Owning The Damage: Mental Illness, Faith, And Making It Right

Sometimes the relapse is sudden and loud—the kind of week where anxiety returns out of nowhere and dysphoric mania lights every fuse. I share the mess honestly: the regret of words that cut, the weight of hurting someone I love, and the hard road to repair that doesn’t hide behind “it wasn’t me.” If you’ve ever lashed out while unwell—or been cut by someone who was—this conversation lays out a practical, compassionate path through responsibility, forgiveness, and rebuilding safety.

We start with ownership without defensiveness, because trust can’t grow on excuses. Then we map a four-part apology you can actually use: acknowledge the impact, take responsibility, present concrete changes, and invite boundaries the other person controls. From scheduling a med review to journaling before reacting, from time-outs to quieter rooms, we focus on actions that lower threat and prove you’re serious. We talk about asking for forgiveness as a request, not a demand—never weaponizing faith—and why patience in the waiting shapes you into a safer person.

Repair doesn’t come from grand gestures but from steady rhythms. I walk through short-term and long-term practices that rebuild predictability: calm tone, no sarcasm, no swearing, fewer hot-button topics, better sleep, and simple check-ins. Consistency over intensity becomes the rule. And for the ones carrying pain without an apology, we explore the brave work of forgiving those who “do not know what they do,” while holding firm lines around safety and seeking help from counselors, psychologists, and pastors when needed.

Underneath it all is a clear framework: mental illness can distort perception, but it does not erase responsibility. That truth doesn’t shame; it guides. If your goal is real reconciliation—with others, with yourself, and with God—these steps create space for healing without denying the storm you’re walking through. Listen, reflect, and then tell us: which step will you practice this week? Subscribe, share this episode with a friend who needs it, and leave a review to help more people find hope in the hard places.

