Water Or Weed In Your Family?

What are you growing in your family right now?

In this episode, we use a simple but powerful idea—“water or weed”—to talk about how everyday parenting choices shape the culture of your home. Because just like a garden, what you give attention to grows… and what you ignore or allow can quietly take over.

We dig into what this looks like in real life:

•  Why kids repeat behaviors that get attention (even negative ones) 
•  How we sometimes accidentally “water” the behaviors we don’t want 
•  The power of noticing and reinforcing the good—on purpose 
•  How to correct behavior without feeding it 
•  And how small family routines can build stronger, more connected relationships 

We also talk about how to reset when your family feels off—whether that’s more arguing, complaining, or just feeling disconnected—and how to start again from where you are right now.

Because strong families don’t happen by accident.
 They grow—one habit, one conversation, and one moment of attention at a time.

Transcript

Spring Reset For Family Habits

SPEAKER_02 0:17

Greetings, everyone. Welcome to our podcast. Good friends, strong families. I'm Angela. And I'm Anna. And today we're talking about what are you growing in your family? This is a good conversation to have because where we are and the time of year we're recording this, it is getting ready to be spring. It's not quite there yet, but it's getting ready to be spring. And this is really the time where people start thinking about planting. Are you a gardener, Anna? No. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 0:49

I do go out every spring and weed my backyard because there's areas where the water, once it starts raining, all that stuff comes up. And so I have to do that a few times to get everything. Um, so I I I will try to clear the weeds in the yard. Um, every once in a while we'll we'll decide to plant a few new things. Well, that's nice. But yeah, I don't flowers had great aspirations at one point in my life to have a garden. And some things you just have to let go.

SPEAKER_02 1:23

Right. I like that. I like that as an idea. Well, I I plant things. I mostly plant flowers, and I only plant them like in like flower boxes on my porch because I like to look at that one sitting there. Um, and I like the way that, you know, so I'll plant that, and um, my husband will plant more vegetables, fruits and vegetables kinds of things. So we eat really good, but I also get to look at some pretty flowers. Yes, I love that. Here's the good thing about today's topic because when you're planting, you there are several stages to it. One is you want to like prep the ground, then you also want to like plant good seeds or like, you know, put the cute little plants in or whatever. Um, but then also you have to weed out some of the weeds. You don't want them to choke out the really good flowers or plants or whatever. So today's topic is water or weed. What are you growing in your family?

SPEAKER_00 2:16

Yes, I love it. Sometimes, um, like you just kind of mentioned, some things just grow. Like I said, I have to weed out my yard. I do nothing to I do I do not plant weeds, but they grow with some paying attention. They will take over the stuff that we want. And so we we do have to pay attention. And it's a really great simple parenting principle as where, as well, what you water grows. And um, what you don't water and what you don't, you know, um attention to. Yeah. And so we just want to use this kind of springtime, reset time, fresh start, all the cliche spring things, right? All the spring, spring things. We can be really intentional with our families in this time too. And it's a really great time to just kind of refocus and think about um, you know, what what are we spending our time on? What are we focusing on? What are we giving our energy to? What are we watering?

SPEAKER_02 3:22

So that's so

Attention As Fertilizer For Behavior

SPEAKER_02 3:24

good. Well, okay, so speaking about watering, here's something really interesting. This is a really funny thing is that sometimes parents end up watering things that they don't actually want. So I think when you think about that in terms of behaviors, because that's really what we're talking about. We're talking about habits, we're talking about behaviors, you know, those things that um happen consistently in a family. But a lot of times we are just reacting rather than being really intentional, intentionable. We're just gonna use that as a word today. Uh intentional, rather than being really intentional about watering the things that we want, we often spend the most time reacting to the things that we don't want, like whining, arguing, uh, back talk, complaining. And what happens then is it takes so much of our time and attention that we're gen we're really are watering those things and we're essentially fertilizing them with our attention.

