Suddenly Single: Dating At 50

This week, Eileen and special guest Kristi Belcamino discuss dating. Relationships are complicated, and if you are like many women who are finding themselves in toxic relationships or loveless marriages, this one is for you. 

Your 50s are about three things: Fun, Peace, and Freedom. Listen to Belcamino as she details how she found unexpected freedom and happiness as a single woman thriving in her 50s, and how she has become a safe space for other women seeking the single life after decades of marriage.

This is 50. (Flirty, Fun, and Free) 

Kristi Belcamino is a USA Today Best-Selling Author.

You may also know her from the Gia Santella Crime Thriller Series

The Queen of Spades Series or The Gabriella Giovanni Series

Transcript

Kristi Belcamino (00:00)
maybe our mothers couldn't. You know, even if they wanted to strike out on their own in their fifties, they did not have

that option most of the time.

Eileen Kelly (00:08)
Yeah.

Eileen Kelly (00:28)
Hi, welcome to Strangers with Kittens. I'm Eileen Kelly and I'm so glad you're here because today I'm going to be talking to a fabulous and fascinating woman.

You may know her from the G.S. Antella crime thriller series, the Queen of Spades series, the Gabriella Giovanni series. She's a USA Today best selling author. Please welcome my guest, Kristi Belcamino

Eileen Kelly (00:52)
Hello.

Kristi Belcamino (00:54)
No

Eileen Kelly (00:55)
It's so good to see you. there was a little I'm just gonna let everyone know that there was a little blip on my side about setting up and replying. I was sort of like in between flights and texting and so I text Kristi to be like, Hey, did I not confirm? No, I didn't, but Kristi just a camera ready and ready to go. So

Kristi Belcamino (00:57)
Yeah. Cheeks.

Ha ha ha.

Eileen Kelly (01:23)
That's Kristi Belcamino

for you.

Kristi Belcamino (01:26)
Nice. Yeah, I wish I was

busy on flights and fun things like that right now.

Eileen Kelly (01:30)
Yeah.

it was just kids stuff, I know, you know, when the kids come in and sort of swallow you up with all their stuff, which is kind of awesome and also overwhelming.

Kristi Belcamino (01:41)
No, it's exactly what happens. I always think I'm going to get work done when my daughter from college is visiting and it's like, what am I I'm fooling myself. Of course I'm not going to

Eileen Kelly (01:49)
Yeah. Yeah. I was

actually feeling really anxious the other day because she came home and it was just like a whirlwind and she was so keyed up 'cause she just graduated and then we were checking out some law schools and it's all good. But then I left wash wet in the washing machine for like two days and I kept losing my possessions and I was like, All right, I have got to get it together.

Kristi Belcamino (02:13)
I know that exactly happens to me and I think I've just accepted it. It's like okay, it's gonna be a little chaotic and it's worth it. You know, spend time with your kid and then it gets kinda quiet and organized again, but yeah.

Eileen Kelly (02:19)
Yes. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. You have to kinda

give over to it and just sort of like let the let the tide take you, you know.

Kristi Belcamino (02:32)
Yeah, yeah, exactly. And at one point they won't be coming home as much and so we gotta take advantage of it now, right?

Eileen Kelly (02:37)
Yes.

Yeah, that's exactly what I tell myself. I have to tell you I was thinking of you yesterday because I was talking to a friend who is working on a book that is sort of like a diary of this love affair that she had. And she's in her mid fifties and recently divorced and had this really torrid, intoxicating love affair with a younger guy, that

Kristi Belcamino (02:42)
Yep, yeah, that's true.

Eileen Kelly (03:04)
sort of left her head spinning and they ended up parting ways because they didn't want the same things, but she's forever changed from it. And I just couldn't help but think of you.

Kristi Belcamino (03:17)
Yeah, no, I like that you associate dating f women in their fifties dating younger guys with me. Like that keep thinking that.

Eileen Kelly (03:22)
Well you're both sexy and

fabulous so how could I not?

Kristi Belcamino (03:27)
I'm I'm determined

I'm determined. Like I will give an older guy a chance, but I've and I'm not looking for a torrid love affair. I'm looking for looking for fun. So and I I'm a little bit afraid though because I don't want to end up like that. I maybe change for the better, yes. But I don't wanna end up like heartbroken or sad or anything. I just wanna have fun. I just want like

Eileen Kelly (03:37)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Kristi Belcamino (03:50)
Most women our age. ⁓ I want peace. I want peace and freedom, you know, and I will do I will I will not give those up for anything. No man, no nothing. You know, I have like

Eileen Kelly (03:54)
Yes Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. Once you've

learned the hard way, you're not gonna let it happen again.

Kristi Belcamino (04:05)
Yeah.

Yeah. And it's not I guess for me it's not even learning the hard way. It's just I didn't even know what I was missing. I had no idea, you know, until I got divorced and that wasn't planned. But then I realized, wow, there's so much freedom. Sorry, my dogs are loud. They're they're playing right now. there's so much freedom and peace. I don't don't I can't I can't Okay.

Eileen Kelly (04:23)
Listen, that's yeah, there my dogs are here too, just so you know, and

they're they're they're all part of our live studio audience, so it's all good. I see the tail wagging in the background. That's okay.

Kristi Belcamino (04:32)
Okay, good. Good. Okay, good. Did you see that? Hopefully they won't bark, but yeah, they might. They might. So no, I get that.

And I definitely wanna read her book. That sounds that sounds really cool.

I definitely think that it's something that a lot of women our age are

dealing with is, you know, okay, if you're s if you w have been single, you know, your whole life or if you're suddenly single, it's like, okay, now what? You know, the kids are raised for the most part. They're always we're always gonna be moms and have crises and I learned that over the past year. but yeah, it's it's a whole different ball game now. So

Eileen Kelly (05:02)
Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, a whole different ballgame, but you have so much more life experience and have done so much more work, and I think the world has changed for the better in a lot of ways from when we were young women. and so I I think so many more experiences have been shared because of the internet, because of social media.