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Transcript

Vulnerability And Sudden Relapse

Dave Quak 0:00

Welcome to Sunburn's Souls. On this show we speak about life and faith in our mental well-being. I'm Dave Quack, I'm your host, and for the last six weeks before today, we'd had a series going where my wife Jess and I had been talking about biblical heroes and leaders in the Bible and how they walked with their mental well-being. Jess is off the hook now, so she's finished helping me for at least a little while. And today I'm here to speak to you, but I'm still feeling quite vulnerable because I'm coming from a place where my mental well-being or my mental illness over the last few weeks has been not good at all. It was super frustrating actually. So I'd been free from anxiety for quite a long time, man, many months. And then about three weeks ago, I just woke up anxious out of nowhere. So my stomach had a knot in it, and my adrenaline was running, and I wanted to hide from the world. One of the days I did actually spend under the blankets, like hiding from the world, and I haven't had that happen in years. And so out of nowhere, the anxiety's gone, and then all of a sudden the anxiety was back, and it frustrated me and it broke me and it made me sad and it made me feel despair and I wanted to run away. And to add insult to injury, it kicked me into a manic state with my bipolar, and not just your usual elated manic state, but every now and then I'll get manic. But instead of it being euphoric like usual, it'll be dysphoric, which happens now and then. And dysphoric mania is when you have the same kind of like energy and adrenaline as when you get usual euphoric mania, but instead of it being for good things, it's horrible. It is painful. You have this like persistent, you know, elevated, irritated mood and just this like intense agitation, like anger like you've never felt before, and this inner restlessness, and then my emotions become volatile, so like I'll be up and down even worse than usual. I'll have a low frustration tolerance, and mate, it was the worst. I'll just be honest, it's the worst. Being in this manic state's the worst um dysphoric manic state I've ever had. And so as a byproduct, you end up unleashing this inner rage and anger or irrit irritability or hopelessness and you know criticism of others at other people. And this week I really hurt someone I really love, and I hate mental illness for that. I can't blame my mania 100%, but it definitely contributes pretty consistently to me hurting people I love, and I'm so tired of it. And when you try to then undo it and try to make amends, you feel foolish and like powerless because the words have come out of your mouth, and to the other person it looks like you speaking to them, right? It's like your words coming out of your mouth, they're like seeing your face, they're seeing your bodily expressions, they're reading your body language, and everything that comes out is venom and hate and criticism and harshness. And I gotta be honest, I'm in that bewildered state after destroying someone I love and being repaired. And to be honest, it feels like crap, and I'd swear way more if this didn't go to so many Christian radio stations, but it feels horrible. And you know, today I didn't want to do this podcast because last night I spent maybe two and a half hours crying, and I don't cry. I've got some inner pain that's coming out, like I don't cry, and if I do it's like for a minute or two over something maybe a few times a year, but last night I was just messed up, and so out of this place, out of this darkness, I've got to somehow, and this is for my benefit as well as it is for hopefully some people listening, I've got to try to figure out how to be reconciled to people who are hurt when we lash out from a place of our mental illness or our mental ill health. You know, if our mental well-being is not going well and we lash out and hurt other people's, how do we get risk restoration, not just with them, but with ourselves and with God as well? And so that's today's topic. So if you were hoping to talk about how cool it is that the cricket exists or all these other light on topics, not today. We're gonna get deep and it's probably gonna be a bit nasty. So let's continue. So if you've ever hurt someone and you want reconciliation and it has been tied up with your mental well-being, the first step, number one, is ownership without defensiveness. Okay, you've got to own it without defensiveness. Now let me explain before you get discouraged straight away. So it's not that you go up and say, hey, I wasn't myself, and it's not that you go up and say, Hey, that was my anxiety speaking, but you own it and say, I was volatile, I hurt you, I'm sorry. You know, you've got to own the fact that it still is you, even though it's influenced by your mental ill health. Now, hopefully the other person understands that you are walking with mental ill health, and so those pressures and those complications add to your actions, but ownership without defensiveness is so necessary because not only have I spoke to a lot of people with mental ill health who are struggling to apologize, I've also spoken to more people who are the ones that need the apology. And for someone to accept an apology, they really do need the other person to own it. So even though it's hard, start there, start owning it. I know for myself, there are times where I don't know when it's me speaking, where it it's my paranoia speaking, where it might be delusion speaking. And it's it's complicated, it sucks. But but you look at the other person and they're even more complicated, you know, they're experiencing more complication and frustration than you are, because they're not in your head, so they don't even have a glimpse, they're just seeing you lash out. And so the first stab is ownership without defensiveness. Yes, it