ALL4ONE: A FATHER'S STORY: Episode 3: School Was The Anchor And Then It Ended

School can feel like it’s “for the kids”, but for many families it’s also the first place a parent stops feeling invisible. I sit down with Graham to keep following Bradley’s journey from childhood into adulthood, starting with the school years and the surprising way a school community can become a carer’s support system. We talk about the power of a simple hello at drop-off, how volunteering helped Graham feel he belonged, and why identity shifts for both child and parent when school becomes a stable routine. 

Then things change fast. When Bradley starts saying “no school”, the family faces the messy reality of transitioning out of education without a gentle runway. Graham shares what the loss of predictability did to everyone’s anxiety, why time and permanency are so hard to navigate, and how stress showed up through OCD patterns and tics. We also unpack a six month caravan “gap year” that began with careful planning and ended with tough decisions, including flying home to restore safety and regulation. It’s an honest reminder that travel with neurodivergent young people can be brilliant, but only when the structure matches their needs. 

From there, we get practical about rebuilding. We explore how the right support coordinator can simplify the NDIS, why bringing support workers into your home is such a big emotional step, and how independence is taught through logical sequencing, visuals, and daily living skills. Cooking becomes a gateway to shopping, schedules become a tool for calm, and we challenge the way NDIS forms can accidentally overstate ability when parents are silently scaffolding every task. 

If you’re supporting an autistic teen or young adult through big transitions, this conversation will leave you with real strategies and a lot of hope. Subscribe, share it with a parent who needs community, and leave a review so more families can find these stories. What part of the school-to-adulthood shift are you in right now?

danabaltutis.com,  mytherapyhouse.com.au, https://mytherapyhouse.com.au/your-childs-therapy-journey/ https://www.danabaltutis.com/services

Transcript

Welcome And Series Context

SPEAKER_03 1:18

Welcome back to a third episode of this series on the empowered parenthole. Today we're going to continue the story of DEMED learning how to support his son move from childhood into adulthood. So, but first of all, what we're going to talk about are the school years. And we're going to briefly touch on the school years. And Groen, welcome back to the Empowered Parent Podcast. Thank you, Dana, great to be here. Great. So let's start with the first question. How did you guys decide what school to send Bradley to?

SPEAKER_00 2:11

It was word of mouth. We'd um we there was a situation where Bradley was three months three years, eight months. At four years old, we were told that Bradley needed, well, we suggested to us that Bradley needed to go into play group. And my first initial thoughts are, well, why is that? He's got me, I'm here caring for him. And then it was explained to me that it's more about the social connection, the friendships, the belonging, and everything with his peers. So we got over that sort of hurdle. And then he went to Kindi. It was really challenging for Brad and Kindy as well. Like never used to eat lunch because she's uh really attached to one person and everything like that. But I'm really proud of him. You're doing well. And then from the Kindi, it was virtually word of mouth word of mouth, so like speaking to other parents and things like that. So yeah. And I I've got to say, those first years um of school and everything was really

Choosing A School And Starting Kindy

SPEAKER_00 3:17

important to me as well. So because it was first time, so like I felt supported in a roundabout way with a need situation. And that was simply just by talking to other parents, or you know, just yeah, just being able to communicate with people who got it. So they were really important years for me.

SPEAKER_03 3:36

Did you feel like um during those school years you found a community that you didn't have when you were caring for Brad on your own at home?

SPEAKER_00 3:48

Yeah, totally, totally without a doubt. It was a community that had just got it, you know what I mean? Understood, and you know, I could just talk, I can remember talking about animals the next point we're talking about our children. So a simple conversation started on to opening up about other things as well. And it was realizing we weren't the only ones' experiences as well. Other people out there are experiencing it.

SPEAKER_03 4:13

So really, sorry Graham, in those days, were you able to drop off and stay with Brad at school, or did you just have to drop off and run?

SPEAKER_00 4:26

I chose to start by dropping off and staying, and I think that was more for my safety. I just had to know that he was okay, you know, he was okay. It was a big separation for both of us, and yeah, a really big separation for both of us. So I don't know, I just needed that part of me to know he was okay, that he was gonna be okay. So, and then it started that I just started to drop off. We set up a routine, okay, we'll drop here, we'll meet there, sort of that sort of situation to try to create that independence. And then I'd done a little bit of volunteering in the school as well. So, but that was that was for me, to be honest. It was really nice to be in Brad's community and seeing other people in Brad's community's peers and things like that. It was really opening and really yeah, I really enjoyed it. So yeah.

SPEAKER_03 5:23

So did so you found that volunteering at the school really helped you with your belonging and feeling like you're part of the community and feeling seen and heard and understood as a carer for Brad.

SPEAKER_00 5:38

Yeah, totally, because I felt independent before for myself, and I guess I can't, that's on me as well. But to be, yeah, I did. I started to feel like there was a community and like just being able to talk to people that understand it and get it as well is really, really important. So, and there's no judgment in that sort of thing as well, which was really important for me at that time.

SPEAKER_03 6:02

How did you meet parents at the school? Was it in the schoolyard or was it outside of the schoolyard? Like, how do parents mingle and meet? Or is it formal meetings that the school suggests? What what's what happens there? Or what happened?

SPEAKER_00 6:25

Yeah, that was that was a really hard step for me because I knew who I was in home and I didn't know who I was like individually outside of home. So it's I don't know, sometimes just a simple hello. I used to always drop to the back, you know, I didn't want to be seen or anything like that. But then the people were so warm and things like that that I was drawn to the group as well, that you know, I wanted as well, that connection with the group as well, just by simple communication, you know. You know, I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 6:58

I guess why I'm asking these questions, because I know there are schools these days that it's just drop off and leave for parents, they're not allowed to go into the school. So sometimes it's just at the school gate that they meet. Was that the situation for you back then? Because that was quite a few years ago. Or and why I'm asking this is from your point of view, is it important that parents have an opportunity to meet other parents in a school system?

