Why is online dating so bad? You *may* part of the problem - Ep. 63

Online dating has the lowest barrier of any way to meet someone, which is exactly why it works AND exactly why it can try the patience of a saint. Everyone is in the pool, from the woman whose standards have quietly become a moat to the man who puts in one quarter and expects a jackpot. And yet, by the last numbers I saw, around 40% of couples now meet online. The channel delivers. In this episode I walk you through how to navigate it without burning out: starting with your nervous system instead of your profile, loosening the requirements that quietly shrink your pool, moving things off the screen before you lose a month to texting, and keeping your brain engaged while you let yourself feel the spark. I also cover the doors that have nothing to do with an app, including meeting people in person, getting set up through friends, and noticing the good men already moving through your everyday life.

Before you go, a reminder. My free Dating Safely & Scam-Free session is Thursday, June 25 at 7 p.m. Central, live on Zoom. This is the last time I am doing it on Zoom this year, so if you have been meaning to come, this is your moment. You will walk away knowing how to protect your heart, your money, and your physical safety while you date with confidence. Save your spot at www.dianebrandonmoody.com/safety.

And if you saw yourself in this episode, the woman with the mile-long list, or the one who has been quietly telling everyone, including herself, that she is perfectly fine on her own, there is a deeper conversation worth having. Those are protective patterns, and once you can see them, you can begin to expand past them. Book a Love Audit at www.dianebrandonmoody.com/love-audit and we will look at what has actually been in the way, and talk about Simply Irresistible, my program for accomplished women over 50, which begins in July.

The 7 Dating Patterns Smart Women Don't Realize They're Running - And Why Recognizing Yours Changes Everything. 

Transcript

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Diane Brandon Moody: Hey everybody, welcome back! This is Diane Brandon Moody, and once again, I'm here with 50-something Love.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Outdating over 50.

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Diane Brandon Moody: As I have said often, I didn't get married myself until I turned 58, and that was my first.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And using a lot of what I learned myself, and I was the classic

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Diane Brandon Moody: kind of client that I work with now.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, I am gonna get started on one particular topic, and…

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Diane Brandon Moody: This is to say that online dating absolutely will. Try your patience. Try the patience of a saint, as my granny used to say.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Because… And just about anybody in the world can get on it.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Those women whose… Must-have list turned into concrete, and those guys who

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Diane Brandon Moody: Don't put forth any effort at all.

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Diane Brandon Moody: They both can get there with

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Diane Brandon Moody: virtually no work at all. It doesn't take much to get into the online dating world at all. So this means this is no more selected for you than if you are…

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Diane Brandon Moody: Driving down a busy highway, and every single guy in the world is standing on the side of it.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I mean, can you pick a good one based off that? No, it's gonna take a little bit more work than that, but it can be just about anyone.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, the barrier for entry is really reduced down to anybody with a pulse and a thumb.

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Diane Brandon Moody: That's about it. Maybe enough to pay the $30 fee, or whatever fees are these days.

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Diane Brandon Moody: That's the good news and the bad news.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So.

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Diane Brandon Moody: The good news is, though, that according to Stanford's last study, 40% of couples are still finding each other this way, so it's not like it's not doable. It very is doable.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But there are some things that you've got to do to make it worthy for yourself.

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Diane Brandon Moody: It will test your patience, yes, and…

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Diane Brandon Moody: Today, we're gonna navigate just how

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Diane Brandon Moody: doing online dating without losing your mind, and I lost one many times.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Or your hope, plus the other ways to meet people that have nothing to do with an app.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, buckle up, sweetie, let's talk about this.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, why is it worth staying on?

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Diane Brandon Moody: Math.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Math is why it's worth staying on.

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Diane Brandon Moody: 40% of couples meet that way now. It widens your world.

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Diane Brandon Moody: past just the handful of people that you'd run into in your neighborhood, or however you might meet them. So that's fine with me if that's what you want to do it.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Being over 50 here… I mean, there's a lot of people over 50 online. I'm sure you've noticed this. This was true when I was doing it 8 years ago, was the last time I did it. A lot of people looking.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, you can set the pace of how often you want to do it, and you can control the exits, which is good.

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Diane Brandon Moody: That is kind of powerful, if you think about it as that.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, low barrier can also mean, as I said, low effort. Somebody who says, hey, at 11, and that's it.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Blurry photos of a fish.

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Diane Brandon Moody: The profile with zero words. I mean…

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Diane Brandon Moody: Or… or not any effort put in at all.

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Diane Brandon Moody: The ones that you thought may be… maybe something, maybe something could come of this.

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Diane Brandon Moody: you… they go quiet all of a sudden, you don't really know why. The ones who write back don't move you very much, and so you go around and around just like a carousel.

