ALL4ONE: A FATHER'S STORY: Episode 4: From Safety To Independence Through Supported Living

Buying a home for your child sounds like a practical decision until you realise it also forces a whole new identity for everyone involved. We sit down with Graham to unpack how his family moved from assuming Bradley would live with them forever to building a supported home where he can grow into adulthood with safety, dignity, and choice. Along the way, we talk about OCD, tics, anxiety, and what it looks like when a young person’s needs are expressed through behaviour rather than neat explanations. 

A big thread through our chat is the power of curiosity. Graham shares how a developmental educator helped him notice patterns, understand what he was seeing, and stop defaulting to “No, that’s not possible.” We explore what a developmental educator actually does in the home, why predictable routines and tailored resources matter, and how the right professionals can take pressure off parents while still keeping the child’s voice at the centre. 

We also get very real about the NDIS logistics: comparing living options, deciding against a shared model that didn’t suit Bradley, then dealing with rosters, staffing, funding changes, medication processes, and the learning curve of managing a team. Graham speaks honestly about the emotional load, survival mode, and later recognising PTSD, plus the surprising signs of adulthood when Bradley starts setting boundaries and claiming his space. If you’re planning future living options and independent living supports, this conversation will give you language, ideas, and hope. Subscribe, share this with another parent, and leave a review so more families can find it.

danabaltutis.com,  mytherapyhouse.com.au, https://mytherapyhouse.com.au/your-childs-therapy-journey/ https://www.danabaltutis.com/services

Transcript

Welcome And What’s At Stake

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Hi everyone. Today we are going to talk about something a little different with Grime on the Empowered Parent Podcast. So welcome to the listeners and welcome back Grimm.

SPEAKER_01 0:18

Hi everyone, great to be back.

SPEAKER_00 0:21

So today we're going to continue the story of Grimes and Brad and Tracy's family and making one of the biggest transitions of their lives. Many parents currently wonder what life will look like for their child as they grow older and how they can create safety, independence, identity, and belonging for them in other orders. Because safety often is one of the main things. Today, Graham, you're going to share the journey of buying and establishing a home for Brad and the emotional transition that came with it. So let's start. I'm just going to ask you this question: how did the idea of buying a home for Brad begin?

SPEAKER_01 1:18

Good question, Dana. Yeah, it kind of wasn't Tracy's and my idea. It's as I left off from last week, we just started with the um support coordinator speech and the development educator. So after Bradley with the ticks and the OCD, we these people were brought into us. And it was really interesting because a DE, he used to come around and he was helping us with the ticks understand that and all those sort of things, those challenges.

SPEAKER_00 1:52

That's the developmental educator, right? Yep.

SPEAKER_01 1:55

Yep, yep, yep. He came in and we're running things over the week and well, over weeks. And he just said to me one day, like, oh, do you think Bradley wants to have his own home? And I'm like, nah, I don't think so. I don't, no, I don't think, no, nah, no, I don't think so. So he left me with that for a while. And then when we were speaking with the support coordinator, it came up again. Do you think Bradley needs a home? You know? That's how it started, because we were sort of under the impression that Bradley would live with us for the

The Seed Of A Separate Home

SPEAKER_01 2:30

for his remainder. So yeah, that's how it all started and just developed from there. Yeah, really interesting.

SPEAKER_00 2:36

So was it, I guess my question is, were did these people plant seeds for you? Or was that was that something in the back of your mind, or were and then they just you know supported the seeds to grow that were already in your mind? Or did they plant the seed of Bradley having his own home?

