#1: Stress & Self-Care For Parents

Assalaamualaikum & Greetings!

Welcome to Cool Mum Super Dad, your companion on this rollercoaster ride called parenthood. I'm your host, Jamilah Samian, a parenting author and speaker.

For parents in particular, stress is a short word with a BIG impact. For working parents, stress means juggling deadlines from demanding bosses, handling tasks that keep coming beyond office hours, even as they struggle to raise a family. A stay-at-home parent also works round the clock: cooking, cleaning, disciplining, making sure the kids get along most of the time while getting the chores done take all day and almost all night. Staying at home and staying sane isn’t a breeze either.

In this episode, we focus on prolonged, chronic stress, where, despite hours of sleep, you still feel exhausted and not looking forward to go through another day. You feel trapped, lethargic.  Not acknowledging that you’re highly stressed, not knowing how to deal with it can cause you to vent your frustrations and anxieties on your loved ones – children, spouse, family. They do not deserve to be mistreated just because you’re stressed at work. Learn top myths tied to prolonged, chronic stress, and  discover self-care strategies that can help you  deal with your stress better, that can lead to positive outcomes, physically and mentally.

Whatever good is in this work is from Allah; any shortcomings are mine alone.
 
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REFERENCES

 1) HARVARD Business Review: How to Recover from Work Stress, According to Science

2) World Health Organisation: Mental Health At Work

3) The Effects of Psychological Stress on Depression

4) The Link Between Stress and Depression

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Jamilah Samian is the author of "Cool Mum Super Dad", "Raise Me Right", "Cool Boys Super Sons", "Leadership In Parenting", "Parenting Generation Y & Z", "The Kindness Miracle" and "77 Power Parent Tips".

Transcript

Music used: Ambient / Background Music by Daddy_s_Music

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INTRODUCTION

Assalaamualaikum.

Hello parents!  

Welcome to Cool Mum Super Dad, your companion on this rollercoaster ride called parenthood. I'm your host, Jamilah Samian, a parenting author and speaker.

Not too long ago, my business partner, Ahmad Fakhri and I presented a seminar to a group of parents in an organisation. A young parent at the organisation had taken her own life. It was said that she was deeply stressed and depressed, to the point of no return.  

A parent taking her own life is one parent too many. So in this episode, I’ll talk about the impact stress has on us, the top 3 myths related to stress and the self-care strategies that will help you manage your stress better.

Impact Of Prolonged Chronic Stress On Parents

We all do the things we do for different reasons. Some of us work to prove ourselves, to feed the family and to pay the bills. And for many of us, we work hoping that it will bring meaning to our lives.  We want to contribute towards humanity.  Yet, work and life demands might bring with it some unexpected consequences such as prolonged high stress, a source of misery.  

Stress is a short word with a BIG impact. Especially among parents. For working parents, stress means juggling deadlines from demanding bosses, handling tasks that keep coming beyond office hours, even as they struggle to raise a family. Mind you, a stay-at-home parent also works round the clock: cooking, cleaning, disciplining, making sure the kids get along most of the time while getting the chores done take all day and almost all night. Staying at home and staying sane isn’t a breeze either.

Is stress all bad? Not really. We all need a certain amount of stress – good stress that can motivate us to do the things we’re supposed to do. 

Bad stress is the kind that makes you feel exhausted all day, you feel drained and unable to cope. This happens when you have too much, for too long. In fact, you can get so overwhelmed, that you no longer look forward to seeing your child. You want to stay away, keep a distance from your child as much as possible. Parenting feels like a burden. If this is isn’t bad enough, you might even physically hurt your child at the slightest provocation. You’re no longer the parent you wanted to be.

We are talking specifically about prolonged, chronic stress.  Raise your hand if, despite hours of sleep, you still feel exhausted and not looking forward to go through another day. You feel trapped, lethargic.  

 Not acknowledging that you’re highly stressed, not knowing how to deal with it can cause you to vent your frustrations and anxieties on your loved ones – children, spouse, family. They do not deserve to be mistreated just because you’re stressed at work.

More and more people are experiencing prolonged, chronic stress related to work, especially in the present work arrangements. We are expected to be available 24/7 – if you can prove that you’re fast and quick all the time, you can meet all the deadlines, you’re the company’s hero.
 
 TOP MYTHS ABOUT STRESS

Allow me to address the top 3 myths about stress.

Myth No. 1:  It’s Normal And Natural To Be Highly Stressed At Work.

Movies show heroes under extreme stress for long periods of time, only to come up victorious at the end. To some people, it’s heroic to be stressed; the more important the job, the more stressful you are, the better you’ll perform at work. If you’re not busy enough, not stressed enough, you’re not working hard enough.

Truth is, prolonged chronic stress level has nothing to do with productivity. In fact, the more stressed you are, the less productive you become; you’re bound to make poor decisions. And in case you haven’t heard, the stress hormone cortisol which your body produces when you’re too stressed for too long can disrupt how your body works. Highly persistent levels of cortisol makes you vulnerable to depression, anxiety, migraines and, in the long run, high blood pressure and stroke.

