EP 203 | The Power of Integrity: How to Stay True to Yourself When Opinions Overwhelm

"I lost myself this year. I let everybody else's opinions dictate how I lived my life." Those tearful words from a friend struck me deeply because we've all felt that painful disconnect between who we are and who others expect us to be. 

In this episode, I dive into the struggle of maintaining your integrity when the world is shouting its opinions at you. Drawing from my own recent battles with self-doubt and the pressure to conform, I share how even as a confidence coach, I've lost sleep wondering if I'm on the right path when faced with criticism and conflicting advice.

The journey to staying true to yourself isn't about perfection—it's about intention. I explore the warning signs of losing yourself (feeling anxious about others' thoughts, saying yes to draining commitments, playing a role instead of living authentically) and offer practical tools to reclaim your center. From the powerful three-person rule (only three people's opinions should truly matter to you) to the perspective-shifting 10-year test ("Will I regret changing myself for this person in 10 years?"), these strategies help filter the overwhelming noise that can drown out your inner voice.

Chapters:

• 0:00: Losing Yourself to Others' Opinions
• 6:27: The Power of Staying True to Yourself
• 15:23: Avoiding the Downward Spiral
• 24:09: Handling External Pressures and Opinions
• 27:46: Staying Grounded in Your Values
• 31:13: Your Voice Matters: Final Thoughts

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Transcript

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Losing Yourself to Others' Opinions

Speaker 1 0:00

I recently had a friend say to me the fall of 2024 , she said I lost myself this year and I said how ? And she said I let everybody else's opinions dictate how I lived my life . And she just started to cry . And I'll never forget that conversation because we've all been there . Welcome to the Confident Podcast .

Speaker 1 0:23

I am Lisa Tarkington , your guide to mastering confidence and leadership . As the business and life coach , keynote speaker and the driving force behind LEAD , I am here to help you break free from self-doubt , silence , the imposter syndrome , and step into your power as the person you're meant to be . If you press play today , it's because you're ready for something bigger . Each week , I'll bring you real , raw conversations and actionable insights that will empower you to redefine your leadership , reclaim your confidence and transform into the unstoppable force you've always known that you could be . This isn't just another podcast . It's a journey we're on together , so buckle up and let's dive into this transformation . Your next level awaits .

Speaker 1 1:13

Hi everybody , welcome back for another episode of the Confident Podcast . I am your host , lisa Tarkington , and today we are a podcast presented by LEAD , which is a nonprofit focused on teaching people career readiness skills and preparing them with life skills to really help them grow , and so we're so grateful that LEAD is a part of this podcast and that we're bringing you guys so much content every week to really help you on your journey . So , when we think about growth , I'm really excited about today's topic . I'm really excited to talk about confidence and a little bit more about my journey , some things that I've been struggling with recently , but also some tools to really help you . So today's topic is going to be all about the power of integrity , how to stay true to yourself when opinions overwhelm and , honestly , this has really happened , and this is why I'm talking about this in this episode is because I have felt this really strong lately and I have the tools . I have the tools to help me grow as a person , and so what I really want to do is make sure that you guys all have the tools to help yourself whenever you're struggling .

Speaker 1 2:27

So think about it in the sense . Have you ever felt like you were losing yourself in the noise of other people's opinions ? So raise your hand if that's you . For me , I have felt that , and maybe you've questioned whether you're making the right decision , or you feel like you're pulled in different directions by expectations , or you feel like you're pulled in different directions by expectations or , honestly , maybe people's opinions have kept you up at night because you don't know how to respond and you're trying to kind of vet through them . For me , all of these things have been true . So today we're going to be diving into this important skill of staying true to yourself , especially in the world when it's loud , full of opinions and people are very quick to judge . I've just noticed this in across all environments in the world right now is people are very quick to judge , people are very quick to make opinions , and it's really hard to vet those things as a person . And so for me , like I said earlier , this is really close to home .