SPEAKER_01 3:01

Yeah, well, I wasn't open to the idea because we've got Bradley with the OCD, he's got these head ticks now, and yeah, I I wasn't I wasn't thinking about that. So, but what we learned is Bradley wanted his own home. So basically, I call it planting the seeds, it was suggested sort of thing. I needed time to go away and think about that and adjust to sort of even contemplate that, you know, because it wasn't really something we'd put a lot of thought in. We thought we got him for the rest of our life, sort of thing. So yeah, but very, very helpful, very helpful. And and to be honest, it's what Brad wanted. I think during that period with the DE on those sessions, I used to, when the decision was there or had to be made, I I just used to say no, you know. Oh no, I don't think Bradley can do that. I don't think that's possible. But what the DE taught me is be curious. You know, oh maybe, or because we don't really know. So it was just, you know, being, and that's where I get the curious for the business as well. You know, I'm curious about ability and things like that, just to be curious, whereas I'll just shutting it down. No, I don't think that's good for Bradley. To the point when Bradley had the ticks and all that sort of stuff, you know, he kind of be really challenging for him. And you know, I'm like, oh let's close the day down, you know, like let's let's keep Bradley home and keep him in that safe environment. But what Bradley was wanting was to actually go out and be out of the house. So he also sort of told me to like to listen to Bradley's voice, you know, listen to what he's doing. And that doesn't come in words, that could be in actions or you know, it could be it could be words too, but for Brad it was in the behavior. Everything just felt frantic, if I could say that, like you know what I mean, and it not a chance or feeling.

SPEAKER_00 5:09

Like he was stuck in his body and he wanted to come out.

SPEAKER_01 5:14

I put it simply, he was telling us something and we weren't listening. So, how do you get that point across from there? So it came out with that frustration, because I know when people don't I don't feel like I'm listening to, you know, that frustration, and it just kept building and building and building and building. Yeah, so and then it became really worrying for Tracy and I because what's going on? You know, what what what's what's happening? But that's where I learned to listen to Bradley without a doubt. That's that's another thing that he taught me. You know, Bradley's telling us something, it's now what is that that he's trying to tell us? And it was right, he wanted to move at home.

SPEAKER_00 5:59

So that bridge between no and I started listening to Brad. How much did you have to work on your own mindset and how did you do it? Like for parents that are listening and might be in that, well, no, that's ridiculous, they're gonna live with us for the rest of their life. How did you do that with yourself?

SPEAKER_01 6:24

Um through the DE on those regular, you know, therapy sessions and things like that. I'd ask questions, you know, oh, I didn't understand something. And the DE really helped me what I was seeing, I didn't quite understand, you know. And he helped me understand what I was actually seeing. So first thing, look for patterns, look for patterns with Bradley. And I'm like, patterns? I'm like, is that like, you know, when you make your clothes, you have that pattern? I'm like, what do you mean by patterns? You know, watch what he does, you know. It'll be the same thing consistently, pretty much. And that's okay. If something deviates from that pattern, then get curious, you know. It's curious, is there something? Or is Bradley trying to

Listening To Behaviour As Communication

SPEAKER_01 7:10

tell us because pattern is so constant all the time, like making a couple? If he does something in there, then get curious, you know. Oh, is there something else? Or you know, is that just part of his growth and he's doing something new, or yeah, whereas before I would have shut it down, I would have gone over there and I'll do it for you, Brad. So yeah, but toughest stage of all believing in Brad. Yeah, that's that's when I started to believe in Brad too. You know, I seen small things when he was working with the DE, you know, and like, oh, oh, and then again, that just brought on that curious mind, you know, instead of yeah, I think I kind of managed too much with Bradley. It was, you know, kind of I know him, I know him best, I've been with him all the time, that ego sort of thing, and I needed to take that ego out of it and look at Bradley as an individual. So yeah, that's why I really started to listen to Bradley and listen to what he's telling us. And again, it wasn't in words, it could have been in pictures, it could be uh writing on his schedule, it could be, but the thing is, we were now listening to him, and that anxiety started to decrease.

SPEAKER_00 8:24

So let's talk about the developmental educator a little bit and the role, because I think that's something new for some of the families that might be listening, because people know about speech pathology, physio, occupational therapy, support work, doctors, but they don't really know where the developmental educator would fit in. How long is the developmental educator different to, let's say, the allied health professionals, quote unquote, and the support worker where? Because it sounds like this the developmental educator was a turning point in your life, and I agree. But for families that might be listening and they might say, no, we don't need a development educator, they go to OT, speech, physio, we've got support workers. How important is the developmental educator and how would you describe their role for Brad in that time and in your family?

