Water seeks its own level and so do daters, Ep 65

Episode 65: Water Seeks Its Own Level, and So Do Daters

You keep meeting men who can't quite meet you. Different faces, same ceiling. You're across the table from someone who runs out of depth right as you're ready to go deeper, and you start to wonder if the good ones are simply gone.

Water seeks its own level. So do daters. The men who keep showing up tend to match the level you're currently able to receive from, not the size of the life you've built. Your worth was never the question here. What you're looking at is your current capacity, and capacity can grow. Raise your own level, your regulation, what you'll hold space for, what you'll no longer tolerate, and the water rises with you. A different kind of man comes into view and stays.

In this episode:

• Why "there are no good men left" often means "I keep meeting men at one particular level"
• What your level actually is, and why it has nothing to do with how impressive your résumé is
• The quiet ways an accomplished woman keeps the water low without realizing it, every one of them protection rather than a flaw
• How raising your level changes who you notice, who you tolerate, and who stays
• The difference between settling and choosing from a full place

A line worth saving: you will not out-strategize your own ceiling. Raise the level, and the pool changes.

I know this because I did the work myself. After 41 years of dating, I placed one ad at 57 and married for the first time at 58. My life didn't get more impressive that year. My capacity to receive did.

Happening this week: My free live class, Dating Safely and Scam-Free, is this Thursday, June 25, at 7 p.m. Central, live online. If you're dating in today's landscape, this is the one that keeps you safe while you stay open to love. Save your spot at dianebrandonmoody.com/safety.

If this episode named something you're ready to change, that's exactly what a Love Audit is for. You can book yours at dianebrandonmoody.com/love-audit.

A question to sit with, and to answer in a review if it landed: where in your dating life have you been trying to change the men instead of raising the water?

Diane Brandon Moody is a dating coach for accomplished women over 50 and host of the Fiftysomething Love podcast. Her love story was featured in The New York Times.

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Transcript

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Diane Brandon Moody: Hey there, this is Diane Brandon Moody, and I'm here with another edition of 50-something Love, and this time, the title is Water Seeks Its Own Level, and what am I talking about?

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Diane Brandon Moody: Before I say that, I want to remind you that June 25th, Thursday night, is the last public

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Diane Brandon Moody: Dating safely and scam-free.

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Diane Brandon Moody: that I'm going to be doing this year. I hope you can join. It's free to be there. Go to my website, dianebrandonmoody.com slash safety.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And we will be happy to have you inside for that.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And a reminder that July 14th is when we start Simply Irresistible again, which I'm very excited about.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But, back to water seeks its own level.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I hope I don't sound mean, because I'm not trying to be.

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Diane Brandon Moody: What happens so often… the metaphor means, like, when there's water.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And if there's not a barrier to water, like a rock or, you know, underground trees or something, if we're talking like a pond.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Water will stay the same level.

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Diane Brandon Moody: It doesn't just go like this all of a sudden, unless there's something under it impeding it. It will stay level.

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Diane Brandon Moody: The same level.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, what Water Seeks Its Own Level has meant for, I don't know how long, is that…

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Diane Brandon Moody: Usually, when people are looking for each other.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You look for somebody along your own level lines.

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Diane Brandon Moody: What does that mean?

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, one way that we protect ourselves from… Potential broken hearts.

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Diane Brandon Moody: the scariness of intimacy, of being with another person, and being intimate, and oh my god, what if they know who I am, and they see me who I am?

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Diane Brandon Moody: Is that we will try to seek either a higher level that is not our level, or we'll seek a lower level.

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Diane Brandon Moody: That we're not their level.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And I mean this not in terms of looks or money or anything like that, but mostly in terms of

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Diane Brandon Moody: Mostly in terms of maturity.

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Diane Brandon Moody: There is some… I think in money, this tends to be true.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Although…

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Diane Brandon Moody: it can change a little bit, and I'll get to that in a minute. But, in maturity, in ability to love, in openness is where it's most important.

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Diane Brandon Moody: That people are seeking their own level.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, one way that people protect themselves from intimacy, or… from…

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Diane Brandon Moody: You know, really being with someone, even though they want to be.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Is they will create these fantasy lists.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You want the guy to be 6'4". There are not many of them.

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Diane Brandon Moody: My brother is, but not many of them.

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Diane Brandon Moody: They look young, they keep in shape, they're never sick, they're sophisticated, they're available, they never get hurt, but they need to be sensitive.

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Diane Brandon Moody: They need to have money and want to spend it on you.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But they also need to spend their money wisely.

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Diane Brandon Moody: They can be jaded a little bit, not too jaded.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And… they're gonna think you're amazing.

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Diane Brandon Moody: That's a little bit more of a Disney prince than it is a real guy, especially at this age, because I'm telling you, honey, we have all had our hearts broken at some point or another by this age. By the time you're over 50, your heart has been broken at least once, if not

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Diane Brandon Moody: 2, 3, 4, 5 times.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So people do get jaded a little bit.

