Ep 44 Dating after being widowed

Dating isn't the hard part. The hard part is grieving and getting through the hardest part, the beginning, of grief. 

Grief never goes away completely, but it should get easier with time. And support like grief counseling or support groups to support those who have been widowed.

While you'll never be done, please do NOT try to date to distract you from pain. That simply isn't fair to the other person. Give yourself at least a year to get over the initial pain.

And to the men who say you can't compete with a ghost - c'mon, man. You're alive and the ghost isn't. You already won. 

www.dianebrandonmoody.com/50-places

Transcript

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Diane Brandon Moody: Hey everybody, it's Diane Brandon Moody again, and here I am with another episode of 50-something Love. So happy that you're here with me today.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I am so happy to be talking to people who are over 50 and who are trying to make a run at love, or another run at love.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And that brings me to this topic.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I was asked if I could do an episode on

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Diane Brandon Moody: How to navigate widowhood while dating.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I know that there are some women, some widows, who are under the impression that men are avoiding them.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I know some other… some guys who say, no, actually, I prefer a widow to a divorcee, because the widow isn't bitter.

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Diane Brandon Moody: It's a broad generalization.

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Diane Brandon Moody: a very broad generalization, and I am quoting a couple of people I know.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So how do we need to navigate this? It's, a little simpler than you think.

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Diane Brandon Moody: First of all, let me say I'm really sorry for your loss, whether you lost your husband, or you lost your wife, or long-term companion, I'm really sorry. That must be really, really difficult to go through.

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Diane Brandon Moody: What I also know about when you lose a spouse, or when you lose anyone, frankly, is it always feels like you're traveling grief alone.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Because you have friends and family that are really with you in the beginning, but it feels like they drop off at some point. And honestly, they do, of course they do. I mean, nobody can support everybody at a level of 10 all the time. They just can't. That's not a reasonable expectation of anybody.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And at some point.

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Diane Brandon Moody: we have to take our own grief into our own hands. Now, I've never been widowed, so I realize that some of my suggestions may

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Diane Brandon Moody: may not sound reasonable to you, but I'm going by the fact that I have lived with widowhood through very close friends and my mother.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, let me just say, first of all, is to take all the time that you need

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Diane Brandon Moody: To deal with and heal from grief.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I don't think you ever get to the point where you wake up in the morning and go, yippee, I'm done with grief, it's over, it's done.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I don't think that happens. I think grief is one of those things that is just… it absolutely takes your breath away so much in the early stages.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Where it may be… maybe the death was expected, and maybe it wasn't, but even if it was expected, it can still hit you just like a bowling ball on the head, just in its severity, and how it just… it just completely rocks you.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And… and you just don't even know what's coming next.

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Diane Brandon Moody: It does get better.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Over time, It does get better.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Especially if you do your best to go through the grief instead of avoiding it.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Avoiding grief is the worst thing that you can do.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Because… Grief will find you one way or the other.

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Diane Brandon Moody: It will hunt you down. It will follow you.

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Diane Brandon Moody: It will always be present.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, I certainly suggest

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Diane Brandon Moody: that you, deal with grief… with grief counseling, perhaps? Or maybe, a grief group at your church, or through your community.

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Diane Brandon Moody: or online, there are all kinds of places where you can help process grief. And then just be patient, because it's going to take a while.

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Diane Brandon Moody: In the moment, it sounds like it's going on forever.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I'll tell you about the grief I felt for my dad when my dad died, almost 20 years ago.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Now, I know losing a dad is not the same as losing a spouse, so I realize this is not an exact comparison.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But in the beginning, even though we knew he was dying, he had prostate cancer and had it for many, many years. He was fine for a great many years.

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Diane Brandon Moody: He, would go to work, he'd go get some chemo, and then go back to work.

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Diane Brandon Moody: He was just tough that way. And he wasn't gonna let it…

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Diane Brandon Moody: slow him down or stop him in any way. And I always admired that about him. The last couple of years were getting tough.

