Boston Family Vacation '76

In this episode, Eileen recalls a poignant moment between Gen X and younger generations, recognizing that we are all living life for the first time. That no matter our age or season, we are all human. A gift not given to most of Gen X. 

We grew up figuring it out for ourselves, fumbling miserably, and fighting for some sense of security, stability, and sanity. Our parents were detached and disappointed in our incredible ineptitude. (But was that necessarily our fault?)

Listen for the Boston Family Vacation of 1976 that never was. Offering a glimpse into a childhood littered with insecurity, neglect, and manipulation. 

Transcript

Eileen Kelly (00:00)
I'm a middle-aged woman and I still feel like I'm being insubordinate if I say something against the adults of my life when I was a child, which is something that needs to be explored

Hi, welcome to Strangers with Kittens. I'm Eileen Kelly, and I'm so glad you're here. I'm recording this a little later in the week, so apologies for the

publishing, but ⁓ it's been a busy week. I was down in Atlanta with my daughter, checking out a law school that she got accepted to, and it was my first time in Atlanta, and I really loved it. I happen to have a friend down there too, two friends, my friend and her husband. ⁓ and we were able to have dinner and hang out.

So it was really fun time. but just like a full week. if you've never been to Atlanta, I highly recommend it. It's cool, it's progressive. there's tons of art everywhere. There are sculptures and fountains and murals and even ⁓ I don't know if they put up

those concrete dividers. They make an effort to make them colorful and have little artsy touches on them. So I really appreciated that. yeah, they had good cocktails, they had good food, lots of fusions, not just Asian fusion, which I feel like has been around for decades, but Latin fusion, Afro fusion, soul.

food it was really interesting and and yummy. if you're thinking about heading down south, I highly recommend you stop in Atlanta. So I was ⁓ having a conversation with my brother and we were talking about his his adult kids and they were saying how they had sort of just come to the realization

That their parents are human, that their parents also don't have to quote their shit figured out. So, and how what a relief that was to them. And I was thinking about this in terms of Gen X and how Gen X grew up still in an era of

Because I said so as an explanation for anything. And parents having this unquestionable authority, but it was also ⁓ a feral time at the same time. So parents were strict, but they were also going through their own stuff, a lot of divorces, a lot of, moms.

figuring out what they wanted and careers and both parents working and being a latchkey kid and having having to do a lot for yourself, but also under the thumb of authoritative parents, which not to sound I mean, here I am qualifying what I'm saying because it's so ingrained and hardwired into me, but I

I'm a middle-aged woman and I still feel like I'm being insubordinate if I say something against the adults of my life when I was a child, which is something that needs to be explored

further. but just that.

We were under this authoritative regime of adults, and yet the adults weren't doing their part in a lot of ways, right? Like if you're going to have so much power over me, what are you doing? providing a roof over your head, hopefully, providing food in the fridge, hopefully. but

That for a lot of people was pretty much it. There wasn't any involvement, there wasn't any guidance. It was like you're lucky that I provide you with a home to live in and you will do what I say and not do anything that isn't sanctioned by me. And

It I think it ingrained in Gen X this feeling of helplessness isn't the right word, but powerlessness maybe, and this mindset of I don't have a whole lot of autonomy, I don't have much agency, much power in the world, and also nobody's gonna

do anything for me either. and I I feel when I when I think about slackers as a n sort of nickname that we were given by, I guess, boomers, ⁓

it makes sense, right? To feel like, well, what's the point in putting in first of all, we weren't slackers in the way that I think of that word, but I'm going to school, I'm doing my after school job or whatever I'm doing and or in my twenties, I'm out here working, maybe one or two jobs and not really getting ahead. And there's kind of

this like what's the point sort of a feeling that prevailed. And it wasn't a personality flaw on our part or some sort of a generational character flaw. It was this weird combination of being dominated and like l living under this authoritarian sort of

teacher and parental authority and having no real agency but also not having somebody to guide you and to be invested in you and to care that you

weren't home or that you were doing really questionable things and making bad decisions, nobody cared. Nobody knew, nobody checked in, we're the only generation that needed celebrities to do PSAs to our parents saying, Do you know where your children are? So I feel like that kind of says it all. If Andy Warhol is concerned about

where the children are, I think things have gotten to sort of a bad place. if you go back and watch some of those, by the way, it's really funny. The different attitudes of people, like Cindy Lauper is so judgmental, but like in this what are you doing? kind of way. And Linda Carter, if I remember correctly, is very judgmental in a

like shame on you kind of a way. They're they're funny. If you get a chance, go on YouTube and look up the it's ten PM. Do you know where your children are? And there are a bunch there are a bunch of It was like I don't know, Grace Jones, Andy Warhol, Linda Carter, Cindy Lopper. I I haven't watched them all. I'm just kinda going by memory from back in the day. But they're they're pretty amazing. So you should you should check out.

