Woven Together: The Art of Parenting Through Friendship and Resilience

As family coaches and parents,  we understand that sometimes, a chat with a friend can be the lifeline we need in the whirlwind of family life. In our heart-to-heart conversation, we reveal how these bonds not only support us through parenting challenges but also shape the very fabric of our family's existence. We're peeling back the layers of friendship's influence, sharing stories that range from the laughter that comes with learning to say 'yes' more to the solidarity found in constructive feedback that steers us back to what matters most—our families.

Motherhood and parenting are not for the faint of heart, and the journey is as unique as each child we raise. We reflect on the evolving parenting landscape, trusting our instincts, and how life's tapestry enriches our approach to nurturing our kids. Embracing the diversity of family structures, from biological to step-parenting, we affirm the importance of parenting with intention and adapting to the individual paths that we and our children walk.

Finally, we tackle the tightrope act of juggling work, parenting, and personal relationships, sharing tales from the trenches of early parenthood, including those sleepless nights we all know too well. But it's not just about survival—it's about thriving, building connections, and fostering resilience. So, as we wrap up this episode, we invite you to join the conversation, share your experiences, and become part of a community that's all about strengthening the ties that bind families together. Join us, Angela and Anna, as we continue to explore the wonders and challenges of family life.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to the first episode of Good Friend, strong Families. We are your hosts, angela and Anna, and we're gonna bring you a blend of friendship and expert family coaching. Our journey together spans nearly two decades, proving that the path to raising connected, resilient families is often walked best with a good friend by your side. This podcast is our way of extending that friendship to you. As family coaches, we're equipped with research-based strategies for effective parenting and we're excited to share these insights with you. Our discussions together are heartfelt, they're genuine, just as they would be in our own personal conversations with one another, and we really aim to be that friend who shares in your laughter, your tears, always guiding you back to the heart of what matters most building stronger, more connected families.

Speaker 1: 0:53

To kick off this series, we thought it fitting to share one of our initial discussions about the profound impact of friendship on family life. It's really a conversation that lays bare our passions and experiences, really covers a lot of the struggles and victories that we've encountered. So join us as we delve into this candid exchange, giving you a glimpse into the essence of our message. Let's dive in. Adding to that, the frustration that you already have with issues with your partner makes it really hard, but anyway, the point is that, one, people don't always have someone to talk to and I have always had someone to talk to and two, that even if you have someone to talk to, people don't always know where to get resources on parenting in particular.

Speaker 2: 1:43

Right.

Speaker 1: 1:43

And for me, being a mom has been, maybe I'll say, like the most responsible thing I've ever done.

Speaker 2: 1:51

Yeah, that's the word.

Speaker 1: 1:53

I mean like somebody else could pick up my slack at work or, like you know, could pick up my slack in all the other areas of my life, but like nobody else can parent my kids, I meant I'm all they get. So I think, having had you all these years to be somebody that has walked alongside me as a parent, has been, I almost wanna like give you as a gift to the world, like everybody needs an Anna. That's why I always call things like the good girlfriend stuff. You know, like without a good girlfriend I don't know how I would have survived growing my kids.

Speaker 2: 2:28

Right, Well, I think a lot of things based on what you were just talking about, but I feel like the unique thing is I feel like it's really common to maybe have a lot of venting going on.

Speaker 2: 2:42

And so I feel like a lot of people think, because they can sometimes vent to even the world, really, with social media, I feel like that's where a lot of people have turned. They just put it out there and they think that that's productive, versus whenever we talk, it is. Even if we're in one of those situations where, like one of us is dealing with something nine times out of 10, spoiler alert it's really something we're dealing with ourselves, right? You know, there's people in our lives so it spills over a little bit. Is that we do our fair share of like this is how I'm feeling. This is why I feel this way.

Speaker 2: 3:26

Maybe, or you know, but we always point each other back to our family. So it's like if I come to you and I'm like he just doesn't get this or whatever, it is right, and then you're like okay, but it's not. The goal is always to be like okay, but how can you resolve that? And first, like I think we have to find some resolution within ourselves. I feel like that's what you help me do is like okay, I needed to work that out so that I can work it out with him or my children or whoever. Right, versus just venting and you going yeah, yeah, I totally agree. Like they're idiots, they are.

Speaker 1: 4:09

I was gonna say that, yup, she's being a jerk, or?

