25 Years Married & Still Going -The 5 Relationship Essentials That ACTUALLY Keep a Marriage Strong

 It's our SILVER ANNIVERSARY! 🥂✨ Twenty-five years ago, I said "I do" to a man who brought me daisies instead of roses on our first date. And today, I am celebrating the best decision I ever made.

In this special episode, I'm exploring all five essentials from my book — Why Am I Yelling? Because...Relationship! — through the lens of what it actually takes to keep a marriage alive, thriving, and real across 25 years. We're talking about:

💬 Communication — why two different communicators can still build a beautiful life
💕 Intimacy — the kind Hollywood doesn't show you (and why familiarity is actually everything)
🤝 Respect — the non-negotiable that keeps two people growing instead of competing
🚧 Boundaries — the essential that almost broke us... and then saved us
🫶 Support — presence without agenda, and why it's the one you can't fake 

#WhyAmIYelling #MarriageAdvice #Relationships #MenopausalMom #MiddleAge #25YearAnniversary #Love #SupportYourPartner #Respect #Intimacy #Communication 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:11

Okay. So twenty-five years ago, twenty-five years ago, I said I do to a man who, after the first time we met, hand-carved me a chili pepper out of wood that I'm showing you now if you're watching on YouTube. Because I thought they were cool decor at the time. And if you were of a certain generation, you might remember the phase of like kitchen decor where everything was a chili pepper, chili pepper wreaths and chili pepper hand towels and all that stuff. Well, I thought they were super cute. And I mentioned it after I saw a chili pepper wreath in a window in the West Village in New York City as we were walking by at some random hour of the night because it was definitely a random hour of the night. And I was like, oh my god, that's such a cute thing. And literally not long after did I receive a hand-carved chili pepper as a gift from him that still sits on our dresser in our bedroom. That was 29 years ago, actually, because it was when we were dating, when we were had just met. So 29 years ago. We've been married as of yesterday for 25 years. And I probably should have known right then when he was, you know, carving me chili peppers and sending me random gifts and buying me flowers, that this man was going to change my life in the best possible way. Every single day since then. And I don't even know how many days 25 years is because I didn't calculate it. Um hello, yellers. Welcome back to Why Am I Yelling? The podcast where this middle-aged mom figures out life loudly and usually from the car, going from one place to the next place, like practice and work and volunteering and the grocery store. I'm your host, Krista Rizzo. Welcome, welcome, welcome. If you're new here, first of all, bless you for finding us. Thank you. Bless you for staying, thank you. And please know this is a judgment-free zone. We laugh here, we cry here, we say the quiet parts out loud here because that's what menopause does. It makes you louder. Today's episode is actually a very special one, and I don't throw that word around lightly because podcasters a lot of times say this is a very special episode, and it's just, you know, a Tuesday afternoon. But today is special. Special, because I can't even say the word special. Today is special because today, this week, yesterday, Will and I are celebrating 25 years of marriage. Woohoo! Yay for us! 25 years. I've been saying that number out loud as often as I can because I genuinely can't believe it, especially since I'm only 28. Um, my kids the other night at dinner, we were talking to them, we were saying, Oh, you know, daddy and I are having our 25th wedding anniversary, and uh, we've been together for 29 years, and they were like, one of my older ones was like, bruh, that's more than like half your life. And we were like, Yeah, it's more than half our life. 25 is the silver anniversary, and we are definitely silver. I am getting my silver touched up tomorrow. So um, that hair color will be fixed as of tomorrow. But right now it is a little bit silver in the edges. Um, in honor of this milestone, I was thinking of how I could talk about, you know, 25 years of marriage, the importance of this most important relationship that I have in my life. Uh and I thought I could do something cute like 25 things I've learned in 25 years. Uh I think that's kind of been done before. And then the other day I was kind of cleaning things in my room, and I realized that I wrote a book a few years ago on relationships. And there are five relationship essentials in this book. That's what this is about. And then I thought, you know what, maybe, just maybe, I should talk about those five essentials in our marriage and how they have shaped what our marriage looks like today, and how I can, you know, kind of walk you through how they can potentially help shape yours, or remind you of why they are visible in yours and how you can look for them, maybe, hopefully. So the five essentials are communication, intimacy, boundaries, respect, and support. And we're gonna dig into each one of them uh on this podcast today. Uh, real talk, real stories, uh, some tears maybe. Um, but this, you know, is a love letter to 25 years of us doing this together. So happy anniversary, my