Healing Changes What You Entertain

I just had a thought: it is so important to truly learn yourself. To ask yourself the hard questions — the kind that require honesty, courage, and stillness.

Who would you be if no one were watching?

Who would you become if you chose to live beyond the expectations and opinions of others?

Every time I ask myself those questions, I uncover a new revelation about my deepest needs, desires, and truths. Layers begin to peel back. I realize how much of life can be shaped by performance, approval, obligation, or survival — and how freeing it is to return to yourself.

There is something powerful about becoming acquainted with the version of you that exists without an audience. The version that does not need validation to feel worthy. The version that simply is.

Because when you truly know yourself, you become far less interested in getting caught up in the games others — particularly men — may be playing. Discernment becomes sharper. Peace becomes more attractive than confusion. And authenticity begins to matter more than attention.

And maybe that is where healing begins.

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SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hello friends. So I just had a thought. I just had a thought, I just had a thought. And it goes like this. And I'm going to see if I can flush it out for you in just a few minutes. As I'm getting ready to go run some errands and pick up my grandbaby. As women, it is so important that we keep the rose-colored glasses off and we see things clearly for what it is, and that we're so solid who we are, what we want, that we don't get caught up in other people's stories that's filled with dysfunction. For example, I was thinking about you know a young man. Now, I'm I'm not really dating, but I'm just walking through life with an open heart. I'm walking through life with an open heart filled with love. My energy is all about love. You'll have to meet me to see it and embrace it and feel it. It's very hard for me to articulate it. But I am a happy person. Joy is my default, so I am extremely fortunate and blessed for that. However, I do have interactions with male energy and I will get married again. I will get married again. I am so sure about that. Right now, I am focused on being in love with me. Shout out to the sister who wrote I'm in love with myself or something like that. I gotta find the name of that book. Um the proper name and her uh and the um author's name. But right now I'm really in love with myself, I'm really enjoying my own company. Now I do desire to hang out every now and then it's very impromptu, it comes out of nowhere where I might want to hang out with a male with male energy, and uh, and I might reach out and say, Hey, what are you doing tonight? Uh, understanding that it's not, you know, sometimes I win, sometimes I don't. You know, sometimes he is available, or sometimes he isn't. Um, and that's okay, you know, and I have multiple male friends, but I don't see them often at all. I don't interact often, and it's just for a glass of wine, you know, whether we go to a restaurant, a lounge, or sit on my balcony. It's really just for that, you know. Being in I'm a I'm a feminine woman who desires and loves being in the presence of male energy. There's so much that you learn and you garnet as a woman, and it gives balance to life, it gives balance, right? A lot of what I share, I share with sisters, you know. A lot of my conversations are with sisters, so it's great when I can just have someone on one time with male energy. Now, do some of them like me? Do some of them or some of them uh what's the word? Passive aggressive? Yes. Because men are sensitive too, and I don't know, there's been a conversation over the last 10 years that men are actually more sensitive than women, and that's been a conversation in my personal life in my community uh within the last 10 or so years. That being said, everyone has a story, everyone has ego, everyone has an ego, and I recognize that sometimes I have to be careful not to get caught up in their dys not dysfunction, but whatever's going on in their lives. I have to make sure that I'm so solid that I'm not a part of a game that they don't even realize they're playing. I have to make sure that I am not a part of a game that they don't realize they're playing. For example, like Jesse Woo, um, the content creator said when she was talking about Meg uh the stallion and um and I may be saying her name incorrectly, and the guy that broke her heart, and unfortunately it was a social media, um, it's it social media is giving it a lot of uh, you know, or content creators are giving it a lot of attention. And my heart goes out to Meg, but something that not but and something that Jesse Woo said was he knew when he knew when he got involved with Meg that he wasn't in it for the long haul. He knew. And Meg being parentless sounds like from the limited information I have on the young lady, the artist, uh, that she doesn't really have a lot of um familial support. She doesn't have a strong, you know, a lot of family around her or or I don't know, maybe even like a mentor or a big sister to guide her, you know. Definitely her parents are not here, not on earth with her anymore. So