Pain Portals, Initiations & Divine Empowerment

If 'dive in the deep end of truth about pain and darkness' was an episode, this be it. I'm not really holding back on what its been like to navigate some of the not-so-pretty sides of spirituality because thats not really going to help anyone. So I speak a bit openly about my journey in the last years and why having the right road map into your pain portals can make rapid transformation that much more empowering. 

The pain has a purpose and in identifying that, some wildly amazing things can take shape quicker than you even thought possible. Is pain a right of passage into the quantum leap? Tune in to find out.  

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*Disclaimer: The material provided by I AM DIVINE AF is not a clinical/medical service, a replacement for mental health professionals, or an academic resource. The information shared explores our spiritual perspectives and is for educational and entertainment purposes only, and does not constitute medical or clinical advice.

Transcript

Almost all of my initiations into a newer version of me have come through crazy. Pain portals, and I'm only thinking back on it now. I was on an empowerment call this morning with two goddesses who I adore and we were just talking about eclipse season buckle in because it's gonna be a ride. And I was saying I'm so much more prepared for it than I was in March because, I wasn't really protected and I'm not sure I was really actually heeding the power of what could come through that astrological alignment.

It ended up seeing me get thrown down a staircase like, staying away from the world, nursing what could have been a concussion and just playing with God, and that was the real initiation into my relationship with God the way that I have it now. And a lot of the astrology was talking about, well, what you do between March into October is gonna change the rest of your life.

And I was like, well, I don't really wanna. Take out my spine again and end up bedridden with this layer of psychosis, schizophrenia, and dark Night of the soul. I'm good, so I'll listen this time. Instead of needing to be screamed at, and that's our self screaming at ourself. It's God, architecting what's necessary, because you've heard me say it before and I will say it again.

The vision will pull until the pain pushes, and quite literally, I'm done with needing the metaphorical push. That almost always comes through pain.

Welcome to I Am Divine af. This is not just a podcast. It's an anthem for the souls ready to reclaim their divinity and break free into their highest destiny. My mission is to help you answer the casual. How are you? With, I've never been fucking happier. So buckle up as we go on a journey to debunk divinity and liberate the only thing that creates your reality, your consciousness episodes will be engineered with spiritual empowerments that awaken your super conscious, activate your divine gifts, and help you live the legacy you always dreamed of.

One divine aligned step at a time. Let's make magic people and have the time of our lives while doing it.

Where do I even begin? I was doing some reflecting and sitting here thinking, wow, things are so different right now.

This experiment is giving and giving and giving, and giving and giving. I just designed the next three book covers. The trilogy has taken Anchorage not just in the five D, but it now has a 3D reality. There is a material form to it, and I was thinking about where I was just a few months ago, and also how much has come together based on my path , based on where I was not so long ago and quite long ago, put more simply, all the things leading to now mattered, but the biggest pivots were in the portals of pain, and that pain was not ordinary pain by any means, and I know. Looking back that I was being initiated. 

And I wanna take a moment to even explain what an initiation is, in case you're not familiar with that word. I guess in my, in my experience of it, it's a moment in my life where the way that life is playing out is literally so wild, and profound. That it leads to my expansion, ascension, or a connection to the deeper parts of my energy, myself and my soul, and I start understanding that in a totally different way.

Like my consciousness is transformed. My worldview is, completely obliterated, shifted, elevated, whatever you wanna call it. There is accelerated change in transformation. But it often happens with very painful experiences, and I don't know if it's like that for anyone else, but let me tell you, usually in an initiation comes with some type of dark energy, obviously pain, but over the last year, it has also included for me psychosis, schizophrenia, dark Night of the Soul, and.

It's hard to, to mention those things without sounding dramatic, dark, or too vague because the magnitude and the gravity of those words and those paradigms of identifying with depression or the mental intricacies like psychosis or schizophrenia. I don't say that without the sensitivity of what they have been shaped to be defined as in the world, but in my experience of them, it's kind of like the dark night of the soul is where you disassociate from almost everything.

Nothing makes sense anymore. You're empty, you're in a void. Even connection to your own identity, connection to your meaning in the world. Meaning of the world in and of itself. And there are some types of overlaps here, because in depression there is generally a loss of interest and a loss of hope, whereas schizophrenia and psychosis, like there's too much energy running through the system at once.

So you're having like, like erratic, overwhelming, sensations in thought frequencies or you know, psychological overwhelm, like plugging 10,000 vols into a house wired for one 20. And it's not that the noise coming through doesn't serve you, it's just that it's so overwhelming, so loud. It's like listening to like 30 radio stations at the same time and trying to decipher the messages in all of them.

