ALL4ONE: A FATHER'S STORY: Episode 2: The Survival Years Of Neurodivergent Parenting

Some parenting seasons are loud, messy, and relentless and you don’t even realise you’re surviving until you finally stop to breathe. We pick up Graham's story as a full-time carer for his non-verbal, neurodivergent son Bradley, stepping into the years filled with routines, appointments, behaviour storms, paperwork, and the constant job of advocating through education and health systems.

Graham explains why their days had to run like a military operation, and how predictability became the foundation for safety. We also go to the place many families dread: public spaces. Supermarkets bring sensory overload, triggers you can’t always predict, and the sting of being judged. We talk honestly about staring, unhelpful comments, and what real community inclusion looks like when a child is struggling.

We then shift to what happens inside the home when all energy goes into care. Graham shares how being a strong “team” can still strain a marriage, why communication matters, and how therapy and mental health support can help parents who feel depleted or alone. You’ll also hear the most practical advice in the whole conversation: find five minutes for yourself, keep it simple, and reframe a “bad day” as a challenging event inside a bigger day. We also mention helplines like Parentline and Beyond Blue for anyone who needs a voice on the other end of the phone.

If this connects with you, subscribe, share it with another parent or carer, and leave a review so more Australian families can find support when they need it most.

If you need support or help please reach out to parenting help lines. You can find information here

https://raisingchildren.net.au/grown-ups/services-support/about-services-support/helplines#sa-parent-helplines-nav-title

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/urgent-help

danabaltutis.com,  mytherapyhouse.com.au, https://mytherapyhouse.com.au/your-childs-therapy-journey/ https://www.danabaltutis.com/services

Transcript

Welcome And Where The Story Picks Up

SPEAKER_02 1:18

Welcome back to the Empowered Parent Podcast. Today we continue the story of a dad, an amazing dad, who's not just a father, but he has been and still is a full-time carer, navigating the daily realities of raising and supporting and managing other people to support his neurodivergent son. Last week we spoke about the early years, diagnosis, uncertainty, and the beginning of the journey for him and his wife Anne Bradley. And today we're going to move into the years many parents quietly survive. Oops, there we go, survive. Maybe that was my thing on that word, because I think sometimes I survive. So today we're going to move into the years many parents quietly survive rather than talk about. So these are the exhausting years, the advocacy years, the relentless years that it's groundhog day, day in and day out, the years of routines, appointments, behaviours, meltdowns, paperwork, protection, and holding everything together. And also advocating for your child through the systems. So through education, through health, always having to tell your story over and over and over again. So, Graeme, let's start with the first question. What did a typical day look like during those years?

SPEAKER_03 2:56

Thanks, Darna. Yeah, a typical day was basically a military operation. It was a strict military operation, and a day where one minor change could completely derail the whole day for Bradley. The day started the exact second that Brad wake up and there was no option to hit a snooze button or take a day off. It was here we are and we have to keep moving forward. And I feel like I spent many years just trying to translate Brad's needs because he was non-verbal and understand and represent him and help him to get those what he needed. Yeah, it w it was given 100% every single day. And there were some days that it felt like the results just weren't happening. So tough time. But when I look back on it, you know, we're both just trying to find a way in an unpredictable world. We built a strong bond by becoming each other's safe place. It made me feel safe. I made him feel safe because there wasn't those other options for me. So yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:58

I love that that you know you talked about, you know, military operation. And last week we talked about you having

A Day Run Like A Mission

SPEAKER_02 4:06

been in the military. So this was military, I guess, assignment in a different way.

SPEAKER_03 4:13

Yeah, totally. And and having that military sort of style or carryover made me feel safe because after a while, Brad's procedures become predictable. And I think that made me feel safe because I knew kind of what was coming, but getting to that point was really challenging and finding those patterns and that sort of stuff for me. So I think that made us feel safe as well. Each other feel safe. So yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:40

And I think for the listeners, as I know Brad as well, he really likes routine, doesn't he? He thrives in routine, he needs variety, but it needs to be slow and predictable and building on what he's already got.

