ALL4ONE: A FATHER'S STORY: Episode 5: You Can Love Deeply Without Burning Out

Watching your child step into independence can be the proudest moment and the most unsettling one. Graham Clark joins us to speak honestly about what happened when his son Bradley, an autistic young adult, moved into his own home and Graham’s full-time carer role began to change. What do you do when the routines that once held you together disappear, and the question “Who am I now?” will not go away? 

We talk about carer identity and why so many parents lose themselves in survival mode. Graham shares what burnout looked like for him, how carrying every decision became a “burden”, and why building a team around your loved one can protect your mental health. He also opens up about the darker stretch of uncertainty and grief that followed the transition, the isolation of having no support network for himself, and receiving a PTSD diagnosis in 2023. Therapy becomes a turning point, not as a quick fix but as the steady maintenance that helps him notice early warning signs and respond with care. 

You will also hear practical guidance on disability support in Australia and the NDIS space: finding the right support workers, relying on word of mouth, letting an established team mentor new staff, and taking safety seriously with checks and qualifications like Certificate III and NDIS screening. We finish with a grounded reminder that asking for help can start with one call to a helpline, your GP, or services like Beyond Blue and Carer Gateway. If this resonates, subscribe to the Empowered Parent podcast, share the episode with a fellow carer, and leave a review so more families can find it.

danabaltutis.com,  mytherapyhouse.com.au, https://mytherapyhouse.com.au/your-childs-therapy-journey/ https://www.danabaltutis.com/services

Transcript

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Hi everyone, and welcome back to the Empowered Parent podcast. We have episode five of a father's story with Graham Clark. So today we're going to continue the story of a father, a dad moving through change, uncertainty, extortion, and growth. And for many carers, identity becomes deeply connected to caring. And when they're not caring, they don't know who they are. So what does happen when life begins to shift and your role changes? Today we're going to explore the chaos, the emotional adjustments, the challenges and the successes, and the trans. Sorry, the transition. Here I am as a page pathologist having difficulty with my words. And the transition from full-time carer to dad of an adult son and business owner. So welcome back, Graham, and let's get right into it. So Griam, let's talk about your identity shift. And how did your identity

Welcome And The Identity Shift

1:18

shift over the years? Because Bradley is now in his early 20s. So how did your identity shift over those years to now? I feel like in the early years I sort of lost my identity and that sort of continued. But after the transition from home into his house, I feel like I'm starting to slowly find my identity again. So I just lost my identity. I just, and I that's on me, that was on no one else. That wasn't on the situation, it's on me. I just put everything into that caring role for Brad. And I lost my identity for a long, long time. And through things I'm doing now, I'm just starting to find that identity again and um find me who I am. So I lost that as well. So yeah, it was a big shift. I guess some people listening would think, oh, but my identity is a carer, especially of children that are still young or in primary school, and I am the parent, I am the mum, I am the dad, that's who I am. I've

When Caring Becomes Your Whole Self

2:27

got to park whatever I want to decide, otherwise I'm selfish for thinking about me above my kids. What would you say to that? What is your initial reaction to that? Yeah, I totally understand that. And I've seen that caring role as me. But what I've learned is that caring role is a part of me. It's not all of me. So that's what I've learned. You know, that's a part of me. And whereas before it was all of me, I was just consumed by it. And and that's not that's just over loving or those sort of things, you know. It wasn't, yeah, it was, yeah, I understand now that that's actually a part of me. That's a part of my identity, it's not my identity. I love that, you know, that's all of me, part of me. If you do take on the caring role as all of you, even sometimes 150% of you, do you risk having burnout? Um, 100%. That was one of my biggest challenges was I took on a lot, just trying to be that loving, caring dad. And I paid the price for that. So um I've learned that it's better to have a team to do that than you don't wear that burden. Like I said before, I used to wear the burden of making decisions for Bradley or guiding the whatever decisions for Bradley, and then if it didn't quite go well or something like that, Bradley, you know, I felt guilty because Bradley, you know, had to deal with that. Whereas with having the team, the team decide. So it's not on the individual. You know, the team decides whether that's best instead of my dad just going, yes, okay, yeah, and then it going bad or whatever. So yeah, that having a team really helped take that burden off, but that burden was really heavy and it really hurt when something didn't quite go overall that you'd done, or you