And. It's not that it always happened that way, but it certainly has happened that way for me before. So when I talk about an initiation, people, I don't know if they explain some of the very volatile and turbulent attributes of what that looks like and how that can be overwhelming, how it can create anxiety, how it can create temporary mental disorder, or like chaos in the order of our mind.

Because for me, it's been consistently present in these initiations into higher versions of myself and I, I almost feel weird using the word ascension or higher. It's like it's just an expanded state of my being and the becoming of me in a greater version and a greater capacity of understanding.

And the pain definitely leads to purpose and it leads to empowerment because the pain carries a purpose. And if you can be in the pain in a way that is conscious and welcoming and non-resistant, you will find purpose in it. And that purpose will be empowering and. This is the whole concept of it didn't break me, it built me because the pain refines you, the purpose directs you, but the empowerment stabilizes you.

And I just wanted to touch on some of the descriptions of the things that I may mention in passing, because it's not lost on me the weight of what I'm saying. And if you're experiencing any of those things, to know that there is no shame and that it's not always that you are. Now a person that has to create an identity description is, oh, I am depressed.

Like you may be depressed for a moment that serves a higher purpose. You may have chaos in your mind and feel like you are suffering from a characteristic like anxiety in the body, or shortness of breath or panic, but that doesn't mean that's who you are. That's the experience you're having in a moment that is trying to get you to bring awareness to a deeper part of yourself.

And this is a thing, right? Like there's so much to adore in the mind blowing essence of what happens within initiations because it's so intelligent and you know that there has to be a higher authority, a divine. Presence because God will find ways to communicate to you in your initiation that are like, you couldn't script this shit.

Like literally, you're gonna be mind blown and it's gonna be so profound and undeniable. And that could look like something as simple as dates aligning on anniversaries of key moments, like a car accident. Last year I had in my ancestral initiation on the day that I had a car accident before, which was ironically.

A date that was almost 10 years prior when I had a car accident. Like weird, weird, weird, weird shit. You know? And the divine and God will find ways to support the way that you move through your initiation so that you know that there's purpose in tension and a plan as to why it's going down.

It's not just like you're up for some fuckery, you're in the ring. Let's just take a beating. There is always meaning. And after the dark, the light is brighter and. I think that this is just an important thing to say that that is polarity as well. There's no life that's a painless life.

There is no life without an element of suffering, but who we choose to be in the face of suffering and how we choose to opt into our glory and our grace and our gratitude and to be in it in a way that it doesn't destroy us, but it actually. Is a part of the highlight reel of our story that we learn to cherish and own and not hide from or numb.

And sometimes these paying portals and initiations just look like things are falling apart, left, right, and center, and you just don't have a grip on things. And you know, it can be in your relationships, in your finances, in your health, even in your energy levels, in communication, in opportunities

it is often a shakedown when you know that there's a lot happening simultaneously. You're just like, what is up, man? But you feel it most in your spirit. Your soul knows, and obviously you feel it in your psyche. And if you're not listening to either of those, don't worry. Your body gonna show up and let you know.

But often before you build, you have to demolish. And right now many of us are in a demolition phase. Real change happens when you start letting go of the things that are meant to be removed, to clear space, you have to create space to fill it. You have to hold space. And in order to do that, you have to sometimes be so militant in your ability to see what is being stripped from you and go.

Let me not hold onto this and let me let go and see what happens. You know, let me let go, let God, and let in the divine into my life to take the wheel. Because let me tell you, if you don't, you're gonna have moments where you'll be on your knees begging Jesus to take the wheel again. The vision's gonna pull until the pain pushes.

There is a clearance that happens. Before we are in creation, we can't create from a place that has no space to hold the creation itself. So right now we are in a demolition phase. And this is not necessarily a complete build phase, and that's looking like the weirdest things that I'm being called forward to do that I don't really fully understand.

But what I do understand is what it's like to not listen, to not listen to the poll I'm not waiting for the push anymore. The the pain and the portals of initiation, they come hard and heavy when you wait for it to come from a place of pain.

And so I'm testing out this thing where I let the initiation happen from the pull, and that doesn't come without own things to navigate, like faith, especially blind faith. The things that I'm being called into and asked of, and whether that's. God or my intuition or other just downloads, like I'm still trying to figure this out as I fine tune my intuitive intelligence, but I know I'm being pulled and I'm like, all right, cool.

Well, I know what it's like to not listen to the poll, so here we go. And not listening to the poll previous in my life led to a lot of diverse initiations. So not listening to the pull previously in my life looked like back tumors. That was a massive one for me. Like I had a huge tumor in my back when I was 21, and that redirected the entire trajectory of my life.