⁓ that I I think that women our age are kind of waking up to possibilities they didn't even know were out there.

Kristi Belcamino (05:43)
Yeah.

Right. We're we're in a really privileged position. I think we have to remember that in a way because our our mothers probably did not have these opportunities and our grandmothers and great grandmothers, although my great grandma, like she was she was a little wild, but it is a whole different world. And the thing is is we are able to do things independently and

maybe our mothers couldn't. You know, even if they wanted to strike out on their own in their fifties, they did not have

that option most of the time.

Eileen Kelly (06:13)
Yeah.

Kristi Belcamino (06:14)
So and I mean being financially independent as women is really the the thing that's making it possible I think, you know, that we we aren't relying on a man's income and that gives us so much power and freedom. And as far as dating as well, it's like we we don't need to look for somebody to support us, I guess. So

Eileen Kelly (06:37)
Mm-hmm. Yeah, truly.

I mean, it was a lifeline for women and and by design, right? I mean, that was a whole that was that was a structure that was constructed to keep women down, to keep them dependent, to keep them trapped. I mean, women couldn't even get credit cards. So until like, I don't know, the seventies or maybe early eighties even. And I know, I mean, like in our lifetime.

Kristi Belcamino (07:02)
Easy.

In our lifetime and and the ability to and I don't have all the statistics on it, but I just know things that we take for grant granted. Being able to buy a house, being able to have a credit card, all of those things are are it feels like it's always been like that, but it has not always been like that.

Eileen Kelly (07:22)
It has not.

And you know, women gained rights there, you know, we know so much about civil rights, but a lot of people don't know that women didn't have the rights that black people were fighting for in the sixties. till the seventies or early eighties.

Kristi Belcamino (07:39)
Yeah, yeah. When I was so my mom was very progressive. And so when I was growing up, I remember she would do

cable TV shows or go speak on comparable worth. And she was involved in the National Women's Political Caucus and a bunch of feminist organizations like that. And she would talk about how, okay, so you know, a man basically a man and woman in the same job, the women the woman is always paid substantially less. And I am kind of shocked to realize that that really hasn't changed in many careers. You know, maybe there's been

Eileen Kelly (07:58)
So cool.

Yeah, incremental increases, but not I mean, it should have just been an across the board, boom, that's over.

Kristi Belcamino (08:23)
Right, right. And this was my gosh, what, forty five years ago or something? And she was fighting for this and I don't think it's actually been accomplished yet. You know? I think there's still that there's still that inequity, which is crazy. But I do so I do feel like privilege. it's interesting when I got divorced I I find that people kind of secretly come to me and if they're in a bad marriage and want to talk to me about it. And

Eileen Kelly (08:27)
Yeah.

No, it hasn't.

Kristi Belcamino (08:49)
I wanna, you know, this is why I decided to write the memoir partly. I always kind of thought it was in the back of my head, I should write about, you know, what it's like to be suddenly single. I never plan, no one ever plans on getting divorced, right? I never planned on being like 55 and getting divorced ever. And so

Eileen Kelly (09:02)
no.

Kristi Belcamino (09:08)
So I wanna say it it can be really good, but I also know this is a really privileged place to be because I can be financially independent and my children are grown. And if you aren't financially independent, because hey, I worked at home for many years too, and you just don't have that career or that that income right now, or your kids are still young, right? I talked to someone the other day and she's not gonna leave because her kid's fourteen. I get that. I don't think I would have even if it the opportunity came up, I think I would have fought tooth and nail to

Eileen Kelly (09:33)
Mm-hmm.

Kristi Belcamino (09:38)
c

stay married until my kids were grown because I didn't I think I just didn't want them to be away from me for a week honestly like every other week. I just I thought I wanted to like be there for them.

Eileen Kelly (09:47)
Valid.

Kristi Belcamino (09:51)
So I've had people reach out to me and the one that I remember the most that really was like, I'm gonna write a book about this, or at least start becoming public about it is a high school friend. She's actually like a childhood friend. I grew up in a small town in Northern California and we knew everybody. we knew everybody from preschool on up. And so I knew her high school boyfriend, I'd known them both since they were little kids. And we were all little kids.

So they got married and I thought they had this wonderful relationship. They're the cutest couple. And she reached out to me and she's going through cancer treatment. And she said, ⁓ I'm not doing very good. don't know if I want to stay married. ⁓ my kid my grown kids are the ones driving me to chemo, and he's out there acting like he's single, and he just turned into a dick as he got older. She's like, he's horrible. and she said, but I

Eileen Kelly (10:40)
Mm-hmm.

Kristi Belcamino (10:43)
I'm afraid to be single. I'm afraid of what that's gonna be look like. I'm afraid to be alone. And so I almost felt like, my god, this is my job in life. I need to show that you take the leap. if you're in a toxic relationship, take the leap. It's so much better. I promise you, there's nothing worse. I mean, being alone. Yeah, I'm I get lonely. I'm alone, but it's a million times better than being in a toxic relationship. And so I I wrote back and I'm like, girl, let me show you.

Eileen Kelly (10:47)
Mm-hmm.

Kristi Belcamino (11:11)
How good it can be. Like, just just follow me. I will show you how good it can be. And then it's funny because people do reach out to me all the time, like privately. even someone I met for the first time the other day and had lunch with, she was telling me, Well, yeah, I just I just want that peace and freedom, but my kid's young and I don't think I can do it, and then had another longtime friend.

Just kind of took me aside and just I think that they think I'm a safe space to vent this, right? And I am. And I am a safe space because I also will turn around and say, I will not judge you if after saying all this you stay in that marriage. I will not, like you do whatever it is. I'm just saying

Eileen Kelly (11:41)
Right.

