Ep 31 STOP LOOKING FOR LOVE! Says the dating coach. Do THIS instead.

Many people decide in the New Year that they are going to look for love.

And many find it doesn't work.

Listen to find out what DOES work.

To get "50 places to meet people over 50", go to www.dianebrandonmoody.com/50-places

The Facebook group is https://www.facebook.com/groups/983447146715011/?multi_permalinks=1138765751183149&notif_id=1737233695201121&notif_t=feedback_reaction_generic&ref=notif

www.dianebrandonmoody.com/50-places

Transcript

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Diane Brandon Moody: Hey, everybody! It's Diane Brandon Moody! I'm back again. After a little bit of a hiatus.

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Diane Brandon Moody: took a break, a badly needed break.

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Diane Brandon Moody: and got through the holidays and

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Diane Brandon Moody: all kinds of other stuff going on in life as you do.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So title of this episode and I'm pretty excited about it is, don't go looking for love in 2025 do this instead. You may have seen this from Instagram, or maybe Tiktok, if it's still around at the time you saw it.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So this came to me as kind of one of those ideas that you get

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Diane Brandon Moody: while in the shower or walking around. And it just pops into your head, and it's pretty well formed. So I'm excited to offer this. I'm a dating coach, and this is 50. Something, love. I specialize in helping people over 50.

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Diane Brandon Moody: The reason why I do this and why it's such a passion for me. And some of you know this already. But I met my husband in

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Diane Brandon Moody: when I was 57 years old, and we got married when I was 58 walked down the aisle.

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Diane Brandon Moody: We met each other on Craigslist of all places, and it was a very magical time.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If you are a subscriber to the New York Times, you can find our story in the Vals section.

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Diane Brandon Moody: It really did a great job of describing everything.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Now, what we're going to get into today is, I know that there are people who are sick to death of dating apps.

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Diane Brandon Moody: They can be really awful. They were really awful. When I was

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Diane Brandon Moody: before I started dating my husband in 2018 they were really off, I mean, my intuition told me to put an ad on Craigslist. So I did. But if you think like plenty of fish is bad, I mean, Hello, Craigslist was was really pretty bad. So, but my intuition said to do it. So I did it, and it turned out working okay for us. I got 300 responses overnight to my ad.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And it worked out. Okay. The very last one was guy. I married 365 days after meeting in person.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So before I keep going so all over the place, I'm kind of all over the place today. But let me 1st tell you, if you're really sick of apps, then go to my website, dianebrandonmody.com slash 55 0 dash places

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Diane Brandon Moody: 50 places. This is where you'll get the list. I have of 50 places to meet people over 50, because I am really in the place of suggesting that people get off the apps, at least for a time. It doesn't have to be forever, but at least for a time. And

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Diane Brandon Moody: So anyway, what I'm saying is like this week's episode, though, is even deeper than that. It's not about just looking on apps.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But it's also about stop looking for love.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Stop! Just stop for a month. I'm asking you to do this challenge and stop looking.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Now. You're probably in the place. If you've been looking at all, you're probably in the place of saying.

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Diane Brandon Moody: why, Diane, I'm not giving up. I'm not going to give up. I know love is out there. I'm not going to give up. I'm just going to keep looking, looking, looking. So let me explain myself a little bit

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Diane Brandon Moody: now. I remember when I was single, because it wasn't that long ago.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I looked and I looked and I looked and I looked. I looked online. I looked in apps. I went to church and I looked. I went to Starbucks and looked. I looked

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Diane Brandon Moody: everywhere, and I just kept looking harder and harder the more I looked. I have to confess to you now, the more angry I became.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And here's why that I suspect I'm not the only one who gets angry in this, because I've talked to people who are like this. I know this is common.

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Diane Brandon Moody: The more I looked, and the more it didn't work.