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Diane Brandon Moody: later in life, and they get protective, honestly. They get a little protective in terms of what they're looking for.

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Diane Brandon Moody: What a man's list might look like…

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Diane Brandon Moody: Is… he wants a woman who looks 30 years old.

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Diane Brandon Moody: She's a virgin, or close to it.

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Diane Brandon Moody: She hasn't been with many men, but she's actually closer to his age while not having sex, but she needs to be really good at it in the bedroom. No baggage, no drama.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Dude, quit saying that. If you're a guy listening to me right now, it… to me, that was always an automatic turn-off in an ad, when you say, no drama. What that tells me is you're not capable of dealing with feelings, so don't do that.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Don't. It's a mistake.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But they… they want her to be nurturing, but they want her to have all her own money. But she wants to be taken care of.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, he can… he can do that for her. As a result, both men and women, if these are true of you or anybody you know, and it's exaggerated to make a point, I understand that.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Really all that does is protect you from one more heartbreak.

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Diane Brandon Moody: It does insulate you from loss.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Because people do not live up to that stuff.

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Diane Brandon Moody: They don't.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And we work on that in Simply Irresistible, I want to say that, too. We… that is something that we work on quite a bit, is to what

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Diane Brandon Moody: what's really necessary and what isn't, where we should stretch our desires a little bit. Because, you know, every time you…

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Diane Brandon Moody: Kick somebody out, like…

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Diane Brandon Moody: If you're just insisting that he has to be 6'2", and he can't be 1 inch shorter than that.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You were kicking out most men in the world. Most men in the world are not 6'2 and taller, they just aren't.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, by kicking them out of the process, you have already made it harder for yourself

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Diane Brandon Moody: By making your pools smaller.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You know, this is all your secret protection, and it's so secret, you're not realizing that's what you're doing.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You really aren't even noticing it.

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Diane Brandon Moody: you're… you're not really looking for the love of another human being, you're looking for sort of a fantasy guy, or like I said, a Disney prince.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Then you can blame the entire gender pool. All men are blah blah blah, and all women are blah blah blah.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Women only want money.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Men only want sex, blah blah blah blah blah. None of that is true of every guy, and it will be true of just enough to keep the stereotypes alive.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But the whole reason for really doing that is you're protecting yourself from the vulnerability of love.

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Diane Brandon Moody: At 65, if you're at a level of 65, I'm 65, your contemporaries have gray hair. They probably have a few extra pounds.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You're not gonna find that many men or women who have Sports Illustrated bodies at 65. Maybe they did once, I didn't.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But they don't have it now.

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Diane Brandon Moody: They may have health problems. If I hear one more woman say all they want is a nurse or a purse.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You're not allowed to say that, and at the same time, be looking for love, because honestly, every time you say that, it just reinforces your belief that nobody measures up, and nobody is your level.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Don't say that anymore. I don't want to hear it from anybody. Don't say it.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If you want a millionaire, that's fine. Once again, you cut out a whole bunch of the population who may be able to love you and love you very well.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But… That is something you can work on together as a financial goal.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If you're insisting that that's what you want.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You're just cutting out so many people that that in itself is your protection.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Secret.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Super secret protection.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Real love between two people? I mean, you guys have lived.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I've lived, he's lived, everybody's lived. By this time, we've lived. We've had a rough time.

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Diane Brandon Moody: We've had surgeries.

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Diane Brandon Moody: We've had health problems.

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Diane Brandon Moody: We've had people die.

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Diane Brandon Moody: In the family.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I… it's more important for me to have somebody who can be with me, When that happens.

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Diane Brandon Moody: than it is… for him to be a Sports Illustrated model, although I think my husband's pretty handsome.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You have wear and tear.

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Diane Brandon Moody: On your body, on your psyche.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Pretty much everywhere, there's wear and tear.

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Diane Brandon Moody: When you stop looking for fantasy and start looking for an equal.

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Diane Brandon Moody: That pool, that pond, it gets bigger!

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Diane Brandon Moody: It gets bigger in terms of sophistication, of intelligence, of education, of… Desire to… Be with each other.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You can make exceptions when you want to, but keep thinking how to make the pool bigger, not smaller.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So… That's my water seeks its own level.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Podcast episode.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Again, the reminders, Thursday, June 25th.

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Diane Brandon Moody: We're gonna be doing… One more…

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Diane Brandon Moody: Dating, dating safely and scam-free.

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Diane Brandon Moody: For the public, and it's free.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, be there.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You'll learn some valuable insights one way or the other. And you can ask questions if I've left something out.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Also, Simply Irresistible, where we learn how to seek our own level.

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Diane Brandon Moody: in love.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But not settling for something below that.

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Diane Brandon Moody: That will be beginning July 14th, and again, I ask you.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Go to the website, dianebrandedmoody.com slash love audit, book a time, let's talk! I would love to talk to you. That would be great.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, thank you for being with me. I hope you guys are having a wonderful summer.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And I'll see you again soon.