Navigating Then and Now

Transcript

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Hello and welcome to this episode of Decide on Joy, a podcast coming to you from Harmony Spiritual Center in Fort Worth, Texas. My name is Jim Covalt. And I am Reverend Dr. P. J. Stanley. Welcome and thank you for being here today. This, this podcast is, is about some basic stuff in new thought spirituality and, and things beyond that as well. This is one of the things that's a bit beyond that, but this episode is called Navigating Then and Now. What exactly do we mean by that? Exactly. So let me come back to your point you, you just, you made in that this is a, this A podcast about new thought, but what we do here in new thought, which makes this relevant is that we're talking about how to have a great life. All the things that it takes. It takes so many things to know and to do and to be. And so this navigating the then and now is a part of it. As you are evolving, which we know that we do, we are constantly learning, evolving, becoming a better person. You, a better you, whatever that means to you. And so, people that have known you when you grew up, when you were in, particularly here in the South, there's a lot of people that have known each other for a long time. When they were in elementary school, high school, junior high school, college, all of that sort of thing. And then as you are deciding who you want to be, and you're making steps in that direction, you actually put on that, the clothing of something new, something different. You have people saying you're not, you changed. You're different. You're not how you used to be. We didn't used to do that. And it's so interesting that that's what people say, and that's what we're supposed to be doing, is growing and changing, but when you actually do, you can tell it's like it's a negative thing. Yeah. Yeah, that's what this is about. Well, you know, this is, people are used to dealing with, with what they, What, with what they knew previously and so it's, it, it takes them off guard. I expect, you know, it's like, oh, this is, this is a different version of this person, you know? And, and yeah, where's my friend? Where's the person I grew up with? You didn't speak that way before. You're getting too big for your britches. Oh, you think you're smarter than us, because now you have a degree, or whatever you do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you know, it's like a negative for you to improve your life sometimes, sometimes. Yes, or, I mean, it could be the reverse of that. It could be people who, who had the degrees and all that thing, and maybe you were someone who chose a different path, and they might be yeah. Yeah. Have the same sort of attitude about that. Exactly. Exactly. And so, you know, how do you navigate that? How do you, and it's about you personally navigating. How do you feel good about if it's you that's making a change or if it's a friend that's making a change? How do you navigate that? How do you, if you even decide that that's a friendship that you want to keep? Because sometimes they actually do go and become something that you're not familiar with or that you don't really want to be around anymore. And that's a hard thing to think or say with someone that you've, you've cared for. And known in your life and that has carried you through some different things. And now they're at a completely different place that you don't want to be. So, how do we do that as well? Right. You know, in the kindest way possible. Or conversely, if you're the person who has done the change, well presumably they would have changed as well. Yes. Yes. I mean, you know, nobody just sits still. No. But, really. No. But, if you're the person who did the changing, then you might likewise decide, oh, these are not people I need to be around anymore. That can help me stay in this life I've chosen to live. Correct. Right. Yeah. Exactly. So, those are the things. So we just want to talk about some, some skills, some key skills that will help you navigate that either on either side. Okay, and what are some of those skills? Well, if you are the person that has done the changing and you've either are trying to stay in the, with the people that you've been with or you're going, moving elsewhere. One of the first things, of course, is just to be really clear about who you are. Because when you step into those situations and people are saying, well, you know, You're getting to be three bridges. You're not who we used to be that you could be real comfortable and calm with saying it. No, that is true. I have changed. I have grown. I have taken on these different things, but I am still someone that you know and love. I still have the heart of someone you know and love. So just being real clear for yourself so that you can speak with them. And another thing that's one of the skills is so you could be with them with compassion, knowing that, yeah, they have lost the friend that they knew, but they haven't necessarily lost a friend. They just lost the idea of who you were before, and that you could very well move forward with being who you are now, if they, if they want to. Right. It's, it's, this may be a sidetrack, but it also occurs to me that it's possible that you might not realize. I mean, you're talking about a situation where you very consciously had, had worked on something and, and changed and developed and whatnot, but maybe that's not the case. Maybe you're not particularly aware of it. And then suddenly someone says, Whoa, you're not, you're not who I thought I knew. And it does happen because, you know, because growth and learning, it just happens in so many areas and you can grow and learn just from having taken a trip someplace and come back. It's not necessarily that you've done an official or I've taken a college course or I've taken these coaching classes or whatever. It doesn't have to be that. It can just be different ways in which you look at the world now that you didn't, you looked at it differently. And it's just a, it's a, it's such a, it comes upon you so slowly. And, and just so naturally that you're not really, you don't even know you've done it until someone says something to you, huh? What are those words that you think? What do you mean? We don't know. I don't know. I don't understand