And that's the first time I think my body started speaking when I didn't listen to my soul. And I had many other health occurrences as well. That's almost always how I had my existential wake up calls was through tipping points and pain portals That shook me awake. Like, you know, the pain has a way of shaking you awake.

That's why they call it a wake up call. And I think that I talk about this in a previous episode, I think it's called Nine Lessons from My Nine Years of Spirituality. So if you haven't listened to that, I talk about that there. But long story short, it said the pain always serves a purpose, and when you understand the purpose within the pain, it does become your power from the tumors, from the health issues, from the surgeries.

There were multiple ways my body became a portal, but also grief and life when it was Lifeing opened me up, loss opened me up. There are many gateways into divinity and they tend to have one thing in common. The real ones that are leveling you up often have to do a lot with pain. So that's what I've been noticing.

That's what I wanted to come and share with you today so that you're not scared of the pain and don't be too scared to reflect on past pain as well to rewrite the story so that it's rewired as power in how you carry that now in your memory, in the fabric of your sacred geometry and how that rests in your frequency as.

A storehouse of empowerment. So reflecting on a few things, even something as recent as March this year and that eclipse season, I really was in a dark place and not just for a few days, it lasted like realistically, I was in a functional depression for about six weeks and it was so dark. I was like asking those questions about like, yo, I don't know if I've got this in me again.

I'm fucking exhausted. I was in the dark night of the soul side of it and I was just like, don't see the meaning of anything. And then I was in the other extreme of that, that complete overstimulation of it, and I was like, I can't. I just can't. And the only way that I got out of that was through God. And that's the other thing, the other.

Monumental thing that I realize is that all things have led me back to God. Even studying from a positive place, like not only the darkness leading me to God, but even expanding my capacity for light. Even leaning into my cabal studies and that scholarship, and really going deep in Kabbalah, it references the creator from that Cabalistic lens and.

It's God, it's the origin source. It's the divine oneness, no matter what you call it. No one's disputing the essence of what it really is, and it's been the wildest rite of my life because when my existential inquisitions started on the 4th of November. 2023 with that car accident. I really just started with one question.

'cause you know me as an experimenter, I like a hypothesis and I like just answering one or two questions and it was like, can I understand what God is in its truth? Like what is God? If I could find the truth of that. For me as it relates to me and my resonance with that, to to be in resonance as what felt true for me.

Like that would be considered a, a success and naturally, like I thought, I understood it truly from a lens of energy, but I was still seeing it as something to understand and now in my experience of God, it is just the almighty it is. Above and beyond any other thing in its power, and it's truly like something I am still learning to speak about because I wanna be able to do it justice when I speak on the profound power that is the energy and truth of what God actually is.

And. God is in all because God is all. And maybe that's why they say in God all is possible. And I'm quickly learning that that is true because of what I'm watching happen in my experiment when I rerun certain parts of it.

But. Previously I wasn't treating God as the Almighty and now I'm like, I'm putting God in everything because God is everything and in God all is possible. And the results I'm seeing in this round of the experiment are different. And a lot of that has to do with also how I've navigated some of the pain in the last week or two.

That was excruciating in its nature, exorcist level pain. And I was like, my God, like only knowing the presence of God was what got me through certain things that I'll be talking about later once I am past it and integrated and embodied in the understanding of what it was there to teach me. But let me tell you God has been showing up.

When it comes to your own power and your own pain, just know that it's not yours alone to carry.

Like it really isn't, and find relief in that. Breathe that in, whether it's an initiation phase, whether it's a demolition phase or a build phase, this will always serve you. And to know that you can breathe that in is the biggest relief because I think that there's, there's a revelation I've come to that

some things are not my fight to fight, but the power that I need to find is actually not within me. It is the power I have access to from the Almighty through me when I can understand how to rely on that and turn to that in times of pain and in times of prosperity, equally so and so, yeah, it's just an interesting time for me.

I hope that you can feel some of the power that's to be found in your own pain, in your own initiations, in your own portals, and in the empowerment that you get left with.

Sometimes pain, it's really just light trying to find its way to our deepest darkness to show us and shine light on it. So that we can alchemize it and be in a greater state of our light. To let more light in means we have to open up more darkness to be revealed to the light.

And sometimes it's like we don't need to do all the work and all the healing. We just need to be the light and be giving and be of the light and be in the image of God and the essence of what that means. But sometimes in order to purify, we do have to explore. Where are the impurities within me? And that is helpful when you're coming from God and coming from light and coming from prayer and coming from protection, and you've got these tools in the toolkit, which earlier this year I didn't really have, especially those of you who are leading lives that are truly shaping the future to be one that is of good virtue and.