dear. I love you. And let's let's get in, right? We're gonna start with communication. And, you know, I think communication is a really uh interesting word. And, you know, in the book I talk about it being the foundation for every relationship, not just marriage. And that's I talk about all of these essentials in in relationships, not just marriage, but I define communication as the ongoing intentional practice of sharing your inner world with someone else and actually making space to receive theirs. And the words I want to stress in that sentence is ongoing and intentional, because communication isn't a thing you do once, it is a thing you do all the time. You do it through your words, you through it through your body language, you do it through eye contact, it's verbal, it's nonverbal. It's a practice every single day. It's like brushing your teeth, right? Except it can get messier than actually brushing your teeth, and sometimes it makes you cry. My husband and I are very different communicators. I tend to be more expressive. I have learned to process more out loud. I used to bottle things up and not say anything, and then I would explode after a very long time. And it it it's that's not healthy, right? So now I have learned that I can tell you exactly what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling, and I do that without telling you how you should be thinking and feeling, which is not something I've always done, right? And I've learned that you can't tell me how to feel from my own child. So I haven't always been that uh aware and in tune to not telling people how they should feel. Um, and so communication for me has definitely evolved. My husband is more measured in his communication. He is a thinker, he is one of the smartest people you will ever encounter in your life, he is uh uh thoughtful and quiet, and he processes internally and intentionally. We have never, the two of us have never um yelled for all intents and purposes at each other. We don't yell at each other. When we disagree with each other, we kind of we debate and uh we think about things and we bring it to the table and we have you know conversations, and sometimes those conversations are very, very difficult, and sometimes they go way easier than I think either one of us anticipated. Um, we have never, in the 29 years that we have been together, called each other a name out loud. So there's no name-calling, there's no cursing, there's none, none of that. We have never done that to each other in our communication style, especially if our communication has been elevated. We have had to learn how to be effective communicators, right? Sometimes you think of this when someone's being quiet and they're not saying anything, you think they don't care, or when somebody is being over-annunciative and talks a lot, you think that they're not listening and they're drowning you out. And there's, you know, there definitely has been time or there have been times when we have talked past each other and not really understood what the other one was saying, and we've had to kind of dissect those things. But we have done a very good job of allowing each other and giving each other permission to be whoever we are in our communication. And, you know, I think that is a really important thing, right? It is about being deliberate, it's about being honest, it is understanding each other's body language and how we feel about processing our things and you know, involving other essentials in there, like respect and being supportive and and all of that stuff, because every single one of these essentials is important together as well as separately, right? And so I think for us, we have chosen to do the work every single day. And I think you know, you can't have a 25-year healthy marriage without admitting that there has been a crack in a foundation somewhere, or there has been, you know, turmoil elsewhere, and there have been very difficult days elsewhere. But also that we wake up, or at least I know I wake up, I don't speak for him and can't speak for him, but I wake up every morning and I choose this and I say thank you for this because it's important for us to have, at least for me, a healthy marriage. And communication is one of the things that it sits on, is one of our foundations, right? And it creates a safe space for both of us to feel like we can speak our mind, even if it's in the dark under the covers because we don't want to look at each other in the face, right? We have done that too. Um, but I know that I have this place to go if I ever need to be there, and I can have these conversations and feel safe and feel supported in them. And so that I think is the foundation for what our relationship looks like. There's safety in there. I call him my ride or die, right? My son the other day, I don't know what we were talking about. Oh, my car is in the shop right now getting a new engine, everybody. Uh, that's a different story for a different day. And it was before I got the loaner that I got yesterday from the car dealership. So for about a week, I was without a car. And it that makes me crazy. And so I didn't have a car and I'm pulling my hair, and I've got all these things to do. And my husband was like, Well, I'll just drive you to your office in Hartford, which is an hour away, and I go there twice a week. And my young son