SPEAKER_00 4:22

Yeah, if those behaviors get uh get all of or the majority of our attention, our attention becomes the fertilizer and it just breeds more of what we don't actually want. And we've we know this on some level, right? Um, it's kind of like the media knows this, right? Any attention is is better than no attention. So it's like and and this isn't a new concept, but uh again, using this time to kind of reset and reevaluate what kind of behaviors have we been seeing the majority of. Well, why are we do why are we seeing so much complaining? Or we're allowing it or we're feeding it, we're engaging with it. And so um using this time to kind of have a little reset and say, no, I don't want to reinforce that. What because what gets reinforced gets repeated. And so if arguing gets attention, arguing grows.

SPEAKER_01 5:14

Right.

SPEAKER_00 5:14

And so uh, you know, if a child's complaining about cleaning their room and the parent argue back argues back, and you have like this 10-minute debate about socks on the floor, the kid's like, I just got 10 minutes of my mom's time focused on me. Woo-hoo. Yes, and it doesn't matter to them if it's negative, right? And really did we even notice that they completed their homework without any prompting?

SPEAKER_01 5:42

Did that or here's something even better? What about of the other kid that did their homework?

SPEAKER_00 5:47

Right, right. So we've we've gotta be aware. We kind of gotta sit back and say, okay, what are we what is what are we feeling in our home right now? What kind of behavior is taking the

Noticing The Good On Purpose

SPEAKER_00 6:04

spotlight?

SPEAKER_02 6:05

It just reminds me of the story when I was younger, uh, probably multiple stories when I was a kid. And I had a sibling who was constantly getting in trouble. And I actually remember, I just now remind reminded me of a time that just one of many that I felt like so much of the spotlight and attention was on my sibling because they were always in trouble, and how it felt very lonely because no one was paying attention to the things that I was doing at all, never mind right or wrong. And so I did consider a couple of times, hmm, if I did this, then I could get that attention too. And so it does, it does beg the question in a family are you fertilizing the thing that's needing the net your negative attention to the detriment of the things that needed our positive attention.

SPEAKER_00 7:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:04

Well, speaking of attention, um, this is something that I hear all the time, and I know you do too, because we're both uh family coaches. But I when a parent says to us, I don't know why my kid argues so much, that really solves the problem of why that happened. Because if you if we watch, and we'll see this all the time in our class, where we'll see the interaction happening, then the argument becomes a conversation, a negotiation, sometimes a full-length courtroom drama. The behavior is a stage, an audience, a spotlight. And really, it's because kids are really incredibly smart learners. Yeah, they are. Yeah. Yeah. Listen to this. I found this, I thought this was really good. This was Albert Bandura's social learning theory. I thought this was really interesting. It explains that children learn behaviors through observation and reinforcement. So they repeat what works. If it works for them, then they're gonna repeat it. If complaining gets a reaction, complaining becomes a strategy.

SPEAKER_00 8:10

Yeah, that's, I mean, that is definitely something that we need to be aware of. If we are, if we ever make a statement like the one that you just said, my kid always does fill in the blank.

SPEAKER_01 8:24

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 8:25

That is that is letting us know we need to step back and say, we're seeing this regularly, consistently, and we don't like it, but we keep seeing it. So why is that? And then we need to kind of walk ourselves back through and go and and really think about all the times that that's happening. And were we busy? Were we in the middle of something? And then this this behavior pops up. So really our kid is asking us for attention. And and that's the way they get it, right?

