Episode 31: (Dana Baltutis Parent Coach and Speech Pathologist)- The Foundations for Expanded Parenting

What if societal norms are holding our neurodivergent children back? Join me as I break down the conventional molds and explore why it's time to celebrate the unique ways our children interact with the world. I challenge the necessity of making kids sit still during circle time or play with toys in a standardized manner. Inspired by the Conscious Parenting book by Shojays and Polizzi, I dive into the phenomenon of tall poppy syndrome, particularly in Australia and New Zealand, and its impact on parenting styles. Discover the importance of raising emotionally intelligent, resilient, and healthy children, and understand the pitfalls of instinctual parenting—whether it's undoing, redoing, or living through your children.

Ready to transform your parenting journey? My conversation emphasizes self-care for parents, the crucial need to heal from childhood traumas, and the role of parents as guides rather than fixers. Learn practical tips for nurturing yourself daily, which in turn fosters a healthier connection with your child. I also discuss the significance of building strong parent-child relationships by genuinely listening to and following your child's interests. For parents of teens, patience and authentic interest are key. Begin your expanded parenting journey now and remember, nurturing yourself is the cornerstone to a meaningful relationship with your child.

danabaltutis.com,  mytherapyhouse.com.au, https://mytherapyhouse.com.au/your-childs-therapy-journey/ https://www.danabaltutis.com/services

Transcript

Dana Baltutis 1:18

As you may now gather if you've listened to my previous podcasts and had a look at my webpage, as well as my Therapy House webpage, I am passionate about helping children be the best they can be. I want them to thrive and feel accepted in this world, especially children who are wired differently, who are neurodivergent. I want them to feel like they know they are amazing, they feel they are brilliant and they belong. They belong to our tribe. In my work as a speech pathologist, I've experienced many parents and other adults and carers trying to change children who are wired differently to fit into their way of thinking, to fit into their adult world. The child isn't sitting during circle time. The child isn't speaking. The child isn't sharing. The child doesn't want to play with toys. There are more doesn'ts than does connected to children who are unique. Why is that? Who says they need to sit at circle time? Who says they need to speak? Who says they need to share? Who says they need to play with toys? What if the child needs to move around the room to be able to focus during, or circle or group time? What if the child communicates in ways other than speaking? What if the child will share other things but not their favorite toy. I find it hard to share my own favorite things. What if the child has different ways of playing, for example, in nature and exploratory play versus indoor and structured play?

Dana Baltutis 3:00

Often we find it hard to see past the dozens because we're afraid of embracing our uniqueness, our own uniqueness, and standing out. Especially in Australia and New Zealand, there's a phenomenon called the tall poppy syndrome. There's a phenomenon called the tall poppy syndrome. This is when someone does stand out in the crowd, usually for being successful, and then is criticised and knocked down by their peers. This is because their peers often feel inadequate, not good enough and even jealous. So the tall poppies need to be cut down, so they don't stand out and put down everyone else. The opposite is true. When children aren't perceived as fitting into the quote-unquote normal bell curve, parents, carers, teachers often feel like they are pressured to make sure their child is able to develop in such a way that they will be accepted by society, and anything different or outside this bell curve, quote unquote is looked on as weird or eccentric. And did you know? We are all unique in some way or other. We all have something special. For some of us, it takes a lifetime to find this uniqueness inside of us and let it out and own it. So if we as adults have difficulty doing this, then how can we expect our children to be able to be accepted by others?

Dana Baltutis 4:43

In the Conscious Parenting book by Shojays and Polizzi I will give the reference in my session notes they state raising emotionally intelligent, mentally resilient, physically healthy and spiritually strong kids is the most important mission we have been gifted, but it's also the hardest. Same goes for parents, carers and adults who work, care for and raise children. For us as adults, to be emotionally intelligent, mentally resilient, physically healthy and strong takes effort. It takes courage and work. It takes working on ourselves to be the best we can be for our children. Our world is busy. Our world is demanding. Our world is fast. Our world is busy. Our world is demanding, our world is fast.

