Good Friends; Strong Families The Podcast
Welcome to 'Good Friends, Strong Families,' where family coaches and lifelong friends Angela and Anna, armed with over a quarter-century of combined experience, share research-backed strategies, heartwarming chats, and a dose of humor to make your family stronger, more joyful, and deeply connected. Join us in building resilient families through friendship. 🎧💪❤️
Good Friends; Strong Families The Podcast
Transforming Family Conflicts with Win-Win Solutions
Imagine a family life where disputes are resolved peacefully and everyone feels heard. On this episode of Good Friends, Strong Families, Angela and Anna promise to guide you through mastering problem-solving and win-win negotiation techniques that can transform everyday conflicts into collaborative solutions. We break down a structured seven-step approach to problem-solving, ensuring that even the smallest disagreements, like deciding who gets to use the TV, become opportunities for growth and mutual understanding. These skills are essential for both parents and children, fostering better communication and preparing kids for future interactions.
Effective parenting is more than just saying no. We highlight how embracing win-win negotiation can help build mutual respect and understanding within the family. By sharing practical examples like negotiating curfew times with teenagers, we show how understanding each other's perspectives and brainstorming solutions can lead to harmonious family dynamics. From managing screen time and chores to dealing with toddler tantrums and teenage demands, this episode covers it all. Tune in for expert insights and join our conversation on social media to share your own experiences. If you found our episode valuable, please leave us a five-star review and spread the word to your friends.
Hello and welcome to Good Friends, Strong Families, the podcast where every episode equips you with a new skill, surrounds you with support and provides actionable steps you can immediately implement in your family life. I'm Angela, and with me today is the fantastic Anna Hello, anna, hello, hello. So we're diving into something super important for all families today. This topic that we're talking about is problem solving which I think is really great for people and win-win negotiation. So these aren't just fancy whatever words. I actually call these our secret superpowers for getting things done in our house and hopefully it helps to keep family life smooth, happy, no matter who your kids are Maybe not always happy, but it's helpful, it's better.
Speaker 2:It's better, Absolutely. These skills are all about making sure that everyone in the family gets along, that they feel listened to and that the problems get solved in a way that everyone can live with.
Speaker 1:I mean yeah, or I was going to say like they're happy with, but maybe not all of us will always be happy. It's better yeah.
Speaker 2:And they're not just for sorting out the big arguments. They're for the everyday stuff too, like figuring out who gets to use the TV when, or how to share chores and responsibilities.
Speaker 1:Using this set of tools sort of together can be really big lifesavers when you've got ups and downs in your family, when you've got challenges, which is like literally every family. So it could be something like you use it for sorting out those squabbles between kids. Or if you have teens, you can use these skills to help them figure out why certain rules are in place that type of thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's not just about fixing things when they go wrong. You can use these skills to prevent a lot of arguments before they even start. Oh, I like that. We're about teaching your kids, whether they're little or almost adults, how to talk things out and come to an agreement that everyone can live with.
Speaker 1:No, I think that's a great idea. So today, what we're going to do is we're going to break these down into some manageable steps and then we're going to share some real life examples. So, friends, we'll just tell you we're actually going to give you seven steps, and we know if you're listening and you're driving and you're thinking, ah, what step are we on. So you can also find them in the show notes and you can follow the steps that way.
Speaker 2:So stay with us. Let's make family life a little easier and fun. Are you ready to dive in?
Speaker 1:I am let's get started.
Speaker 2:Okay. So let's start with problem solving. This is a structured approach to resolving issues that arise in your family life. We're going to tell you the seven steps, each critical to finding practical solutions, and then we'll explore the win-win negotiation side. So remember, this is about resolving conflicts with solutions that everyone feels good about. Good-ish. It's crucial for maintaining strong, respectful family relationship.
Speaker 1:All right. So let's tackle the seven steps, because you know, when you walk through steps, when we give you sort of those things that will help you as a family to walk through a process, the reason that that works is because it helps to train kids, but it also gives us a process to lean back on. So we're going to walk through the seven steps of problem solving and these are the things that you want to train the kids in. But you could even put this up on the wall in front of you.
Speaker 2:Well, in training kids, but also training less as parents. So here's the thing thing maybe you are already really good at this, but maybe you don't know how to break it down and explain it to your kids. Oh, that's good, or maybe you also need to learn, or maybe you've never even known that this was available to you as a tool yeah, that's really good because we're talking about solving problems.
Speaker 1:Problems come up in families. This happens all the time. This happens in my family, you know. The problem will come up and if I don't have a process for figuring out how to solve the problem or I can't walk through that process, it actually can make it give me more anxiety or I'll put my parent foot down. But we've always said this throughout our podcast, but also throughout all of our time as family coaches that we are our kids' first and best teacher. Yeah, so we have to be able to teach them some of these negotiation skills, some of these problem-solving skills, not just because it makes it more peaceful in our family, but also because it makes it easier for them when they go out into the rest of the world.