SPEAKER_01 8:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:00

So I mean, it could be anything. Uh we we just have to really be aware of what we're reinforcing and focus on what we want to see. And and this is one of the first skills that we learn in strength and in the strengthening families program, and it really was a mind shift for me. I feel like I grew up being really good at no criticizing, noticing all the things that are wrong, out of place, or whatever. And that's because that was reinforced throughout my life, right? Um, I still could probably teach a class like pointing up all the way things people do things wrong, right? Because that was so embedded in into just my life. And so when it when I was taught the look for and compliment the good, it was at a time where I was very overwhelmed as a parent. And I was just like, I don't know if I can find anything good. And so it was retraining my brain. And I had to look for it. And I think sometimes we just kind of let things happen. And then again, we notice the things that are out of place, the things that people are doing wrong. Um, and so switching gears and saying, I'm gonna look, even if it's just the smallest thing, right? Like, oh, thank you for you know giving that toy to your sister, or thank you for putting your clothes in the like any little thing. And obviously that's gonna, you know, depending on how old your kids are and whatnot, and hopefully you're better at this than I was. Um, but acknowledging that because I think it's so easy to take those things for granted. And I think sometimes as moms um and as a stay-at-home mom, I just those everyday things that you're doing are just almost like taken for granted. And so it's easy to do that in the in the people in your home as well. It's just like, well, of course they picked up their clothes, they're supposed to, but again, we want to water and reinforce the good. And so we have to be the first, sometimes we have to be the first ones to do that.

SPEAKER_02 11:20

Well, here's something interesting, and I think that's really been the strength of the discussions that you and I have had because we raised our kids very differently in a lot of ways. You were home with the kids, I was on the road all the time. You know what I mean? Like, so when I noticed the good, and and yet both of us, I would say, had um not only our own real challenges with raising our kids, but our own real successes. So both of those areas we've always maintained, you and I have always maintained that the thing that you need, besides God and partner, but the thing that you need in order to raise your kids and to help you to see what some of those challenges could be and how you could, you know, impact them is you need a good friend. We've said that right from the beginning. Somebody who supports you, loves your family, um, that kind of thing. And so I think that that's why this whole idea of noticing the good is really important because I wasn't always home to notice the good all the time. To be to notice the good meant that I had to be very strategic about the good. So I had to, for example, when I was traveling, and I didn't travel all the time, and really we were really very blessed where um, in particular, our youngest, but our some of our kids, as they were, you know, older, um, but in particular, our youngest actually was able to come so many places with us. But I also had a mix of kids and stepkids, and so noticing the good sometimes meant that I would have to find out in discussion what the good was.

SPEAKER_00 12:54

Right.

SPEAKER_02 12:54

So I had to really be more intentional about um using language that was, oh, you did that on your math. That is amazing. Whoa, you got that. Um, you got that uh student of the month award. That's terrific, you know what I mean? Or um I noticed that you didn't argue with your brother when he started taking your toys. So you have to be a little bit more, you know, I I would have to find it in conversation. But this is so powerful. And here's what I love about this. You know, we say that all the time, kids are constantly experimenting with behavior. But one of the reasons why our noticing is so important is because it's a brain hack. Yeah, I love that. So when a parent or a parenting adult compliments a child, and there are like specific things you want to do, like you want to notice it as soon as you can, or as soon as it happens, or as soon as you learn about it. Yeah, exactly. You want to tell them exactly what they did right, like name it, say it out loud. I'll give you an example in a moment. You want to give us a kid-centered reason why that was a good thing that they did. And then you want to add a gentle touch to it, you know what I mean? So, what that would look like in practice is Anna, I'm so happy that you did your homework as soon as you got home from school today. Because you did that, you and I are gonna be able to watch our favorite show tonight after dinner. That's amazing. And then you get a hug or a pat or a high thigh or whatever. And what that does is phenomenal. Because you care about what I have to say, and I am as my child, and I did follow that kind of pattern. What happens is in your brain, your brain releases feel-good chemicals when I've done that, so that the next time you come home from school and it's time to do homework, your brain remembers how good it felt, and you're more likely to do your homework. Why wouldn't you use that?

SPEAKER_00 15:02

Exactly. Exactly. And and you're just furthering the connection that you have with that child. So I I love that. Like I said, that's it's why it's one of those first things that we teach in our strengthening families program. And it was a huge for me, it was just so impactful because it changed the things that I focused on. Because again, it was so easy for me to like notice the the negative, but it really helped train my brain to recognize the good, no matter how small, no matter how small. Nothing is too small or insignificant to acknowledge when it's the right behavior that we want to water.