Speaker 1 3:24

You know , I'll be honest , I think one of the hardest things is is sometimes I miss working in the corporate world , because when you have your own company , the opinions are a little bit louder . When you run a nonprofit , like I did from the ground up , a lot of people have opinions of how you should run it . I mean , I bet in the corporate world the CEOs get a lot of opinions from people as well , and I got opinions when I worked in the corporate world , but I would say that it's a lot more than I ever have experienced before , and what I've noticed is that I've felt the pressure to stay true to myself , stay the course , and then go against my values sometimes . So I think that I I think for me I've felt these pressures like I need to stay true to myself , I need to stay the course I people then will have an opinion and it might go against my values , like I've had to figure out all of these things and I've had to make a lot of tough decisions that don't always align to the norm . So when I say this , what I'm trying to say is that sometimes , for me , I get a really different ideas . I really love to see different perspectives . I like to be innovative . I like all of these things , and there's so many people that do as well .

Speaker 1 4:43

But you'll always have people that will have opinions on that and maybe veer off you a little bit on what your values are , and so you have to stay aligned to your values . You also have to understand that staying true to yourself is sometimes really hard . It shouldn't be hard , but when you're getting flooded with a ton of different people's opinions , you're like okay , is this the right way ? Should I be staying this course . You know all of these types of things , and so it's hard . It's hard to not question yourself . And so really today , what I really want us to do is figure out like how to help you guys so that when people's opinions , when the comparison game kind of comes into play , how you can overcome those things .

Speaker 1 5:26

And when we think about people's opinions and things like that , there are some days where I'm able to shrug it off . Many of you guys are probably like me on that . Then there are days where things are just tough and you hear someone say something and it just like hits you and maybe kind of like takes you over the edge just a little bit , and that's been happening to me recently . I've kind of lost a lot of sleep in my life over people's opinions . But what I learned , it's because I care so much about what I do and I have realized that I've had to look internally for a lot of things .

Speaker 1 6:06

I've also had to go to the cheerleaders in my life and , honestly , when things got tougher , people's opinions came too strong about my direction . I just wanted to quit . I just wanted to quit and be like forget all of this , I'm just going to sit in a box , you know type of thing , and I know that that's not the answer . You'll see

The Power of Staying True to Yourself

Speaker 1 6:27

today , when we go through all the points , that that's not the answer and I know that that's not . But I allow myself to sulk for maybe hour , hour and a half and then I have to move on . But it's always because of noise , it's always because of people's opinions and it's made me question myself more than I want to admit to all of you guys . But I'm always real on this podcast and I want you to see where I'm coming from with situations .

Speaker 1 6:52

So over the years I would say that I've gotten better at filtering things . But I have my occasions . I would say once a quarter . They still come up every now and then and I've had to really look internally and be like well , what does Lisa need ? What are her values ? How is she going to stay true to herself ? How is she going to stay the course ? Because there's reasons why I make the decisions that I make , and I think all of you as well . We make these decisions because we see the path , we see the vision , we understand and sometimes we do question ourselves . But we're also learning as we go and that's what I want for all of you .

Speaker 1 7:28

So , when you think about this , I'm going to use the word integrity , which is kind of part of this whole conversation , because integrity matters and your integrity matters , and there will always be people that have questions about it . But I was sitting on a panel recently with some individuals and they asked us what's some advice that you would give someone who is starting out their career ? And someone said to have integrity . And I think I needed to hear that in the moment , because I'm very proud of my integrity . But there are people that will always question it , and so when I think about integrity , I think about that . Being authentic just isn't a buzzword , it's really the foundation of confidence and leadership .

Speaker 1 8:13

When you aren't staying with your integrity , you start to lose yourself over time , because you don't realize that you're fully or almost disconnected from who you are . I've seen this in myself and those around me is that I've lost myself before and I never want that again and I don't want that for you . And it's not always about the honesty piece , but it's about the alignment with your values and your actions , and so there will always be people that will have things to say about you and they can be overwhelming , but when you understand what you bring to the table , it is a game changer . When you understand your values and why you're doing things and the actions that you're taking , it is so important to know that integrity matters , and so in this episode , we're going to really unlock a few things for you guys . We're going to unlock how to stay true to yourself , how to avoid the downward spiral because it happens and then how to tune out the noise and stay grounded to who you are . So these are things that we're going to be discussing today , and so let's dive right into it .

Speaker 1 9:18

So the first one so what does it really mean to be true to yourself ? So when I think about this , I think being true to yourself isn't just about being the same person all the time . It's about growing . It's necessary , it's about evolving as a person . But at the core , it means that your actions and your decisions align to your values , and we've had some podcasts on the values before , so , if not , go check those out . I'll put them in the show notes as well .