Myth No. 2: No Symptoms, No Stress.

There are two kinds of symptoms of prolonged chronic stress : internal and external. Internal – such as palpitations. It’s what you feel, but not seen by others. External – such as unkempt appearance.  But here’s the thing: A person might NOT be showing any external symptoms although internally, he or she is reaching breaking point. Remember the mother I mentioned in the beginning of this episode, who took her own life? Nobody knew she was depressed and stressed. She was a bubbly personality even at work and did not show any signs of stress or distress. 

Myth No. 3: Alcohol Helps To Relieve Stress.
 
If you think you could drink and drink night after night, yet perform the next day, you’re mistaken because research tells us otherwise. All that alcohol does is to numb you from the present situation; you’re not able to self-regulate to respond in a more effective way. When you become sober, you still must confront the situation. Back to square one. In fact, it is no secret in the research world that this is one of the reasons people end up being alcoholic: turning to the bottle in times of stress. One glass is followed by another. And another.

As you can see, myths are dangerous untruths that may push us to make the wrong decisions. Which myth(s) above have you been clinging to that have led you to unwise, ineffective choices in life?

SELF-CARE STRATEGIES FOR PARENTS

Let me present some self-care strategies that can help you deal with stress better.

Strategy No. 1: Be Mindful Of Your Stressors.

A lot of stress has to do with what goes on in our heads about how things will work out next year, in five years, in ten years. We worry how that child is going to turn out, if we’re going to do better the following year, if there will be enough money or a bumper crop next year. Because we are so focused on the “might-be’s” of tomorrow, we tend to notice less the blessings we have now. In truth, nobody knows if they will have another day in their life. So be present, and make the best of today despite circumstances.

Strategy No. 2: Take Short But Regular Breaks.

A parent once complained to me, “I’m so exhausted, I haven’t had a vacation in years.” But you don’t have to wait for a long vacation to take a break. A break could be a short 5-minute power nap or a long hot bath or 7 mins talking to your favourite plant. But do it anyway. The keyword here is SELF-CARE. Self-care is critical for parents, and as parents we are so good at sacrificing our needs to prioritise others including work. If this is true of you, know that nobody is indispensable at work. If something happens to you tomorrow, your boss, your supervisor will still find someone to do the job.

Strategy No. 3: Share Your Concerns With A Trusted Person.
 
The idea here is not to expect that person to solve your problems. Rather, talking to a trusted someone helps clarify your thoughts, helps you see options and a possible way out. Most of our problems can be resolved if we take the time to clear our thinking to see through the mist, and take steps to unravel the knot bit by bit.

Strategy No. 4: Start A Gratitude Journal.

At least once a day, write down 3-5 things you’re grateful for. Note the date. Examples: I had a hearty breakfast. The children are safe. Everyone has clean clothes to wear. It was a smooth train ride to work this morning.

As you can see, it could be anything that makes you notice what went well that day. And when you’re feeling low, re-read these notes to remind you that no matter what, there’re things that will go right.

Strategy No. 5: When You Feel Better, Come Up With A Long-Term Solution. 
 
If there’re external factors causing your stress e.g. relationship issues, or money issues, draw up a plan. Plan your work and work your plan, but be flexible along the way. Take a deep breath when things don’t happen the way you planned it. Think of another way to get things done which may still bring you closer to the desired outcome. No matter how difficult a situation you’re in, there’s always a way out.

 There you have it –the top 3 myths about stress, and several self-care strategies that I hope will lighten and brighten your coming days.

CONCLUSION

As parents, how we carry ourselves, the kind of interactions we have with our children will colour their lives today and in the future. We lead our children all the time, through our words, actions and decisions. Nobody is a perfect parent, but by being mindful of what we say and do, we can motivate, encourage and inspire our children to be the best they can be.

Parenting is full of ups and downs. I believe that with patience, persistence, love, and a never-give-up spirit, no challenge is insurmountable. Let us redefine what it means to be a cool mom or a super dad.

 This is Jamilah Samian of Cool Mum Super Dad. Hit that subscribe button, buckle up, and let’s create a better roadmap and experience for navigating parenthood. Cool Mum Super Dad – because together, we'll do better.


REFERENCES

 1) Beware High Levels of Cortisol, the Stress Hormone | Premier Health

2) HARVARD Business Review: How to Recover from Work Stress, According to Science

3) World Health Organisation: Occupational Health: Stress At The Workplace

4) The Effects of Psychological Stress on Depression

5) The Link Between Stress and Depression

6) How to Avoid Using Alcohol to Escape Stress

7) Stress & Alcohol

8) 30 Facts About Stress and Your Health

9) Understanding Work Induced Depression

10) World Health Organisation: Occupational Health Stress