what you're talking about. I have never been there, so I don't know what you mean about how other people behave or whatever it is you're talking about. Right, yeah. So what would you do in that situation? Do you ask them what's different? What are they seeing as different? I would. I actually would. I would say, okay, because I feel like I'm the same, so tell me what is different. And, and, and really genuinely want to know. Yeah. Well, yes. You know what I mean? What do you mean? But really, really because it's someone that you care about. This happens a lot with family. You know, with family. So let me just say this just because they're families. I mean, you actually care about them. So let's get really clear about that. You have a family situation that you actually want to maintain. And if that's the case, then you know, you just want to bring your heart to the situation and ask them, What do you What do you mean? What looks different? And you could just explain to them. Just talk to them about what has happened and how it's a subtle change. But life does change and you are still essentially the person they know and love. Just because some some different things are showing up. Doesn't mean I'm not the same person that you do know and love. So just assure them that you are still that person and want to be in a relationship with them if they'd like to continue. Yeah. That's one of the things that I would definitely do. And there's a, there's one skill that's about setting some boundaries and people. I was talking to one of my grandchildren and they, It was telling me a story one of his stories of how he, how he grew up, and it was a true story. But he's overcome that. He's not that person anymore, but he keeps talking about himself as if he was that person. And so I said, you know, I, I, I sent him some affirmations and I said, Just go ahead and, if you can, just let go of the old stories. That's not who you are anymore. But the more you tell those stories, the more you stay in that position of thinking that's who you are. But you have completely graduated from that. You are. You've overcome that. It was it was an illness that he had. And so he felt like he missed out on a lot of things growing up because he wasn't able to do a lot of things that they did at school during those times. He wasn't able to do it. And so he feels like he's been left behind because of that. That's not the case. You are. You're actually, you're actually far ahead. You're doing you're doing so many things differently than the kids that you went to school with would have even thought to do. So you can just. If you can, let go of that story and embrace who you actually are now, which is a great thing. You are a great person. Yeah, and having someone point out to you the difference might give you an impetus to do that. Yeah, because you don't realize that. I think people tell their old stories and don't realize the power of stories. Oh yeah. To keep you, one, to keep you where you are, or two, to take you where you want to go. So you decide on the stories that you want to tell and, or, or, or own, not even just tell, but even own. And if someone says to you, you're so different, you either want to own that or say, no, I'm actually not different. There are some other aspects of me that have grown, but I'm still basically the same person that you met. There's also, even without anyone having said anything, maybe, you might. Anticipate that and, and even without even necessarily consciously thinking of it, tend to anticipate it. Turn into that previous person for their benefit or just because it's what felt right in the context, you know, it might even be the place as much as the people. And so you, you act that thing nodding my head, like you guys can't see me nodding my head to Jim. He's absolutely correct. I have certain situations where I'm, I'm, I'm a new thought person. I'm not, I don't attend the services or the religion that I did growing up. But a lot of people that I care for do. And so I join them sometimes because I love the music, I love the talking, I love so many things about it. But I'm not going to, I'm still going to show up as who I am now. So I don't try, the thing that I try to do is get into discussion. Get into discussion about what it is that I believe now. Because I think that it would simply upset them. And upset them because they love me and care for me and are concerned for me. I have no such concern. So then I don't bring it up. I don't discuss it. So I make that a clear boundary for me that is acceptable for me. I don't feel like I'm hiding things. It's just that I know that they won't understand. So I don't talk about it. And just, we just go on. And I'm just there and having a wonderful time and just let that go. No need to explain it. No need to explain it. So you can make those decisions as well. Yeah. You know? And it's not hiding. It's not being afraid. It's just being considerate. It's being considerate. That's what I call it. I mean. Yes. Someone else can call it something else. But that's what I'm calling it. Yes. And it leaves them the latitude to think that, well, she's here and she may suddenly realize the error of her ways and not go to hell after all. That is the thing. Yes. That is the thing. It gives them hope. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes. So, I see here in the notes we have empathy and understanding, what, what are we talking about there? Well, you just, yeah, just like I'm saying, like, the, the, the, the, the example I just gave. Oh, right. You know, have some empathy for how they're feeling and how they, how they feel about me. And I actually appreciate it because they actually love me, so I understand that. I understand what they're doing. We're never going to have a meeting of the minds on this. Right. So, okay. Right. Okay, we don't need to, to love each other. Don't need to. Right. Right. Yeah, that's what that means. There are some situations, of course, where you couldn't. Do that. I mean, yeah. Say, I don't know. Say you stopped drinking and, and the whole group, it is still drinking and and you can't just go back to that to, to No, no. You can't blend with them. But that, and that might not be an example that, that that the answer that I want to give you, and I'm gonna talk about works for