Calling all good men Ep 61

Join me on May 21st at 7 p.m. central for an hour long program called Dating Safely & Scam-Free. Sign up here: dianebrandonmoody.com/safety

The 7 Dating Patterns Smart Women Don't Realize They're Running - And Why Recognizing Yours Changes Everything. 

Transcript

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Diane Brandon Moody: Hi there! Diane Brandon Moody here again with another episode of 50-something Love.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And this is the episode that I am really talking to good men. I'm talking to you if you're a good man. If every time you hear another story.

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Diane Brandon Moody: of, men somehow abusing women, or assaulting women, and you're saying, but I'm not one of them.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I want you to take a minute and listen so you know how you can be more of an advocate for the single women over 50, if you are a single guy over 50, or if you're a guy a little younger and you're interested.

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Diane Brandon Moody: in women over 50, because that's your type. So, I am going to be looking at my notes a couple of times here and there, because I want to make sure I get all of this in, but thank you for being here. The fact that you are already here

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Diane Brandon Moody: Tells me that you are indeed interested in learning how to be a better advocate for women, in standing apart

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Diane Brandon Moody: from those guys, like Dominique Pelico, who drugged his wife and let 70 men rape her in France.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Or for the website, whose name I won't mention, where they were holding classes on how to drug your spouse, and

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Diane Brandon Moody: taking videos of her and raping her, because, let me tell you guys, if consent has not been given, it is rape. It doesn't matter when she decides she doesn't want to, if she hasn't consented, it's rape.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And if you don't want to go to jail or face consequences for that, understand that whenever she says no, at what point that consent is

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Diane Brandon Moody: not there, whether it's retracted or it's been there all along. This is rape, don't do it. Okay? So let's get started, and as I said, I'm going to be looking at these notes a little bit, so,

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Diane Brandon Moody: If you are a good man, thank you so much for being here. I know that you guys exist in so many places. I married a good man. We have been together 8 years now. I'm married for 7, so I got married much later in life, and I understand

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Diane Brandon Moody: that people come to dating over 50 with their own baggage. By this time, we have baggage. I don't care how many times you say you don't have baggage, you have baggage. Your heart's been broken, or you're divorced, and somebody took the money, and somebody cheated on somebody. Your heart's been broken before, it just has, because that's the way this works.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, if you're a good guy and you're here, you may not be the problem, please, please, please, be the solution. Now, if you're a guy who, every time you hear a story, like with Dominique Palico, and you say.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I didn't… I've never done that. I've never done anything like that. I've never raped anyone. I've never drugged anybody.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I… I don't even let her pay for her coffee. If you're one of those guys.

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Diane Brandon Moody: What you really have to understand here, please hear this, and please understand this, she doesn't know you, and she doesn't know what kind of guy you are.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If you heard my episode on when I Was Ruthied in 1982, the guys that did it, we had a blast. They were adorable. They were very cute. They were flirting massively with us. They were hilarious! We enjoyed them.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But one of them drugged me nonetheless. I don't know which one. If I knew, I would go kick him in the balls right now, but that's another story for later. But it's been a long time, and I have no idea who they are.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, That's number one right there. If you can just keep top of mind, I'm a good guy.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But, she doesn't know that yet.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You'll save yourself a lot of… Ego hurt.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Because that's what happens if you hear a woman saying something like, no, I want to drive my car, and your ego gets bruised because you offer to drive her there. Understand, she doesn't know you yet.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And most of the dating online stories where a woman has been killed or raped has been when she got in a car with a guy she didn't know.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, she doesn't know you yet.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And if she listens to my class, Dating Safely and Scam Free, she'll know she shouldn't be getting in the car with you for at least a month until she knows you better, okay? Don't make that an ego thing. She doesn't know you, okay? She didn't know you at all, so don't make that an ego thing.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, that's the first thing. Here's a thing that worked for me so much when I was dating, and like I said, it hasn't been that long ago. When I was dating, if I was setting up a date with a guy, or he was setting it up with me.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And he would say, you know, I would love to pick you up, but I understand, women feel the need to take care of themselves, so how about I meet you at blah blah blah blah?