SPEAKER_00 7:32

Definitely important because the parents become part of my support team. I understand there's a reason why that happens in schools. That wasn't for me. I was over to Bradley Dewey's classroom, which is probably the old school way to do it, which is great because you know, if you're just dropping off, what say you're going to meet at the same time with the parent and be

Finding Community With Other Parents

SPEAKER_00 7:55

able to continue that relationship, whether it w where it was a two-minute handover, hi, hi, and it go from there. You know, the more we said hello to each other and things like that. It was very hard for me too because there wasn't a lot of males around at that time, but I didn't care about that because it was just about the connection, you know, and and the people that get it, you know. So take the gender out of it's we're all in the same sort of thing as well. So yeah.

SPEAKER_03 8:21

So what I'm hearing from you, Graeme, is that it's really important for schools to really think about themselves as a community, not only for the child, but also for the parents, because I know some do. And that it would be really useful to have formal supports in the school, right? Like a dad's group or a mum's group or a chat group or something like that that is part of the parent's tapestry, just as much as it is just part of the child's.

SPEAKER_00 8:55

Yeah, totally. But I think, you know, I understand schools are really busy and there's a whole lot of demands and everything like that. And I really appreciate it. But what I guess the message I'm trying to send here is that quick face-to-face hello, like that personal greeting is so important. You don't get that when it's a handover, you know, dropping off and things like that. Just connection because I was looking for connection. I just didn't know where. You know, I I've lost that form of connection. So just a quick hello, if it makes me feel supported, oh, how are you going? Yeah, good, thank you. Someone's asked about my day, whereas no one had asked about my day for a long time, as in not my wife asked about my day and things like that. But just out of that, again, I knew who I was in home. At home, I didn't know who I was. So that was really important. And that was the same bad connection, really big and thing, too. So, yeah, connection's everything, I think. Yeah, just some simple words, or just changes the whole day when you haven't had that for a while, you know, from other people other than your wife and things like that. It's just really nice, you know. But then that that brings up things too, because I've lost like connections with friendships because all my mates are being posted out of the army. So, and then there's the fact that I didn't just have the energy to maintain a friendship, or I was just so locked into things for there. So, yeah, it became quite an isolated sort of place for me. So to actually, I can remember Bellingham to school, I had all these emotions. I was scared, you know, normal sort of things. But yeah, then when I got there and there was other parents, or even just speaking to a teacher, you know what I mean, gave me the reassurance that you know there's something, there's someone out there. It can be just a simple hello, which was that adequate for me, it was enough for me. You know, a community without a doubt. And you know, the thought of running the group, and I it's a whole lot to set up and arrange, and I totally appreciate that. But maybe those end results are really worth that.

SPEAKER_03 10:56

You know, you know, and helps parents understand themselves and their child, right? And also they don't feel alone because a lot of parents do feel alone.

SPEAKER_00 11:09

Yeah, I I definitely felt that alone feeling, definitely. Yeah, so I was really, really yeah, cool. Scary. Uh I really liked school, as in the fact because I was pretty military. For me, it worked really well because I knew I had to be at the school bus at eight. I had to whatever. And it was a great thing for Bradley as in taking away the social side of it, but it gave him predictability. He knew he was going to school at this time, he knew he was going to do so for 10, 12 years or whatever that is, it was really, really predictable for Bradley, and it really worked for Bradley. And he got to learn, you know, how to appropriately greet people and those connections and you know the friendships, you know. It wasn't as if he was out there playing football with his friends all the time because you know that's a bit challenging for Brad. But it was okay, Brad's in the room and his friends in the room, and you know, they're sitting together, and they may not be acknowledging each other, but it's still a friendship in the room, you know what I mean? So that's that was his community.

SPEAKER_03 12:14

That was his community, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:17

If the the biggest change was he found his identity in school, it it wasn't just you know, a dad or mum and dad before or previously it was mum, dad, and bradley identity. But I feel like he he found his own identity in school. I think he really liked that too, which is totally understandable. So the problem was I'd lost my identity and now I'm looking, so I'm like, oh yeah. So I was really happy because if Bradley was doing okay and things were traveling, it kind of made me feel better as well. So, you know, that sort of thing.

SPEAKER_03 12:54

And maybe that's something for your organization or for one to consider, you know, if anyone's listening and they're thinking, oh, maybe Graham could come to our school and you know, do a little talk for the parents or you know, get a group together. Would you guys be interested in that? I guess.

SPEAKER_00 13:17

We would be interested in that. Yeah, I'd love to help out in any way. I I do have to remind myself of my physical disability with my back. So, but yeah, you know, I'm happy. Yeah, definitely. I think or or I guess starting the conversation. That's or just that simple as just starting that conversation. Because I thought I felt starting that cover conversation with this basic, and it wasn't even about needs with other people, it was just you know, how's your dog going?

Why Connection At School Matters

SPEAKER_00 13:45

Or whatever, you know, just real simple. And then that led on to other things. And as we you felt comfortable and more comfortable with that person, you were willing to open up more with that person as well. So yeah, but you know, look, yeah, there's a lot a lot of options for all for one, definitely, without a doubt, you know.

SPEAKER_03 14:03

So well, and especially with all your experiences and insight, Graham. And it could be that you're just part of instigating a group, and then they could lead themselves through it. But there's always it's a little bit hard to start a new initiative, isn't it? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:21

I I think about if I was gonna start a group like that, it'd be over the net first, you know.