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Diane Brandon Moody: It can be very fatiguing.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Swiping is a part-time job, nobody pays.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Pays you for.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So…

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Diane Brandon Moody: Here's the thing. If you're going to find yourself disqualifying men in 3 seconds flat, notice it with curiosity instead of judgment.

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Diane Brandon Moody: How about that? Like… Why is this…

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Diane Brandon Moody: disqualifying for me. There may be very good reasons. I'm not saying that there are not good reasons. There may be very good reasons why you're getting rid of this guy pretty early on.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And that would be fine. But if you're doing it out of habit, because he doesn't have your list of 110 things of what you want in the Kai.

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Diane Brandon Moody: yeah, let's slow that down and get a little more curious, because that is what will work for you long-term. And if you are disqualifying that fast.

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Diane Brandon Moody: What I want to say is that's a nervous system action. What you're doing is trying to protect yourself from further hurt, but you've convinced yourself that that's not what you're doing at all. You've convinced yourself that you're merely protecting yourself.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Or the heart wants what the heart wants.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Could be true.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And then again, you just may be protecting yourself and doing nothing better than that.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So… What I want you to do is just take a notice of that.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So I would say, and this is what I teach in Simply Irresistible, which is coming again in July, if you want more information about it, send me an email, info at dianebrandonmoody.com.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Is really start with some deep breaths before you even look.

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Diane Brandon Moody: at your website.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Take some good looks.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And see if anything in there really is something that you're not even the slightest bit curious about.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You're not marrying this guy, it's too early to make that decision. What you can say is, hey, is it worth a cup of coffee or a cocktail after dinner? Is there something… something somewhere that he's worth talking to?

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, don't run it like a project, don't run it like a job interview. Nobody's interested in that.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But, if… you…

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Diane Brandon Moody: Are paying attention to your body and how your body feels when you stumble on somebody who might, just might get past the first stage.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Then it's time to talk nervous system stuff, and like I said, that's a whole thing and simply irresistible.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Like I said, this isn't a job interview, so please resist the urge to interview him. Like, you don't want to be interviewed.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But just have a little bit of fun, have a little curiosity. Don't be attached to the way the date turns out at the end of the evening.

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Diane Brandon Moody: That is the fastest way you can screw up, and it's a way that I did it many times. I screwed up many times, because I liked him so much, I was, ready to make this into a relationship.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Before I got very far, and… You know, it… That is not good.

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Diane Brandon Moody: All you want in one of these dates, a coffee, whether it's a coffee date, a cocktail date, a dinner date, a walk around the park, an ice cream date, whatever it is.

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Diane Brandon Moody: All you want to know from this is, do you want a second date? That's all you need to ask. Do I want a second date?

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Diane Brandon Moody: And if the answer is no, and you can qualify that by why no is true, then you should move on. If you just automatically say no.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Hmm… there may be something to look at there.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Let's use your brain

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Diane Brandon Moody: In this process, in the early stages, you might have a little spark, you may think he's cute, you may think he is…

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Diane Brandon Moody: You know, able to carry on a conversation, all these things that you want in something, and you may think, you know, that's all cool that he can do this.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But, this is a time to just kind of silently sit back and use your brain at times.

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Diane Brandon Moody: He's probably gonna give you clues without your even asking.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Like, what happened to the last relationship, or the wife, or maybe he's still married and is trying to not tell you that, but somehow he slips up and he says that, so you gotta need to be a little bit of a detective in this.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Just… By being quiet and listening to what he says.

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Diane Brandon Moody: In evaluating it later when you get home.

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Diane Brandon Moody: That is a good place.

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Diane Brandon Moody: to be.

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Diane Brandon Moody: On a first date.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Not a lot more than that. Do you want a second date? That's really all you gotta do.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Another thing that you want is you want to be safe.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Safety is not asking for a lot.

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Diane Brandon Moody: It's asking for everything, and… At the same time.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Now, I am doing my last Dating Safely and Scam Free live program on June 25th, and if you want to come to that, it's free.

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Diane Brandon Moody: then sign up at Dianebrandonmoody.com slash safety, and we'll be on there. I don't think that every man out there is scary.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I don't think that every man out there is out to get you. I don't think every man out there is Jack the Ripper. I don't. I think most of them are very good people. But if you want to learn how to avoid the not-so-good ones.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I will be happy to discuss that live.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I think that also, and I have said this many times, Aside from online dating.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Get out in the world and have some fun.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Don't just be cranking on your phone all day, all night, looking for the next possibility.

