YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO TAKE MY PEACE - A MOTHER'S STORY: Episode 2 - What If Rest Is Part Of Parenting?

Sam was a full-time nurse who couldn’t stop moving, couldn’t sit with herself, and felt like rest meant failure. Then she became a mum and everything changed, not neatly, not politely, but in the way matrescence often does: it cracks you open and forces you to finally meet yourself.

We talk with Sam about the woman she was before children and the mother she’s becoming now, including the hidden drivers underneath “go, go, go” energy. Sam shares how trauma and an abusive relationship shaped her need for control, and how an ADHD diagnosis later helped her make sense of what looked like anxiety. We also unpack how pregnancy and postpartum can collide with mental health, especially during COVID, when isolation and uncertainty ramped up her perinatal anxiety and left her feeling raw.

Sam speaks candidly about getting support through PANDA and the Gidget Foundation, accessing perinatal mental health care via telehealth in Australia, and why medication and the right GP can be lifesaving when things get dangerous. We also get practical about the day-to-day: self-compassion when nothing gets finished, working out your real capacity, managing sensory overload, and the small transition rituals that help her shift from nurse mode to mum mode. Plus, we chat about sibling bonds, rebuilding meaning, and having a true co-parent in her husband Joseph.

If this resonates, share it with a parent who needs steady hope, then subscribe and leave a review so more mums can find these stories and support.

danabaltutis.com,  mytherapyhouse.com.au, https://mytherapyhouse.com.au/your-childs-therapy-journey/ https://www.danabaltutis.com/services

Transcript

Welcome And Motherhood Shift

SPEAKER_00 1:16

Welcome back to episode two of the Empowered Parent Podcast for our special series with Sam. Welcome back, Sam. Thank you. So today's episode is going to be about becoming a mum and how motherhood has changed you. Becoming a parent changes every part of who people are. And we're going to reflect today on the woman you were before children and the mother you've become and the lessons your children have taught you along the way. So let's start with that very first question, Sam. Who were you before becoming a mum?

SPEAKER_01 2:02

Before becoming a mum, I was just this scurrying around full-time working nurse who I think you would I remember my parents used to put it like I was burning the candle at both ends. I didn't know how to be still. I was very, very frightened. I uh I acknowledge now of being with myself. And I tried to feel every minute of every day,

Life Before Becoming A Mum

SPEAKER_01 2:31

and I just wanted to fall into bed exhausted. And I realized that then I would also, because of of feminine cycles, your menstrual cycle, there were points where you can't sustain that energy and you fall with it. And you know, I would be I mean, that's that's a natural dip in, you know, your mood, your energy. And I used to feel very like not a failure, but just frustrated and and like I'd let myself down in some way when I was succumbing to not as energetic. Yeah, when I was succumbing to a natural flow, lower ebb. And I look back now and I think, oh, I mean, I part of part of me knew that I I was always moving in order to escape myself. But yeah, in that in that time, it's you're just always going. And yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:27

So when you talk about always moving to escape yourself, is that to escape your thoughts or your your you know, your confidence in yourself, your trust in yourself, your not knowing yourself, not knowing who you are, your purpose, like what were you escaping? Can you pinpoint that?

SPEAKER_01 3:47

I feel like anxiety, which now within the context of an ADHD diagnosis, is not so it's not anxiety, traditional anxiety. It's it's just that that it's part of your neurology. Um, but not anxiety. I I was I always sat with that and I hated that feeling, I hated that that the low mood. Because, you know, I've I had life circumstances that also, you know, were conducive to low mood. And and I thought that my anxiety and everything that I was experiencing was just related to that, but it wasn't. Part of it was was my neurology, another part of it was, you know, reactions.

SPEAKER_00 4:32

Could it have been like post-traumatic stress disorder to or trauma related? Yes, it is, yes, yes.

SPEAKER_01 4:39

Yeah. Trauma is is part of my picture. And even I remember coming out of an abusive relationship and how, well, that control profile of mine, who I now see in my second child. Yes, my second child. Is is it's that it was that need

Anxiety Trauma And ADHD Clues

SPEAKER_01 5:02

to like always with the trauma, I couldn't let myself succumb to it. I needed to respond to it. I needed to be, you know, adaptive and resourceful in responding to it because I was not gonna let that bring me down. And that striving, that constant pushing. It's very tiring. It's exhausting, you know. So not only was I sitting with trauma in my being, I was also pushing, pushing physically, pushing psychologically, pushing emotionally. And you know, the thing about motherhood, matrescence, you know, it cracks your eye open, it breaks you down, and you know, it's given me that opportunity to repair and understand myself and just love myself, go back to that inner child. That's yeah, that that's something that motherhood has given me, but it's so do you think motherhood changed your chemistry in your body?