Kristi Belcamino (11:54)
there are options, but if you I will support you if you stay in that marriage no matter what. But yeah, this one friend said basically we we have like divorce rooms. we s I don't know what it's called, divorce beds or whatever where you're married but you sleep in different bedrooms and it's really interesting how people want to talk about this. And another friend, her kids both graduated from college

Eileen Kelly (12:05)
Hmm.

Kristi Belcamino (12:19)
And she went through a period like, do I wanna be with this guy? We're alone now. Do I wanna spend all my time with him? And ultimately she decided yes. She did decide yes, but there was a year where she was like, I don't know. How's it gonna be with you? what's gonna be like?

Eileen Kelly (12:27)
Mm.

Right. Yeah, because

after so many years of being focused on the kids, it's suddenly like, Who is this stranger? Yeah.

Kristi Belcamino (12:37)
Yeah.

Exactly.

do we have anything in common? Do we even like each other? You know?

Eileen Kelly (12:43)
Right. Yeah, it's kinda like meeting

for the first time again.

Kristi Belcamino (12:48)
Yeah, and some marriages survive that and move on and especially long term marriages, you know, they've been through the ups and downs and reinvented their their relationship and all that. but yeah, that's kinda why I decided to to write about it because I

Eileen Kelly (12:50)
Right.

Kristi Belcamino (13:03)
Don't think my experience is unique, but I think it's something where I can write a book and people can read it and say, Yep, that's me. I see that. You know, and I think it's gonna be really hard. I mean you you've written a memoir. I think it's gonna draw blood for me to write this. And to

Eileen Kelly (13:20)
Well, I

feel so privileged to have read your proposal and I just think your writing is so intimate and accessible and relatable that I can't believe this is your your first memoir, honestly. I think that you just go there just immediately, you know, and it feels

like having a very deep conversation with a best friend.

Kristi Belcamino (13:48)
⁓ that is the best compliment. Thank you so much. Now, can I sustain that an entire book?

Eileen Kelly (13:54)
I believe

you can.

Kristi Belcamino (13:58)
gonna be it's it's gonna be a challenge that's for sure but I'm I'm I wanna do it. I think it's I feel like it's a passion project, you know it's something that I feel like it's time to to do something like that. So I've been as you know I've been a crime fiction writer forever and so it's also like a a really nice change from writing about dark

Eileen Kelly (14:05)
Yeah.

Right.

Kristi Belcamino (14:22)
Mysteries and and murder and assassins and all that. And that was really fun for a while. but it's a definite shift and I don't think I'm gonna be able to take all I have a lot of readers. I don't think I'm gonna there's gonna be like this many who are gonna make the leap from reading my mysteries to reading this. But there'll be some, you know, there'll be some. So but it's it's hard to I'm rebranding myself basically. And that's a little bit weird.

Eileen Kelly (14:23)
huh.

I don't

know. I think you might be underestimating your audience. I think that people really wanna know the person from whose imagination these stories and these characters come, I just think I mean I love memoir

I almost have to force myself to to read other things because knowing the real story, the true story, is so compelling.

Kristi Belcamino (15:12)
It is, and it's funny because obviously when you start writing a new genre, like for me, I had to start reading mysteries when I first started writing mysteries, and now I'm devouring memoir and ⁓ same thing. I have fallen in love with it. It's so so great to read. And that's funny you say that because right now I've set aside the actual starting to write the memoir for like a month or two because I am under contract for a domestic suspense book, and so I'm trying to read domestic.

Eileen Kelly (15:26)
Yeah.

Kristi Belcamino (15:41)
suspense because that's kind of a new genre for me and I want to get the I want to get the rhythm and the you know the feel for it and it's hard yeah yeah so ⁓ domestic suspense would be like the really popular author Frida McFadden is really she's she's probably the most popular one but what it is is the the way I would summarize it is it's a average person

Eileen Kelly (15:48)
Wait, could you tell me what that is? Domestic suspense?

Kristi Belcamino (16:06)
living their life, you know, just going about ordinary, not a a detective or anything special, not an assassin. And then something happens to them where they are thrown into this type of ⁓ murder or mystery or like that. So so it's just this person living their life and then the creepy neighbor moves in and you find out they're have bodies or you know, things like that.

Eileen Kelly (16:33)
Right, right, right. Okay.

Kristi Belcamino (16:34)
Really fun it's really fun to write because it's it's a page turner. It's not literary fiction, which I've never written and I never will try to write. like a literary mystery. It's more like, my gosh, what's gonna happen next? I'm so excited. This is so

Eileen Kelly (16:45)
Yeah.

Kristi Belcamino (16:46)
So that so it's fun. I'm having a lot of fun writing it. and I have three books that I'm writing for that. So anyway I had I I have one that's gonna be due pretty quick. So I'm taking a break from reading memoir to kind of devour the the domestic suspense books and make sure I'm getting it right, you know, getting the tropes right people who are writers, I don't know if you're like this, Eileen but people who are writers and say I can't read books in what I'm writing because I'm worried it'll get

into my writing and I think, my gosh, let it come. if I can read something and it gets into my writing, please. You know what I mean? Like I wish it worked that way.

Eileen Kelly (17:16)
Yeah.

Yeah. I think I've I felt that way.

I was afraid that I would somehow s subconsciously plagiarize or something, But really you just digest everything and then metabolize it and then it just enriches whatever comes out of you.

Kristi Belcamino (17:33)
if well.

Right, because if we could imitate if we could like and we wouldn't I plagiarizing would be like, you know, obviously copy. But if we could actually channel that, if I could channel that, I'd be like number one New York Times bestseller. I would channel that all day long. Like bring it on. So yeah, so I just so so I

Eileen Kelly (17:48)
Right. I word for word, obviously, like, yeah.

