Ep 42 The one men will hate (meet & greets are garbage)

This may be controversial, but I still believe it to be true.

www.dianebrandonmoody.com/50-places

Transcript

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Diane Brandon Moody: Hey everybody, this is Diane Brandon Moody. I am your favorite dating coach for people over 50. I help you navigate these tricky waters, which just aren't the same as when we were younger.

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Diane Brandon Moody: For context, you can read about me in many places, but my website is dianebrandonmoody.com.

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Diane Brandon Moody: My story is that I worked with some dating coaches when I was floundering a bit.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And learned a lot.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And then in 2017,

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Diane Brandon Moody: as I was ending my year by writing all the things that I liked and I didn't like, and working on in my journal, I heard a voice say.

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Diane Brandon Moody: The voice was very clear, and it said, put an ad on Craigslist. I was like, what? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Do you know what's on Craigslist? And the voice was very insistent. It said, put an ad on Craigslist, and I said, oh, alright.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, in 6 minutes, I wrote what I think is a delightful ad, and must have been because I've got 300 responses to it overnight, some of which were what you would expect, some of them were interesting, and then the very last one that I took a look at.

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Diane Brandon Moody: was somebody who eventually invited me to dinner, gave me a rose, and I married him 365 days later.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I was 57 when we met, 58 when we got married. Now, here's the funny part. Before The Voice told me to put an ad on Craigslist, the voice, which I swear to God, sounded like somebody was sitting next to me on the couch, but nobody was there. The voice told me

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Diane Brandon Moody: that I wanted to get engaged in 2018, and I said.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Are you kidding me? Like, I… what?

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Diane Brandon Moody: Are you sure I shouldn't just be dating somebody in 2018?

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Diane Brandon Moody: And the voice said, nope, you want to be engaged, and I said.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Okay, well, that's a little weird. Are you sure I don't want to be married in 2018? The boy said, nope.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You want to be engaged? I said, okay, fine. Well, September 8th, 2018, I was engaged. So, those little weird voices, man, sometimes they are powerful.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So this is all a way of introduction to me.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I wanted… I'm part of a Facebook group for a lot of single people. It's, I don't know, 85,000 people or something in there. And I asked them for some suggestions on podcast episodes. I just wasn't coming up with anything new.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And I got some really, really good suggestions, so I'm going to be doing some of those episodes.

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Diane Brandon Moody: In the upcoming days and weeks.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, I think I'm picking out my first one, because, I think it's relevant. And that is… that…

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Diane Brandon Moody: I think one of the things that singles do wrong in today's day and age, and why romance takes so long to develop.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Is because of this notion of a meet and greet.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I understand why everybody does it. Nobody wants to waste their time if, you know, you're not enjoying their company, or, you know, their picture was 20 years old, and it wasn't anything that you want to do.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Be a part of with this person.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I kind of get that, but the biggest problem with it is there is no

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Diane Brandon Moody: Actual way to build romance into a meet and greet.

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Diane Brandon Moody: It is just not possible. I know some people are gonna argue with me, and they're gonna not like that I said that, but…

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Diane Brandon Moody: I mean, the point of those things, at least it was for me, is I'd get looked up and down, see if I passed or failed, and it would be like half a cup of coffee. Sometimes he'd pay, sometimes he wouldn't.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And there was just… there was no romance. There was, like, I'm not interested in this. This is not… I mean, you have to work triple hard

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Diane Brandon Moody: To get anybody interested in you, because it's so transactional.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, what can we do instead?

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Diane Brandon Moody: As I told you.

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Diane Brandon Moody: My husband and I, I reached out to him, I… I said a few lines in an email.

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Diane Brandon Moody: He responded. He's a man of keywords, so he didn't have some flowery, long email or anything like that.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And then we kind of had a couple of emails back and forth.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I don't remember how many, I probably still have them somewhere, but…

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Diane Brandon Moody: You know, we did it back and forth a little bit.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And then I eventually said, would you like to get coffee? Not because I like coffee, but because… I mean, I love coffee, but, you know, a coffee date. I don't love the coffee date, but that's just what every guy was doing.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And he, responded back, he said.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I don't want to get coffee with you. I want to take you to dinner.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And I was like, oh!

