Balancing Vigilance and Independence: Nurturing Trust as Kids Grow

Have you ever wondered how to strike the perfect balance between keeping a protective eye on your kids and respecting their growing need for independence? Angela and Anna tackle this challenge head-on, sharing our personal journey through the stages of childhood to the brink of adulthood. We're peeling back the layers of what it means to monitor our children's physical and emotional landscapes, illustrating that this vigilance stems from a deep well of love and dedication. Discover how, as parents and family coaches, we've adapted our approaches from the simplicity of baby monitors to the intricate dance of engaging with teens in a tech-saturated world, all while navigating the delicate issue of privacy.
 
 Join us as we emphasize the cornerstone of an effective monitoring strategy: a strong, trusting relationship with our kids. We're not just talking about keeping tabs on their whereabouts; we're discussing how to empower them to trust their instincts, make smart choices in social situations, and use social media responsibly. Anna and Angela reveal the importance of regular emotional check-ins and how open communication can fortify the parent-child bond. Step into our world as we share insights on guiding our children to independence with a reassuring presence, ensuring they know we're their steadfast allies every step of the way.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:09

Hello and welcome to Good Friend. Strong Families, the podcast where every episode equips you with a new skill, surrounds you with support and provides actionable steps you can immediately implement in your family life. I am Angela and I'm joined by my co-host, anna. Hello, anna, hello.

Speaker 1: 0:28

Today we're diving into an absolutely vital topic. This is one that really hits close to home for me Monitoring our kids and teens. Monitoring this is a good one. We talk about this a lot, both monitoring both physically, but also monitoring emotionally, where they are emotionally, it's a good one. Understanding how to do this is really a foundational skill. As family coaches, we work on this all the time with families. We are going to help you, folks, as we're going through today, to come up with some really good skills. How can you do it? We're going to talk about why it's important. This really does for us. This skill showcases how much we really love and value our children, because some of this is time, some of this is effort. Friends, we're going to help you to have a solid grasp on the what, the why and the how.

Speaker 2: 1:19

Yeah, monitoring, depending on how you're raised, maybe bring up some feelings.

Speaker 1: 1:30

And the word monitoring feels very punitive.

Speaker 2: 1:33

It's funny because I was like. Nobody bats an eye with a baby monitor. Why do we monitor our babies Right, Right, keep them safe.

Speaker 1: 1:42

We miss them.

Speaker 2: 1:44

We want to make sure they're okay, we want to be ready for their needs, right, you think about that and then you try to expand upon that. As they get older, their needs change, their abilities change, and so, really, if we could go back to when they were still in the crib and keep them there forever, no, and we could what's the word? But keep them monitoring. But it's going to change, it's going to evolve. Yeah, and what kind of happens is maybe we don't have a good foundation of, like how that changes.

Speaker 1: 2:23

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 2:23

And then they get to a certain age and we're like, oh my gosh, we don't know what's going on in their life. We need to monitor them, we need to know what's going on, we need to know where they're going and who their friends are, what they're doing. We need to know all these things. And then we like lay down the hammer and they're like what's going on? You've been doing this all these years, and so I think that, wherever you're at on that spectrum, we can give you some tools to either lay that strong foundation and remind you that it's going to change, like this relationship is always evolving, your kid is always evolving, their needs are changing, their abilities are changing, and so we can carry you through there. But then, if you're at that point, we're like crap, we weren't really monitoring. And now we're kind of thinking like, oh, maybe we should have had some things implemented and some safety things put in place, and now we need to introduce those. We can cover that too.

Speaker 1: 3:25

That's a really good point I was thinking about, even as we're talking about monitoring. Some of this is us watching, knowing where they are, who they're with blah blah blah, checking in on that. But a lot of this, too, is monitoring their emotional state.

Speaker 2: 3:39

Yeah, and we need to monitor our kids, like they may not leave our house, but they have access beyond our walls.

Speaker 1: 3:48

That's really good.

Speaker 2: 3:49

So they could be playing online video games, they could be watching YouTube, they could be on social media, like they have access to the world Through many devices, right? So that's another thing that needs to be monitored and, again, like, wherever you're at, maybe your kids getting their first device or their first YouTube account or whatever, right? And you, you want to establish those kind of things and and I think the the negative side is, like we often think like, are we invading their privacy? Because maybe we felt like our privacy was invaded and really it's like no, we want to show them that we love them, we care about them and we want to ensure their safety, like said, well, they're their physical safety, but also their emotional safety, and that's something that I Mean. They're, they're getting things thrown at them in a variety of ways.