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Diane Brandon Moody: to be disappointed over. Go do something fun. You may never meet the guy you want to be with. You may just be having fun. And fun changes

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Diane Brandon Moody: Fundamentally, how you handle this. When you're having a good time, you are a lot more attractive, versus somebody who is so cranked up because they keep going on around and around on these online

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Diane Brandon Moody: Ferris wheels.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You can also tell your friends that you're looking.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Maybe they are, too. You can hold…

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Diane Brandon Moody: Have a whole lot of fun on that.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, before we… I'm gonna close early on this, but just a few more things.

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Diane Brandon Moody: To note here, you can do more than one thing at a time.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You can be online and in person and talking to friends. You can do all of that at the same time, and it's okay. Make all of them fun, make all of them something that you're gonna do a little bit of. Do not make this your job.

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Diane Brandon Moody: That's the fastest way to make yourself crazy.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Treat your profile a little bit like a door that you're inviting someone through.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Your photos have to be recent.

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Diane Brandon Moody: They have to be accurate. If you are somebody saying, well, yeah, that was 6 years ago, but I looked really good then.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You're part of the problem.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If you're hiding the fact that you're 50 pounds higher than that photo.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Speaking as a plus-size woman myself, I'm telling you, you are the problem.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You have to be accurate, for two reasons. Number one, it is not fair to lie to a guy

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Diane Brandon Moody: And present yourself as something you're not.

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Diane Brandon Moody: That isn't gonna work. It's not.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Secondly.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You're missing out on the guy who maybe likes his women like you are, whatever that is. A little heavier.

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Diane Brandon Moody: or a little older, or a little more wise, or with gray hair, or whatever it is that you're trying to hide from everybody else because you feel pretty bad about it. You're missing the guy who might like that, and there are guys out there who do like it.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Do not, do not lie in your profile, do not lie in your photos. Make those accurate. If you still think that you have good reasons to keep those, because, hey, I don't look any different than I did 20 years ago.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You are so lying to yourself, and you're doing it to protect yourself, but in the meantime, you're pissing off a lot of people, and they're getting annoyed, and they don't want to be around you, and they chalk it up to another thing

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Diane Brandon Moody: that is wrong with online dating, and why women are all bad to date. Keep in mind, a guy isn't seeing all the guy photos.

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Diane Brandon Moody: He's not seeing that guys also lie about their age.

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Diane Brandon Moody: or that they don't put much effort into anything, and they don't read the profile. They're just reading the ones from women, and their most common complaint is that women use old photos and lie about their weight.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Don't do this.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If you feel like you are so awful to look at that you will not get a date at all… I don't believe this…

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Diane Brandon Moody: However, if you feel this way, then don't date at all until you can feel a little better about yourself.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Join Simply Irresistible, and we'll take care of that problem for you.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You need to be out doing stuff you love. You need to be hanging with people you love. Don't make the absence of romantic love

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Diane Brandon Moody: Be the project of your life.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I've been around people like that. I know I was like that at one time. It's tedious. You are not…

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Diane Brandon Moody: The best you can be.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And when that happens, Ain't nobody…

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Diane Brandon Moody: introducing you to their recently single brother-in-law. I mean, nobody's gonna do that.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, become the person you would like to be.

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Diane Brandon Moody: be around.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You can have a short list of non-negotiables. I know this happens among people. That's fine with me.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But, what you can't do is have a 50-mile long list of those non-negotiables, because that's not a man that's a Disney prince.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And nobody… nobody is gonna find that Disney prince.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Low effort? That's just a free filter.

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Diane Brandon Moody: A low-effort person tells you, whether it's a man or a woman, a low effort tells you that that is not your person.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, however you meet them, whether it's online or in line at the grocery store, none of it matters if your body just slams the door shut, if you suddenly get so afraid. If you get so afraid of meeting anybody because you read about an article where that happened once.

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Diane Brandon Moody: then you need to do two things. You need to get some clear information on how to be safe for yourself.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And you need to deal with your nervous system, because that's more of a nervous system issue than it is reality.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So I've said it before, but the last Dating Safely and Scam Free Guide

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Diane Brandon Moody: is going to be June 25th, it's a Thursday night, and

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Diane Brandon Moody: I'll go through all of this with you on how to be safe.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Simply Irresistible starts July 14th.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And if you are curious about that.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Book a love audit, dianebrandonmoody.com slash love audit, and we will talk about it.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, if any of this helped, can you please forward this?

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Diane Brandon Moody: To people that you know.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Please give me a review.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So I rise a little bit, and this gets out to more people.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And… In the meantime.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If you have an issue with online dating you don't know how to solve, send me an email.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Info at DianePrandonmoody.com.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So… That's all of what I have to say for this week.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I look forward to seeing and hearing from you soon.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I hope you're having a wonderful summer.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And let's get with it. I hope you find the love that you want and deserve.