Speaker 2: 4:12

yeah, you know what I mean, like we always help each other get full circle. And then I was thinking I totally agree, like as much as they say, like it takes a village and I do believe you're part of my village I still am the only mom my children have, and so it is definitely a responsibility. That is very sobering.

Speaker 1: 4:37

I like that word for it. I like that word for it. I think I also thought, you know, growing up I thought, well, you know, being a parent isn't as big a deal, and in some ways it's not. I mean, I'm just thinking back to like when our kids were little and and we used to do, I remember one time hearing somebody say try not to say no, so much, you know, like those lessons, those early lessons that we had as parents. They were, they seemed so much easier, and before I was a parent, first of all, I was a better parent before I was parent.

Speaker 2: 5:11

That's the fact that we had a metal ribbon winner right here. You have a problem with your kid? I'll solve it. Come on, I have a problem with my kid help.

Speaker 1: 5:23

I always thought like how could parents be? I know exactly what to do, why wouldn't you do it? Then I had kids and I was like the world. But when they were younger, things like I remember specifically hearing somebody say don't say, say no so much, you know, try not to say no all the time is like your default word. And so I really took a lot of those lessons to heart. You know, because I didn't know how to parent. I get I did my own time. I didn't know how to pair. I actually remember walking out of the hospital. I've heard that a lot of people have this experience of walking out of the hospital the first time with a baby and really feeling like that that hospital staff is missing the mark if they think that I was responsible for this.

Speaker 2: 6:06

What's the vetting process here?

Speaker 1: 6:09

Why are you giving this to me? Nobody's told me what to do next, but I remember, as they were little, thinking about like those early lessons and then like trying those on for size, like okay, well, let me just try and say yes more often, you know. But then what happens? I look back on our lives and I think, gosh, those were like the least of our troubles, you know.

Speaker 1: 6:31

But what happens then is then you hit against something that you don't know what to do about, and then, if you don't have a good way to learn how to fix it, or you know, and while simultaneously, because I just, bruno and I determined that we were going to stay together, you know, like, whatever I got, we're going to get married to this guy. We swear we'd never use the word divorce, and it wasn't because we had, like you know, great skills, like kind of on the contrary, we did not have great skills, but we just determined we were not going to get divorced and we were going to stay together, and so that just meant that we had to learn, learn, learn, learn, learn, and so. But at some point you get to a point in your life where you're like I need somebody to talk to, because some of this stuff is really hard.

Speaker 2: 7:17

I think it's it's so interesting because I feel like we know mothers have an instinct and a gut and an intuition, and we know that.

Speaker 2: 7:30

But I feel like what we don't always know or understand is that our ability to listen and really hear and discern and trust is shaped by our life experiences.

Speaker 2: 7:48

And so there's been times when, like I've had that like oh, I don't think I should do this or I think I should do that, and then I don't trust myself and so you don't listen. And then you know thankfully sometimes those are just small, incidental things and then you're like, oh, that really was something that I should listen to. And so I feel like that's kind of just parenting in general, like you are always learning as you go and and, but at the same time I remember reading books and and things. And I don't know about you, but like I would read a book and and I learned pretty quickly that like I'm not going to agree with everything, even within the same book, even if I overall enjoy that book or agree with that book, there's still going to be things that I'm like, yeah, that's just not going to work for me, or it's not going to work for my family, or it's not going to work for my child.

Speaker 1: 8:40

I remember one skill somebody told talked about in a book and I won't say the skill, because I don't even know which book they got this from but that particular skill that they use. I thought that feels aggressive. I would never do that, you know what I mean.

Speaker 1: 8:56

But they were like totally bought into this idea and they were people that I loved and respected and I absolutely thought they were great parents, and so I think that's the other thing is like just because somebody else uses it doesn't mean you have to, but just because you don't like it doesn't mean it's wrong. Do you know what? I mean Right, but I was like that is a aggressive move that I would never do. Yeah Right, it's funny.

Speaker 2: 9:17

Yeah, I think that's the reason why I've just I've learned a lot more grace for myself and for other people because and I think we the things that, like I learned about parenting with my first kid versus the next batch of children. It was like this works so well the first time.

Speaker 1: 9:39

You did have them in batches too.

Speaker 2: 9:41

Which is kind of funny, but you know what?