Speaker 1: 4:42

You know, one of the things that and you and I have talked about in the past and I wanted to look up these numbers because they're really important but just didn't in the last couple of years there was just we study over time, kids mental health, kids depression. One of the things that came up in and you'll see this in the news Just this year We've been talking a lot about it is that 41% of our daughters report feeling sad or hopeless. 41% of our girls, 29% of our boys, but 41% of our girls they they actually say they feel sad and hopeless Some of the time we're talking three out of five kids here.

Speaker 1: 5:24

Yeah three or five kids, and so one of the things more talking girls, one of the things that's really important for us to think about is you know we may we're gonna get pushed back from our kids and I don't know that. If I could, I don't know that I could say this anymore strongly. Nobody else is looking out the way we're looking out for the mental health of our kids and they're worth it. They're totally worth it, and that doesn't make it easy. So what you're implying is this is not easy.

Speaker 1: 5:50

No and it's not easy.

Speaker 2: 5:52

No, we're gonna tell you, like we're gonna break down, what it means to monitor and it, and we can with these words. It can sound really, really simple, but there was a famous person not a famous person, a very wise person. She was maybe 11 at the time my oldest daughter and my son was trying to get her to to help him with a video game and he was like, come on, just do it, it's so simple. And she said I literally I will never forget this. She goes I know it's simple, but it doesn't mean it's easy.

Speaker 1: 6:26

Mmm, that's really good.

Speaker 2: 6:27

So I'm gonna give you the simple. I Can't promise you the easy, but I can give you the simple. What does it mean to actually monitor? What does that mean? Well, we want to be in the know. Yeah, we want to know where they're at, who they're with, what they're doing. When will they be back? Right, and we want to make sure that we're asking are you gonna be around drugs and alcohol? Right, and we've hopefully already established with them that that is an expectation that we have, that they won't be right, right, and so that you can apply that, obviously that's when we're how, that's down to physical, but Monitoring online. What are you looking at? What are you watching? Right? How does that make you feel?

Speaker 1: 7:10

Yeah, yeah, and I think this is something you know. A lot of times the end we've all gotten caught in this because, I think, mainly because the whole idea of online is it's though it's not new to our kids. It's newer to those of us raising kids that our kids are sometimes victimized online. We think, oh well, they're just on whatever name your favorite app with their friends. And that's not true, because the things that our kids see online are Intended for them to see online. I remember one time one of our kids Got clicked on a link I can't remember, I don't want to name the toy, but there was a toy ad on there and they clicked on the add to a odd ad for the toy online and it brought them to a porn site. And Once they hit that, then the porn site started all popping up. And so I think he was probably you're 10, 11, something like that, and the.

Speaker 1: 8:17

The problem was that we didn't expect that fast enough Because of his age. We that particular block we didn't put on there because we it didn't even occur to us. We had other blocks, other, but not that one. It didn't even occur to us. Why would we? Why would pornography come up and and one of the things that we had to explain when we did go back. Oh God, it was awful. He was just horrified and and sad and felt shame. And you know, one of the things we had to explain to him and and the reason that we went so far in Making sure that we were now really paying attention to what he was doing, was because there are people who are trying to victimize our kids Right, there are and not to say you know what.

Speaker 1: 9:07

This is a balance for every single parent. Yeah, it is a balance. How do we make sure our kids are physically safe but also don't feel so much fear all the time that they can't maneuver in the world? How do we make sure they're emotionally safe but also that they do experience some of the things that will help them to grow? It's like if we always keep them away from dirt, right, they're never gonna be able to build immunity.

Speaker 1: 9:29

That's not to say that we expose them to really awful things, but what it is to say is that we can't put them in a bubble, right, and so we have to figure out what are some really good ways to do it, and that's part of monitoring Emotional and physical, and that is you know. Sometimes we get pushed back on this where families will say, well, I don't want to, I don't want to make them feel stifled or that we don't trust them. And we always use the term Trust. But monitor, right, they're not developed, they're. They're full brain function. Their decision-making is not fully developed into their until into their mid 20s. What does that mean? Well, that they need us.