was like, Wow, that really is true love. Like, you're gonna drive her to work, and then like, what are you gonna do, dad? And he was like, I'm gonna I'll find a coffee shop or I'll work for mom's office or whatever. It didn't come to that because thank God the dealership came through and got me a loner until my car is done. But needless to say, my kid recognizes that my husband is my ride or die, and I think we do that for each other. So communication is the foundation for number one. Number one, essential, number two, essential. And these are obviously in no essential in no order, but I do think communication is a good foundation. Um intimacy. And you know, get your minds out of the gutter because it doesn't always go there, right? It's not what you think, and it is exactly what you think, all at the same time, right? It can be awkward, intimacy, right? Maybe it's a little awkward, right? But it's okay. But also in this book, we talk about or I talk about what the expansion of intimacy actually means. Because I feel like when you think about intimacy, you think about the Hollywood version of intimacy, which is you know being sexy and candles and perfectly timed moments, and everything is beautiful, and and all the things are happening in all the right timing and all the right places and all the right lighting. And guess what? In any year of marriage, that's not what it is, right? Real intimacy, the kind that sustains a long-term relationship, is built on quieter moments, right? It is the inside joke that nobody else knows. It's the look across a crowded room that says, I see exactly what you're thinking, and yeah, let's get out of here, right? It's knowing how somebody takes their coffee, which, you know, is important for some people. I don't drink coffee, right? It's knowing what keeps you up at 3 a.m. in the mor at 3 a.m. at night, right? And and what worries are going through your mind. It's familiarity. And, you know, I want to push back on this because I do hear this a lot. I hear people say that familiarity is the enemy of intimacy, that you lose the spark, the mystery is gone. And I understand what they mean, right? Like 25 years, like there's nothing he hasn't seen. Um, but familiarity to me is quite honestly the deepest form of intimacy because that means you're being fully known and you're staying anyway, right? And that's not boring, it's profound, right? We change. I don't have the same 20-year-old body that he met 29 years ago, right? I have had two children, he has evolved, we have changed. We are we are different humans. I'm going through menopause, not the most fun time to be alive or around me. I can assure you of that, right? He has seen me give birth to two babies in the room, holding the legs. He has been there for my postpartum, which also was not necessarily the easiest, although I tried to make it look as easy as possible. This was before I learned how to ask for help, right? These are all choices. He stayed because he chose to. Now, there was no really no reason for him to not stay, right? We we don't weren't arguing, the communication was fine, all those things, but it it's not always pretty, right? But that's intimacy. On the flip side, physical intimacy also matters. It matters a lot, it matters in your marriage, it can change your marriage, right? It goes through seasons for sure in any relationship, right? And I think you know, it's important for us to talk about how normal those seasons are. Not everybody is having sex every day, not everybody is having sex twice a week, not everybody is having sex once a week. Like, let's normalize that and not act like, oh my God, something is wrong. Right? Talk about it honestly and openly, and there's your communication, you know, weaving in with the intimacy, right? Those seasons are normal. Treat them with kindness, right? There is a physical side of marriage that doesn't survive neglect if you're not talking about it, right? It will not survive the pressure, and it will not survive the persistence if the persistence is coming from one end and the other and doesn't want it, right? Show up and have those conversations and talk about why. Maybe now's not the right time. Maybe I'm just not feeling myself, maybe hear the talk about it. After 25 years, we're not gonna talk about all the stuff that we talk about, but our physical intimacy and external intimacy connection has evolved so much for us, right? And I think we have both approached that evolution with patience and with some humor, uh, instead of making it into a problem, because it's not a problem, it is something that is so normal and happens in every single relationship. And if you are telling me otherwise, I'm gonna probably call you out on it and ask you how you're doing that, right? So whoever told you that intimacy fades after time and 25 years, I would like to have a conversation with them. Because it doesn't fade, it matures the same way we mature, and mature intimacy is built on a quarter of century of life together, and that is something that I value and would not trade for literally anything. So up next, respect R E S P E C T, right? Um, this one I think is not like they're all non-negotiable, but respect is really important, especially in today's day and age, right? Everything else, communication, intimacy, boundaries, support, if you are having a crack in your