SPEAKER_01 9:27

Yeah, okay. So originally Brad had speech OT and the development educator. We got to budget restraints, and unfortunately, something had to go. So it was the OT. And I kind of filled that thing. Well, I started to do watch what the OT started to do and just play ball sports, that's fine, and all that sort of thing. So the development we've got our support coordinator and yourself and thing. Support coordinator helped us massively, massively, because I'm I'm going, I can fix this, and what's next? Pretty much like with school and everything. I've got this, no worries. And that that

What A Developmental Educator Does

SPEAKER_01 10:17

support coordinator grounded me, guidance and working with the DE, and it just took a lot of pressure off. And probably, you know, seeing those two believe Bradley could do it gave me, I don't know, that reassurance or that validation. So really, really important. What did the DE? The DE was putting it simply, an interpreter for Bradley. I knew what I was looking at. I I didn't understand what I was seeing in patterns and things like that. And then I adapted that attitude or mindset. What can I do? What can I do? So I really got, you know, when those sessions were on, you know, I took his ear off 15 minutes asking, just asking questions. What can I do? What can I do? And how can I fit this and that guidance was was crucial for me. Really too.

SPEAKER_00 11:12

And strategies, right? He had great strategies for you. Resources for Brad.

SPEAKER_01 11:17

Resources, you know. We we started with a day schedule because Bradley didn't know what was happening in the day, you know, win you, sort of thing, but Bradley didn't. So just yeah, he he took the unpredictable world away and made it predictable for Brad, which then caught us. So yeah, it's a team effort. It's a it's a team effort.

SPEAKER_00 11:40

So did the DE make the resources for you as well, or did you have to make them?

SPEAKER_01 11:46

Well, he started doing them. Yeah. And then I'm like, well, you know, I've got half an hour. Tell me what you want me to do. And yeah. Actually, and then I allocated it to Tracy because she's the wizard.

SPEAKER_00 11:58

This is the admin. Yeah, because I think that's the other thing. Like, and I know that I worked with you guys as well, and you know, I was talking about visuals and this and that and the other, and you know, and everyone's like, Yeah, yeah, yeah, he needs that, he needs this. But I think what the DE does, they come into the home and they look at what they're doing in real life, and they make the things that are needed in that moment in the home. Is that right?

SPEAKER_01 12:27

100%. Yeah, it's customized to Bradley, what Bradley needs, what works best for Bradley. Yeah. And I really appreciated that because I used to go and try things and you know, it'd be a day exercise where with that precise skill of the DE, it was specific to Bradley, what Bradley needs, what's going to help Bradley, and then that taught us. So very, very valuable. But again, you know, it's not down to one person, you know, support coordinator, speech, DE, mum and dad, you know, and other supports that you have, you know. I really needed, you know, I used to go to sessions and like, mm-hmm, like, yeah, okay. But then I started to adapt. Well, what can I do? You know, so I can go home and practice that, you know, or you know, with regulation, you know, I can set the area up for him because I didn't understand it all. I just did not understand that. You know, even though, you know, we're looking at Lee's 20 plus. Remember that there was that school years there that we never, you know, he was relying on other people and things like that. So I didn't probably know him as well.

SPEAKER_00 13:40

Yeah, disconnect, right? It was disconnect from the development.

SPEAKER_01 13:44

I I wouldn't call it disconnect, that's just life, you know, it's just part of life and that happens, you know. Yeah. Still had connection at home and things like that. We still had the connection, but it wasn't as strong because I wasn't with him every yeah. Yeah, you know what I'm trying to say. We weren't together.

