Good Grief

Strangers With Kittens returns this week after a 2-week hiatus. This week, Eileen confronts death and explores grief within our society. After losing a close friend, Eileen reflects on that core relationship. Wrestling with death, end-of-life care, relationships, this life, and after. Get one GenXer's take here.

Transcript

Eileen Kelly (00:00)
I am in the unique position of having had a near-death experience when I was 15, and I can tell you that there is life after death, positively.

Hi, welcome to Strangers with Kittens. I'm Eileen Kelly. Thank you for being here. I am sorry that it's been two weeks since the last episode. ⁓ I needed to take a break because I lost one of my dearest, dearest friends. ⁓

We were friends, we have been friends since we were 12 years old. she was such an integral part of who I am and I needed to take a minute. ⁓

And I want to tell you a little bit about her. Her name is Rachel and ⁓ she was battling cancer for a long time. And she and I met when we were 12 years old. She was going to this Christian school in the next town over. Matter of fact, it was the, I don't know if they went to the school, but they went to the church, ⁓ the same church that the Jonas Brothers went to and it's in their documentary.

Anyway, she was going to school there, she and her siblings and The pastor was shady and it was kind of like a Jim and Tammy Faye Baker situation ⁓ and they're actually also the same religion. And her mother was challenged.

what was going on and so they got kicked out. you know, because when you question power, that's what they do. I think we're all well aware of that pattern. So anyway, the family got kicked out and that was my good fortune because they came to public school and Rachel came into my life and she ⁓ walked into my home room and she

had, I don't know, like weird clothes on, like not on point for 1981. And I was like, what's going on? What's going on here? I'm need to do a little bit of a glow up. So yeah, we became fast friends and.

She was in a bunch of my classes, including one where there was more than one of these classes, actually, I'm embarrassed to say. But ⁓ I can't remember if it was music class, because it happened there. But then it also happened in history with a different teacher. But I feel like early on, it may have been the day she came to school or the first week, whatever, I got in trouble for talking. And the teacher said, if you

think you have something to say, why don't you get up and try to teach the class? Like, why don't you get up and try to hold everyone's attention? you think it's so easy. ⁓ I don't remember what I talked about in music class. I think it was the Doors I think I read, it's like so inappropriate, but I read a book on the Doors called No One Here Gets Out Alive. And so I think for music class, I...

just ⁓ told them about that, summarized that book. And for history class, I summarized the book Helter Skelter, which is about the Manson murders, which I had read at 12 years old, because that's Gen X people. So anyway, she.

thought that was hilarious ⁓ and we were fast friends and we have been friends ever since. ⁓

Yeah, we had so many good times, so many laughs, so many adventures. Always trying to get a car to get down the shore and ⁓ renting beach houses for a week in the summer. And we shared the same birthday. ⁓ But somehow I was always the one signing for our beach houses or anything where someone needed to be legally.

responsible. I don't know how she got out of that, but somehow she always did. I was always on the hook for it because she and I were the same age and then our friends were, I don't know, six to eight months younger. We just like missed the cutoff or just made the cutoff rather for kindergarten. Yeah, so I was always giving her a glow up. She was beautiful  naturally. And if you've been listening a while,

Rachel is the speedo swimsuit clad goddess from my action park story. My first date story at Action Park in Vernon Valley, New Jersey. Yeah, she was always just naturally gorgeous, but it was the eighties and I was always like, you need a new haircut and you need some serious makeup. So I'm going to include a picture of one of my makeovers that I did, I think for a new year's party.

either junior or senior year of high school, where I'm wearing a gold lame, I kid you not, jumpsuit with shoulder pads that I think I got at Filene's Basement. You know, she and I both bought all our own clothes since we were like 12 years old. And so if it was at Filene's Base and on the clearance rack, I was going to try to make it work. ⁓ somebody was having like a kind of dressy New Year's party, which is kind of fabulous for high school.