Speaker 2: 9:43

I mean Like it. I think it's just so interesting because we are constantly throwing as well humans. But, like as a mom, like who you are, as who you are as a mom to an infant isn't going to be who you are as a mom to a toddler or whatever Like. I feel like, yes, you have your core values, but you get a clearer, more rich picture as you go along and you're also learning your kid. Your kid is learning who they are, and then, like, forget about throwing in another kid and then who they are, and then you're also just it's not just your parenting, mothering journey that is evolving, it's all the other aspects of life that are shaping you as you go to. So the mom that I am now is definitely not the mom I was 18 years ago.

Speaker 2: 10:34

Oh my gosh, that's really scary to say that's really scary to say Like 10 years ago, but it's true, even 10 years ago. It's like, you know, add another kid or add other life experiences or whatever, and so you're. You know, I don't know, I feel like it's, it's cliche and I've heard it a lot, but you know, when people talk about like loving kids the same, it's like no, I love all my kids in equal amount, but it's very different Children. They need love spoken to them in different ways, and then the relationship that I have with each of them is going to be slightly different. And then the things that they need at different times of their life, even, but just even as their individual person, they you know. So it's like if I just tried to be a cookie cutter and loved them each the same, I would fail them.

Speaker 2: 11:28

Yeah, yeah, I totally feel like that also speaks to like just our personal journey as a mom in this life.

Speaker 1: 11:36

I always say that the most, the the. I guess the best I ever learned it's not even a sentence, but the most I ever learned about parenting was actually not from my kids, it was from my stepkids. Because one of the things that you have to do if you're the parent of a stepchild is you have to parent on purpose, in a way that a natural parent doesn't have to parent A natural parent. They're going to love you, they're going to adore you, they're going to you know, and the kids just love their parents. I mean parents. You could be a horrible parent, your kids are still going to love you. You know what I mean. Like it's just, it's it's natural to them. And so I learned so much more about parenting kids as a stepparent and I don't know. Let me look back on my life and I think, man, I was a stepmom for years and years and years before I was a natural parent. I think this is probably true of a lot of different sort of parenting relationships. Like you know, if you're doing it in a way that is trying to maybe evolve or get yourself, get better or connect more or whatever, you're really thinking through that individualness of every kid. But I really liked what you said about how you're evolving, not only in your relationship with your kids but also as a person, because I remember and you and I've talked about this before I remember, especially when our youngest was a baby and I wasn't working and I really thought that that was going to be like.

Speaker 1: 13:08

I didn't expect that. First of all, I didn't expect that I was going to stay home, and then I did. I was like, oh, I'm not going to work, I never want to, I never want to put you down. That's going to be awkward when I'm sitting in an office with a four year old on my lap, hi everyone. So I didn't expect that. And then the other thing I didn't expect was that I was going to have to go back to work. I mean, that happened pretty quick, just within a few short years.

Speaker 1: 13:36

And then I had to go back to work and here I was trying to learn who this human was, trying to parent this human, trying to give him every family experience I could.

Speaker 1: 13:47

And then I had to go back to work and do a really like a hard job, and so I was having these experiences outside of parenting that were also impacting parenting but then also impacting my relationship with my husband and here's one of the things that I think is maybe sad is that we as a society don't necessarily value the opinions or experiences of people who've gone through some of the tough stuff, and so we don't lean into those people who've already gone through those things Because we think we want, well, I should be able to do it all, or I should be able to know it all, or that was a different generation when I should have leaned into women who'd been there before me, and I think that would have helped me to understand that I wasn't being a bad mom by going back to work, that my kid was not going to be broken, that my relationships were going to be okay as long as I did some key things.

Speaker 1: 14:56

And as long as I realized that it was a season or a phase. If I had done all that, I probably would have had a little bit of a better experience.

Speaker 2: 15:04

Yeah, well, I think about like, when I was talking about like there is a level of, there is a level of instinct or you know, just that gut intuition that I think moms have.

Speaker 2: 15:16

But I think that's more, at least in my experience, like you were talking about like with a natural child, like you just instinctively love them or or, and even then it grows right, like yeah, but I was thinking about like okay, what did people do before the, our generations? It's like well, they, I feel like historically they did have stronger senses of communities and they were learning generationally and what that looked like, and so like now I feel like we have a lot of access to a lot of information, but sometimes it's it's like how do you even, how do you know where to look, because information is everywhere, but how do you know what information you want and what information you need when you need it? And I think that's where, like, you're saying like friendship. And it's funny, when you first started talking about our friendship, I was first blown away by how long we've known each other, a long time. I was thinking back to that time and how we started out as a group and I was like, oh my gosh, like some of it's just honestly a blur.