SPEAKER_03 4:57

Yeah. Unpredictability or sudden change can cause major anxiety for Brad. You know, especially in those early years, it was a big trigger sort of like thing. But, you know, over the time you build resilience, you know, because things do happen and there's no way. But we've been able to over the time build resilience to that, where we can can throw in the change and he's able to manage that. But in the early years, it was military operation. It was okay, seven o'clock, we're up for breakfast. I think he had weeks of those stage, you know, and then 12:30, it was lunch, and then six o'clock was the nana was stripped every night, and it had to be those times. And even to today, it's you know, breakfast at eight, snack at 10:30, lunch at 12:30, snack at three, and then dinner at six, you know. So it's still carried over for him, and that's helped him, which was really good, but really hard in the um in the early days, yeah. You know, even just to take a break. I can remember even just going to the toilet and just sitting in the toilet for five minutes just to have my own space. Yeah. That minute of my own time, it was it's very, very draining. So yeah, very, very challenging.

SPEAKER_02 6:08

So what were the biggest challenges of you know being Brad's carer for you?

SPEAKER_03 6:16

Uh yeah, a lot of challenges. I I guess I faced a deep sense of loneliness and days where I thought I just can't do this. It w it was so challenging and not understanding and crying things and seeing we weren't getting results, you know. But yeah, it was very, very, very, yeah, I felt very lonely, very lonely. And not in the sense that I didn't feel lonely in my marriage or anything like that. I had all that I felt lonely in Brad's world because I just did not understand that.

SPEAKER_02 6:52

Yeah. And he was your only son, right? And it was like you were looking for that connection and you were trying to find that connection, and it took a while to understand him and for him to understand you.

SPEAKER_03 7:08

And this is the thing, I was looking for the connection, but I'll with Brad, like I could connect with him, but because Brad doesn't have that understanding or that learnings yet, he didn't kind of connect with me. It I feel like the connection was made by me giving

Loneliness Inside Your Child’s World

SPEAKER_03 7:23

predictability and schedules and making him feel safe that way, and then I got that connection. Yeah. But you know, it was really, really challenging. But you see, Brad's beautiful smiling face always grounded me and it brought me back, you know. And then I look back, I'll take it out to the public. That was really, really challenging just to even just to go to the supermarket and get milk. Because I felt when we're in the supermarket and something happened or whatever, that we were judged negatively. And all I was really looking for in that time was compassion, empathy, and understanding, you know, not that judgment. So that that was really, really hard as well, you know. And what people don't do to get to the sorry, what people don't understand to get to that supermarket. I've already done a day's work and prepping him and getting him into the car, and then we get to the supermarket, it's not just jump in the car and go. There's a whole whole procedure before we even get to that car, and it was very, very draining, you know. But yeah, I guess people don't understand, and and I get that, but in public I'd just like to see some more compassion and empathy for Bran Lead's community. I think, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:39

So, what do you think that would look like if you um could say something to someone about you know, when you see someone who is behaving differently in the community, could you please what?

SPEAKER_03 8:56

Don't stare. Don't

Judgement In Public And What Hurts

SPEAKER_03 8:58

use the words, don't highlight it by staring and things like that. Be understanding, you know, okay, this person's just having a tough time, and we all have tough times. You know, you don't need to highlight it, and then the parent, well, as a parent, I'm feeling like I've got to calm this down, and then Brad feels my anxiety, I feel his anxiety, and it just goes south.

SPEAKER_02 9:19

It escalates, right? And when you say don't use the words, you mean like, oh, what's he doing? Oh, that he's a really he's out of control. Is that what you're talking about? If people start naming what's happening?

SPEAKER_03 9:31

Totally. And oh, if he was my child, I'd discipline him and things like this. I heard things like that, you know.

SPEAKER_02 9:37

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 9:38

You know, and I'm like, well, yeah, that's not kind of where we're at with this. So yeah. Yeah, it's very, very challenging. I just people would have more compassionate empathy and understand that you know, we we've probably done everything we possibly can, and then something in that supermarket might have just triggered, triggered, you know, Bradley. But I didn't even know. I was still learning about environment and things like that. So yeah, it's already a hard enough situation without the judgment from other people. And I just think, yeah, if if people are listening and they see that sort of thing, you know, compassion and empathy because a parent's probably struggling as well. And it's it's a lot, it's a lot to try to do.

SPEAKER_02 10:20

And sometimes a child may look older, but they are very, very young in their emotional world. So they might be, you know, at a less than 12 months, or they might feel something in their stomach. And because, you know, often neurodivergent people are highly sensitive in their digestion and their introsphen when they've got to go to the toilet. So they feel everything, and you don't know when that's gonna come on. And it like you say, it could be absolutely anything, it could be something that triggered from outside, it could be something that triggered from inside, you know, and it's just you've got to ride the wave.