Yeah, so I'm wearing like a gold shoulder padded jumpsuit and she's wearing my Warehouse sweater. Remember Warehouse? God, I miss Warehouse. And I did our makeup and we seriously look like, I don't even wanna say we look like drag queens, because drag queens do a way better job with their makeup. But what I mean is that it was that heavy handed. So yeah,

And yeah, even till the end I was ⁓

giving her glow ups like ⁓ a few weeks before she passed, she you know, she was bedridden at that point and ⁓ she was saying she really needed a haircut and I said I would come and do it. She was trying to tell me what she wanted and I sent her pictures of Cameron Diaz in the movie in her shoes and if you haven't seen it, stop what you're doing and find it because it's probably Cameron Diaz's.

Best role of her career, Toni Collette plays her sister, their sister, Shirley MacLaine is their grandmother. It's so good. Anyway, I sent her pictures from Cameron Diaz in that movie because that haircut would look fabulous on Rachel. I am not a hairdresser. I don't know if I mentioned that, but I did my best, which was basically pulling her hair in a...

ponytail that I tried to make as even as possible and then I was like, look, and I've done this to myself. I'll have you know, but I was like, look, when you do a ponytail and you pull your hair or, you know, you make sure it's centered and then you cut it, you get symmetrical layers. It just comes out layered, which it did, it did, but I have to say it did not look like the pictures that I sent. And that's why I'm not a hairdresser.

but she was very sweet about it and said how much better she felt with her haircut. And ⁓ it's, you know.

⁓ memory that I'll add to the thousands of memories that we share. But I was thinking about how

our generation is dealing with loss now. And you know, some of us have dealt with it earlier in our lives than this. ⁓ I certainly have, but I also know, you know, quite a few friends who have lost parents recently. And you know, we're getting to that age.

And it's difficult. I lost my mom 23 years ago. And I lost my dad 13 years ago. And I lost my sister 18 years ago. So it's been a lot.

Doesn't get any easier, I'm sorry to say, I'm sorry to tell ya. ⁓

Everybody leaves a hole that can't be filled. ⁓

Also, it's the price of doing business, right? It's the price of living this life and having relationships with extraordinary souls and... ⁓

And

I am in the unique position of having had a near-death experience when I was 15, and I can tell you that there is life after

positively. And I know that, and I know that everyone I love is in an amazing place, but it doesn't make it any easier for the people that are here. And it's hard, you know, to just like...

continue to live your life but without the people that you love. ⁓ it's what we have to do, right? And sometimes as we're getting older, there are days or if I'm honest, weeks, months sometimes that ⁓ it feels like too much, you know? It's like, all right, uncle, you know? But.

Those are the bad days and most of the time we're able to...

put things in perspective and be really grateful for the time that I had with each of the people that I loved, continue to love that I've lost. And if you have recently lost someone or not so recently, I gotta tell ya, I lost my sister 18 years ago. I still...

reach for the phone to call her sometimes. It seems hard to believe, but sometimes I'll just be, we used to talk a lot in the car. My brother and I were talking about this, because it was the same with him. We would call her, and we were driving a lot. And so, I don't know, I guess when I get in the car, you know, it's a different car, and a different place that I'm going, something about those cues just put me back in that space.

And there's this little like, ⁓ crap, know, realization again. ⁓ So if you've recently lost someone or not so recently lost someone, I just want to say that my heart goes out to you. and I think...

If we all keep in mind that we're all kind of the walking wounded in one way or another, maybe we'd be a little nicer to each other.

I don't know if you happened to catch, It's A Wonderful Life this past holiday season,  I'm sure you've seen it many times over the years. George Bailey is, Jimmy Stewart is wearing a black armband when he goes to the building and loan, like, I don't know, shareholders meeting or something, after his father.

died when he's ready to move on with his life and go to college. the board says that they'll only vote, they'll only keep the building and long going if he heads it. And he's wearing a black armband. And it's been a while since his dad died. And I don't know when that custom.

stopped, but I wish we'd bring it back. The custom of signaling to other people that you're in mourning. It would be really helpful to know that

The cashier at ShopRite lost someone. So be extra patient. Be kind. Bag your groceries that day if you don't already.

a small smile to someone that's walking by you that you see is wearing a black armband. I don't know what it was for women, whether they only wore black and then didn't wear black if they were in the mourning I'm not sure. I probably research that. But ⁓ yeah, I wish I wish we would bring that custom back so that we could just be a little more considerate to each other and remember that we're all human.

and we're all just trying to do the best we can. ⁓ when we don't go right away at a red light, maybe we don't need you to stand on the horn behind us because maybe we were lost in thought about someone we love who's terminally ill or someone who's or something else.