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Diane Brandon Moody: You have no idea how sexy that is, right there. That is a sexy way to talk, because this is somebody who understood, and again, didn't let his ego get in the way. He understood why I needed to protect myself, and he just made it a matter-of-fact thing.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Like, he said, like, I would really love to pick you up, but I understand why that's not a good plan for you. That told me he understood, and understanding, oh my gosh, is that so sexy?

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, those… some women will be guarded in the beginning. Some men will be, but for different reasons. I'm gonna draw a…

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Diane Brandon Moody: This is a big example that is not scientific, this is my guess after many years of doing this kind of thing.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I am going to guess that most men are guarded in the beginning because they have lost a lot of money in a divorce, or they were with a woman who used them for their money and they're bitter about it. I understand that. You have every right to be bitter about that.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Women, on the other hand, they're more guarded because, as I said, they don't know you, and they don't know if harm is involved yet. Not psychic harm, not… not emotional harm, physical harm is what they're most afraid of at first.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So anyway, she's…

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Diane Brandon Moody: you know, she's had to be strong, she's had to carry everything in whatever situation she's in, and she really, really wants to feel safe with you. And…

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Diane Brandon Moody: This can be one of two things going on right here. If she doesn't feel safe, it hasn't been long enough, that could be part of it. She hasn't been around you long enough.

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Diane Brandon Moody: to decide that you are safe in… by watching your actions, she hasn't… or listening to you, she doesn't know you're safe. It could also be nervous system carryover from her last relationship or relationships. If she's been assaulted in her past.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Or manipulated, or whatever. She may be extra cautious. Now, I have a firm, firm belief

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Diane Brandon Moody: That anybody who is dating is absolutely responsible for taking care of their emotional and mental health, hopefully before you're dating, or at least when it makes itself clear.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Nobody can fix each other. If she is scared because at some point she was assaulted in…

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Diane Brandon Moody: Depending on who you talk to, it's either 1 out of 3 women, think about that, or 1 out of 5.

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Diane Brandon Moody: depends on where you get your statistics from, and I guess probably the definition of assault.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And it's 1 in 6 for men, so men don't get out of this either. But, anyway, let's get back to that. So, if she has had that, and that continues to be in the way, even after you've proved yourself to be a good guy over time…

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Diane Brandon Moody: Then you might gently and kindly suggest that perhaps trauma therapy would be a great thing for her to explore, because everybody has to be responsible for their own mental and emotional health, and here's why.

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Diane Brandon Moody: It doesn't matter how kind you are, how supportive you are, how thoughtful you are. If she is still stuck in the pain and the misery and the nervous system stuckness of whatever happened before.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You will never be kind enough, you will never be supportive enough, because there's always that running in the back of her head. So sometimes, even your best actions will not work, and then you need to say, hey, honey, I think you need to really spend some time on this.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And women, if you're listening, this is the same thing that's true of a guy. If a guy…

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Diane Brandon Moody: after you've proved, over time, that you're a good person, you treat him well, you're not after his money, blah blah blah blah, and he's still scared because he's tarring you with the brush of his ex or exes, then it may be time for you to say, honey.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You gotta get some help here, because I can't help. I can't fix you. Only you can fix you. Only you and the help of a professional

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Diane Brandon Moody: can help you. So this is what's very, very important. And I will take a side journey here, just a little bit, to talk about the male loneliness epidemic. It's real, I know it's out there, I know men are lonely, but men.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Nobody can do this for you. Nobody. Nobody can. You can't date a woman enough who's perfect. You can't…

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Diane Brandon Moody: You can't drop everything you've been doing enough, you need some help.

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Diane Brandon Moody: out in the real world. You need to be social, you need to go work out. Listen to Scott Galloway on this, he's amazing. Everything he says on this is absolutely amazing. And I will not discount that it's not true. In the last 6 years since COVID,

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Diane Brandon Moody: probably even before that, since cell phones, but let's pretend it's COVID. We've become more insular as a country. We stay at home, we don't go out, we don't interact with our friends. We stay home and watch TV, or we play video games, or whatever it is that you're doing.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And so you've got to get some help in this area.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Because a good woman cannot fix your loneliness.