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Diane Brandon Moody: the more I felt defeated and angry as hell, I mean, I was mad. If some guy said the slightest thing wrong to me on an app.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I would break out in absolute fury. I mean mad.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You know if they looked at me. Funny it it would just break me out in anger.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And let me tell you this, I'm going to give drop a love bomb on you right here, and it's this.

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Diane Brandon Moody: there is no greater repellent to love than anger.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Let me repeat that there is no greater repellent to love than anger.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Nothing, nothing is more repellent.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I was doing it. I didn't realize I was doing it, and it took 3 different people

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Diane Brandon Moody: to tell me, Jesus, Diane, you are so angry I can feel it coming off you in waves.

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Diane Brandon Moody: One person even said anger is my superpower, and when used in the right direction. It absolutely is a super hour, but it can also mess you up big time if you're not pointing it in the right direction.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So if subpar matches online or in person, are pissing you off.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Then what you need to do is walk away for a little bit. You just need to walk away.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I'm not telling you to walk away forever. I'm just telling you to walk away for this month while we kind of do this challenge.

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Diane Brandon Moody: there are a lot of reasons, I say, to do that one. It will just help you to rebalance your life a little bit.

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Diane Brandon Moody: and to look at what's important, and what isn't important to you.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I'm a little bit woo woo, and I also believe it was true for me that if you're angry, the more you will draw to yourself

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Diane Brandon Moody: one of 2 kinds of people.

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Diane Brandon Moody: the kind that will piss you off more because they're lazy or self-involved, or kind of giving you half-assed

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Diane Brandon Moody: information, or help, or love, or attention, or whatever they're kind of half-assed about it.

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Diane Brandon Moody: and they'll just piss you off even more, or

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Diane Brandon Moody: you will draw to you the type of person who is also pissed off.

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Diane Brandon Moody: and that's when it really gets ugly. It gets so ugly when 2 people are pissed off at each other at the same time.

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Diane Brandon Moody: That's not good. It's not good for you. It's not good for them. It's not good for anybody, and you won't make a good match in this way.

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Diane Brandon Moody: At worst, you're going to make each other match

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Diane Brandon Moody: a match in the sense of it's good for right this minute.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I mean, I don't know. Angry makeup. Sex may be worthwhile, but that's about the only thing I can think of that is in any way good for that, so you need to stop doing it.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I'm not telling you to try and hide your anger, because, frankly, you probably can't. You're probably the last person who needs to know that you're angry. I would imagine everybody else knows it but you.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So I'm not telling you to hide it instead.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I'm telling you. Instead of getting into that rat race of looking, looking, looking, it fails, looking, it fails looking, it fails looking. I think I found somebody oops. It fails instead of getting into that little rat race.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Let's just stop. Let's stop for a month. Now, what are we gonna do during this month?

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Diane Brandon Moody: Instead, I'm proposing that you stop all the apps altogether.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You don't work. Walk inside a Starbucks, and immediately scan the room to see who's tall, dark, and handsome in there, or who's fit and cute, and

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Diane Brandon Moody: probably too young for you. Let's not do that. Let's not be looking at all. Instead, let's rebalance, and I know I've said that a couple of times. But let's rebalance.

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Diane Brandon Moody: That means I want you to learn to enjoy your life again

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Diane Brandon Moody: while single. This is very important.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You've probably heard the cliche many times when people say

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Diane Brandon Moody: they show up the minute you stop looking.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Why is that?

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Diane Brandon Moody: Well, in my woo-woo experience they show up because you're having fun. A, B,

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Diane Brandon Moody: you're not consumed with the rat race of looking fail looking fail looking fail. You're not consumed with that.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And see you're just enjoying your life.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You're out dancing. You're out making craft beers.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You're out there, I don't know. Playing volleyball.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You're out there

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Diane Brandon Moody: ice skating. You're out there touring museums, whatever it is, whatever it is you want to do.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I hope that you go out and do it. If your budget is small. After the holidays there are free options or very low cost options all over the place.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Many of the museums I go to are free.

