Good Friends; Strong Families The Podcast

Creating Resilient Families: The Art of Establishing and Honoring Clear Boundaries

• Angela and Anna • Season 1 • Episode 3

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Are the rules in your home crystal clear, or are they more like guidelines that often get stretched or broken? Join Angela and Anna as we crack the code of setting and maintaining family boundaries that stick. We've put together an episode that doesn't just spell out the significance of having physical, emotional, and social boundaries but illustrates the transformative power they wield in creating a structured, safe environment where families can flourish. From family meetings to a united parental front, we're handing you the keys to raising resilient, connected kids. 
 
 We're peeling back the layers of family communication, addressing the disconnect between what parents intend to convey and what children grasp. In this revealing conversation, we break down eight simple, adaptable rules grounded in values like respect and kindness to keep harmony at the forefront of your household. Moreover, we share personal stories and practical advice, arming you with the tools to ensure these rules evolve with your family's journey. Whether you're navigating the complexities of co-parenting or flying solo on this parenting adventure, this episode is your guide to fostering a home where children learn to thrive within clear boundaries.

Anna:

Hello and welcome to Good Friends, strong Families, the podcast where every episode equips you with a new skill, surrounds you with support and provides actionable steps you can immediately implement in your family life. I'm Anna and I'm joined by my co-host, angela. We are parents, friends and family coaches, and in today's episode, we're going to delve into boundaries. What are they? How do we set them? How do we get our family on board? We're going to dissect the what, why and how, so at the end of today's episode, you will be better equipped to raise resilient, connected families. So, angela, what are boundaries?

Angela:

Okay, so this is a tough one. We use this term all the time boundaries but really, when you think about boundaries, these are just what are the limits you've chosen as a family, what are the rules you've chosen? And it is important to choose them, because if you don't have any rules or any boundaries, or they're unclear, then our kids are a little frazzled. They're not really sure what to expect. But you want to think of those boundaries in terms of how do we create and maintain safety?

Anna:

Yeah, I think the word that I always like helps me like click. Is this a good boundary? Or whatever is like do my kids know what is expected?

Angela:

Oh, I like that.

Anna:

Do they know what's expected of them in this situation?

Angela:

That's a good idea to think about it Outside of the home.

Angela:

Well, it's funny you say that because I'm thinking about boundaries. We talk about safety in terms of physical safety, but also emotional safety, social safety. So if you have good boundaries around making friends and how you act with other people, that can create social safety. But I always go back to this idea of parents are our kids' first teachers. We have to teach these things and some of it is caught like they see how we act and so they act that way. But some of it is explicitly taught and this is one of those situations where boundaries have to be expressed verbally. Sometimes you write them out, Sometimes you role play, but you have to start talking about expectations and boundaries.

Anna:

Yeah, just because they say actions speak louder than words doesn't mean, words are not necessary. Yeah, that's good and I think this is a great thing if you have not done this, no matter how old your kids are, it's a great thing to discuss at family meetings and it's important to include your kids, especially if you're getting started when they're a little bit older. And maybe they're like wait, why do I all of a sudden have rules? And I think it would be important to say well, we've really made rules.

Angela:

We always have rules.

Anna:

Yeah, we've always had expectations, but we just want you to. We want to be more clear about them, because I think it'll really help your kids. I was just thinking. When I'm in an unknown situation and I don't know what's expected of me, there's an uneasiness in that and you don't really feel safe.

Anna:

If you know what is expected of you and you know what the consequences are when you don't hold up your end of the bargain, so to speak, there is a little bit of safety and a sense of like OK, maybe mastery, I know what I'm saying, yeah, yeah, that's really good, absolutely.

Angela:

I was also thinking about you know, you and I talk about this being like the Goldilocks way of thinking about it you don't want too many, you don't want too few, you want what's just right and you want that for your family.

Anna:

Yeah, and you may need like a pre-family meeting with your partner if you are co-parenting, because odds are, you did not grow up with the exact same upbringing, I think. Even if you grew up with similar values or whatever, that looks different in different families. And so I mean we have like that's something that you kind of want to be on the same page and then go as a united front with your children to kind of have those discussions.

Angela:

We don't have time today. We'll talk about what to do if you're not on the same page with your partner, because that's actually a big deal. That's a big deal. And also I'll just nod to our friends who are raising kids as a single parent. Listen, you can also take a walk to the bedroom to talk to yourself, like if you need to have a parent-to-parent conversation. Get in that mirror and have that discussion Because you want to do some pre-work before some of the challenges come up.

Anna:

Absolutely, absolutely. I think that's the other thing is like if you can establish the expectations, the rules, the limits and then also have pre-established consequences.