Speaker 1 9:47

But it's not about someone else's expectations of you . That's not staying true to yourself . What's staying true to yourself is understanding . Okay , these are my values . This is what I feel is true for myself , and these are my actions and decisions that I'm going to make to align to those things . So when you're trying to figure out like , well , am I aligned , am I not aligned , how am I staying true to myself ? Here's a few different ways that you can see if you're staying aligned or if you're not .

Speaker 1 10:13

So the first piece so stay signs that you're aligned . So the first one is is do you feel at peace with your decisions , even when they're difficult ? Do you need you don't need constant approval and validation and you're able to respect your own boundaries , so you're able to set them and then also respect them . And so that's when you can find that you're staying aligned to who you are , when you feel at peace with your own decisions , even though they're difficult . There are many decisions that I've made where I'm like I know I made the right decision , why am I ? Getting questioned ? And then that's where the difficulty kind of comes into play . But when you are like , no , I made that decision , I'm sticking by it , that's amazing when you don't need all the likes on social media or people to validate how you're feeling and also the boundaries . Boundaries are key . I just had this conversation with someone the other day and I was like well , what are your boundaries ? How are you aligning to who you are ? And they had allowed people for so long to not have boundary , or have allowed themselves to not have boundaries , that people have taken advantage of them to the key , so to the T , so they haven't been able to stay true to who they are .

Speaker 1 11:22

The next one is signs that you're out of alignment . So when you feel anxious about what others think , when you're saying yes to things that drain you and you feel like you're playing a role instead of living your truth . So signs that you're out of alignment I'm going to say that last one again when you feel like you're playing a role instead of living your truth , when you feel anxious of what others think and honestly , I'm going to throw another one in here is when you start to disassociate with things . And so for me , when I'm out of alignment , I feel all of these things . I start to disassociate with things , I start to feel like I'm playing a role versus being true to me , and there's just like this feeling inside of like the Lisa is just trying to come out , but she's stuck inside because I'm holding her back . Other people are not holding her back . She is choosing to listen to what other people have to say and then holding herself back .

Speaker 1 12:28

And for me , when I'm out of alignment , what I've noticed is my body , like my head goes down a little bit more , my shoulders go down a little bit more and I'm not like rising to the occasion with my confidence . But when I'm true to myself , I am like I am Lisa 10.0 . I'm such in a good mood and I know that I've worked with a lot of leaders who have been in alignment and then out of alignment . We know the difference . It's just what are we going to do about it to get back into alignment when we're out of it ? And so I want you to ask yourself this . So there's going to be takeaways in every section for today .

Speaker 1 13:07

So the takeaway for this piece is I want you to ask yourself am I making this decision because it aligns to who I am or because I feel the pressure of what others think ? I'm going to say that again . The action is ask yourself am I making this decision because it aligns to who I am , my values , or because I feel the pressure of what others think ? And when you're staying true to yourself , you're making those alignments to who you are versus what other people think , and I've been there where I've picked both of them . Some I've stayed the course with myself and I've gotten the pushback , but I , like , stayed the course and I'm so proud of myself . Then there's times where I've given in and I will share .

Speaker 1 13:51

One of the times was I really when I worked in corporate . There was a job I really really wanted and I went and met with a leader and I saw the job opening . I was like I think I'd be the great fit . She agreed , but kind of the protocol in the corporate world for where I was at was that I had to talk to my boss about it my leader at the time and he didn't think it was a good fit for me because he had other plans for me time . And he didn't think it was a good fit for me because he had other plans for me and instead of saying a line to what I wanted to do , I listened to his opinion of where he saw my career going and I had to call that person and say my leader doesn't want me to take the job . And she was frustrated . I was frustrated , but I listened to them and I'll never forget that moment of thinking .

Speaker 1 14:36

I did not stay true to myself . I allowed someone else's opinion of what I should be doing with my career to take over and that was a big aha for me to notice like I was not true to myself during that time and I was kind of miserable with a few things that were decided for me and I felt like I didn't have a voice . And I think ever since then I've really tried to stay true to the course that I want to take for my life because at the end of the day , I have to live with that every day . So when you're thinking of other people's opinions and they're overwhelming you and you're trying to stay with your integrity , I want you to remind yourself staying true to yourself will really , really stick to it . It will help you do that .

