Good Friends, Strong Families: The Transformative Power of Daily One-on-One Time with Your Child

As parent coaches and parents ourselves, we have discovered a parenting game-changer, and we're thrilled to share it with you! It's the magic of investing 10 to 15 minutes of one-on-one time with your child each day and its incredible impact on your family's bond. Our latest episode of Good Friends, Strong Families isn't just about advice—it's a treasure trove of our own experiences and practical tips demonstrating how such simple moments can deeply enhance the relationship between parent and child. We chat about the effectiveness of using a timer and having a go-to list of activities, ensuring that every second spent is undiluted quality time. 

Our conversation delves into the details of making each child feel seen and valued, even within the whirlwind of daily life. We explore the profound effects of allowing your children to steer these interactions, selecting what they want to do, while you bring your entire presence and encouragement. We discuss strategies for managing these special times with multiple children and how to adapt as they grow without letting a busy schedule get in the way. Listen in for heartfelt stories and insights into how these dedicated minutes can foster a resilient family dynamic, affirm your child's sense of self-worth, and, ultimately, lay the foundation for a lifetime of strong connections.

Transcript

Angela: 0:09

Welcome to Good Friends, strong Families, the podcast where every episode equips you with a new skill, surrounds you with support and provides actionable steps you can immediately implement in your family life. I'm Angela and I'm joined by my co-host, Anna. In today's episode, we will delve into connecting with our kids one-on-one. This is a foundational skill that will help you show your child how loved and valued they are. We'll dissect the what, why and how, so that, by the end of today's episode, you'll be better equipped to raise resilient, connected families. Hello, anna, hello, okay, this is one of my favorite skills. I would say that when we are teaching our parenting classes, when we're doing our family's strengthening classes which, incidentally, are not just parents- it's parents and kids.

Anna: 0:57

Yeah.

Angela: 0:58

But when we're teaching this class, I think we spend more time trying to get people to understand how important this one skill is than any other skill.

Anna: 1:08

Yeah, because I, I mean, I've been there.

Angela: 1:13

Well, okay, well, think about this. So the idea here and I'm going to ask you to give us some examples and tell us a little bit more about the skill, but the the basic idea here is that you've got one parent parenting adult and one child and they have 10 to 15 minutes alone, just the two of them, and the goal is for the two of them to spend that one-on-one time as many days a week. All of you can get to it, but as many days a week as you possibly can, and I'll let you talk a little bit more about the rules and what those are and whatnot. But this particular one is foundational because if you, if you have this, this 10 to 15 minutes, it is a building block for all the other skills and it actually gives you a place for when other things are going wrong. So if you have, if you're challenged with some other things, some other parenting, or you know kids are going through stress or whatever that is, they always have this to fall back on.

Anna: 2:10

Yeah, and it's like a grounding, recentering thing for our kids to know that they are valued, that they are important, that they are worth our time. And, yeah, I think it it's one of the. I totally agree that it's one of those things that, like, I feel like we really spend the whole, not just the lesson where we introduce this, but we really kind of spend the rest of the weeks. Yes, and we're integrating the impact that this has and also clarifying what it is. So, really, it is like you said, one on one time.

Angela: 2:52

Yeah, can we do this entire thing as a family?

Anna: 2:54

No, and it should be like you said, quick activities. But the kid gets to choose.

Angela: 3:05

Which is it really makes for some interesting things.

Anna: 3:07

Yes, yes. So one of the one of the first struggles that we had was like what to do, and so we kind of spent our first one on one time activity like making a list, and saying like, okay, look, we don't have a lot of time, we don't want to spend eight minutes picking your activity.

Angela: 3:27

That's right.

Anna: 3:27

Like this is valuable time and we do often like, encourage the use of a timer, and I think that that is twofold. I think that it's important for the kid to know that, like, while this timer is going, I have mom, dad, grandma, whoever, whoever is taking care of me, all to myself. Yes, one-on-one, nobody else can interrupt, get rid of the phone. But as a parent, especially if you're new to implementing this, or you have four kids.