Dana Baltutis 5:47

Often, raising children becomes instinctual. People are on autopilot as they go on their parenting journey. This is called instinctual parenting. There are three types of instinctual parenting, where parents are either undoing, redoing or living their unlived lives through their children. So let's have a look at them.

Dana Baltutis 6:13

Undoing, so undoing parenting this is where the parent tries not to be like their parents and thinks I'm not going to raise my child the way my parents raised me. In this type of autopilot parenting, the parent is undoing what happened to them in the past to create a different future or a different kind of world for their child. Although this seems okay on the surface, it actually isn't. Here, the parent is always moving away from something Rather than being in the moment, accepting what is, accepting their child for who they are and going with the flow. The parent is running away from something, not doing something. This is not considered to be a parenting modality from a place of acceptance, abundance and gratitude, but rather from a place of scarcity and fear, but rather from a place of scarcity and fear.

Dana Baltutis 7:29

Then there is the redoing parenting style, where the parent may have had a great upbringing and a great childhood and is parenting in a way that they were brought up. They want to give their kids the same or a similar experience that they had. Again, although this looks good on the surface, the parent is not being in the moment and working with what is and working with who their child is. Again, there is a picture of the past, of the parent's past, imprinting on something that is happening in the present. The parent is not parenting from the present or going with the flow. They're parenting from the past.

Dana Baltutis 8:13

Then there is the unlived life parenting where parents drive their child to do things that the child may not want to do. That the parents drive their child to fulfill their own dreams and wishes that they may not have had the opportunity to fulfill or do when they were children. Well, what's wrong with that, you might ask? They're giving everything to their child. Yes, but what about the child's dreams and ambitions? Whose life is the child living? Are they living their own or their parents' life? Does the child feel seen, heard, respected, celebrated for who they are, expected, celebrated for who they are? Or are they always living under a shadow, living in expectation? Each of our lives are unique and each of us has a special purpose to fulfill in this lifetime.

Dana Baltutis 9:15

Parents are the guides for their children. As poet Khalil Gibran writes, your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself. They come through you, but not from you, and though they are with you, they do not belong to you. You may give them your love, but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies, but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you, for life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children, as living arrows, are sent forth. So here, the parents, are the bows which need to be stable so that the arrows, the children, can fly forth into their journey. This is where something called conscious parenting comes in.

Dana Baltutis 10:42

I call it expanded parenting. I call it expanded parenting. Expanded parenting is not a set of checklists or a set of rules or to-do lists. It's a way of being with yourself and your child. It's a way of understanding yourself and your child. It's a way of slowing down, being in the moment, being reflective and courageous. You reflect and have courage to look at your own perceptions and thought processes, which will enhance your parenting style. Expanded parents raise expanded children, where we are all connected to and with our bodies, minds, hearts and souls. There are four foundations to expanded parenting. Number one the parent looks after themselves. First, children depend on their parents to take care of them. But who is taking care of the parents? Sacrificing yourself, giving up your identity, giving up your passions. This is not expanded parenting. This is not expanded parenting.

Dana Baltutis 12:10

This type of parenting comes from constricted emotions such as shame, guilt, fear, apathy and desire. When parents parent from a constricted point of view, parents end up sick, lethargic, indifferent, exhausted and overwhelmed. When the parent is sick and unhealthy, when the parent is exhausted, their children cannot thrive and develop. This is when we might see children becoming unwell or children developing mental health conditions such as anxiety, depression and all sorts of behaviours, and this can impinge on their development. Behaviours such as not wanting to go to school, not wanting to communicate, being clingy with their parent. There are all sorts of behaviours, and that's a whole other podcast.

Parenting and Self-Growth Foundations

Dana Baltutis 13:09

Parents and children's wellbeing are intermittently interrelated. This is why it's so important for parents to address their own needs, wants, desires and health for themselves. If they want their child to be well and thrive, the parent must be well and thrive. This is a researched fact. Needs, wants, desires and health Parents need to address these for themselves. Sometimes parents don't know how to look after themselves or where to start. This may feel overwhelming in their already busy schedule. This is why it's so important for parents to work with someone like a coach or a therapist who can help them. Who can help them?