SPEAKER_00 6:12

Yes, that's what it was, or did you feel like also it was your perception? Did you take any medication? Like, tell me a little bit about that.

SPEAKER_01 6:23

So, in terms of motherhood and the chemical, the hormonal things, it's interesting, but I actually feel that motherhood protected me. The hormones, the estrogen, the you know, the the progesterone, there was it really bolstered me. And m my my head space was not my head space, my heart space was boosted by, but I was also, I had, I look back now and I had undiagnosed, well, perinatal anxiety, right? From when I was pregnant with Jonathan. That coincided with COVID. And the thing is, I worked in healthcare and the unknowns of the pandemic, you know, the healthcare, my my employers had to be very careful with me being pregnant. And so my working time, you know, I was it was very anxiety-provoking. Definitely. Not not having my mother wasn't able to come over. And even though like my mum and I aren't the closest of people, but I think still believe that all women, all mothers, if they have a

Perinatal Anxiety Through COVID

SPEAKER_01 7:38

mother around, well, if it's a non-toxic relationship, there's holding that only a mother can offer another number mother who is just becoming and understanding. Yes, you need that holding and care. And I didn't have that, and that that left me very raw. Yes, that that having Jonathan in that period left me very raw. And I went right through until having Ambrose, who's my second, and in his postpartum completely fell apart. The anxiety was up, really up. And you know, my husband, my poor husband suffered greatly in in his helplessness, in in everything in that time. But I you know, I was linked into Panda, and then in and they uh linked us into the Gidget Foundation. And that tell me a little bit about that. So the Gidget Foundation are this amazing resource, they connect you up to perinatal health professionals or mental health professionals through telehealth across Australia. And they they provided, I think it was 10 sessions that they covered the cost of. And that linked me into my current psychologist, who she is amazing. Like I've remained connected to her. She's based in Brisbane, and I will she no one has understood me in the way that she has. And just yeah, I love Amanda so much. She's she's just an amazing support for me. And she's seen me through grow through this that period of you know, postpartum with Ambrose, and and I also won went on to Sotelepram, an antidepressant, and I remain on that. It uh it's helped me a lot, but we we I needed to go on that at a point where I was suicidal, which was a scary and overwhelming time.

SPEAKER_00 9:47

And that's because of your chemicals, yes, right? Yeah, and and I think what you're saying is a very important piece here because it's not a personal thing, it's something that happens to your body chemically. Yes, and I think you know the medication does help. And I always say to parents, you know, if you're in that position, please think about medication for yourself. Yes. Go talk to your GP. If your GP is not listening, go to another GP. Yes. And I I really love that you said that you're still seeing your psychologist. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 11:12

She is such an important person in my life as a mother. Like her her um services, it's they're called Caring for Mums. She she is based around perinatal support, but she started her service or you know, geared towards perinatal mental health because of her own experience of raising three children quite close in age, and yeah. So she's she's got a very innate understanding, you know, and empathy of the challenges. And you know, to be honest, she was the first person that like I I had suspected that Jonathan was neurodivergent early on the piece in terms of sensory sensitivities, but when she framed it in a way, because I was pregnant with my third, and I was just like, you know, things were a lot, and and just you know, putting it out there that, you know, raising potentially neurodivergent children would be you know, there's challenges. And I was like, well, if there's challenges, let's resource ourselves. Yeah, let's go. Yeah, that really that that comment, that discussion really started things moving down that path of like, let's let's work this through.

SPEAKER_00 12:30

Because I just I know what it's like to flounder in. You didn't want that for your kids, what you experienced. Yes, I didn't want that, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:39

Yeah. But I also know what it's like to flounder as a mother. Yeah. When you know you're unsupported when your children have additional needs or just need you need more understanding of them.

SPEAKER_00 12:51

So what have your children taught you about yourself?

SPEAKER_01 12:56

My kids have have highlighted my own neurodivergence. They've highlighted the brains that we all have. Yeah. But they've taught me how amazingly resourceful and fierce and how how much I can fight. But they've also highlighted how how little I've I've given my own my own self care and love.

SPEAKER_00 13:25

Do you think that your kids have highlighted to you that it's okay to be you and to love yourself and have time to heal?

SPEAKER_01 13:39

I feel like I've not been uncomfortable with being myself as an adult, but I've what my kids have taught me is that I I need to identify where my what my capacity is and what my limitations are. Yeah, and where to make space for that. Because I was, you know, I learned to do that and start accommodating Jonathan. Then I'm now that I've got my own diagnosis, I was like, well right, what do I need?