Angela:

That's good.

Anna:

Oh my gosh, that was something that we really struggled with when our kids were little, because if you don't know what you're going to do, it's much easier to get in that emotional response.

Angela:

You're grounded for the rest of your life.

Anna:

Yes, the parent going off to work is like well, that's it, you've lost your screen privileges for a week, and then the parent at home is going. What Thanks I'm being punished now what? Am I supposed to do? I mean, I don't have any real world experience with that at all.

Anna:

Lies. So, yes, I think that really helped, knowing that, hey, we've discussed this before. You do know what is expected of you and if you have violated that boundary, this is the consequence. And you just, it's like we had a really good friend, also a family coach, and she called it writing the ticket. And so you're non-emotional at that point and you're just like, look, you broke the speed limit, you are getting a ticket. She's like I'm not going to get emotional about it, I'm not going to get upset about it, I'm just going to write you the ticket.

Angela:

You know what the boundary is. Yeah, you broke the limit.

Anna:

You knew what the consequence was, and so that also really helped me.

Angela:

I really like that I know we're going to get into this a little bit more deeply, but I do want to say and this is actually going to be an entirely different conversation on another podcast but there are times that, as a parent or as a parenting adult, you maybe go over the line in terms of your consequence. So you give him a consequence and it really is something like yeah, something like.

Angela:

I'm never going to be able to do this anyway, and so I would just say my husband has done this. This is something I learned from him. Thank God for that man. But if I went a little bit too far in terms of like what I would tell them their consequences. He would just like stand next to me, smile a big smile and then quietly, privately, in the bedroom. Later he would say to me that was a little bit much, this is why. And then he would give me the opportunity to go back and make that right. And it is okay to go back and make it right.

Anna:

Yeah, I think it's. Oh my gosh, it's not okay. It is like a skill that our kids need. Yes, they need to know that, like we are human, we make mistakes.

Angela:

Yes.

Anna:

We may get emotional, we may whatever, and we need to correct that and showing kids how to correct.

Angela:

Listen, I got to tell you the funny story. So years ago, our youngest was, I'm guessing he was probably like four or five or whatever told you the story. But he, we were in a Toys R Us and we were in line and I was buying them. This Spider-Man remember, Black Spider-Man came out. Yeah, he wanted to be Black Spider-Man for Halloween and I was so excited. He probably not even, maybe four. Anyway, so we're standing in line and I said he kept touching all the things in line, which of course he did. He was four.

Anna:

Right.

Angela:

But I jumped the gun and I said don't touch them. And then he touched them again. I said if you touch them again, I'm not going to buy this Spider-Man costume. Oh my gosh, it was such a mistake. I've literally I mean eight kids. Not one kid has ever thrown themselves on the floor. This kid threw himself on the floor of the Toys R Us, so obviously I can't buy the costume, right? He pitched a fit straight into his little body.

Angela:

I couldn't even get him into the car seat. I had to call home. He screamed all the way home. I had to call home and tell my husband we're coming in hot, this one's for you. You know like it was horrible. Anyway, I we had to like literally devise a plan where he would like have to earn it. But I did say in that process I understand that it is difficult when you're four years old not to touch everything and I shouldn't have made the consequence so hard. However, you have to learn when mom says not to do something. So what we're going to have you do is earn it. And I had that four year old so cute, standing on his little chair washing little dishes.

Angela:

And he did, he like earned the thing back, but I could have avoided that by giving a good consequence.

Anna:

Right, right.

Angela:

So let's talk about what those are, okay, so first of all, I just want to give a couple of examples, you know, thinking about what the consequences are. You want to think in terms of things like bedtime and homework time, how we treat one another. But again, not too many, not too few, right?

Anna:

Right, yeah, and, and you can use, like those, all examples. You may have limits on how much screen time we have. But, screen time could also be a consequence. Oh yeah, that's right, and then, like with homework, you may have a very like. Your homework needs to be done by this time or before you're allowed to play a video game.

Angela:

Yeah, that's a good one.

Anna:

Yeah, so just those some examples. And then I think I think I remember getting to this lesson and it's like okay, like we're gonna do family rules as a family coach. And I remember going, oh my gosh, like do we have rules? I don't even know where to begin. Like what do we?

Angela:

what? Well, let me tell you how do you not have a hundred? This is because you can't write that much because you can't think of all the scenarios. Do you know?

Anna:

research says that most kids cannot say what the family rules are right and but parents believe that they've been explicit in saying what the rules are Right, and I think, and so this really helps me because I think if you as parents this is why I think maybe a little pre-meeting can be very helpful If you, as parents, can make sure you're on the same page as far as, like, some core values.