Burnout, Burden And The Team Approach

4:30

know, and it affected Bradley and things like that. So yeah. So for you basically, it was like you felt responsible for absolutely everything. Totally dad, I'm dad. And I just put that on, you know. That's just I'm dad, you know, I want the best for my son and everything like that. So yeah, I took that burden on, but it wasn't what I've learned is it wasn't my burden to take on, it's a burden that needs to be shared. And even like maybe, you know, changing that from burden to responsibility, right? So when we talk about burden, we know when we use that word, we are in burnout, right? Because burnout is burden. Probably comes from that burr burden. And but when it's responsibility, we know that it's more of a we're coming from a healthier mindset. My mindset today is not burden, it's you know that was a challenge. Yes. And and it's just a challenge now, whereas it was a burden at that time. And burnout was really, really real, you know, and it's I only realized in the last, I don't know, five, six years what burnout was. I didn't really understand before then. And you know, I could see what I was doing, and by around about August, September, October, I was burnt out. You know, and then I'm just in survival mode, or just and that's just from everyday sort of things. It's nothing really demanding. What did burnout look like for you? Oh gosh. I yeah, what it looked like. It was just fatigue. I was just not tired as in a need to sleep, but I just felt so tired, so drained. Simple things become really challenging. Just yeah, it was I I it felt like I I wanted when I was in burnout stage, I wanted the demands to stop, sort of thing. You know, I just want to have that space and try to get out the other side of that burnout. But yeah, yeah. I found burnout very real, and it's even the people that work with Bradley, you know, we look for that as well. Because I probably would like to go and like, you know, do a manual job all day then, because this job is so demanding, like mentally, you know, it's it's really, really tiring. It really is. So that was a real big challenge. But yeah, and again, you know, yeah. I wanted to do things, I had ego on dad and all that sort of thing. And I just I guess therapy taught me don't bring ego to the to the therapy and things like that and to the situation as well. But I only ever try to do my best, and yeah, that's that's yeah, that's all you can ask. Yeah, and that's right. I love that too. Like you can only do your best, and you only know what you know in that moment, and you did your best in that moment, you know, and then that's where we go and get help to sort of start seeing a different perspective and seeing ourselves from a different angle, right? Totally, totally. Yeah, we'll we'll rediscover. Well, I had to reconnect feelings and emotions, and I had to rediscover my identity and who I was, you know, like yeah. And it was kind of strange because Brad had to do the same when he moved out because we'd been he had to find his identity, and but he was much better at it than what I was, which is really, really cool. So it's almost like the family, you know, Tracy, you, Brad, you all had been enmeshed as one identity, and then all three of you needed to work that out. So was it difficult to step back for you from being that full-time carer when Brad moved into his home? And was it difficult to let go? Yes, yeah, 100%. That was, yeah, well, for me, yeah, for me personally, I lost my identity. I lost, you know, because I used to get up every morning and watch Brad or help Brad or whatever, but then all of a sudden you wake up one morning and Brad's not there. Brad's in his own home, and then the stress of, oh, I hope everything's all right, you know, probably at that stage we weren't believing in the staff as well because of our insecurities, I guess. Like this is, you know, and then you put expectations on as well, you know, we'd like it to be here, and those expectations aren't fair on people and things like that. So yeah, definitely. It's very hard. It it's really strange with this sort of when I talk about it because I have really excited feelings, but then I have, oh, you know, ooh, ooh. There it always seems to be that that underlying care concern or feeling of, you know, anxiety with it as well. So it was really

