There is. I’d never thought about it that way until you just said it. Even the way I wrote the story was avoidance, you know, avoiding attachment. It’s like, I’m going to write this story, but I’m not going to get that close to it. I’m going to write this essay, and then I’m done, write this other one, and then I’m done. That’s been the pattern in relationships I experienced, but I never connected the two until just now. But yeah, that’s very true. Even the way I set out to write it was in my attachment style. I didn’t want to stay with this too long; I wanted to do this and move on to something else.

Lisa [25:39]:

Isn’t it fascinating the way we do that?

Acamea [25:41]:

It is very fascinating. But yeah, that’s exactly what it was. They said, “You should make this a cohesive memoir,” and I went back and saw that there’s a common thread here. I see the evolution of things. And once I started to put it together in that way, it forced me to stay with the experiences and say, okay, I’m going to make this a continuous narrative, see it through, and stay with these feelings or ideas longer.

It forced me to see things in myself that I wouldn’t have seen had I just continued with separate essays, because again, it wasn’t about connection with a common thread. I feel like it would have been, like I said, compartmentalized. Each story would have been separate. But seeing the thread and following it throughout the entire book allowed me to see certain things about myself that would have gone unnoticed if I’d kept it separate.

And I wanted to put that onto the page and not just say, Oh, this demon. Even like you said, for Kareem, he was probably the worst of the worst, but there was even a moment or two where, you know, I tried to show whatever his motivations were, just this… this softer side of him, so to speak. So it’s important for me to make people full characters on the page because they are full characters and full people in real life, but it becomes difficult, especially with Champ, because this is someone I don’t have much data on. I don’t have any memories about. So I had to think, like, how could I make him a more full character when the whole basis of the book is not having any material on him.

That’s where the speculative aspect comes in. In the book, I mentioned how I found this article about him, and I was just kind of… wow. There he is. So, I took that and kind of imagined a life for him. Of course, I don’t know if that’s actually his life, but I was able to garner a lot from this article that I found, and it helped me imagine who he might’ve been aside from being my father. So I just looked for ways to do that because it became important to me to do this.

When I first started writing, it was more of a revenge tour. Like, the opposite of what we’re

saying here. It was a revenge tour. Like, you did this, and I’m going to tell everyone you did this. But I didn’t like how that felt to me. You know, also, I don’t know that readers necessarily like just someone being railroaded. They look at you like, “Okay, why are you… why are you doing this to this person?” And you don’t know what they were going through. And, well, why are you still talking about these people if they were so terrible?

So, I made this decision that I wanted to try to tell every story that I told from a place of love and empathy. If I’m not close enough to them to really feel deep love, just love in general, and a place of empathy and understanding that whoever you are in my life or were in my life is a very small part of who you are as a person.

And I don’t think we always realize that, especially with parents, we tend to see our parents as parents, not as humans out in the world, and not realizing that they have an entire life outside of us and who they are to us is just one part of that life. And so, acknowledging that and understanding that, it was really important to me to try to find a way to make every character a full character in the sense that they weren’t just whoever they were, they had more than just the role that they played in my life.

Lisa [32:06]:

Yeah. And I think you did that really well. And I can imagine Champ was probably… being the writing coach that I am and thinking about stories, he had to be the hardest one because what you had to accomplish was making him real, and also keeping him absent, because that was his whole purpose in this story. And I’m curious, in terms of your healing process… and before I ask the question, I’m just going to say, I’m glad you had the revenge tour! We all need that draft. Like, that’s an important part of it. Yeah, you have to do that. And, of course, you realize that’s not the final draft. And also, you realize it didn’t feel good. So, it’s not just that it’s not good for other people; it’s not good for ourselves. But one of the ways that you kept Champ both absent and real is through the speculative piece. What was that like for you to write something speculative about him and to connect with him in that way?

Acamea [33:03]:

It was a very visceral experience. That was probably the first time I was able to feel compassion for him. It was probably the first time I felt like, I don’t know… maybe if he reached out to me, especially back then, at the time of the story that I found, maybe I would have, you know, run to help him or save him.

So, the speculation on the type of life that he may have been living or the type of life that he had… again, it helped me see him as more than just my biological father. It helped me see him as this person in the world who was struggling and had issues. And that allowed me to feel a sense of compassion for him. And it became more than, “Oh, you know, you are a deadbeat, or you abandoned me.” It became, like, “Wow, this person had to have been suffering,” which… if you have any ounce of heart inside of you, knowing someone is suffering makes you feel even, you know, a small bit of compassion, even if it’s difficult to really feel for them. But yeah, the speculative aspect and envisioning where his life may have taken him, how he may have been living, was the first time that I was able to actually feel compassion for him and not just, you know, anger or bitterness over how he did… how he did me, in a sense.