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Diane Brandon Moody: She can't.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You've got to do that, and there are ways that you can do that, but find a professional who can help you. And if you need help on that, send me an email at info at dianebrandonmoody.com, and I will send you some resources so that you can

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Diane Brandon Moody: Do things to actually get in a much better mental and physical and emotional space.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And that's men or women. I am not a trauma therapist, I'm a dating coach. I will help you find the person of your dreams, and help you how to do that, but I am not a trauma therapist, nor will I even try. That would be hugely unethical for me to do, and I just won't.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So let's get back on track here. I love it when I just go off the rails.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, yeah.

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Diane Brandon Moody: That is the main thing, is when you find a woman, and she

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Diane Brandon Moody: Feel safe, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And how she does that is when you show up consistently, when your words and actions match consistently over time, she starts feeling safe. And when she feels safe, her personality brightens, her outlook.

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Diane Brandon Moody: is positive. She's excited to see you. She loves exploring with you. She's ready to get to know you.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And it's a whole different world, but it won't happen until she feels physically, mentally healthy.

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Diane Brandon Moody: spiritually, emotionally safe. And that comes first.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, that means…

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Diane Brandon Moody: like I said, as an example, if she tells you on a first, second, or third date, thank you for the offer to drive me, I would prefer to meet you there, please don't make that an ego thing.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Just tell her thanks, you understand that, you're looking forward to meeting her. If she says no to sex on a first, second, or third date.

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Diane Brandon Moody: then you can say, I understand that, thank you very much for quantifying. Now, I coach my clients that at some point around the third date, they ought to be able to at least,

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Diane Brandon Moody: tell you when they might be safe for sex. It may not be the third date, it may be later. And you guys can come at that decision

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Diane Brandon Moody: you know, together. And if you're the guy who says, nope, by the third date, if it doesn't happen, I'm leaving, that's fine, just make it clear early on.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But otherwise, don't bring up sex in any conversations until the third day. Please don't do that. What women hear when you start talking like that is, you only care about me.

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Diane Brandon Moody: because of sex, and what I could do for sex, and you'll be gone out the door after that's over.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Statistically, that's what happens. You may not have done it, but statistically, that's what happens. So,

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Diane Brandon Moody: These good men, if you're women, and you're… you're listening to this because you listen to a whole lot of things I do, and you're saying, where do I find these? Well, we go over that in my Simply Resistable program, which will be starting again soon. I'm so excited about that. It's a lot of fun.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So,

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Diane Brandon Moody: Anyway, I'm going to get back to that when I say that when a guy says, regarding sex or intimacy or picking you up or anything going to his place, if she says, I'm not ready for that, and you say, of course, take your time, that is not only

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Diane Brandon Moody: Good information, but it's sexy as hell. It just is. It is. It's a sexy thing, because what she hears is he likes me enough to be willing to wait on something.

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Diane Brandon Moody: That's huge, because most of them aren't.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Scott Galloway, the guy who does so much online about the male loneliness epidemic, says men have to swipe 200 times to even get a reply for a date.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And, you know, the implication is, of course, that women don't have this problem. Well, the top 1% of really hot women at a certain age probably don't have that problem, but for the rest of us, it's…

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Diane Brandon Moody: We may get messages, but they're usually…

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Diane Brandon Moody: you know, offers for sex, like, now, can… let's get together now, come over now, it's 11 o'clock at night, come over now. You know, what would hurt you? Let's just do that. Or it's, you know, eggplant emojis, or something like that. It's not like we get a lot of serious contenders that early on. Statistically, no, we don't.

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Diane Brandon Moody: We get a lot of garbage.

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Diane Brandon Moody: men may not get anything, but women get a lot of crap. So, take that out of your head as being an accurate statistic, because, you know, it's not.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So some women may warm up slowly. Now, I still believe she owes you good manners. If she just doesn't show up because she's scared, that's not cool. Unless you've done something really egregious, that isn't cool. She should communicate with you and say, hey, look, I'm just not feeling it today.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But she needs you to be transparent, too, in what you're thinking and what you're feeling.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Offer your last name before she asks.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Knowing full well that she'll probably do a Google search on you to see where you are.