I don't know, just keeping in mind that we're all just doing the best we can. That reminder every now and again would be nice, I think.

I want to also take this opportunity to say that if you do have someone in your life that is terminally ill, I can't say enough good things about hospice. And what I've noticed is that a lot of people

because our country doesn't deal with death well or doesn't deal with death period. People are afraid or.

feel pressured to not enter into hospice. I don't know if there's some correlation with assisted suicide or I don't know, but I do know that people suffer far too long with far too much before they finally call hospice and ⁓ they offer so much support

not just emotional support, but concrete support and ⁓ knowledge and planning and putting things into place that you need and you don't know that you need when you're with a loved one who's coming to the end of their life.

often people don't know exactly when it's going to happen. I mean, that's almost always the case. And ⁓ I don't know, there's this sense of like not calling them too early. Why? Why not? Wouldn't it be great to call them and have them helping you, helping your family members,

sort of hold everyone's hand through this process ⁓ as early as possible. Why have your last days, weeks, months be painful, physically painful? There are way too many options to manage pain for anyone to be suffering.

some people feel as though if they enter hospice, they're giving up or the people around them get upset because they're giving up because there's this sense in our country that you have to keep fighting. You have to keep fighting and fighting and fighting. What about a good death? What about not focusing so much on fighting what

for many people is the inevitable and being fully present in whatever time you have left. My mother was of the generation that if a doctor said you needed this or that, you had to do it. Like that was the mindset. And I tried to...

say to her, you know, it's your life. It's your, ⁓ you know, she died of cancer and it metastasized and went into her bones and she had pain in her hip from the cancer and the doctor said, well, you need a hip replacement. Well, she was already so compromised and that is a hard, hard, hard surgery and a long, difficult recovery for a healthy person.

And I, you had said to her, you're in charge. This is your body. Is this how you want to be spending this time going through a painful, difficult surgery and then in a rehab center, recovering from it. And she said, well, that's what the doctor said that I need. I mean, it was just incomprehensible to her that you would ever do anything.

against what a doctor says to you and this is not any disrespect to doctors. They're wonderful, but I think that they may forget or not realize the power that they have and that some people don't know that they are also just people.

posing options, but maybe the way it's posed, it doesn't feel like an option. Maybe there's a misunderstanding or a miscommunication there that this is one option that you have, you have others. And, you know, this sense of like, well, what's the alternative to do nothing? Well, to be fully present in the time that you have, to spend that time that you have with the people you want to spend it with.

is another way to go. And I don't know that that is something that we consider as a society. And ⁓ I do kind of feel like Gen X, again, is the first generation to be like, hold on, this doesn't sit well with me, or this isn't, you know, maybe because we were so independent as kids.

It seems ludicrous to think that you just have to obey someone else when it comes to your last days, weeks, months here on earth.

So some people, feel like they have to quote unquote keep fighting for that reason. Some feel that they can't face saying to their family or friends, I just want to spend this time the way I want to spend it, as though they're giving up, letting people down. 

I was with my mother when she passed. It was a really sacred moment. And I'm so grateful that I was able to share that moment with her and able to bring her home from the hospital because it wasn't easy and it was all that she wanted. ⁓

I think it's really important to honor how someone wants to die and to value every...

day that you have with them and not, I don't know, have this sort of point of view of like, well, it's a far gone conclusion, so it's already over, you know?

Holding my mother's hand while she passed on to the next realm was one of the most beautiful, I mean, obviously I was gutted, it was one of the most beautiful, sacred moments of my life and I will forever be grateful that I was able to experience that with her.