SPEAKER_02 14:26

On the internet, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:27

Yeah, maybe something like that, a support group on the thing, and then build to that. I've got a I've got a lot of work still to do on myself as well that I would need to take into consideration. So yeah, but yeah, um we want to grow into the business. We we have our niche market and things like there, but I've got that. Bradley taught me the curious mind. Like you remember we were saying about the supermarket where what happened to the parent says no. That sort of I was that person, I I was at the stage, I didn't want to take Bradley to the supermarket because going and getting two litres of milk was such, such a uh, such a challenge that I didn't want to take him to the supermarket. But as help come in, it my thought process was okay, Brad, we're going in the car, get in the car, go to the supermarket, get the milk, and then come out. But as I was taught later on down the track, it was like first start small, you know, we go and sit in the car park in the car with the wiggles playing to make him feel comfortable. Or even before that, we search on the internet, okay, this is our supermarket, or whatever. And then even before that, let's go to a deli. Let's start by just going to a deli buying one thing and then build, build, build, build. But I was that parent that said, I I well, I just didn't want to take Bradley to a supermarket because it was so yeah, so traumatic for me. And that's as well. So, yeah, that's why so, like on that last question when you asked me about it on the last session, it's like, yeah, but I learnt, I learned, yeah. So, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 16:02

We all grow. We all grow and we learn.

SPEAKER_00 16:05

Well, and and the biggest lesson I've learned is take the judgment of wrong and right out of it. You know, I've done what I've thought is best for Bradley. And there's no wrong or right about that. You know, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. If it doesn't work, we put a tweak on that sort of procedure. But I used to wear that really, really hard because I'm felt like I was guiding Bradley and helping Bradley in these decisions. And then when it didn't go well, I wore that burden, you know, it's like, oh God, you know, and then I could see anxiety in Bradley. I'm like, oh God. But I learned to take that wrong and right out of judgment. It's, you know, hey, I've done my best. Sometimes we get it, sometimes we don't. And it's yeah.

SPEAKER_03 16:48

Yeah, and that's what we call good enough parenting, right? And it could be 20%, it could be 10%, it could be 5%, because we never know what's going to happen. And you've done your best, and that's it. And next time it might be different.

SPEAKER_00 17:01

Totally, totally, yeah, totally.

SPEAKER_03 17:05

So let's talk about change and what was the transition out of school like for Brad and your family? Because obviously he'd been in school for many, many, many, many, many, many, many years and he had a routine. What was the transition like? And how did you guys decide, okay, school is now over?

SPEAKER_00 17:29

Okay, this is a really tough one because as a parent, I watched Brad go to school for 10 years and he's been happy and joy. And then Bradley stayed at school until about 19, I think it was 20, but then some of his friends started to leave and things like this. And then that predictable environment became a little bit unpredictable, as in, where's my friends? What's you know? And there was even talk of him going to another class. So normal routine, get up in the morning, and then Bradley starts saying to me, no school. I'm like, oh, oh. So, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, what are we doing here? So thinking of my day, I'm thinking, oh, is he just wanting a day off of school? Or, you know, just taking that, you know, I need a day off sort

When School Ends Suddenly

SPEAKER_00 18:20

of thing. And so I just gently, again, you know, break to mom, we're gonna go to school, the school bus. But by this time he'd already known what the school bus time was and everything like that. He knew that schedule down pat. And it was just simply no school. So I'm like, oh, okay, no school. Okay, that's cool. And then next day come, same thing, no school, no school. And then next day come, no school, no school. Okay, so I'm thinking. I'm I'm thinking he needs to go to school. Right if that I'm thinking he needs to go to school. But what I wasn't listening to was Brad was telling me, no school, no school now represented. I've outgrown that it's probably come unpredictable, and all those sort of things for Bradley. Yeah. So no school was the start of ours, and that went for a couple weeks, and then we just decided that you know, we just can't keep doing that every day, sort of thing, and then put it on so it was time to call it, and there was no school. He didn't go to school after that. Which which was really strange too, because I felt like there was days where he wanted to go, like after that call. But it's like you've kind of made that call as well, Brad, you know, so we can't keep leaving the school open-ended, where you're just rolling one day and roll out the next, and you know, there has to be, you know, so it's accountability for Brad too. You've called it, we'll have listened. What's our next step sort of thing?

SPEAKER_03 19:56

And you know, when you're talking about that, isn't it interesting where how nice would it be if there was that transition time where kids could go, well, yeah, I'm and I remember when I was in year 12, like we could wear casual clothes and then we had a very flexible schedule. We worked from home sometimes, and classes weren't, it wasn't like nine till 3:30. Basically, it was like afternoon or morning or one hour here, two hours here, and the rest you could do in the library or at home, because that was where I went to a school. And then, you know, because I remember that time for Brad, and it was like some days he'd want to go, but already the plug's been pulled with the education department and well, or with the school system. And you're like, well, we've summoned the forms now. What are we gonna do?

SPEAKER_00 20:53

And and you can't leave the school open-ended, you know, you know, there has to be that commitment, Brad. You've told us no school.

SPEAKER_03 20:59

So and also for Brett, that would have been really hard to say, hang on, maybe I just needed a break, and then okay, I might be able to do a few more weeks, but then I just want to phase out, you know. But he he wouldn't know. Time was very hard for him to understand and the consequences of his decisions, the permanency.

SPEAKER_00 21:22

Yeah, hard for him to understand and hard for him to verbalize. That would, you know, to tell us that. I mean, uh, yeah, so yeah, but you know, it was a it is what it is, and that's how it went. And you know, that's that's okay. That's you know.

SPEAKER_03 21:40

So, what did you guys decide to do? Right. So Brad's now at home, school's done. What are you guys doing?

SPEAKER_00 21:48

Oh, what are we doing? Well, hang on, I've gone from predictable to unpredictable, and that was just a total shock to the system, you know. You you've gone from the predictable school schedule to so much uncertainty. So personally at this time, I see myself with a lot of anxiety, I see Brad with a lot of anxiety. So I and the next question was what's next? You know, and what now? What what happens from here? And that that created a lot of uncertainty for me as well. And yeah, it was huge, huge sort of thing, you know. And the impact on Brad losing that predictable routine created absolute havoc, you know, and I can say that because that's exactly what I felt. I felt havoc at that time.

