Why can't we discuss hard things like grownups when we're dating? Ep 66

You want something real. Then a conversation turns toward what you actually want, and it gets tense, or you go quiet, or you reach for the tired line. All he wants is a nurse or a purse. All she wants is my money.

Here's what those lines are really doing. Every time you say one, you teach your own brain to expect exactly that, and then you keep finding it. Grown-up dating sounds different, and it gets you to the truth a lot faster.

In this episode:

• Why the cynical catchphrases quietly work against you, and what to say instead
• The two assumptions that wreck good conversations, assuming he understands you and assuming you already know what he thinks, plus the simple question that clears both up
• The month-three conversation: what to actually ask once you're considering building something, from what you each want, to money and retirement in big-picture terms, to houses, kids, and health, to what you're each looking forward to in this chapter
• The truth the nurse-or-purse crowd never mentions: one day you might be the one who needs care. I share what that has looked like in my own marriage, and why a man who shows up in the hard moments matters far more than whether he's six foot four
• The conversation about when sex happens, why the third date is the grown-up place for it, and a short word for the men

None of this has to feel like an interview. Keep it a real conversation. And you would so much rather know by month three than three years in.

A line worth saving: stop rehearsing the worst about people, because your brain is listening, and it will go find the proof.

On the horizon: I'm reopening Simply Irresistible, my small-group program for women ready to go deeper than a podcast can take them, beginning July 14th. I'm putting the finishing touches on a few things, so more soon. If you're already curious whether it's for you, the way in is a conversation. Book a Love Audit at dianebrandonmoody.com/love-audit and we'll see if you're a fit and if I am for you.

A question to sit with: where have you been bracing for the worst in someone before they've had the chance to show you who they are?

Diane Brandon Moody is a dating coach for accomplished women over 50 and host of the Fiftysomething Love podcast. Her love story was featured in The New York Times.

The 7 Dating Patterns Smart Women Don't Realize They're Running - And Why Recognizing Yours Changes Everything. 

Transcript

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Diane Brandon Moody: Hi there, welcome back. I'm Diane Brandon Moody, and I am talking to you today about 50-something Love, and the episode is Communicating Like Grown-ups.

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Diane Brandon Moody: What was that like?

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Diane Brandon Moody: Okay, so…

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Diane Brandon Moody: Before I get to that, I want to remind you that Simply Irresistible begins again on July 14th. I would love to have you in there. The group is a small group workshop. I've talked about it before, but book a love audit.

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Diane Brandon Moody: with me, dianebrandonmoody.com slash loveaudit. We can talk all about it, see if you're a good fit, if I'm a good fit for you, and I look forward to talking to you about that soon.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, communicating like grown-ups. This…

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Diane Brandon Moody: is the advice I have to give people all… all the time when I am messing around in a Facebook group for singles, or, you know,

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Diane Brandon Moody: I'm talking to a friend who's really not knowing what to say to someone, They're dating, and…

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Diane Brandon Moody: It's usually pretty easy to do, and that's just me to crown up and talk about it.

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Diane Brandon Moody: What… what doesn't work is repeating these stupid phrases, like nurse or a purse, or, oh, she wants is my money. Every time you say that, you reinforce that belief in your head, and your brain hears.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Huh. I guess all she wants is a guy with a nurse and… who wants a nurse and a purse. I guess, so, okay, let's deliver her another one. Here you go, sister. And the same thing with men. Every time you say, all they want is your money.

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Diane Brandon Moody: That's so tedious.

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Diane Brandon Moody: you know, you're just making it come through for yourself every time you talk like that. That's not grown up.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Another thing that's not very grown up is assuming that each other understands what the heck you're talking about.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I would say that happens a lot in our household, that he says something, and I don't know what he's talking about, and vice versa, and we have to ask and say, like, I… I don't… what are you talking about? I don't know where we are with this.

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Diane Brandon Moody: It's a very simple question, just… I'm not sure what that means. What are you saying? And before you get all bent out of shape over whatever it is, just ask. It's pretty easy to ask. I don't understand what that's about.

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Diane Brandon Moody: What isn't very grown up, also, is assuming you understand what the other person thinks.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Only once a sex.

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Diane Brandon Moody: you know, like, maybe, but all you have to do is have a grown-up conversation if you are with a guy who is far enough along that that may be something you're willing to do somewhere along the line. This isn't something you do immediately.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You can actually find ways of getting together if you're talking about

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Diane Brandon Moody: what you want out of a relationship, and what he wants out of a relationship, and if you're talking in a reasonable fashion, and you're not looking for a Disney prince or princess, then you can actually get somewhere pretty fast. It's not that hard.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I can give you some questions, and these to ask a man, since most of the people who listen to me are women. These are not first or second date questions. This is around month 3, when you're actually considering, maybe, you want to build something.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Now, I realize some people get excited way too soon before month 3, and some people it takes a little bit longer, but I would say…

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Diane Brandon Moody: A lot of couples around the third month, they're like.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Hmm, this may go somewhere sometime. Maybe not yet, but sometime.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So… The questions are like, what are you really looking for in a relationship?

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Diane Brandon Moody: You probably ask something like that around the first or second date, because…

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Diane Brandon Moody: Some of that can be weeded out. If it's like, well, I never want to get married again, I just want somebody to go to the movies with, then the other person has a chance to say, huh, that sounds good to me too, or they can say, well, sorry, I'm looking for something a little more.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You can get that out.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You know, pretty early on. But, assuming you made it to 3 months, like.