Speaker 1: 16:32

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we were also sleep deprived. Yes, yes, you, probably more than me. You moved on and had a bunch more kids. I moved on and had a career, but we both still had those kids growing those ages.

Speaker 2: 16:45

Yeah, but what's funny, when you mentioned sleep one of my first, one of the first interactions I remember with you as far as parenting goes. So Lucia is wet like six months no, not even like four or five months younger than Melissa, right and so, and they were babies when we met. So I remember you asking me how I, how I get her to take us, take a nap or whatever. I was like, I put her in her crib and she gets to sleep, and I just remember you probably needed more than that.

Speaker 2: 17:24

You're feeling, oh, like that was the most unhelpful.

Speaker 1: 17:31

Thanks for the response. Thanks and then.

Speaker 2: 17:34

I was thinking fast forward. Two years later, I get twins that don't believe in sleeping. So I was like going back to like my own advice and going like still very unhelpful to the mom who can't just put their kid down and have them taken out.

Speaker 1: 17:54

That's hysterical. I remember when they were that agent just being exhausted.

Speaker 2: 17:59

I mean just well, I remember the frustration that, probably because of sleep separation. But I remember like just thinking I'm doing everything the same. Why isn't it working and I don't? I think my husband disagreed, like he thought there must be something. I'm not doing the same because it's it should work and you're not working. You must be missing something and feel free. Oh man, what sleep deprivation does.

Speaker 1: 18:31

Yeah, that's for a good year. So I think that's the thing that you don't realize when you're in the middle of it. It you know how, like they always say, like you know, cherish your child, then this is going to be the best you ever get, or whatever. Like your teen years are going to be fabulous. I think the the I think there were moments in time where I enjoyed the journey and then there were moments in time where I was like, oh my God, please let this end. Please let this end. Please let this end yeah.

Speaker 1: 18:57

But, if you can, I remember one of the most helpful things anyone ever told me in parenting is that it's all a season, it's all a season, yeah, and that the seasons change, and so if you know that the season is changing you're in the middle of winter and you're freezing cold you know that eventually it's going to be spring, but it just gives you more hope that eventually it's going to be spring. And the seasons do change and we change and our kids change and they grow and they, you know and there's hope in that.

Speaker 2: 19:26

And then sometimes there's also like, if it's going good now, it's probably not going to go so great soon, and if it's not going so great now, you know that is like a word, and I know that it's going really well.

Speaker 1: 19:40

Right, it's going really well and people are like this is going to be a change.

Speaker 2: 19:44

You're like I don't know if you see I'm sure you have I it's not every once in a while it will come back up and kind of make somebody else will do a spin, but it's somebody narrating like about how, like you only get, you know, five short years with your young child and like and I just always like seasons and stuff, like I can accept, but like the whole, if you miss it, you miss it and it's you're just so well. I hate that because I was very much in a season of like I it's literally a blur Like I'll see pictures one I don't think I personally was even capable of taking many pictures for for a while, but I'll see like clips, videos of like my husband, that he and I'm one I'm like I didn't even know you did that and why did you do that. But also thank you that you did that.

Speaker 1: 20:40

Because, like my, hair, I'll be.

Speaker 2: 20:43

I'm just like it is literally. I don't remember if I, the only the only memory I have is that picture. You know what I mean. Like, yeah, sometimes we confuse our actual memories with like pictures.

Speaker 1: 20:54

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 20:55

But I'm just like wow, like I don't know how we did it, but we did it and and we're on the other side and and then I just hope and pray that didn't do too much damage in the process. You know, I think that clearly we're not perfect.

Speaker 1: 21:11

No, it's funny you said that, because that was something that especially okay, go back to this comment made about being a step parent. We have a freedom, multitude of kids, I mean, they were just everywhere. And and the thing that I loved and alternately loved and did not love about my husband the things I loved and did not love, but same thing is that he was always the person that was like fun, you know, and so like that's great. If, like, you want to go camping and did a lot of that, you know, like he's the person that's going to like throw stuff in the truck and go. He's also the person that's going to be like, oh, we have this much money we could either pay the bills or we could go camping, let's go camping. It's like, yeah, you know, and so like. But I look back on those years and so I, but I did. The one thing that I did that I'm glad that I did was lean into his fun. I certainly made sure that the gas bill was paid before we went camping, but I did lean into his fun, but I so that we did have some fun.