SPEAKER_03 22:40

So it was unplanned, it was unplanned, and you're a military guy, so for your profile, it was like, oh my gosh, I wasn't planning to be doing it this year.

SPEAKER_00 22:51

Totally. And and the other thing is like when I went to school, I I went to a job. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 22:58

Like where what you know, and yeah,

Anxiety After Losing The Routine

SPEAKER_03 23:03

and you as a volunteer, right? As a volunteer?

SPEAKER_00 23:07

Oh no, I'm talking about when I left school.

SPEAKER_01 23:09

When I left school and then what you yourself, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:15

I went to work. Well, Brad's left school, and yeah, we're what what is out there? So yeah. And again, there, you know, we um we started talking to people, and there was things that come up, and there was a place age that we put Rad into, but yeah, that didn't really go. It was okay for a while while we had the one-on-one support, but as soon as the one-on-one support was pulled, yeah, Bradley's OC and that kicked in. But I'll talk about his OC a little bit later on then.

SPEAKER_03 23:47

Which is what's OC stand for for people that don't know?

SPEAKER_00 23:51

Obsessive compulsive disorder. I'll give you an example, and I'm just talking about Bradley's diagnosis or whatever you wish, because I'm looking to share. I don't want to share all of his diagnosis because that's his private information as well. But one of Bradley's was he had to touch door handles. So door handles, and he'd hold it on that door handle for so long, and it used to be really tough. And you're walking behind him, and then he goes to grab a door handle and stop, and you're like, bang, as I say to Brad, Hey, where's your brake lights, mate? Come on. It's like that that was that was only one of his, but yeah, that was a really big attachment.

SPEAKER_03 24:29

Yeah, yeah. So, what did you do? Like, how did you guys fill your time or Brad's time?

SPEAKER_00 24:40

Well, here we are back, here we are back together. So, look, we were we were just really marking time, we weren't filling time trying to find things that support, and it got

OCD Signs And Daily Challenges

SPEAKER_00 25:30

to the stage we were trying little things, and the loss of the routine from school that he'd done for so long really impacted, you know, moving forward with you know his anxiety and things like that. And then the idea came that Fred might need a gap here.

SPEAKER_03 25:50

So a gap, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:52

A gap, yeah. Yeah, just a you to try to kind of bring himself down. We keep set some sort of schedule up, just give it to him where he's not trying to learn, but in a controlled, more controlled, you know, less anxiety sort of way, you know what I mean? Like we could have kept continue to try, but Brad was showing us and telling us by behaviors that it was too much for him. It was just too much. So we needed to wind that back. So we thought with the gap year, we could travel around and then um sort out some schedules and things like that, and try to get something more concrete into place instead of trying to work it out on the run, so to speak. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 26:33

So when you were thinking about the gap year, you said that you thought, oh, we'll travel. Talk to me about that.

SPEAKER_02 26:46

Travel. We yeah. Sorry.

SPEAKER_00 26:51

Travel, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 26:54

Did you go like overseas or or what did you do? What what is travel?

SPEAKER_00 26:58

No, I can get it out, but it it's a really hard I'm sort of like reliving that part. It's a really hard emotion because it was so good, but there were so many challenges as well. So, you know, trying to hurt that, Tracy and I bought a caravan and we decided that we'd like to take Bradley on that journey. So our plans were up to Darwin, cross the cairns, and then back down to SA. So half of half of a lap, so to speak. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 27:27

So and for how long? Like, were you thinking like in three weeks, four weeks, five months? What were you guys thinking?

SPEAKER_00 27:34

Six months.

SPEAKER_03 27:35

Six months. So thinking about okay, Brad, you've got a gap here. Travel, let's all go together. And what you just left yours house

The Gap Year Idea Takes Shape

SPEAKER_03 27:45

and and Brad said, like, because you guys lived together, and then you just went in the caravan and did your six months. So what happened then?

SPEAKER_00 27:56

What happened in the six months? Starting off strong. We we'd had a schedule on where we're going to stay, and all the sort of things all planned out. So it was working in with like Bradley can only handle so much time in the car, and myself and my back I can handle. So we'd had it all planned out. It was pretty rigid where we were going, complete schedule up to Darwin. And Tracy and I paid for support worker to come up and spend a few days with Bradley in Darwin to keep consistency from his worker and all that sort of thing. And then we were moving across from Darwin to Cairns, and we'd set ourselves some like a certain amount of

Planning The Six Month Caravan Trip

SPEAKER_00 28:47

time, but we'd also arrange for another carer to meet Bradley in Cairns to spend, we hired a hired a cabin and he spent time with his carers away from mum and dad and that sort of thing. And we sure kind of got short on time because we spent a bit too much time in Darwin, so to speak. Um from Darwin to Cannes, yeah, it kind of changed for us. It kind of changed for Bradley. Loss of predictability. Yeah, poor bugger. Yeah, I felt sorry for him.

SPEAKER_03 29:23

Could he feel like you guys were in a hurry to meet the carer in Cairns? Like what was he feeling? What do you think it was? Because I think this would be really good for other parents that are traveling, right?

SPEAKER_00 29:35

Yeah, yeah, totally. What did Bradley feel? He was completely dysregulated. It would only take this the smallest thing he would he would react, so to speak. He developed head ticks during this time. Yeah, which was challenging. So yeah. You know, looking back at it now, you know, we had it so well planned up to Darwin, you know, and I think once we got into Darwin as well, Tracy and I, you know, we're in holiday mode, you know, we're kind of it over schedules, and you know, this has been happening for years and years and years, and we kind of got flexible on it, I guess. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 30:24

Which you deserved, which you deserved, because it was also a gap year for you, right?