So was thinking about this and I was thinking about my adult nieces talking about how it's a relief to them to realize that their parents are just parents figuring it out in real time as they go along. And I I think that that is ⁓ maybe some baby boomers did that, maybe. but I feel like Gen X has been pretty transparent with their kids about like, hey, I'm doing the best I can.

I know a lot because I've lived through a lot and I've figured it out through trial and error because that's how we did it, right? But I also don't have all the answers. I don't know everything. And if I don't know, I'll say I don't know and we'll figure it out together or we'll find someone who can tell us, right? But that transparency, that humility, I think is fairly new to parenting and it

originated mostly with Gen X. And I think back on okay, so when I was eight

⁓ I think it was eight, seven or eight. ⁓ we were gonna take a trip to Boston and we were going, my family was gonna go see the tall ships. ⁓ if you live on the East Coast, anywhere near Maryland or New York or Boston, you may be familiar with the fact that like now and again these tall ships come into port and you can tour them and replicas of colonial boats,

before there were steamships and they were coming for the bicentennial actually it was seventeen seventy six so I was seven and they were coming to Boston and we were going to take our vacation to coincide with these

Boats that were going to be in Boston Harbor. And my brother and I were down with Schoolhouse Rock enough to be super excited about the prospect of seeing where the tea party happened and being on these tall ships. And so my brother, my my oldest brother wasn't coming. My

Other two siblings, older siblings had to work. And so it was an older sister who was closer and eight you know, was eight years older than me, and then my brother who was three years older than me and me. And because we had extra room in the car now that some of my siblings weren't coming, my mom invited her older sister

So my aunt comes up. She lived in Sayreville. She comes up and stays over. And we get up very early the next morning before the sun is up to start on this road trip. And we're in our

Ford Country Square station wagon with a giant hole in the floor of the back seat that was big enough for a little kid to fall through. No air conditioning. And we pile in and I and my aunt is sitting in the back with us, smoking Chesterfields. My dad is smoking Salems, my mom is smoking red palm malls with no filter. And the windows are open. It's

hot. I mean, we started in the morning, so it wasn't that bad, but once the sun came up, it was really, really hot. And so it was just like this clothes dryer feeling of just like hot air whipping around you with three different like flavors of tobacco swirling around our heads.

So we had to make several vomit stops. I can't imagine why. it's like a hundred degrees and there's three people smoking around me. But yeah, I I was prone to car sickness and it was just like I was the pain in the ass that had to they had to like stop the trip and pull over several times so I could throw up.

And somehow I was sort of the villain of the story. 'Cause it was just like, Why? Why can't you just deal? So,

We're driving, it's hot, really hot, and the smoke never stops 'cause my mom chain smoked, my aunt chain smoked, my dad smoked about a pack a day. So there were you know, there were pauses in between the cigarettes. But there weren't any breaks for us 'cause somebody was always smoking. so while this is all going on and it's it's just so hot, like

We have pleather seats, we're in shorts, sweating, peeling our skin off the off the vinyl seats.

And my dad would only listen to Frank Sinatra. It was all that was allowed in his car. And he had figured out how to save money by taping, recording, Saturdays with Sinatra, which was this show that was on on Saturdays, every Saturday for two hours, from the radio. So he bought a bunch of blank tapes and taped a bunch of Saturday with Sinatra shows.

And that's what we listened to mostly in his car. He had a few other store bought tapes, but these were he loved the music that was on these tapes, so that's what we would listen to. But they were all from December nineteen seventy-five. So there were weather reports and you know, it's radio, so he just recorded the whole thing. So there were weather reports predicting snow.

and talking about the temperature and how cold it is outside and how we're gonna get eight to ten inches and it is a hundred and ten degrees in the car and it's so smoky. So we drive and drive and drive and drive and we're passing all these farms and you know, at first it's fun, I get to look out the window and see the horses and cows

But after several hours of that and and car sickness and fighting with my siblings and everything else, it's really gotten old and my now my dad is angry and he keeps yelling at us to like stop kicking his seat and then my mom like ⁓ mentions that this doesn't seem to be the right way and my dad like flips out and s yells at her and says he's following the road.