Letting Go As Your Child Moves Out

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cool to watch him move in and grow in his own home, but it was really hard to let go. You know, and I guess from my point of view, I probably should have believed in Bradley more. You know, we just started to listen to him then, and I probably wish I'd listened to him more. I'd heard his voice. I think that's really, really cool. But yeah, very hard to do, but very rewarding in when you see your son grow. And and what made it easier was setting up the team around Bradley as well. Like, really, really important because I can go and teach Bradley everything, but the problem is Bradley doesn't want that. He doesn't want dad teaching him. He wants to learn from peers and other people and things like that. We've had our time together, you know, and that sort of thing. So having, I guess I felt really safe when we had that team established, and yeah, everything was working, it's working really, really well in that way. So a team was a big answer. But that takes time to set up as well. Yeah. Yeah, and we'll get back to that in a minute. So I just want to stay with that transition period. And did you feel like a grief of oh no, now I've got to face myself because you were always with Brad, and then all of a sudden you're with yourself. And was there uncertainty during that transition? Like, what am I gonna do? How am I gonna do it? Who am I? How am I gonna fill my days? Yeah, yeah, there was a lot of uncertainty. The whole schedule changed, sort of thing, and I didn't know what else was out there as well. Do you know what I mean? In you know, I was pretty confined to the house, but a lot of uncertainty, a lot of uncertainty for me. Um, a lot of grief as well, sort of like your son leaving home. There was I didn't realise at the time that this was grief, but things um once the team was set, and I don't know, there was that certainty with Brad, it kind of came back onto me, and I basically fell in a hole. I fell in a big black hole. So, yeah, so it went, yeah, just the uncertainty, the unpredictability. I didn't know who I was. My mental health just

Grief, Uncertainty And Facing Yourself

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struggled, so yeah. I mean, how bad for me or how challenging for me. Um I remember listening to one song for 15 hours and 34 minutes in one day. So the same song over and over. Repeated, and it had to be full bore. It had to be as loud as could be. And yeah. And I think, yeah, I yeah, it was yeah, it got pretty dark for me, pretty dark. Yeah. So really, it was like this transition. You really didn't have the right supports for yourself in place before the transition because you were thinking about how bright's gonna go in the transition. And I guess when we're talking about carers, carers need to start thinking about how are they gonna do in the transition and get help for themselves before the transition, just like we support our the people we care for, right, through transitions. We need to support ourselves. Totally. This is a really interesting thing. I had a support network set up for Bradley, but I had nothing for myself. So when those dark days came, it was like unpredictable and all those sort of things, and I really had no one to turn to. And you know, I could have turned to Tracy, but I didn't understand what was going on. You know, I just I just didn't like yeah, demands were just way too much for me. So yeah, it it in the end the diagnosis was PTSD, and that happened to me in 2023, and I've been working hard ever since to um help manage that. So yeah, so yeah, very, very challenging. It was really strange because it was like I link it with like when Bradley was born and then the diagnosis of autism, and I didn't know there, and the world was unpredictable. When I had the mental health diagnosis, I didn't understand. I wasn't, you know, and it was the same uncertain world, but this one was harder because with Bradley, you know, I could say to Tracy, okay, can you look after Bradley for a minute, you know, or an hour or to get that break, and I could rely on Tracy. Whereas this one, the only person that could heal repair this was me. And this one's all on me. And yeah, I yeah, I yeah, what a challenge. What a challenge. Um yeah, I'm in this world that I just yeah, it's just too challenging for me, headphones on, music going, and then thinking about the marriage as well, you know, still being the husband and everything like that. But really, I couldn't really care for myself. All I wanted to do was just sit there and listen to that music, you know. I couldn't, I just yeah, and it was really hard because I didn't understand what had gone on. You know, like I just