Yeah.

Hell yeah. Right. Exactly. If only

Kristi Belcamino (18:05)
Yeah, so I

believe in immersing myself in that and I'll watch films and series and all that. what my whole point is I'm so excited to get back to this stack of unread memoirs that I have waiting for me. And it's funny how many are a little bit like mine that are people who are Americans living in Paris. So that's like like wow, I guess mine wasn't a very I'm not living in Paris, but not a very unique angle.

Eileen Kelly (18:25)
Mm.

Kristi Belcamino (18:31)
Clearly.

Eileen Kelly (18:32)
⁓ I there might be a few,

but I th still think among the billion plus people in the world, I think it's pretty unique. And going back to domestic suspense, I feel like there are quite a few British series like that, if you're if you're looking to just immerse yourself more. I feel like there are quite a few in like the

Kristi Belcamino (18:41)
Yeah, okay. Well that's good, thanks.

Yeah.

Eileen Kelly (18:57)
Brit box and masterpiece theater area that may fall into that category.

Kristi Belcamino (19:02)
Yeah, and that's funny you say that because my the publisher who offered me the contract is is a UK publisher. So that like that totally tracks. That tracks. Yeah. Yeah. So but it's fun because I usually write these really dark vigilante women who

Eileen Kelly (19:09)
okay. Yeah, I think they're I think they're really fond of that genre, yeah.

Kristi Belcamino (19:23)
kill people. And so this is just it's a different genre and I'm I needed a different genre. I've written so many books in that other area that I don't even have any ideas. I'm like, I'm done. I don't think I can write I can't come up with another idea to save my life. So

Eileen Kelly (19:35)
Right.

Yeah. And maybe

in the future, s you know, after you've written a bunch of other things, maybe, but

Kristi Belcamino (19:43)
Yeah, brain.

Maybe yeah, yeah.

Eileen Kelly (19:48)
Onward and upward.

Kristi Belcamino (19:49)
Yes, exactly,

Eileen Kelly (19:51)
so going back to your memoir and going back to living in Paris,

What has it been like for you re entering the dating scene?

Kristi Belcamino (20:03)
Wow, you know, I was really clueless when I got on a dating app. Like ridiculously clueless. I think of this. So I had been with the same person for 31 years. So that means the last time I dated was 1990. So

Eileen Kelly (20:30)
I hear ya.

Kristi Belcamino (20:32)
And there

were dating apps and I was in college, so I went to parties. It was super easy to meet people. And then I discovered, you get to meet people on dating apps and it's the way it's done. Like it is the way it's done. And so I I was just so clueless that I had no game. Let's just say I had no game. I was just like, Hi, you're a date I think guys are just like, ⁓ my God, like back off lady

Eileen Kelly (20:39)
Right.

Hehehehehe

Ha ha ha.

Kristi Belcamino (21:00)
You're so 'cause I just was just I had I had a a crush on a guy and I just it I I didn't play hard to get. And I think the guys are just like, we cannot handle this.

Eileen Kelly (21:15)
Right. You're just too much of an open book, right?

Kristi Belcamino (21:18)
just like this is so fun I like you to ⁓ so it so I did learn some game but I also had some wild experiences there's a Facebook group that I can't mention the name of but that's in every city and it's basically this secret group where you can put a guy's picture on there and say hey what's the what's the dirt on this guy and most of the time he's like

Eileen Kelly (21:33)
Okay.

Yeah.

Kristi Belcamino (21:42)
a dog and he has a girlfriend. I it it's but it's a great filter. so I I used it to find out if a guy was safe, I guess. You know, people are like, ⁓ these are nice guys

Eileen Kelly (21:52)
Right, yeah. I was just gonna say,

I've heard of these groups and guys get angry and troll them or feel like it's not fair and it's like we are literally talking about life and death.

Kristi Belcamino (22:05)
Exactly, exactly. And that's one of the things that happened to me. I was very good at vetting everyone I met on a dating app through that site. but this strange thing happened. I went to the little grocery store in my neighborhood on a Saturday morning, and I walked past this guy and he smiled at me and I smiled back and then he kind of chased me down and he's like, Hey, ⁓

I don't I'm sorry to bother you, but are you single? And anyway, we struck up a conversation. He's like, I just live over here in this building, and he gave the name. And I'm like, we're neighbors. I just live in this building. And I gave the name. And he said, Can I get your number? I'd love to take you out to dinner. And I said, sure. So knew where I lived, told him the building I lived in.

And I gave him my number and he immediately was coming on really strong, like, let's get together tonight, let's get together tonight. I'm like, No, I don't think so and then I said, Maybe, you know, maybe 'cause I'd learned like to not to be that easy anymore, like, gotta play a little harder. So I

Eileen Kelly (23:01)
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Kristi Belcamino (23:04)
Two or three nights later. So he's like, Great, what I'll do is I'll come to to the ground floor of your building and then we'll just walk down to some restaurants and have dinner week and decide as we're going. I'm like, Okay, that sounds lovely, right? So then my daughter was still she was in college, but she was staying with me for a little while and I told her, I'm going on the date. I got asked out in real life, in the wild, like it's crazy. So

Eileen Kelly (23:30)
Right.

Kristi Belcamino (23:33)
So she's like, did you run him by your group? And I said, Well, no, because I don't have the picture to post from the dating app, and I I don't really have any information on him. And and I and I met him in person. She's like, Mom, why aren't you gonna do that? And I'm like, You're right. And so now there's an hour before we're supposed to meet. So I said, Well, I said, Well, I'll just look, I'll just search his first name on this page. And I searched

Eileen Kelly (23:51)
my gosh.

