Family Rules That Resonate: Shaping a Respectful Home

In this Good Friends: Strong Families episode, Angela and Anna delve into establishing family rules and expectations. Far from laying down a list of dos and don'ts, this discussion opens up a meaningful dialogue on creating rules that align with your family's values and encourage participation and understanding from every family member. Learn how to craft respected and accepted guidelines, fostering a home environment where everyone feels valued and heard.
Discover the importance of implementing rules beyond the surface to teach responsibility, respect, and the skills necessary for navigating the wider world. Learn how rules can be more than just household commands—they can be the cornerstone of teaching your kids about the world, preparing them for adulthood with the right balance of discipline and freedom.
This episode is packed with practical advice on involving children in the rule-making process, ensuring they understand the ‘why’ behind each guideline, and setting up a system that works for your unique family dynamic. Whether you're looking to refresh your family's rules or starting from scratch, tune in for strategies to make your family rules effective, respected, and woven into the fabric of daily life, creating a respectful and loving home. Here are Dr Amen's 8 family rules from the Strengthening Families Program: 
1) Be honest.
2) Treat each other with respect.
3) Respect each other’s property.
4) Put away things you take out.
5) Look for ways to be kind and helpful.
6) Ask permission before you go.
7) Do what Mom or Dad asks the first time.
8) Don’t argue with your parents.

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:09

Hello and welcome friends, to Good Friends, strong Families, the podcast where every episode equips you with a new skill, surrounds you with support and provides actionable steps you can immediately implement in your family life. I'm Angela and I am joined with my favorite host in the world, anna. I'm here with me today, and today we're actually going to talk about something that's super important and that a lot of people struggle with family rules and expectations. Now, we're just talking about a whole list of dos and don'ts, which we will talk about, but we're actually talking about how to make family rules that work for your family, but also, at the same time, get people involved so that they feel really understood and that they're more likely to accept the rules.

Speaker 2 0:55

Yeah, and so family rules are important and necessary and I think sometimes we don't even realize that we don't have them, right, right, I definitely got to that point where I was like do we have rules? I just tell you when you do something wrong, but you didn't know it was wrong. So I love that it's family rules and expectations, because the expectations part, I think, is a key part of having family rules.

Speaker 1 1:18

This is an important piece, though, because research tells us that most kids can't tell you exactly what the family rules are, and I think adults would be surprised to hear that.

Speaker 2 1:28

Yeah, yeah, I totally agree.

Speaker 1 1:32

So I'm going to dig deeper here, because we're talking about not just pointing out mistakes, but really building a place where everyone feels respected. So let's talk a little bit about why family rules matter so much, and I think, like most people would say well, they matter because we need the house to run smoothly, and that's entirely true. But I think about family rules you and I have talked about this in the past about how our job isn't just in the moment, it's not just like how do we get kids to go to bed on time and do their homework and be nice to each other that's part of it. And family rules that helps us to teach our kids to do those things and to hold them accountable. But family rules are just like any other parenting tool. It's designed to parent, which is sort of an active thing that you're doing to get them into a healthy adulthood.

Speaker 2 2:26

Right, Absolutely. We had a friend and fellow family coach that said it this way like I'm not raising kids, I'm raising future adults.

Speaker 1 2:35

Yes.

Speaker 2 2:36

It's not just like they're not going to be five forever, they're not going to even be 15. And that is the reality of parenting. Is the weight of it Right? We want them to end up as functioning, healthy adults, no responsibility, and can balance that with obligations or rules or expectations. And then your personal responsibility.

Speaker 1 3:03

Well, you, as somebody who lives in the world or in the community around me, you want my kid to know how to follow rules. I mean there are so many situations that you need them. I mean especially like when they get older and they start to drive, or when they're in school with your kids.