PTSD, Isolation And Starting Therapy

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woke up one morning and I'm I'm just done. It's like all I really wanted was the music, which then helped me with Bradley as well, because he wears headphones as well. And one day we're sitting there in the lounge room, I'm wearing my headphones, Bradley's wearing his, and I looked up and I thought, and now I know why you wear the headphones. So yeah, you know what I mean? So yeah, you understood his world. I yeah, and and that's something I'm really like, you know, I'd done a lot for everyone else, and well, for Bradley and the support, and I chose to do that. That support network, but there's no one for me. But then when it went back into like my age bracket as well, not a lot of people understand mental health. So, and and that's what led me to therapy, you know. I was in a really bad stage by the time I got to therapy. But the therapist then was part of my support team. You know, so there's my first person for the support team, and then as I got better with my own therapy, you know, it was time to go to couples therapy, and then there's another support member for the team, you know, and then I just had a couple of other people as well. It's very hard to do it on your own when you don't understand what's going on. And also, it's it's also it's very hard when you have deflected or redirected, let's say, redirected the care for yourself onto another person for that many years, 20 years. So your neurology, your nervous system is used to doing that, and all of a sudden you're left with yourself. And people do not even know how to care for themselves. People don't even think they deserve to pay money for therapy for themselves. I know parents often think, I'm gonna pay for a therapist for my child, but I want we don't have enough money, I'm not gonna pay for a therapist for me. And I would say to parents put the oxygen mask on yourself first, and then your child, spend the money on yourself first, because when you're well, whether it's physically, emotionally, spiritually, socially, then your child will be well. And your child won't need all that therapy. I I I felt I felt selfish. You know, I really felt selfish when I've done something for myself. I don't know why. I just, I don't know, I just felt selfish. But now I've learned I'm not selfish. You know, that's something I need, you know, I need that therapy. You know, and people say, like again with a therapist, you know, I said people say, oh, therapy should end or anything like that. But here's what I say if you buy a new car, you service it for three years, and then stop servicing it, well, you know, what's the consequence of that? So if I have therapy and then get to a sort of good situation, and life's still changing, and then I stop doing that sort of maintenance sort of stuff, what's gonna happen? It's like the car, well, the consequences of the car you're gonna lose your warranty. Or with me, I'm gonna run that risk of I'm not really sure what's gonna happen, you know. I've I've got tools go into burnout again because it's a slippery slope. Oh, totally, yeah. And it's for all of us. For all of us, yeah, it probably wouldn't be burnout for me, but probably depressing depression for me, I think. I'd end up in that state again for that therapy, because like I said, with Bradley, things change. So what was happening with the D here is different to what's happening over in his house, you know. We're teaching him personal space because when he greets people, he gets too close and it's inappropriate. So the D is working on that. With me, it's the same, you know, things are changing, you know, finding my identity and you know, I need help with that. It's still nice to talk to a therapist, you know, and and just talk about that, you know. It's just someone that's independent of your situation, non-judgmental, you know, and yeah, I just find that really, really reassuring, sort of, yeah. I need that therapy. And it's not, yeah. I believe that it's over therapy or I, you know, so people can have too much therapy because then you start to rely on the therapist, where the therapist is part of the team, not you know, that sort of thing. So and I think like with everything, I'm a firm believer of mental health support. And, you know, in whichever way that's gonna be, it could be therapy. And, you know, I've I've I've been seeing Sykes and all sorts of mental health professionals to support myself. But also, you know, when we start our own businesses, which we're gonna talk about next week, you know, the consultants and the coaches come into play there, you know, because again, every one of us needs an external team, like you said. So tell me about, let's talk about this team of Brad Lee's. How long did it take for you to stabilize a team around him? And how hard was it finding the right people for you guys for Brad? Oh god, so many challenges there, don't I? Yeah, yes. It takes a while. Yeah, that's not a really straightforward question. Yeah, it takes a while. A lot of the like three members of the team probably been working three years plus with Bradley. So, yeah, it took a while, and to find the right people is really challenging, I guess. Like yeah, to suit Bradley's needs and the understanding and everything like that. But that that's really, really hard. A lot of word of mouth as well. Yeah. I think is is the best way because if one pattern's telling you with that you kind of trust that a bit more, do you know what I mean? So Yes. Yes, no, there's always that not so scared thing, but to have a new new team member come in and work for Bradley, like it was really daunting at the start. But now with the established team, if someone new comes on, the team supporting the new person, not me, you know.