Speaker 1: 10:05

Yeah they need us to help make some of those decisions.

Speaker 2: 10:09

They're absolutely right, I think I think it's it's it's not about being nosy. I think I remember I had a really good friend growing up and I mean, my parents didn't know all of these monitoring techniques but they would ask some questions and I would probably have said that they were too nosy. But anyways, as I think most people again feel that way, right. But I had a friend and her parents were probably the opposite and as I matured and saw how we each grew up and over the years I was able to look back and identify that my parents' interest, no matter how overbearing it may have felt at times, I knew it was because they cared about it, that's right.

Speaker 2: 11:04

And he sometimes questioned that because it was like well, my parents don't care. Like you know what I mean.

Speaker 1: 11:10

That's really that's important.

Speaker 2: 11:12

And so I think that if we can remind ourselves the why, and then we can. We can, we need to be aware, but we don't want to be so driven by fear that we let fear be our driving force instead of the care and concern and love for our children. It would be the thing that is pushing us through that hard, simple but not easy part of this job?

Speaker 1: 11:37

Yeah that's right, that's right, that's right.

Speaker 2: 11:40

So it may get uncomfortable, it may get uncomfortable, and there are things.

Speaker 1: 11:44

There are going to be things that we're going to have to tell our kids they can't do, or places they can't go, or you know, and sometimes we may have to go and follow up to make sure they are where they say they would be. Right, you know. And with our younger kids, when our kids are younger, we think, okay, well, you know, as long as we're making sure that there were times where I remember one time in particular that I had purchased a class online I don't remember what site it was, but this summer class and then one of our kids our kids always did like parks and rec, summer stuff, but this particular one was one online and when I, when I went to go, it was an all day camp and I think it was like some kind of art camp, was like three days that week, school week or something. And when I went to drop them off, I had already checked in with them about do you do background checks, whatever? And they assured me they did blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1: 12:39

But then, as I got there, did you know that pit, yeah, stomach thing? And I went, mmm, and so I actually had to read, adjust some things. I actually stayed in the area just across the street, I said I'm going to be right here, I'll be at the coffee shop right there, and then I just you sit there and you work instead of you know. And so there are things, when they're younger, that you're doing consistently to make sure that they're safe, but somehow, as they get older, we start to take their word for it.

Speaker 2: 13:08

Right, yeah, and I love that you brought up that like gut feeling that you're doing, and that's something that I have tried to talk about with my kids, not just about like when I have it, but for them to recognize it in themselves.

Speaker 1: 13:25

Yeah, that's good.

Speaker 2: 13:27

And so I had gosh. We've actually had a few situations and at the when it was all said and done, nothing was clear that somebody was a threat or it was an unsafe situation. But I said you know what, I don't care if there was nothing wrong. You felt that there was and you listened to it.

Speaker 1: 13:46

That's right.

Speaker 2: 13:47

And so so what?

Speaker 1: 13:48

That's right.

Speaker 2: 13:49

I would rather you listen to that and walk away or call us or whatnot. And it's just laughing because we're literally just talking about this my oldest, who is legally an adult, but, as we have talked about and we will probably talk about many more times on this podcast, their brains are not fully developed and so we still have these kind of check-ins, you know. And so she was going somewhere and she was going with a friend, but then people she didn't know were also going to be there, and so I just kind of said like, okay, like so what you know? What do you need to be aware of? But you know, and so we talked about that kind of stuff, like, okay, don't, don't take a drink from anybody. You know what if somebody offers to drink whatever, blah, blah, blah. Don't drink that, don't take all that kind of stuff. And then I said, okay, so like, like what if you just don't feel comfortable, like you don't know these people? What if you're just not picking?

Speaker 2: 14:43

up on the vibe right, like what do you do? And she was like well, I call you. And I was like I mean you can, but you also can get in your car and just drive away.

Speaker 1: 14:55

That's funny.

Speaker 2: 14:57

But it just goes to show that, like, like you said, they still need us. Yeah, they still need us, and it's different. It's a different need, yes, and it's a different way of monitoring. It's a different way of checking in and the way that I've always explained it to my kids, especially now that three of them are driving oh my God, I'm like look, I'm like look, I don't walk out this house without telling you where I'm going.