Kristi Belcamino (23:59)
It was horrible. He actually recruits like sixteen year olds for sex trafficking. He has a it's crazy. He has a twin and they take women out on their boat and drug them. And so all these women are just like, these guys have right. Well that's the problem is there's there are

Eileen Kelly (24:08)
⁓ my god.

How is he not in jail?

Yeah.

Kristi Belcamino (24:24)
here that should be on that site that should be in jail and who do have criminal records and and he probably did, I don't remember, but but all this stuff and I just I just remember it's just the blood draining from my face. Like I he knows where me and my daughter, who was like I think she was like eight, live. He knows where I live. And people were saying

Eileen Kelly (24:37)
God.

⁓ man.

Kristi Belcamino (24:49)
Do not go on a date with him because I commented there people are messaging me privately. They're like, Once he gets in with you, he will not back off. and then people were saying he would do things like in a neighborhood buy here, he would s he would say, Let me buy you a Gucci bag and stuff and like

Eileen Kelly (24:57)
my god.

Kristi Belcamino (25:05)
get people to engage with them that way. So I was panicking, I don't know what to do. And they're like, don't make him angry. Don't make him angry. He's dangerous. He will not leave you alone. He will track you down. And so at the last minute I'm just like, okay, I'm and he texted. ⁓ no, I texted him like 10 minutes before he's supposed to show up. And I said, and I just am like I have to play nice. Like I can't piss this guy off. And I said, I said, I am so sorry. I just realized I'm not ready to date. I'm just not over my divorce yet. I just bullshitted.

Eileen Kelly (25:27)
Right.

Kristi Belcamino (25:34)
Like you seem like a really great guy, but I can't and he didn't respond and I'm like, okay, what's going on? And then my phone rings and I don't pick it up. And then my phone rings again. And my daughter and I are screaming. Like it's like a horror.

Eileen Kelly (25:50)
my god,

it really is like a horror movie.

Kristi Belcamino (25:54)
Stairs and we're trying so we snuck down to this one place where you can kind of look like onto the sidewalk in front of our building. We're like, my god, where is he? And he called like five times, Eileen, after my text. No. And so

Eileen Kelly (25:59)
Right.

That is not normal behaviour.

Kristi Belcamino (26:08)
And so finally he texted and he was trying to talk me to come on, we okay, that's fine. We can just be friends. We can just get a coffee, just friends. and I just kept saying, no, I'm sorry, no, I can't and try not to piss him off, right? So that was not a fun, a fun one. ⁓

Eileen Kelly (26:12)
Of course. ⁓

Right.

Yikes, the one and only

time you meet someone in real life and they turn out to be

Kristi Belcamino (26:28)
Well

it was the second time I met someone in real life, but the first one was the first date I went on and like well, since I had been divorced. So I went out with some girlfriends and we were at this really cool little Parisian cafe and and this guy came in, he sat at the bar and he ordered dinner by himself and I was like, Hey, look at that guy.

Eileen Kelly (26:31)
⁓ okay.

Kristi Belcamino (26:48)
He's so cute. Look at him. And they're like, he is really cute. And and he walked out. He lives in the neighborhood. And and he this was over in my friend's neighborhood, which is probably like on all the way across town. So the next day I went to a coffee shop in my neighborhood, and I was packing up my stuff to leave after writing for a little bit. And I start to walk out, and this guy walks in.

Eileen Kelly (26:49)
He

Kristi Belcamino (27:11)
I was like, that's a guy. my god, that's the guy from last night. And so we were kind of like this. And I said, hey, I saw you last night at this restaurant. And I said, my friends and I were saying, we should invite you to come sit with us. And you were all by yourself. And he was like, yeah, yeah. He goes, Do you do you want to go out sometime? Can I get your number? And I was like, Yeah. I was just like, this is crazy. And so I gave him my number.

Eileen Kelly (27:34)
Yeah, like feels

meant to be.

Kristi Belcamino (27:36)
It was meant to be, so I gave my number and then he texted me right away, like, yeah, when would you like to go out to dinner? I'll take you out. And so then we went out to dinner and I had not felt attractive for years. you know, being in a marriage that wasn't that great. And I went out to dinner with this guy, and he was like, I don't know, he was like 39, he was pretty young. And and he just sat there and he was just like

You are so beautiful. You are like Monica Bellucci beautiful. And I was just like, What? Like, who? And he's You are so amazing. And wow, this is so great. I'm so happy we met. it was too much. It was like me when I started dating, like fawning and it was like

Eileen Kelly (28:06)
Ha ha ha.

Mm.

Kristi Belcamino (28:15)
Killed, let's

just say it killed all attraction. Now I get where those guys that I, you know, liked or had crushes on were like, yeah, we're not going out because you're too over the top. That's how I felt. It killed all my attraction for him. And I also he seemed very young. I realized he just was too young for me and I didn't have a spark with him. So I didn't see him again. But talk about the perfect, perfect first date.

after not dating for thirty-one years. It was so sweet. It was so sweet. And it it was such an ego boost. and it was in real life. Like I met someone in real life. So it's happened twice. One good one. One the good story a nightmare.

Eileen Kelly (28:42)
Yeah. ⁓ I love that.

And one like Yeah, one

a really good story and one on the complete other end of the spectrum. pretty much worst thing you can imagine.

Kristi Belcamino (28:59)
Other

Yeah, I mean the only thing worse is if I would have gone down and met him, I guess.

Eileen Kelly (29:05)
Right. Thank goodness

your daughter was home and you could bounce it off of her, you know? 'Cause it really all does sound so fine.

Kristi Belcamino (29:09)
Put some citizens in me. Yeah. I didn't even think about it because I thought

That's how we did it in the eighties. Hello? And they weren't like predators. You know, I I got away with that a lot in the eighties without being preyed on. So

Eileen Kelly (29:18)
Right. Which is why the crime rates were so high.