SPEAKER_02 15:39

That's so

Pulling Weeds Without Feeding Them

SPEAKER_02 15:40

good. Okay, but we do sometimes have to pull the weeds because there are, you know, just like our garden gets weeds, our families do too. And I was sharing with you um earlier today how families have weeds too. For example, in our family, I don't know if it's like the season we're in or um maybe we're overworked or whatever it is. Sometimes as a family in the past, we've gotten like kind of complainy. You know what I mean? Like we like take on that personality as like the complaining people. And it makes us look like we're really ungrateful, but it also makes us feel that way. You know what I mean? Like reason for us to do that. So sometimes in every family, there are weeds that start to pop up. And because it almost becomes like the culture of your family, those weeds are a little bit harder to pull because somebody has to decide we're not gonna do this anymore. Somebody has to, you know, um, start looking at those like communication boulders that are in the way or those like habits that we have as a family. And in our families, there might be weeds we need to pull, but also there might be weeds that need to be pulled in our kids.

SPEAKER_00 16:53

Right. Individually, like bad habits, I guess is one way to say it. And how you have to really be, I feel like we use this word all the time, but intentional, but also strategic because we've just talked about how what we give attention to grows. And so how do we address and acknowledge and hold each other accountable for these bad habits without continually feeding and watering those bad habits?

SPEAKER_01 17:22

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 17:22

And so those you really, and again, depending on the age and the habit specifically, um, having that family discussion if if you have a spouse being on the same page first together and then going to the family as a group or to that kid individually and saying, Hey, we've, you know, we've really taken this time to kind of address that, like, gosh, we've we've allowed this to happen. Like, take the responsibility as a parent because you are in charge of your home. We've allowed this. We um, you know, maybe I was overwhelmed at work or just, you know, life's been busy. And I just realized that we've allowed this uh habit, this behavior to occur and we don't like it because of X, Y, and Z, it's disrespectful. It's but also because we know it's not good for you. It doesn't feel good to always be the one that's complaining. It doesn't feel good to feel ungrateful and feel like, you know, that that doesn't feel good for us. It doesn't feel good for the kid. And so we um we really want to address this and we want to help you switch it into something positive. And so come up with a plan and accountability and ask them how they feel and ask them, you know, as you progress and help them walk through that, keep checking in with them because again, I'm telling you, like Angela was talking about the power of like those compliments and how it kind of rewires the brain to want more of that. The kid's gonna feel that and gonna feel like, yeah, when I like you kind of just get in this loop. And it doesn't feel good when you're stuck in that loop.

SPEAKER_02 18:57

It doesn't, and sometimes I'm I'm just encouraging us as parents, and if you're listening and you're like, oh, I have gotten into that like yelling or name calling or like whatever that is. I, you know, there's absolutely nothing wrong with our kids. In fact, it's healthy for our kids to see us make mistakes and come out of them. Yeah, you know what I mean? Make it right, apologize. Those are really important skills that we teach our kids. They actually, you know, we try and teach them, but some of those are caught more than they're taught. We want them to see us when we make mistakes to change that and to to you know do something else. So it is a little bit for us as well, but then there are things that they're just gonna naturally do. Like, I don't know how you feel about this, Anna, but I'm not a fan of eye rolling. Yeah, yeah, I'm not a fan of eye rolling. And so, but my husband, he couldn't care less. He used to yell when the kids would roll their eyes, he'd yell, Land Shark! I'm like, I can do it right now. Because I I hated it. And so I think that's part of the reason why you said, like, get with your partner, figure out like what do you want or not want in our family, you know what I mean? Like what's gonna be okay or not? And get on the same page about some of that stuff. If it doesn't bother you, but it bothers your partner, just support your partner, you know, is really right.

