Good Friends; Strong Families The Podcast
Welcome to 'Good Friends, Strong Families,' where family coaches and lifelong friends Angela and Anna, armed with over a quarter-century of combined experience, share research-backed strategies, heartwarming chats, and a dose of humor to make your family stronger, more joyful, and deeply connected. Join us in building resilient families through friendship. 🎧💪❤️
Good Friends; Strong Families The Podcast
The Transformative Power of Forgiveness in Families
Can forgiveness transform your family's emotional health? On this episode of Good Friends, Strong Families, Angela and Anna unpack the remarkable power of forgiveness in nurturing healthier family dynamics. We examine how harboring resentment can elevate stress levels and undermine your well-being, while learning to forgive can offer emotional liberation and healing. Drawing insights from the Strengthening Families program, we provide actionable steps to cultivate forgiveness—not as a means of excusing harm, but as a way to free yourself from the chains of anger and pain. We also highlight the crucial role of teaching children to both seek and grant forgiveness, emphasizing its impact on their emotional development and the overall harmony of family life.
Dive into the nuances of making a sincere apology and maintaining open lines of communication within your family. We break down the anatomy of a heartfelt apology, from acknowledging one's mistakes to offering meaningful amends, alongside emphasizing the importance of empathy and positive practices for children. Learn how to approach someone for an apology and navigate conflicts with grace, while understanding your own emotional triggers. As we conclude, we urge you to prioritize relationships over the need to be right and welcome your stories on teaching forgiveness in your own families. Tune in for a thoughtful conversation that underscores the transformative potential of forgiveness in enriching family bonds.
Me.
Speaker 2:Me. Hello and welcome to Good Friends, strong Families, the podcast, where every episode equips you with a new skill, surrounds you with support and provides actionable steps you can immediately implement in your family life. I am Angela and, as always, I'm joined by my co-host, anna. Hello. Today we're going to delve into the transformative power of forgiveness and family relationships. This is a critical topic and we have to understand the what, the why and the how so that our families can be resilient and connected.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, okay.
Speaker 2:Well, let me start this off with a fact, and I think this fact is really intriguing because it's going to help us to set up why forgiveness is so important. And then also we'll talk about some schools, some tools for how you can get forgiveness in your family. So here's our intriguing fact If you hold on to resentment, it actually can increase your cortisol level and that's a stress hormone. So if you're holding on to that cortisol level, if it's increased, it can actually damage your health.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean we want to be healthy, right? So when we live unforgiving, we're basically just constantly reliving the pain and you're keeping your body in that stress state. It's like holding on to a hot coal with the intention of throwing it at somebody else, but you're the one that gets burned.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we've heard that before, and I think that's one of the reasons why we need to figure out how we're going to give up that desire for vengeance and retribution in, and replace it with, healing. Yeah, yeah, that's really good.
Speaker 1:It really allows yourself to be free from that emotional pain and resentment that you're carrying as a result of someone else's offensive or harmful behavior. But you want to feel a sense of freedom and peace, so we've got to connect with that instead, and I think forgiveness. Ultimately, it's a choice, so we can choose to forgive if we've been wronged, even if that other person doesn't even know that they hurt us even if that other person doesn't even know that they heard us.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's really good. This is a trainable skill. When you and I, as family coaches, we talked a lot about this and a lot of this material that we're going to talk about today. This isn't about us. It's not about us saying the other person didn't do anything to me, right, and even if it doesn't matter what we're talking about, we're talking about little things. We're talking about bigger things. We're talking about our kids or our partners or our friends. It's not that they didn't do something. It's that we, personally, we're going to make the choice to choose health, happiness and well-being. Most of what we're going to talk about today, most of the skills, come from the Strengthening Families program that Janie Brown and Dr Carol Comfort created, and we're hoping, friends, that these will help you to move forward into forgiveness yourself and then to also train your kids regularly in the things that they need to learn to forgive.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so first I want to talk about what forgiveness is. Yeah, so forgiveness is a willingness to give up the anger and pain caused by the offense so that you can feel peace. So again, you hold the power.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And I think that oftentimes, when we've been wronged, we feel that that power was taken from us. Right, somebody else did this to me, right? But you can start forgiveness with yourself. Yeah, it's also a gift of freedom that, again, you're doing for yourself. Yeah, so it's not something that you're doing for the other person. It's like you said, it's not excusing what they did, not saying that it was okay. Most likely it was not okay. That's why you're hurt. That's right. But you can give yourself a gift, the gift of freedom.