SPEAKER_00 14:07

Yeah, great. Because I know, you know, initially you said you would go, go, go, go, go,

What Kids Teach About Capacity

SPEAKER_00 14:13

and you couldn't stop or rest. I know that feeling. And and then you were like, okay, I'm only stop when I go to sleep. Yeah. Right? And you crash out, yeah. It's almost like, oh, I've got to keep going because if I don't, then I like I'm not doing justice to myself or the world, and I'm not good enough almost, right? Yeah, it's it's it was it's a very non-acceptance of rest. Non-acceptance, and probably non-acceptance of what you need, yourself, non-acceptance of the restful self, yes, right? Yes, because we have a restful self and we have an active self. Yes. How how have you balanced, you know? I know we talked a little bit about you've got, you know, your job is, you know, you've got really great manager and you've got a great workplace and and everything else. But how have you balanced being the mum and feeling like I know some mums would be listening and go, I feel like I've never got enough time for my kids and myself. How do you is there such a thing? No. And maybe just to deal with it, right? Well, that's life.

SPEAKER_01 15:27

It's that it's that self-compassion. It's that I I accept that things, things don't all get done. No, yeah. They shouldn't all be done.

SPEAKER_00 15:38

I love that because there's only 24 hours in a day.

SPEAKER_01 15:42

Yeah, yeah. And you know, I'm I'm pretty spent. I'm really spent. But I've got these little practices in the day, especially like after after work, you know, accepting that there's a lot of negative, negative energy that you you absorb and you bring you hold in your being. And you know, I um I'm I love my crystals and I I bring an armory of crystals with me to work to push off that negative energy and transmute stuff. And I I have a crystal bowl, like a literal crystal bowl with salt water that's been charged by the moonlight. Yeah. And I will cleanse these crystals and then I lay them out on the ground on the dirt or the grass. Yeah. And that's my that that is a thank you for your support and what you've done for me. But then I also then go into the shower and I will scrub with salt. Yeah, okay. You know, those are that is you've got your rituals, your anchors.

SPEAKER_00 16:45

Yes, and that's the really important thing.

SPEAKER_01 16:47

Oh, isn't it so important? I will burn sage. My kids are very like, oh, what's this is amazing, and and they want to hold the sage. And Jonathan's like, I love the smell. It's a real sensory experience. Yeah. But it's like clear the energy. And it's the transition, transition from that to another to being that nurse, nurse Sam, to being

Rituals For Overwhelm And Recovery

SPEAKER_01 17:09

Sam and Mum Sam. Yeah. You know, it's that's important to me. I have my Zen music that I listen to. Yeah. My spiritual Zen music. But also just, you know, when the overwhelm is there with the kids, like that that overstimulation, they allowed. My kids allowed, they are busy. You know, I I do have to put those headphones on. Yeah. And I zone them out like they are yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:37

Because you need to look after yourself. That's really important. Because if you don't look after yourself, then you can't be who you want to be for your kids, right? Yes. That's so important. Yes. And what has been the greatest joy and the greatest challenge of motherhood?

SPEAKER_01 17:56

The greatest joy in my motherhood has been raising my children to a reasonably close in age together and seeing the bonds that they're building. I love them. Yeah, there's that there's fighting. But they love each other. And that oh, that just makes me go, give me five more kids. Come on, let's do it. Let them be. They they don't need to be friends. I don't need my children to be best friends. But you know what? They are always going to be connected. No matter what, they're connected by the bonds of being siblings. They share blood, but they also shared parents and an upbringing together. You know, so maybe, maybe at my hospital bed if I'm, or I don't know, if I'm lucky enough to be at my deathbed, they might not be talking at that point. But at some, you know, at some point they will be like, you know, I remember when mum used to do this and that.

SPEAKER_00 18:53

Yeah, do you remember when mum had the crystal ball and was rolling it around outside? Yeah. And we used to chase it and play soccer with it. Yeah, it's it's it's that.

SPEAKER_01 19:04

That's been my greatest toy in motherhood. And then my biggest challenge.

Joys Challenges And Meaning Again

SPEAKER_01 19:11

That's been recapturing my meaning because I was very lost in the process of just caring and mothering and and just giving giving my all. And then the challenge was to realise how I needed to turn the tap and flow. Not that I figured it all out, but you know, I'm identifying it and I'm working towards turning that tap back towards me and flowing some of that energy in love my way.

SPEAKER_00 19:45

That's great. And what about Joseph, your husband? Would you be able to have done this without him? No. No.