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Diane Brandon Moody: That's actually very special. I love that idea!

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, he researched and he found a place close to my house that, it was a Papa Doe's. I don't know. Texas people would understand what that was. It was kind of a Cajun seafood place. He grew up on the Gulf Coast of Texas, so…

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Diane Brandon Moody: It's a food that he really likes.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I would call it somewhat casual, but a little higher end on the casual side.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And he said, please get whatever you want.

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Diane Brandon Moody: They have a salad that I adore, so I wasn't trying to be cheap or anything, but there was a salad that I just absolutely crave, so I got the salad.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And we had a very enjoyable time. He met me at the front with reservations and one rose and a vase.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Well, let me tell you, that was charming. I thought that was absolutely charming, and I think it went a long way

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Diane Brandon Moody: in my wanting to have a second date with him. I think it just did.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, I know that the first… there's a couple of things that men in this scenario are going to want to argue about, and I will start off by saying one is, it's very expensive these days. If men are doing a lot of dating, that's extremely expensive to take people to dinner.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I get that, and I have a lot of empathy. I do. So, if there is a way to be every bit as elegant

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Diane Brandon Moody: And have the romance.

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Diane Brandon Moody: without spending the money, then I'm all for that, but I don't think you're gonna get that in a Starbucks.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I don't.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I would suggest… maybe, dessert and coffee somewhere.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You could also do a cocktail

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Diane Brandon Moody: After work, or on the weekends, a cocktail or two, or a cocktail and an appetizer, and then if there's interest, you could keep going.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You could find other ways to make this a picnic. An elegant picnic. Wouldn't cost as much as probably dinner out, but you could get a decent bottle of wine, some cheese, some grapes.

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Diane Brandon Moody: A charcuterie board, and… To me, that would be a very elegant way of seeing if there's any interest.

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Diane Brandon Moody: From each other, rather than just doing the old look up and down.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, I have a lot of empathy for the price thing.

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Diane Brandon Moody: The other thing that I would mention from a male perspective is I know there are a lot of men, and there's quite a few women these days.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Who believed that, nobody, men shouldn't be the one paying for the date. If you have, …

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Diane Brandon Moody: some absolute convictions in that area, then I think you need to stick with your convictions.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I think it's a little less sexy.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Frankly. But, you know, if those are your convictions, then by all means, stick with them.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But make it elegant in a way that is not just the look up and look down way.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Now, people have different opinions on who pays for what.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Some women say if I ask him out, I'm expecting to pay.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Okay, that's great.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Again, to me, not quite as sexy in romance.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Filled, but, you know, you can make that your own.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Other people say… some women say, well, I don't want him to pay because I don't want him to think I owe him anything.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You don't owe him anything regardless, and any decent man would tell you that. The ones who would insist that you owe him something in exchange for dinner are not the kind of people you want to be going with.

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Diane Brandon Moody: At all. So, yes, you can hand them a 50 on the way out, or 100, or whatever it is.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And, then you don't have to owe him if he's being kind of a jackass about that particular comment.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Grown-ups should have sex when they feel like they should have sex, but, in general, and this is kind of a big…

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Diane Brandon Moody: …

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Diane Brandon Moody: It's a big generalization, but women will tend to be slower, because we need to be careful of our safety. Yes, I know that there are women who harm men, not nearly in the same numbers, but a woman has to be very careful of her safety.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, she isn't gonna be as quick To go to bed.

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Diane Brandon Moody: As a man would.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And I reiterate, you don't owe him anything for dinner, except a good time, and to say thank you. You absolutely need to express gratitude, because it's an honor, ladies, to be asked out by a man to dinner. It's an honor.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I think we get jaded too often in this day and age, and we act like, you know, we're being put upon by going on a date with somebody who isn't a Disney prince.

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Diane Brandon Moody: This is bullshit.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Don't do it.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Don't do it.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If you're being asked out, don't go if you can't be gracious.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And say thank you, and enjoy yourself in the best way that you can.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Now, I would say, if there is intentional blood.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You know, if you need to get up in the middle of the meal and leave.

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Diane Brandon Moody: because he's intentionally being an ass, I support that, 100%.

