13- You Don’t Need a New Personality—You Need a New Mindset

❓Ever wonder…

•  Why you keep reacting the same way… even when you don’t want to? 
•  Why something small turns into frustration, tension, or a full-blown moment? 
•  Why you can explain that something’s a problem… and the other person just doesn’t see it? 
•  Why you feel like you’re doing everything right—but you’re still overwhelmed and stuck? 

💭 What if it’s not your personality?

In this episode, we’re diving into something most people don’t even realize is running the show:

👉 The invisible rules you’ve created about life, relationships, and yourself.

These rules shape how you:

•  Experience love 
•  Handle conflict 
•  Show up in your marriage and motherhood 
•  And even how you see yourself 

And when your rules collide with someone else’s?
 That’s where the tension, frustration, and confusion come in.

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Transcript

You Don’t Need a New Personality—You Need a New Mindset

Have you ever wondered why you keep reacting the same way… even when you don’t want to?

Why something small turns into frustration… or tension… or a full-blown moment you didn’t plan?

And why you can explain that something’s a problem… and the other person just doesn’t see it?

Or why you feel like you’re doing everything right… but you’re still overwhelmed, still snapping, and still stuck in the same patterns?

Well, here’s the thing.

What if it’s not your schedule…
 not your personality…
 not even the other person…

What if it’s the rules you didn’t realize you created—
 that are quietly running everything in the background?

Because you don’t need a new personality…
 you might just need a new mindset.

So I have to start this off by telling you about my cats… and there is a point here, so stick with me.

We have two cats: Delolah and Deuce.

We’ve had Delolah for about five years, and we just got Deuce this January.

And I love watching them, because they are such good examples of what we actually do to ourselves.

Delolah had a rough start in life, so I get why she’s like this…

But she has a very particular way that you are allowed to show her love.

And—this is kind of hilarious—it only happens when you’re sitting on the toilet. 😅

I know, TMI… but it’s true.

I can walk in and out of my room all day. She’s just laying there, half asleep, barely acknowledging me.

But the second I go into the bathroom?

She is magically there. Sitting. Waiting. Ready.

Like she has some kind of radar.

And as soon as you sit down, she’s rubbing on you.

And if you don’t immediately start petting her? She starts scratching you like,
 “Excuse me. It is time.”

So you pick her up, you scratch her ears, you give her this very specific kind of love…

And she’s all about it.

Until she’s not.

Then it’s like, “Put me down,” she scratches you, jumps off, walks away like you’ve offended her…

Only to come back a minute later like,
 “Why have you not loved me enough?”

It’s a full-on emotional rollercoaster. You never quite know where you stand.

Now… Deuce?

Deuce is the easiest cat in the world to love.

We found him wandering the neighborhood, just going house to house, and he ended up with us.

And he’s just chill.

You can pick him up anytime—he’s like, “Okay, cool, I’ll hang out.”

You can pet him however you want—chin scratches, belly rubs, whatever—he’s like, “Yes, all of it.”

And when he’s done, he just lets you know, and moves on.

No drama. No guessing. No emotional obstacle course.

He’s just… easy.

And it’s not that one is more lovable than the other…

They just have different rules about what love and safety look like.

And here’s the thing:

We do the exact same thing.

We create rules from our experiences…
 and those rules run in the background of our lives.

They shape:

•  how we receive love 
•  how we handle conflict 
•  how we show up in relationships 

And then… we interact with other humans.

Who have completely different rules.

And that’s where the tension comes in.

I heard this story once about a couple that explains this perfectly.

The wife would panic anytime her husband started cleaning the house.

She’d ask, “What’s wrong? Are you mad?”

Because growing up for her…
 when her mom cleaned, it meant something bad was happening.

Cleaning = anger.

But for her husband?

Cleaning just meant… cleaning.

That’s how he grew up. No big deal.

Same situation.

Completely different rules.

And once she realized that…
 she was able to release all that tension.

Because nothing was actually wrong.

They were just operating from different rulebooks.

Now here’s the deeper part.

Those rules you created?

They probably made sense at one point.

They protected you.
 They helped you cope.
 They gave you a sense of control when things felt uncertain.

But what protected you then…

might be limiting you now.

It’s like we built our own jail cell…
 and became our own jailer.

This actually reminded me of something we were talking about at church recently.

In Acts chapter 12, Peter is in prison.

He’s chained. Guarded. Likely about to be executed.

This is not a small situation.

And an angel of the Lord comes to rescue him…

But when the angel shows up?

Peter is asleep.

Like—asleep asleep.

The angel literally has to wake him up.

And I just kept thinking about that.

Because yes—Peter was in a physical prison…

But he didn’t trap himself in a mental one.

He wasn’t spiraling.
 He wasn’t panicking.

He had peace.

He had trust.

Because peace wasn’t found in his circumstances…

It was found in what he believed while he was in them.

And I think we forget that.

We think we need more control…

But sometimes, we need more trust.

I’ve seen this play out in my own life too.

Before I met my husband, I was single for eight years.

And I don’t mean casually dating.

I mean… dictionary definition, picture next to it—single.

And I had this rule running in the background:

“I’m not lovable.
 I’m not worth choosing.”

But I didn’t realize that.

I told myself I was just being picky.

Made all the excuses.

And then when I finally started dating again…

I ended up with someone who reflected that exact belief back to me.

He literally told me dating was like throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks.

And the crazy part?

It didn’t even shock me.

Because it matched the rule I had about myself.

But that was the moment things started to shift.

I realized—this rule is not serving me.

Maybe it made sense before…

but it’s keeping me stuck now.

So I started questioning it.

I started changing it.

And it wasn’t even really about relationships with other people anymore…

It was about how I saw myself.

Was I lovable?
 Was I worth choosing?

And when I changed that…

everything changed.

I became more open.
 More alive.
 More fun.

It honestly felt like night and day.

And yeah… it kind of felt like it started raining men. 😄

But more importantly—

just a couple months later…

I met my husband.

Same world.

Different rules.

So the goal here isn’t to shame yourself.

It’s to see it.

To ask:

What are my rules?
 Where did they come from?
 Are they still serving me?
 Do I want to keep living this way?

Because some rules? They still work.

Keep them.

But a lot of them…

we don’t even realize we’re living by.

If you want to find them, look here:

Where are you most frustrated?
 Where do you keep running into conflict?

That’s where your rule is.

And then ask yourself:

Is this making my life easier… or harder?
 Is it helping me show up the way I want…
 or is it trapping me?

Because you don’t need a new personality.

You might just need to change the rules you’re living by.

So maybe today…

you notice where you’re being a little more like Delolah than Deuce.

Because it’s not the situation…

It’s the rules.

And you’re not hard to love…

You might just have a rule…

that’s ready to be rewritten.

If this episode hit you, I’d love to hear from you.

What rule became clear?

And what are you ready to change?