Speaker 2:Well, yeah, I was going to say I always say that our families are our first practice of living on the world. Well, yeah, I was going to say I always say that, like our families are like our first practice of like living on the earth, like, learning how we handle, communicate, relate to each other prepares us for how to communicate and relate to the other people that the other 7 billion people on our planet, right.
Speaker 1:And it's also interesting because if we can teach them how to problem solve, like, there are real steps to problem solving. We teach them how to problem solve. That's not just for, like, who gets to play with the Legos right, you know you're not going to be there forever, right? Or like, what, what time do you have to be? It's also how can I problem solve at work? How can I problem solve at school, at a friend's house? Yeah, in my other relationships. And at school At a friend's house? Yeah, in my other relationships. And so, yeah, that's really good. All right. So let's walk through the seven steps.
Speaker 1:So the very first step, believe it or not, is identify the problem. What? Yeah, I know it's shocking. So here's the thing about identifying the problem. We often think we know what the problem is, but let's say, for example, our child doesn't want to do their homework, right? One of the ways that you want to identify the problem is you want to say what is the problem from my perspective, from the child's perspective, and then, if there's somebody else like in this case, it might be like from the teacher's perspective Right, you want to identify, like, what exactly is the problem from everyone else's perspective? That's good.
Speaker 2:Then step two you're going to define how you would like things to be. So you're identifying the problem first, and then what do you want it to look like?
Speaker 1:Yeah, like I want my kid to do their homework.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because ideally, the child does their homework and they don't complain or fuss or procrastinate, right? So then step three is you're all going to brainstorm solutions, so it's not just mom or dad or the adult saying this is what you need to do. Go, sit down, do your homework. Yeah, you're going to get everybody's insight and ideas.
Speaker 1:That's really good.
Speaker 2:So it might be setting a regular homework time in that example, or maybe you're going to create a reward system or breaking homework into smaller, manageable parts.
Speaker 1:That's really good. I like that. Okay, so then, all right. So at this point, because we've come up with all of these different ideas maybe there are several different ideas that we've come up with on the table you want to evaluate the solution. So if, like, if your child says, well, the solution is I just never do homework, I mean you're like, then you have to evaluate each solution.
Speaker 1:Obviously that's not going to fly when it comes to school, and so you want to make sure that you've evaluated and think about, like, what the outcomes are and talk those through. That's actually part of the training. What would it be like if we decided it's perfectly okay for you never to do homework? What might be the outcome of that? And then, once you've kind of talked about the feasibility of all of that, then as a family you choose the best solution. This is why I was laughing in the beginning where you said, like make everybody happy, or most people, not everybody's going to. I mean, ultimately, the solution of should I do my homework is you're going to have to do it.
Speaker 2:Well, because kids can be short-sighted I mean, we can all be so what will make them happy at that moment is the not to do their homework. But that isn't really relevant if the consequences of that won't bring happiness Right.
Speaker 1:Especially when you show up without your homework to school tomorrow. Right, but I like this idea of like. Maybe it's a mix of a reward system and a structured homework schedule. So you have to have it done by a certain time and this is the reward if you get it done consistently X number of days a week. But that's all something that you're negotiating.
Speaker 2:Or it might be OK. You're going to start your homework at this time every day, but you might choose to break it up because maybe they've been sitting there for an hour and they can no longer function. That's right. Ok, take a break. We're going to break this down. We'll do it again after dinner or whatever.
Speaker 1:That's really great. No, that's really great. And then really, when you think about that, whatever it is that you decide, you decide that as a group.
Speaker 2:Right, and then you put that solution, what you've come up with, to practice, yeah, and once you've done it, for maybe a week or two, depending on what the situation is, but we're using homework, right, so maybe you put that homework schedule to practice for two weeks and then you can see, hey, did this work? So you've assigned the tasks, they've done it. This work, so you've assigned the tasks, they've done it. You maybe are the homework monitor. Yeah, they are the ones responsible for getting their homework out. You've set a timeline and then the final step is review that solution. Yeah, did it work? Or do we need to tweak?