Anna: 3:54

Yes, you are like, okay, this cannot turn into 45 minutes, right, and so it really is helpful to have that timer and it really is helpful to have a list of things to go back to, like, hey, what are the things that you like to do with mom, or what are the things that you like to do with dad, or what are things that you want to do that you need a partner? Okay. So like, let's make that list. And so when I say, hey, it's your one-on-one time, what do you want to do? If you don't already have something on the top of your head, you can look at this list and make your decision, and I think that that's an important skill for our kids.

Angela: 4:29

Well, I can also tell you you're going to have it in 15 minutes. Like, hey, my time with you 15 minutes, that gives you 15 minutes to go figure out what you want us to do.

Anna: 4:37

Yes, and I think it's also another skill and added thing for our kids that they get to make decisions.

Angela: 4:45

Yes.

Anna: 4:45

That they have a say, that their opinions matter.

Angela: 4:49

Yes.

Anna: 4:50

Because we don't get to be like I don't feel like playing that game right now. Right, Suck it up.

Angela: 4:54

You're doing it. It's not about you, Listen this reminds me of how many times did I have to play horse outside with the basketball. I am not a basketball player, right? But it was not my choice, and so I just had to suck it up and do it. Yes, and it is only 15 minutes.

Anna: 5:13

Yes, so it's important to remember that the child gets to choose the activity. There really isn't a lot of guidelines, but that is definitely one of them and probably the first one to you know, establish in your mind. But it is okay to have some boundaries with that right.

Angela: 5:27

Right.

Anna: 5:27

So, like typically, the boundaries are like we can't. It doesn't involve like going somewhere, like I want to go get an IC or whatever, no money it shouldn't cost money. These should be simple things to show that, like it's, it doesn't cost anything other than your time.

Angela: 5:46

Yes.

Anna: 5:47

And so yeah, so definitely establish those parameters and those boundaries with your kid ahead of time so that they know what kind of activities will fit into that. And I also think that if you do make a list, like every year or two, you probably need to like revisit that list because your kid's interests and stuff will change. Yeah, the parent's job, so that's the kid's job. The kid gets to pick the activity. The parent's job is to focus their attention on their kid.

Anna: 6:19

how wonderful and amazing their kid is how blessed they are to spend this time with them.

Angela: 6:24

That's right.

Anna: 6:25

It is not time to go. Oh, by the way, I got an email from your teacher that your assignment was late, or? Oh, it's not a time to interrogate.

Angela: 6:36

No.

Anna: 6:36

It's a time to praise them. It's in time, it's time to encourage them. Their activity Could be you watching them play a video game. Fine, guess what you get to do? You get to cheer them on while they play that video game. That's exactly right, you get to tell them you get to use that time to build them up and encourage them and praise them and tell them how glad that you are to be there, yeah. Yeah, so it's yeah.

Angela: 7:01

Here's the thing about that, though, and I love this idea when you're kind of giving them that what a great person they are, or like you're noticing what they're doing and commenting on that you know like, oh, I see that you're passing that of their car on the video game. That's so strategic.

Angela: 7:17

How cool is that you know, like that kind of stuff. You don't have to know everything in order to know. And basically what you're saying to them is I'm seeing you, I see you. That's really all that they want, until you got to get rid of your phones. Can I tell you a secret about this? This is a really funny one, ok, so I told you, we've been 18-year-old and we've been doing this with him for most of his life and we call it in our classes, we call it my time. When he is asking me for it, it's Lucio Mom time. And he's 18 years old and he still asks me for that time. And he'll say Lucio Mom. And he knows I can't say no, no, I can't. And it doesn't mean there weren't some parameters, like when he was younger he'd ask me at 9 o'clock when it was bedtime Lucio Mom time. No, son, you need to ask me by 7. So we can put something like that. But he knows that that's going to get him what he needs. And here's the thing that 15 minutes satisfies.

Anna: 8:16

Yeah, oh my gosh yeah.

Angela: 8:18

And they think so. Our kids are like I know I'm going to get that time. So parents, when we've taught this in class, have sometimes said it's not enough, like I need to give a lot more. Start there.

Anna: 8:30

Yeah.

Angela: 8:31

And that is enough. It is good.

Anna: 8:33

Yeah, it doesn't mean that you'll never have longer periods of one-on-one time Right, or you won't want to move you together the whole point is to make it doable, Because for me even 10 minutes did not sound doable.

Angela: 8:47

Right, like you remember right.

Anna: 8:49

I was pregnant with my fourth.