everything, but whatever decisions you've made. I was never a person. I'm not a drinker. I don't I can sip some wine just, you know, hold a glass of wine for a while because that's what you're walking around doing. But I don't care for it. It just gives me a headache. I don't care for it. So, so being around people who, who drink or doesn't bother me, being, and I don't know if people who drink, being around people who don't, if that bothers them, so yeah. I was specifically talking about if it was a case where you had been doing that, or it could be something else, it could be maybe you had a group of friends who all they did socially was, was smoke pot, and, and, and you decide that's not working for you, then Correct. That would be a difficult situation to go back into. Yeah. I wouldn't, I wouldn't go back into it because the reason to step out of it, when you stepped out of it was because it was untenable. You weren't able to deal with it. And there's, you know, there's something about, and that's just the way people are. It's if you're with the group, then join what the group is doing. And, you know, I'm not always, I don't always want to do that. I go to the beach, but I don't want to get in the water. I'm not a swimmer. I'm definitely not getting in water that's moving. Forget that. That's not going to work. So, so, I'm going to go get in the water. No, I'm not getting in. Well, there's things in there too. Let's talk about that. So I'm not doing it. But yeah, so, so again, that's just, that's back to the clarity issue of knowing, just being really clear. And, and, I'm not going to be convinced of what I already know is true against what I already knew is true about me. And I'm going to, so that the boundary part is to say, no, that's not me. And I'm okay with this. Please go ahead and help yourself. Whatever it is you're doing, do that. And I'm going to sit here and do what I'm going to do. And we'll join back together when that's, when we're finished with that, when we're all finished with that. So having, being really clear about who you, who you are and having the strength, having the strength to say, no, that is not me. Or yes, that is me on the pilot reality. It's who I am. I probably didn't say that word very well, but anyway, that's what I was going to say. Did I say it? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, just, you know, you have to give yourself permission to be who you are. And give other people permission to be who they are in your own mind. You're not saying, well, you have my, my I baptize thee, you know, permission. It's not that. But in your own mind and heart. Right. Giving people permission to be who they are and loving them anyway. And sometimes that means stepping away. Sometimes it's, that's the problem. The best solution for everyone. It's just we are, we've changed a great deal, both of us, and it won't work anymore. Sure. And that's okay. Yeah. That happens. Yeah. That just, that happens. And so give yourself some grace when it does happen. Yeah. Mm hmm. It seems like a key thing there is being at least pretty clear about who you are for yourself so that you don't immediately feel like you're alone. Just automatically switch to whichever persona works for her. Exactly. Exactly. I was talking with someone a couple days ago, and we were talking about boundaries. We talked about this in here boundaries, and they want to be liked so much that they let people just step all over and all past their boundaries. And so the question begins, well, what is your self care? Self love, self care. That's more important that you let them have what they want, instead of you being who you are. And what would happen if you showed up as who you are? If you, are you afraid, you know what I mean? Are you afraid that you'd lose that relationship? Oh, absolutely, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and what are you losing? What are you losing if you did lose it? Right. These are, these are clarifying thoughts that all of us have to have. And part of. What we talk about in New Thought, and we talk about this all the time, almost ad nauseum, is, is, is knowing thyself, because we grow, we change, something that worked for us before, we hold it like it's a, you know it's an old story, it actually isn't working for us now, and we, because it did, we keep thinking that's who we are, but it's not working, but what's going on here? You have to actually say, well wait, you know what, that was back when I was married to this person, or that was back when I was in high school, or that was, and I am now this place, and that no longer serves me. So I'm okay with just letting that go, whatever that may be. But the clarity issue is, is, is something that is constantly changing. Because you are growing and evolving and deciding. And so then we have to go back and look at our stories and say, No, that was an old story. That's not the story that's serving me now. Because whatever stories you're telling is where your heart, where your heart and your life is going to head. So, be careful about the stories you tell yourself. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's probably going to be another one. Stories you tell. Yes. Yeah. It's an underlying thing in a lot of stuff. Absolutely. Sometimes you're not even aware you're doing it. That is correct. Often you're not aware you're doing it. Often. I would say. Often we're just walking right through the life and we're just, because it's so comfortable to be on autopilot. Who wants to be thinking about things all the time? I want a break. Yeah. Can I just live? Yeah. Sure. Yeah. So, anything else to say about that? It seems like we've kind of. I think we've covered it. Okay. I think this is all we need to know about, you know, just navigating then and now. Know that it's okay. It's okay. That's how things are supposed to be. Just, this is all about making you aware or trying to show you ways in which to be aware of who you are and what you want to be and that you actually have control over that. You have control over that. And that's what this is about. That's what this podcast is about. You taking control of your life in all these different ways. Okay. Yeah. We'll stop there for this episode and look forward to seeing you next time. Thanks for being here. Thank you so much.