And I'm also really grateful that I was able to spend a lot of time Rachel.

to talk to her like she was her. that's another thing is having spent a lot of time in hospitals when I was a kid and...

I don't know, being sick and in oxygen tents and in wheelchairs and all sorts of stuff. People kind of treat you differently when you're in those situations and not like yourself anymore. And I think with, I can only imagine and knowing, having spoken to, having known people with terminal disease. ⁓

that kind of overshadows who they are with a lot of people and also fear sets in, our own personal fear of mortality, I don't know, but...

Just being with a person who is ill, like really being with them in that space, meeting them where they are and ⁓ not acting like nothing's wrong, not acting like you're not in a room with a hospital bed at home and...

the situation isn't dire, but just that you're you and I'm me and we're still us and we're still what we are together is like.

It's, you know, really the greatest thing that you can do for someone is to be with them, really with them, really see them, really be present, don't turn away, don't make it about you, don't.

try to get them to do something that maybe they don't wanna do because you don't wanna.

lose them, which is really hard.

I also, ⁓ another thing that really sucks when you're terminally ill is for people to deny your reality. For people to say, talk like that. Think positively. I have a cousin who had cancer and they're fine now. There's like so many different types of cancer. So many different types of breast cancer, colon cancer, whatever.

You just, can, you cannot compare. And when someone has cancer and someone tells them that they're going to be fine because they have a neighbor who beat it and the neighbor was stage one and this person is diagnosed at stage four, that's not helpful. It just puts space between you and them. You just

you just became not a safe place for them, not a safe person for them. I think that's true of a lot of things that we all do as humans. I do it, you do it, we all do it. And we don't mean to, but.

I don't know, anxiety, fear of our own mortality, comfort. We put distance between ourselves and others. We ask a bunch of questions because we're trying to put distance between ourselves and the person who's telling us something that we wish wasn't true. We're trying to...

make it not true and maybe if we hit on the question that gives us some microscopic bit of hope or makes us feel like maybe there's been a mistake.

that makes us more comfortable. you know, what it does to the person who is dealing with it is it makes them feel completely alone.

it makes them feel like you just hung a sign on your door that says, no vacancy, bye, and shut the door in their face. And it wasn't your intention, but that's what it feels like.

I think whether it's illness or trauma or a crime or whatever.

hard thing befalls us. Having someone meet you where you are in that place, in that deeply uncomfortable, painful place.

to just be with you quietly, silently even. Don't have to know the right words. Words can't make it better, but to just be there with you, to not question, to not say, think positively or look on the bright side, but to just be in it is the best thing that we can do for each other.

and

I'm just gonna try to do that as much as I can There's a quote by Ram Dass.

that says we're all just walking each other home.

And that's the truth. We're all just walking each other home.

That's what I'm gonna try to do.

Another thing I'm going to do is Rachel was a special ed teacher at Trenton Public Schools. She was a beloved teacher there.

I'm going to, I don't know exactly how to do this and I will find out and post a link, but I'm going to see where you can fulfill teachers wish lists and do that. You know, if, if all of us took one teacher's Amazon wish list and fulfilled that, that's kind of

the opposite of.

so much that's going on in the world. And I know it has nothing to do with ICE, it has nothing to do with the Epstein files, it has nothing to do with a lot of things that are horrible in the world.

it's the opposite of that, right? It's light, it's generosity, it's good. And it feels good to do something good. And it feels good to do something when you're feeling helpless and anxious and sad.

and I'm sad.

So. ⁓

I'm gonna leave you with that.

just want you to know that if you're going through something, if you've lost somebody, I see you. You're not alone.

and there's no way around it. The only way is through. You just have to keep going through it one step at a time. And eventually you get to a place where...

I don't know, I wanna say like you don't feel it as much, you just, I get, you you walk with an emotional limp for the rest of your life and that's okay. It shows you've lived, it shows you've loved

Thanks for listening and I will be here next week. Bye.