Angela: 8:51

Like do I use this as an example a lot.

Anna: 8:53

And yeah, you tell it because I feel like you do it Well.

Angela: 8:56

so then, you had asked we were doing the class and you were attending the class.

Anna: 9:01

Yes, this was years ago, so I was attending and remember I am a stay-at-home mom and I was already outnumbered. I had three kids who were I don't remember how they were.

Angela: 9:15

Little.

Anna: 9:16

Yeah, preschoolers, whatever. And I was pregnant with fourth and they introduced this concept to me and I was like, overwhelmed, this is not fair.

Angela: 9:26

Okay, but I will say I did say something to you, and I use this as an example because I say I Said something to Anna as my friend, that I normally don't say to other people right, but she can y'all use it as example.

Angela: 9:42

But basically what I said is that you have four kids does not negate their need for you. Yeah, and that's really important. But let me just give a couple of ideas to folks who might be listening saying that's 40 minutes, I don't have an extra 40 minutes in my schedule. This is what I tell people. If you have a partner at home, you do have. They do have. Yeah.

Angela: 10:01

If you have other people that love and care about your kids, teach them to do it grandparents, aunts, uncles, older, older siblings. If you have much older siblings we had that our older siblings would do it for us if I couldn't be there. I've done it online, yeah, I've done it over the phone, where, if I'm traveling and then they would call and I, we would like read a book together. Or now, over zoom, we do like origami together. Or and now I'm actually even doing it with my niece, yeah, so it is important and it doesn't matter. Yeah, we're overwhelmed. So then you don't do it every kid every day, right, do two kids today, two kids tomorrow. Two kids and XA, two kids, right, right, come up with a way. Do some in the morning. Oh, okay, gets up early for school.

Anna: 10:43

The other kids aren't up.

Angela: 10:44

There's 10 minutes, right, yeah?

Anna: 10:45

and I think that that was something that really helped me also is because then I was able to think like I, I Would kind of like I would feel overwhelmed, and then I would feel guilty for feeling overwhelmed so I couldn't possibly delegate, and then it was like, oh wait, like other people love my kids and other people can spend time. They have a father, they have, you know, grandparents that we saw regularly and they could spend one-on-one time with them, and so that really helped Make it feel more doable. But also it was very sobering because you were like, yeah, well, they're still your kid.

Anna: 11:22

Yeah and so they need you and they need your time. Yeah, and I. It's funny because I remember when you were talking about how, like just that 10 minutes can really satisfy. I remember Feeling like, oh my gosh, my kids are like always grabbing at me, you know, especially when they're younger.

Angela: 11:39

Yes, and.

Anna: 11:40

And, and you know, I'm like doing the dishes, or I'm doing this, or I've got to start dinner, or I've got a whatever, and you know, always thinking about all the things that you have to do, and I remember lightbulb moment, like just stopping what I was doing, getting down on their level, looking at their face and like just Acknowledging them yeah, sometimes, whatever they needed or wanted, just the fact that I wasn't like brushing them off.

Anna: 12:07

And so this is like that multiplied, like right, it it really just feeds their soul and I feel like it also helps us as parents to like Just to get to know them and to see them like you're saying, like you get to, you get insights to their personalities, to their Skills, to their interests that you maybe wouldn't get otherwise.

Angela: 12:30

I had a grandma one time in our class and she was raising her grandson and he was. He was a little and this works on teenagers, this works on middle schoolers. We should be extra intentional about him and talk about what that looks like. But this grandma had a little. I think he was probably five or six and he did was constantly pulling on her. And one day During class she said to me why are you asking me to give him more time? I am constantly trying to remove time from him. And I said to her will you do me a favor, will you try it? And then all of the other times that he's like he would like pull on her dress right grandma, grandma.

Angela: 13:08

Every other time that he comes and does that, look at him and say, oh my gosh, hold on to that. We'll talk about it at my time. Hmm, she said it was a miracle when she tried it. She said it turned him around. Yeah, so he looked forward to that and I wanted to say to the timer is such a good idea and always, especially when they're little, express Maybe not sadness, but like disappointment that the time is up.

Angela: 13:35

Oh yeah yeah, the time is up, darn it. Okay, you know what? I cannot wait till we do this again tomorrow. Yeah and so that right there puts you on their page absolutely, absolutely, and I think I definitely also want to.