Hiring The Right Support Workers

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Like I just sit back, people tell me stories about Bradley, I laugh like he's doing that, that sort of thing, you know. Like when he was younger, we tried this and this is what we've done, and just give them that sort of information. But then I want them to take that and fit that into their style of caring. Don't be don't be me, be yourself, but you know, is there anything you can take from that that you can add to that sort of style? So yeah. But really teams are really, really important, as I said before, you know. Lighten my load, definitely, with the responsibilities and things like that. And it's really nice to have multiple inputs on a decision and things like that. So, yeah, but really, really important, but challenging as well in finding the right people to meet that team. So, yeah. And probably, you know. If someone's thinking about how do I get a team for my loved one, what do I do? They probably could work with a support coordinator to start, or they could, like you say, word of mouth. Sometimes at school, you know, at the in those later years, people have got word of mouth and oh, he's really great or she's really great. And to give people a go, but also be really wary. People need their their or their police checks. People need, you know, if you can get someone that's certified in like a certificate three in disability or support worker or or something like that, that would be your recommendation, Graham? Oh, totally. There's so many things that, you know, that we check, uh, you know, business insurance. Have you got business car car insurance, you know, and things like that. Um, NDIS screening check. And, you know, and if people have all this, it's not an issue. Do you know what I mean? That they're just, oh yeah, that's the way it goes, but definitely all the safety checks and things like that. You would must know. So I take that really, really seriously, and you want to know that you're you're you're qualified to do it with all your health and safety and that as well. And and you know, I like we we check in with people as well in their mindset as well, are you okay today and just those sort of things as well. So it's not all give and take like we we ask a lot, but we support a lot too. So yeah, it's yeah, there's so many checks that we ask for, but we find it's necessary. If you're given value medication, well you need to have a medical administration certificate so you can administer that that medication. And that gives the parent safety. No, well, you've been trained, you've been trained, you've been trained. Everyone has to have a cert three because we feel like you know, there's challenging times with Bradley, but that gives you that basic understanding, and that's all we need. Once you've got the basic understanding, then we can build on that, you know, and then yeah, build up further. Team leader, he's cert four qualified. All the checks again, yeah, but yeah, and so but everyone has to be cert three qualified. That's that's really, really important, just for that basic understanding. As I say, you wouldn't let a forklift driver jump on and just drive a forklift. You'd train that forklift driver. So same here. You would I just feel like it's better that you've had some understanding before. A hundred percent, a hundred percent. And now with all the NDIS changes happening, and we don't know what's happening with the registrations and what areas, but there's definitely some shifts coming, and I think they're going to be looking, they're going to be scrutinizing more about what checks people have and what qualifications people have to care for very vulnerable, very vulnerable people because Brad is vulnerable. Totally, 100%. And you know, I I believe in all those checks. You know, I think this is a good thing. I think we need transparency, we need to have all this in place. It just yeah, it makes it easier on parents to, if that's a standard qualification around the board, then we don't have to go asking for it, it's already there, sort of. I love that. I love that. So you did mention, you know, you can have a laugh, you can sit back, you can visit Brad. How did your relationship with Brad change as he became now an independent adult living in his own home? How did your relationship change with him? It was, yeah. We respect each other a lot. Yeah, I think our respect for each other grew. And I think that came with the change of listening to him, you know, listening to what he needs. And uh yeah, our relationship. It's kind of stronger, which is really when we do have that time together, it's really special time, you know. Friday night as a family with Trace and like Bradley and myself here, it's like old times, you know. So it's yeah, nice Friday night dinners. Yeah. Really, really special, you know, and we sleep over once a night at his house lights. It's just yeah, it's really, really cool. It it is, it's really nice. It's as I said, adult, um, child to adult, and see the adult in him, you know. But yeah, he's really good though, because he walked past me and he'll go, I love you. Oh, I'm melted because I've waited to hear that for