Dana Baltutis 14:09

Shorjay and Pulitsi, in their Conscious Parenting book, describe children as parents' growth buttons. I love that Parents' growth buttons. Children are in your life for you to grow as a parent. They are asking for you to grow and they will show you how to be open to opportunities for you to heal Heal any childhood trauma, unresolved negative emotions, limiting decisions or beliefs. They are your teachers. They are your instruction manuals.

Dana Baltutis 14:44

I've worked with so many parents who have described themselves as quiet and introverted until their child comes into their life. Then they need to learn to speak up and advocate for their child. The child has given the parent the gift of advocating. Yes, it's for the child initially, and eventually the parent learns to speak up and advocate for themselves. And the only way parents can be the best they can be and children can be the best they can be is if the parents are looking after themselves. Parenting is a complex journey. When parents parent, they are not only parenting their children, but actually working on themselves. The more a parent can work on themselves, have the courage to grow and develop and expand their emotions and clear up any more negative emotions, then they are able to grow and then their children are able to grow.

Dana Baltutis 16:03

So here is a suggestion Parents, take care of yourself, starting right now. What do you need to do for yourself after you're finishing listening to this podcast or later today? Do you need to ask for a quiet moment? Have a quiet moment? Do you need to eat something healthy? Do you need to just go outside? Do you need to move, sleep, meditate, read a book, or book in a session with a parent, coach or therapist? There are so many ways to heal and nurture yourself. Give yourself permission to do this every day. Start with 15 minutes and move up to 30 minutes every day. If you co-parent, talk to the other caregiver and let them know what you are doing and why you are doing it, and ask them if they can help you carve this time out for yourself. By you being okay, your child will be okay. Your child is depending on your self-growth.

Dana Baltutis 17:17

So the first foundation to expanded parenting was the parent working on themselves. The second foundation is the parent healing their childhood. Nobody gets to choose what happened to them in their childhood, but we do get to choose what we do with it, ignoring whatever trauma or pain we had in our childhood does not go away. It just accumulates, it festers, it grows. Whatever pain or trauma we are storing also filters into our parenting style without us even realizing it. If the parents' needs, wants, desires weren't heard, listened to or respected as a child, when they were growing up, this will unconsciously keep going and seep into their parenting style. Remember we talked about the three instinctive parenting styles Undoing, redoing and unlived childhood parenting styles. This will unconsciously be imprinted on your child. They then will feel they aren't heard, listened to or respected. Your unhealed childhood trauma and pain will be passed on to the next generation.

Dana Baltutis 18:48

This is why it's often called intergenerational trauma. So do yourself, your child and your future grandchildren justice. Give them a gift of you breaking through the intergenerational trauma and pain by having the courage on working on your underlying, often unconscious, unwarranted, negative emotions, limiting decisions and limiting beliefs. This is where a good therapist or skilled parent coach is vital. It is difficult to release these unconscious frameworks and emotions without having some external help. With trauma, it's not what happens to us, but how we handle it, how we handle that experience. If we can't process and integrate a difficult experience, then it can become traumatic and impact how we show up as parents. Intergenerational trauma, passed through lineages, stays there until someone breaks the cycle. No-transcript. When you free yourself from the trauma and pain caused by your childhood, or the trauma that is connected to your own parents, you free your children too. You have the power to heal yourself and your children and your grandchildren and your great-grandchildren and onward for future generations. So take action now, seek help, work with someone you trust. You may feel like you don't have any pain or trauma to work through, but if there is a disconnect with you and your child, then there'll be something there. You just haven't realized it yet. This takes courage to look deep within and know that you can do it for yourself, your child and future generations.

Dana Baltutis 21:52

The third foundation for expanded parenting is to be your child's guide. All parents want to protect their children from failure, suffering pain, making mistakes. They want to protect them from feeling uncomfortable, sad or angry. They want to protect them from feeling embarrassed and ashamed. Parents want to look after their children. That's only natural. They want to fix everything for their children so their children can have a great life. But what happens when we protect our children from life, when we fix everything, when we try to protect them from everything. We leave them with no emotional resilience, no skills to look after themselves, to navigate their social emotional world.