she's vulnerable and she was seeking family. So she's cooking for him and keeping up with her, I believe she's on Broadway or she's in a play, and she's keeping up with a vigorous schedule and you know, doing things for him and his family and being there for his games, etc. etc. If all of this is true, this is a really great example of getting caught up in someone's game and putting on or wearing rose-colored glasses because there's always a sign. There is always a sign, or there's always an intuition as women. We have so much intuition. As I've said many times, I was with someone for 10 and a half years, and on our first date, it dropped in my spirit. I heard you could lose him one day to Africa, and 10 and a half years later, guess what happened? I lost him to Africa, I lost him to Mother Africa. There was an inner knowing. As women, we have inner knowings, but yet we put on rose-colored glasses. So it's so important that we are solid in ourselves. That's why I am taking my time. I just completed, as I've mentioned in a previous post, I'm sure, because I do really good at return. I'm really good at repeating myself. Um, and I talk to so many people, so you know, and I'm in the moment. I'm so in the moment, I don't know if that's why I don't remember what I say, or you know, uh you I kind of get a feeling, or I can definitely tell from other people. Now it's funny, people repeat themselves to me all the time, and I just let them do do it every now and then. If it's like the third or fourth time, I might say something, or I might say, Yeah, I remember, you know. Um, but uh I for the most part I just let people tell the story again. Now, if I'm worried about my friend's memory, I'm definitely gonna say something. And I do have a friend that I'm kind of worried about her memory. Um, because it's really like whoa, it's it's it's a lot of things. There's a lot of things that I've said, and it's like, I don't know if she's just not listening, you know, she's she's her mind is somewhere else, but I really think that it's mental. I I think that there's there's an issue developing with her, um, you know, and I've I've told her outright, I've dropped hints, but you know, she's not taking heed. Uh, but anyway, I digress. Uh back to my point, and I've gone all over Robin's barn, so I've lost my point. But I think what I was saying was, I am really enjoying my own company. Oh, this is what I was gonna say. Uh, as I've mentioned before, I am graduating soon with uh a master's degree, and I am so very proud of me. And I didn't call everybody and celebrate. I literally got a bottle of wine, opened up my blinds, it got dark, I turned on the patio lights, uh, had the blinds open, and I just enjoyed myself. I enjoyed the wine, I enjoyed, you know, the the the night, the night sky. I enjoyed how beautiful my home looks. I just was in the moment. You know, uh last Saturday in preparation for uh presenting. I went and got my nails done and my uh my feet done. I got this luxurious, um, it felt like an hour. I think that it was like an hour pedicure. They did everything, they rubbed oranges on my legs, they steamed my legs, I got a 20-minute massage. Oh, it was divine, it was divine. I say all that to say, and I did it alone. I did it alone. So I am in the process of it, took me a long time. That brother that I was with for 10 and a half years broke my heart in 2020, 2021, and it took me years to get over it. It took me years to get over it. However, during those years, I have been building and building, I have been acknowledging the areas in our relationship that was beautiful. But be clear, two things can exist at the same time. There are areas of our relationship that was beautiful, but there are areas that I wore rose-colored glasses on during, and while it's okay that I've had that experience, it's okay that I had that experience because now I have something to compare it to. I also realize and I've grown and I've I've grown into a person who is so solid and so sure about who she is and what she wants, that never ever ever will I conform and bend. Now, there's a difference between changing who you are and compromising. I will never change aspects of who I am, believing that that is what it takes to maintain a solid relationship. And the most important thing is that my relationship with myself is so solid that if a person is at the onset of getting to know someone, because that I'm I've I know many people. I have I have really good black men in my life, and I'm meeting them often, I'm connecting eye to eye, spirit to spirit, and you know when you see someone, yesterday I saw someone, and there was definitely a connection. He definitely liked me, but he didn't know how to approach me, and he kept lingering. But that's on him to figure that out, you know what I mean? Um, but I am in a place where as I get to know one, as I'm ready, whenever I'm ready, because right now I'm not, I cannot say that I'm ready, I'm open, but I'm not hungry for it, you know. So I don't know. Ready, I'm having a really interesting relationship with the word ready because I'm very open to it. At the same time, I am moving and grooving. I have a book that's being published. I have, I woke up this morning to thoughts of my other book and how I'm going to start