Respect, Core Values And Self Leadership

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so long. Yeah. And then the next sentence is Dad make coffee. Oh, okay, mate. So he softened me up with a whole lot of things. And and the other thing is it's like it's nice when he comes to your place and he gets spoiled a bit, and you know, vice versa. Because I used to love going to my parents, and mum would bake a cake and go, you know, look what I made you for your dinner, and I used to love that. With the same tracy still bakes on a sad day, these little cakes and things like that for him to take over. But it's just that's really special time, and everyone really respects everyone in that space, and we lump in together as well. So yeah. And and I love that, you know, he respects you and and you respect him, but I think you can only respect another person as much as you respect yourself. 100%. Everything starts. Well, for me, in my experience, everything started with me. Like, yeah, yeah, I didn't didn't respect myself. I didn't, I just I guess I just, yeah, I didn't respect I had no self, no self-leadership. Feelings and emotions were gone, disconnected. It was easier to disconnect from my feelings and emotions and squash it than to do with it because I'd been over so many years, so many feelings and emotions, and it just kept coming. But yeah, I yeah, self and self-leadership for me. And then if I show that, then every encounter for me is going to be a positive one to a degree because I'm bringing my best self to that theme. Whereas before I yeah, I didn't even I remember sitting in this because I've done a course, a DBT course, and I remember sitting in the course, and it's like they said about values, like in the course, and I'm like, values, you know, like, oh, I value my car, I value, you know, the things out there and everything like that. And I'm like, it just confused me. I'm like, oh, to the coordinate, I don't I don't understand this values, you know. Is that like, you know, I value the chickens, I value, and she said, no, your values. And I'm like, I don't even know my values. What do you mean by values? And then she said, your core values, you know, what are your core values? And that's when I reconnected with my core values, you know, in that moment. I'm like, oh, okay. And that's trust, honesty, respect, and inclusion. They're my four core values. So I I lost, yeah, I was just so confused in that world, like when it came to feelings and emotions, and you know, I'd I've lived with that, I've got this, I'll be right, here we go. But in that process, I didn't consider other people and other people's feelings, and that you know, I was just probably focused on the result and yeah, and just here we go. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah, go on. Therapy was really important, right? For you. Yeah, so therapy for me, this is what therapy taught me. So I remember the still still wool analogy, had the first one, I'm looking through this the weave of the still wool and it's a little bit smoky. And then I had the the next one which was dark and I couldn't see through it. Well, what therapy taught me is there's one in the middle. And okay, it's a little bit smoky and it's a little bit thingy, it's a bit darker than the first one, but now I need to identify that I need to do something for myself to help me get out of that. You know, this is a sign now. It's it taught me that yeah, when I see this sort of haze and that sort of thing, then I need to pause and do what I need to do, whether it be lie down or just sit outside or things like that. So I put so everything used to be a bad day. So now it's a challenging event in a good day because it goes, yeah. And maybe it's not even steel wool, in the end. Maybe it's a nice soft sponge with lots of really big holes that you can see the gorgeous sky up the top and the sun coming through. Yeah, that sounds wonderful, Dunan. Steel wool. And that's right, and all analogies are very subjective and very personal, right? Well, tiny, yeah. I I got taught another analogy, give. Use gentle words, be interested in the other person and validate and show empathy. And that's what I use when I go into situations now. Yeah, your acronym, yeah. I used to be judging people, which I didn't like being judged myself, but I was, but now it's not, you know, and being interested in what someone's telling you, they may be telling you about the dog, but that's interesting to that person. That's important. So, you know, I can take the time to listen to that. That's fine. I love that. I love that. So lots of you know, families that might be listening, they might feel that they are struggling in their relationship with their partner. How did you and Tracy fare over the years together? And how did you come out strong together through all of that? Like what what kept you going? What kept you working on your partnership, your marriage, your togetherness? Yeah, that's that's a big one. Like, yeah, after 30 years of marriage, I feel this is just my view on it, um how I feel. I feel like we put so much into Bradley that we kind of could have put more into the relationship. I feel like yeah, we were so into Bradley that we kind of could have done better in the in the relationship. It was yeah, for me, and then the mental health that really took a toll in the marriage, I guess. It's just