Ha ha

My

god, in the meantime, now I feel like I'm I gotta find out where this guy is and get him arrested somehow. Jeez. The fact that you have to have a network to avoid being drugged and trafficked is like, yeah, or or he could just be in jail. How about that?

Kristi Belcamino (29:40)
Yeah.

Yep, yep, exactly. And and there's there's so many st I could talk for days about the stories like that. my ex-friend, because kill the messenger, that's me, we found her fiance on the site and when we told her that was kind of the end of our friendship, because he was on there for taking lots and lots of money from women.

Eileen Kelly (30:10)
wow.

wow.

Kristi Belcamino (30:16)
⁓

over a period of years when he was engaged to her and I guess they're still together. And yeah, and he's he has a criminal record and he's constantly doing crimes. And when he found out that I had told her he was on there, he threatened me. So that's another fun yeah, yeah, he threatened me. So and I d my response was

Eileen Kelly (30:22)
Wow.

my god.

And she's still with him.

Kristi Belcamino (30:39)
She's still with him. My response was I don't think your probation officer's gonna wanna hear what I have to to tell him if you're gonna threaten me again. So so he he That was the end of that. Yeah. Yeah.

Eileen Kelly (30:47)
Good for you. And that was the end of that. Yeah. Most bullies

when you push back do stop. Most. but you definitely have to go with your gut.

Kristi Belcamino (30:56)
Yeah, yeah. So so after all that, let's just say I'm not dating.

Eileen Kelly (30:58)
Yeah.

⁓ man.

Kristi Belcamino (31:03)
I know too much now.

Eileen Kelly (31:04)
I don't know. I I have to think that you can still meet decent people in real life and

I don't know. I I feel like my algorithm is is geared toward I think from like looking at so many Epstein file things and stuff, I feel like my algorithm is so dark now that I I just have to reject some of it 'cause I'm like, this cannot be the whole world. This can't be the whole world, you know? I know that I know decent men.

Kristi Belcamino (31:15)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Yep.

Yes.

Eileen Kelly (31:39)
I know that I've known

horrible men too, but I know that they're decent men. I'm just I'm just not seeing them in my feed in any way, shape, or form. Yeah.

Kristi Belcamino (31:49)
Right. And

you know, the same thing happened. You know, I'm I'm a newspaper reporter and I've most of my career I've covered crime. And I found that when I was doing it really hardcore and it was my entire life, my perception was really skewed because all I knew was that bad things happen all the time. And it's like, Okay, sure the odds aren't gonna you know, people are like, That's not gonna happen. I'm like, But I know one time it did. You know, I wrote a story about but it the time it did and so I did have, you know, that was like my

Eileen Kelly (32:08)
All the time.

Mm-hmm.

Kristi Belcamino (32:19)
My algorithm, my feed was all bad things happening all the time, and I didn't have a healthy perspective on it. You know, that like you said, so yeah, I just yeah, and and I found the cops that I would deal with as sources, they would go one or one way or the other. They would either be super paranoid or they did not care one way or the other. You know, it was extremes.

Eileen Kelly (32:21)
Right.

Right. How could you?

Yeah.

Yeah, but were any of them female?

Kristi Belcamino (32:48)
You know, I didn't have any female sources, but that was partly because there just weren't that many female officers or yeah, and especially in sadly in the positions of of power that there are now, you know.

Eileen Kelly (32:56)
Officers, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I Dave Chappelle has a great joke about performing doing a show and getting paid in ca I think he I wanna say that it was kinda like a mob party and he performed and they paid him and it was at least ten thousand dollars and it was in cash and he had it in his backpack and he was on the subway.

going home late at night after the show with all this money in his backpack and he was so scared and he had this epiphany. This is what a woman feels like all the time.

Kristi Belcamino (33:44)
Yeah, yeah.

Eileen Kelly (33:44)
And it was like,

wow, for a man to like even think that way, it was so r refreshing, you know.

Kristi Belcamino (33:51)
Definitely

refreshing. Like yeah, that yeah, for him to even consider that and for his mind to go there. Wow. No, I I love that. I love that. Yeah. They just don't get it. And like you were saying about that that that page, it's like people the guys get mad and it's like if you're a good guy, you understand why women have to do all this. Like we have to do all

Eileen Kelly (33:57)
Right. Yeah.

You've nothing of Yeah, and you if

you're a good guy, you have nothing to worry about. So the only people that are crying foul are people that are doing bad things.

Kristi Belcamino (34:23)
Right, right. Even if it's on the level of, you know, there's a lot of guys who weren't like criminals, but they were just they were just players, you know, and it's like, yeah, you don't want to be on there because if you're telling a woman that you want her for a girlfriend and that you're monogamous, of course you don't want to be on there. If you're on there if you're telling women like, Hey, I'm dating a bunch of people and we can have fun and I don't know you know, if I like you maybe I'll be serious, then then you won't have a problem

Eileen Kelly (34:30)
Right.

Right.

Right. If you're just honest and straightforward. You could have you don't need to be looking for a commitment or whatever to be a good guy. You just need to be honest.

Kristi Belcamino (35:05)
Exactly. It just because you don't wanna, you know, monogamous your long-term relationship is not the problem. It's the it's willingness to admit that. My brother, he lived in the village when he was single. I remember the day the the weekend he moved out of New York City, we spent like the couple days before then going around so he could say goodbye to all his girlfriends. He they cried, they cried like, I love your brother, he's so great. And the thing that worked

Eileen Kelly (35:11)
Exactly.

Yeah.

Kristi Belcamino (35:33)
For him, is that he never once lied to those women. He said, I think you're great, you're beautiful. I love hanging out with you, you're so much fun. I'm not looking for a relationship. And so he was able to date multiple women with integrity, and like it was crazy because they all fell for him, too. Like, I wish I wish he did want something, but he but he was honest about it, and that can be hurtful, like you know.