Speaker 2: 15:17

That's right, I don't walk out this house without telling your dad where I'm going, and so I expect the same thing from you. And if, if and when you grow up, and if you have a roommate, I would hope that these things that we do as a family you would take with you, because it will. It will be in your, for your benefit. Right? There's nothing about that would be negative. I mean, like there's a scissor.

Speaker 1: 15:39

Hey, go to the store.

Speaker 2: 15:40

Yeah, like hey, I'm going to the store. I should be back within an hour. I'm going to the store Like that's not hard, you're not, nobody's controlling you. You know what I mean. Like that is a good communication. That isn't what we're doing exactly. We're communicating and I think, in this day and age, like gosh, like you just can't go wrong with implementing those kinds of skills and strategies and just making them part of your day and part of your routine.

Speaker 1: 16:03

Well, and also the earlier we do this, the more we're checking in. I mean the thinking about that emotional check in. What a great time to do that when you're doing your my time, that one on one, you know, if you we get one of the skills that we teach is one on one time, and this is true for our teens too, but also our little love, yeah, but then our teens also, where it's one kid, one parent, 15 minutes a day doing something that the kid wants to do and or the team wants to do, and then that's a good opportunity, for it's not us grilling them, we're not, you know, that's not what that's for, but what that. What that does is, if you're doing that consistently, it's building a foundation right so that you always have the power of open conversations.

Speaker 2: 16:47

Right, and, like you know, like my oldest is working nearly full time going to call. You know, college just started up again and so I don't see her as much as I used to, right. But I still try to have those little like checkings. Like gosh, I haven't seen you much Like how's everything going, how's work, like how's this going, and just like opening those doors and checking to them and like how are you feeling? Are you feeling overwhelmed? Are you handling like your new schedule? Are you getting into a routine? You know how are you feeling. And then, like I think, like you mentioned, especially with, like the teens and especially like the girls, we know that again, like social media, like all these things are weighing on them, and so I think sometimes like open the conversation and say, like gosh, like I noticed, like as I was scrolling, like I felt this way and like I don't really know why, but like, do you ever like how do you feel? Like when you get off of social media? Do you feel better?

Speaker 1: 17:37

or worse. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2: 17:39

Like I just asked, and be honest about how, how, like those things impact you too.

Speaker 1: 17:43

Yes.

Speaker 2: 17:44

Like man, like, have you ever, like, had something pop up on your computer or like an ad, or like on YouTube? Like, sometimes the videos will just play one after another. Like you ever seen something you're like, why would they show me this? You don't even have to say, like what it was, but it gives you like this isn't the kind of stuff I want to watch. Like, has that ever happened to you? Yeah, I like that there's ways to open the, keep those communications at whatever age they're at. And also, like I think, when we can be a little bit more vulnerable, it just shows on all this about how about what isn't about control, it's about communication, it's about relationship.

Speaker 1: 18:18

That's a good one. Yes, good, that's awesome. Well, I think you know we're just going to say these five C's. We think about the five C's in terms of how we can continue to do this monitoring, accountability. And those are communication, connection, consistency, caring and compassion. And the more we do those, the way that we're supposed to do them, focused on building connection with our kids not trying to do the gotcha, but building connection the more we'll have that solid foundation for effective monitoring moving into their adult lives. They're never going to stop needing us, it's just going to be different, awesome. Well, thank you everyone so much for being here. Just a quick. You want to do our quick wrap up or revisit?

Speaker 2: 19:12

things. So just reminder monitoring goes beyond just knowing their whereabouts. It also involves that emotional health and understanding them too. So remember to ask where will you be, when will you be with, when will you come back, and will there be drugs or alcohol?

Speaker 1: 19:28

Important question.

Speaker 2: 19:29

Parents do not ask it enough and we can continue to effectively monitor and nurture our relationships with our kids.

Speaker 1: 19:39

Friends as we sign off today, hello, remember that if you loved today's episode, if this was valuable to you, send it to somebody else, leave us a five star review, share it with your friends. We want to hear what's happening with you. We want to hear your thoughts. You can join our conversation on Instagram or you can leave a comment on our website. But until next time, thank you everyone for tuning in. Have a great one and thank you, anna. Bye, bye.