Angela:

Yeah, that's good.

Anna:

You can even start the conversation with your kids like hey, what do you think is important to mom and dad? About your behavior or about how we treat each other. But I think what really helped me is when I kind of had a starting point and we had Dr Aiman. If you're not familiar with him, he's all over social media.

Angela:

We love him. Aiman clinics we love him.

Anna:

And so he kind of gave an example of eight family rules and I think that they're really helpful and and we're not saying these have to be your exact rules but I think it can really help you identify what values you have and how you can use them as a rule. Yeah, jumping off and they're very simple because, yes, I felt like I needed to cover every scenario and that's just impossible.

Angela:

That's not gonna work.

Anna:

But if we say these, these align with our family values, and so, number one, we're going to be honest.

Angela:

Yes.

Anna:

And that means we, as parents, are going to be honest with you and we expect you to be honest in return. Yes, number two we treat each other with respect, and this is another example of like your kids should be seeing. You treat each other and your kids with respect and in the same way that you expect that respect to be among your children and back to you.

Angela:

This one was hard for me when the kids were little, because I definitely was somebody who was an eye roller, but I was like a back door eye roller, like, oh you know, like when I was younger and I had to learn the lesson that you have to. First of all, it's not necessary, that's just not necessary, and it really says more about me than it does about the other person. But the other thing is no matter how hard I try, my kids see that, and so if I don't wanna raise them to be eye rollers, if I don't want them to roll their eyes at me, I shouldn't be you know, or whatever.

Anna:

Fill in the blank here for your behavior. Yeah, definitely we also respect each other's property. This one definitely was huge for us with three girls.

Angela:

And twins. Yes, I bet that made it harder.

Anna:

So, yeah, that was definitely one that we had to really dig in and establish consequences. With Number four, I love this one. It's so simple, but like if everybody just followed this rule, our homes would be.

Angela:

I can't wait to hear the rule Okay, go ahead.

Anna:

Put away things that you take out. In theory, that's a great one. I mean, it really is.

Angela:

Listen, I did, though one of the ways that I heard when we were teaching parent classes, when we were doing family classes. One of the examples that I heard that I loved was when they talked in as a family about how they could get the house clean every day and they said, what if we just did like a 15 minute refresh where everybody, okay, ring the bell 15 minutes, everybody runs around the house and puts all their stuff away.

Anna:

Oh yeah, we've done that a lot and that works for me. Yeah, that's great. Number five look for ways to be helpful and kind. I love that one. If everybody is putting things away they took out, if everyone is looking for ways to be helpful and kind, like the environment, the energy in your home, like I just feel, like a calm, just came over the room just saying that and you can always ask them what does it look like to you to be helpful and kind.

Angela:

I don't have to come up with every example. We're a family, we all work together. Yeah, exactly.

Anna:

Number six ask permission before you go. I love this one because I grew up and we'd be like, hey mom, where'd dad go? I was like dad left.

Angela:

Oh my gosh, wait. Young in my marriage, my husband would literally just get in the truck and just drive away, yes, and I had no idea he was even gone. This was before we had cell phones. I'd go outside and the truck would be gone and like an hour and a half later he'd come back. I'd say where were you? Oh, I went to the whatever fill in the blank here.

Anna:

I'm like so this is one that we all like. I'm not walking out the door without telling you where. I'm going so you better walk out or you better ask before you go somewhere.

Angela:

This is for adults and kids. That's awesome. That's awesome.

Anna:

Okay, number seven do what mom or dad says the first time.

Angela:

I like that.

Anna:

And then number eight don't argue with your parents. And again, these are just guidelines, these are starting points. I want you guys to be having conversations in your family, finding some simple rules that really are more like all-encompassing instead of like I don't know, I can't even think of an example, but I that's where my mind went was like I need to think of every single example. If your brother doesn't put your his toy away, then like you know, and it was just like, no, we just have these more guidelines.

Angela:

And some of the guidelines. You know they're not gonna really be as applicable over time. You know kids will. They'll just start to do that, you know like.

Anna:

Or you may have a situation that that make that causes you to create a new rule. Right, we couldn't see this coming, but now we know, you know, think about it with technology kids phones yeah. You may have some more explicit rules here.

Angela:

Listen, I we had a really good friend who said that this was years ago. He said the one thing that he always, the rule he made for himself as a dad, is that he would never give a correction that that was gonna be a severe or, you know, harsh that he did not sleep on. And so it is okay for you to say to your kids what you did was wrong, right, it broke our family rules. And I need to think about what the consequence will be, because you just can't have a consequence and that gives you an opportunity to google consequence for some ideas, you know.