SPEAKER_00 20:18

But and I think it's important to communicate why, like that feels disrespectful. It feels like you are um, I'm can't think of the word, but just dismissive. It feels very dismissive, like you you're brushing me off. I don't feel understood, I don't feel like you're listening and and really hearing me. Um, if you could put your thoughts into words, maybe I could receive and maybe we can get somewhere. But if you're just rolling your eyes at me, you're really closing down communication because it feels like you don't even want to listen to what I have to say.

SPEAKER_02 20:52

And then that's exactly what I was thinking of earlier when you were when you were talking about how you have to give them the information. You actually, because there are some behaviors that you can ignore, right? Like, yeah, and we teach that in strengthening families. There are behaviors that you can ignore those behaviors and they will go away. In other words, you don't have to pick them apart, every single bad behavior or every single like lazy behavior or whatever. You have to choose your moment. Um, but I like when you talk about how you you do that, but you first have to communicate what that is.

unknown 21:25

Right.

SPEAKER_02 21:26

So you I if if you're just walking around ignoring your kid all the time, but they have no idea why. How you I I've heard you say this before. You how do you say it when you're talking about whining? Like I don't hear whining. How do you say that to them?

SPEAKER_00 21:39

I I can't understand that that voice. If you could communicate more clearly, I could hear you better and maybe understand you better. Um yeah, I just feel like I your my brain like kind of shuts down when you speak like that.

SPEAKER_02 21:57

Yeah, when you use that whining voice. And I think that's a Okay, once you say, like when you're when you clearly say I I cannot hear or I will not hear you when you're whining, I want you to speak to me respectfully and with a calm and clear voice. Then the next time, and then you say if you do speak like that, then I won't, I won't listen to your communication. Please change the way that you're communicating. From then on, you're perfectly, it's perfectly fine to ignore when they're whining. You've already communicated that to them.

SPEAKER_00 22:27

And if you've explained that, that you, you know, you you don't hear that voice, it's it's not, it's not an effective way to communicate. You want your kid to be able to communicate effectively. And if they go into a teacher, a job, a boss, literally any other scenario outside of your little bubble of your home, and they were to whine, they're not gonna go far. So you're really teaching them effective communication and empowering them to use their voice. And so once you've explained that and taught that, and again, depending on their ages, maybe you need to teach that lesson more than once. That's okay. But then then ignoring that whining behavior, I've witnessed it with my own kids when we really had to address that. And it's almost like they catch themselves and they almost like reset and then they speak in a in an appropriate voice and in an appropriate way. I've witnessed that transformation, so I know it's possible.

SPEAKER_02 23:28

Yeah, it is possible. And parents think, well, we're they're just gonna outgrow it. Yes, but first you have to be specific about what they're outgrowing, and give them the tools to communicate properly.

SPEAKER_00 23:39

Like that's the other thing. Your your number one job as a parent, I think, is teaching and training. And so, you know, again, there is some age appropriateness of behaviors, but again, it should still be like a learning opportunity.

SPEAKER_01 23:54

That's so bad.

SPEAKER_00 23:55

And if they keep getting what they want when they whine, then they will they will whine and past the age appropriateness of oh, way past it.

SPEAKER_02 24:04

I saw a kid one time in a Walmart, he was taller than his mom. So I don't know how old are you when you're taller than your mom, but he was taller than his and he was whining so loudly that I was probably like 20 feet away from him, and I was like, Man, you're like a man-sized person. Why are you not saying it was crazy?

