Red, Green & Yellow Flags, Ep 79

Are you ever confused with a date's behavior and wonder if it's worth continuing? Here's a hint: if you're confused by it, chances are you're better off not seeing him again. 

Here's a list of some of my favorite green flags, yellow flags (questionable) and red flags. 

I hope to see you in Simply Irresistible soon!

Here's the new quiz, it's fun and funny and will let you know how ready you are for love  - quiz.dianebrandonmoody.com. Sign up here for the Simply Irresistible Priority List! It's free and no obligation. https://www.dianebrandonmoody.com

Transcript

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Diane Brandon Moody: Hey everybody, Diane Brandon Moody here again for another episode of 50-something Love.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, today's topic is pretty elementary as far as I'm concerned, but I've had questions come in on Instagram and places like that.

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Diane Brandon Moody: About this particular topic, and that's green flags, red flags, yellow flags, and which are the ones that you need to pay attention to earlier rather than later. So, I jotted down some notes, and I'm going to…

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Diane Brandon Moody: You know, share some of that with you.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I have to say that sometimes these are gray areas.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And so, what I really think it's a good idea for you to do is to take a breath.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And not overreact in the moment. Even if it's the reddest of red flags.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Take a little bit of time.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And…

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Diane Brandon Moody: breathe deeply, and then, if you know how to do a nervous system exercise, that's a great way to do it, because that's something that I'm teaching so much in Simply Irresistible these days.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Is, how nervous system exercises can

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Diane Brandon Moody: Really make you into a better more creative thinker.

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Diane Brandon Moody: and have a better picture of the whole thing. If you are just automatically biting someone's head off.

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Diane Brandon Moody: They may even deserve it, but this is not doing you any good at all. So… anyway.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I am gonna…

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Diane Brandon Moody: just keep on going with that, and before I do, though, I want you to make sure And…

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Diane Brandon Moody: If you're interested in the next cohort of Simply Irresistible.

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Diane Brandon Moody: That link is live on my website right now.

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Diane Brandon Moody: you can sign up for it if you like. It's a priority list, it's not any kind of declaration, it's not a promise, you're not hemmed in, but it's just an idea of letting me know.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If you may be interested for the next round. So you can go to Dianebrandonmoody.com, it's in the banner of my website, and, you know, just click on it and sign up.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And there's no charge, no obligation after that.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, enough of that. Let's just get with the flags already. Come on, Diane, what are the flags?

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Diane Brandon Moody: Okay.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, here are some of the greenest of green flags that I absolutely love.

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Diane Brandon Moody: One is… Does he plan dates in advance?

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Diane Brandon Moody: This is amazing, and it tends to be a long time forgotten skill set.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, I'm going to tell you right now, gentlemen, if you want to really stand out.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Among the women that you're asking out, this is how to do it.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Ask her out in advance.

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Diane Brandon Moody: A couple of days, it doesn't have to be forever. Ask her in what part of the neighborhood, you know, the city, the neighborhood, or the area.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Ask her… In what area is she in?

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Diane Brandon Moody: Ask her what kind of food she likes, if it's gonna be dinner, or what's her favorite ice cream place, or…

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Diane Brandon Moody: you know, Where's your favorite wine hangout place? This is not…

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Diane Brandon Moody: to say that you have to do anything major or huge, but I know that my husband asked that for our first date, and I was just absolutely

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Diane Brandon Moody: bowled over by it, because it hadn't been done in a while. So you will stand out a lot. And ladies, if a guy does this.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Even if you are not in a,

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Diane Brandon Moody: If you're not in any way…

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Diane Brandon Moody: attracted to this person, and it doesn't work out. He still gets major kudos for being the gentleman and asking you out and giving you some time.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, another thing. He doesn't bring up sex for his thing.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Man, don't do this! You just look like an animal when you do it! I don't care how long it's been since you've done it.

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Diane Brandon Moody: To ask a woman that.

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Diane Brandon Moody: On the phone before you meet her in person, or on the first date, anytime before the third date.

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Diane Brandon Moody: It's just tacky and rude, and it will, in 99% of the time.

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Diane Brandon Moody: It will not go well for you. So don't do that.

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Diane Brandon Moody: This is something that I encourage women to have the conversation on by around the third date. Doesn't mean you have to be doing it then.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But you can easily have a conversation. It's good to have a conversation that says, you know, the third date is a great time for me.

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Diane Brandon Moody: that would be awesome. Or…

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Diane Brandon Moody: Maybe I'm somebody who's religious, and I wait for a year, or till marriage, or whatever. Anything like that, it's a good conversation to have on the third date.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Because if you don't…

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Diane Brandon Moody: I mean, let's face it, he's gonna wanna do it sometime if he's with you.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And not discussing it at all will just erode trust on both sides.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Speaking of trust… If there is…

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Diane Brandon Moody: Anything to take away from this?