Speaker 1 15:20

The next one is how to avoid the downward

Avoiding the Downward Spiral

Speaker 1 15:23

spiral . So I talk about downward spiral all the time . So the downward spiral happens when we have fear , when we have doubt , when we have these external voices and I talk a lot to my coaching clients about the gremlin that sits on our shoulder that kind of like feeds into the negativity into our brains and it can start small . Right , it can start small , with us just questioning ourselves and we're comparing our journeys to other people . Then we're like , oh , I need to seek validation and all of these things like happen . But if we aren't checking ourselves at the door , we can have burnout . We can fall into the trap of again not staying true to ourselves and , honestly , not recognizing ourselves anymore .

Speaker 1 16:07

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Speaker 1 17:25

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Speaker 1 17:53

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Speaker 1 18:59

I recently had a friend say to me the fall of 2024 , she said I lost myself this year and I said how ? And she said I let everybody else's opinions dictate how I lived my life and she just started to cry and I'll never forget that conversation because we've all been there . But watching a friend go through that was just so hard because I could see through that she was seeking validation from others , but not internally . She was comparing her journey to others and she was questioning herself constantly and the downward spiral just continued to happen where she was in a very , very negative place . And some common triggers that happen with the spiral is , like I said , the comparison in social media Sometimes when you see someone succeeding and suddenly you feel like you're behind . I felt that . I felt that a lot .

Speaker 1 19:53

Maybe it's people pleasing or fear of judgment . Again , these are limiting beliefs that we put on ourselves , but we start to change ourselves just to fit in . We stop taking risk because we're scared , and it also has burnout and exhaustion . When you just feel mentally drained , that's when self-doubt creeps in , and I've noticed that myself is when I haven't given myself the breaks that I need . That mental load is on my brain and then I have all of these things that just kind of come up . And I'm very lucky that I have a husband who will just be like all right , let's have a conversation about this , right .

Speaker 1 20:28

But as I teach these things , I'm able to recognize them quicker . However , the story that I shared with my friend she didn't recognize it for , I think , eight to 10 months , and that's okay if you're in that position . But now what I want you to do is have the tools to really help you and keep moving forward so that you can really stick to your integrity , you can stay with , okay , when the downward spiral starts to happen . How am I going to bounce back right ? And some ways to do that is self-check-ins . I would say that this is something that I do way more than I ever have , and I remember the first year that I started to do this more than I ever have , and this was four years ago Four years ago , in March actually where I was starting to really have these reflections with myself what do I want in my life ?

Speaker 1 21:18

What does Lisa need ? And it wasn't the selfish like this is my way or the highway . It was more of a conversation that I had to have with myself , saying you know , what are your values ? Are you on the right course ? Are you happy ? You know values ? Are you on the right course ? Are you happy , you know ?

Speaker 1 21:38

Another thing when it comes to the downward spiral is asking yourself is this thought serving me or is it pulling me down ? We have to have those reflections , we have to do those check-ins with ourselves and we have to ask ourselves those hard questions Is this thought serving me or is it bringing me down ? And maybe another one for you guys to help you with the spiral is this thing called the three-day rule , or I like to say the 24-hour rule that if you're spiraling , you take a step back and you just take it for three days before making a decision . Because sometimes , when we're in the downward spiral , we make impulsive decisions , we also start to overshare , we get frustrated , we get mad at people , we're angry , we're negative and we sometimes make decisions that we don't even want to stick to . And so , for me , what I've had to do is really reflect . I've done better where I can look at it in 24 hours and make better decisions , but I can't make them within the hour . So if I'm feeling overwhelmed by people's opinions , if I'm feeling like the downward spiral is coming into play , I have to take that break to reflect before I can move forward .

Speaker 1 22:51

And the next one is the power of perspective . This is something that I work with all of my clients on , and usually I'm giving multiple perspectives . And it's also a great thing to ask yourself will this matter in five years ? And if it will not matter , then we need to let the little gremlin who's sitting on our shoulder go away , and I know it's not as easy as that , but what I'm trying to say is that it's about reflection . It's about taking the time to ask yourself questions . It's about asking yourself will this matter in five years ? Is this thought serving me and how do I move forward ? So your action for this section to really help you grow is when you are feeling yourself spiraling .