SPEAKER_03 11:03

And totally, here's the other thing. So Bradley's triggered for whatever reason, Bradley's trying to work it out, and then you I feel like I'm expected to sort him out and get that right, you know, when hang on, no one knows what's really going on, you know. We can't so it's not really anyone's fault, it's that part of that learning process, you know.

SPEAKER_02 11:24

Yeah, sorry, Graham. And I think the other thing is some people would say, Well, don't bring him to the shops then. What would you say to that?

SPEAKER_03 11:34

Well, I'm not a big fan of that because if I said to someone, well, you don't go to the shops, how are they going to react? It's no different to how Brad will react. He wants to go to the shops. It's part of that growth, it's part of introducing him into the community and doing it in the right way, you know. It's you that really, yeah. I just you would not like that said to you. And that's the way I think it's how would I feel if I if that was said to me? I mean, it's not even possible. You have to go to the shop, it's part of life, it's yeah, part of learning, developing, you know, and moving on to the future. So to those people, I'd say you just don't understand. You just don't understand with that statement. Everyone has to be. Yeah, exactly, exactly right. You know, it was really challenging, but now from having those experiences and growing

Why Avoiding Shops Is Not Living

SPEAKER_03 12:39

from that, he absolutely loves going to the shop and he loves going to those places, and it's about the people, and because we've had some desensitization to it, he's a lot better with the the sound and the noises and the smells and things like that as well. So you you can't put someone in a place and say, Don't go to the supermarket, because that's just not real, because that's not going to go well for that person. You know, you have to have exposure, and unfortunately, that comes with challenges.

SPEAKER_01 13:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 13:09

But you just have to keep driving forward. It's yeah. And I think imagine I go into a supermarket, it's just so unrealistic.

SPEAKER_02 13:17

Especially for Brad. That's Brad's that's Brad's thing. He buys his own food, he cooks, you know.

SPEAKER_03 13:24

Well, if you don't go to a supermarket, where does food come from?

SPEAKER_02 13:26

I know. Rather than the night. No, and and I think the other thing is that I find really important is that if parents are going through that, it's just naming to other people, look, you know, he's he's just really struggling with the sensations. This is our second time here, or we've had a really hard morning, and you know, thanks for understanding, because it's about educating the community, really, and being the voice of Brad in that community. And I know when you and I, Graham, did some, you know, shopping with him back in the earlier days, the actual shop attendants grew to love Brad because they started to look at him through a different lens and they understood him. And then they thought, wow, he's amazing because he's even doing this, right?

SPEAKER_03 14:25

Totally, totally. Yeah, it was amazing. It was amazing. Yeah, people had the understanding they weren't, you know, Brad's was six foot at that stage, you know, and he was a big unit. So he is imposing, but he's that gentle giant.

SPEAKER_00 14:39

But he's gentle giant.

SPEAKER_03 14:42

I just want to double back there, Donna. You know, so like what do you say to people that are passing the judgment on in this situation? I I didn't feel like it was my place to explain to them what Bradley was going through. It was just simple. Brad's having a bad day, just like we all do. And that was it. And that's where I wanted to leave it. I didn't, I don't feel we need to explain or, you know, he's having a bad day, and we all have bad days. I didn't want to highlight that, you know, he's triggered from the sound and all that. I think that's for another place. I think if I if I'd entered into that conversation, I feel like I'm justifying their or validating their, you know, oh yeah, fair enough.

SPEAKER_02 15:24

Good comment.

SPEAKER_03 15:25

Yeah, I just we don't have to explain to people. People need to understand as well, you know. Okay, he's having a bad day, and it's that simple, you know, it's just that simple, and we all have it.

SPEAKER_02 15:38

So, how did caring for Brad when he was a child affect your relationship with Tracy? I know you talked about being a team, but you know, she was the she went to work and and you stayed home, and then she'd come home from work. And like how were there any, I guess, were there any conflicts, were there any triggers? How did it affect, or did it gr make you grow closer together?