Speaker 2 3:20

There are things that they have to know how to follow and it is about us kind of laying that groundwork at home so that they know how to do that in the future, but also laying that groundwork at home yeah, and I think part of that is the rules allow us to have a safe environment where their opinions and that's why it's important to include them in the process obviously depending on the age but as young as possible that you can have a conversation where you're talking about the importance of these guidelines is to include them in like well, what would make you feel safe and respected and a part of this team.

Speaker 1 4:01

Yes, I like the way you said that One of the things we talk about this is how like your rules can be about your g. You know, it's like your GPS is a family like like this is your guide as a family. Follow this, we know where we're going. But also One of the examples we talk about is like you have a bedtime rule because you're trying to get them to get enough sleep, but you're also they also have a bedtime rule because they have to understand it's important to have discipline and routine. That's gonna set them up. The older they get in, the other situations They'll be in when their teens and they have schoolwork that has to be done by a certain time or a certain day. It's not just about our littles but it's about, like when they leave home to go out into the world. Do they know that? You know maybe they aren't gonna set a, you know 10 pm Bedtime, but they have had that experience to know that that's gonna set them up for a routine that will be much healthier in their adult lives.

Speaker 2 4:58

Yeah, yeah, I, I've seen that work out in my oldest, when she first started working, and you know, sometimes she works late and then sometimes she works really early and she had to calculate and like factor in, like Okay, well, I know that like ideally I would have this much sleep and I got to be at work at this time. Yeah, like count backwards and you know, try to get myself to bed on time and so, yeah, when they're five they don't get that right, right right when they're 16, 17, 18 and beyond.

Speaker 2 5:28

I I did set her bedtime at that age right. But she, you know, we obviously had conversations about the importance of sleep and the importance of being responsible and being able to wake up to your alarm and get to work. Yeah, that's like that's an example of a rule. Like your job has a rule that you show up on time right.

Speaker 1 5:46

So, your mother has a rule that you eat the broccoli and get some sleep.

Speaker 2 5:50

I also love it. I think you already mentioned this but the foundation of setting rules, because that that felt so overwhelming to me Was like, oh my gosh, like trying to see, I I felt like I had to think of every possible scenario where, like your kids might do something wrong, right, right, and how can I have a rule that prevents that?

Speaker 2 6:11

like before, I can even imagine all the things, but when it was really broken down as as Using your family values, yes station of creating rules and then they're more broad strokes, and then being open to like again, having those conversations and, as your kids get older, knowing that sometimes those might need to be tweaked right. Yeah so the bedtime they have at five isn't going to be the same at 13 Necessarily. So that's just like one example of how, like hey, maybe one of your rules is we get enough sleep and so whatever that looks like.

Speaker 1 6:47

Yeah, that's really good.

Speaker 2 6:48

But but the value thing really really helped and I know the other thing that really helped, because, again, it just seems so daunting to like how do I come up with a list of rules?

Family Rules for Respect and Responsibility

Speaker 1 6:57

Yeah again.

Speaker 2 6:59

And then I learned of dr Amon's favorite family rule. I love him helpful.

Speaker 1 7:07

Well, he was really when we first started training strengthening families, when that was where we were really Introduced to dr Amon. He's fantastic, we absolutely love him. But you're absolutely right, this idea of having, like these kind of overarching rules. So we thought it would be really helpful, friends, for us to go through what dr Amon's overarching rules are and Maybe we can talk about how that would fit into your family and we'll tell you a little bit about how that fits into ours. But his first family rule is to be honest yeah, it's the same thing like this is something that it could be you could be talking about like not taking something that doesn't belong to you, or you could be talking about when I ask you a question, don't lie to me. I mean honesty, it is. It just it's situational.

Speaker 2 7:54

So that's a really good over it's a value and it's something that we want to have. And I think the other thing to take into account when you're establishing these rules is a little like reality check of like how you again, depending on how old your kids are, maybe you can't have a conversation with your one-year-old on honesty, but from that day forward, you can be an example of what honesty looks like.