relationship, those can be rebuilt. But respect that's like the floor. And if the floor is rotted out, nothing above that is stable, you know? So let's be clear about what I mean by respect in a marriage, because it gets confused with politeness. They are not the same thing. You can be technically polite to someone while still dismissing them and rolling your eyes at them and undermining them and talking over them and treating their contributions as less important than yours. That is not being respectful. Respect is acknowledging the full humanity of your partner, of seeing them as a complete person, not just as the role they fill in your life, not just as an extension of you, but as their own sovereign being with their own inner world and their own wisdom and their own needs and their own value. Full stop. Will and I have very different strengths. I am very verbal, clearly, right? I like to think in words, I move fast, I have a lot of things going on in my brain any minute, any second of the day. I can generate ideas and thoughts and schedules at the rate of alarm for a lot of people, including myself sometimes, right? My husband is more analytical, he is more thought-processed, he has got a little bit more strategy in there for him. He plays the long game. I'm not great at playing the long game, right? In a less respectful dynamic, those two personalities that we are could easily become a struggle. There could be a power struggle there, right? He, I could be a steamroller. My aunt likes to call me the hurricane or the tornado or a combination of both. Um, I can very easily steamroll. I know that. And he can get quiet. I know that too, right? We could spend 25 years steamrolling and being quiet, but instead, we have figured out that these differences that we are, these two very different people that we are, are actually what keeps us together, right? I bring energy, he brings steadiness. I see big picture, and he helps us figure out how to get there. We are better together because we genuinely respect what the other person brings to our relationship and to our marriage. And I also think this is very, very important because we were 24 years old when we met, we were 28 and 29 when we got married, we are now into our 50s, right? Respect also means respecting your partner and who they are becoming. Because we are not the same people we were 25 years ago. Not when we got married, not who we expect them to be, who they actually are right now. My husband married a person who was I was 28 years old. I had no idea what I really wanted to be when I grew up. I wasn't sure I wanted to have kids. I still, I, you know, I well, there was a lot going on. We survived our first year of marriage was insanity. We survived 9 11. We survived health scares with my family, my grandmother passing away. Uh, the company I worked for went bankrupt, and I Lost all of my savings in my 401k, which at the time had a lot of stock options in it, to the tune of seven figures. Like we went through some shit in the first 365 days of our marriage that most people don't. And if we could overcome that, we could definitely figure it out. We figured it out. Every single day we figured it out. And so I am not the same person I was 25 years ago. And thank God for that. And he is not the same person he was 25 years ago, and thank God for that. And I think the most profound act of respect that we have shown each other is that we have supported and championed every version of each other along the way. Now, there may have been times where we didn't feel like we were being championed, and then we had to talk about it and work it out and kind of get through it. But at the end of the day, we have to trust each other and we have to build on that trust, and we have to respect each other enough to create that trust and continue to have that trust. That is the kind of marriage that I want for every single person listening to this podcast or this or partnership, right? It's the kind when you where you allow each other to grow and you respect each other for who you are growing into. And you will continually change as you get older. There's no way around that. Essential number four, boundaries. This is uh, you know, an essential that I think takes dramatic arcs in relationships, not just in mine. But um, you know, boundaries are hard to engage or to create, right? I didn't fully understand boundaries until I was many years into our marriage, because I lived with this delusion that I had to do all the things all the time. And that led to, you know, burnout and all the things. And so once I really understood that I had to be more verbal with asking for help and saying, This, I need help with this, or don't do that, or this is what bothers me, or we have to work on this, it wasn't until then that boundaries actually started showing up. And I was not operating from that place, and neither was Will. Like neither one of us kind of operated from that place. And so we have had to have conversations in our marriage throughout our 25 years that talk about our stresses and our own personal stresses and each other's stresses and our stresses with each other. And you know, we've had to take on that stuff, and we have kind of we've had to kind of work through it and take it piece by piece. And that has been very interesting to me because we have learned a lot