Planting Routines And Family Traditions

SPEAKER_02 24:23

Okay. But listen, okay, so uh when we do plant our garden, it's not just about planting weeds. I always think about like how I'm gonna choose what plants I grow. I think about the ones from last year, the ones that I like, the ones that grew well, the ones that struggled but were beautiful when they finally came out. So in our family, we have to ask ourselves, what habits do we want to grow in our family? And I wanted to bring a few of these because I've mentioned like not having gratitude or like we felt like we weren't grateful. But you and I have talked about this in on several episodes. We want to grow things like family dinners, helping with chores, being encouraging to one another. We want to grow one-on-one time. And here's something that I want to mention. This was really interesting because um we one of the things that we really want to grow is weekly traditions. And talking about mental health, this is really interesting. Listen to this. Um, I'm gonna hopefully not butcher her name, but psychologist Barbara Feezy or Fiesi found that family routines create emotional stability and stronger family bonds. So research on family routines and rituals shows that predictable family traditions, okay. So we're talking about these are weekly traditions, things like shared meals, weekly activities. Like for us, it was like always Friday night pizza and Saturday morning. We would always have pancakes and cartoons. We still do to this day. Our kids are all grown. My mom will sometimes come to set, but my husband and I all sit down and have pancakes and watch cartoons on Saturday morning. But um, if you have those predictable family traditions, it can help reduce stress and improve emotional regulation in kids.

SPEAKER_00 26:15

Yeah, I love that. And that's kind of when it's really easy when our kids get older, and especially in those teeners, it's really easy to let those things fall away because we go, oh, they want to do things with their friends. So it's really important as parents to kind of hold on and reestablish some things. And it's okay for those weekly traditions or those things to change. We've had seasons where, um, you know, based on my husband's work schedule, because it's, you know, it it's changed um many times over the years in the line of work that he does. And so our free time has changed. Sometimes it's been in, you know, when we were homeschooling all four kids and my husband had Fridays off. We could go for like an afternoon walk every Friday. Yes. Um, that's not what our life looks like now. And so it's, and that's why it's again that spring reset mindset is sometimes life happens. We've had these great habits, these great routines, these rituals, but then life threw something at us and they they that didn't work anymore. It wasn't that that's not what it would would work with our life. And um, and so we've had to like regroup and say, okay, well, we can't do that right now. But what can we do? What what new thing would work for all of us? And when can we do it? What pocket of time do we have weekly where we're all together? And so um, yeah, it's it's you know, don't lose hope.

SPEAKER_02 27:46

I like that. Don't lose hope. I would also say swing with the situation you're in now and not what you wish it would be. In other words, if you're in a place where you're struggling or, you know, we're talking about things, even like when we talk about family traditions or whatever, and you're like, how we're like running a mile a minute, or like my kid is like really angry and yelling at us all the time, and that doesn't sound like fun. You know what? You you're in the reality you're in right this minute, and we've both been in those realities, yeah, and they are just seasons of our lives. And so you want to start where you are right

Start Where You Are Closing

SPEAKER_02 28:23

now. And so you just ask yourself like, are there weeds we gotta pull? Are there seeds we gotta plant? Um, what habits do I need to change? What habits do I need to help my kids change? Because if we continuously repeat those things, the good things, the small things, that's our culture. And really, our strong families don't appear overnight. They grow by one habit, one conversation, one moment of attention at a time. If you realize you're giving all the attention to the negative stuff, um, spend some time this week watering the good stuff. Like set yourself a timer. Make sure that you think about that. Write it on your um, I literally would have uh sticky notes on my bathroom mirror that were like coded. So I knew what I was so if a kid's using my bathroom, they're not like, you know, yeah, tell your kid Jack that you like them today. You know what I mean? That's but I would have like notes, sticky notes, because these are habits for them, they're habits for us too. So this week I would say try watering something really good and let us know if you do. We want to know.

SPEAKER_00 29:29

Yeah, absolutely. And uh all the resources that we've talked about throughout this episode, we've got um links to in the show notes. So we hope that you utilize um the reminders for looking for and complimenting the good, um, the communication boulders, those things that we want to weed out and stop. And then we even have a handout about how to establish a happy family ritual because that's so good for everybody's mental health. Thanks for listening, friends. We hope you come back and listen to the next episode. Take care, everyone.