SPEAKER_00 14:02

But I think I think when I say disconnect, it's not from him, but it's from his learning and his development because the teachers had that going. Do you know what I mean? You were there, you were connected emotionally, you were connected socially, but you're like, well, he's learning, I'm not the teacher, the teachers are teaching him. And then when he came comes home into the home, then and now you've got him all the time, and you want him to become independent. You're like, oh my goodness, I've got to find out how do I teach him, how do I help him, how do I support him?

SPEAKER_01 14:38

Yeah, and true, you know, the teachers are teaching and everything. But also had to learn was this was part of Bradley finding his own identity.

SPEAKER_00 14:48

Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_01 14:50

This is part of Bradley's growth, and sometimes we have to go out there and we have to make those mistakes. We learn from those mistakes, that's how we learn. So it was also part of me identifying, yeah, the teachers have got him safe, and all this, but it was also interesting watching that that growth, his growth of him finding his own, him belonging, him with his peers, you know. It's just yeah, and yeah, he learned so much from his peers as well. So yeah, yeah, whole transition. Yeah, that's amazing.

SPEAKER_00 15:22

Finding his way, finding his own way.

SPEAKER_01 15:27

Yeah, understanding himself and knowing him. So yeah, really.

SPEAKER_00 15:31

Yeah. So when this transition of going into the home, and we talked about it last week that you started with supporting him with the activities of daily living at home with you, getting him ready. Like, how did you come up with a decision to buy a house for him? Like, did you look at other options? You know, did you think, oh, he should stay where you are and you guys go somewhere? Like, how did you come up that? Oh, we're gonna buy Brad a house and bought the house.

SPEAKER_01 16:09

Yeah, first we looked at NIS and what the ratio was to that. It was one to two, one to three sort of thing.

SPEAKER_00 16:19

And in a supported independent living.

SPEAKER_01 16:22

In a still house, in a still house, yeah, he'd be what one to two, one to three. And we've got this young man that's learning how to find his identity, find his way in the world, all those sort of challenges. And for Bradley putting him into a house like that where he it really, yeah, it just yeah, it probably wasn't suitable for Brad. And he spoke to professionals about that as well. That just wasn't a mum and dad decision, because now the beauty of also having all those other support people is the decisions don't rest solely on Tracy and I. Because we're now working with like there was five of us. So, yeah, so that that was the thing. So then Tracy got really excited because she loves looking at houses, so she was right onto it. I'm still trying to catch up, sort of like in my head. And we started we're just going to have a look, and

Choosing A Home Over Group Living

SPEAKER_01 17:25

I think it was the first or second one. Yeah, we put it off and we're buying a house. Here we go. So exciting, scary, all those emotions, all those emotions, and and it's not just we're buying a house. Now we have to have rosters, we have to have medication recording, we have to have procedures in the house, we have to have safety, you know. We have to. So we went in blind, we're like, oh yeah, we'll just buy them a house, and we're really thankful, and and that came to again, what can we do as well? We're really thankful for the NDIS. We just felt we could we're in that situation, not everyone is. I'm just speaking from our individual, this was our situation. We can take we can look after the the house, like Tracy I and Bradley, and we need NDIS just to provide those supports for him to live safely and all that sort of thing. So we took the responsibility of the house, and here we go. What a journey. Yeah, here we go, what a journey. Would you like me to carry on, Donna? Or you got another question?

SPEAKER_00 18:33

100%. I am listening. I'm on the edge of my seat here.

SPEAKER_01 18:39

Okay, so I roll in, I've got this, I can fix this, and to be honest, I got my bottom handed to me on a platter. For me personally, I was coming out of a world of being, as I like, I I like to call myself a I was a house husband, and I'm really proud of that. So I come out of this world of being a house husband for 22 years, and my people's schools weren't probably where they needed to be. So yeah, gosh, there's so much. Yeah. So the house, get the house. I can even remember the first night like Bradley was away from us with the carers. It's like, well, yeah, really, really tough. Yeah. So Tracy and I get to work, okay. We start to look, we need more carers because it's just gone from two or three carers a week living with mum and dad to now we have to provide a roster to look at people to care. And that was really interesting. We started up a roster, got that running, and then because Bradley moved into his home halfway through his plan, the plan was not actually set up for that. So then that became really challenging. You know, we're putting in all the things to NDOs and everything like that. And we went from, I think it was five or six people down carers, down to one because we ran out of money. So Tracy and I filled those spots for Bradley in his house, and we only had enough for one helper. I call them helpers because I asked Bradley, you know, who's this person? He said helper.