Speaker 1: 22:13

I just don't remember it all and I don't know. I mean I think I don't know if my memory is better or worse than other people's memories, but I don't. I just don't remember a lot, and so sometimes people will say I literally have been to places that people are like oh my gosh, we went to blah, blah, blah and it's like a pretty significant event, right. And I'm like, no, no, you don't remember that. You don't remember what we like flew in an airplane to this location, did we? No, so bad fun. But so the thing is that I always go back to that saying of like how does it go? Like people don't care, how does I forget how that goes? But anyway, whatever, the idea is that our kids have their memories.

Speaker 2: 23:07

Might not be like specific, but it's a feeling or a thought or an emotion or a the one that I'm thinking of is like people don't care how much you know until they know how much care.

Speaker 1: 23:19

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's a feeling, that's not a specific, that's like a thing I feel that way about. You know what I mean, and I think that that's how our kids feel about us and we know from research I mean really getting back to the discussion of like why we even do this, we actually do parenting classes but so we know from research that really kids are so much more resilient than we think, and researchers have taken specific situations that you and I, as parents, are like ashamed of. Or you know, like I remember one in particular where I got really angry at one of the kids because we had a wood burning stove and he took the kitchen sponge. We're having like Saturday clean day and he took the kitchen, you know, like a wood burning stove. The outside gets like black, black, black, you know, and he took the kitchen sponge. He washed it with the sponge, it was all black and I just I mean I hit the roof. I don't even know, I wasn't even, but I did and I got really angry and so I felt horrible about that for you know, and but I remember, of course I'm back and I apologize and I'm so sorry, but you know, when you do that, you feel bad, they feel bad. So but I was reading this research study not too long after that that they will take specific situations specifically and ask kids about them. Situations exactly like that where a parent feels bad. But then they go back to the kids and, do you know, the majority of the time kids don't actually remember that specific situation. What they remember is what it felt like to be a kid. I felt like I was valued, I felt like I was so you know. That's so. Unless you're giving them these like constant, specific situations where you're not supporting or you know it's this constant whatever. They don't remember that. No reason to feel bad anyway.

Speaker 1: 25:15

So let's see. So what should we talk about? What should we talk about? Parenting? I wonder if we should do more of this, where I wonder if we should start talking about like parenting through the ages, do you know? I mean like parenting a younger kid versus parenting an older kid. Or maybe we could talk about things like family dynamics. We could talk about that like what that's like, or or even like how to cultivate. That that's another thing that people need to know is like how to cultivate. Of course, we could do that over time, but how to cultivate relationships with other people to help support. Because you actually talked about something really important this idea that you would, as a friend, be the kind of friend that would listen. But then also, I mean, you need, we need events, so you don't want to call your friends and have your friend be like, listen, you should work. Yeah, that's, I would be like.

Speaker 2: 26:16

We always find our way there. You know what I mean.

Speaker 1: 26:18

Like oh yeah, for sure.

Speaker 2: 26:21

I? You know, gosh, what would you tell somebody like? What advice can you give to somebody about finding your person or a group of? I mean, we started out as a group. We didn't know we would be the only two standing.

Speaker 1: 26:38

No, we have no idea. No, I think that's really good.

Speaker 2: 26:41

But but I mean, we kind of fell into each other's laps. You could say, right, we met through church and so it's like, ok, we knew that with all our differences, we at least had some common values or beliefs, right. And I feel like that is, I guess, the gift of modern world. You can literally connect with anybody anywhere and you can find very specific groups, you know shared interests, you can find very general parenting things online. You there's, you know what I mean. But but how do you know, when you have found somebody that you can really I don't even know.

Speaker 1: 27:34

I mean trust doesn't well, Not only that but, like I mean, go back to the beginning part of the conversation we had a lot of friends. Well, friends, it really has been a pleasure getting to share a bit of our story, and now you understand why we wanted to start a podcast and share with you some of the really vital topics that we know both as family coaches as well as parents and parenting adults ourselves. So in our next episode, we will explore another vital topic in strengthening our families. If you enjoyed today's episode, please take the time to leave us a five star review and share it with a friend. We'd also love to hear your thoughts on today's topic and other topics that you might want to hear about. You can join the conversation on our Instagram. You can leave a comment on our website. Thank you so much for tuning in and have a great day.

Speaker 1: 28:38

In our next episode, we'll explore another vital topic in strengthening our families. If you enjoyed today's episode, please leave us a five star review, share it with a friend. We'd also love to hear your thoughts on today's topic. Join the conversation on our Instagram or leave a comment. And thanks everyone for tuning in.