Speaker 1 8:18

I had one of our moms that was in our class, telling me that she would Go into the movie theater and would go to a second movie, you know, instead of paying for it. And she was with her son one day. She, she would take her kids and they would do that. And she was with her son one day and her son looked at her and said Mom, this doesn't feel very honest. Oh boy, was that like a? And she said that to her. She thought, okay, there are things that I'm showing them that are not really a part of our values, and so the point is that sometimes it's gonna be hard for you to live your values, but if you're saying be honest, you have to say what honesty is, yeah.

Speaker 1 9:01

So the second one is treat each other with respect, and this is one that you just want to define as a family. What does respect look like? Yeah, that's an important one, because Respect could be that you just leave people alone when they seem frustrated. Or, again, respect could be don't take something doesn't belong to you, or yeah, respect is.

Speaker 2 9:22

You know you're doing something to your sibling and they tell you to stop. Well, respect means you stop.

Speaker 1 9:27

You know, yes, badgering.

Speaker 2 9:28

Yes and that also as a parent, means you know there's times when, like you think it's funny to do something with your kids and they don't think it's funny, and you have to be the example and stop with it.

Speaker 1 9:37

Yes, that's really good, because there are times that Sometimes, when our kids were little, my husband was a tickler and they loved it. I mean, let's just be real, they absolutely loved it. But then there were times that they were like stop. Yes, exactly, and respect is stopping. But actually this brings us to the third rule, which is a good one, that you have to respect each other's property.

Speaker 2 10:00

Oh yeah, this was like one of the first implemented rules. We had family, because at the time Time, our girls would just go at it with, you know, borrowing the other's clothes, but not really asking, and so it's like, okay, well, you're actually breaking true rules. One, you're not respecting them as a person and you're also not respecting their property, and so that was one of the first things that we had to really hash out like consequences and guidelines, and it was not like we really had to get into the nitty gritty of that and thankfully they've grown out of a lot of that but that was one that we had to really define and walk out.

Speaker 1 10:43

Yeah, what does this really mean? What does it really look like? This next one this is a funny one, because our house I feel like this is the one that we would always struggle with Put away things that you take out, yeah, okay.

Speaker 2 10:55

It's so simple, right? You open the cupboard.

Speaker 1 10:57

Close the cupboard. Yeah well, ha ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ha ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ha.

Speaker 2 11:03

Like great rule.

Speaker 1 11:04

No, it is a really good rule, but it's definitely something that you can strive for. For me, with this rule we came up with and actually based on some of our family classes, the way that we were able to implement this is, rather than chase people around all day long, because it's not just the kids, it's the kids, it's me, it's my husband, and so, rather than do that, what we would do is we would do like a 15 minute cleanup, or like we would do it before bed, or we would do it in the morning, or you know, and so rather than like argue about it. But here's where this was a really good one, because we had an awesome example from one of our kids of us being able to be more flexible. So one of our teenagers, when we would go to bed at night, we would expect, like get the dishes done before it's your night, you gotta get the dishes done before bed.

Speaker 1 11:59

But he actually came to us and said I got a bed way later than you do. So we kept saying, like, get it done before we go to bed. He's like yeah, if you go to bed at seven, that's not gonna happen. So he said what if we make the rule that you have to have it done by the first person that wakes up in the morning and uses a dish, and we were like, huh, okay, we'll try that. And so, who knows when the kid did the dishes? But somewhere in the middle of the night he got them done.

Speaker 2 12:26

Right, yeah, and I think that's a great example of like what we're talking about, like we want. We want to include our kids, because including our kids is teaching them not just family rules, but it's teaching them how they have that personal responsibility At some point. They will not be in your household, they will be in their own household and they will have to know what it means. And why would I have this rule, why would I have these habits? And so that's a great one, because he learned like hey, trust me on this.

Speaker 1 12:56

Like how are you?