SPEAKER_00 30:29

I was great. I I was outside the walls, I was looking at nature, just it was really nice for me. It was really, really, yeah. And I looked back, so I barely developed really bad headaches. That was really, really bad. And that carried on for a few years. The OCD also kind of started in that way as well. Like I can remember him in the caravan just touching the the handles on the cupboards and things like that. And then we made it to Cairns. So yeah, we made it to Cairns. And then Tracy and I decided that it was best for Bradley to fly home. So her and Bradley flew home. We were just trying to get him back predictability, those sort

When The Plan Breaks Predictability

SPEAKER_00 31:14

of things, as in safe in the house, you know, he knew the house. It was safe for him, it would kind of regulate him down. Exposing him to more of the holiday was not even an option. I I can remember we went to Eat Sunday Islands and we got dropped off of this beautiful beach. It was that white sandy one, I can't remember what it's called. And anyway, we got off, we had a great time in the water, just peddling our feet and whatever, and being there, and then it was time to get back on on the boat, and it wasn't a massive boat. Anyway, we jumped on the back and Bradley just screamed. He just absolutely screamed as he seen the island, so like the boat pulling away from the island, and he couldn't see the island, and he just screamed, and that was the one stuff, the only time really that I felt like um I don't know, Bradley was so I actually felt he was gonna jump out of that boat into the water, you know, and when we sing that, it's you know, it's he's telling us something, and we need to listen because yeah. So yeah, that was another big sign. So Tracy and Bradley back, and I stayed in Cairns for a short time with the caravan and the car, and hoping that maybe Bradley and Tracy can rejoin us. But yeah, that didn't happen because Brett couldn't do it. So I don't think Tracy and I could do it as in bringing him up there. We would love to be in the cans and everything like that, but you know, we yeah, we need to help Brad at this stage. So that was just coming back, and then I just yeah, drove back with a caravan. And then I was introduced really to these new two things called OCD and TIPS. So I felt a bit I felt shattered to be honest, you know. You know, I'm like, I've already got ASD and then the intellectual stuff as well, and then now you want to give me this as well. I'm like, come on, you know, it was really, really hard. And I didn't understand OCD. I did not understand, I did not I I got a full understanding now, and I yeah, I respect that that needs to happen for Brett. He needed such hostile handles, and that's cool. Really tough stage, done it. I mean for me I thought I thought this was something that was going to be really good. The travel or just taking away from the demands of life, you know, like you know, just creating something that's so busy into something so simple, like going out. But I guess in that decision, I'm thinking to consider all his needs as well. But it's also what Tracy and I needed as well. So just one of those situations, but it's hard when he has the best intentions, and then sometimes, you know, the ticks and all that was pretty hard to see him with that.

SPEAKER_03 34:26

But I also think, Graham, if you look at it the other way, if you didn't do it, you would have thought, what if, what if, what if, right? And that you wouldn't have given Brad that gap year. And I do quote unquote because you know, gap years are different for all of us. But also I think it got you guys to really understand Brad at even a deeper level when he was without instructor, right? So, and that also helped you for his future because if you didn't have that, he wouldn't be where he is now. And now, you know, fast forward.

Coming Home With Tics And OCD

SPEAKER_03 35:04

I just want to let the audience know that fast forward, Brad can travel, likes to travel, has to be on his own terms, he goes with support workers by himself, he loves like the theme parts and everything. And you know, it's not like he was burnt from traveling, but he didn't want to get back in the camera for a while, right?

SPEAKER_00 35:25

At least not the caravan. Yeah, that was the end of that.

SPEAKER_03 35:36

No, I know, and then you know, you didn't know. And then, you know, I mean hindsight, hindsight's always a good thing, right? Like, hey, we could have gone shorter, we could have done this, we could have done that, but your hearts were really set on that having done all that hard work with Brad all that time through the school years, and now it's like, right, this is our window to do something together as a family before Brad starts his next stage of life. And you know, it's just one of those things.

SPEAKER_00 36:07

Totally, totally, yeah. Just you know, when I when I look back at it now, you know, what do I wish I could have done better in that situation? And for me, communication with Bradley. Actually sitting down and showing we we had a paper map, we took a paper map because it was visual for Brad and showing him, okay, this, this, and this got caught in the the loop of trying to make it to the next destination before the support worker gets there and thing, but communication was really good, visuals and everything, up until Darwin, and then yeah, and also understand that we didn't do this just for Bradley. This was for Tracy and I as well. It was really important, you know, it wasn't just for Bradley, but it was an opportunity, and we took the opportunity, and you know, it was very hard to talk about it, but we done our best and you've done a pretty good job, you know. I mean, yeah, Bradley soon told us, that's for sure. So yeah.

SPEAKER_03 37:05

And and why I wanted you to share this story is because I think you know, I see on social media, you know, parents traveling with kids and having a great time and children that are neurodivergent, etc. etc. But it's not for everyone.

SPEAKER_00 37:23

Right? It's not for everyone, you know. And then, you know, I'll I'll have I've probably done it again. What I would have probably done is gone to the local caravan park and spent a night there with Brad in the caravan, and then built that to two or three. So he got used to the caravan. I'm just because to me, I'm like a caravan beauty, let's go. But it's a whole new world for Brad. So to get an understanding of the caravan, you know, and we had the caravan, but Tracy and I used to spend our time outside because Brad had the caravan. He needed that space, you know, and it was fitted into his world as well, you know. So give and take it.

SPEAKER_03 38:01

He hadn't actually caravanned in the caravan. He knew the caravan, he was in the caravan, he understood the caravan, but he hadn't gone away in the caravan, right? For even a week or two.

SPEAKER_00 38:13

No, even I know what's happened in the caravan. Bradley's like he can see a bed, he doesn't know what's his bit of well, how does that shower work? Do I turn on the ta, you know, just those sort of simple sort of things. It's a whole new world. Totally. When you sit down and really think about, yeah, you know.

SPEAKER_03 38:28

And also the different environments because Darwin's temperature is very different to Adelaide temperature.

SPEAKER_00 38:34

And sand flies. I got bitten to pieces by sand flies.