Speaker 2:That's really good. And again, go back to that, what you were talking about when you were talking about that hot coal. If you're not forgiving, then you're holding on to that hot coal. I want to throw it at the other person, but I'm getting burned in the process. So let's talk a little bit more about what forgiveness is.
Speaker 2:This is about taking back power. Gives us power over our own life. Someone else, some other offense does not have power over us. It helps us to take responsibility for how we feel, so we can name how we feel, we can frame the situation, we can release someone else from the power over us. And then also it talks. It helps us to talk about our own healing in real, tangible ways, so that the discussion isn't about what they did to hurt us, but we can use words of healing and health and kindness towards ourselves. And this is really all about training. We're going to train ourselves into forgiveness. We're again not saying that what they did was right and we're not saying that they don't have to make amends. In some ways, this becomes really important when we're talking about our kiddos, because if we're teaching our kids to seek forgiveness, they may also have to make it right, but they also are going to have to seek forgiveness. They may also have to make it right, but they also are going to have to seek forgiveness. So that's really good.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and remember it's a way to gain control over your feelings. So I know that some things maybe have hurt me in the past, right, and I think I've let them go. But to me, forgiveness is like a continual vision, right. So sometimes we are reminded of things that have hurt us and we kind of lose that sense of control again. And so this by living a forgiving lifestyle, we can say, nope, that hurt me in the past, I'm not going to let it hurt me anymore, I'm going to take that back, I'm going to control my feelings. And forgiveness is really a tool to improve our health, like you're talking about physical, but obviously it impacts our mental and emotional health as well. So the key that allows us to no longer be a victim is forgiveness, and it's a choice that we can make, that everyone can make.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and so here's the thing. So people might be listening and they're like, well, why should I even, why should I even think about forgiving the other person? It might be somebody that you know I want them to, I want to get back at them. You know I want them to, I want to get back at them. Well, again, this just goes back to we don't want our cortisol levels to constantly be raised. That actually really is damaging to our health and that it robs us of our joy. We're not able to accomplish goals because of that. So we need to move past whatever that hurt is.
Speaker 1:Well, and whenever I'm having a moment like that where it's like I'm still hurting or whatever, sometimes I have to give myself a little reality check and think about you know what People have had to forgive me, and sometimes I've. I've hurt people and I didn't intend to hurt them. That's right. I didn't want to hurt them. Maybe it was a reaction, maybe I didn't think what I did was hurtful, but that's how they received it. And I don't know if you've ever been told, like five years ago you did this and it hurt me and you were like shocked.
Speaker 2:Like people can like. So we want to walk out that that lifestyle from both ends. I literally had somebody say to me one day who I thought we hadn't I mean, we weren't like the best of friends, but I thought we had a cordial relationship and she literally sort of cornered me one day and said I just want to let you know that I'm learning to forgive you. I said, oh my God, of course, like I really had no idea, and she went on to tell me a story about how I had offended her. I actually remembered the situation and I had absolutely zero malice in my heart at the point that that had happened. I didn't even know she felt that way and here it had been years and years later where she was holding on to something. Now for us, listen, that's not always going to be that way. That's an unusual situation.