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Diane Brandon Moody: Please understand that trust builds slowly. It just does. That's for the men, and that's for the women.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Trust takes a little while to build. That doesn't mean she comes into this distrusting human. She probably doesn't have a beef about you specifically.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But…

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Diane Brandon Moody: There are men who are not trustworthy, and she doesn't know you separately from them. You could all be part of the same pile, for all she knows. So trust…

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Diane Brandon Moody: will build slowly over time. This is not an insult.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I have said this before, but there were a couple of times when I was dating.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I never came out and said, I don't trust you, or anything like that. I never indicated to a guy that I didn't trust him.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But what I did say a couple of times, if he was wanting to come pick me up, or something like that, and it was the first or second date, I would always have a reason why he couldn't do that. Like, you know, I had a meeting going on, it'll be easier for me to meet you, or whatever.

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Diane Brandon Moody: For the guys who would get very mad and say, you don't trust me, the answer was, of course I don't, I don't know you at all.

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Diane Brandon Moody: That doesn't mean I distrust you, but that doesn't mean I do trust you. So, guys.

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Diane Brandon Moody: be reasonable in what you expect from trust. It will build slowly for both of you, actually.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If a guy asks you questions about your life, this is also a good green flag.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If he talks only about himself, That's… A red flag.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And so, ladies, what you can do in that moment is simply interrupt him and start talking yourself.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But, if it were me, I would be kind of less attracted if all he did was kind of give me a podcast about all of his achievements and didn't ask me anything about myself. I would be very bored by that. He may be

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Diane Brandon Moody: the most impressive guy on the planet, but if that's all he can talk about, that's boring. So, guys, you know, ask her some questions. They don't have to be deep, they can be any questions.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, if a guy…

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Diane Brandon Moody: Shows up on time, or he communicates if he can't be on time, that's good, most people are reasonable about it.

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Diane Brandon Moody: He needs to treat service staff respectfully, because rudeness in that area should set off alarm bells.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If he has decided to take responsibility for his past, he doesn't have to tell you everything about it on the first date, but when he starts talking about his past, or the marriage that broke up, or the girlfriend that he doesn't have anymore.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If he's gonna talk about that, he needs to be mature enough to talk about his role in what happened. I would call it a big red flag if he just automatically starts talking about how awful she was, and how she was 100% to blame, because people, this is life, and that doesn't happen.

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Diane Brandon Moody: It's never 100% one person or the other, it just isn't. So…

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Diane Brandon Moody: I would consider that a huge red flag.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If he can disagree with you respectfully on whatever topic you're talking about, that's a good thing.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If he respects your boundaries without giving you the third degree, that's amazing.

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Diane Brandon Moody: if I'm talking about sex here, which I guess I could be.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If he's pushing you for that, and you decline, and he keeps pushing you for that.

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Diane Brandon Moody: That's a big red flag to me.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You should feel safe around them.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And the relationship Progresses at a comfortable pace.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Here are some red flags here.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Anger issues like road rage, yelling at waiters…

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Diane Brandon Moody: He's pushing that physical boundary, and…

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Diane Brandon Moody: nagging and trying to convince you about why you need to have sex immediately, if he's ignoring your comfort level, or how safe you feel. Get up and walk away right then. Just do it right then. Don't even apologize.

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Diane Brandon Moody: throw your… Share the money on the table and leave.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If he shows up at your place uninvited, lock the door, and don't ever see him again.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Love bombing is a huge red flag, but it feels really good in the moment, especially if you have not had a date lightly. If you haven't had a date lately.

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Diane Brandon Moody: You may feel really good when you start getting, you know, the, oh, you're so beautiful, oh, I like you so much, oh, we're gonna go to Jamaica in a month, and oh, I can't wait to

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Diane Brandon Moody: Introduce you to my mother, and…

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Diane Brandon Moody: By the way, here's a handbag that I… designer handbag that I saw, and I thought of you, and…

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Diane Brandon Moody: Too many expensive gifts, too many gifts of any kind, too much future talk.

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Diane Brandon Moody: That's immature, at the very least, it's controlling at the worst.

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Diane Brandon Moody: anything like that is too much, it's love bombing, and you don't want it. That's not good for you.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If…

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Diane Brandon Moody: the situation is he's meeting you for the first time, and he tells you you're very pretty. That's a nice compliment.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And it can end right there. You don't have to pile it on. Piling it on does not make it better, it actually makes it worse.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If he's caught in lies, Then, no.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If he doesn't have photos on his profile showing his face…

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Diane Brandon Moody: No, because he's probably married or has a record.

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Diane Brandon Moody: He won't video chat.