it. I have businesses to launch, LLCs to form, you know, I'm on the move. I'm moving, grooving, and I am moving and grooving. And I am an active member of my, I'm an active grandmother. You know, my children are grown, but I'm active in their lives. So, and I'm enjoying it, you know. And of course, every day that I do something, that I fulfill a dream, uh and um I am learning more and more about myself. So I guess my relationship with the word ready is that I am open. However, I'm enjoying learning more and more about myself. So I'm so curious as to where on that journey I will be when the day comes and it's that's it. Where he comes into my life, he's not on concern or worried, hesitant to confront me. I take a chance and we decide to pursue something with intention, not pursue something because I'm a part of a game that he doesn't know he's playing, or like Jesse Wu thinks with Meg the Stallions ex, is cognizant of the fact that he is pretending to want to be in a relationship with me, but it's really because he just wants to get in bed with me. I'm a woman of a big age, and I love my age, and I love who I am right now. I'm a very sexy, sensuous African, Caribbean, Hispanic American who is who loves her beautiful smooth chocolate skin. I love every aspect of me, and I've been through a lot. And make no mistakes, even though I'm experiencing joy, there is something in my life that is very painful, but I choose joy. I was sitting on the steps earlier, looking at my wall of photos that my friend gifted me. Uh, black and white photos of my family. My paternal grandmother is on there, my parents are on there, and my siblings are on there, my nieces are on there, and of course, my children, and I'm in there. And I was just looking at my my grandmother's face and her features, and looking at my face, and seeing if there's similarities, and looking at my children's and my grandson's faces. I mean my ch my grandson's face and my children's faces, excuse me. And I thought about my parents. I thought about the fact that my father was an alcoholic from the time I came into the world till the time he left the world. I thought about my mother. My mother was depressed from the time I came into the world to the time she left the world. I thought about the immense amount of dysfunction. Even though, of course, there were positive and good aspects to who they were. At the same time, the reason why I'm writing my book is because I cannot let this story. I cannot leave this story untold. I just pray that I am brave enough to face the intricacies and the depths of the pain that my parents caused me, that their behavior caused me, so that I can tell it and release it. I'm learning from their story. I've learned from their story. That's another reason why it's important to dissect it and tell it. And one thing that came to me as I'm listening as I'm listening and paying attention to my own thoughts is that uh negativity. I'm trying to remember the way it came to me because the word tragedy is is coming up for me. And I'm trying to remember, is that what I said? Is that what I felt? Is that what the download was about? Was that my thought process? I feel like they led tragic lives, e lives, even though or their deaths were tragic. That's what I feel. I feel like that they should be here and their deaths were tragic. The fact that they're not here is tragic. And tragedy begets tragedy if you continue to live in negativity and to reminisce on negativity and negative all the negative things that's happened to you, and you just and you don't um embrace the positive aspects of your life and the blessings of your life, there's a a poor ending to that story. And if you don't get the help that you need, and you continue to allow yourself, you choose, you choose to be good when you go to church, but you choose to wreak havoc on your offspring. To use your offspring as a punching bag, as a verbal punching bag. Your offspring whose only crime was to love you and look like her mother. Your ex-wife. Obviously I'm speaking of my dad, that were nothing that I could be proud of as his as his daughter. So if you don't get the help that you need, if you don't change your ways, if you continue to to play Russian roulette with your life by drinking and partying and hanging out with young people, even though your daughters are telling you uh to do otherwise. Eventually it would lead to tragedy. There was a reason why he drank, and I'm sure that was there's something negative there, very, very negative, that happened. And I'm not disregarding, I'm not excluding or taking a away mental, you know, I'm not disregarding, I think it's a best word, the fact that there may be some mental issues there. I'm also saying in that there are always there were opportunities to get help. And no matter what, energy begets energy. So no matter how much I try to figure it out, energy begets energy. So guess what? While I was on that step, on those steps today, I just said that's why I will move forward, even though there are things in my life that pains me. Pains me. I will continue to be uplifted, I will continue to go through life with an open heart, I will continue to be your spirit lifter, I will continue to encourage, I will continue to smile and laugh. And like this morning, I