about each other, I think. And you come back to that respect piece. It's like, yeah, I I actually I know this about you, and I have to respect that this is a boundary of yours, right? In the book, I talk about boundaries as a you know, a piece of your identity, as a declaration of identity and not building a wall. It's not a wall, right? It's not a stay away from me. It's this is who I am, and this is what I need in order to stay healthy for this relationship and to keep this relationship healthy, right? Reframing it that way will help change your mindset into what it actually means to have a boundary. Um, I didn't have any boundaries before, right? I have been, I'm a yes person. I don't like to let people down. I, you know, I that's just me. It's like I I don't say no. I don't I don't know how to say no. I have learned that no is a complete sentence. I've said it to a friend several years ago and she says it back to me a lot, but I know that no is a complete sentence, and I have to know what drains me and what fills me up, and I have to know that there are certain things that I have to guard for myself in order to keep my own sanity, especially as I am getting older and taking on more responsibility in different ways in my life, and my kids are getting older and their needs are changing, and my husband is changing, and like there's just stuff that that changes every day, right? And when you have the capacity and the uh availability to say, you know, I need something to change, or this is not this doesn't feel right to me, or I I I need this in order to feel this, right? That shouldn't unravel you, right? That should just be an adjustment period. You have to listen. Is that communication again? You have to listen to what your partner is saying, right? There might be friction, there might be a terrifying moment of like, oh my gosh, what if this what if this doesn't work? And we've all been there, right? But you don't, that doesn't make you unravel. It's just it's you communicating what you need, right? And we both have them, we both have our boundaries. I know that I need X, Y, and Z, and I know that he needs X, Y, and Z. And, you know, I'm not gonna ask him to do anything I know that he'll be uncomfortable with, and I don't think he would do the same thing for me. And we've had to learn that. And we also have to had to learn that just because you're uncomfortable with that and I'm not uncomfortable with that, we have to be okay with going separate ways for different things sometimes. And that's okay too, as long as you are okay with it and not harboring resentment because you know you're not into social activities the way I'm into social activities, and so I'm gonna go hang out with our friends, but I'm leaving you home, and I need to know that you're okay with it, and you're telling me that you're okay with it, but you're really not okay with it. Like, that's not okay, you know. But we've been there too, right? And I think being able to say those words, like this is important to me, I need to have this boundary, or this is important to me, and I can't, I'm not gonna do those things. And him saying those things to me, like this is important to me, I had this feeling when I'm doing this, or I don't, I need this from you, right? When we started to do those things, I think, you know, we both kind of realize that, yeah, hey, we shouldn't have to conform to the other person all the time. There are times when you make concessions, you're like, yeah, I'll go to this or I'll do that or whatever. But we shouldn't have to do it all the time. Our our comfortability is just as important. So, you know, you don't have to stretch to meet each other, but you should make an effort to make sure that you are comfortable with the agreement and the arrangement that you have around your boundaries. It's a negotiation, right? It is a continued living negotiation between two people who are committed to continue that negotiation to that relationship, to still showing up, to making the choice. That's the whole thing. Okay, essential number five. The last one is support, right? This one feels very, very personal to me. They're all personal, but the one that I, you know, was writing when I wrote the book, and the one that, you know, in 25 years of marriage feels like the most honest love letter I can write, I guess, right? It's support. So in the book I wrote about support being presence without an agenda, right? And I think we need to sit with that. Presence without agenda. And it means I'm here not to fix you, not to redirect you, not to manage your feelings so mine are more comfortable or more important, not to tell you how you should handle it. I'm just here. Witnessing you, holding space for you, rooting for you, all those things. My husband has been my most consistent supporter for 25 years. And what makes that, I think, remarkable is that supporting me has not always been easy or convenient or quiet. He has supported me through career shifts, several of them, including the one where I wrote a book, or the one that I started a podcast, or a coaching business, or went to go work in politics for six months or whatever I was doing. He has never said no. You shouldn't do that. Never not once. He has supported me through the hardest years of parenting. He has supported me through health stuff, through grief of losing