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Diane Brandon Moody: That's a good answer, a good question to ask.

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Diane Brandon Moody: What are your beliefs about women in marriage and partnership?

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Diane Brandon Moody: What do each of us contribute to the relationship?

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Diane Brandon Moody: I would not define it too much further than that, because if you do, you're kind of…

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Diane Brandon Moody: Making clear what you're asking for, rather than just being curious about where he stands.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And again, what anybody wants at this stage is fine. I don't have any problem with it. It's just, you may be a mismatch, and wouldn't you rather know it by month 3 than not?

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Diane Brandon Moody: If he says, well, I want a subservient woman, personally, I would walk away, like, okay, I have one, not me. Or if he says, you know.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If you're part of the religions that really think that's a great idea, then…

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Diane Brandon Moody: go for it. I mean, if you both agree on that.

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Diane Brandon Moody: you know, are you both expected to work and bring home salary? What are you looking for in terms of retirement funds? How are you looking at how do you want to spend retirement?

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Diane Brandon Moody: What is… The financial picture looking like?

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Diane Brandon Moody: You probably would get a quick summary at the third month. It's not a detailed thing to ask until you get much later on, but you can ask it.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You know, at 3 months, like, Big picture.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Would we need a prima?

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Diane Brandon Moody: prenup.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Which house would we live in, assuming you both own houses?

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Diane Brandon Moody: What about the kids?

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Diane Brandon Moody: Do we combine finances, or do we keep them separate?

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Diane Brandon Moody: It's a good time to ask if… if you… by this time, you really probably wouldn't know if either of you has a child with significant disabilities and would be a part of

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Diane Brandon Moody: You know, everyday life for… the rest of your lives, it's a good idea to know what that entails.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Fairly early on, because… you know, that can change your life. It just can.

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Diane Brandon Moody: What's your health?

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Diane Brandon Moody: like…

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Diane Brandon Moody: I am on a health kick right now, and I feel great about it. I've been working pretty hard on it.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So… I think people feel better when they're very health-conscious, working towards

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Diane Brandon Moody: Being healthy in their later years.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You can't stop everything.

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Diane Brandon Moody: From happening to you, that's just not possible. But you can do your best.

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Diane Brandon Moody: To not have to worry about dementia or cancer or whatever could happen.

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Diane Brandon Moody: What are you looking forward to in this part of your life?

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Diane Brandon Moody: That's a good one.

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Diane Brandon Moody: That's a nice thing.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Here is the thing that I never hear anybody talk about, and it just drives me crazy. For every time somebody is blabbing along about a nurse or a purse.

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Diane Brandon Moody: What you don't realize is you may be the one who needs help.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Somewhere down the line.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I've had 3 surgeries since we got married 7 years ago.

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Diane Brandon Moody: One on each knee, and I had a hysterectomy because I had uterine cancer.

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Diane Brandon Moody: The neat things were probably gonna happen one day or another. Those were significant issues for a while.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Uterine cancer was a big shock. Nobody in my family's ever had anything like that, and it was just a big surprise to me.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Lucky for me, my husband's great at taking care of me in situations like that. He… he doesn't mind. He's great at it. He helps me with my mother, who has dementia.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, looking at those kinds of things is so much more important than, is he 6'4" or not?

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Diane Brandon Moody: Those are the things you need to look at.

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Diane Brandon Moody: when you're talking about these kinds of things, it's not an interview, it's a conversation. It doesn't have to be hardcore, it doesn't have to be…

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Diane Brandon Moody: Anything tough?

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Diane Brandon Moody: it can be a pretty easy conversation. Here's one for…

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Diane Brandon Moody: around your third date, because I didn't write it down, and I almost forgot about it.

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Diane Brandon Moody: The question is always about when is sex gonna happen, and…

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Diane Brandon Moody: Many times, this question is asked way too soon from men to women.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Men, don't ask this. Just don't.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Not if you're serious.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And, it's because they probably haven't had it in a while, and so they want to know when it's coming.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And I think my rule of thumb is, I think it's fine to talk about it on the third date.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I don't think you need to talk about it sooner than that, because anybody asking sooner than that is probably not your guy.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And, just asking the question about it, it…

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Diane Brandon Moody: After the third date, there may be more interest in both of you. By the third date, maybe neither one of you are interested, so there's no point in having this conversation prior to that.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I'm not saying you have to have sex on the third date, that's not the conversation, you don't do it until you want to, but having the conversation as to when it might be

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Diane Brandon Moody: Is a third date kind of thing.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I think that's a reasonable place to be, to ask that. It's like, well, it's gonna take me another month to know if I can trust you, or…

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Diane Brandon Moody: You know, yeah, let's get it on right now, or…

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Diane Brandon Moody: Maybe it's like, I'm religious and I won't be doing it until I'm married. That's an important conversation to have, because then you can decide

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Diane Brandon Moody: How important it is for both of you to wait.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Not an unreasonable thing.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Okay, so that's my conversation about having adult conversations.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I hope to see you in Simply Irresistible.

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Diane Brandon Moody: July 14th.

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Diane Brandon Moody: We begin… Please book a call. I can't wait to talk to you.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Thank you.