Eileen Kelly (36:00)
Hey that's it.

Kristi Belcamino (36:03)
No, obviously you develop feelings for someone, you're like, I thought it was fine but yeah, now I have feelings for you even though we thought it wasn't gonna be. I mean that you you're risk you're you know, it's risky but at least you knew what you were getting.

Eileen Kelly (36:14)
Right, but it's not

Yeah, you're not being duped.

Kristi Belcamino (36:18)
Not being duped. Exactly. There is

Eileen Kelly (36:20)
And you're having you

have the agency to say, I'm gonna take a risk and be in this or you know what, that's just not for me. But when someone lies to you, they take that away from you.

Kristi Belcamino (36:30)
Yeah, and that's where I'm at with data.

They take that away from you, that that opportunity. And yeah, that's where I'm at in dating is I I am pretty honest. and when I have dated, it's like I don't want a relationship, you know. I just wanna have fun and and there is a dating app that's like really kind of about that where people can be it's called Field, where people can be really it's a little bit of a kink dating site or dating app, but it's where people can say, Hey, I just want a friend with benefits. Like I

Eileen Kelly (36:37)
Right.

Mm.

Mm-hmm.

Kristi Belcamino (37:03)
Yeah,

that's all I want and here's what I like and ⁓ and I might get back on that because then it's just honest. It's like you have to have your house, I have to have mine, maybe two times a week we can get together and I do whatever I want and you do whatever you want, but you have to be tested.

Eileen Kelly (37:24)
Yeah,

yeah. I ⁓ I'm imagining that this radically honest site will probably produce more relationships than most of the others because it's so honest.

Kristi Belcamino (37:36)
I think it might and also on that site people aren't people aren't taken back when you're like, I need to see like your tests, like your recent tests, dude. Like, you know. Because they're like, yeah, that's how it works. So yeah, I did see something about how so many people who start out saying we're just gonna be friends with benefits do end up in a relationship, which I thought was kind of funny. So yeah.

Eileen Kelly (37:46)
Right.

Yeah. I almost

I feel like that would end up producing more relationships than people that are out there saying, I want a relationship. Because then I think it makes people when they're when you're so open and honest and the other person is completely accepting of it, which, you know, is also being honest about your anxieties and fears, right?

Kristi Belcamino (38:08)
I don't know.

Mm-hmm.

⁓

Yeah, sorry, there's the dogs. ⁓ Cocoa Mimbell. ⁓

Eileen Kelly (38:24)
Then that's okay, it's the studio audience. What are their names, by the way?

Coco and Bella. Aw. ⁓ mine are not in in with me at the moment, but they're bare and Bootsy. And oftentimes you'll hear them bark in the background. So Yes, in fact, Bootsy's barking is at the end of every episode after we after we have the little announcement that it's a s we have a studio audience.

Kristi Belcamino (38:35)
Yeah.

good. I'm glad dog barking is acceptable.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. that's perfect. Yeah, I love that. I didn't realize that was that was your dog.

Eileen Kelly (39:01)
But yeah, I think being so honest and having someone else accept that is so attractive that I would think that it might lead to, ⁓ I might actually want more because you're you're cool with me and any everything that I am worried about or yeah. I don't need to pretend I'm something I'm not.

Kristi Belcamino (39:07)
Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. There's no pressure. Yeah, there's no pressure. There's no expectation.

Yeah, yeah. The expectation and the pressure is gone and and honestly, that's one reason I've like dating younger men is and I think that's one reason they like dating women my age. Is there I'm not

I'm not looking to get married. I'm not looking to have children. I'm not looking for them to provide. I just wanna get together and have fun and go out to dinner and you know get intimate or whatever. And and it seems to it seems to be like a good match, I feel like.

Eileen Kelly (39:44)
Mm-hmm.

Right.

Kristi Belcamino (40:01)
And I do like a little bit of the younger men being they seem to be more progressive than the men are aged, Eileen. Like they're not Are you hearing the same thing? Yeah. Yeah.

Eileen Kelly (40:09)
That's all I'm hearing. yeah, I from so many

friends it's so refreshing. And I I have lots of friends, including you know who said this? Tracy Ellis Ross, the actress. She said she tried to date, you know, she's in her mid fifties and she tried to date, she's like, I want to date Gen X Men. I can't find one.

Kristi Belcamino (40:25)
⁓ okay. Yes.

Yeah.

Eileen Kelly (40:37)
that

is not a misogynist, basically. She's like, I've really tried.

Kristi Belcamino (40:42)
Right. And and honestly,

I bet I'm sure she has. I haven't tried, but but I do because here's the problem. Like I look at these guys who are divorced and I I realize that there's always the unicorn, but I think, huh, why didn't your wife want to be married to you? I think that. And then I also think that in that dating pool, a lot of those guys are looking for the younger women.

Eileen Kelly (40:48)
Hehehehehe

Mm-hmm. The thing about younger women though is they're they may want kids, right? So right. So you often do see men our age or a little older with like young kids and a young wife because if you're gonna date someone who's in her thirties, that's probably what she's gonna want, you know?

Kristi Belcamino (41:11)
They're not the not

And they may want kids, right? So

Mm-hmm.

Exactly, exactly. And then, you know, I I've told like some guys that I've dated that are young, I said, you can't I said you cannot

be upset when women in their 30s are just like feel this pressure to get married and have kids. I said, I remember I didn't even know if I wanted kids and all of a sudden I hit this age and I'm like, my god, I needed them yesterday. It was so biological. It was so like I could not do it fast enough and this pressure. And I know you know how I am like give the I'm like give those give those women a break. Like they can't this isn't biologically programmed to want that. ⁓ but what I love is that a lot

Eileen Kelly (41:54)
Yeah.