Couples Therapy And Reconnecting

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yeah, so okay. So I worked on myself with my individual therapy, and when I felt the time was right, I it's it's time to go to couples counselling, and I asked Tracy, would you like to do it? And we're in agreement there. And then Yeah, so then we started couples therapy. Sorry, Don, I lost my train of thought. Yeah, so we started couples therapy and we'd done this assessment at the start of it. And we only had out of 20 strengths, we only had two. So yeah. But we still loved each other. I guess me closing off my feelings and emotions really put strain on that that as well. So it was off to couples therapy. Boy, I got my butt kicked there a couple of times in the most gentlest way. That if you're ever gonna get your butt kicked, have it done in there, yeah. And then I I learnt leave my ego at the door before therapy. You know, there were challenges on both sides, I could not talk about my side, so the thing. We've we've been in therapy now for 12, 13 months, and we resat that test at the start, and we got 17 out of 20. So Wow, that's incredible! Yeah, so it was really, really proud, really, really cool. But yeah, it's yeah, I've that connection again is really, really special. Always wanted it, but my challenges, I guess, put a strain on that relationship as well. So, but now we have it again. We still have challenges, you know. We're just like any other couple, that's life, you know. But it's the way you come back from those challenges and how bad those challenges are, and you know, but yeah, I think yeah, in some of those challenges, the first thing I had to learn was to listen and be interested, not be dismissive what I'm hearing and things like that. So a lot of work on myself. I'm really proud of that. Took uh, you know, it's been three years so far, and yeah, I can, yeah. Wow, at the start. Wow, I love that. I mean, I can just see like light and brightness and expansion there, which is wonderful. And here's the thing for me, don't I? I remember saying at the start in the episode, I wish I'd found balance between my needs, relationship needs, and Brad's needs. And I feel like with the therapy, I have that now. I have yeah, I have the harmony, the balance between my needs, relationship needs, and Brad's needs. Whereas before, where I didn't even look at my needs before, but it really, really important for me because I know if I do that work, I'm gonna be a better person for myself, which is why I'm doing it. But I'll also be a better person for those people around me, you know, and that's just it. And you know, even for Brad, I'm a better person now than what I was in those, in those dark days. It was just so horrible. I just didn't want to, yeah. But no, and it's hard when you're in the dark, it's very hard to see any light and to see anything, really. And that's where you definitely need people need to go out and get the right help. And if they're not changing, I've seen people in therapy many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many years, and they're still at the same place. Maybe try and change the therapist. Yeah, just start the conversation with someone, you know, just start that conversation. You know, that that that's that's the first that that's what I found. It was like because I had a period where it took like about six weeks before I could see the therapist. And I couldn't even start the conversation. I wish if I'd had someone to start that conversation, just for someone, you know, to hear me, to hear my voice. But yeah, but then I was I was so confused, I didn't know what my voice was at that time either. So it was like just a really, really, really challenging time. And the most proud of it, it was on me. I had to I had to do that. That's the only person that could do that. And you know, I still got more growth and I believe I'll be growing for the rest of my life. I enjoy learning, and I think there's so much more to learn, but that is really rewarding for me. That's what I want, sort of thing. So yeah, but yeah, really, really when I look back into like the early days, you know, there was no filter, it was straight out, you know, and then I I'll see the way I do it now, like two different chalk and cheese. But yeah, I feel really feel sorry for the people that I dealt with back in those early days because yeah, it was harsh. It was a really wrong. And you know, we do what we can with what we've got in that moment, and that's it, and then we move on. And, you know, the people that love you and understand you and are your real friends, they travel the journey with you and they understand, you know, people understand they're a mental health, it's like a physical health issue, you know, and people are just in a inner space and everything is temporary given the help that is available. And just going back to, you know, if someone's listening right now and you're thinking, oh, I don't know where to start, I think it is important and you've got no one to talk to. I think it is important that you pick up, you know, parent helpline or beyond blue or carers gateway is another one that is really important because just making that one call can really help talking to your GP. And if your GP does not do mental health, please go and see another GP because mental health is definitely on the agenda. Mental health is even on the agenda legally in the workplace, because now there are psychosocial laws that support employees in the workplace. So it's definitely much more known now in the world. So if you think that, oh gosh, I don't know where to go and who to turn to, definitely think about some of those support networks. And here's the thing for me, like, so I was isolated by myself. But as soon as a call or made a call or had the therapist, I wasn't alone anymore. You know, I didn't feel alone anymore in that situation that I didn't, I don't under well didn't

Helplines, GPs And Asking For Help

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understand at that time, you know, like like needs a reminder of needs, I didn't understand needs, and then I bought into mental health. And we back in the day, it wasn't, you know, you can get on with it, here we go. You know, that's just in life general. And yeah, to actually, well, again, as I say, I used to think physical fitness was the most important. But I've learned that mental health and my mindset is more important than that because if I don't have that mental health, I can't exercise. So, you know, mental health is one of my important yeah things to myself, you know. And just all basic things for me. You know, I don't look to do things and just identifying when I feel that anxiety and what I'm you know, what do I need to do, you know, pause, stop and and think, you know, pause, stop, rethink, you know, or depending on it. And yeah. But for me it was identifying those challenges when they happened, you know, when the anxiety, I guess I felt the anxiety, I didn't know how to manage that. So I just it was an outburst. It was yeah, totally inappropriate. But yeah, I'm apologize to all my people with that, but you know, I'm gonna yeah, you know, you gotta own that. That that's the first thing I learned. And it's just life, you know, like uh we do grow, we do change, and you know, as we learn more about ourselves, we develop and we become the better version of ourselves. Yeah, there's no wrong or right, we're just doing our best. And that's another thing, you know, that's another thing I learned. There's no take wrong and right out about, and people have different perspectives, you know, and that's cool. That's cool. There's nothing wrong with that. But take the wrong one, oh, this is wrong, this is right. Well, no, that's you know, everyone's just doing their best. So 100%, 100%. So, Graham, that's been incredible. Your turnaround and your opening up and you know, being vulnerable and you know, talking about all these inner emotions, you know, I think it's it's very helpful for people that are listening. So thank you for sharing. But I'd like to ask one more question before we round up today. So, what advice would you give to carers moving through major life transitions with their loved one, like with the person they're caring for? Yeah, I can only talk from my personal experience. I wish I'd had a therapist before. Because if I'd had that therapist, then I feel like when all this change started happening and unpredictability and things like that started to happen, I would have been a better person in that space. I could have been a better person in that space. You know, I could have done things better. So that's you know, I just I guess that person in my corner sort of thing, you know, where as I'm going in, you know, mental health and then the change in Bradley, the unpredictability, it's way, way too much for one person. So set up the support network around you. So for me, it's my therapist, for me it's my wife, you know. It's even Bradley's part of my support network. If I'm having a challenge today, I'll go over to see him. So much respect. He makes me feel good, you know, and like things like that. Just real simple. You need I