SPEAKER_02 20:23

So we're I love that.

SPEAKER_01 20:25

Yeah, it's

Rosters Funding And Early Setbacks

SPEAKER_01 20:26

the the helpers, you know, and we're down to one helper, and Tracy and I had taken back on that. Well, it felt to me like a 24-7 role. You know, so we went through the process, anyway, so it was great, and could see our situation, understood our situation and where the change, and allocated us some more money. So then we've got our one support. The supports that had left had found new jobs and things like that. So we're uh oh, okay. So we had a couple of people that stuck around, sort of thing, but had other employments, so when we got our funding, they could come back into the team as well. So, yeah, so we're down to one person, we get our funding, and then it's about rebuilding that team again. It was about rebuilding the team. We went even smaller, we're down to four people now, and that works really well from Brad. We found having too many helpers in a day was just too much for Brad. He just so many people coming in and coming out. But yeah, we we managed to get a roster um on our safety procedures into place, uh, which was really helpful for Tracy and I because we we provided that guidance on his safety, which was really, really important. Yeah, and here we go. So there was even a stage when Riley first moved into the house, we were Oh, he needs someone to libert him. Again, we didn't listen to Bradley, so we brought another person into the house, and that didn't work.

SPEAKER_00 22:10

That really like another peer.

SPEAKER_01 22:12

Yeah, we did. So Bradley had a roommate. But once Bradley wasn't ready for it, we weren't ready for it. It was just too much at that time. Looking back in hindsight, we would have done things differently, but there was that challenge as well. So yeah, but best decision Bradley's ever made for himself. Absolutely. So challenging, but so rewarding as well. That's yeah, that's yeah, I have so much respect for Bradley. I watched him come through so many challenges. And to me, I'm thinking oh, it would have been easier to stay at home and not have to do that. But he chose to be to have his own home. And I totally understand that too. I don't want to, I didn't want to live with mum and dad all the time, you know. No, no, and it's really exciting that he's choosing to do that. But again, that's with the support, you know, the DE and the DE actually became a behavior special practitioner as well. So he looks after us in in that sort of area as well, you know, speechy and things like that. But really, really rewarding. Really, it's really hard because you have those two emotions, you're so excited, but it was such a challenge. I would do things.

SPEAKER_00 23:31

Oh, yeah. Well, because it's like all new, it's all new.

SPEAKER_01 23:36

And I I've come out from being a house husband and I've walked out into this new world, you know. I I didn't even really have computer skills. I was like, wow, I I kind of felt like I'd been left back in time, you know. Like yeah, you know, the the way even people were talking, you know, like that younger generation, I'm like, well, what are they even talking about? But it was really, really scary. And that also brought some of my insecurities into my decisions that I thought were best for Brad.

unknown 24:08

You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 24:09

So even in the house, you know, it was wow, wow, there's you know, there's you had to become a manager, a people manager, and you know, it's uh it's a certain skill to manage a team. I know I've got staff, it's a certain skill to manage people because you've got to also manage yourself, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:32

And and with Bradley's budget, we we it's not a business because we don't want Bradley to be part of a business or anything like that. He's a person in the house, yeah, just like everyone else, you know. So yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:46

You're still managing, right? You're still managing the team for Brad.

SPEAKER_01 24:52

Um, I managed everything, and it was too much for me.