Right.

That's right.

Yeah.

Kristi Belcamino (42:11)
the women our age who are in this boat I see this becoming a part of the conversation is we're all just gonna buy a land somewhere and form a compound of women. I see this come up over and over and over. It's happening some places, right? And so my friends and I talked about doing that and we're like okay we have the rules like any animals all the animals that you want like free free for all right all the animals.

Eileen Kelly (42:25)
Yes. It's already happening. I've seen it online. Yeah.

all the animals. Yes.

Kristi Belcamino (42:41)
Men can visit like get a pass for like maybe three days max sleepover, maybe two, but then they gotta go. Like, you know, gotta get like

Eileen Kelly (42:45)
Ha ha

This is like it's like

Catholic college girl dorms two point

Kristi Belcamino (42:59)
Right? And it's gonna be so great.

Eileen Kelly (43:00)
Except

with lots of animals.

Kristi Belcamino (43:06)
What the

animals. As many animals as you want. There's no re there's only restrictions on men's sleepovers. That's the only thing. Yeah. So I don't know. So I'm in for that. I'm in for that.

Eileen Kelly (43:12)
I love it. It's so good. It's so good.

Golden girls. Golden girls plus plus like an animal rescue s ⁓ what do you call it? Like a refuge or whatever.

Kristi Belcamino (43:21)
Golding Growth.

Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. No, it's gonna

it's gonna be great.

Eileen Kelly (43:32)
I actually

saw one. So I this woman, I hope I'm remembering it correctly. I saw this little like story on Instagram about this woman who inherited money and decided to just build a bunch of like she bought a plot of land and built some cottages and then pe other women can come and build cottages on the land as well. And there are rules to living there and they're all fantastic.

Kristi Belcamino (43:40)
I

Yeah, no, I think I saw her as well. I think I saw something on that woman as well. ⁓ yeah, sh cause she inherited the money, right? And then yeah, no, I I really think it's a movement. I really do. Like I just

Eileen Kelly (44:09)
Yeah.

Kristi Belcamino (44:17)
Seems like so many people are or so many women our age are in the same boat. The other thing, my that's like an option, but my other option is I feel like I you know, I went to Paris by myself for two weeks in September last year, and I hadn't been since like for 30 years. And as I was walking around, I thought, this, this is where you want to be an older woman.

Eileen Kelly (44:40)
Hmm.

Kristi Belcamino (44:40)
There

they it feels like there's this release from pressure to be young and perfect and beautiful and and yet

They respect and look up to and admire older women for all the things that they've experienced, for their wisdom, for their wit, for all I mean all the things that we've earned in these 50 some years, right, that make us who we are, that's what is more attractive in France.

Eileen Kelly (45:07)
Mm-hmm.

Kristi Belcamino (45:14)
So I'm like, huh, I think I could be a little lady with my dog in Paris and be happy as can be. And not feel like not feel like I would

Eileen Kelly (45:21)
Yeah, a chic little old lady.

Kristi Belcamino (45:24)
Yeah, chic little lady and not feel like I was ever missing out, not ever feel alone, not ever feel lonely, like feel like I fit in. And that's how I felt like for two weeks I felt like I fit in here. I don't speak a lick of the language, but it feel like I think as an older woman, you just fit in there. Like you're just respected and you can live like this lovely, rich life for, you know, you don't have to you don't have to have a bunch of possessions or a big house or

Eileen Kelly (45:31)
Mm-hmm.

Kristi Belcamino (45:54)
Anything like that, you just live this rich life there. And so that's probably option A, and then option B would be the compound.

Eileen Kelly (46:02)
Nice.

I love both of those options. I swear I was watching Emily in Paris just for her boss. I think her name might be Sophie, but I she's so fabulous and she doesn't she's just herself. She's so naturally gorgeous and real and human and she talks about women in the French culture like

Kristi Belcamino (46:10)
She's the one, yes. So fabulous. Mm-hmm.

Yep. Yep.

Eileen Kelly (46:29)
a woman of in her forties or fifties or sixties in the French culture a a few times like throughout the episodes and how like she just has such confidence and such ⁓ and she's so respected and kind of revered, you know, for her wisdom and her experience.

Kristi Belcamino (46:36)
Okay.

Yeah. I'm gonna watch

it. I'm gonna I'm gonna go back and give it a try. At first I watched a couple episodes. I was like, ⁓ she's annoying, but ⁓ but I'll go back for her because I did see something recently. It was all these French women weighed in and they said Emily, not anything French at all or Parisian, the boss, one hundred percent a Parisian. They they they're like they got it right with her. They got it right. So

Eileen Kelly (47:07)
Love her.

Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. It's worth it. And there are ⁓ I feel like there's at least two episodes that focus mostly on her and they're really great. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it was so much fun talking to you. I cannot wait. I can't wait. Well, I can't wait for your your new book, your ⁓ domestic suspense.

Kristi Belcamino (47:14)
Yeah.

⁓ okay. Okay. I'm gonna watch it. Cue it up. ⁓

Well, I think what you

Eileen Kelly (47:40)
novel. ⁓ but I'm especially excited about your memoir. I feel really privileged to have read the the proposal and it's so appealing and I can't wait to read the whole thing.

Kristi Belcamino (47:47)
you.

Thank you. We're gonna publish our memoirs and then we're gonna do a big book signing somewhere really fun. I mean, you know. Sound like a plan? Okay. I love it. Thank you. It was so good to see you. I can't wait to see you again.

Eileen Kelly (47:59)
Yes, I would love that. Yes, sounds like such a great plan. Well, thanks so much for being here.

Yeah,

and I'll see you in a couple of weeks, I guess, for our, you know, a couple of weeks in June. Yeah. All right.

Kristi Belcamino (48:12)
Couple. Our are regular, yeah. you too,