Speaker 1 23:36

I want you to pause , I want you to breathe . I want you to step away from that social media . I want you to step away from that situation . I want you to journal . I want you to write down what's really real , what's really going on , and I want you to ground yourself in the truth , because you have a truth . And the more that we can be honest with ourselves , not only does it help us overcome the downward spiral , but it also helps us stay true to ourselves , with our integrity and our values .

Speaker 1 24:06

The next one is handling external pressures and opinions

Handling External Pressures and Opinions

Speaker 1 24:09

. I think that this is what we're covering in all of these things . So I'm just going to be honest . Everybody's going to have an opinion . They have opinions . They will tell you this is how you should run your business . This is how you should run your household . This is how you should raise your kids . This is how you should do your job . Everybody's going to have an opinion . Just going to let you know that I have opinions too , right , but it's about how to learn how to filter through the noise to really understand how you can add people's opinions and feedback into our lives , but also how to filter them .

Speaker 1 24:48

So the first one is that you have to know that your voice matters and whose voices matter . So sometimes when you're hearing a lot of people's opinions and they're overwhelming , it's sometimes people's opinions and voices that actually don't matter . So when I go back to the perspective of will this matter in five years , you might already be having something in your head , like I do , of something I'm like , yep , that's actually not going to matter at all in five years . That person's voice is not going to matter in five years at all . In five years , that person's voice is not going to matter in five years . But there are people that I really really respect . Their opinions and their feedback is so important to me and I'm able to vet what they have to say . And the other thing is is like it's also understanding whose voices deserve space in your decision-making ? Not everybody does . Voices deserve space in your decision making Not everybody does and when you can vet through that , it is a game changer for your future . I can promise you that .

Speaker 1 25:46

Another one is the 10-year test . Ask yourself will I regret changing myself for this person in 10 years ? Will I regret doing what they've asked of me in 10 years ? Even hearing that , probably most of my answers would be like absolutely not right . And the next one is the power of silence practicing it . So when someone gives you an opinion , we can get defensive , we can hear what they have to say and we can be like all right , let's make this change , like all of these things . But sometimes you don't even need to respond . Not everything needs a response . Sometimes the most confident thing you can do is nothing and keep moving forward or say nothing , and I think that that's okay .

Speaker 1 26:27

You know we have to filter through the noise because as we grow as a society , as social media grows , as people feel like they can just say whatever they need to say , we're going to have to figure out how we're going to overcome this . And for me , there are many times where I've gotten pushed back . My whole life I've gotten pushed back for things , but I've had to really understand and filter through the noise . I've had to look at people's stories and I've had to . Ok , I see your perspective . What's true to myself ? How am I going to filter through this noise ? And there are nights , like I shared in the beginning of this podcast , that I have lost a lot of sleep over these things because I'm trying to find the solution . But I would say , when you really reflect and when you spend time with who you are as a person , it really helps you make those decisions . And so an action for this section would be is make a list of three peoples whose opinions truly matter to you . Keep that list small , don't add 10 , just do three and , when in doubt , return to this list , because it's not the noise of the world that opinions matter . It's maybe the three people in your life , and don't forget to put yourself on that list . And the last thing is how to stay grounded in who you are Now

Staying Grounded in Your Values

Speaker 1 27:46

.

Speaker 1 27:46

We've covered so many amazing things so far , but I really want to talk about how integrity and confidence aren't just things that you have or don't have . They're habits . We have to choose every day to have integrity , to choose every day that we're going to work on a skill or be confident in ourselves , and every day is not perfect . You know , I was talking to my mom the other day and I was a little frustrated about a situation , and she said all I hear every time you talk about this situation is that your confidence is really low . And it was just like a dagger because I was like you are so right , I have confidence in so many areas , but this one I'm really struggling with , and it was because I was getting questioned about integrity and I don't do that . I don't do that . Well , I am very , very true to who I am as a person and I think it's important for us to do that . But it's also important for us to filter through the noise as well .

