Ep 46 How to communicate HARD THINGS in dating

Let's all be grownups, OK? If we're old enough to date, we're old enough to say and hear hard things.

www.dianebrandonmoody.com/50-places

Transcript

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Diane Brandon Moody: Hey everybody, Diane Brandon Moody again. Here I am with another episode of 50-something Love. Thank you so much for coming along on this ride with me.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Hey, do me a favor and send a link to one of your friends, or your neighbors, or anybody that you know that may be trying to date over 50, because I promise I can make it easier for everybody if you do that.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You can also, if you're tired of dating apps and you want to meet people in person, you can go to my website, dianebrandonmoody.com.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And grabbed my 50 places to meet people over 50.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, here's today's topic.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I was asked to talk about how to communicate hard things.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Now…

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Diane Brandon Moody: The person left me this note in a Facebook group, and I wasn't able to double-check with them and find out a little bit more context.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So I'm gonna make up a couple of contexts for you.

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Diane Brandon Moody: The first one is, I would say, how to communicate hard things with someone you're just meeting while dating, and then I'll say how to communicate hard things when you're a little bit more into a relationship.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So… When you are dating, how to communicate hard things.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I don't know specifically what hard things she was asking about, but I'm gonna make up a couple.

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Diane Brandon Moody: For instance, you have overcome breast cancer? Yay you! But you had a double mastectomy, and then a reconstruction, so your breasts don't look like they used to.

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Diane Brandon Moody: That would be a hard thing to talk about. Somewhere along the road, you ended up with herpes.

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Diane Brandon Moody: How do you communicate that?

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Diane Brandon Moody: Maybe your ex left you in a lurch, and your finances are pretty tight right now, and so your dating budget is fairly limited. Whether you're the guy or the girl, you know?

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Diane Brandon Moody: Your… your budget, for dating is a little bit on the tight side, so you're just, you know, not sure.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You've gained weight, …

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Diane Brandon Moody: You've got, not great relationship with your ex, which can cause problems, any of those things.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Okay, so let's talk about this if we're talking… you're just meeting someone.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Generally, I like to say that it's good to start talking about difficult topics around Date 3.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Why date 3? Why not just come out with all of it on date 1?

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Diane Brandon Moody: I think because on day one.

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Diane Brandon Moody: you're still pretty much strangers, you just really don't know each other very well, and coming up with anything negative is just gonna be a hard pass by most people. Most people are just gonna go, okay, well, see ya.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And maybe that's okay with you. If it is, then be my guest, do it that way. But the reason I think a third date is better is because by this time, you have an interest in each other, and by this time, you are more talking to

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Diane Brandon Moody: A friend.

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Diane Brandon Moody: an acquaintance.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Someone you know, but not very well yet.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So somebody who is… if they… they're interested enough to see you, as far as a third date, they… they probably have some interest in you as a person.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, I would say… First of all, Let's not assume…

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Diane Brandon Moody: that whatever it is you want to share is an automatic freak show, horror show, and people are gonna run screaming out the door. Let's not assume that, okay? That'll make…

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Diane Brandon Moody: part of it.

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Diane Brandon Moody: a lot easier.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I was… same Facebook group that I use for research that I'm speaking about here, …

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Diane Brandon Moody: it was, about a year ago, I think, one woman who had overcome breast cancer in just the manner I described.

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Diane Brandon Moody: wrote a post and said how, you know, I want to get back into dating, but this is my situation, and I'm afraid that people are going to run away from me. And I was so delighted and so touched by man after man after man after man after man.

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Diane Brandon Moody: who posted, I would still consider you beautiful, I would still consider you strong, I would believe that if you got through that, you could get through most of life's problem.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I would feel tender toward you, because…

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Diane Brandon Moody: life has probably not been easy for you, and, you know, so many comments like that that just made me want to tear up because of the kindness of those posts. And a couple of them were pretty honest and said, I would believe that you

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Diane Brandon Moody: you went through a lot, and I'm not sure that I'm gonna be strong enough to help you.

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Diane Brandon Moody: They didn't put that in a bad way, they put it in an honest way, and wouldn't you want that from somebody?

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Diane Brandon Moody: I think that would be… Amazing.