Speaker 2 12:56

gonna get it done and I'm gonna get it done when it matters, and so if you show some flexibility and give them that like ownership, that's what's funny is. My husband grew up where it was like they wanted it to be done when they wanted and he was so frustrated he's like I just don't understand why they care. Why did they care? When I get it done, I'm gonna get it done. It's gonna get done, yeah. So yeah, I love that.

Speaker 1 13:20

But it is good because it does help them, especially as they get older, to have a little bit more I love that word ownership, because the more ownership they have, the more likely you are to get it done. And listen, parents, we want you to get what you need, and one of those things that you could do and we're just saying this as parent to parent is you, if you're a little bit more flexible, you're more likely to get what you want.

Speaker 2 13:42

You're flexible, but you're not breaking your values.

Speaker 1 13:45

Right, yes, exactly.

Speaker 2 13:47

That's why I love having those values as that foundation. Okay, so the next one. I love this one. I would have never thought of this as a rule. Yes, yes. Look for ways to be helpful and kind. Imagine if that rule was in every household.

Speaker 1 14:02

Oh my gosh In every workplace.

Speaker 2 14:05

How many times have you heard your kids say well, I didn't make that mess, why should I do that? But if your family has a rule that you look for ways to be helpful and kind, Then the rule is, you look for ways, and the truth is, this is a good way. You as a parent. If you're gonna put this as one of your rules, you're gonna have to be an example of your kids.

Speaker 1 14:22

Oh my gosh, that's the hard part. It really is. But it's so funny because you know that as of now, our kids are moved out. You know our last one. We have eight kids and they're all up and out and on their own out in the world, and good for them. They're doing fantastic, each one of them in their own way.

Speaker 1 14:40

But it's so funny because this rule is coming into play really strongly in my house right now because my husband and I both are the only two people at home and so if there's no like rule for who does the dishes but I think it's really funny to watch how we have decided to be helpful and kind. If there are dishes in the sink, one of us just grabs and we get some done. They get done every day, but that's because we have been consistently following this rule to be helpful and kind over time. Yeah, it's really good. A couple more and then we'll repeat them real quick for all of you who wanna write them down. By the way, these will be in our show notes and also you can get these on our website. But again, these are Dr Aiman's rules. Next one ask permission before you go. Don't just get in the car or go on the go to the park.

Speaker 2 15:28

That my husband and I lead by example, not in the sense that I have to ask him for permission or he has to ask me for permission, but so much as adult. We tell each other where we're going.

Speaker 2 15:41

Yes, this is where I'm going, and then the way this looks now that I have three driving teenagers is obviously they ask for permission, but when they get there, they check in. So this is like we have broken this general rule and we have some more specific guidelines for our family. And so the rules are when you get there, you let us know. We're on your way home, if you're changing your plans, you let us know. And so again, that general rule can apply at all these ages. But then as they grow and change and they're yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 2 16:15

But it started with because before I mean their kids didn't have the means to go anywhere, but it started with my husband and I not just walking out the door and going where did dad go 30 minutes later when he was gone, Like we always established that communication.

Speaker 1 16:31

Well and this one of the things are similar for us that our youngest is the last one home and was living at home and had a vehicle and could go wherever, whenever, and so when you're like 17, 18 and you're living at home, for us we may be more lenient than other parents. And again, this is your family, your rules, you choose, but we didn't actually have any kind of a curfew for him, but we did have a rule that if you're gonna be late, you tell us that you know you're gonna be late, where you're gonna be. And then mostly cause I could sleep through anything I need an absolute text. The second you walk in the door, do not forget to text me, because if I wake up in the middle of the night, I need to know that you're home and that you're safe, and so, again, you set up the rules that are important to you.

Speaker 2 17:17

Yeah, that's funny. We actually were the same way, in the sense that we don't have a clear cut like specific curfew time, like that is end all be all, because it's more situational based and it's also based on like we know our kids and we know like well we can trust them. Right right, so yeah, okay, next one.