SPEAKER_00 24:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:59

Too much, yeah. I and it was really, really hard because I brought my insecurities into those decisions, you know what I mean? And and at this stage it wasn't really socially appropriate as well. I'll talk about that going down the track. I I I and I enjoyed everything managing, you know, phone calls coming, what's happening, yeah, just I was that, but it felt like I was admin, I was, you know. Coordinator, everything, full coordinator.

SPEAKER_00 25:40

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so I just want to ask, just for that practical sense, if someone's uh parents are listening now, and they would say, okay, so you've got a team. How was that team employed? Was Brad the employer, or how did that because obviously they they're coming out of NDS NDIS funding? Where you know, and a lot of the people come from agencies now. None of these people were agency people, they were all individuals, correct?

SPEAKER_01 26:15

We we were self-managed, we chose to be self-managed or later instead of being self-managed or later in.

SPEAKER_00 26:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:22

Yeah. Sorry, Dana, can you just repeat that question?

SPEAKER_00 26:26

Well, if they were individuals coming to to support Brad and they're not from an agency, but that they're you know, like it's Dana with her own Australian business number, ABN, how how did you employ them? Did you just bring them in, or did you have to have systems in place that were, you know, duty of care for your employees, or were they just contractors? Like how did that work back then?

SPEAKER_01 26:58

Okay. Well, number one rule is Bradley CEO. It's his plan. Not my plan, it's his plan. Um, we went for contractors. Okay. Again, a lot of word of mouth, and we'd had experience with a couple of them before for the budget sort of issue. So we knew they were coming back in. Really have to be cert three or above in disability. Have to have full CPR training and medical training, have

Hiring Contractors And Setting Standards

SPEAKER_01 27:35

to have medication administration because you're gonna do Bradley's tablets. We and and there's more, you know, there's the business insurance, the whole thing. So we asked for that of our contractors, but we use contractors to do as in self-contractors, what do they call them, Donna?

SPEAKER_00 27:54

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Self-um, self-managed contractors. So they've got, yeah, they're self-employed, right?

SPEAKER_01 28:00

Yeah, so that was easier for us, but we have very firm guidelines on what's yeah, the person's that were eligibility, what they need to have in order to win with. Because, you know, the team we got now, I feel like they make it look easy. That that there are challenges with Bradley, even to this day, and they can you know, if they go south, they're big challenges. So even just having a cert three, that basic understanding is really, really important because we did have one person who didn't have a cert three, and it was hard on that person, and it was hard on Bradley. So, you know, it's just not there. But yeah, we go subcontractors, Bradley chooses. So before if we're bringing someone new on, we we interview the person again, finding out credentials and all that sort of thing. If we do that, then we bring Bradley in. If there's you can feel the energy in the room if Bradley's warming on our, you know, just we're not looking for a real connection there and then. But it's the care factor as well for the person supporting Bradley. And I'm not looking for words, I'm just the feeling in the room, sort of thing.

SPEAKER_00 29:21

Yeah, I get that.

SPEAKER_01 29:23

And in the introduction to Bradley, if it goes past that, then shadow shifts. The person volunteers to shadow shift someone that's currently working with Bradley. That shows us commitment as well, and the willingness to be there and all that sort of thing, and the knowledge. And then when the person that's running the shadow shift with the new person says it's okay, I go and just have a quick feel sort of thing with my how it's feeling, and then then we work into where we can go from there, where does it work for you, where does it work for us, where when are you available? But there's a there's a whole process. We we done it the quick way, um it was really, really challenging in the end. So let's get it set from the start, and that makes Tracy and I feel better. And the decision is just not being made by Tracy and I, it's being made also by other people, so it takes that burden off, you know, and that sort of thing. But we we have high standards when it when it comes to working with Bradley, and to be honest, we don't make any apologies for that because personally we feel that's what's required, you know. Another thing for only the best, you know, and we understand that the best can fluctuate from day to day, but yeah, exactly. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:41

So how hard is it to find, or how easy is it to find people like that?

SPEAKER_01 30:49

Extremely hard.

SPEAKER_00 30:51

We're looking at you advertise, or how do you do it?