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Diane Brandon Moody: The concerts I go to can be free at those museums or low cost

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Diane Brandon Moody: coffee shops. You can nurse a cup of coffee for quite a while.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You can go to Happy Hour.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You can go to the pub on Mondays, when it's kind of quieter Tuesdays

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Diane Brandon Moody: you can go for a run. You can go to the dog park.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You can go walk on the beach.

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Diane Brandon Moody: work out at the gym that you're already paying for. You can do all of this stuff

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Diane Brandon Moody: on your own, or with a PAL and rebalance.

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Diane Brandon Moody: We're just gonna forget about dating and being disappointed for a month, that's it, that's all.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So I would love to hear what you guys love doing when I was single. I love dancing.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I have a torn tendon right now. I've had it for a while, and so dancing just isn't a real option for me right now.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Dang it! But I loved to go dancing. There are free or low cost dance classes all over the place, whether you want to learn how to dance tango or salsa.

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Diane Brandon Moody: or or line dancing.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I live in Fort Worth, Texas, and let me tell you. There's a honky Tonk open every day somewhere, and you can usually get free lessons if you buy a beer. That's about all it takes.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So I want you to look up this stuff, make an intention of going out once or twice a night

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Diane Brandon Moody: and go live in your life.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So we're not. Gonna look, here's an idea for you.

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Diane Brandon Moody: When you're feeling a little bit sharper.

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Diane Brandon Moody: get out a piece of paper, tear it into strips.

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Diane Brandon Moody: write all the things that you've wanted to do or learn in your life, and you haven't gotten around to it.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I'm sure there's a lot for people. Painting would be for me. I've always wanted to paint. I have siblings. Who paint? Did I ever learn how to paint? No, I didn't. I was always kind of jealous, but I didn't.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So I would put painting on this slip of paper.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Put whatever it is that you think would be fun to learn. That's in your budget. There are things that are realistic that you can go out and begin to learn within the month.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Put all those in the chart and just draw them the beginning of the week.

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Diane Brandon Moody: and then make a plan.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Make this plan, put it in your phone, put it on your planner. However, it is. You plan your days.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Put it in there so that you make this appointment with yourself, because it's important to call it an appointment.

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Diane Brandon Moody: This is how we reset.

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Diane Brandon Moody: This is important to reset.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Have you ever run into somebody who is single and is desperate not to be?

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Diane Brandon Moody: I probably was that person. I know other people who are like that now. Shakespeare called it the lean and hungry look

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Diane Brandon Moody: he was referring to Cassius, who was part of the assassination plot against Julius Caesar, and he was mostly talking about ambition, but the lean and hungry look of wanting not to be single.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I've seen it in people. I've felt it in people.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I've been that person kind of embarrassed to admit that. But there you go now! I don't hate.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Excuse me, I don't hate dating apps.

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Diane Brandon Moody: By the way, I'm rambling against him right now. You might think that I do. I don't.

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Diane Brandon Moody: As I said, we met on Craigslist.

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Diane Brandon Moody: They can work, but you need a lot of patience and a lot of humor.

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Diane Brandon Moody: A lot of humor at doing this. If it makes you mad every time some guy propositions you within the 1st 6 seconds of hearing from you.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Then don't do it, I mean, for God's sakes, don't do apps yet, because we're gonna take control of that in this challenge.

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Diane Brandon Moody: so learn how to make it fun.

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Diane Brandon Moody: although I still recommend being away from it for a month altogether. But when you get back to it

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Diane Brandon Moody: you either gotta make it fun or you gotta walk away and do it in another direction.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I didn't realize it at the time. I didn't know this was what I was doing. But at the time I emerged from this reset, and I was able to play in that sandbox of online dating rather than being so mad about him.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So I'm talking from experience here.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Dating apps just really aren't created for you to find love. Have you ever thought about that?