Speaker 2:I do want to say what forgiveness isn't. Yeah, it is not saying that whatever that person did is OK, right, it is not excusing bad behavior and, as a parenting adult, we still need to deal with the bad behavior. There are still consequences. We still need to deal with the bad behavior. There are still consequences. It's not minimizing either of the hurt that we feel or thinking that we have to give up those feelings. It's not releasing them from making amends if that's what the person needs to do, or forgetting about it. It's not even a gift to them. It's actually a gift to us.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely yeah, and I think why this is so crucial in, like, the context of families right, because that's kind of what we're here to talk about is healthy, strong families yeah Is within your family dynamic, within your home, people are going to do stuff that hurt other people, and again, intentionally or unintentionally, and so if we want to have strong relationships, we can't let that like fester, right, we've got to let those things go. So how do we do that? Okay, because when you forgive, you're choosing to free yourself from that hurt or anger. So you've got to put aside some painful memories, hard feelings, desire for revenge. Focus on the positive present, not the painful past. And sometimes that past was five seconds ago, sometimes it was five years ago. So steps to forgiveness One, accept that life is often painful and unfair and we don't always get what we hope for, but we don't have to continue to suffer emotional pain from past hardships or losses so we can recognize that thoughts create feelings.
Speaker 1:So if you frequently think on hurts or losses, you will continue to feel sad. That's exactly right. So you can control that and you are ultimately responsible for your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. So again, reiterating forgiveness is a gift to yourself.
Speaker 2:I like that, though, because what you're saying is think about the things that are good. Yeah, that is the very first. You know. I'm thinking about how, like, we may have hurts with people in our family, and maybe you're really angry at a sibling or you're really angry at a parent the very first thing does that mean. You know obviously goes without saying doesn't mean that what they did was right.
Speaker 2:And listen, friends, before we go any further, I just want to say, if there are some egregious things that people have done to you in your life and you absolutely need to go and speak to a counselor or you know like, please do that for yourself, for your kids, for your family, for your health, for your well-being, you know, and if there are things that are illegal or immoral people have done to you and there needs to be consequence for that, please seek the right authorities. That is not what we're talking about. We're talking about those simple hurts, that one that we have hurt one another, that sometimes we hold on to, and we want to teach our kids not to hold on to those things with one another yeah, we, we, we have to decide to give up the desire for punishment or getting even.
Speaker 1:yeah, how many times have little kids been like, well, she hit me first or I'll get this right? So this is just one of those ways that we can implement like, nope they, if they wronged you. How many times have we heard it Two wrongs don't make it right, but you can decide that you will no longer spend time thinking or feeling upset about that experience.
Speaker 2:It's really good.
Speaker 1:Make the choice to focus your thoughts on feeling grateful If you feel safe to do so. You can explain to the person what they did. Yeah, Maybe you want to do that verbally. Maybe you need to write it down. I love that.
Speaker 1:But, if it's something that, like we've talked about this before too like there are people who, they are fine, processing within themselves and coming to the conclusion that they are ready to forgive and let go. Other situations or other people want the chance to talk it out, and so, if both of those, I think, are viable options, I don't think it has to be one or the other. I don't think you have to hash everything out, but you may need to or you may want to. But, however that goes, you can decide to forgive, no matter what the other person's response is.
Speaker 2:I also like this idea this is a really good one that they say in the curriculum. They say to rewrite your mental script of what happened so you can become the hero in your story by overcoming difficulties. And really what you're doing is you're turning the trial into something good and instead of remaining a victim and that could be a very simple thing that you're doing it could be some, you know, maybe you're the hero in the bigger story. But ultimately, the more we see ourselves as overcoming those little offenses, those little arguments that we have, coming together as a family, forgiving one another, I think if we are not saying I'm sorry, as parenting adults, if we're not apologizing, if we're not saying, hey, there are things that I do as a parenting adult, let me apologize first. Oh yeah, then our kids are never going to do that, but I'm not OK, so tell us a little bit about that. So how, exactly, as a parenting adult, do we learn to apologize? What are some of the ways that you apologize?
Speaker 1:Yeah. So first off, I think it's important to just capitalize on what you said, that we, as what are some of the age, we can start showing that, that communication, that relational part of it, Because if you want to have a strong relationship we've got to communicate.