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Diane Brandon Moody: There's no place for racism, there's no place for sexism, there's no place for screaming at the server, there's no place for any kind of bad blood, and…

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Diane Brandon Moody: And men, I'm talking to you, too. If she's the one who behaves like that, or she tries to bring along her kid, or she's ordering for her whole family, or some nonsense, you do not have to stick around for that.

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Diane Brandon Moody: At all.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Not at all. So, don't feel like you do.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I just… I hate that some people make dating that difficult.

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Diane Brandon Moody: For people in this day and age.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But let's just… you know, get back to it. We want to be elegant.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And, show our, you know, be gracious.

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Diane Brandon Moody: We want to get a little dressed up, don't we? I mean, ladies usually enjoy getting dressed up, unless it's just a super casual place, like Wings, which is not a bad thing to do if you're somebody who enjoys that kind of thing. It's a little messy, but it's fun.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, find what works in your budget.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If you want to be Gallant, oh my gosh, that goes so far in winning a woman over, if that's what you're interested in doing.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Being a lot. Buying dinner.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Like I said, make it in your budget, if that's what you need to do.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Go out less. Go out with better people.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Be gallant, be gracious, dress up, have a great time.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You know, I think…

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Diane Brandon Moody: I think we just make it too hard on ourselves. We get so jaded. I did too. I absolutely did. I got very jaded and very annoyed by some of the dating behavior. I would be lying if I said otherwise.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, … Let's just try that as an experiment.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If you're somebody who's always done the meet and greet because you thought you could get all the bad stuff over with, and then you'd know, and he'd spill his guts and tell you everything about him.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I'm telling you, that does not… Make for romance.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I use this example all the time.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Let's pretend, ladies.

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Diane Brandon Moody: that, you and I happen to meet at a coffee shop ourselves. Excuse me, we don't know each other.

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Diane Brandon Moody: we've never met, but you stand in line behind me, and you say something funny, and I think that's hilarious, and we have a little small talk, and I go over to the table, and I said, would you like to join me? And you come over there, and all of a sudden, you're like.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Well… My husband left me.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I'm broke. I'm about to get fired.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I have psoriasis.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And, you know, I'm worried about my mother. I'm worried about dying poor and being a street woman. Do you lay all of that on me?

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Diane Brandon Moody: I could be as empathetic as anything in the world, but it doesn't make me want to hang out with you more.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And we need to think of that in terms of when we're meeting for a date. That, you know, a little bit of mystery goes a long way. I had a good friend who told me that years and years ago.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I asked him for some advice, because I… and we were both so young at the time. We were… we were just good friends. But, …

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Diane Brandon Moody: I said, what is it that's making, you know, things are just not moving in the right direction, and I don't get it. I'm not ugly, am I? And he goes, of course you're not. You're a beautiful woman. And I said, okay, so what's the thing? And he thought about it for a minute, and he said, you know, Diane, there's no mystery with you.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You tell me everything I need to know. There's no mystery for me to stick around and try to find out. That was the greatest gift, because I realized that because I'm an outgoing person, I tend to just

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Diane Brandon Moody: tell everything. No secrets with me.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Well, not everybody wants to know all your secrets that fast. Let them find out a little bit.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I realize this has come off a little bit rambly, but, I'm trying to get some of these

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Diane Brandon Moody: Out before tomorrow.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, thank you for being with me. This is 50-something Love.

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Diane Brandon Moody: This is the podcast for everybody trying to find love in their 50s and beyond.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And I'm so delighted that you found me here. Now, let me make sure that you know, I am a dating coach, I do help people find the love of their lives, and if you want to find me, go to Dianebrandonmoody.com.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Right there on my homepage, you can get my 50 places to meet people over 50 if you're really sick of dating apps, and you're… you're wanting to learn how to meet people in person again. That document is for you.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And I will also say that my website is mostly geared toward women, but I do and have coached men. I'm happy to coach men. Most of my clients are women, but I am happy to also coach men.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Thank you so much for being with me today. I hope you're enjoying your day, and I am looking forward to seeing you again next week on my next edition of 50-something Love.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Catch you later! Bye-bye!