Advice For Big Life Transitions

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honestly thought and believed I could do this myself, and I've got this, you know, and yeah, I got yeah, I got shown in different ways for her. Yeah. But you know, again, the no wrong and right, I was just only trying to do my best. But, you know, yeah, therapy in those days wasn't a big thing either, you know. Like when I was growing up and that sort of thing, you know, it was sort of like mental illness. But I wish I'd had some sort of support network in there. And no wrong and right and be kind to yourself, you know. We're only trying to do the best. It's that simple. We're doing the best for our person, and that's all we can ask. You know, so and I think it's never too early to start therapy when you're caring for a loved one, because I know I've done some things, I've cared for someone, and I went to Carer's Gateway, which was really helpful for me. But I think that, and I've seen a psychologist, like I said, and and you know, all sorts of things. And even though you might think I don't have anything to talk about with a therapist today, you get there and then you go, oh, I didn't know this was buried down deep. Right. So, and then I go, Oh, these are these are things that came up. I didn't realise that because sometimes things aren't in our subconscious, in our blind spot, and when they're our state of mind isn't aware of our conscious mind isn't aware of what we're holding inside, that's how our behaviours form, right, through our unconscious mind. So it's more about us really talking to someone to bring up those feelings and thoughts and you know, beliefs, and sometimes they're limiting beliefs. And how do we really, you know, start working with those and making them more conscious and then seeing uh seeing our behavior in a different way, like you said. Totally, totally. And it's really interesting because I didn't see all this stuff, you know what I mean? And people are telling me, I just did not see it. I thought the world's going great, and I got it going, but everything for me was imploding. And I mean, everything really imploded until it got like there was nothing else left for me to implode on. That's when I hit the bottom. It's like, well, but then now I'm looking back. Yeah, but just start the conversation that uh it's all like step. I mean, I I remember my first therapy session. I'm like, oh, what am I gonna talk about? You know, what was you know, you know, I'm like what's the problem? Yeah, I'm not a real believer. What's the issue? And then I started and then it just wow, it all came out at once in one session, you know. And I'm like, oh, now I know what I'm here, you know what I mean? Oh, I know. And and also to stay with it, right? Because it's not comfortable sometimes. And you think you're going backwards, but you're not, you're going forwards, but you've got to deal with some of the things that are coming up, and a good therapist will be able to support you through it. Totally, 100%. Yeah, I yeah, I really enjoy my therapy sessions. I get so much out of it and the growth and yeah, and understanding. I just think it was me understanding once I understood I could get to work on what I needed to do for myself. I love that. Thank you, Graeme, so much for today and for sharing all your wonderful insights. And so many parents and carers do lose themselves in survival mode for years. And I think today's conversation gives permission for people to acknowledge both the love and the exhaustion that can coexist. And also that, you know, it's never too late to start working on your own mental health, and it's never too early to start working on your own mental health. And mental health is of utmost, utmost importance when you're caring for someone and when you're not. So next week is our final episode together. How quickly have these episodes gone, where we'll talk about building a business that supports others, supports self-care, and we'll also talk about Graham's thoughts on the future of disability support and the NDIS. Thank you, Graham, again, and thank you, everyone, for joining us on the Empowered Parent podcast. Thank you, everyone.