Lisa [34:30]:

Yeah. And what I would say for anyone that’s listening, if you are writing and you’ve already done the Revenge Tour, you know, writing speculative scenes where you can imagine things in other ways—whether they belong in your book or not—can be such a powerful tool to help you develop the kind of compassion and broader sight that allows you to see what really belongs in your book, but also how you can round out your characters. There are all these different story tricks that we need to develop.

But then there are things we have to do outside of ourselves. And one thing you mentioned in your book, which we were talking about before I hit the record button, was Transcendental Meditation, which is something that is important to you. Can you tell us first what TM is, because not everybody knows. And you can say that to the best of your ability—we know that you’re not an expert in this—but just your experience of it. And then, like, let’s dive into how that helped you do this writing work.

Acamea [35:33]:

Well, transcendental meditation is a very specific form of meditation that doesn’t rely on breathing or any of the techniques that, you know, we may be familiar with. You can do it anywhere. You can do it in bed, you can do it on an airplane, because it’s just repeating a mantra over and over and over in your mind. And the point is the mantra… you don’t know what the mantra means; it’s just a phrase that they give you to repeat over and over in your mind.

What it does is give your mind just enough to focus on to keep it from straying to thoughts and what’s happening around you. But the fact that you don’t know what it means… it doesn’t give you so much that it requires your concentration or thought process to activate. So, it’s kind of just giving you something to focus on so that you can quiet your mind. And that’s when the meditation actually happens.

Lisa [36:29]:

Yeah, so in quieting your mind and not having a story to build around what that word means or anything else that your mind could be distracted with, you begin to get into this meditative state that allows you to see things in a bigger way. And it’s my understanding that most TM practitioners meditate twice a day for 20 minutes?

Acamea [36:50]:

Yeah, that’s the standard. That’s the way I was taught. I’ve been doing it for so long now, if I’m being honest, I don’t always do the two a day, but I always do the one in the morning. You know, sometimes your day can just get away from you and you won’t find time to sit down in the evenings or the afternoon. But the proper technique is to do it for 20 minutes in the morning and 20 minutes in the evening, and that’s all you need. Those two sessions of 20 minutes…

In the very beginning, when I first started, I stuck to it religiously. You know, when I woke up—20 minutes. When I came home from work—20 minutes. And because it was so transformative, and I was actually seeing results, I wanted to keep with it. It’s just like anything else; after you do it for so long, and I feel like I’m in a really good place, like you said, the evening session doesn’t always get in there, but I always do the morning session. And if I’m particularly struggling with something or having a rough time, I’ll incorporate that second session. I’ll find it, just because it is so helpful.

Lisa [37:49]:

And I love that you talked about the gentleness with your practice—that yes, there is the “right” way to do it, and yet there’s reality. And so many people will beat themselves up, like, “Oh my gosh, I’m not doing it perfectly.” But you found a rhythm that worked for you. And it’s really evident, based on the quality of the prose, the beauty of your prose, that something is working here.

But what I’m also really curious about is how you feel like TM has helped you in your creative practice, both from a writing and a healing perspective.

Acamea [39:48]:

Well, recognizing that I am the common denominator. I am someone for whom accountability is my jam. I’m always looking for ways that I can improve and address the situation because I am the only person I can control. And so, I may be sort of in the minority in that sense, because I’ve never shied away from accountability, especially in areas where I want to grow.

So, I wanted to grow. I wanted to feel better. I wanted to be a more present partner and to emotionally attach to people. I wanted those things. So, if it took looking at myself and altering my behavior, I welcomed that because I wanted change in that area. I wanted to grow. And if I can influence that, that’s even better. I don’t go back to people in my book and ask them to change or be different so I can be different.

Actually, knowing that I am the common denominator was empowering, because I can control me, you know, and I don’t need other people to fix this for me. And then, as far as the characters and the way they are portrayed and things like that—I operate where if something doesn’t feel good to me, I’m probably not going to include it or I’ll adjust it until it does feel good. I think we are our own greatest compass. We are the best indicators of the work we are doing. Your body, heart, and mind know when something isn’t right. If it’s telling you, “This doesn’t feel good, and this isn’t right,” then it’s not. Your body isn’t going to react that way if you’re doing things aligned with how you feel and how you want to portray yourself and others to the world.

Lisa [41:45]:

How do you connect with that inner compass? Because I don’t think everybody knows what it feels like. What does it feel like for you?

Acamea [42:00]:

For me, I feel very… It’s almost… I don’t want to say it’s like a sick feeling, but almost, you know… It’s like, I have this feeling in my stomach—the same way when you know you’ve done something to hurt someone or know the right thing and it messes with you all night. You’re up all night, or even when someone has treated you poorly; you’re up all night thinking about it, restless and feeling anxious. That’s what it feels like for me. That’s when I know, like, this isn’t going the way I want it to.