And where else is he supposed to go? Because he wasn't like great with directions. granted this is long before GPS. We had a fold out map that we got at a gas station and he wasn't very good at following maps. And so what you know, as an adult now I realize we were somewhere in western Massachusetts, not anywhere near Boston, not anywhere near water or the coast. ⁓ but

It was hours and I mean it was it it had to be it was well over four hours. And my dad just pulled over in this hotel and he just got he like slammed the door and got out of the car and he just declared that that's where we were spending our vacation. And it was just a hotel with a pool and nothing else. It was just in a suburban area. There were just like homes and lawns and

And I being the youngest and I guess having the biggest mouth was like asking like what what? What? Why are we what? We're this is just a town with homes. Why we can't vacation here? And I got like kicked and pinched by my siblings. because you know, you don't question

authority. You don't you didn't question my parents and you don't they're you don't call attention to the whatever's going on.

you just act like this is normal, ⁓ which was ho very hard for me. So I spent I don't know, five days in this suburban town in Massachusetts with a hotel with a pool in the back.

if there was if we had individual doors to our rooms or if there was a lobby. That I don't remember. But I do remember the pool. We had fun in the pool. And we went to this like we drove to some park that had a rock, a giant rock that s was supposed to resemble a Native American face. And I there's a picture of me. Here's the picture of me on this rock.

looking completely bewildered because I know I'm not in Boston but I'm being told that I am and on this rock that's supposed to resemble a native american which I don't see at all and on the back as you can see here it says Eileen Boston 76 the gaslighting went so far

That they actually created documentation that said that I went to Boston. When in fact I did not. Didn't get to see the tall ships, didn't see Boston Harbor or where the tea party happened. I didn't get to Boston until I was an adult and took my own kids. But there are several pictures of me and my siblings. And on the back of the photo it says Boston 76. So that need

To be right, to act like I don't know, you have it all together, can run so deep and be so crazy that you can gaslight your family into, I mean, not successfully, but try to gaslight your family that they have been to a city that they have in fact never visited. I feel like that.

Aspect of Gen X, and I may be, unique in this experience. I don't think I am. I mean, I don't think this applies to all of Gen X. I think that I have some, every family's got their quirks. But that inability to say, I don't know, I am not sure. Let's find out together.

was ⁓ something that adults for some reason could not bring themselves to do. They could make the craziest, worst, most obvious mistakes and would not cop to it, would not humble themselves, will not show quote unquote weakness. And it was terrifying because everyone around knows that they're not in Boston, but they have to go along with the

Fantasy. A fantasy's like too nice a word. I don't know what to call it, but the

the charade that they are because the adults can't handle saying like, you know what? I th I've been driving forever. I don't know how to read this map. I'm really overwhelmed. I just need like a meal and a night's sleep and tomorrow we'll figure it out. Like that would be reasonable, right? Like, okay, we got turned around and we need to reorient ourselves and

And take a take a reset. And then tomorrow we'll work as a team, we'll look at this map, and we'll figure out how to get to Boston and it'll be an adventure. That's how it could have gone. Instead, because my dad had like planted this flag in the sand that this was where we're spending our vacation. That's where we spent it. We didn't just spend one night there. We stayed there the entire time.

Because he couldn't say he was wrong. So and it's not even like you have to apologize or I don't know, even really say you were wrong. Just say, got a little turned around, need to take a break, we'll figure it out in the morning. But no. It was like, no, now we're playing the we're pretend you're in Boston game. I think that Gen X

has done a stupendous job of being honest about being human. And I'm really glad that my nieces recognize that. And I think my kids do as well. And ⁓ because out of six kids in my family only two are Gen X. The others are older. They're in they're boomers. So so I feel like we've done a good job of being like

Hey, I'm not sure. I don't know. I need help. Let's figure it out together.