was you. Okay? Now that's not the end. You're not just putting yourself out there and uh leaving yourself high and dry if you're apologizing. There's more. There's more. So step two is a proper apology. You know, a proper apology. Acknowledge the impact. You know, say something like, Look, I I get it, that would have been scary when I did that, or I can understand you feeling unsafe, or I am so aware that that was humiliating for you. And then you take responsibility, you're like, okay, I don't have an excuse. I humiliated you, I hurt your feelings, I I I made you afraid, I need to own that. And not only do you say and acknowledge you need to own it, you present concrete changes. You know, you say, Okay, I'm gonna go get therapy, I'm gonna go and get my medication reviewed. You know, I'm going to journal when I feel triggered instead of lashing out at everyone else. Do you understand? So it's like you acknowledge the impact, take responsibility, but then present some changes that you're gonna do something. And it could be small, but it's small matters, even if it's journaling your feelings instead of lashing out, that matters. It matters to you as the person, but it matters to the person who's receiving, you know, the negative consequences of you lashing out of your mental well-being. So it matters. And then step four in the proper apology is to invite boundaries. You know, what do you need right now? It's okay if you say you need space. I need to go to my bedroom for 15 minutes, or I'm going for a walk. Boundaries put in place at a layer of safety. And even if it's like not actioned in the moment, it does something psychologically where it helps the person feel like you're gonna move forward. Okay. So the second thing was a po ap apology with those four parts. The third thing is asking for forgiveness. Now, this is a Christian podcast, and so forgiveness needs to be part of the process, and forgiveness can only be requested, it can't be demanded. You can't demand that someone forgives you. You can't say you need to forgive me because Christ forgave you. Look, all of that is their responsibility. But you ask, you ask for forgiveness without pressure, you don't rush it, don't weaponize faith. Don't ever say, you know, that if you're a good Christian, you would forgive me or any of that garbage. We don't go there. We don't weaponize faith, and we don't combine apology and forgiveness in one breath. They're different. Right? So when the timing's right, something like this okay, I know I hurt you, I've apologized, and I've, you know, I'm putting some real change into pace into place, but when you're ready, I'd like to ask if you're willing to forgive me and I understand if you're not there yet. And if they say I'm not ready, respond, I understand, I'll keep doing the work. Because forgiveness is a decision, you know, and then after that trust can be rebuilt. This is massive, and to be completely honest, this is the part of the process that I hate the most. Because when I hurt someone I love, and then have to come back and ask for forgiveness, it's almost like there's nothing else I can do in a sense, because I've got to just wait for them, and it's not about me, but I want them to be free. I wish I could just make it happen in their head or in their heart or however. But when you've hurt someone, you've just got to let them come to a place of forgiveness, and that's so sucky. And the worst part is I didn't grow up to be a man who required that other people needed to walk in forgiveness. That wasn't my goal in life, is that you know, people who brushed up against me would be hurt, so they'd need to forgive me. I don't want that. I wanted to be a man of integrity who didn't leave a trail of carnage behind and didn't leave a bunch of people that needed healing after my interactions with them. Like that wasn't the goal in life. And so, though it's hard to ask for forgiveness, it's also hard to be the one waiting for forgiveness because when you're genuinely sorry, it's a really difficult time having that relationship fracture if you're really sorry. Right? If you don't care, then you can easily ask and then just get about your day. But if you do care, I feel like there's a weight to this, and maybe I've not got the full revelation of how this works, maybe I've got more, you know, business to do with God, so I can understand that He's forgiven me, so when I ask for forgiveness off other people, then I can receive that as well. I don't know, I've got maybe some work to do. But if you've ever hurt somebody from a place of your mental illness, like your bipolar triggered like I got, or your anxiety act up, or whatever else it is, forgiveness is something you're gonna have to figure out how to ask for. And then step four in the process is rebuilding safety. You know, not rebuilding a relationship, but rebuilding safety. You know, reduce times of stimulation together. If it's someone who's in your proximity, maybe it's a family member or whatever, those first two, two to three days matter. You know, don't go there with volatile topics and don't push the envelope in areas that aren't necessary, you know, make sure you prioritize sleep and keep conversation conversation calm and short. You know, make sure you're on the same team. But after that, whether it's someone like in your home or someone in your faith community or wherever else, it's about long-term predictability. You know, if you've lashed out and they've felt like you're volatile, well then you need to present yourself honestly as someone who is measured, someone who is consistent, someone who is a safe person to be around. Don't raise your voice at them. You know, forget about sarcasm for a while. I know that's hard as Aussies, but forget about sarcasm. Let's get rid of swearing for a bit, because that puts people on edge. Let your rhythms be of benefit to the person who you've