SPEAKER_03 38:37

Oh, well, yeah, exactly. Exactly. So, okay, Brad comes back. So you're all back now, you've sold the caravan. What's next for your family?

SPEAKER_00 38:50

Um yeah, we took a period of time just to find our feet again, I think, just a few weeks and things like that. And then we, you know, we got to work on what's next for Brad, I think. I think what started to happen was those supports. We went and seen a doctor about the ticks and things like that, and you know, what do we do about that and all that sort of stuff, and um, and then she referred us to another doctor who then actually referred us to Yuri Donna. Oh, okay. That was the start of our journey, which was really, really cool. So yeah, yeah. I always say Bradley's taught me the most in this area, without a doubt, 100%. But I think yourself and DE have helped me understand it.

SPEAKER_03 39:51

So the developmental educator, right? That Brad has.

SPEAKER_00 39:54

Developmental educator, yeah, have helped me understand. I'm looking at all these things and then simple words like keep it simple, or you know, when you're doing something, just keep it simple, you know, or those sort of things.

SPEAKER_03 40:07

So yeah, that's that's where he was already he he was on NDIS, right? And he had support workers in the home. Is that right?

SPEAKER_00 40:20

We're on our initial journey. There was um organization that looked at NDIS wasn't quite there, and we'd had this person come in. The fit wasn't right with Bradley and the person and that sort of thing. And then we were taking them to NDOAS, and we got a support coordinator and things like that, which then helped us on our journey. So, you know, what's next, and then opportunities. You know, there was another working program that Bradley tried that we tried and things

Rebuilding Supports With NDIS Help

SPEAKER_00 40:51

like that. So, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 40:53

Tell me about the role of the support coordinator and how important was it for you to have a support coordinator for your family and for Brad? And how I guess, like, how do you know that the support coordinator is a good one? Because sometimes families do have them, but they're not happy with them. Were you happy with your support coordinator?

SPEAKER_00 41:18

Yeah, we were. The support coordinator became part of the support team for Tracy and I. So we we created a support team as then support coordinator, speech, DE, you know, and that sort of thing to help us. So, yeah, thank support coordinator. So I've got NDUS package, and Tracy and I chose to be self-managed, and we took that responsibility on, so we're not passing that on. That's totally on Tracy and I. Let's just say I'm in a completely new world. You know, I can't read all the rules and regulations and things like that, but the support worker actually simplified that for us.

SPEAKER_03 42:04

Support coordinator?

SPEAKER_00 42:05

Yeah, definitely. Yeah. Simplified the NDIS down because I'm like, wow, you know, lots of but yeah, just helping simplifying the process for us and options, you know. Oh, I know about this program. Don't know if it's right with Brad, but would you like to, you know, and just that guidance really, that guidance was so crucial because we knew what we basically had, but we where were we going? Like, do you know what I mean? It's like there was no real defined road, but yeah, it it worked for us. So it's poor quite a then we got some independent support team in, so and they would come over and take Brad out a few times a week, trying to get him remembered to come off that caravan trip, so trying to get him back into

What A Great Support Coordinator Does

SPEAKER_00 42:53

that more comfort zone for him, sort of thing. So yeah, I think we started with one support worker. Um that was very as a parent, that was very, yeah, very challenging, I guess. You know, you've got to let your baby go as well. And then there's the other side of that too, is to having someone always in your home. You know what I mean? Like having a support worker, you know. If you're having a bad day and you want to leave it a bit scruffy, always felt the pressure. Oh, I've got to get it up. And you know, I but that's pressure, I'll probably put it myself.

SPEAKER_03 43:25

But you know, it's how how was it challenging? Like how well, I understand how it was challenging. How did you get over the challenge of I'm gonna have to get a support worker for Brad? I've got to get over it. Like that little bridge, because I know a lot of families who've got adult kids, it's quite hard to get from I'm doing it to someone else's doing it. How did you do that?

SPEAKER_00 43:52

Just speaking to people, too, you know, just speaking just like yourself, Donna, and things like that, you know, making me you know, just gentle words, but making them realize that you know, it it's for Brad, it's not just what I need, I guess. You know, I I've got to think of everyone's need to now, so it's what works for Brad. I just have to push through that, you know. It's and I kind of like with the support worker as well, it was kind of good to see him go out with someone other than Mum and Dad. You know, it it's a start of his identity as well, you know. It you know, it's someone he felt safe with and was happy to go places and things like that. And that short time gave Tracy an eye break as well, you know, because it it was I think there were only two or three hours stinks at that time. It's like that two or three hours gold, you know. We didn't do much except for sort of just recover, like just veg on the couch and go, oh yeah. We've got this time factor, so yeah. So yeah,

Letting Support Workers Into Your Home

SPEAKER_00 44:56

it was beneficial, it was scary. Um, I've learned that I can't place my this is just for me, and I'm only speaking for me. I I can't place my insecurities on Brad. Do you know or bring them into that? They're my insecurities. I know he was safe and I really knew that, but I always overthought I was gonna be safe or anything like that. You know, if I had my time again, you know, it's accepting, okay, you've Brad's employed this person, and you know, that's what Brad wants and things like that. I had to take my emotions and feelings out of it. Yeah, but yeah.

SPEAKER_03 45:33

But it's hard, it's hard, isn't it? Like at that time.

SPEAKER_00 45:36

And hindsight is always gold, but at the time it's really like I'm here talking, you know, because like when I look back and things, it's like, yeah, okay, I'll see that now. And this is just totally me and my feelings and what I felt at that time. I'm not flipping or putting. On anyone else's suggest thing. So yeah, but it's very challenging. It's like oh yeah. I remember like the first day, like at Play Group, I put a three three meter exclusion zone around him. Come on, let's keep back, kids. Let's keep back. You know he was just my gem. Well, our gem trees is my gem, but I'm like, don't go near him, sort of thing. Yeah, it was really funny. Even even at play group, you know, like he went there for months. He ever ate once like lunch, and that was fish fingers once. All the time that he went, he never ate there. But yeah, it's just like I'm like, I'm really happy with that. At least he ate once because before he hadn't eaten at all. So it was like cool, that's great.