Speaker 1:it. That's really good, because I'm thinking in terms of there was a when I was doing a lot of work one time for school for myself, when I was working and going to school. One of the things when I was doing a lot of work one time for school for myself, when I was working and going to school. One of the things when I was in college, one of the things that we were taught is the Pomodoro method, and this is really fun. Friends, if you are not familiar with this, it essentially is a timer. You're literally setting a timer and you can look it up. We'll put it in the show notes, but the idea here is that, for example, in this example, you might come back and say the solution didn't quite work as well as we thought, and so it's okay to come the middle of a very busy kitchen with everyone out. You know, like there are some things that maybe it's not working. Maybe in this solution, we maybe need to change some things in order to make it work for them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's what I get, and these seven steps. This gives us a path we can walk down the path. You can use the seven steps for solving really almost any problem you face in your family. So it could be like little day-to-day issues. It could be something really big, but the idea here is A we're teaching them, we're helping them to learn how to do it. B everybody who needs to be involved is involved and has a voice. Yes, it's not just about us saying, hey, here's what you're going to do, but it's us working together. The other thing, friends, this is the other thing that happens sometimes we think about. We talk about this a lot as parents, we could parent hard, you know, go sit your butt down and get it done. We could parent hard and we're going to get some outcomes that way. But we also have to think. Long-term outcomes, yeah, and we want to think are we teaching them? Are we training them? And this kind of thinking through it's going to take more from us.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but the outcomes that they're going to be more likely to do what they need to do we're going to stay in a deeper relationship with them and we're going to get the outcomes that we want over time. That is going to take a little more effort on the front end.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely. It's such an important point. It's about collaboration, when we can work together as families to solve problems. It strengthens our bonds and we've talked about bonding a lot on this podcast but kids are learning these valuable skills like empathy, communication and compromise Skills that will serve them well even outside of our homes, outside of our family. Yes, and that's where the win-win negotiation really shines, because it's teaching us that conflicts don't always have to have winners and losers. It's not just about getting my way or the highway Right, right, right. I love that. We're building mutual respect and understanding by focusing on solutions that we can all live with. So let's say, your teenager wants to extend their curfew. The first step is to understand each other's positions and reasons. Your teen wants more social time that's true. You're concerned about safety, also true.
Speaker 1:So that actually brings us to this place of like brainstorming solutions, because we have to think about are there ways that they can get more of what they want but we also get what we want, right? So maybe it is, you know, maybe we do extend their curfew, um, but they are getting a ride home from their friend's parent, like we don't want to be so hard that we say this is what your curfew time is. Be home at this time when it could have. Just if we'd extended it, it could be just as safe and maybe even safer, right, and they're getting a little bit more autonomy, getting a little bit more independence.
Speaker 2:So it's important using win win negotiation will help us to get a little bit closer to that that's exactly it, and then, whatever you agree to, you want to formalize it and make sure that everybody has clarity. We want to avoid misunderstandings and this also shows mutual respect by allowing them to prove to you that they can be trustworthy, instead of assuming that it's unsafe or not going to be your worst nightmare.
Speaker 1:Right, and we're not going to put our kids in the worst situations possible. We not going to be what your worst nightmare? Right, and we would not. You know, we're not going to put our kids in the worst situations possible. We are going to ensure that their safety, that they understand, we understand, of course we're going to do that. But you know, this goes back to remember when our kids were younger and we used to talk about this idea of saying no all the time. Remember when you were younger? I was literally just thinking about that, how we used to say all the time, when we would tell our kids no all the time, and you and I used to talk about this where we'd say I feel like I'm always saying no, I don't want to always be the no parent. Yeah, no-transcript, it's not really going to always get to the worst outcome possible, right?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I've had a few situations recently where you know like kids put you on the spot and they ask you for something and you're like OK. And so one of the one of the things I learned back then and I've probably gotten a little bit better about implementing it is, instead of just immediately saying no is we'll either let me think about that or let me talk with your dad and we will discuss it and then we'll get back to you.
Speaker 1:My favorite is when the kids are like do you really need to talk to dad? And I'm like, oh, because you think you'll say no.
Speaker 2:But yeah, I think, now that my kids are a little bit older, having them know that, like when they want something to change or things have changed, they can come and ask, and they've learned the hard way that way. You know, some people think it's better to ask for forgiveness instead of permission, but they've done that before and it did not work out well.
Speaker 1:No, not work though oh, I forgive you, but there are consequences they, they dealt with those consequences.
Speaker 2:And so now, um, seeing the maturity in them to ask yeah, um, it's been really good. I mean, we were able to establish like OK, what do you want from this experience? What do we want from this for you as your parents? Ok, let's come up with some guidelines and we'll see how it goes.
Speaker 1:One of my favorite days was when our youngest this was years ago when he first heard about win-win negotiation and then he started using it on a number and he's like, could this be a win-win moment? And I'm like, okay, let's hear what you've got. And then I kept thinking this kid's going to be an attorney. I swear, all right, let's talk about this across different ages as we're wrapping up this topic, because we want to make sure folks know that you can actually start. You know it could be about helping kids who have minor disputes. If you've got a younger child at home, maybe they are not sharing or you know you can help them use this with minor disputes. The more you can put tools in when they're younger that you can then use later on, the easier it will be. But you can also use this. We've talked about this in terms of like you know what time they come home, but this could be about completing chores. This could be about any number of things. Screen time.
Speaker 2:Cleaning up little kids like cleaning up the toys, yes, having them see the value in why they want a clean space or why they don't want to step on toys or get broken or lost. And then, yeah, we've talked about several teenage examples. So, to wrap up, problem solving and win-win negotiation are invaluable tools, Seriously seriously. They help navigate all the things from toddler tantrums to teenage negotiations of the things we'd love is to hear from all of you.
Speaker 1:Please comment, engage with us. We're really grateful that you listen to good friends, strong families. We're really here to support your journey to a stronger, more connected family. So if you enjoyed today's episode, please leave us a five-star review and share it with a friend. You can join the conversation with us on our instance. Yes, um, um, um um um, um, um um um, um, um.