hurt. Make it about them. Make it about rebuilding them. It's not about you, it's about them. And then if you've done all that and there doesn't seem to be like a potential for relationship restoration, or at least at that point, then just have a bit of space. You know, give each other a bit of distance. Sometimes relationships don't bounce back quickly. And distance isn't a punishment, sometimes it's protection. You know, we can't demand closeness with people, especially if they're not ready. And we can't demand reassurance, we can't you know, all we can do is stay steady, remain calm, stable routines, no emotional spikes, consistency over intensity. In all of this, mental illness can distort perception, but it can't completely remove responsibility. I've been chewing on this concept ever since I've been diagnosed. Like, what's my responsibility? What is the bipolar speaking? You know, what what is the anxiety? Whatever. It's really hard. So I think that line is the conclusion or the working framework, at least I'm working with right now, that mental illness can distort perception, but it cannot fully remove responsibility. So we've covered how to apologize if you're the one who has hurt somebody else. But what if you've been hurt by somebody else, particularly in regards to their mental well being, and that person will not acknowledge what they've done, or they will not apologize, or they don't even have an awareness that they've hurt you, what do you do then? Well, I've got some good and hard news for you. There was a man named Jesus who was ridiculed and bashed and attacked and messed with in every possible way, and he's been arrested for a trial that was a mistrial essentially, and he's paying the capital punishment price of the day by being nailed to a cross and stood up in the heat of the day until he dies from suffocation on the cross. As he's there, looking around at all these people who are crucifying him and vying for his blood and competing for his clothing and just acting like animals, he says, Lord, forgive them, they do not know what they do. It's in Luke twenty-three if you want to check it out. Let's just sit on that for a sec. He says, Lord, forgive them for they don't know what they do. You might have people in your life that are hurting you and they don't know what they do. Now there'll be other people who do know what they're doing, but I'm not talking about them right now. There might be people you love right now who are hurting you and they do not know what they do. They might not be of sound mind. They might not be able to think through the you know implications of their decisions. They might be incapable of reconciling what they've done wrong. And if that's the case, here's the hard part. Maybe it's time to extend forgiveness for they do not know what they do. Now I'm not talking in the sense of your safety being in jeopardy or if you're abused or going through something that's just illegal or occultish or anything like that. I mean making a discretion call on things that you know you can get past and that the other person may never comprehend. Sometimes we're put in that situation. Sometimes we get it, but the other person never will. And we've got to make a call on how to deal with that. Now sometimes forgiveness without going through the process is impossible. I mean, I'm a massive fan of counsellors and psychologists and, you know, allied health people and practitioners and GPs and psychiatrists, all of it. I'm a fan of all of those industries because they've been put in place to help you. So don't ignore going to them, but can I just say that there's some things that you're carrying that someone else has done to you that you could be free from if you just forgive them because they do not know what they do. Do they deserve forgiveness? No. Will you ever get an apology? Maybe not. But there are some things that don't need processing, they need forgiveness. Now, I'll reiterate it again, I believe in counselors and psychologists and psychiatrists and GPs. I absolutely do. Do that first if you have to. But if something's just hanging over your life that could be broken with forgiveness, maybe think about extending that forgiveness, for they do not know what they do. Now, although I got an OP22, I'm not dumb enough to think that anything we spoke about in today's topic is going to be easy. We are in the realm of like pain and confusion and modelling Jesus and you saw how it ended for him, and all other things that are just not easy. And so though this be a short episode, I want to end by just encouraging you, in whatever you've picked up through this discussion, whether you agree or disagree, whether you want to put it into practice or not, do it under the loving, tender grip of Jesus. When we have to approach difficult things in life, and we we do, I mean, it's just part of life, Jesus promises to be our helper and our friend, and to be closer than the air we breathe. So do not do this alone. Do it knowing that God is with you and He'll comfort you and He'll show you the way, and when you feel a little bit scared, He'll want to reach out His hand. And that doesn't mean there won't be discomfort, but the God of all comfort will comfort you in that discomfort. It's in 2 Corinthians, check it out. So as we wind down, thanks for listening, and I'd like to pray for you as you move forward. So, Lord God, I need help, we need help. We pray that as we take steps to either extend forgiveness or ask forgiveness or think about forgiveness or just sit in this space, that will do so with your Holy Spirit super close to us, Lord God. Thank you that you don't leave us as orphans just to figure it out by ourselves, but you are with us, closer than the air we breathe, showing us the way and loving us all the way. So we rededicate our lives to you, asking that you will do more with us than we ever could. In Jesus' name, amen.