SPEAKER_03 46:39

So um yeah, and I guess like what I remember about those years when he was transitioning into community, what you and I started to talk about a lot in therapy sessions. Because the next stage was about how you know, like you're consolidating his skills at home, right? So we talked about the activities of daily living and and things like that. So what were you able to let go of and let him do at home, Graham? Because you did a lot for him and you sometimes would joke, oh I'm Brad's butler. What how was that transitioning like from doing everything for Brad to okay, I've got to teach him now, he's gotta start doing it himself. Okay, first of all, I was a PA to a rock star, so it's like personal assistance to a rock star, of course, because he went everywhere with his sonnies, right? There you go.

SPEAKER_00 47:43

The change came for me and with like the professional help. So, like Donna, you were really at the start, you know. I I remember the shopping because I can remember like I don't want to go shopping or anything, and one thing that sits in my head, you said, Oh, he needs a shopping list. I'm like, Oh, of course he does, because he don't know what he's going in there for or what the purpose of it is. And then I started to see these little things, you know. I'm just thinking, go there, get the milk, that's it. But Rudd needs a shopping list, and it started with a shopping list, you know. Even you know, to go into the deli, you know, buy milk or just one milk and get that sort of interaction. So you really helped me open up my eyes. It was not easy, and I'm really thankful because you were independent living schools. Well, you and the team at my my therapy house were, you know, independent living

Teaching Independence Without Overhelping

SPEAKER_00 48:39

schools, you know. So it was cooking. Do you remember the cooking? Cooking, and you know, because present day everyone is amazed at how good Bradley cooks. It's like that's his love.

SPEAKER_03 48:51

Cooking is his love because food is love. And I remember, Graham, you buying him a chef's hat, and then what was beautiful, you bought him all the safe utensils that he could use. So you went right, you did 100% turnaround on that, and he cooked for everyone and got everybody's orders, and oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_00 49:13

Yeah, it was that really that was massive for Bradley. That that was his foundation with that cooking, and then the deer coming after that as well, which yeah, and that's a really, really important skill. But I mean, food is such a reward to Brad, you know. So you don't just get the reward. Sometimes you have to earn the reward, so you have to make that meal for him. We usually not sort of like the pre-made meals, as in in high fresh and things like that now. So it's got the recipe, the visual for him to follow, some of the ingredients there, and then he gets into it. So just yeah, that's so great.

SPEAKER_03 49:48

That's so great. And I think that's how we married the the supermarket

Cooking First Then Shopping Makes Sense

SPEAKER_03 49:53

in. It wasn't supermarket first, it was cooking first, and then items next, because it made sense. So as a speech pathologist, I kept saying it has to make sense for him, it has to be a logical sequence and it's for his comprehension, right?

SPEAKER_00 50:08

100% and I didn't understand that at the time, I didn't know. But you know what I mean? Like, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 50:13

And then the other thing you guys did, like I know for you it was about him doing more things at home, like making his bed and putting his washing in the in the washing basket. And later you even allowed him to do some washing, Graham.

SPEAKER_00 50:33

Totally, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 50:34

You know, and even because that was your domain. That was your domain.

SPEAKER_00 50:39

Sit back, my little rock star, I've got this. It's like that's away. Here we go. You know, and it was just a simple thing like the washing, and it's kind of hard because I didn't have any other identity, I guess, for myself. So that was my purpose. I need to be, you know, I need to do that for Bradley. That's that's my purpose in life. But I didn't know any different until later on. But yeah, so yeah, and very hard. And someone's like, oh, you know, make him wash it. And he doesn't need that, he's got me. What's going on? But it's crucial, it's crucial because as you hear later on when he's moved out, you know, I'll just say he's actually doing his washing now, his own washing.

SPEAKER_03 51:19

So oh he'd be doing the whole thing.

SPEAKER_00 51:21

And what about with supervision on the washing and things that he's doing? We're still building on that, but yeah, it's really cool.

SPEAKER_03 51:30

And that's what he needs, yeah. And what about the visuals around the house? Because you guys, you know, and that's what I loved working with you as a family. Like, I'd give you a little idea and then all of a sudden it's implemented. Talk to people about the visuals, how you guys came to that, because Tracy was really she's admin, so she she made quite a few of the visuals.

SPEAKER_00 51:53

She was right into it, yeah. You know, like scheduling. Yeah, I think visuals are very important to Brad, as in because I feel from what I've watched and what I've observed over the years, Bradley sees things in pictures. You know, the words can be really hard sometimes for Bradley. And I totally understand that with my anxiety as well. Words are really hard, but if I see something, it's kind of less the process, I guess, or is more of a safe thing. So visuals, and then yeah, first of all, we started off with a like to create a a weekly schedule for Brad. We started off with sort of like it'd be home, then, and we'd have three things that he could pick. So it would be shopping or just starting small like that. Then we worked on a day schedule, like one day at a time, and doing that, set to the format of the school. So we do two things, then it's then it's recess, or we call it snap now. Then we do two things and then it's lunch, and then it's two things, and then we're done. And to give him predictability of like when it was finished, we added a green tick, so a little velcro tick that he could put across and give him that it was completion. Otherwise, he's like, Well, what have I done? Where am I much sort of thing? So again, then we build on one day to a week. And so we had seven single schedules, and Bradley would write in there what he

Visual Schedules That Reduce Anxiety

SPEAKER_00 53:35

would wanted to do, and if there was something that needed to be done, appointment or something like that, would go Bradley, okay, Bradley got an appointment here, sort of thing. And then yeah, we went real big. We went real because it's Bradley's house, so yeah, we got a big but no, but this is when you're still at home, right?