You're building for humanity and those of you who are out there doing that will know exactly what I mean. Like the five D spiritual entrepreneurs out there building because they understand exactly where we are at our state within humanity right now. And the calling to to build different, to be different, to lead from light.

And when you're doing that, you can have a lot of things come at you. Sometimes things are coming at you because you're doing things good. It's like they always talk about it and it's, it's about how God favors you, and the more God favors you, the more the devil will pay attention to you, because the devil doesn't bother people who aren't powerful.

The devil only is concerned with people who are a threat, and I have to be so careful with my words because words do create worlds. I believe there's one absolute, I believe there's one overarching divine power. The genius origin of divinity, GOD God, and from that source all prevails. And that is within all, which means there is no separation other than our perceived separation.

And that's where a lot of the ego will divide. But truthfully, we are all united by energy and the energy that has an intelligence to be one of creation. What we choose to do with that energy creates the differences that we see and witness in the world. But when we are in our power of co-creation with the divine and through us, it allows more divinity.

To be architected into a newer reality and an evolved earth that can feel threatening to a system that doesn't thrive on that. So it's so important to understand how to navigate pain from the lens of how do I protect my field of energy? While I try to create new realities from, from the light, but also how do I navigate the pain that's actually qualifying me, empowering me, like I'm not being broken.

I'm being built. So how do I lean into the pain? That gives me the resilience, that gives me the wisdom, that gives me the qualification to lead my own life in a, in a godly way, in a purified way, in a way that is unfuckwithable, so there's, there's a lot to be learned from pain. And the way that pain changes us.

I think that anyone who's gone through extreme pain can testify to this, that they're not the same person they were before. The pain is after the pain. And let that be a testimony of empowerment. Don't hide away from the things that are happening or have happened to you because at the end of the day, the story, you might not feel like you have power over.

But the energy with which you own and tell it and allow that story to be a reflection that becomes your reality. That you have total and complete sovereignty and authority over. You have the divine authority to tell your story in an energy that creates a reality so magical that that story just becomes equity and I think that I'm seeing a lot of the same things from different lenses as I get deeper and deeper into my own self. And none of this has to be your truth. This is just a girl exploring the world through deepened perception and understanding what that even means along the way.

But the pain is a portal. The pain carries a purpose. The purpose is empowering. And if you take nothing away, I hope that that gives you some level of relief, comfort, resilience, and just relaxation amidst the game of life. There's always a plan. It's so funny how hindsight's 2020 vision and a lot of the things add up when you look back.

You are not an accident. The version of you that you're experiencing right now is not a mistake. It's not a flaw, it's not a fault. It's an invitation into truth. Everything that's happening is happening for you.

We've heard that, but like if we deepen. Our resonance with that, what would it reveal to us? What revelation would we find in the, for me, why and how is this happening for me? Not even the how, but in what ways is this for me? In what ways is this expanding me, supporting me, serving me, empowering me? And like sit with that question because you're gonna really start to see in reflection the revelation that creates a reckoning. And you're just like, Ooh, I've gone through the process. And as I allow it to reveal itself to me that revelation has created a reckoning.

And from that we have rebirths and rebirths don't always look like. The long intense rebirth. Sometimes they're the compounding impact of micro shifts that together create such a different composure about you as a creator, and we can allow change to happen in tiny moments of reckoning.

Compounded held, sustained, I've allowed that to change me. And I've also allowed that change to be sustainable. And I've allowed sustaining that change to create a different path for me. And that path might not look so different right now, but when I compound that change, and I give it time because we like linear logic, time, and all these things as metrics, I will witness that.

But in this moment, all I need to understand is. What I'm allowing to happen for me through me and as me. The internal locus of creation and that I can vibe with that and identify with that and find fun and playfulness and light heartedness, that there can be light in my heart as I experience that.

So again, this is just a pouring from the soul. I feel like there's gotta be some little nuggets of, I don't know, novelty. That maybe are just catalysts for conscious exploration for your own journey. So I hope that it's actually just like ignited a spark of, you know, curiosity for you to ask some of your own questions and to sit still long enough to find entire worlds within the stillness of yourself and to be on that adventure.

Instead of chasing the material world too much, that you explore the magnificence and majesty of the inner world, and that you find peace, love, joy, freedom and fulfillment in that. So for now, that's all I've gotta see, and I hope that you just love the journey. The pain, the power, and everything in between.

Alright, love, light, stay divine, and I'll catch you next time.