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Diane Brandon Moody: The last 2 months were, I believe, the last two days I wouldn't wish on anybody.

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Diane Brandon Moody: They were very painful for him, and… and just very painful for everybody there.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And I… my job in all of this… my mother did a whole lot

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Diane Brandon Moody: to be at his side and to do the best she could and take care of him, that… that I know she was doing. And I was there as kind of backup, and I was the one that was trying to help with paperwork and…

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Diane Brandon Moody: Set expectations and communicate with my siblings, because

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Diane Brandon Moody: I, … I was there, and they weren't… they all lived in different locations at that point.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So… I, …

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Diane Brandon Moody: I was dealing with that, and my dad and I had always been fairly close. We just understood each other, and…

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Diane Brandon Moody: I didn't leave anything unsaid, and neither did he, and so I thought I was putting myself in the best possible place to

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Diane Brandon Moody: Be able to deal with his passing in the best possible way.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And it still came and hit me like a thunderbolt and a bowling ball upside the head when he died, and…

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Diane Brandon Moody: You know, we had to get through the few days of the funeral, and…

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Diane Brandon Moody: He was buried at the National Cemetery, because he was a Korean War vet, and so we had to get through all that, and notifying family, and…

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Diane Brandon Moody: and all of that tedious kinds of stuff, so we did. So it took a while before I felt like I even had time.

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Diane Brandon Moody: To, grieve anything, so…

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Diane Brandon Moody: So I did. But I did fall apart at one point, and one thing that we were, …

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Diane Brandon Moody: Sit.

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Diane Brandon Moody: that I was really grieving in particular was, …

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Diane Brandon Moody: Sounds kind of silly at this point. His first name was Art.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And, that's what people called him, Arthur… people called him Art. And he used to joke around saying that, the church song, How Great Thou Art, was about him.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And it was always such a dad joke, where I'd just roll my eyes and just go, oh, Jesus, dad, bad.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And we'd laugh because that's just the way it was with him. Most of the time, humor was, like, an eye roll from one of us.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But, you know, it took me a year and a half before I could hear How Great Thou Art, that song, without bursting into tears.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Or at Thanksgiving, I was, … Bursting into tears, because…

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Diane Brandon Moody: the job that Dad and I always had was I… I did most of the cooking for Thanksgiving. My mother didn't enjoy cooking, and I did. And Dad would do the turkey. I never really understood how to make turkey that well.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But, … But that was what we would do. And…

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Diane Brandon Moody: The first Thanksgiving when he wasn't there.

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Diane Brandon Moody: just… Killed me.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I mean, killed me.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I just sat in a restaurant and cried. It took me forever to cry.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But I cried in the restaurant.

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Diane Brandon Moody: It took me a long time. It was a year and a half before I could talk about them without crying. And this was my dad, not my spouse.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So you have to give yourself a lot of leeway.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Give yourself a lot of grace. And if people aren't calling you asking how you are, then you call them and tell them you're not okay.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I know… I know we'd like to be in the position for people to call us, that feels good when they do it, but if you need help, you need to call them and say, hey, can we go have coffee?

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Diane Brandon Moody: I just need company, or I need some emotional support, or whatever it is. You can do that. It's perfectly fine to do that.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, the first thing… the first comment I had about dating and being widowed is that do your best to deal with it. And when you can talk about your spouse, your deceased spouse.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And you can tell a joke about him.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Or, you can laugh about things.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And you can… you can recount the last days without necessarily bursting into tears. You may be ready to date again.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I say maybe.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You think you might.

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Diane Brandon Moody: What I don't want you doing, and please, dear God, do not do this, because other people are involved and it's not fair, please don't try to date to be distracted.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Please don't start online conversations with people you don't know who end up being scammers.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Because they'll talk to you forever.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But, you know, because you're wanting to,

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Diane Brandon Moody: Talk to somebody, and so you think you're talking to these people, and it turns out that they're not who they say they are.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But please don't use other people as your distraction. That… that's just not cool. It's not fair to them.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, I would… I would definitely not do that.