SPEAKER_03 53:56

Because you were still doing this at home, because we're gonna talk about his house later. But at home you still had that, and I remember Brad would write down what he's gonna eat during the week. He actually planned it, still does it to the day, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 54:11

Carried over from there. Yeah, he needed to know what we're having at like dinner time. It wasn't so much lunch, but now he likes he does breakfast, dinner, uh breakfast, lunch, and dinner, Monday to Friday, sort of thing for that to be developing as well.

SPEAKER_03 54:25

So good, the whole planning. And then I also remember working with him, and we would do what we call in jargon recount or talking about what you did in the day. And what we learnt was that Brad is much better at writing things down than he is speaking them, and he would just write pages and pages and pages and pages of what he did during the week, wasn't it?

SPEAKER_00 54:51

Totally, still does it to the day, still does it. It's his way of journaling, it's his way of expressing what he's done for the day, and then he doesn't really read it out, but he'll say certain words along the journey, and I get the picture of what he's writing about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I just want to say a couple of things here, like with therapists and things like that. We've had our therapists for a while. But along along the along the journey, I've heard, oh well, therapists come in and they get out. You know, get in, fix that problem, and then it's you know, stuff to discharge and things. But what I'd like to say to that is once you get growth, there are a whole lot of different challenges, a whole lot more challenges. And without your support and the DE support, would have been a whole different story for me. So, yeah, because I hear a lot of therapists, you know, you know, we're here for a short time and then we go, well, that's cool, but things develop, you know. Billy's moving to his own house. We didn't know anything about that. The support from DE and yourself was massive, you know. So, you know.

SPEAKER_03 55:56

And I also think, you know, people sometimes people look at formal assessments. And some of these guys do really well on formal assessments, or they don't. And if they don't, therapists don't really know what to do next. And, you know, you have to be very creative and you've got to work with the family, and you've been a great family to work with, or they do so well on formal assessments, they get normal scores because they've been formally assessed, you know, by different types of assessments for all their life, so they know what to do. And then therapist goes, Oh, well, they've reached normal development, but functionally they haven't.

SPEAKER_00 56:39

Here's the big here's the biggest challenge that I faced in filling out forms. When I filled out forms, I was thinking, oh, Bradley can do that, you know, i.e., go and wash the dishes, Bradley can do that, but it was challenging for him. I was thinking, yeah, Bradley can do it because I help him. And yep, okay, Bradley can do that. But I was including myself in the structure. Like now I think if I was put Bradley there by himself, would he be able to do it?

SPEAKER_02 57:06

No.

SPEAKER_00 57:06

I'm like, we've got some challenges there, you know. It's not no, exactly right. And it's hard

Why Therapy Support Can’t Be One Off

SPEAKER_00 57:13

doing that all the time. Do you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 57:14

It's like it's very hard because you know, you we want to be strengths-based and we want to see what the person can do. But unfortunately, NDIS is a disability insurance agency, which means we need to look at the functionality of the person and what they cannot do. And, you know, it's one of these things that we've always got to think about. Okay, where where are the gaps? We've got to think about the gaps. We know that the person can do quite a lot, but there are lots of gaps, and they can do a lot because they get the support that they need to do it, right?

SPEAKER_00 57:53

Without the support, really wouldn't be uh well. Roger would find it very challenging to be in his home for me, 100%.

SPEAKER_03 58:02

He needs support all the time, yeah. 24. Well, thank you again, Graham.

SPEAKER_00 58:09

Hang on down, and here's the thing. He sorry, sorry.

SPEAKER_03 58:13

No, no, he keep going.

SPEAKER_00 58:15

Like I can go in there, Tracy and I can go in there and step in there and do it. That's not what Bradley wants. Bradley's growing and having his own independence. Yeah, he doesn't want mum and dad around to do it. He's growing himself. So having those supports are so so important for Bradley for his growth because it's his own identity and mum and dad aren't doing it with him. So very,

The Trap In NDIS Forms And Function

SPEAKER_00 58:39

very important.

SPEAKER_03 58:40

And I can't wait to talk and go deep into that next episode, because that's where we're going to start is how did you know it was time? And I know I know the story behind this, and I think it's gonna be great. And I absolutely can't wait for the next episode because it's so inspiring.

SPEAKER_00 59:01

Yeah, it is a big challenge. I'm not gonna say it too much. It was a big learning curve, that's for sure.

SPEAKER_03 59:06

Yeah, that's for sure. That's for sure.

SPEAKER_00 59:11

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 59:15

Thank you so much, Graeme, you know, for going back and looking at the school years and the community and your travel experiences. And it's not easy to go back and bring those thoughts back, those memories back, and those emotions back. But I'm really glad you did because I think your story would resonate with quite a few people and also teach people so much.

SPEAKER_00 59:41

And it's healing for me because I had this story and I didn't know how to share it or wasn't able to share it. So it's really nice for me to be able to share it. And yeah, so yeah, I get a lot out of it. But thank you, Donna.

SPEAKER_03 59:56

I can feel a book coming on.

SPEAKER_00 59:59

So I think I can too, because there's a lot to cover in such six episodes.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:04

Yeah, that's right. That's right. So thank you so much, Graeme. And you know, as we talked about, transitions can be exciting, they could be full of grief, they could be fearful and hope all at once. And I think today's conversation highlighted how important it is to support not only the individual person, but the whole family through these changes. So, as I mentioned, next week we'll be talking about one of the biggest transitions of all for Brad so far. What do they always say? You know, like these big life journeys, and one of them is about buying a home. So it's about buying the house, setting it up, and thinking about who's going to support him, how they're going to support him, how you're going to build a home for Brad that's separate to yours, and what made that meant for him emotionally, for you and for Tracy. So thank you again, Graham, for joining me. And thank you, everyone, for listening in on the Empowered Parent podcast. And see you next week. Or you'll listen to us next week.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:14

Thank you, everyone.