both of my parents and my brother, losing relationships that have mattered to me. Uh through, you know, identity crises, crises that come with entering midlife and realizing I might not have been where I thought I was going to be at this age. And I'm still figuring it out, and that has to be okay. He's never made me feel like my struggle has ever been too much. And if you have ever had that experience of loving someone who made you feel like too much, you know how rare that is, right? You know how sacred it is to have somebody who accepts you for who you are and says it's okay. And let's work together to do that, to be that, to work on that. And it's a two-way street, this support thing, right? I think I've worked just as hard to hopefully be his person, for him to know that I am his soft place to land, right? And that, you know, I will listen without jumping to conclusions or solutions, but I will help to offer solutions if he wants them, right? I have learned how to sit in silence and think, because he's very good at that. Uh and I have learned sometimes to just get out of the way, and I think that he's learned the same thing, right? This steamroller sometimes just needs you to get out of the way so I can get stuff done. And he needs that too. The marriages that last, the ones that are worth having, they are built on this. On two people who genuinely want the best for each other, not in the abstract, in the real, daily, messy, sometimes inconvenient details of life. And after 25 years, Will Femia is still my person. I think he's still my biggest fan. No, he is, I'm sure he is. And he's definitely the one that I want in my corner. Like he's my ride or die, for sure. Um, and so, you know, this last part is for my husband, right? For 25 years, uh we have been going back and forth with each other, and these five essentials are have been at the forefront of my head for, you know, not just the last few years that I've since I've written the book, but they, you know, they have been a foundation for our relationship and our marriage for a very long time. And, you know, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for, you know, supporting me and for loving me and for putting up with me sometimes, and for learning my language and how I speak and how I work, and for teaching me yours and for growing and learning together. I think it's important for that. Thank you for respecting me and you know, letting me be loud and visible and out there, even when I know it's not comfort, a comfortability of yours, right? For taking me seriously, for you know, believing in in me and for uh appreciating and understanding boundaries when we've had to have them. And you know, I just think it's important that you know it's important to show up. And so thank you for showing up, for choosing this, for choosing us, for choosing our family. You know, every single day I get up and I say thank you, and I choose this. And I would not change it, I wouldn't change the hard stuff. I might make a few things a little easier, but I wouldn't, I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't change a minute. Um we have never coasted, we have always worked, and I think that that has been a really important message to not just us, but to our kids uh and you know, to the people around us. Uh, you know, I think it's important. I think we have stayed present, we have stayed kind, we have been mindful of each other. Uh, you know, 25 years ago when uh we were just mere babies, uh we said yes in front of a church full of people, right? We had no idea what we were signing up for in real life, and yet I would sign up for it again without hesitation. So there's that. Um, all right, that's it, you guys. That was today's Why Am I Yelling? It's a few minutes over, but it's our 25th anniversary celebration. So I needed to do a deep dive into the book essentials uh and talk about communication and intimacy and respect and boundaries and support, and now every single one of them lives inside of our relationships and our marriages and our friendships and all the things. So if any of this resonated with you, if you heard yourself in any of these segments, if you are at a season in life where you're celebrating milestones in your relationships, your marriages, your partnerships, your friendships, let me know how it's going for you. Send me a DM on Instagram, send me a comment, send me a voice memo. I want to hear your voices. Find us on YouTube. You can also grab the book. Excuse me if you haven't already. Uh, the details are in my bio on Instagram. I have a new website coming out soon. So you'll hear that. You'll see that soon too. But I also want to acknowledge this before I sign off for the end of this. Um, if you are in a relationship right now that is hard, and you're in one of those seasons and you're asking yourself, why are we still doing this? I want just to offer you this that it is possible to build something that lasts. Not because it's perfect, and not because it never breaks, but because you keep choosing each other, because you keep showing up with these essentials, even when it's hard. Especially when it's hard. Cheers to 25 years, yellers. We're still standing. I'm Christa Rizzo. This has been Why Am I Yelling? Thank you for being here. Thank you for letting me yell at you for 37 minutes. I'll see you next week. I love you.