Speaker 2:When somebody does something that you know hurts our feelings, we can say you know, you didn't mean to and I forgive you, or you could even say it and you might not want to say well, you hurt my feelings, maybe you don't want to give them the power. You could say what you said could be hurtful or was hurtful, so that they can see that they have action. It helps to develop empathy, yeah.
Speaker 1:So we're going to talk now about two things. Number one how to apologize Yep. And then number two, how to ask for an apology. That's good. Now, again, I want to say forgiveness in and of itself. You can do without these steps, you can. If you have hurts past, present, you can go ahead and let them go and you can choose to forgive. But as a family, these are great tools to again like, try to keep the resentment out of the relationship. So how to apologize? Number one admit you did something wrong. Yes, that's simple, Right off the bat. Number two acknowledge that what you did or said was hurtful, even if it wasn't intentional.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:It doesn't have to be your version of it. You need to listen and understand that they said it hurt.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I need to fix it.
Speaker 1:Three express sincere remorse. We have all heard a witness and probably participated in Sorry, fine, I'm sorry, yeah. So we don't want to do those just placating sorries. We want to be sincere. We also want to commit that we won't do or say it again. If we know something bothers somebody, we want to commit to not do that again, with a healthy dose of grace. We have to learn and process and it takes time. Number five express our willingness to make amends. So if your wrongdoing was breaking something or using something without permission and now it needs to be replaced or returned or repaired, those are physical things, but even like emotionally, like you know, what can I do? Yeah, ask me that question. Ok, so I'm going to give you an example. I'm sorry, I yelled at you for spilling your juice during breakfast. I'm sure that offended or hurt you. I feel badly about it. What can I do to make it up to you?
Speaker 2:That's really good. I like the idea, too, of that positive practice. You know, when you think about how we talk about positive practice as if you didn't do it the first time, try it again, and so what you could do with your kids is, if they don't understand why, you can actually help to talk it out. Talk out what exactly did they do or say that caused the hurt. This is really great for kids when they have trouble at school, because then you can help them to be empathetic with other kids. Yeah, so then the last thing we're going to talk about is how to ask for an apology. So this becomes really important when somebody else has hurt you in the family. We also want to be able to communicate when we have been hurt. So the very first thing is just to clarify in your mind how and why you feel. Hurt Helps us to think through why did that hurt me? Why did that push my button? Write it down Confession.
Speaker 1:I have done that and sometimes I've come to the conclusion that I don't need to ask for an apology because it was my problem.
Speaker 2:I love that you said that, because here's the second step. The second step is examine yourself. Are there things about you? Are there things that cause that to happen? Doesn't mean the other person doesn't apologize, or me but, but what? But you have to be able to examine. Why did that hurt your heart, right? Yeah, that's really good. And then the third thing if it's safe, you can calmly talk to the person privately.
Speaker 2:I would also say when we say safe, we also mean like, not in the heat of the moment. I don't want to make this worse, so let's calm. There's this 30 minute window. When people are upset, that it actually takes for their emotions to calm down enough that they can hold a coherent conversation. So if you're in an argument with somebody, don't chase them into the room. If they're walking away, let them have that 30 minutes. A couple of things about what not to do as we're closing up today. Don't deny that there was a problem. Don't minimize the other person's feelings. Don't justify your hurtful behavior. Try not to become offended. Don't be so easily offended by things if you can, and absolutely never be too prideful to apologize, regardless of who you are in the city.
Speaker 1:Remember that relationships are more important than being right.
Speaker 2:That's so good and a great way to end it. All right, friends, listen. If you enjoyed today's episode, please leave us a five-star review. Share it with a friend. We also want to hear your thoughts on today's topic. How do you practice forgiveness in your family? What are some of the methods that have helped you to teach this skill to your kids? As always, stay safe out there. Have a great day, and I'm going to be a maniac.
Speaker 1:I'm going to be a maniac.
Speaker 2:I'm going to be a maniac.