And I'm really proud of us for that as a generation because that is so much healthier for us and for everyone around us. I mean, gaslighting kids into thinking they went to Boston is like not a way to go. It's not one of the choices. It's not one of the healthy choices in parenting. and just acknowledging that you're not perfect is such

It's such a gift to your kids because they're not perfect either. No one is. And we don't know everything. And I feel also like growing up like that, feeling like you can't say you don't know is a terrible it's it's just so anxiety provoking. I remember spending my entire I mean, I was gonna say childhood, but really way beyond that.

feeling like I'm the only person that doesn't have it figured out. I have to I'm like everything's fine. I I know what I'm doing. Look over there. Don't look over here. Instead of being like, hey, I I don't know. I could use some help. ⁓

Can I watch you if you know what you're doing? You know? it's such a gift to let your kids and your grandkids know that you don't have all the answers, but that you're there and you're here for it. You're here for the figuring it out together. Nobody wants to figure it out alone. Believe me. I figured almost everything out alone. It's not fun.

So, you know, accompanying my daughter to Atlanta to check out a law school, I've never been to Atlanta. I'm no help, really. I'm just company. I'm just here to bounce opinions and questions off of and be a sounding board and be a warm body that loves you next to you while you figure it out.

Right?

I'm learning as you're learning, but I'm here for you, and you're not alone. And I can point out the positives that I notice, and I can maybe confirm some negatives if you need me to. And

We can both figure out how to do this together, which is so much more pleasant than doing everything alone, which is what Gen X had to do. And it was terrifying and anxiety provoking. And I feel like we all carry that now into middle age. and beyond.

So kudos to all of us for being human and admitting that we're human and admitting that we don't know everything. Kudos to us for figuring everything out on our own because it wasn't easy and it was scary and yes, we did it and it we do have a sense of we can handle a lot because we did handle a lot.

But also sympathy for those kids that we were that were so frightened and alone and feeling inadequate because they didn't know because nobody showed them.

I just I feel like I have so many peers who

Have gone through so many things alone and unsupported, and wondering if they're doing it right, and feeling like they should be able handle everything, and they're supposed to handle everything. And I'm just here to say, you're not. I'm not. And that's our go to all the time.

is when thing I mean I go so dark when when things aren't going well, I don't reach out for help. I've really I try and I am continuing to try to get better about that. But I always feel like I don't want to be a bummer. I don't want to be a downer. I'm just gonna go through s you know stuff on my own and I'll come I'll resurface and reach out when I'm fun again. And I feel like a lot of Gen Xers are like that. And

Now I'm just basically talking to myself. But it's like it's okay if you're a bummer. It's okay if you're a downer. Your friends are happy to support you and be there for you and feel useful, right? And like I said, I I'm I'm the Atlanta tour guide, but I think I was useful just in the fact that I

can carry half the weight. it's just like carrying a couch on your own is really hard. So if s one person has one end and one person has the other, it's just a lot easier. And I I you know sometimes I feel like

I'm not a therapist, I'm not Oprah, I'm not, you know, and I'm not.

I'm not going to introduce you to a Dr. Phil. You're welcome. Or a Dr. Rod, you're welcome. But I was thinking about, the Oprah magazine, which I don't even know if it's still around, but I used to get a subscription. And I felt so stressed out by it because the just the front cover was like 12 different things you had to change about yourself. And all these assignments, it was all homework. Homework, homework, homework. How to make yourself better, how to make yourself

Fitter, how to eat healthier, how to be more productive, how to how to be a better parent, how to be a better partner. And I'm here to say you're good, you're fine, you don't need to spend all this time fixing yourself, improving. I mean if you want to, if you want to learn to paint, learn to paint if that's fun.

But you're fine. If you want to sit on the couch and binge watch Ted Lasso, which I highly recommend, you redo if you've already done it. I just finished and I I just feel more optimistic about life and I'm excited about the next season. but if you want to do that, you do it. You're fine. If you wanna go dark for a little while and be by yourself, I get it.

That's that's like a weird comfort place for us, even though it's not. if you wanna reach out for help, gather up the courage and do that. But

You don't you don't have to have a long list of to-dos, a long list of how to be a better human. You're a great human. I mean, unless you're a serial killer, and I doubt you'd be listening to this if you were, but if you're a serial killer, you need to work on yourself. Otherwise, you guys are good. No assignments, no notes.

I'm so glad you're here and listening. I really appreciate you. I was looking at some of the statistics on Buzz Sprout and I found out I have listeners in Vietnam, in Germany, in the Philippines. Thought that was really interesting. So hello.

to all of my listeners, especially those that aren't in the US. I really appreciate you. And I'll be back next week with a guest. So till next time.

Bye.