Establishing Clear and Fair Family Rules

Speaker 1 17:34

Last two. These two sorry, not the last two, but these two really like work together. One is do what parents say the first time. I mean, if I'm asking you to do something, if parents for us, though, make sure that we're not asking them frivolous, you know, like we're not trying to anger them, but when we ask them to do something because we are, because we know that that's the rule, we're gonna ask them to do things that we know we're not gonna frustrate them. Well, I mean, I can't be in charge of your frustration level, but we don't try to frustrate them.

Speaker 2 18:02

We're asking things that are in alignment with our dogs.

Speaker 1 18:06

Right, exactly, so we want them to do what we say the first time, and then, of course, their part is not to argue with us, and that's that rule.

Speaker 2 18:15

AND Again, like that doesn't mean they don't disagree. That doesn't mean that they can't bring concerns or things to us. It just means that they're not going to be disrespectful and just flat out argue.

Speaker 1 18:29

Yeah, absolutely, and I will.

Speaker 1 18:30

I'm gonna add this one last rule and you and I add this all the time because we are family coaches but our main goal when we think about our family coaching is we want to get our kids to a healthy adulthood, and for us, we know that young people who do not have good set rules around alcohol and drugs are far more likely I mean, research tells us they are far more likely to engage in risky behaviors when they're unclear about the rules and we have not laid out. Look, we do not want you to drink or use any drugs, and this is the consequences if you do so. We're not going to mince any words. Parents, you absolutely have to have those rules for your kids, and if you are someone who's like oh, I don't know, like maybe they could drink at home or maybe they could listen, we're gonna have shows that will help you to understand why that is so incredibly dangerous for your kids. Trust us on this one now, and we're gonna talk more about why it's so important for you to make those rules.

Speaker 2 19:26

Yes, and I think the other, the other part of this is when you're, especially if you have not established family rules. As you're establishing these rules or the rules that you choose obviously we're not telling you these have to be your rules, but we hope that they help you really define your values and what you, what you want I think it's important to discuss the why. Yes, that's good. And so, as you're explaining these and establishing whatever rules you have or have or will have with your family, I think it's important to explain why, even if, even if it's as general as because we love you and we want you to be safe and we want you to, you know, reach adulthood.

Speaker 2 20:06

Yes, and responsibly and we want you to be set up to you know, take on outside of this house the things that you need to be responsible and contribute to the world. But I think it's important that they know that, that they know that we care. Yeah just about us controlling them. No isn't about we get to tell you what to do because I said so, hi, so this is really a dialogue. Include them and explain why it's so important.

Speaker 1 20:35

That's really good. That's really good and super important. So, listen, we hope that this work for you, that you got lots of really great information on rules really quickly. The eight rules be honest, treat each other with respect, respect each other's property, put away things you take out. Look for ways to be helpful and kind. Ask permission before you go. Do what parents say the first time. Don't argue with parents. And our favorite, which is no alcohol and drugs.

Speaker 2 21:03

We hope that, if you have not already established family rules, that you see the importance of it and the value in it, and that this will encourage you to have a family meeting and see what what your kids think about setting rules that will help them now and in the future. In short, making, following and regularly checking in on clear and fair family rules is key for a loving, peaceful and respectful home. Rules help grow children into responsible, thoughtful and aware adults ready for the world outside.

Family Rules for Stronger Relationships

Speaker 1 21:34

I love that. That was such a great like synoptism of what we talked about. Friends. Thank you for joining us today for our episode of Good Friends, Strong Families. We hope that chatting together, talking this out, helping you to think through what those family rules might be, really helped to bring you closer together as a family and give you some real foundation. So those are the eight rules that Dr Eamon recommends. We're going to talk in future episodes about how to enforce the rules, what to do if they break the rules, that type of thing. But we're really grateful for you for joining us today for this episode of Good Friends, Strong Families. We hope this helped you in some ways to come up with family rules that that will work for your family. Remember, every family gets to choose what those rules are. So until next time, thank you for joining us and have a great day.