SPEAKER_03 16:11

Good question. Yeah. Press and I were an incredible team, definitely. But pouring out all of our efforts into team instead of our marriage,

When The Teamwork Costs The Marriage

SPEAKER_03 16:59

strain the relationship. You know, we were just all care for Brad and all care for Brad, and that was our commitment. But we kind of yeah, forgot about our ourselves, you know. We become excellent co-managers of the crisis, but we lost touch as husband and wife. So yeah, and and in hindsight, yeah, I wish I'd learnt about balance. So balance as in I met my needs, I met the relationship's needs, and I also met Bradley's needs in an even manner where it wasn't, I sort of, yeah, my main focus was on Bradley, and I started to neglect those other relationships, so so to speak. So yeah, we were a team, excellent team, but putting all the effort into the team, I wish we'd put more effort into the marriage.

SPEAKER_02 17:56

So if you could go back and say, you know, parents are listening and they're like, yeah, this is exactly how we are surviving right now. What do you think they could do to get help for themselves right now?

SPEAKER_03 18:15

My recommendation for that in a marriage is I wish we had communicated more instead of assuming what each other's, you know, and assuming how Tracy felt and how things like that. I feel like the best thing for our relationship at the moment is communication. Communicating, telling, telling the person your needs and how you're feeling and how and having the person require that back. And I think that would have still kept that stronger connection. So yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:48

Do you think, Graeme, that mental health support for the individual parent as well as the couple, like couple counselling, would be worthwhile at that stage? Or is there no energy for it?

SPEAKER_03 19:06

I'm gonna talk about this a little bit further down the track.

SPEAKER_00 19:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 19:09

But yes, I believe I'm a believer in therapy, definitely. I at the moment I do individual therapy and we do couples therapy. So and I've also done a couple of courses on my Low DPT, which is yeah, so courses that really help me, but I learned that later on down the track. So I'll leave that sort of stuff.

SPEAKER_02 19:32

Yeah, so I guess because I've met a lot of parents and I always say to them, I talk about the oxygen mask, put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you put it on your child. Please go and get mental health support for yourself. And often parents say, Oh, I don't have time, or I don't, we don't have funding for this or money, or I don't have time to go to the GP. Do you think you would have now knowing what you know now, you would have prioritized those things back in the day?

SPEAKER_03 20:07

Totally. Because that would have been totally what I that would have been what I needed. But you know, like the stigma around this, there is some stigma around mental health and everything like that. But my experience was with mental health and everything like that was not because I was challenged or challenged or anything like that. It's yeah, it was sorry, I lost my train of thought there, don't I?

SPEAKER_02 20:32

Yeah, so you so you would recommend to parents to seek mental health support, and you were saying that there's a stigma around mental health, and you would have been it was challenging for

Therapy And Mental Health Stigma

SPEAKER_02 20:45

you to seek that out when Brad was younger.

SPEAKER_03 20:49

Yeah, I mental health is the stigma, yeah. Oh, you know, it's weak or whatever, you know, especially as a male, but I see it as a positive because I gave my all to life.

SPEAKER_02 21:02

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 21:03

The biggest, the biggest thing for me, I gave my all to life and family, but I gave nothing to Graham. And that's what I chose to do. And I learned a hard lesson from that. And yeah, I'll share that later on down the track.

SPEAKER_02 21:15

Yeah, I love that. I love that.

SPEAKER_03 21:18

Therapy 100%. You know, it's really nice to speak to someone outside of the circle. Yes, you know, and just an independent person with no judgment. So yeah, I'm all in for a therapy.

SPEAKER_02 21:30

Yeah. So what helped you if you weren't doing, you know, you weren't getting any mental health support back then? What helped you keep going during those difficult times?

SPEAKER_03 21:45

Well, around that time, I guess I felt defeated. I really felt defeated. Yeah, it's and that was really hard, you know. And I had that where I felt like I could fix this, and then there was that I can't fix this. This is what it is. So what really kept me going was looking at my beautiful son every day, knowing that if I fold or you know, I'm having that challenging day, that's not gonna be beneficial for both. And the will to drive myself and get myself out of that feeling defeated emotion, feeling, you know, I I it was very, very damaging for me. You know, it's when you feel like you've tried everything and things aren't just happening yet, you know, and you wear that burden besides living with the needs during the day as well. So I that drive to get out of that dark spot with that feeling defeated and you know, just the drive, okay, you know, it's gonna get better. And and doing that one day at a time, don't look, you know, over just every day, just that little bit, just start small, build big, you know. And that was the thing when I tried to look at it overall was just too much.