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Diane Brandon Moody: They lose money the minute you find love and you walk away. They don't get any more money. So the algorithms are created. And such for you to see the same people

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Diane Brandon Moody: not see the other people.

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Diane Brandon Moody: They aren't really set up for dealing with scammers. They could, if they wanted to. They may not be able to get rid of every single scammer on Earth, but they could get rid of a whole lot of them, and they don't. They don't make any effort to. They make a lot more money with scammers who do that via

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Diane Brandon Moody: credit cards that are stolen. Incidentally.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So that's 1 way in which we stay addicted to something that isn't working.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Hear that again. You get addicted to something that isn't working for you, and you keep doing it, and you keep doing it, and you get mad when it's not working.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Some of those same techniques on apps are used in Las Vegas and slot machines.

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Diane Brandon Moody: It's very much some of the same kind of technology. And that's intermittent reward. This is part of the problem in addictive behavior. What? No matter. Pick your addiction, it doesn't matter if it's gambling, or

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Diane Brandon Moody: drugs or alcohol, or whatever part of the addictive behavior comes from the fact that it's intermittent rewards.

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Diane Brandon Moody: think about lottery tickets when you go to buy a lottery ticket.

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Diane Brandon Moody: you know that somebody somewhere is going to win, and maybe you won $5 once. So that was a reward. So you keep doing it because you're pretty sure that sometime you'll get that

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Diane Brandon Moody: 2 billion dollars prize.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So again, it's addictive.

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Diane Brandon Moody: We're gonna talk more about how this gets created in our brain. And

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Diane Brandon Moody: at the during some of these podcasts.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I've been learning a whole lot, more about the nervous system and how the nervous system really does fall within

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Diane Brandon Moody: making, how you're allowed to feel love, how you allow yourself to feel love, and how angry you get, and all of that the nervous system regulates.

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Diane Brandon Moody: All of the neural tags that are in your body, and these neural tags can be created from.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I don't know the rejection of your 1st boyfriend in 7th grade to the way your father was absent as a small child to

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Diane Brandon Moody: abuse. You may have witnessed, whatever those are the more serious cases. But these neuro tags, they they get embedded into your nervous system, and your nervous system has figured out a way to survive everything that I just talked about

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Diane Brandon Moody: abuse or watching abuse, or.

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Diane Brandon Moody: you know, saving yourself from your 7th grade boyfriend, heartbreak.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And so the body finds it very, very energetically expensive a term I learned from Kate Northrop, energetically expensive

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Diane Brandon Moody: to change the way that you think and feel. And this is why some of it's automatic.

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Diane Brandon Moody: It can be done. But it takes some time and some energy.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So my clients and I talk about this all the time as to how do we change our neural tags around?

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Diane Brandon Moody: What may have been an experience that was true back then and still feels true. It can be changed.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So

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Diane Brandon Moody: anyway, we'll be talking more about all of that stuff, and especially if you're a client. We talk about that a lot.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So I think we've probably gone through everything for this month.

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Diane Brandon Moody: As to what our challenge is.

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Diane Brandon Moody: don't go looking for love in 2025. Do this instead.

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Diane Brandon Moody: and that's take a break from every bit of it.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Take a break because we're gonna be able to reset ourselves and go have some fun.

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Diane Brandon Moody: That's it. Take a break. Go have some fun.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I am going to be adding some information to the show notes.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I have a Facebook group that's free.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And it's meet in person, not apps over 50, dating with my name attached.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I'm going to be giving some assignments for people in there.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You can also go to my website. As I, said Diannebrandon. moody.com 50 slash 50 dash places to get my

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Diane Brandon Moody: 50 places to meet people over 50.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I hope to see more of you around these days. It's been a lovely break, and I needed it for myself, but I'm ready to get back to it, so I hope to hear from you please give me a follow.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Oh, follow me here on the podcast, follow me on my website.

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Diane Brandon Moody: and let's get you in the place you want to be for this year bye, for next time.