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Diane Brandon Moody: That being said, You can also continue with grief support groups.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You could have coffee with somebody from there, because they're going to automatically know your story.

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Diane Brandon Moody: The third thing that I think is important to note when you're a widow, especially if you had a good marriage, is that your next relationship is not going to be the same as your pristine memories

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Diane Brandon Moody: of a relationship where the person isn't even there anymore. Because it would be typical of people to remember everything so fondly.

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Diane Brandon Moody: That there's… it's just this rainbow-colored memory…

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Diane Brandon Moody: And it's one-dimensional, and he was so good to me, and he was so perfect, and you'll never find somebody like that again.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Because if you have that belief, it will indeed be true.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And it may… you don't have to get married to the person who

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Diane Brandon Moody: Doesn't treat you well. You don't need to do that, but it's gonna be different strictly because the person is different.

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Diane Brandon Moody: It will be different.

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Diane Brandon Moody: this new guy, and I keep talking in terms of widows rather than widowers, but you can take what I'm saying and apply it.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But… this new person

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Diane Brandon Moody: may not find the same jokes funny. They may not get misty-eyed at the same movies. They may not be as good a handyman as the deceased husband. They may not…

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Diane Brandon Moody: Be as good of a support listener as the deceased husband, but maybe they have a far better sense of humor.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And you're just not willing to look at that yet, because you're still…

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Diane Brandon Moody: Hanging out with the other one.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Or…

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Diane Brandon Moody: Or maybe that they travel so much better, and you two get along day to day so much better, because you enjoy each other's company.

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Diane Brandon Moody: It doesn't mean that the new person will not be someone

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Diane Brandon Moody: you don't want to be around, because good lord, don't be around them if you don't want to. But you do need to realize it's going to be different, and there's just no way around that. It will be.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So don't have unreasonable expectations about what the next person is going to be like.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And then finally, I would say that the new people sometimes are very sensitive to how much you talk about

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Diane Brandon Moody: The… the person who died.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I don't think there's a reason to feel in competition with the person who died. A lot of men do. I… I don't… I don't think you need to do that. I mean, he's alive, the other one isn't. You… you won. I mean, come on.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But…

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Diane Brandon Moody: If you're gonna be stuck in only talking about the one who's dead, only having the pictures up of the one who's dead.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Thinking the one who's dead is perfect, and the new one just isn't doing it right because they're not like the dead one, then this is just an example, one more example of how you really, really, really

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Diane Brandon Moody: are not ready you're just not ready. You need somebody who… You're not… whoops.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You're not ready to be dating other people, and you shouldn't be.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Just keep in mind, there's another person involved. You need to be really fair about that. It's another person.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So anyway, those are my thoughts on dating with, in widowhood, or if a guy's been widowed.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Don't rush it.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Do your grieving?

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Diane Brandon Moody: Realize this next person is not the same?

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Diane Brandon Moody: Is the other person?

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Diane Brandon Moody: … That life can be just as good, but it's gonna be different.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And, you know, just… just relax and enjoy it as a new experience.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You can still go to the same place, but you're gonna have a different route.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I hope any of this has been helpful.

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Diane Brandon Moody: It's not an experience I've had so far, but from my observations of clients and people I've known.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I know that it can be a problem.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Some of these issues.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Don't run away from people who have been widowed.

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Diane Brandon Moody: There's no way to get to know them except for getting to know them. And then you'll know if it's too soon for them.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Thanks again for listening. I hope to see you next week on 50-something Love. Right in, tell me if this worked for you. Give me a rating, pass me on to somebody.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I appreciate it when people do that.

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Diane Brandon Moody: See you next time!