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Diane Brandon Moody: amazing. If somebody was going to be direct with me and say something like that, it might sting a little in the moment, but I would be so grateful eventually that if they really didn't think they could handle my life, that they just told me.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Wouldn't it be… just fantastic.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, let's not assume that the answer is gonna be the first thing, is that people think you're just a freak show, because it isn't. There are gonna be people who have been through a lot of difficult things.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Some of them may have dealt with it before and aren't up for round two, and that's okay.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Because… If… if that's the case.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Then they need to let you know.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And then you'll know. So that's good to know.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, what about something like herpes? This, again, the third date is something, because I think the third date is a great time for couples to start discussing sex and when it might happen. I don't think it needs to happen.

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Diane Brandon Moody: …

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Diane Brandon Moody: at the third date, I know there's kind of a myth that goes around with men that, you know, it's the third date or it's over with. I don't think that needs to be the case at all, and if he were holding that over me, then I would say, we'll see ya, because you don't get to dictate that.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But, … But at the same time.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I would say that's a good time to bring it up.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Because you don't want to get further attached to somebody if somebody isn't going to want to…

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Diane Brandon Moody: You know, deal with herpes, which can be very easy to get… to understand and deal with.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If you know how. So, where most of the trouble comes from, something like a sexually transmitted disease of that kind or another kind, is simply because people are ignorant.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And learning more about the topic would help a lot in that scenario.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, and again, if somebody is not up to the challenge, wouldn't you rather know it now than the day after you slept together?

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, that would be a good one.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If budget is an issue for you, then I think you just come out and say it.

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Diane Brandon Moody: you can say it on the third date. Again, I think the third date is a good time to do it, but, you can also say it with your head held high, because there are a lot of people that are facing that kind of thing right now.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Or anytime.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Excuse me.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And to say something like, I would love to make you dinner, I'm afraid, tickets for the ballgame are out of my budget right now, but I would still love to make you dinner if you're up for that. And you just say it like it's not a problem, and nobody's gonna think it is one.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Because a lot of people are in it.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But do it with grace.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I told this story once before on the podcast with the guy I went out with, that he had coupons for happy hour, we were there after happy hour, and he very…

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Diane Brandon Moody: inelegantly argued with the server over using the coupons when she kept saying, but this is after happy hour. He just kind of kept trying to bully her, and…

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Diane Brandon Moody: I was never interested in him again, and it had nothing to do with the money he had or didn't have. It turned out he had plenty of money, but he was just, you know, kind of a financial bully, and I had no interest in that from anyone.

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Diane Brandon Moody: At all.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So those are some ways to talk about some difficult issues. Those were some more specific examples. So, let's talk about, kind of, the formula, because we could come up with stuff all day long.

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Diane Brandon Moody: One is…

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, the first one is to wait until the third date, because at this point, presumably, you have some interest in each other, you're not in love yet. You should NOT be in love with. Please, if you're in love by the third date, you're bruising for a bruising, don't do that.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But you at least have some interest to keep going out with each other, and that's a good time, because you care about each other at least a little bit, and you're wanting the best for each other. You also know yourself well enough to know if this is a situation that you feel like you're capable of handling or not.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I do not have kids.

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Diane Brandon Moody: At one time, I was open to being with a man who had younger kids. I do have two stepkids, and they're well adults. We all get along just fine. But I didn't want to be in the position of raising small children, because at this point, it's just not my interest.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So I did know that about myself, and I would have said that. In fact, I did say that. I would just say it matter-of-factly, I just don't think I'd be the best mother at this age, and I'm not really interested in getting started there.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Didn't bother anybody, because by then we knew about each other enough that You know.

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Diane Brandon Moody: It was… it was not a big deal.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Wait for the third date.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Secondly is to just say it.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Just say it.

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Diane Brandon Moody: don't assume…

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Diane Brandon Moody: that someone is gonna hate you or think less of you for whatever your news is. Like I was telling in the breast cancer story, I was so touched by the amount of men who were just…

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Diane Brandon Moody: So kind to this woman.

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Diane Brandon Moody: so kind to her that, no, it wouldn't be a problem at all. And even the ones who said, it probably would be a problem, my wife went through that, and I'm not sure I'm up for it again, were still kind in their responses. So let's not assume the worst.

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Diane Brandon Moody: The others are just knowing that if somebody

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Diane Brandon Moody: Somebody may, at some point, not be able to handle what you're offering.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And wouldn't you rather know it sooner than later?

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Diane Brandon Moody: I hope some of this has been helpful.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I appreciate everybody who's continuing to listen.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Tell your friends, tell your family.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Get in my emails. You can get that 50 places to meet people over 50.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And I look forward to getting to know you better. Thank you so.