SPEAKER_01 30:55

We've done it by word of mouth to start with, and now we're about to advertise for Brad as well, like we're looking for another person. So we're just interested to see who's out there and what's out there as well, and just run that process. It's a very um specific job, I think. You know, it's not just walk in, Brad's living in his house, he knows what to do, and we're just making sure it's that there's a whole whole lot more to that, you know. There's the teachings of it that come with that as well. So, you know, really specific job and yeah, and just care the care factor, you know. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:37

So let's go to the feelings behind all of this transition. Obviously, there's pride and there's grief. I guess in those initial time uh days when you were tasking everything, did you have time to feel the feelings? And then when Brad got settled, did the feelings just pop out and you were like, oh no? Or how how did you manage that emotional transition?

SPEAKER_01 32:09

I didn't manage it. I was in survival mode. Yeah, I was really in survival mode. Yeah, I'll I'll talk about it more in the next episode, but I didn't see what was coming, and my um biggest challenge today, even bigger than my back and the knees thing, was my diagnosis of PTSD. Again, that's a that's a diagnosis that's not linked to the military. The military, I hurt my back in a physical training exercise, nothing to do with it either. But what it the PTSD was, was a bit of my humble beginnings, a bit of my army, a bit of my needs experience, and then it just got too much for me. I didn't understand I had PTSD until I started therapy.

SPEAKER_00 33:00

So it's like the trauma. The trauma just um uh accumulated over time.

SPEAKER_01 33:08

I think so. I think everyone's got a limit, and I probably just reached my and and you know that was that was a period where I had no filter straight from the brain, straight out the mouth, you know, and it was harsh, it was direct, even verbally abusive. So, yeah, but I'll talk about that and then how I coped in the chaos next week.

SPEAKER_00 33:28

Yeah, okay, great.

Survival Mode And PTSD Reality

SPEAKER_00 33:30

So uh Graeme, two more questions for you today. What have you learned about adulthood and identity through this whole experience of Brad moving into his own home? Yeah, I for young for young people like Brad.

SPEAKER_01 33:48

Yeah, really, really, really important. Everyone wants their own identity, and I guess Brad's identity was mum and dad and Bradley, but now his identity is his identity. How do I know its identity that he's been looking for? Because when we moved into the house, we gave well, we put some of our stuff that he'd brought with mum and dad into the house. And Brad developed this behavior, we called it the throwing out behavior. So anything that was related to Mum and Dad in his house was now being returned back to back to your house. Back to our house. He we we we thought it was a behavior, but all he was trying to say to us is I've got this, this is my house, this is the way I I want to live. And we totally respect that with Bradley. There were so many things that he showed, like him trying to find his identity and things like that, and the way he done it, yeah, we we listened definitely. Yeah, definitely.

SPEAKER_00 35:04

Yeah, so he's like, Mom and dad, your stuff doesn't belong here. It's very nice. Thank you very much for having it here, but it's going back to your house, which I would as well. I would do 100% the same thing.

SPEAKER_01 35:18

Even to the point when we'd roll up unexpected, like

Identity Boundaries And A Home Of His Own

SPEAKER_01 35:24

I kind of felt unwelcome there. Let's just put it that way. Do you know what I mean? Like, he's like looks at you and is like, what are you doing here? Like, yeah, and we have to respect that this is his house, and this is the way he's choosing to live. So, as I said previously, we just go on schedule days, which is you know, which is really, really cool too, because although I want to see him every day, I have to respect he's an individual, he's learning, living his life, and that's all I really wanted at the start was to be able to see that, you know.

SPEAKER_00 35:56

Yeah, and he's a young adult, he's a young adult, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 36:01

Even when mum and dad, oh, let's go with Bradley, you know, we go somewhere, you know. It's he does his time with others like, okay, back or go back to more life. And I just I think that's really, really cool. Really hard at the start, like, yeah, but really, really cool.

SPEAKER_00 36:15

Yeah, he's he's got his time limits, and he goes, bye mum, bye dad.