Because, of course, when you’re writing stories of hurt and things that may have been traumatic, it’s not always going to feel good. Like, “Oh yeah, great story!” You may feel sad, down, or even need to step away, because it’s a little overwhelming. But that’s different from that feeling in the pit of your stomach—that intuition that tells you something isn’t right.

Lisa [43:03]:

Absolutely. And it’s such an important thing for all of us to cultivate, both as human beings and as writers. And I’m so glad that you had such a great publishing team and editors to help you figure this out as you did the work yourself. So, I’m curious: what is the best piece of writing advice that you’ve received?

Acamea [43:30]:

 I’m happy about that too. If that essay collection had come out, it wouldn’t have been as heartfelt or as full as the memoir. I’m happy they pushed me, because I’m not going to pretend I was immediately on board with that. But I’m happy they pushed me and were adamant, like, “This really needs to be a memoir,” because it turned out to be a far better book than it would have been as an essay collection.

The best piece of writing advice, which also helped inform me while writing Daddy’s Little Stranger, I got from Kwame Alexander. I got a scholarship to a Kwame Alexander memoir workshop. He’s mostly known for poetry and children’s books, but he also wrote a memoir and held a memoir workshop. One piece of advice he gave us that I still think about was to “write deep, not wide.” And I thought, “Wow, that’s it right there,” because we have a tendency to go into a room and describe everything in the room and say what it all means to us. When, if the story is about the couch, I want to tell you the couch’s color, how big it is, if it has pillows, how new or old it is, where it’s positioned, rather than telling you about the television and the lamp when the story is about the couch. So “write deep, not wide” is the best piece of writing advice I’ve gotten so far.

Lisa [45:09]:

Nice. That is really good. And I could listen to Kwame Alexander anytime. The cadence of his voice is so wonderful, and he always says such wise things. I’m always like, “Wait, where’s my pencil?”

Acamea [45:27]:

He’s definitely a phenomenal speaker and storyteller. That’s something we talked about too—the way he can captivate an audience is a different skill from writing. But he definitely gave me advice that has stuck with me: write deep, not wide.

Lisa [45:51]:

I’m going to be thinking about that for a while. It’s such a beautiful idea. So how do you care for yourself? I mean, you have your TM practice, but what’s one thing you do to cultivate resilience?

Acamea [46:05]:

I abstain from overindulging in negative stimuli. If there’s something particularly horrifying happening and it’s all over social media, I probably won’t get on social media that day, or I’ll avoid it after I see it once. It’s not helpful for me, and I don’t know that it’s helpful for anyone to be continually bombarded with negativity, horrendous portrayals, and videos of people and events. But especially for me, it’s important to limit negative stimuli. So, I don’t watch the news, and I limit my social media time. Sometimes it can get really bad, and it weighs on your perspective of the world, and your self-perception, and you start to wonder, “Is this the world I want to be part of?”

Also, having worked in media, I understand how storylines are controlled. So sometimes what we’re seeing isn’t even the full picture, and it has a negative impact on us. Limiting my exposure to negative stimuli is a big thing for me so that it doesn’t weigh on me, because it will.

Lisa [47:44]:

Absolutely. That’s something I really try to work on too. For the trauma survivors listening, it is an important skill to cultivate, because all that negative stimuli just activates the parts of your nervous system that you’re trying to heal. And what I try to cultivate for myself is awareness, so that I can engage through action rather than reactivity. Many of those actions don’t take place on social media.

Acamea [48:14]:

Absolutely. Whether it’s social media, people who consistently bring negative energy… We all vent or complain here and there, but if someone always has something negative to say, I have to limit my interactions with them. It can be social media, people, the news—anything that, as a trauma survivor, can disrupt the healing process. You can’t dump salt in those wounds and expect them to heal.

Lisa [48:52]:

Absolutely. Well, I want everyone to buy your book. It is so good, and I really, really enjoyed it. So if people want to buy Daddy’s Little Stranger, what are the best ways for people to connect with you and buy your book?

Acamea [49:13]:

I am on Instagram—I know I just talked about avoiding social media, but I am most active on Instagram at “Acamea” (A-C-A-M-E-A). You can buy my book at Bookshop, Amazon, Barnes and Noble—I’m not going to police where you buy the book. I’d just love for you to read it, and if you do, feel free to reach out. I also have a website, acameadeadwiler.com, but you can order the book wherever you order books—Target, Walmart, everywhere.

Lisa [49:43]:

When you do order, please leave a five-star review and let libraries know you’d like the book. Doing that not only supports libraries and authors but also helps people who need to read these stories but may not have the funds to do so. Well, Acamea, it has been an absolute joy to have you on. Thank you so much for joining me today.

Acamea [50:08]:

Thank you for having me. It’s been wonderful. I appreciate it.