Speaker 1 28:42

So the first thing that you can do to really help you stay grounded is what is your core values ? What is your purpose statement ? It's something that maybe it's even maybe an integrity statement of I lead with courage , not fear . I choose honesty , even when it's hard . My opinion matters more . Or maybe , if you're faith-based , maybe it's about your faith and you do morning self-checks with yourself Before you start your day . Ask yourself what is one thing I can do to align to who I truly am today . It's also anchoring in your values . Do you even know what your core values are ? And if you don't figure out what your top three are and you can check out ? Lead Within we have a whole series on how to figure out what your core values are and how to align them to your life and then be surrounded by good people and remember why you have those relationships .

Speaker 1 29:37

Because in the world of noise , we sometimes feel like we have to have relationships with all these different types of people . Sometimes it's okay to go back to our circle and be like these are the people that are supporting me , that are helping me grow , and that's so important and all of these things are really important . All of this whole episode is about staying true to yourself , how to be in , keeping integrity , but also how to filter through the overwhelming noise that is out in this world and as you grow as a person , sometimes it can get louder , sometimes it can get quieter , but at the same time it's all a learning curve and all through the evolution of who we are . The same time , it's all a learning curve and all through the evolution of who we are , and so the action that I would say for this one is write down your personal statement of how you are going to stay true to who you are and then place it somewhere that you can see every day . So I'm leaving you with four takeaways today four , four things that you can walk away from today , because , as much as I want you to be able to know that you need to stay true to yourself , I also want to give you tools , because , for me , I'm usually like in the problem solution area where I'm like okay , this is my problem , this is what I'm struggling with , how am I going to have this solution ?

Speaker 1 30:48

And sometimes it just means that I have to reflect for a little bit . Sometimes that means I need to look at my core values . Sometimes that means that I need to re-reflect on what truly matters and asking myself will this matter in five years ? Will this matter in 10 years ? Will this matter in a week ? Right , and so it's not about being perfect .

Speaker 1 31:08

Saying true to yourself is not about being perfect . It's about being intentional , it's about

Your Voice Matters: Final Thoughts

Speaker 1 31:13

knowing your worth and it's not determined by other people's opinions , and your value should not be defined by comparison . If it was , I think a lot more of us would be struggling . So if you take one thing away from today . One thing in closing I want you to think about this this is something that I actually just shared with someone the other day is that your voice matters , your truth matters , and what you bring to this world , what you bring to your community , what you bring to your friends and family matters Not the version of yourself that is shaped by fear , but by real feelings , being bold to who you are , being confident in who you are .

Speaker 1 31:53

And my core value is freedom , and when I think about it , it's being free to be who you are . And when I'm surrounded by my friends and my family or coworkers who are really true to who they are , I love seeing them light up . What's really hard for me is when I feel like they have heard all the opinions of other people and their confidence is just shattered . You can picture them their shoulders are a little bit down , their heads a little bit down . They're looking for validation , but when they're true to who they are as a person , they light up like no other , and what I want for all of you guys leaving today is to know that you matter , and people always have an opinion about something , but it's about filtering through that . It's about having the tools to help you filter through that , which I hope you .

Speaker 1 32:42

I , you guys took away a lot of tools from today as well , and so there's some action that you can take . Those are the . I had four takeaways for you guys . I'll put those again in the show notes , and please know that the Lead Within platform is here to support you on all of these things . We have a whole section on Downworld Spiral , on core values and a variety of other things as well , as I'm here to support you . One thing I see a lot with the clients that I work with is how their confidence sometimes goes down or people's opinions overshadow who they truly are , and we can get into a negative Downworld Spiral pretty quickly . And so let me know how I can support you , and if you love today's topic and today's journey , please subscribe to our YouTube channel , check us out on any podcasts and let me know what you think of today's episode . So , as I say on every podcast , continue to spread love and kindness to everybody that you meet and have a great day .

Speaker 1 33:38

Thank you for joining me on this episode of the Confident Podcast . If today's episode resonated with you , head over to leadconfidentlyorg for today's show notes , along with discounts to our services . Don't forget to hit the subscribe button , leave a review and follow us on Instagram and YouTube at the Confident Podcast . Your feedback means the world to me and it helps more people discover the show . And hey , if you're feeling inspired to dive deeper , let's connect . You can find me on Instagram at Lisa Tarkington Official . Drop me a message and let's explore how I can support your journey to confidence and leadership . Remember you have the power to choose confidence every single day . Keep showing up , keep striving and keep believing in your potential . I'm cheering you on and I'll see you next time .