SPEAKER_01 36:20

Yeah, I'll give you your set time, that's it. Okay, and we're like, okay, because that's better than nothing.

SPEAKER_00 36:26

Yeah, so good, so good.

SPEAKER_01 36:28

See the transition child to adult, home to where he is now, you know, and again, he has so many challenges as well. But I'm choosing to highlight the positive parts about this because it even from where he was to where he is now, it's just such a massive thing, you know. Um yeah, he just wants to learn more and more. And the great thing, as well, was mum and dad were safe to Bradley, where now the house is safe is Bradley's safety. Well, Bradley's his own safety, and then his house is his safety as well. So his career his house is also his safety zone as well when he needs that time out or everything. Whereas before it was mum and dad, you know, mum and dad made him feel safe, and yeah, to a certain degree. So his house and well, firstly himself, he made himself feel safe, and his house picked that up as well, made him feel, yeah, his face.

SPEAKER_00 37:28

Love that. So, Graeme, and lastly, what would you say to families thinking about future living options for their children?

SPEAKER_01 37:41

Just be curious. Be curious as to what's out there, explore all options, you know, and and involve your child in that as well. Because while you're exploring options, you know, I was looking at Brad, watching him house he feels sort of like, and all those sort of things. So he was telling me things as well. So just be curious, you know. We've chosen not to be well, up to now, we hope we continue to lead in DIS. We've just gotten that model that Bradley's got a house, he's renting a house, and he just wants to live like everyone else, you know. He just needs that those support hours to make sure he's safe, and these therapy hours to help continue the growth because now the the DE has gone in and is working with Bradley in his house. So, you know, although I'd like to stand there and teach Bradley everything. Bradley doesn't require that. You know, he wants to learn from tears and the the DE and everything like that. And I really respect that because I guess it's the first time that I felt like I've had my my my you know must my own time sort of thing. It's I I felt I said earlier I was a PA to a rock star, personal assistant to a rock star. With the NDIS and the support teams and everything like that. For the you know, it's one of the yeah, first time I guess I can say that I just feel like dad. I just feel like Bradley's dad. I don't want to be anything else, I just want to be Bradley's dad. So setting the team

Future Living Options And Being Just Dad

SPEAKER_01 39:23

up, the house, it was massive work, massive, you know. But it it gave me what I needed to. It gave me that I can be just dad, so now I can work on myself and Bradley and his house is a is a part of me, not all of me.

SPEAKER_00 39:43

Yeah, I love that.

SPEAKER_02 39:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:46

So yeah, that's it's been a journey, Graham, to get there. And you know what, Dana?

SPEAKER_01 39:54

Yeah, a really, really tough journey. But really, really rewarding as well when you watch those development stages or something, you'll try and, you know, it's it finally comes off and it happens, and and then into the house and everything like that, you know, it's just I didn't want Bradley to be alone. I remember saying that in the first episode, and I know when my time comes, then Bradley won't be alone because he has that support community.

SPEAKER_02 40:30

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 40:31

So that and that's all I really wanted. I just want to know he's gonna be okay. And I really believe that.

SPEAKER_00 40:39

Love that. Uh, thank you so much, Graeme, again, for opening your heart today and talking us through that huge transition journey for your family. I think today's episode reminds us that independence is not about abandoning support, but it's about building safety, dignity, identity, and meaningful lives for people, for our kids over time. And next week we're going to talk about moving through chaos, change, identity shift, and the transition then from that full-time career into a new state of life, as you say, that all you want to be is a dad and a fun, a dad, and a business on a dad. So thank you, Gwen and Simon, for joining me today.

SPEAKER_01 41:32

Thank you, Dana. Thank you, everyone.

SPEAKER_00 41:34

And thank you for listening to the Empower Pair podcast. If you liked this episode, please subscribe and share with others. We're hoping that it will be helpful to other families, parents kind of given it that might be experiencing something similar. And I look forward to speaking with you next week. Bye for now.