SPEAKER_01 23:09

Overwhelming.

unknown 23:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 23:10

Oh, totally. Then I break it down and it's just one day at a time, you know, okay, that's going good, you know, and things like that.

SPEAKER_01 23:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 23:20

Sorry, Donna, there's only one person that can help you in that situation that I've learned, and that's me. You know, I what do I want? What do I need? And how am I gonna get it, you know, because

Defeated Feelings And One Day Focus

SPEAKER_03 23:31

I need to come out of this data space.

SPEAKER_02 23:34

And you know, you said a really interesting word, which is fix. And I think knowing what I know about you know, relationships, you know, women, we've got the feminine energy, we're nurturers, and males have got the masculine energy. they're the protectors, they're fixers, but it's really about having the balance between female and feminine and masculine energy together. So it's about being able to nurture as well as protect or fix. And it's not a fixable thing, really, is it? It's a process and it's like going with the journey.

SPEAKER_03 24:16

Something you can manage. You can't fix that. You know, and and that was the good thing about our team was I didn't have those emotions or you know, I didn't have that emotional maturity. Tracy had the emotional maturity and I had the other part. So when we come together, it was perfect for Brad, yeah, but I didn't have the emotional maturity. I'm like, I'm going to fix this, that's it. But when you get real realistic, you know, it's okay, now can we manage it and how can we help Brad to manage his part and that sort of stuff.

SPEAKER_02 24:47

And I think, you know, there needs to be quite a bit of problem solving capacity in that journey because problems always come up and you've got to be creative when you're solving the problem. Hence you guys have been really successful with where Brad is right now, living in his own home with support workers and he's got, you know, he's he's got some sort of work and that's going to just grow in the future but he's also very much goes out in the community. He's got his own life, his own interests. But that was because you guys did solve problems along the way and that was thanks to you you're always looking forward and going, okay, what's the next step? What's the next step? How do we get there? Right.

SPEAKER_03 25:32

Totally and and that journey started for me when I met a therapist. Her name was Dana and you told me that and I really really appreciate that you know Brad's got to have his own life and that was really hard to hear. I'm like well I'm giving him everything he needs what what's the problem? But you're right. He has to have his own identity see at that stage it was Brad's identity was Bradley mum and dad. Yeah that was his identity where I've learnt in life you have to have your individual identity no matter what and that's not nothing to do with needs that's just part of life. That's humanity. That's you know what I mean. Everyone needs their own identity.

SPEAKER_02 26:11

But that was the one biggest piece of advice that I really appreciated was those when you said to us and sometimes it's hard because you're so enmeshed in that you know that feeling of you've got a vulnerable child and they might be 17 16 18 but they're still vulnerable and you just want to protect them and there are other ways to protect them while while respecting their identity right and who they are as as people yeah and I I think the biggest thing there with with that statement is Bradley having his idol identity is like when Bradley was with us or in programs that we had done it made me feel safe.

SPEAKER_03 27:00

Yeah made me feel safe so I'm happy for Bradley to do those things and then we started to see behaviors in the thing and that was Bradley speaking that kind of don't want to be here I want to do something else.

SPEAKER_02 27:13

But I totally understand and we've done it but it made me feel safe I knew I could go and drop on my photo program for get his care and then I can pick him up but that wasn't what Bradley wanted no and I love that reflection Graham you know and you know we're venturing into behaviors

Identity And Hearing A Non-Verbal Voice

SPEAKER_02 27:33

and often the behaviors come because the kids don't feel heard is that what you've noticed with Brad in your care for him in when he was a child and you're just nodding I'm just telling everyone Graham is nodding really hard yes yes because as a loving parent you know I thought I knew what was best for Brad.

SPEAKER_03 27:55

Do you know what I mean? Because he wasn't understanding this world. Bradley knew what he wanted and then later on down the track when we start talking about the housing and things like that that's when he that's when I really learned and heard Bradley's voice in that time period before he moved out. Yeah yeah it's not everyone wants to hear have their voice heard. Don't matter who you are what you're doing it's not to be heard and when you're not heard or you're trying to tell someone in whatever way and you're not heard what what do you think is going to happen? I'm thinking myself well I'm going to get upset you know I'm gonna get you no one's listening. I've got something to say and no one's listening.