woke up and decided to play music and dance around my bedroom suite. I will continue to pour light and love in the world and feel good and choose happiness because happiness begets happiness. And in my happiness, I will not allow a man to come into my world and that is not healthy. I will not put on rose-colored glasses when I see that there is some type of dysfunction there. Like there's someone in my life right now and it's a business, he's in my life for business purposes, but he likes me. And you know, he's a good looking guy, he's intelligent, he's skilled. However, I would be a fool if I put on rose colored glasses and didn't acknowledge the fact that there's something about him that is not straightforward. He's already said he's passive aggressive. I don't do passive aggressive. So, why would I even pursue that beyond a casual relationship, business relationship, light friendship? Sometimes women, I have watched women be so desperate that they ignore that feeling and force it just for the sake of companionship. Sister, loving yourself, loving on yourself, spending time alone is way better, way more beautiful than exposing yourself and putting yourself inside of someone else's dysfunction, being a part of their game. Because for someone to tell me he's passive aggressive, to not be straightforward, and for me to know based on his story that he has a lot going on, none of which I want in my life, I will be stepping into a story, stepping into a situation, stepping into perhaps a game he is playing that he doesn't know he's playing. All because he's following whatever need he has. And I love it. We're beautiful. Listen, people have needs. Men and women desire to be with each other. I love that for us. All I'm saying is be honest. Tell the truth. Tell the truth to yourself about who you are. What especially, especially us women of big ages. And for you young ones too. And for you young ones too, why waste your youth when you can have the wisdom of getting to know yourself, spending time alone, being honest with exactly who you are and what your desires are. And then when someone comes into your life, when the one comes into my life, I can honestly show up proudly and boldly as I am, and I'm pretty bold already. And if I am not accepted by that person for who I am, how I wear my hair, how I dress, how I speak, what my desires are, the type of activities I love to do, how I smell, how I laugh, how did I say how I speak already? I think I did. How I love to play music in the morning and dance around the house, how I love being happy, how I love talking to strangers, I love traveling alone. Of course I'll travel with him too. But if he's not accepting of me, that is perfectly fine. Then all that means is that I am not worth, I am not what's the word I'm looking for? He is not for me. He is not for me. That's what that means. He is not for me. And the same goes, it goes the other the opposite way as well. If I cannot accept how he looks, how he chews, how he eats, what he eats, how he takes care of his personal hygiene. Because men sometimes have been, I've seen some men and I've befriended some men, and I'm like, whoa guys, your nails aren't clean, but you want to touch me? You don't floss, so your breath is a little unsavory. You know, um, you don't take care of your health, and you're a man of a big age, so what does that mean for our future? Because you don't you get mad when I tell you, hey, some let me make you some vegetable juice, or let's have, let's eat salad today. You get angry, you get annoyed. Um, so if I cannot accept how a man chooses to live his life, who his inner circle is, or what drama he has attached to his name by way of children, ex-wives, baby mamas, it is his right to walk away. And for us to be blessed from whatever the beauty of our interaction was, whatever we could learn from each other and this human experience, because that's what all this is about. Is about our spiritual beings having a human experience. I want my human experience to be glorious. Already the world is always on fire, there's always painful events going on. I cannot control that, but I can control me. And I can certainly control the energies that I allow next to me, the energies that I allow to share space with me. So when that guy comes into my life, I don't have to get caught up. I don't have to put on the rose-colored glasses because I don't need to be chosen. I don't. I am looking for and I am open to alignment, someone to hold my hand through life, who has a very similar outlook on life, who believes in holistic health, taking care of one's mind, body, and soul, and who's open to conversing regularly on what that means and what that looks like. Someone who's kind and loving and gentle with his words, optimistic, supportive naturally, intelligent, and of course, like me, handsome for him, pretty for me, and sexy. But again, as I close this little share, the reason why I decided to come on here was to just remind you. Do your best to be so solid, so solid in who you are, so in love with yourself, that you pay attention, you listen to the spirit within, and you do not allow yourself to get caught up in another person's game that they may not even be aware that they're playing. Peace and love. Ciao for now to be continued.