Angela:

So I really like that Absolutely.

Anna:

I do think that you mentioned Goldilocks. I did. We really kind of expanded on Goldilocks.

Angela:

No, and we should.

Anna:

So you can absolutely have boundaries that are too rigid. What would that look like?

Angela:

Oh, my gosh, okay, so if I'm thinking about, well, first of all, let me just say I don't want to give specifics in terms of like, what is too rigid, right, because every family they'll decide what is and, to be honest, you probably are gonna decide some too rigid things and then then you're gonna back off of them.

Angela:

You know what I'm saying but let me tell you what happens. If we have some that are too rigid, our kids have trouble opening up to us. Yeah, because they see us as like oh, you know, oh, it's like the sheriff, you know, you don't want that, you want to have a good, open relationship. They begin to not feel flexible, right. They start to feel like they are inflexible, especially as it comes to other people's feedback. If there are things that they think are like, oh, that's against the rules, then they start to like cut people or situations out of their lives. I mean, there are real consequences, right, we need to be a little bit more flexible. We want them not to feel lonely or resentful or misunderstood. So too many too rigid rules are not good, but you and I have talked about what makes them. If they're too easy, what happens?

Anna:

Right. So if you're too passive, you let things happen, even even if and when you feel sad, bothered, angry, you just would be avoiding, maybe, the confrontation. You put everyone else's needs in front of your own, and so you may see this in yourself, but you also may see it in your children, right. Another big one is people pleasing. So if you are too passive in upholding boundaries because you don't upset people, yeah, and then you? You may begin to see that they really, really crave or need external validation. And if you're too passive with boundaries, you may just be unsure what is important to you.

Anna:

And that's why I think it's really good to kind of have that family meeting the pre-meeting if you're co-parenting or you have somebody that you're parenting with and then a family meeting to discuss like, hey, again, go back to those core values, talk about like what's important to our family. How do we want to feel? We want to feel safe in our home, we want to feel safe when we leave our home, we want to, you know, feel safe around the people that we choose to be around, and so you really want to find that sweet spot.

Anna:

Yeah, and when you find that sweet spot, you are going to feel assertive but not aggressive, and you will be able to directly ask for what you need and you're not going to be feel guilty if you need to say no. You will also respect other people's limits and boundaries. That might be one of the most important things, especially in like the family setting. Like you are on. You are in this together, right, we want respect. Well, we also need to give respect and when you can find those boundaries, that like hit that sweet spot, you will have a strong sense of who you are. And I mean, think about that. If we can give that to our kids, that is such a gift.

Angela:

Well then that leads us to our. What are we gonna call this homework, or like what to do on the inventory Action step?

Anna:

Remember, we want you guys to leap here like knowing what your next step is. So we want you to set some time aside as soon as you can get it into your schedule. First, do a little personal check-in. Can you pinpoint where you may be lacking boundaries, or maybe where your boundaries are too too strong, too inflexible? You can ask yourself, you know, are your kids sensing that you feel overwhelmed because you don't know how to say no to things? So remember that you first are a model of boundaries to your children, so your boundaries do need to be prioritized. And then, what do you want to do with your family?

Angela:

I don't know that question.

Anna:

Well, you want to have a family meeting? You want to make sure that if you have not, if you do not have clear boundaries and clear rules with your family, then, like you, want to do that as soon as possible.

Angela:

Yes.

Anna:

Do that with them, right? It's not a one-and-done conversation, it's an ongoing conversation. It's figuring out, hey, what works for our family. Yeah, and then have a follow-up meeting. You know, a couple weeks a month later and say, like, how are we?

Angela:

doing? How is this working?

Anna:

Do these boundaries feel too much, too little? Do you need more clarification?

Angela:

Yes.

Anna:

Do you know what is expected of you on a daily, weekly basis?

Angela:

And how are those consequences going?

Anna:

And these might change a little bit, like it's when it's summer versus school, right, because you might have different responsibilities. Oh, that's really good, and so you may need to just do a little check-in.

Angela:

Yeah, I like that.

Anna:

That's good, like you're not going to have homework rules in the summer, I mean I don't know Well, maybe Well, you're a homeschooler, we don't know Well.

Angela:

Okay, friends. So we talked today about how boundaries are a crucial pillar in our family's overall well-being, but also they're really a protective factor for our kids against risky situations. We also, Anna and I, think about this a lot that when we can set some of these things up, they're also protective, so that our kids are less likely to engage in risky behaviors like drugs and alcohol in their later life. Kind of a big deal, but our big goal here is to model and nurture healthy boundaries so that our kids can be resilient, responsible and thriving. Thank you.