SPEAKER_01 28:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 28:34

So it it's how you get brother being nonverbal we've done it with PECs and pictures Bradley thinks in pictures so we don't pictures the visuals which then gave him the start of his voice because he could tell us by putting the picture which one he liked but PEX was a big formal communication yeah the picture the picture communication system communication system yeah yeah yeah so what did Bradley teach you Graham over the years you know is it patience connection resilience what did he teach you what did Bradley teach me Bradley taught me patience are you a patient person in general uh I wasn't I am now okay because I'm definitely not a patient person I am now but I I my my go-to is not patience. No especially military let's go here we go you know and like let's go let's get it done Bradley taught me patience and and and an example of that was like when we had an appointment you know and we were leaving at a certain time the biggest thing I didn't tell Bradley what time as in like with the visual what time we were leaving so say it was 8 30. I just go okay we'll go on 8 30 Bradley come on and he didn't know where we were going or whatever so he's already he takes that time to go like I need well in his way like regulate. So he'd go and regulate for 15 or 20 minutes and I'd be standing there like we're gonna be late we're gonna be late you know and then I'm in my own head about it as well come on you know and it's embarrassing being late you know what I mean but what I've learned over the time is I need to give Bradley that 15 minutes because if I give Bradley that 15 minutes to regulate the rest of the day's going to look a whole lot better. Sometimes we need to fit into our people's world we're expecting them to fit to this big wide world not even I even I struggle with that. So sometimes we need to fit into to Brad's world and we've really started to do that now. If he needs that 15 minutes okay we're going to give him that 15 minutes because that's what he needs and if we're five minutes late for the appointment that's okay we'll explain you know we need a little bit more time or whatever. So we're always trying at the start we're always trying to make Brad fit into our world and then we change that thought process process and

Patience Through Regulation And Better Planning

SPEAKER_03 31:10

how can we fit into Brad's world what do we need to do give him that 15 minutes you know or if he wants to watch whatever just to help him regulate any of those regulating things we were all in for so we had calm palms sense and things like that. So all sorts of um yeah equipment right to help to help him yeah gadgets to help him like a senseate sits on on your sternum sort of like there and it's it's it's for the vagus nerve to try to stimulate that very vagus nerve that we do on down the back of the neck into all the organs and things like that. That made him feel good and you know it we give him that extra time meant we were going to have a whole lot better day.

SPEAKER_02 31:52

And probably then us organizing our time in a way that maybe if the appointment's 11 we're gonna start going at 10 o'clock instead of quarter past 10 we're gonna say okay Brad usually we would say okay Brad it's time to go at quarter past 10 well maybe at 10 o'clock because I know Brad's mode of operation is he needs his 15 minutes.

unknown 32:15

Right.

SPEAKER_03 32:16

And when you make an appointment you also you're thinking about what the appointment's for but you're also considering everyone's needs your needs besides Brad's needs and exactly that Brad needs 15 minutes extra so we'll make an appointment for 1045 we know you know we're gonna get him there. We're gonna give him you know we can get him out of the house probably at 10 30 minutes to travel there. Or if he needs that 15 minutes allow that 15 minutes because he may need it today he may not need it today. Who knows? So it's just a safety net that 15 minute bracket for us. So yeah if we we want him in the car at 1030 we're we're pushing about 1015 things like that. So and and we allow for that time because that's fitting into Radswell that's what he needs. You can't you can't win every challenge and every battle and things like that. Sometimes it's okay that's the way it is that's just the way it is. So that's how he taught me patience and that was a really really cool lesson. Challenging oh boy was it challenging but again it it was his voice in telling me this is what I need and I really took the time to listen to that. So again that's the way he's telling me in his voice what else did Brad Brad taught me connection because it is to discover a capacity to love someone as deeply as I love my wife and I can love my son the same way was really really special really special. It's a special unique love and even to the day when I go over there on my shift I just love being around him it's that good vibe and you get that love you know and then when when he's walking by I love you and it's like just out of the blue it's just those real simple things.

SPEAKER_02 34:05

And once he says once he says that he knows he's got me and then I become his butler make that's right you're his staff you're his butler personal butler is like I've got him for the night I've got him for the afternoon or the day that's my dad and and I love it.