Dana Baltutis 22:50

All children will have failures. All children will feel embarrassed. All children will get sad. All children will feel embarrassed. All children will get sad. All children will make mistakes. All children will have anger. But it's what they do with their failures. It's what they do with their anger. It's what they do with their mistakes. It's also how parents react to failures. It's how parents react to anger. It's how parents react to sadness. It's how parents react to discomfort.

Dana Baltutis 23:23

My question is how do you yourself, as a parent, handle these emotions or states? Do you feel that they're negative? For example, is a failure a failure, or do you see a failure as a learning opportunity, as a mistake? Do you beat yourself up about your failures or mistakes or do you learn something from them and then move on? Failures or mistakes, or do you learn something from them and then move on? The way we, as parents, navigate our social emotional world will impact the way our children learn to navigate their social emotional world.

Dana Baltutis 24:09

Our children do not need us to be their solutions. They need us to be their guides. Our role is to show our children how to maneuver through life's ups and downs, especially how to deal with mistakes. Mistakes are opportunities for children to learn. They teach resilience, they teach kindness, they teach commitment, empathy and what to do differently next time. And children need to show. We need to show children the way. So how are we going to do that? Well, first of all, you can start by naming your own mistakes. Oh, I, I made a mistake. That's okay, I tried. I will try and do it better next time. For example, next time I'll remember to put the cap on the milk bottle before putting it in the fridge, so the milk doesn't spoil or go off. This way, your child understands what happened. This way, your child understands what happened, why it happened and that it's okay, because everyone makes mistakes. The world is not going to fall down around them, and your child will even remind you to put the cap on next time. This way, the family is learning together and there is no right or wrong. There is only learning and moving forward. This is also teaching children how to be gentle and kind, not only with themselves, but also with others.

Building Strong Parent-Child Connections

Dana Baltutis 25:49

Now, the last of the foundations I'm going to talk today about is to seek connection with yourself and your child. It's so important to look for times, places and spaces for you to connect with yourself and connect with your child. Mobile phones, computers, the internet, the television they're constantly competing for our attention. I've seen many parents and children together physically but not together emotionally because both are on phones or technology. To build a child's social, emotional capacities, their communication skills, it is important to give them your undivided attention. This means being present to what they are saying or doing, and it's never too early or too late to start.

Dana Baltutis 26:48

Commit to spending more quality time with your child and connecting with your child. Time with your child and connecting with your child, strengthening your bond and building a strong quality relationship. The best gift you can give someone is your time and attention. Tell them you love them and mean it when you say it. Look at them, take time when you say it, take time when you say it. If we don't make time for connection, we will raise lonely, isolated kids and we will be lonely and isolated too and there'll be a disconnect.

Dana Baltutis 27:27

So often I see people living together in the same house, sharing a space, and everyone feels lonely. Everyone feels disconnected. Children are hungry for our connection. Children are hungry for our attention. Children are hungry for us to listen to them, especially in today's busy world where everything's done on the fly, where everything's done on the fly and parents. Make sure your tank is full, too, by looking after yourself and healing the child within.

Dana Baltutis 28:10

So what can you do for connection? Well, look for opportunities to connect with your child, follow their lead, follow their interest, really really listen to them. With teens it might be a little bit harder, but give them space and wait for them to come to you. Don't be too much in their space, but be interested in what they are interested in when they open up to you, and don't try to be too cool, too friendly, too hip. Children need parents, not friends. Children can read when you're not certain. They can read when you're trying too hard. Children can read when you're not being your authentic self. Just be you, be grounded, be connected to yourself and be truly interested in what your child is saying or doing.

Dana Baltutis 29:04

So what are you going to do now? I suggest you start now. Start now your expanded parenting journey. Start by looking after yourself, healing your childhood wounds and trauma, being the guide for your child or the bow for your child, and being connected. You first need to know how to give all of these things to yourself before you can give it to anyone else. And remember, most importantly, be gentle, kind and nurturing with yourself. Start small, for from small things big things grow. So what's next? You tell me. If you need any help, you can contact me. My contact is in the session notes below. Bye for now.