Anna: 13:54

I feel like we've kind of touched on this, but I think the like, the why behind this right it's really important to understand the impact that this is having on our kids. It is actually triggering feel-good brain chemicals and it actually can help alleviate sibling rivalry, because it's good, if they want their time respected with mom or dad, then they also need to respect their siblings time.

Anna: 14:22

That's right, but also, they realize and recognize that they themselves. Yes, our family is important. Yes, we've talked about how important it is to spend time as a family, but they themselves, as a person, as an individual, are important. They are worthy of our time. They are worthy of our attention in positive ways, right, not just when they get in trouble or not just when they need to be corrected.

Angela: 14:47

Which we're constantly pointing out.

Anna: 14:49

Yeah, yeah, so I think that that's just. It really does encourage outside of my time. It encourages also positive behavior.

Angela: 14:59

I want to give just a few examples to folks, because we said these are like things that they can choose, and so you can absolutely make a list with them. Just don't especially when it comes to teenagers, don't give up on this idea. Yeah, because if we say, well, they don't want to do it with me, so then you can. With a teenager, it's a little bit different. You're like siding up to them more like a friend, and you can actually be explicit with them. Listen, I heard this podcast and they were talking about this concept called my Time, and they said that it would help us to bond together as a family. And I want to get to know you a little bit better, right? And so I'm going to ask you if you'll do this and these are the rules, and so you get to choose. And they'll say, oh, I don't want to do that, blah, blah, blah, and then you just persist.

Anna: 15:47

Yeah, and I think, just as teenagers might be like, oh, I don't really want to do this, we have to be willing to do things that they might want to do, that we aren't in love with.

Angela: 16:01

Yes, that's right, that's right.

Anna: 16:03

And so I spent one summer watching every movie, show, show, anything related to Star Wars, because that's what my kid was into, wow, and. But it really led to great conversation. Yeah, because I was familiar with the first three episodes, which were really episodes four, five and six, but anyways, and so it really allowed me to, like, ask questions and let them teach me something and let them be the expert about something, and just hear their perspective and hear why they like this character. That's cool or like oh, who's your favorite?

Anna: 16:44

character in this series or who's your favorite, whatever. That's cool and it prompted conversation and it didn't matter that I enjoyed my time, yeah, but it didn't really matter that I could care less one way or another about Star Wars. I care about them, yes, and that's what you are reiterating every time you do my time, or one-on-one time. Every single time, you are telling them how important they are, how important they are, how like they're. They're just. It builds their self esteem. You matter to me, you're seen, you're seen by me.

Angela: 17:19

That's so good. Well, friends, if this is something you know, we'll and we'll continue to have this conversation over and over and over again, because this one-on-one time is foundational and we talk about connection and we talk about bonding with one another. This is one of the key ways that we do it. I think we actually did an episode on what it means to bond Really like connect with one another and we talked about how to bond as a family. But you'll never bond fully as a family if you're not bonded as individuals. Yeah, that's really important to our bonding is people have to know that they individually matter to one another and that actually will make them better bonders so they'll be able to connect with others. But as we wrap up today, just a few essential points that we want to remind you of.

Angela: 18:09

One-on-one time is just one child and one parenting adult. The child chooses the activity. Our job as parenting adults is to not begrudge it, to enjoy that time with them, give positive encouragement, feedback. You want to schedule, if you can, be spontaneous, if you can, whatever you need to do to get it done. I actually will sometimes put it on my calendar, so I remember that I'm going to get it done that day. So that's a nice way of doing it, but also life changes, so you want to be a little flexible with that and don't hurt yourself. You know, if you're like me, I travel for work.

Angela: 18:42

Yeah, don't feel badly, just find other ways so you don't have to feel guilty. We're not being on guilt around here. Don't feel guilty. Find other ways and don't give it up as they get older. If you've never done this and you're listening and you've got a 15-year-old, it is not too late. Absolutely, absolutely. So thank you and thanks for talking about this. This was really fun. So if you enjoyed today's episode, please leave us a five-star review and share this with a friend. We'd also love to hear your thoughts on today's topic, and you can join the conversation on our Instagram. Thanks everyone, bye, bye.