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Diane Brandon Moody: He could be a scammer, he could be in prison, he could be married,

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Diane Brandon Moody: None of those are good reasons.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If he can only meet during work hours, again, a sign he could be married.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If he tries to make you feel guilty for having boundaries.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If he gaslights you, if he's hot one minute and cold the next.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Please don't try to audition for him and make him like you. I don't care how cool you think he is, if he's giving you hot and cold behavior.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Please don't let him hook you like that. It's not good for you.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If his words and actions don't match, that's not good.

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Diane Brandon Moody: One thing we're looking for is words and actions matching.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Over time, consistently.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And if they don't, Nope. He's a big nope.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If he asks for money under any circumstances.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Doesn't want… if he wants your financial information, please do not share that.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If he suggests joints… joint accounts, or early purchases, or he can't verify his employment, no.

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Diane Brandon Moody: That isn't to say that men who have less money don't deserve love, they most certainly do.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But they don't need to be getting love

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Diane Brandon Moody: from your bank account. That's not the way that works. You want somebody who's a grown-up, who has a job.

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Diane Brandon Moody: He may be making less than you do, he may be making less than you prefer.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Hopefully he's got a plan for something better.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Eventually, that he's gonna be able to, to grow, financially.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But, no, you don't need to be as a mama.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, when you've got a red flag, that means end it immediately. Don't… you don't have to explain it, you don't have to justify it, block if you need to, and tell a friend for accountability.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Don't… don't try to make them change. That's not your job at the stage of dating. It's not at all your job. It's never your job, but it's really not your job in the beginning.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Now, here's… here are a few yellow flags, and these mean just slow down and observe.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, they just… you might just need a little bit more information. Like, you don't need to make a decision right then.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If he only texts, often sporadically avoids phone calls. Personally, I wouldn't put up with that. I would call that a red flag myself, but if you want a little more information, you can. It's not particularly dangerous.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If he's vague about his daily life, unless he's a spy, it probably means he's married, so, you know, I wouldn't really want to do that, but if you want to give it a little bit more space before you know, then that's fine, but don't get hooked in before you have information.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I personally don't think it's a good idea for people who have recently separated, like, less than a year, you're still working out complicated feelings, and probably complicated arrangements, like financial arrangements, living arrangements, the kids, whatever.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, I don't think that's a good idea, men or women, to be doing that until they're done and dusted with the divorce.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If he talks about his ex frequently and bitterly.

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Diane Brandon Moody: whether he's telling the truth or not, it really doesn't matter. If he's having this conversation over and over again, he's just not ready. He's… he's not ready.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And you need to just say, call me when you're ready.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If you feel like that, and if you want to move on, that's fine.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If he has adult children or brothers and sisters who don't speak to him, that could be a red flag, and it might be just a yellow flag, like, maybe there's a really good reason for that, I don't know what it is.

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Diane Brandon Moody: If he's only available at weird hours, never ever invites you to his place, and I mean, after you're a couple, then I think that would be something of a yellow flag, if not a red one.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And if he's always talking about money, like, too much or too little, expects you to pay half from day one, personally.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I think that as grown-ups, we can…

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Diane Brandon Moody: We can decide that. We can have a conversation about that. With the economy today, maybe…

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Diane Brandon Moody: Maybe it's not working out that he pays for everything on a first date.

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Diane Brandon Moody: That's a yellow flag. For me, I really appreciated it if a guy paid for it.

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Diane Brandon Moody: and…

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Diane Brandon Moody: If he didn't, it probably didn't have anything to do with my respect for him, but it definitely had something to do with my attraction to him.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I know there was somebody who didn't warn me ahead of time, and then said, you know, during the day, well, we're splitting this, and here's my part, and I didn't know, I wasn't necessarily prepared.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And, didn't really have much attraction for him ever since. We still know each other, still talk occasionally, but there was no attraction there.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, if he's…

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Diane Brandon Moody: you know, flashes his money a lot. That's also an area where it may be insecurity on his part, in fact, it probably is, that he's trying to show off a little bit.

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Diane Brandon Moody: But… to me, that would be just kind of weird. I would not be all that interested. So…

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Diane Brandon Moody: Anyway, those are some red…

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Diane Brandon Moody: Green and yellow, which you can decide yourself which one that you want to do.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So, once again, if you would like to sign up for the priority list, you'll be the first ones to hear about Simply Irresistible when

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Diane Brandon Moody: That is announced next, which will be…

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Diane Brandon Moody: Hmm, one of these days, I don't have a date yet, but it won't be too far away.

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Diane Brandon Moody: I would love to have you on that, no obligation at all.

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Diane Brandon Moody: So… I hope you're enjoying your summer.

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Diane Brandon Moody: And… Let's have some great dates.

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Diane Brandon Moody: Why don't we?

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Diane Brandon Moody: Thank you very much. I hope to talk to you again before long.