SPEAKER_01 19:55

He is yeah, he's the best the best man I know, but also one of the best people I know. I've always said this, and I'm so blessed to have him as my husband and have that as my partner, but also as a co-parent. He's, you know, the the whole neurodivergence stuff like that, that was that's been challenging for him to to accept. But he, you know, he he's he is, but he's just so loving and giving and he's not there is no primary parent with us. He is a co-parent through and through. When other people when other people were talking about their partners and how I'm just like I I have I feel for them because I know that if I Joseph was not the parent that he was or is, I we would not have had three, you know.

SPEAKER_00 20:49

And what about do you feel like as a mum that you've got to lead everything at home or not, Joseph?

SPEAKER_01 20:56

No. I would say it probably goes more 65% his way in terms of like the he planned our wedding.

SPEAKER_00 21:05

He's he's that kind of like he Joseph, we'd like you on the next series, please.

SPEAKER_01 21:12

He is like, he is uh he embodies a lot of that mum energy of like with my ADHD, yeah. My ability to organise is very limited. Yeah, right. But the most important things, like I throw everything at that and then I'm spent and I'm like, right, I can't. But he he's able, he's 65%, and then there's me doing my what what does that leave? Like 35%. That doesn't leave. 45. 45.

SPEAKER_00 21:40

That's no 65, 35. Yeah, 35% doesn't do me justice, I think. Let's put it back to 60 and 40. Let's put it back to 50 and 50. Well, look, I think there's I don't do myself justice.

SPEAKER_01 21:54

No, you know, but he he is an amazing, amazing co-parent.

SPEAKER_00 22:00

And I'm sure he would be saying the same about you, Sam.

unknown 22:03

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:03

I hope so. I think he would. I think we joke, you know, that I'm a little bit hopeless at times, but you know, there are other things that I am exceptional as a parent, you know. There are, you know, I know that I'm changing things for my kids.

SPEAKER_00 22:18

And you are also very insightful and very perceptive, and I love the way that you are able to make meaning around circumstances, and not a lot of people have got that. Yeah, right? I love that. That's that's a neurodivergent brain there, I believe. Yeah, it is. It is. So if you could speak to your younger self or younger version of yourself before children, what would you tell her? That one that couldn't switch off the rest.

SPEAKER_01 22:51

My goodness. First of all, I feel like I would have to like catch up and just like just wrangle them, grab her by the hands, and then I feel like I just I would need to wrap her up. Just like actually have her head to my bosom and just be like and just be like be still. And then I'd be like, it's alright. It is okay.

SPEAKER_00 23:14

We are okay, and we're good, and we're going to be good. Yes, but we are actually good then and there.

SPEAKER_01 23:23

Yeah. It's okay. Just just give her that space show her what stillness can be. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:33

And that younger self is always in us.

SPEAKER_01 23:36

Oh, yes.

SPEAKER_00 23:37

And that's why we always need to be hugging and squeezing and telling ourselves we are okay. Yes. And it is okay.

SPEAKER_01 23:48

Yes. Holding our own hands. I I heard I listened to that on a podcast. I was like, hmm. What does that feel like? Yeah, what does it feel like? To hold your own hand. I mean hugging yourself, but holding your own hand. Yeah. And I uh

What I Would Tell Younger Me

SPEAKER_01 24:01

you know, stroke like just how would I stroke my own head or my own forehead?

SPEAKER_00 24:07

You know, it's interesting you should say that because this is for the listeners and the people that know me but don't really know me. I actually always stroke my eyebrows, and that gives me like calmness, and I've done that since I was a little girl, and my mum always stroked my forehead, so it feels different when I'm doing it, but with my eyebrows, it's just and I stroke it the other way, yeah, and it just feels so nice, and it gives me that it's okay, it's calm, I feel calm, and that's why my eyebrows are all patchy, because like I'll just be stroking them, and then my husband always says, Are you patting the caterpillars again? So, anyway, that's just some people. Okay, thank you, Sam. As we as we head off stroking our eyebrows, that was a really insightful conversation about the depthness of you. Yeah, and that's why at that kitchen table that day, when I had a chat to you, I said, I want to share you with everybody because I love how your brain works, and there will be people listening going, I get that, I really get that, or I'm not sure what she means. I think I need to think about that a little bit more. But I really do believe when you slow down and stop and really look within, you see all these little parts of yourself, and it's okay to have those parts. Yes, yes, that's self-acceptance, that's self-love. Absolutely. Thank you everybody for listening. If you liked this episode, please share it with others and subscribe to the episode and like us and share us on Facebook, on your Instagram page, because I believe that when we share stories, then we make the world a better place to live in. And I do believe that there is a place in the world for everyone. Thanks for listening, and thank you, Sam, for being a guest here. Thank you.