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Diane Brandon Moody: When you're asking for a date, make sure it's a public place with people milling around, so she doesn't have to feel like she's looking over her shoulder with everything. It doesn't have to be an expensive date.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I personally think if a guy does dinner, that's sexy as hell. It's, amazing when they do that.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I understand we're in a weird financial situation in this country right now, and that may not be in your budget, especially with a lot of people, so do an ice cream and a walk around a shopping center, or something like that, out in public. Not out in the wilderness, out in public.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And offer to get it for her, because again, that's sexy. That isn't about women just looking for your money. What that's about is you are being chivalrous by offering to do something for her, and that's sexy. It just is. If she has to get her own ice cream.

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Diane Brandon Moody: it doesn't necessarily mean a no, and she may even insist on it, because she's used to the last 5 guys trying to use her. You can ignore that if that happens, but…

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Diane Brandon Moody: What… what it says to her is that this guy thinks enough of me to buy me an ice cream. And it's… it's good.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So… But she does need you to communicate, too.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Communication doesn't happen a lot.

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Diane Brandon Moody: We need you to communicate. If you've gone out and it doesn't work for you, that's fine. It would just be lovely to send a note, hey.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Sharon, I really appreciate getting to know you today. I didn't find the spark I was looking for, but I wish you the best. How hard is that? That's not hard. If you just send that

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Diane Brandon Moody: That goes so far. It goes so far.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If you like her, and you want to see her again, say so.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Be direct, be grown-ups, to say, I really enjoyed this tonight. Kathy, can we get together next week?

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Diane Brandon Moody: And that oughta give you some information. If she says, it didn't really work for me, then…

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Diane Brandon Moody: what's the harm? You may feel a little bit of an ego bruise, but at least what you're finding

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Diane Brandon Moody: is you're finding, sooner rather than later that it's not working. Now, there are people, this happens in both man world and women world.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Where the person will say, oh, sure, let's do it, and then never return another message. That's a weenie way to be. Don't do that. Men or women, don't do that. It's a really cowardly thing to do.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, how you can also… men, how you can also be advocates for women, and this… this matters. When she's not even there, if…

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Diane Brandon Moody: You're out at dinner with your guy friends, your bros, you're out grabbing a craft beer on the weekend or something, and people start with really pathetic jokes.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Saying pretty horrible things about the woman they just went out with.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Don't respond. You don't need to give a speech to them or anything, but saying, dude, not funny.

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Diane Brandon Moody: That's good enough. This is how you help us

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Diane Brandon Moody: be safe in the world is by letting somebody know

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Diane Brandon Moody: That horrible joke, that's not funny. You would do it for…

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Diane Brandon Moody: your friends, I hope, that tell a horrible, racist joke.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If they tell a racist joke in front of you, Dude, not funny.

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Diane Brandon Moody: tells everything about who you are. I once declined a date with a guy. We were getting along so well on the phone, enjoying the conversation, and then he stopped with some…

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Diane Brandon Moody: horrible, racist joke, and I said, yeah, sorry, we're not a match. And that was the end of that. So, don't… just don't put up with that stuff.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So again, I am dating… doing another Dating Safely and Scam Free live program.

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Diane Brandon Moody: on, May 21st, which is a Thursday, at 7 o'clock p.m. Central Time. Usually lasts about an hour, or as long as the questions last.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And we'll talk about how to be safe dating. This also goes into scams. I've talked about scams on the podcast before. I have updated information, both with dating safely and with scams, and it's valuable for everybody.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Now here's what I want to say, is that due to the sensitive nature of this particular free class, you will have to be on camera for this, and sorry guys, this one's for the ladies.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If you want me to get you some of that information, or hold a class for men, just drop me a line, info at dianebrandonmoody.com, and I'll be happy to do that. So, thanks again for letting me go through all of this, telling you about how to be

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Diane Brandon Moody: An advocate for women in these days when women are just…

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Diane Brandon Moody: absolutely scared between the website, the French story, Telegram.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Losing millions.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Don't get me started. I know at least 3 people who have lost $160,000 between them. These are actually people I know, not some, you know, out-there person. So…

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Diane Brandon Moody: I'm gonna be teaching you how to avoid all of that in this AI-driven world, and I appreciate your listening. If anything has helped you, please forward this podcast episode to another guy friend of yours.

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Diane Brandon Moody: or to a woman that you know is dating, please send it to them, because this is important information, and I'd love to see you all then. Bye-bye!