SPEAKER_03 34:21

I absolutely love it. I don't tell any of the other team but that's something it's bread and dad time you know it's not it's just our simple little bit of time you know those hours and we both really appreciate I I see it in Brad as well. So just a really really special time that connection you know it's something yeah and and again I still think there's a part of us I've learnt to make myself feel safe now but there is that little bit of a part where we do make each other feel safe. I think Bradley makes me feel safe with emotions and feelings and non-judgmental and all those sort of things. So yeah yeah and you know yeah I I just want to say like just find five minutes a day to take for yourself. You know I mean if it's in home what I'd done was I um grew a flower just one flower in a pot. So I was still in the house but just watching that grow and things like that, you know and just help you. Yeah it's don't look to do big things start small build things because once you get the first little thing that gives confidence and then you're willing to go and be vulnerable and try another thing whether it's 10 minutes and then expand on there but we all need our own time and that's one of the biggest challenges that I didn't meet. I just I done it all for everyone and yeah you know and you know the people that are out there that are feeling exhausted and overwhelmed you know I my heart goes out to you I've been there I've been there but as the story goes on you you get to see that change there there is that that hope that thing but my best piece of advice is five find five minutes in that day that you can do something for you you know even just simple just keep it simple because you're already in a complicated world and then if you try and do something for yourself you know and I felt really selfish like and that's why I didn't take that time but I've learned now that's not being selfish that's meeting what I need as well you know I'm meeting everyone else's needs I need to meet my own needs and it's that five minutes of watching that flower grow you know it was very heartbreaking when the flower died I must say you know because I forgot the water all but it was just that little bit of nature that was mine you know and it

Five Minutes Of Self-Care That Works

SPEAKER_03 36:55

most of the time it grew and it became that beautiful flower and that was the reward for me. That just it just made me feel better just something so simple and and always look for something to smile about in those hard days. Whether it's something you've seen on TV again just something really small you know spend that time with that smile and that always made me feel better. My biggest thing is when you have these challenges I used to see it as being a really challenging day like the whole day was challenging. What I've learned now is that was a challenging event in a really good day. I love that identify them as little as ch I mean not challenges are big. No doubt I'm not going to think but it's not a bad day it's just a challenging event in that day whereas I was locked into I've had a bad day that negative side and that kind of didn't work well for me either. So yeah you're just under that black cloud the whole time instead of knowing that clouds move and the sun does come out yeah I looked at I looked at it like still wool so imagine still wool with the open weave you know and it's in a ball you can you can see through that see through that when it was a challenging day the weave was really tight and it was black and I couldn't see through that.

SPEAKER_02 38:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 38:22

So that's the way I used to look at it for me.

SPEAKER_02 38:24

Yeah right I love that analogy and and I guess parents that are listening and they feel like oh I don't know how to get there to get even there I would definitely call some helplines there is the parent helpline and I'm going to leave the information in the notes the parent helpline there's beyond blue and I'll you know I'll leave those in in the notes because I think just to call someone and talk to them and say I can't do any more I'm really exhausted and I heard that someone said I've got to take time out for myself I don't know how to do that. I feel really guilty and then if I do it everything falls apart. So even saying that to someone on a helpline would then they would be able to talk you through it.

SPEAKER_03 39:16

And the first thing about a helpline I didn't feel alone no more. And that was the biggest thing when you're alone trying to work all this out it was nice to have that help and I highly recommend it you know and it's a sign of strength to be able to do that you know and it's challenging it's really really challenging but if you can get yourself there and you need that please do 100% and you're not alone you know it's you're not alone thank you Graham for another amazing episode and next week we're going to delve into looking at a big transition that I was already there as part of your life from school into the community and all the challenges and celebrations there.

SPEAKER_02 40:08

So thank you so much Graham for your honesty and your vulnerability today and so many parents and carers spend years looking after everyone else while putting their own needs last

Helplines Hope And Closing Notes

SPEAKER_02 40:22

and I know today's conversation will help many families stop and reflect and think about where they're at and think about how can they feel more seen and understood and who they can reach out to. And as I said next week we're going to continue the journey as Bradley moves from school to adulthood and the community life as a young adult and we'll talk about transitions we'll talk about the traveling we'll talk about daily living skills the NGIS community access and what worked and what didn't work along the way so thank you Graham for being here today. Thank you Dana and thank you everyone for listening to the Empower Parent Podcast. If you like this episode and you thought it would be really useful for someone please share it please like and subscribe and again if you are interested in becoming a guest on my podcast as a parent and you've got a story to tell please reach out and we can talk about it. That would be great. Okay bye for now.